Dear Gail,
I am in a tumultuous marriage. I have been on the spiritual path for over two decades. I have cultivated my sense of inner peace, and I have many tools to help myself stay centered. What I don’t seem to have is a way to relate harmoniously with my wife. Well, some days I do but then things change in an instant. My wife goes from loving me to hating me. It seems there is no amount of compassion I can offer her when she is in that state. She just despises me and has venomous anger. In my opinion, she does not have the inner resources to move these feelings and beliefs. Truly, I feel stuck in these moments. My current strategy is to love her and withdraw.
Please let me know if you have advice you can offer me.
Thanks,
Feeling Stuck
Dear Feeling Stuck,
Essentially, you are asking if there is a way for you to influence or control your wife’s behavior. You want your wife to stop despising you and behaving in an angry manner toward you. The truth is: you cannot control her feelings or her behavior. If she changes, the change will come from within her. Paradoxically, she is more likely to change – on her own – if you accept her as she is. Perhaps you can build upon your current strategy of loving her by communicating acceptance. You might reflect back to her, “You really hate me right now,” or, “You want me to be different than I am,” or, “You are very unhappy.” These statements meet her experience without expressing a desire for her to change; she is likely to feel seen and heard, which all of us want from our partners. You might then go further by asking her genuine questions about her concerns from a place of curiosity within yourself. This style of relating to her can be the beginning of authentic conversation that unlocks dead end communication patterns that aren’t working for the two of you.
I imagine that at times you react, internally and/or verbally, to her attacks. As is true of all difficult situations, these problems with your wife are tailor-made to reflect back to you the stuck places inside yourself. You are being invited to pursue your spiritual path to an even deeper level by investigating and releasing your emotional patterns that have not yet been fully explored. When you find yourself focusing on your wife’s challenging behavior, you might instead, and more fruitfully, turn your attention to the beliefs you hold that are feeding your reactions. You are likely to find that there are ways you are resisting reality that are disturbing your sense of inner peace. No matter what happens, then, you will have used the experience to free yourself and be more fully alive. I admire your courage and offer you my full support.
My response to your concerns provides a starting point. You might feel the need to seek the services of a professional to help you integrate these suggestions.
JKR says
How true about not being able to change others – in fact, when I think of how long it takes to change me, it is humorous to think I can change others in some specific way. However, it seems that smiles, kindness, etc. do create a positive energy that (usually) bounces back.
And, I love the comment about a troubling relationship being an invitation to pursue a spiritual path at a deeper level. Some years ago I had the “tenant from Hell” in one of my units. I began to think of her as “Teacher Mary” because she helped me to find some hangups in my spiritual and emotional life which could then be released.
SpiritSeeker says
Hi Gail – I am currently going through the ‘grieving’ and ‘healing’ from a significant relationship. Reading all your posts and listening to your audio tapes have been very helpful in my continued path to awakening and non separation.
I am struggling to surrender as I am still stuck with certain parts of a recent break up. My partner ended our relationship for the 3rd time (1st was because of cold feet, 2nd was because it wasn’t flowing for him) and the 3rd time was because he struggled to connect and flow with me saying we were incompatible and that he ‘loved’ me but wasn’t in love with me. We had never argued and I felt that his lack of experience in relationships led him to create stories of how he ‘should’ feel in relationships and an expectation on how they ‘should’ work. I tried my best to shed some light that all that we had was good enough and that the now is what is is and was for that day. He told me that our relationship would consume his mind for almost 70% of his day, I presume this is all fear?
I though that I had found a life partner, a spiritual partner and I gave up so much of what I had to build a life with him, my home and my job (things I wasn’t attached to in object form) but now am sad and disappointed on how he handled and is handling the situation as if there was no relationship to speak of. Like a business transaction.
Why do I ‘feel’ that he didn’t allow the relationship to take its proper course, that he had already somehow forecasted the ending of us month before it did end. He wasn’t able to trust that the universe had our back and instead I ‘feel’ he unable to be patient and let his fears and doubts subside. He wasn’t able to be grateful for all that we had which was SO much.
There were signs of commitment issues early on in the relationship which I had ignored because of so many actions in he conducted in our relationship that not only led me to believe but also both our families to believe that he was ready to commit to our relationship and gifting it the time that relationships need to bloom.
He had told me that he had for most of his life struggled with whether anything especially romantic relationships were ‘enough’ for him…
Your insight during this time would be most appreciated.
Gail Brenner says
It seems to me that your friend has finally mustered the courage to speak his truth. I know this hurts and understand your pain. I’m hearing your hopes and expectations about what could have been possible – but here’s the reality – he wants to end the relationship. Maybe he is fearful, but it is his business as to how or if he wants to deal with these fears.
As you say, you are now on a path of healing and grieving. As this unfolds for you, maybe you can look deeply within yourself to see what you can learn about yourself from this situation. Was there any contribution you made – possibly ignoring red flags, hoping to make this something more than he wanted? It’s normal to blame others, and the situation most serves when each person brings their attention to their own experience to inquire into their own areas of stuckness.
Sending love for your journey…