“What we anticipate seldom occurs, what we least expected generally happens.”
Benjamin Disraeli, British author and statesman
There was a time when it was very easy for me to be disappointed by other people. I can’t tell you how many times I would feel angry or let down when someone failed to do what I wanted them to do or what they agreed they would do. I would sometimes be filled with strong, uncomfortable feelings in these situations. In addition, as you might imagine, this propensity brought friction into my friendships and other relationships as I even complained to these unwitting perpetrators that they shouldn’t have done what they did. Am I alone in creating discord by not accepting people as they are?
The last time I felt disappointed by someone’s behavior, a friend had decided to attend a concert with me that I really wanted to see. A few days prior to the event, she cancelled. Sure, I could have taken it in stride, rallied, and found someone else to take her ticket, which I eventually did. But in the moment when she cancelled, I was taken over by feeling bereft – and very irritated. Her behavior had failed to match my expectation. What was different about this time is that, thankfully, the light bulb went off.
Expectations Are Not Reality
First, I recognized that I had been in exactly this place, feeling exactly what I was feeling, countless times before. I knew it was a trap to place my happiness in the hands of something I had no control over – someone else’s behavior. I was definitely motivated to look into my own process in an attempt to find a way out. In a freeing moment of insight, I saw how I had created the whole problem in my thinking. At the root of the problem was my expectation that my friend should do what she said she would do. I had unconsciously turned that thought into reality: because she said she would go, then that is what would – and should – happen. I realized how my expectation about her behavior had nothing to do with what she actually did. People do what they do; they don’t do what they don’t do. And they definitely don’t always do what they say they are going to do. I saw that applying an expectation to a person or situation is actually a recipe for suffering.
I undertook a study of the nature of expectations. The dictionary defines an expectation as “the act of regarding as likely to happen” and “anticipating the occurrence or the coming of.” An expectation is essentially an imagining about the future, a theoretical pseudo-reality that is created by thoughts in the mind. It is a thought that, when taken as real and true, leads us to assume that a given occurrence will happen. When seen for what it really is, it is merely a thought that has nothing to do with what may or may not happen. I may expect my friend to attend the concert, but this expectation is irrelevant to what she actually does. And believing that she “should” attend the concert when she decides not to only sets me up for an unpleasant emotional reaction.
When I applied this understanding to my persistent inclination to expect something to happen followed by disappointment, the whole pattern unraveled. I saw the way I had created this problem over and over. I had placed an expectation onto people’s behavior that I believed to be true, then became incensed when they did not comply. So many years of stress for me and disharmony in my relationships. I felt sad and contrite as well as liberated and joyful. I phoned my friend and thanked her for canceling our plans as I shared my insights with her. We laughed and felt our bond once again.
Relationship Difficulties
I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that our unmet expectations of others is the primary cause of interpersonal strife. Take a moment to reflect on how this operates in your own life. When you consider every problem you have with someone else, no matter how important or insignificant, you will probably notice that it is based on your belief about something that person should or shouldn’t say or do. You may try to convince yourself that you are right, that whatever you want to happen is the best or most appropriate outcome. But your beliefs about what is right do not control other people’s behavior.
The Essential Question
So here is the dilemma: We develop an expectation about someone else’s future behavior; then, if the expectation isn’t met, we experience an emotional reaction. The way out of this dilemma is to get in touch with one of life’s big questions, which is, “What do you really want?” Do you want to set yourself up to experience internal stress and bring struggle into your relationships – or do you want to feel a sense of internal – and interpersonal – ease and well-being?
For myself, I choose the latter. Since my light bulb moment, this problem has never plagued me again to any great degree. The fundamental attitude required is a desire to know the truth, no matter what, in conjunction with a willingness to pay attention to your own thought process. At the beginning, I would catch myself feeling disappointed, then trace back to discover the expectation that I had unconsciously formulated. It was always there – the root of the problem. I connected with what I truly want, which is to let the moment be as it is without interfering, to not try to control the uncontrollable. Do I really want people to do what I expect them to? Actually, no. What I really want is for each person to act according to his or her own truth – not to cater to my expectations. I want to accept people as they are. Then it becomes my responsibility to address whatever reaction I might have to their behavior. This reasoned investigation lead me to willingly, happily abandon my expectations. I have become open and humble. There is space and freedom for whatever happens, which brings some unexpected delights. Having expectations feels stuck and constrained, while being free of them feels, well, free.
How to Release Expectations
If you feel inspired to unhook from having expectations of others and to do your part to bring harmony into your relationships, here are some guidelines. The first step is to recognize the expectation and its effects on you. Signs that you are trapped by this mode of thinking about others include the following:
- Thoughts that someone should or shouldn’t do something, sometimes showing up as an intense whirl of mental activity. Clues are: he should…, she should have…, he needs to…, she better…, I hope he…, I want her to…, I don’t want him to…
- Accompanying emotions directed at those who have not met your expectation – anger, frustration, fear, disappointment, abandonment, feeling like a victim.
- Stress, possibly appearing as physical sensations of tightness or tension.
- Discord in your relationships.
Once you have discovered an expectation and how it is affecting you:
- Find within yourself an attitude of openness and curiosity. You already know that continuing to create your old pattern is no longer viable. You are on the precipice of an important shift, about to do something radical and different, which is to explore a habit that has troubled you for perhaps a very long time.
- Ask yourself these questions, one at a time, and wait for the response to arise. Allow the answer that comes to sink into your mind, your body, and the deepest part of your being.
– What do I really want?
– Do I have control over someone else’s behavior?
– Is this expectation true?
– Is this expectation serving me and this relationship?
– What if I let go of trying to control and allow things to unfold? - Continue this process each time you find yourself caught by expecting a certain outcome.
Notice that I’m not advising you to drop the expectation. I am simply inviting you to become aware of your thoughts and feelings and ask some questions about them. This is all that is needed to take the charge out of your expectations. By truly questioning them, you are challenging the underlying assumptions that have been operating underground about them. Once your process becomes conscious and you see clearly how believing these thoughts induces suffering, your expectations actually let go of you. They no longer make sense, and you cease putting your thinking energy into them.
You may find some inner resistance as you investigate your expectations, as you are meeting a habit that may be quite ingrained. You may find yourself developing a strong rationale to defend your expectations. Be gentle with yourself, but don’t be defeated. I can promise you that when you get fed up enough with disharmony within yourself and in your relationships, when you are persistent in being humbly willing to investigate your own thinking, when you really want inner peace, you will see results.
But beware. You will undoubtedly experience the side effects of joy, intimacy, and a love of being alive.
I’d love to hear your reactions, questions, insights, and experiences, so feel free to comment.
cara says
This is a great topic and I really like how you fleshed it out. I wouldn’t be possible for somebody to really read this and not experience a change, at least in what they notice about themselves. Thanks, Gail, for this beautiful sharing!
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much, Cara. Yes, first we notice something about ourselves that we may not have seen before – a subtle belief, a feeling. Once we become conscious of it, we can make a different choice.
JKR says
Gail – I have mixed reactions to this – I think it is because the focus seems to be on the expectations (even though you say it is fine to have them). I have not found expectations to be any hindrance at all. I commonly expect a friendly reply to a greeting, folks to be honest, kind, loving, etc. This, of course would appear to set me up for a lot of disappointment and uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.
But, that doesn’t happen because I have learned to react with acceptance, amusement or even not at all to the reality that comes. At this point we totally agree – we can’t control others, and more broadly, a large part of our lives, so why let ourselves be bothered by it? Thanks for the thought provoking article
Gail says
Thanks for your comment, JKR. The problem with expectations comes when we are attached to them. If they are met, we are happy; if they are not met, we suffer in some way. You have found the real secret: to react with acceptance or remain undisturbed no matter what happens. This is where we meet – in the eternal stillness. Sending you love…
Meg says
Recently I had the opportunity to apply your advice when a commitment I was looking forward to completely changed into a situation where I was very unhappy about the outcome. I ended up wasting time, spending more money than anticipated, and received bad service. Because of poor scheduling by my friend, I missed another activity that I was looking forward to! I was a mess. Thankfully, I came home and read your blog, and started to understand where my expectations were coming from. Thank you so much for helping me cope with this situation! (I was able to turn the unhappy situation into a learning opportunity.) I printed the blog so that I can refer to it in the future. Thanks again!
Gail Brenner says
Sounds like that situation was your perfect teacher, Meg. Could it have been better designed for you? I’m glad you were open to the learning opportunity.
Love, Gail
BG says
This totally seems to be my problem. Always when I have an expectations towards a person I love, it ends up in a frustration since my expectation isn’t met. I can’t seem to let it go and just move on. I’m always blaming this other person for not for not meeting my expectation.
Although I’m aware of this problem for a long time and I somehow convince rationally that I must accept other person’s decisions, it always comes back to me when I interact with this person.
It seems like the more I try to work towards a solution the harder it becomes. I consider myself a rational solutionist, pragmatist. But this just takes me to the path of trying to reach a goal and at the end a frustration when I don’t reach my goal. And so I try again with a goal of having no goal. But here it is again – a goal.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, BG, and thank you for your comment.
You are noticing that just knowing this is a problem isn’t enough. This is good news because it says you need to dig deeper. Each expectation is a thought that needs to be investigated. Is it true? Does it serve you and/or the relationship? And I would be curious to know what feeling is underlying these thoughts. Are you afraid of not getting what you want, of being alone, of not being in control? This investigation may shed more light on the pattern.
And you may consider intentionally sending love and good wishes to the person instead of blaming them, wishing them happiness and well-being.
I sense that you have a strong intention to want to find your way through this, and I support you and wish you well.
BG says
I think underlying pattern is not being in control and also afraid of being alone. Or maybe its just not being in control of my own destiny in the future which manifests as fear of being alone.
As I examine people around me I think that this is a pattern for most of us.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, BG, these fears are so common. So great that you can identify them. Then you can see that those are your reality of the moment – it has little to do with the other person’s behavior, which you have discovered you have no control over. So now you can take a look at some of the articles on the site about fear, and you can learn how you can relate to the fear so it doesn’t have so much power over you. Here are a couple to start:
https://gailbrenner.com/2009/10/make-fear-your-friend/
The art and craft of befriending your experience
This doesn’t have to be a problem for you forever. I wish you well with your explorations…
Kenn. says
I been passing through something like that in my relationship.my partner gives me different kind of attitude which I never expected something like that in return from her. I’m the loving and caring type but instead of me getting same thing I return. But she misbehaves and do anyhow which I’m always feeling about that I never expected her to be acting like this.
Kenn says
I had a girlfriend which I so much love passionately. I cared and loved her a lot. All for me to get what I’m doing for her in return but she just kept misbehaving and I never get any good act from her. I expected her to care for me too and love me the way I loved her she doing anyhow which I been trying to change her attitude towards me but it’s not working I do talk to her but she seems not to be listening to me. She still does anyhow and I’m always hurt!
Gail Brenner says
Kenn,
You are discovering that we can’t control what other people say and do. This is an important discovery. Maybe your job is not to change your girlfriend but to look within yourself to meet your own feelings with love and acceptance.
Prathyusha says
Thank for such wonderful message
I also experienced same situation with my friends ,,,I realised it and accepted them.
Now am facing again with my husband ,,,even though an aware of expectation ,,am unable to overcome from it,,, he is always shouting at me ,,abusing me with words like am like this and that for my behavior ,,,am getting emotional and crying ,, repeating my behavior for what he did ,,it is going on like a circle ,,
Please help me
Gail Brenner says
Perhaps these articles will help you, Prathyusha. Study yourself, what you can work on or change about yourself, and be the best partner you can be. These are things you can control.
https://gailbrenner.com/2009/09/improving-relationships-1/
https://gailbrenner.com/2009/09/improving-relationships-2/
And there are several more on relationships if you look here: https://gailbrenner.com/archives/?showall=1