Dear Gail,
I have a question and would love your help.
I have generally been feeling a lack of motivation about a number of things in my life. I will initially get excited about something, but then get stopped for any number of reasons my mind dreams up. As a result, I have difficulty moving forward.
I was asked to coordinate a committee that I’ve been involved with in the past. I had reservations about doing it again, but also felt some renewed excitement. Mostly, I felt that I “should” do it, as it’s a very good cause to support. I basically accepted, but expressed my reservations to the organization’s staff, and now I need to get back to them with my final answer. This past week I’ve looked inside. I’m clearly seeing I don’t want to take it on again. I also see what’s behind my “should’s”: so and so will be disappointed in me, I’m a failure, they won’t be happy with me, they will never ask me again, going back on my word, on and on and on… I also am afraid to call back and decline. It would be so much easier if I just wanted to do it.
I know none of this mind talk is true. I can call and decline. I can continue to sit with this lack of motivation. I know that there is no right or wrong way to be. Yet, I don’t trust that I’m doing the right thing. There is a deep fear or lack of trust in myself and my decisions, and a feeling that I should know all the answers. Please help??!!!
Love,
Doubting and Confused
Dear Doubting and Confused,
I so appreciate your question, as it speaks to concerns that many of us can relate to.
The essence of this problem seems to be a conflict between what you genuinely want to do and what you think you “should” do. As you know, “should’s” can cause a lot of trouble. When a thought appears saying, “I should” or “I shouldn’t,” it’s like being caught in a stranglehold. You have a deep longing to feel free to act on what your heart desires (i.e., decline coordinating the committee) – and you must contend with the harsh voice of the inner critic reprimanding and berating you for wanting what you want. Somehow you have come to believe it, as what you are calling a “lack of motivation” is actually your true desire to say no.
So what to do with this pesky critical voice that has been bringing suffering to your life for so long? First, know that it is possible to be free of it. Others who have gone before you have actually discovered the freedom from self-criticism, and you can, too.
Now, let’s get down to business. If you follow these steps every time you hear the critical thoughts, they will eventually subside, and you will feel more relaxed and less confused.
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- Take an honest look at the inner critic to see what its purpose is. Is it trying to protect you or motivate you? Is it keeping you in line so you don’t make mistakes or get into trouble?
- Next, see that the source of this critical voice is fear – of failure or rejection, of not being good enough. At its core this voice is terrified, and the fear needs your loving attention.
- Meet the fear. Allow it to be…see how it feels in your body…ask it what it needs. Your inner conversation might look something like this:
“Hello, fear.” Already it is in shock because it is so used to being hidden. “I know you have been here for a long time, and now I would like to get to know you better. It’s OK for you to just be here. What do you need so that you can relax and not be so afraid?” Be open to whatever answers you receive; they are likely to be very illuminating.
- Acknowledge the effects of this critical voice: undermining trust in yourself; creating guilt, shame, and confusion; limiting your enjoyment; making you believe things about yourself that aren’t true; keeping you tense; interfering with the natural flow of your life. Are you ready to walk away from it?
- Reflect inside and see what you want your life to be about. Here are some choices: fear, limitation, lack, freedom, lightness, ease. What do you choose?
- Now this the hard part because your willingness to be free needs to be stronger than the force of the habit that is controlling you. Make the decision to not put your attention onto the critical thoughts. They may blow through your mind like a hurricane, begging for your attention, but to each thought say, “not true” or “no thank you.” You are keeping your attention on the here-and-now and casting a vote for your happiness.
- As you reject the thoughts, you are likely to experience the fear that has been fueling them all along. Again, meet the fear (see #3 above).
- Take this process on as a project, as you are trying to turn around a habit that has been in place for a long time. Address these critical thoughts every time they occur (see #5 above). If you do, eventually they will lose their steam. You will have more clarity and begin trusting yourself.
Your radiance awaits you. Choose life, and allow yourself to shine. Please feel free to write again and let me know how it’s going.
Love,
Gail
Monte Umphress says
Thank you Gail. Fear, absolutely, fear of getting hurt or of being unlovable. Thinking that I had to be different to be loved. This is important work. I love your writing and your meditations.
Love, peace and healing, Monte
Gail Brenner says
Dear Monte,
Fear is kept in place by stories we tell ourselves. The story (thinking you had to be different to be loved) might have had a function at some time in your life, but maybe now it is old and out-of date. When the thoughts arise, you can meet them warmly, assure them that you can take good care of yourself without them, then walk away from them in your mind. And love your fear. Let me know how it goes.
Love to you….
minoka saunder says
How do u overcome negative
Furaha says
Thank you Gail for your insightful answer. I have social phobia, every time I meet people especially the ones I already know I get anxious, my hands tremble, lips quiver, voice trembles. How do I overcome this fear. Your thoughts is highly appreciated
Gail Brenner says
Welcome, Furaha! Thank you for visiting A Flourishing Life and for your heartfelt question.
The question you are asking is a common one. Not everyone has social phobia, but most people experience some amount of fear. I understand that you want to overcome fear because it is so uncomfortable. However, what I have come to see is that simply getting rid of fear is not possible. I suspect you know this already. There is a paradox about fear. The more you want it to go away, the more it stays in place. However, if you let go of the need to get rid of it and begin to see it, welcome it, get to know it, it begins to lose its force. So I would recommend bringing your attention to the fear. What is it like in your body – what are the actual sensations you feel? Even if they are uncomfortable, can you just let them be? What does the fear need? If you take the perspective of the fear, what does it believe about the world? Get to know it like a friend, then it becomes simply an experience that happens and not some dreaded monster. This is a lifestyle, a way of being, and not something you try once or twice.
Also, I might suggest being very kind and tender with yourself. I know this might sound crazy, but you might see that the fear is actually hurting, probably from not receiving enough love. Find the most loving place within yourself, and offer it to the fear. Let go of judging and harsh talk in your mind.
Let me know how it goes, Furaha. Wishing you well….
Furaha says
Thank you so much Gail for your prompt response. The suggestion sounds great, accepting and loving all that Iam. Love and light to you.