“Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions.”
Hafiz
In this series, we learned how habits develop and markers to identify them. The previous post explained the wisdom of exploring our habits, beginning with thoughts and beliefs. Now we address the world of emotions.
A normal human tendency is to seek pleasure and avoid pain. But this inclination does not always serve us, especially if what we are avoiding is the underlying driver of our habits. Unexplored emotions fuel habits, so to know our habits fully means discovering these emotions and welcoming them in like a long-lost child.
Fear of pain causes us to evade our feelings. And freedom asks us to meet them directly, to move out of our comfort zone, to courageously awaken to our actual experience of them.
As one of my teachers, Gangaji, once said, “Pain is just pain.” When we fear pain, we stay imprisoned; when we are willing to tell the truth about our experience, release is possible.
Meeting emotions directly means doing so without the story about them. If we continue to tell ourselves the story of the feeling – why it is present, who is at fault, what needs to change for it to subside (“if only…”) – then the feeling will persist.
We see the feeling directly, not by thinking about it, but by investigating what it actually is. As you bring your attention to a feeling, recognize any expectations or beliefs you might have about it. Investigate these thoughts as suggested in Part 3 – Examining Thoughts, then receive the feeling as it appears.
As you meet feelings, you become familiar with them like a new friend, or an old one you haven’t seen in quite a while. Open your heart to the part of you that is hurting. It has gone into hiding because it has not felt safe to emerge. It has been driving you into habits that don’t serve you. Create a safe and loving space where your innermost emotions are welcomed.
Say you feel rageful when someone ignores you. The story about the feeling is composed of thoughts: John ignored me, he shouldn’t have done that, I’m furious at him, I’m going to give him a piece of my mind. This is all story, thoughts which have a constrained view of the world, as your investigation will reveal.
The feeling is the rage itself. Move your attention directly into it and be curious about what you find – burning, heat, tension, a feeling of being ready to explode. I know this is uncomfortable, but allow the space for these experiences to be. They may become more or less intense or change entirely. Continue to be open and inquisitive.
Do this with any feeling – terror, rage, grief…
I have sat with intense feelings many, many times, and I live to speak about it. When you finally turn your attention into the heart of your emotions, something wondrous happens. You realize that what you have been escaping is merely energy and sensations in your body. This is freedom! The thoughts are seen to be untrue, and the feelings are physical perceptions. This is all that is happening.
Let’s take another example – someone who procrastinates. The story is: I don’t feel like doing anything, I’m going to fail anyway, I’d rather sit around and eat chips, I’m too tired, it’s too much work. Now what is the feeling directly? Maybe you will see sadness or fear. What is sadness actually like – or fear – in your actual experience in the moment?
Sometimes the feeling that is present is fear of welcoming feelings. Sometimes the most prominent experience is resistance – a hearty “No!” to this whole process. All of these emotions are there to be met in your loving attention. Be genuinely curious and open-hearted; cultivate an attitude of wonder, like you are encountering an object you have never seen before that you want to deeply understand.
Once we are willing to investigate our habits, the inner world of truth and reality opens up. We do not have to “try” to make our habits dissolve. Under the scrutiny of deep love and gentle truth-telling, they just cannot hold up any longer.
How does behavior actually change? By being aware in the moment of what is happening and considering a different choice. The previously rigid habit now has some space. Maybe the rageful one will see that John is not the right friend for her or the procrastinator will decide to look more deeply into the world view of the sadness to see the truth of what has been weighing him down.
The careful examination of thoughts and emotions is the gateway to freedom from them. When they are seen for what they are, we are no longer triggered to blindly fall into the habit. It dissipates on its own, with awareness as the catalyst. Over time, we are unlocked from the identity the habit provided us.
It’s like outgrowing a coat that has been too tight for a while. When we take it off, we realize space, freedom, release. And as habits let go of us, the natural, unconditioned state has an aperture for expression. It may be just a crack to begin, but you effortlessly realize moments of happiness, love, lightness, well being, relaxation.
The final step on the pathless path to the freedom that is always here is to examine physical sensations. The body holds an intelligence that cannot be denied. It is the repository of all learning – including that which occurred before we had the capacity for language. In the next post, we will unearth the treasures contained in the body in the service of the ultimate peace and freedom.
What is your experience with emotional habits? Do you avoid some emotions? What happens when you see them directly?
Armen Shirvanian says
Hi Gail.
I like the point here about removing the story behind emotions. We get caught up in one story or another, missing the point about how it is affecting us now. If I keep my mind on the details of a past experience, I won’t take much notice of how it is affecting me right now, in my habits or general attitude.
I’d say it is sort of like watching a movie of our past. I can watch a clip of me long ago many times over, but after the first or second time, I’m not benefiting from it right now, and it is more like watching a TV show re-run, which is even lower value than a regular TV show.
You are right that anger and other feelings come up when the current state is examined like this, but that is what we are alive for, as you allude to here, and we can improve it a bit as well in the process.
Gail Brenner says
That’s exactly it, Armen! We sometimes can’t really see the feelings when our minds are involved in the story. And stories are like movies from the past – exactly like a boring “lower value” re-run. When we keep running the movie, it prevents us from seeing the emotion underneath. This is a defense. We may run the movie a million times so we don’t have to actually feel a painful feeling. Then when we stop putting attention into the movie, we see the feeling – and it usually isn’t as difficult as we anticipated.
I didn’t quite understand your last sentence. Could you elaborate?
Armen Shirvanian says
I sure can elaborate on that last sentence.
When I see that I was just watching my past like a re-run, which is not actually that often, or when I am stuck in the present, instead of rolling with momentum in the present, I’d say I get angry, but I think that is a good thing.
On the other point in the sentence, I was pointing out that this anger is a good thing. I was at the Armenian Music Awards a bit back and during some performances where others were enjoying the material, I was sort of angry thinking about how the Armenian-American community doesn’t really come together. This anger is a good thing though, as a leader has to have some of that about current conditions. It shows some strong signs of life.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, I understand. There’s a kind of aliveness to anger. When we are aware of it and respond to it consciously, appropriate change can happen. Thanks so much for all your comments, Armen. I love how your interest has been piqued by this discussion.
Kadeeja says
Thank you so much Gail for your posts and personal guidance. You are a blessing. I took your advice and totally surrendered to being stuck. Then there was a sudden insight and a space of compassion in my heart and I discovered a fear was weighing me down. I reassured myself and this has helped me start studying again. The sensation of denseness in my back has not dissipated and now it is not my aim to make it go away. I keep looking at all there is in my inner space with loving curiosity. Whenever I forget to remain in the moment, I get triggered. This reminds me to come back to the present and stay as the compassionate witness of my inner space. I am grateful for your advice and these wonderful reminders you have so generously shared with us.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Kadeeja,
The gift of forgetting is the opportunity to remember, and it’s beautiful. Sounds like you are using well the fact that you get triggered.
Actually, it’s not “you” using it well. If you watch closely, you’ll see that remembering happens and immediately, timelessly, presence is alive again. There is no “you” remembering or returning. And this is always the case. “You” aren’t witnessing your inner space – there is witnessing happening. You are not a separate entity who does or chooses anything. The functioning happens without your personal involvement.
And, going further, in pure reality, there is no “you” witnessing this separate thing called your inner space, or the objects that might arise in it (feelings, thoughts, sounds). See if it’s the case that whatever you perceive always has an element of witnessing in it. This is consciousness, the aliveness that is at the core of everything and inseparable from it.
It appears that there are separate objects being witnessed by a witnesser. But in fact there is only experiencing happening. This is you…this is love. Only consciousness experiencing itself. You can’t get away from it. Everything you see hear, touch, feel is you – an expression of the one. From this perspective, how could you not be compassion itself?
Kadeeja says
“There is only experiencing happening.” Wonderfully true. Thank you so much.
Would you kindly explain the sentence “See if it’s the case that whatever you perceive always has an element of witnessing in it.” further?
Gail Brenner says
OK, Kadeeja, say you are witnessing a bodily sensation. You might have a sense that there is you as the witness and the sensation as the object. But can that sensation exist without the awareness of it? Take away the awareness of it, and what’s left? If you are perceiving something, there must also be an element of awareness in it. It can’t exist independently of your being aware of it.
So, going deeper, is there actually a subject (you) and an object (sensation)? Or is there just pure experiencing happening? Now, take away time and space. That leaves no time for any ideas to arise, no space for any objects to arise in. In timeless, dimensionless awareness, everything in form collapses, no subject/object split, and there is just This – the seamless flow of life. It’s the undivided totality, the All, pure intimacy, love…
Kadeeja says
Thank you Gail for telling me exactly what I need to hear. Now what happens when the witness goes deep inside the sensation and tries to be one with it is that the whole body jerks. Please advise. I ask so much of you but you are always kind to me. Thank you.
Gail Brenner says
Simply allow it, K. This is energy moving through that needs the love of pure awareness without resistance. If it feels like too much to fully allow it with no structure, try a minute, then pull back. See that it’s OK, then go a bit longer.
Shifting Perception says
Such a great article. I very much welcome the idea of allowing emotions to surface and express them fully rather than seeking pleasure and continuously trying to avoid pain. Once we stop fearing negative emotions and start embracing them for what they are, we can learn that negative emotions are just there to show us some aspect of ourselves that still needs healing.
Gail Brenner says
I love this perspective, SP! When we don’t shy away from difficult emotions and we invite them in, we’re also opening ourselves to full healing. So important to realize!