“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
I know, it’s a dramatic title, but it’s been an interesting few days. From nowhere, a cloud has appeared, and I find myself stuck – imprisoned by my habits. Old mental tendencies have surfaced, and I am moody and negative.
Enduring happiness? Absolutely possible, I know, but right now it feels covered over by a film of sadness and disconnection. Or does it? Even as I write this, my experience is changing, with clarity reemerging.
Life is so generous – it has brought me another tremendous opportunity for learning how unhappiness works. It’s time to take my own advice. As my partner told me, “You have all the tools and understanding. If anyone can find their way out, you can.”
All the signs are there: I feel like a victim of circumstances and other people. I feel powerless. I am sad and irritable. Sounds like being stuck in a pattern to me.
The funny thing is that when I look with clear vision, nothing has changed. No momentous events have happened. I haven’t been broken up with or diagnosed with cancer or excommunicated from the human race.
The only thing that has changed is the thoughts in my mind. Yes, it’s true – it’s all in my head. I say that not to dismiss my experience, but to point the way to the way out.
I love how life has a sense of humor. How ironic – and humbling – that this reaction descends just as I have completed the series of posts on Freedom from the Prison of Your Habits. Well, I guess I have more to say, so here, from the trenches, is what I am discovering about opening the prison door.
Not taking responsibility = Stuck
I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. Sanity requires us to take responsibility for our own reactions. The thoughts of blaming others and “if only” fantasizing may be incredibly powerful. They run through our minds like a command of soldiers on a mission compelling us to do what? Actually, nothing. If these thoughts are in control, we are standing firmly in a belief system that is waiting for everyone and everything else to change. This gets us nowhere.
The world is not going to give you everything you want on a silver platter. No matter how forceful the habitual thoughts that beckon us to look outside ourselves for happiness, the wisest part of us knows that we need to look within.
In the past few days, I have repeatedly turned my attention away from the dead end thoughts and inward to investigate what is actually true. The thoughts kept grabbing me, and I kept returning within…over and over.
Get the right support
No one is coming to save you. The journey to peace is yours and yours alone. Certainly, get help if you need it, but do it wisely.
Support from others can be either medicine or poison, as one of my teachers describes it. Here is the poison: sitting on the phone telling the story of your woes and justifying your positions ad nauseum. If you are speaking with someone who completely agrees with your distorted way of thinking, you will stay stuck.
And here is the medicine: speaking with someone who is clearer than you in that moment and won’t buy into the negative misleading thoughts. It might be a therapist or mentor or friend you respect. This person will gently challenge you and offer an evenhanded perspective that brings clarity to your confused mind.
During my days of captivity, I spoke to two very sympathetic friends. I loved that they understood my point of view. But it wasn’t until I had a conversation with someone else, who was brutally honest about what he saw, that things began to shift. What made this work is that I was at least a little open (i.e., not defensive) to hearing what he had to say.
Be aware of your inner experience
On this blog, I speak a lot about investigating thoughts and welcoming emotions. I did follow my own advice during this time. It was sometimes difficult to be with painful feelings without the story starting up, but I did my best. It felt much more sane to allow the sadness and irritation to be, to feel them in my body, than to let the story run. Although I could justify the stories, I eventually found them to be lifeless and distracting.
And I was reminded that becoming familiar with what I was experiencing does not necessarily mean that my experiences would dissolve. Becoming aware of what is true in our experience has no goal. It is simply being with what is.
Of course you want to feel better. What I found is that the tools I used helped, but ultimately things shifted in their own time. I did all the preparations, but the actual letting go was not something I personally controlled.
I don’t have a strong inner critic, so there wasn’t a lot of self-judgment happening. In a certain sense, I was going with the flow. But if you tend to self-criticize, realize that there is another layer of thought that may be disorienting you.
You don’t always get what you want
A few days into this whirlwind, I got to the core of the problem: what I want vs. what I am given. I was caught in wanting people around me to be a certain way and to want certain events to happen that weren’t happening. My mind got very detailed about what it did and did not want.
When I looked at reality, I really saw: people are the way they are and the events I was waiting for were not occurring. I didn’t have any control to make anything different. Somehow this insight penetrated the insanity, and the dust began to clear.
Here are the choices I considered: change the situation, leave it, or realize that the problem is in how I was thinking about it. I did what I could reasonably do to change the situation, and I chose not to leave. What remained, then, was the task of coming to peace with things as they are. This sounds like a great idea, but it is only helpful if it lands and you experience an inner letting go.
Take care of yourself
It was no secret that I was having a hard time, so I did a number of things that helped to ease the pain. I didn’t force myself to work more than I wanted to. I went to a party I wasn’t too keen on, but ended up having a good time. I didn’t blow my diet or drink too much alcohol. I kept up with yoga and relatively normal hours of sleeping. And I knew my sympathetic friends were on call if I needed a little TLC.
One of the good things about hard times is that you get to be really nice to yourself. Think of it like a sick day. Take a rest, watch a movie, be out in nature, get support. Don’t coddle yourself to the point of reinforcing the drama, but take care of your body and enjoy yourself a little.
The cloud moves on
The clouds are parting, and the sun is shining once again. I am very grateful for this experience because, when I think about it, I have learned so much: avoiding pain perpetuates it ; negative thoughts with lots of energy behind them are misguided; even though you deeply know peace and happiness, delusion happens; there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel sane again…open, happy, loving, clear, expansive. And nothing has changed, but my mind! The veils have fallen away, and the boundaries are dissolving. All I can say is “thank you” – for every single moment of it.
How do you fare when you find yourself stuck? Any insights you’d like to add?
image credit: NicholasT
andre says
What works for me is to see everything, including myself, my thoughts, other people, their behaviour as well as events, as one big energy field. That way, form and personal investment are taken out of the picture. And, just as important, if not more so, I’m part of the picture (even am the picture). Being part of the picture means you don’t see yourself as separate. And if you don’t see yourself as separate from a situation, then nothing can happen to you. So that’s one of the things that works for me. Most of the time.
Keep up the good blog.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for sharing what works for you, Andre, and for visiting A Flourishing Life. I see what you mean. When everything is part of the energy field, nothing is taken personally. It’s funny how you can know that, but be caught in it at the same time, somehow convincing yourself of the illusion of separation. Then the blessed returning to sanity where resistance drops away and mentally created boundaries lose their meaning. All good wishes to you….
Hulbert says
Hi Gail. At first I thought how could someone with such a awesome smile be in prison! Then I read on and realized that it was being imprisoned in negative habits. Phew!
I think you’re right though. Sometimes days will be going well and all of a sudden we will unconsciously drift into our old habits that can eventually put us down or drive us insane, especially when it comes to writing and publish for other people out there.
I think one of the best things to do is to not over worry about the future and try your best to enjoy the present moments of life. I think that helps us stay sane again. 🙂
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Hubert, it was only the prison of my own mind, but funny how we can torture ourselves sometimes! These habits just seem to appear from nowhere right when we think we are on top of things. I love your suggestion: to not worry about the future and enjoy the present moments. If we truly do this, the habits are no where to be found. Thank you so much for your comment and for visiting A Flourishing Life.
Linda@InsanelySerene says
Gail,
Excellent stuff in here. I loved this quote, “Sanity requires us to take responsibility for our own reactions.” Very true for me, and I am a big believer in personal responsibility as a prerequisite to healthy relationships and sanity. It also gives me such freedom and power, to know that I have control over my own responses, reactions, and they don’t have to depend on anyone else.
I also loved, “And here is the medicine: speaking with someone who is clearer than you in that moment and won’t buy into the negative misleading thoughts.” I agree – I need someone to give me a jolt. Someone who may say it’s ok to sit on the pity pot for a few minutes, but then I have to get off.
When I’m stuck, sometimes I have to accept the feelings, and sit with them, as you say, and sometimes I have to express them and let them out, and cry and weep and scream to empty them out. Usually if I let the feelings pass through, I feel cleansed, or drained.
When I’m stuck, too, it sometimes helps to remember previous occasions when I thought I was in a rut, but there was actually progress going on under the surface, until finally I emerged feeling better. Knowing I’ve been through it before and can get through it helps with the present problem.
Thanks for the wonderful post.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Linda,
Thanks so much for your comment. You’ve added some wonderful points: sometimes getting the feelings out can help and remembering that we are always being supported to awaken even though it may not feel like it. To me, probably the most important thing is your first point – to take responsibility. If we look outward for solutions, we will never be satisfied. The world opens up to us when we look within. If I have a practice, this is it. All the best to you, Linda.
Deb says
I very much appreciate the sharing you are doing with your blog. I have been reading the postings over the past few days. Today I got to the one about fear and quit feeling hopeful and enthused. I wanted to quit reading, but I kept going. I found your audio on meeting fear and listened to that. The fear is still there, but with your help I got to “meet” it. It is a part of me, so it is ok, it is me. Several of your posts have helped me experience my feelings, not just try to push them away.
Thank you
Gail Brenner says
Hi Deb,
I love your persistence. Even when it’s hard, you keep going – the only motivation is to know the truth. This is what we do when all the other strategies have failed – and they will eventually. When we don’t push our feelings away, we are real with what is actually happening. There is then a chance for our defenses to relax, and we can let go of putting so much effort into managing our reactions. I so appreciate you sharing your experience. When we meet fear in the way you are discovering, it begins to not matter if it is present or not. We simply are with things as they are – and there is peace in that. Feel free to keep letting me know how it’s going. I wish you well….Gail
Robin Easton says
Hi dear Gail, WOW!! This is one of the most powerful posts I’ve ever read. I REALLY resonate with the message here and all the layers of messages. This is is one of those knock your socks of get up and take charge of your life posts…and yet, once again, it is done with typical Gail compassion.
It is truly excellent. I am writing about aspects of this in my second book (from my own life experience).
You wrote: “No one is coming to save you. The journey to peace is yours and yours alone. Certainly, get help if you need it, but do it wisely.”
YES!!! I really like both the “reality check” message here AND the “but do it wisely”. Oooh that is soooooooo good.
What you have done in giving this message is to give something real and solid. You’ve given your readers a gift, because anything else would be only giving them an illusion and in a way enabling them. There is a lot of enabling in my culture. And I think it only harms people and disempowers them is both destructive and degrading ways (but that’s another story) .
By giving the world truth, albeit a truth they may not want to hear, you have given them solid ground to stand on, not an airy-fairy concept that could drift away or shift like sand. AND more importantly, you are telling them that THEY have the power within them. You are NOT stealing their power, which so many new age and self improvement and even psych books tend to do.
All I can say is this feels REALLY clean, true and fundamental to me. It doesn’t mean we can’t get help, but I agree, do so wisely.
I look forward to reading more of your very grounded-wisdom-posts. You are a free thinker and such a dear and beautiful soul. I value that highly. Sending you hugs and love, Robin
Gail Brenner says
Your are a love, Robin. Thanks so much for your absolutely awesome comment! You add some great points.
I speak from my own experience – especially in this post!! I found it so ironic – and lovely – that something so strong came up right after I wrote about freedom from habits.
My interest, and I know yours is as well, is to drill down to the fundamental truth. Everything else is just confusion. I have gotten all kinds of help in my life – most of it not really helpful. Probably the most helpful thing was to stop seeking answers in the help and just sit in my own experience.
You speak so beautifully about these most important topics on your blog, Naked in Eden. I am so glad you are writing a book – it will be of benefit to everyone.
Lots of love to you, my friend, Gail
JKR says
Gail – it is so beautiful that you let us experience your own struggles, even after you have so clearly taught how to deal with them – it adds another dimension and helps me better understand.
Perhaps it’s just the long periods of darkness this time of year or the expectation of happiness with family and friends during the holidays, but I was recently in a strange place also. It was so simple, I made what may turn out to be a mistake even though I knew better. Nothing big, no terrible consequences – just that I think of myself as one who wouldn’t have made what might be a mistake in that area ….. somehow that caught me and I found myself dealing with it off and on for several days when I knew there was nothing wrong except my pride…. finally the humor of worrying about such a trifle became apparent and all is fine now.
What you say about “help” and “taking responsibility ring so true for me. I have come to remember and use sayings that work even though they can’t possibly be true. Some of them are: all change is for the better, I am totally responsible for everything that happens in my life, there is nothing more I need in this moment to be happy, etc.
Gail – thank you so much for these posts and the conversations they inspire.
Gail Brenner says
Hi, JKR, and Happy New Year to you! Thank you so much for sharing your experience of moving from darkness back to light. There is a saying from NLP: there is no failure, only feedback. It sounds like you used the feedback very well to shine the light on a knot that hadn’t yet been completely unraveled. Regarding sayings, sometimes when I am a lost, I coach myself through with sayings like the ones you describe. I find it helpful in the hard times, then they fall away when they aren’t needed any more.
Your commitment to truth and true self-knowledge is unwavering and comes through so clearly in you. Sending love…
eppie w.. says
I am glad I read this post today. I had been praying to the Devi, which is such a part of my life that it is like breathing.
I have a terminal illness and a severe chronic pain disorder. I have experienced what it is like to be “free” from the prison of my thoughts that confine me.
I always wonder, why having experienced that freedom do I allow myself to be locked in again.
I have a degenerative brain disease so it is true that on physical levels sometimes I do not have control of the thoughts that come into my head. Eventually, like many others with my disease, I probably may not be able to control my actions.
Thirteen years ago, I met my spiritual teacher and he helped me to recognize once again that I was on a spiritual journey.
I think it is a better way of saying it than I sometimes do saying that he introduced me to my spiritual path because I was already on my spiritual path as is everyone.
Now, I look at it as a matter of awareness meaning how aware a person is that they are a spiritual being living a temporary mortal life.
Things I have relearned in my spiritual tradiiton such as mindfulness practices have helped me greatly with my illness.
But, as I said above, sometimes I fall down and let the noise and thunder carry me a way.
One thing that I discovered that I try to explain to people whose loved ones have had changes in personality or can’t respond is this.
One time when I was in the midst of a mental storm, I felt myself being thrashed about here and there. I kept repeating simple phrases over and over again. Suddenly I saw a dark figure standing in the middle of the storm. I reached out and held onto this figure and together we watched the storm whirling around me.
I’ve come to understand that “figure” is me, the parts of myself that are not affected by any physicial illnesses. In many traditions, they say we are made up of multiple layers and I believe this is true.
So I try to tell people who are going through these experiences that they or their loved ones are still there, that is the person they know, love and cherish.
Thanks for this post. It has helped me to pick myself back up again.
Gail Brenner says
Dear Eppie,
A very warm welcome to you!! Your comment absolutely blew me away. You are faced with so many challenges and have found a way to receive them to support your awakening. Your willingness and courage are an inspiration to all of us. And I am so glad you have found a spiritual teacher who can guide you.
There is absolutely a part of us that is not affected by physical illness, traumatic experiences – anything life sends our way. In fact, who we are is whole, never damaged, not in pain. The essential truth is that we are not the body or the mind – who we are is awareness itself, the space in which all forms arise. I love that you tell people their loved ones are there, no matter what experience may be occurring. Our habits and reactions veil who we are – prior to these, we are radiant, whole, shining.
There is more support that we could ever imagine – and we get exactly what we need so we can be free. The dark figure you found was a huge support for you. When we are open to receiving everything, the possibilities for our awakening our endless.
Your blog is a beautiful, sincere, authentic expression of your experiences, and the tagline “The prospect concentrates the mind wonderfully” is right on.
Sending love,
Gail
Cybil Smith says
Thank you. Your posts are very insightful and helpful. I enjoyed the audio on investigating a habit – even though it made me cry. I appreciate your insight and look forward to continued reading.
When I’m feeling stuck, I like to write. It helps me to investigate what’s going on. I was uninspired the other day, so I wrote about it on my blog and it helped. =) (www.CybilScribbles.com)
Gail Brenner says
So great to hear from you, Cybil. I read your poem – a very beautiful expression. Thanks for sharing it.
I love that you used the word “enjoyed” about your experience of the audio, even though it made you cry. Maybe you enjoyed it because you were being authentic with your experience. I know I feel most real and here when I am simply present – no matter what the feeling or experience.
I wish you well…
Dan says
A great post, I hadn’t seen it before but it resonates precisely with where I am in my life. It’s 4:00 AM and I’m up stressing over some matters that aren’t going away, that I need to handle and/or take responsibility for, and that aren’t all that bad if I just tackle them in a methodical way and use good tools to handle the associated stress. I thank you for again finding such great words to reach out to people who are in pain and sometimes can’t find a way out.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Dan, and thank you for your early-morning comment.
It sounds like your stress has been a gift that has inspired you to look deeply into it. What is here? How can I proceed from this place with intelligence? This is how suffering serves.
Thoughts are only thoughts. Without the meaning and story we give them, they are as insubstantial as a cloud. Take responsibility about how you are relating to these thoughts, expectations, hopes, etc, because here is where the potential for peace lies.
I wish you well…
CP says
Dear Gail,
I’ve been really trying to shift my thinking through medetation and reading sites such as yours. I’m having a problem however because I truly feel like my happiness for the rest of my life IS dependent on something and cannot find peace until I have it. The thing I want is a child…..really a family, however the child part of that I MUST have. You see, I’m a 37 year old single woman . I have a lot to offer in a relationship however unfortunately I have experienced relationships with men who ended up with commitment issues and I have found myself single at this time that I have a truly biological deadline rapidly approaching. Honestly it is this “deadline” that may have caused me to fall into these bad relationships, because the possibility of failure meant the possibility of not having a child, and so i ignored warning signs. I don’t know any way I can be happy without having a family. It is the only thing I ocus on and I can’t seem to let go of trying to have control over my destiny.
Gail Brenner says
I understand your situation, CP, and I know the pain of this intense desire. But even this desire – as strong as it is and as much as you feel you don’t have control over it – buying into this desire, thinking you need a child for your happiness, this will bring you suffering. In the world of truth, there are no exceptions, and it is ruthless. Any attachment will bring suffering.
So what to do with this intense desire? Your path is to find peace now, in this present moment, and not wait for peace until your desire is fulfilled. You have to understand this in the core of your being – that you can only be peaceful now without whatever circumstances may be present. You say that you feel like your happiness is dependent on having a child. This belief needs to be challenged or you could never be happy again. Is that absolutely true that you need a child to be happy? There is something in you that feels lacking. This also needs to be investigated. This feeling of lack can be so strong, but when you look directly at it, it is only a story and physical sensations.
I know that when women feel the way you do, they can’t be truly open in a relationship because there are always strings attached, as you are discovering. As you can be peaceful now, you are more likely to be in a position to attract a good partner for you.
You say you don’t know of any way you could be happy without a child. It’s fine not to know, but don’t even imagine trying to be happy in the future. Really, peace and happiness are only about the now. And they don’t happen within the story of you – the one who does or doesn’t have a child. Who you are is much bigger than that, in fact who you are is infinite, brilliant, already full and brimming over, already fulfilled and eternally loving. This understanding is available to you right now and does not depend on any of your life circumstances, including having a child. Look beyond your attachments and discover the peace available now and in every moment.
Oceans of love and support to you…