“Self is what gives breath to Life. You need not search for It, It is Here. You are That through which you would search. You are what you are looking for! And That is All it is.” Papaji
In the last post, we talked about the most intelligent thing you could every do, which is to turn your attention inside – to live from the stillness within, and receive all that you experience without resistance. This post is the how-to, the description of what it takes to make this radical, life-altering shift.
You Can Choose How to Be
Ultimately, the answer to the question, “How do I turn my attention inside?” is, “Just do it!” No angel will descend to give you the power, and no magic is needed. Most of us, however, are so strongly conditioned to bypass our own reality and focus on finding solutions outside of us that a nudge in the right direction can be useful.
Not that looking outside ourselves is the “wrong” direction. It all depends on what you want. Most people are so caught up in their habitual patterns they can’t even discern that any other way of being is possible. And many of us, myself included, somehow choose patterns that don’t bring us happiness, even when we know an alternative exists.
From the perspective of the deepest truth, no thing is left out, all is included – habits, suffering, delusion, misunderstanding. There is no wrong way to be.
However, we do have some choice over the matter: where we put our attention. Attention is like earth and water to a seedling – what we pay attention to is what will grow. Our attention signifies what is really important to us. We might believe we have a certain value or inclination, but where we put our attention is the litmus test.
A Real-Life Example
I used to hold a grudge against my parents, which led me to feel angry a good part of the time. Why did I feel angry? I was thinking about events from the past a lot and felt that my views were justified.
At some point, by grace, I began to realize the extent of my anger, meaning that my attention moved from repeating stories in my mind to actually feeling my own experience. This was a revelation, as I saw how much these stories were hurting me. While I was busy running monologues in my mind and justifying my positions, I was ignoring the discomfort and unhappiness in my own body, mind, and spirit. Once I became aware, letting go happened naturally.
Where we direct our attention is the key to the prison door. Let’s investigate further.
How Does Suffering Affect You?
A desire to realize freedom and happiness invites us to be ruthless in telling the truth. There is no way around it. We take off the blinders and put down our defenses to be real with what is actually happening.
Consider a habit that you know isn’t serving you. Just for a moment, focus your attention on yourself to take an honest peek at how this habit is affecting you. First, look at your feelings, then your thoughts, then the sensations in your body. Your actual experience cannot lie. You might notice sadness that has gone on way too long, pressured thoughts that have no end, tension or even physical illness. You might be surprised by what you discover or it might be a confirmation of what you have known all along but chosen to ignore.
Seeing the truth, even when difficult, is the pathway to happiness. When we pay attention to what is true for us, the story of suffering ends and the possibility for clarity begins. Maybe it’s enough to acknowledge the truth or maybe you will be moved to do or stop doing something.
If you want to realize happiness, direct your attention to what is actually happening in your experience. Do the one thing you can control: make the loving, courageous choice to tell the truth about your own reality.
Willingness to Let Go of Strategies
Willingness flourishes when we reach the end of our rope. We truly see, with our precious attention, that our coping strategies and wishful thinking don’t work. What we hope for is an end to the suffering, but what we get is continued unhappiness.
Ultimately, strategies are futile. They may help manage situations or feelings for a period of time, but situations seem to change on their own, and suppressed emotions resurface. Strategies are what we “try” to do to fix problems. We minimize ourselves so we don’t rock the boat, we push to get ahead, we engage in any number of addictions and compulsions. Strategies are fueled by fear of seeing the truth, and the medicine is the willingness to bring our attention directly into what is actually true.
So let yourself hit bottom. Try everything to exhaustion, and you will be open to making a shift – to focusing your attention on the experience in the moment. Dig deep within yourself to find the willingness to tell the truth, the willingness to let go of strategies, the willingness to make a radical shift away from fear and into the reality of love and unity. It’s right here, waiting for you.
The End of Victimhood
If we unconsciously play out patterns of habitual thinking, we are a victim of unseen feelings and belief systems. It’s that simple. And so amazing that we can choose to stop being a victim by where we place our attention.
The definition of the word “victim” from dictionary.com is quite revealing:
“a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency (emphasis added)”
When we are ignorant of what is actually true and allow our emotions to deceive us, we fall into victimhood. We run on fear and lack, waiting for circumstances to change, and wonder why happiness isn’t ours to savor.
If we want to end this sad and frustrating play, we make the blessed U-turn with our attention. We abandon trying to control what cannot be controlled (i.e., we give up insanity), and we use our power to control the one thing we can: where we place our attention.
When we bring our attention inside, the truth of the moment is revealed. Experiences come and go, and we open our hearts to receive them all as is. Here is peace on earth – being with the unfolding of life.
When we try to strategize and fix, when we are a victim of our misunderstandings and defenses, we are trying to “do” life, trying to make it happen according to our personal desires. Bringing our attention inside shifts the balance completely. We realize we are one with the flow of life, allowing it to lead us, to show us the way.
It is not for us to say how are lives are supposed to be. Pay attention. Be still. Listen. And your life will unfold in glorious perfection.
Archan Mehta says
Thank you, Gail, your words are comforting and your ideas are like a warm, security blanket which we all need during a freezing winter.
Truth has powerful consequences, you are correct, but it also has the potential to heal.
For example, I used to suffer from painful experiences, such as gastro-intestinal disorders. Popping pills only made the problem worse.
It wasn’t until I started to meditate that I was able to heal myself from inside-out.
Sometimes, we look outside for the solutions to life’s issues when really all we need to do is look within and take it from there.
Your post gently reminded me of this fact.
And the hypnosis of social and cultural conditioning can have a deleterious effect on us. Like Ivan Pavlov’s dog, we become conditioned to habitual ways of doing things.
It is only when we unlearn the old habits and form new habits that we are able to break free and reach for the stars.
For that to happen, we need to believe in ourselves, that we are capable of change.
And take it one step at a time, be gentle, and start to take calculated risks to form new patterns of behavior. Most likely that can take time and may not be achieved instantly.
For example, some people discover suddenly that waking up even one hour earlier can help improve their mood and productivity. The writer, John Grisham, used this method and so did Robin Sharma.
Over time, both were able to form new habits and ended up achieving their goals in life.
Gail Brenner says
Archan,
It’s so beautiful to hear about your personal experiences with realization, with seeing the truth. You have benefited so greatly – physically and otherwise. I feel your presence through your words. Meditation is a wonderful practice that can start the healing process. For some people, it might be scary to start, as they are uncertain about what they will find. But taking the plunge is so worth it! When we tell the truth about what is actually happening, the possibilities for healing and happiness are limitless.
It’s not an exaggeration at all to say that we are conditioned just like Pavlov’s dogs. We are hypnotized into believing lies and misunderstandings that don’t serve us. Having the courage to get to the bottom of it – to see the full extent of the truth – is the healing balm. When we see what is actually happening, we have the power to choose otherwise. Then we are getting out of our own way, and our lives can flourish beyond measure.
Thank you so much for your beautiful words.
Robin Easton says
Hi dear Gail,
This is excellent. I related to your previous post on happiness where you said you sought out happiness. I am the same and always have been; it seems to be my innate nature. But when I was younger I learned “victim-hood” somewhere along the way. I can’t remember one adult role model who was not into victim-hood. So I just took it on. Not in a excessive way at all, but still enough that I did not take charge of my life.
It wasn’t until I went into the Australian rainforest and came face to face with myself that I took a good look at the role of victim that I played, and the poor me and the whole one woman pity party. LOL!! 🙂
I saw how it was completely hindering my happiness. I was still living in “baby mode” where I wanted the people around me to know all my thoughts, needs and so on. That’s real for a baby but not an adult. I then started to see that I lived in a world of adults who were each hosting their own pity party. 😉 From there I started to look at how I might do things differently. And that was THAT. I let go “baby mode” and moved into empowerment. I write about this in my second book. It’s a juicy topic.
I love how you write about these core truths or maybe the better word is core human behaviors. They are things we all relate to from some time in our lives. And yet you do it with such a soothing manner and at times even share your own beautiful life stories. Makes for powerful reading.
Much love to you dear Gail,
Robin
PS I also loved this line. WOW!!
“So let yourself hit bottom. Try everything to exhaustion, and you will be open to making a shift…” YES!!! :))
Gail Brenner says
Dearest Robin,
I love your clarity – and I love hearing the story of how you realized victimhood and moved into empowerment. Those kinds of experiences are so powerful! We realize the truth of what we are doing by believing distorted thoughts in our minds, then the letting go just happens, it is effortless. And this process happens in its own time.
Big love to you, my dear friend,
Gail
Deb says
Gail
Thanks for this post. I always look forward to the next one.
You wrote “make the loving, courageous choice to tell the truth about your own reality.” How do you tell the truth about your own reality? I recognize the victim role I play and am trying to stop that. I have started meditating and truly miss it when I miss a day. Is knowing the truth about your own reality something that will just come to me? As you wrote to me recently I need to take a look at what my real issues are, but I am not sure how to do that.
Gail Brenner says
Wonderful, Deb! Recognizing the victim role is the huge first step. Congratulations! Things are much more likely to change once you realize how you are suffering.
So here is what to look for to know the truth about your own reality: when you are in victim mode, or any mode of suffering, what thoughts are you believing? What expectations do you have of yourself and others? How are you resisting what is actually happening? Say someone doesn’t return a call to you. Notice the thoughts in your mind (“she should have,” “this always happens to me”) and recognize the feelings that are arising.
Now, know that this constellation of experiences is learned from your past. When you feel this way, you are experiencing lack, and most likely a lack of loving attention. You feel young, maybe even like an infant. Now, find your own heart – that part of you that is completely capable of loving, and hold those painful experiences, that hurting little girl, in the love. Pour on the love like a waterfall and let her drink in all the love she is craving into every cell. This is the healing. First, recognize the pattern that isn’t serving you, know that it is present because some part of you thinks you are lacking love, then receive the hurt part of you in love.
I don’t mean to make this sound mechanistic. When it happens in presence and aliveness, there is a palpable feeling of release and soothing. Give this a try, Deb, and let me know what happens. I love this dialogue with you and your beautiful intention.
Sending love,
Gail
Are you choosing people who you are better off without anyway? Are you doing something to send them away? Are you rejecting a part of yourself that needs to be welcomed? I invite you to lovingly go right into the meat of the problem and see what you find.
Deb says
Gail
Thanks for your comments. I tried this a couple times, looking at what I was experiencing – a lot is from my past – the same feelings occuring with new events. I looked way back at events that caused similar feelings, and gave myself that love you mentioned. It worked! Not that I am completely over all those hurts, but I have noticed some recent ruminations have lessened. I have been able to let go of those “rejections” a bit more. I can’t wait to read your next post on how to meditate.
Thank you.
Deb
Gail Brenner says
This is so beautiful, Deb. Can you feel me celebrating with you?
You had the brilliant insight that some feelings you are having now were related to past events. So you went to the source of the problem and flooded yourself with love, right where it is needed. Love is the very essence of our being. When that is realized, for real, the old hurts dissolve. You reclaim yourself as integrated and whole. In this way, all our painful experiences are our teachers, as they invite us to open our hearts.
This is a wonderful opening for you. May it continue….
Jenn says
Gail, thanks for sharing, this is great!
The definition of the word “victim” from dictionary.com is quite revealing:
“a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency (emphasis added)”
I didn’t think of it like that before, I guess this opens my eyes even more.. not quite out of victimhood yet but this could be the last straw … linked to assumptions, resentments and such.. thanks for sharing!
xx Jenn
Gail Brenner says
Hi Jenn,
For our purposes, and for the intention of freedom and happiness, victimhood is a choice. It is not something that happens because certain events have happened. It has to do with the stories we spin in our minds about these events. If we keep telling ourselves a “poor me” story and blame other people, we insure that victimhood continues.
The way out is to become aware of the story that the mind is repeating (so we can stop paying attention to it) and bring compassion to ourselves for the pain we feel. We might even bring compassion to the “perpetrators” for the pain they feel that motivated them to do what they did. You can read more about this on the article about forgiveness.
You are on such a beautiful journey. I am happy to support you in any way I can.