“Happiness is your nature. It is not wrong to desire it. What is wrong is seeking it outside when it is inside.”
Sri Ramana Maharshi
I must admit, I love happiness. I’m not one of those people who seeks out drama or thrives on conflict. It has simply been my quest in life to be happy. And it has sometimes been a rocky road.
Is Happiness Here?
A quest to be happy? Let’s investigate to see what that really means. If I am searching to become happy, then I am assuming that happiness isn’t present now. In a certain sense, this is a logical conclusion. Sometimes I don’t feel happy, so happiness must be elsewhere. Right?
Wanting happiness that I don’t seem to have feeds a tremendous longing in me. This longing motivates a search to find the missing piece that will fill up the feeling of lack or need.
I imagine I’m not the only one. For you, it might be success or fulfillment or love more than happiness. But who among us doesn’t feel that they need something they don’t have?
Where to Look for Happiness
If there appears to be a hole inside, then where to look for the perfectly shaped plug that will make everything complete? Since the hole is inside us, we reason that the answer must be outside. We couldn’t possibly already have the solution, or we would be applying it.
Most of us look out into the world to find the ideal relationship, living situation, career, or passion that will fill us up and finally end the desperation we feel. We try to change our thoughts, manage our feelings, reduce our stress.
We are putting tons of effort into improving ourselves and our lives so we will be happy at some point in the future. And it is exhausting.
The Most Intelligent Move
But here is the problem – and the solution: we’re looking in the wrong place.
Somehow we get tricked into believing that we aren’t already whole, that happiness isn’t here, that eternal peace is not possible. We strive for something better, and we settle for good enough.
The most intelligent thing you could ever do is turn your attention inside.
When you turn your attention inside:
- you stop waiting for the right circumstances to show up in your life;
- you stop hoping other people will treat you differently;
- you stop waging a war with your feelings;
- you stop letting your thoughts make you believe you are incomplete.
You stop resisting your actual life as it appears to you in every moment. You are aware and awake.
When you place your attention on the ultimate – awareness itself – you discover stillness, silence, expansion. And in that still space, everything arises.
Where Is the Problem?
When we look outside for solutions, all we find are more problems. Happily, we see that in experiencing life from the inside out, from the still space of awareness, we can be at peace with whatever arises. This is a radical shift: we let go of doing something to achieve an outcome, and we simply notice, from the stillness, the arising and passing of all experiences.
By now you may be asking, “But what about all those needs?” Actually, what we think of as needs are thoughts about needs. Problems are actually thoughts about problems. Say you feel that you need more love. If you investigate that experience, you won’t find a need. It doesn’t exist anywhere. You might feel a sensation in your chest or tell yourself in your thoughts that you need more love, but there is no thing called a need.
Try it right now and see. Look inside to find the wound or lack or deficiency. All you will see are thoughts and physical sensations.
So if you believe you have a need, and you look outside yourself to fulfill it, you are stepping onto the hamster wheel of endless searching. You are spending your precious energy looking for the answer to a problem that doesn’t actually exist.
Sounds a little crazy, right? Well, that’s how 99.9% of the world operates. Only a tiny fraction of people – and you are one of them – has the opportunity to contemplate true and lasting happiness.
Be with Things as They Are
Turning your attention inside means letting go of thoughts and simply being with your pure experience – allowing it, embracing it, welcoming it – as it is.
Now, I’m not suggesting that you pretend you have no problems or needs. This is just adding another layer of thought to an already complicated situation. Simply let go of trying to figure things out, of repeating stories and drawing erroneous conclusions. Just for a moment, turn your attention away from thinking and into that which is aware of everything. You will discover life happening – delicious, real, and alive in you. Just allow things to be.
Life Unfolds
When we make the most intelligent move we can make – turning our attention inward to investigate the reality of our experience – we open ourselves to the possibility of experiencing life in a new way. We relinquish control, we admit we don’t know what is going to happen, we actually live the life that is happening right now.
When we keep our attention inside, on silence, on life as it is unfolding, the appropriate action to take or not take becomes clear. We plan, but hold the plans lightly, as we are available to respond to the truth of the moment.
This radical, simple shift of attention is the end of blaming, waiting, and hoping – and the beginning of truly living, here, alive, fully awake to this precious moment.
photo credit: Cesar R.
Deb says
Every time I read one of your posts it seems as if it was written for me. Today I was/am feeling blue about some friendships that have dissolved, wondering why, what did I do wrong, how can I be happy without friends? This post reminds me that I can be happy, it is my relationship with me that matters most.
Thank you.
Gail Brenner says
That is so true, Deb. It is sane – and intelligent – to know yourself – all the nooks and crannies that are asking for your attention. I also notice a theme in your comments – about feeling alone and/or rejected. My guess is there is something deeper that needs to be discovered. Maybe in your own time you can take a good, honest look at what is actually happening. Are you choosing people who you are better off without anyway? Are you doing something to send them away? Are you rejecting a part of yourself that needs to be welcomed? I invite you to lovingly go right into the meat of the problem and see what you find.
Love to you….Gail
jean says
I am finding in saying “yes” to what is, no matter what, happiness can be experienced. This is a wonderful, uplifting post Gail. Thank you.
It brought to mind a quote from Edith Wharton, and I just had to look it up and share here:
“If only we’d stop trying to be happy,” she noted, “we’d have a pretty good time.”
Adding to that, the wise counsel of Yoda, “Do or do not. There is no try.”
🙂
Gail Brenner says
Great, Jean! I love your sense of humor about these potentially serious matters. And who is wiser than Yoda – except maybe the Na’vi from Pandora!
sam crespi says
I did feel relief after reading what you said about ‘needs’ and ‘problems’, because my attitude IS thoughts about needs. However there are many, including children, who have not enough to eat and that seems to like a very real need. And I can imagine them reading this and being upset, even angry.
.-= sam crespi´s last blog ..Meet My Tribe – The Creatively Maladjusted =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sam,
A warm welcome to you. So glad you visited here, and thank you for your comment.
I appreciate your point about discriminating between needs that are actually thoughts about needs in our minds and “real” needs such as hunger. Below is my response, and I’d love to know your reaction.
Let’s think of “need” as a story about a situation. There are the actual physical sensations of hunger someone feels, then the story about being hungry and needing food. When our thoughts get involved, situations tend to get more complicated.
If I am hungry, and on top of that tell myself a horrific story in my mind about hunger, fear of what might happen, etc., my guess would be that the situation would be even more challenging. When we deal with what is right in front of us, without the story about it, there is the possibility of wise, clear, decisive action. If there is hunger and I can find food, then that is the action I would take, regardless of the story in my mind. If there is no food, I am left sitting with the pangs of hunger with no action to take to alleviate them. This would be unfortunate, but it is the direct truth of the situation.
If children are hungry and we can feed them, then we should. If a child is hungry and there is not enough food, building a story about it is not going to help them get food.
Our minds distract us from the truth of the situation. Stories are limiting. When we look outside them, there is the space for new and creative possibilities to arise.
Take good care, Sam…
sam crespi says
I understand and recognize the wisdom of what you’re saying. Having lived in 3rd world countries, I’ve seen people who have been lost to the powerful delusions that come with stark hunger. In essence, I think what each of us is saying is rooted in truth. Your point is particularly important for what is happening around us now.. the U.S. is probably the most fear ridden country I’ve ever visited or lived in. And I wonder if this is a result of the stories we spun about being ‘the most powerful, the ‘richest’, etc. the collective ego indulging in smug hits the wall.
.-= sam crespi´s last blog ..Meet My Tribe – The Creatively Maladjusted =-.
Gail Brenner says
Interesting thought, Sam, about the power of stories about the US being richest, etc. Stories take us way from the direct experience of the truth, always. The most intelligent responses come, not from our minds, but in what emerges from the truth of the situation. The way I see it, the only thing that makes any sense to do is to look within ourselves and clean up our own space. Then the freedom and happiness transmitted affects everyone.
Becca says
I’m so glad I found your blog. I love it and it’s very inspirational 🙂
.-= Becca´s last blog ..Peppermint Nutella Cookies =-.
nigel says
how can i learn to listen. i never listen to other people and when im supposed to. im really thinking of what im going to say next. and im a terrible over speaker. i feel i miss so much by not listening.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Nigel,
You have taken the first huge step to dealing with this problem – you recognize the problem. Good for you. Now let’s get down to business. I’m making a guess here, but my guess is that you might feel anxious about what you are going to say next, so instead of listening, you are thinking and talking.
If this is the case, recognize your anxiety (fear, actually). Take a deep breath and tell yourself that everything is fine. Then don’t pay attention to this urge to think and overspeak. Instead, bring your attention to your ears and listen with your whole self. Be interested in what the other has to say. Be curious, ask questions. Focus on the other. Listening and not overthinking during a conversation takes trust. We don’t know what we are going to say or what will happen. Let yourself trust, and you might find that you enjoy your conversation so much better.
Please feel free to let me know how it goes. If you put energy into solving this problem, you will see results.
dave says
Something to contemplate —
There is nothing you can do that can make you happy – just stop doing what makes you unhappy.
Myoki Oni [zen master].
Gail Brenner says
Very beautiful contemplation, Dave. There is nothing to do to make us happy because happiness is already here – the natural state – waiting to be discovered. This can be seen when we stop playing in the world of unhappy thoughts and feelings.
Shadi says
This post encompasses everything. And I mean Everything. Gail you must be reincarnation of many sages whom have graced the face of the Earth through out the ages. I’m in awe. This post begs for much much deeper contemplation on my part. Hope I manage to understand a fraction of it eventually. Saying thank you for this generous sharing sounds rediculous really. But I’m sure you feel my gratitude.
Kim says
I’m so glad I found your blog. Whitney Houston says it in The greatest love of all. We need to find happiness within us. Looking to others to fulfil us, puts a burden on that person and in doing so makes us reliant on that person, or persons to be happy. My favourite part was-
Be with Things as They Are
Turning your attention inside means letting go of thoughts and simply being with your pure experience – allowing it, embracing it, welcoming it – as it is. This is the best advice you could ever give someone. I’ve used these tools you’ve shared here over the last 6 years to heal from an abusive past from family and partners. I always thought I needed someone to make me whole, but in reality I needed to find myself, so I could find someone to share with them, who I am. This has helped with friendships as well. Once I started to find myself I realised that ‘No’ was another word I needed to learn. Life’s a journey and if you take the time to live in the moment, you’d be surprised at how much beauty there is in our day to day lives. Thanks for your wonderful insight.
Gail Brenner says
Beautiful words, Kim! Thank you.