“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”
Steve Jobs
My lovely friend, Jenny, recently told me that she is faced with some big life decisions. With so much sincere devotion, she has been searching for her inner guidance, trying to hear the still, small voice within. Yet she can’t quite find it.
She described to me the experience of thinking she is close to it, then getting confused. Of recognizing the mental stories about her situation swirling in her mind, preventing her from finding clarity.
I don’t know about you, but I know that confusion well. Should I or shouldn’t I…what if I do…what if I don’t…but what about… And I know the possibility of finding my way through it to the place of clear seeing.
If your inner guidance seems inaccessible, or if you are boxed in, stuck, or indecisive, here are some pointers that might help. These are pointers in the sense of suggestions, but they also point toward what is alive in us – the whisper of truth, knowing, and ultimate fulfillment.
Recognize your thoughts, but don’t buy into them
In any moment, whether faced with an important decision or not, we may be unable to hear the quiet voice of truth because of thoughts bouncing around in the mind like popcorn. We tell ourselves how things should be, we make a list of pros and cons, we’re trying to fix ourselves so everything falls into place. You may have noticed that trying to stop these thoughts is fruitless, so just let them be.
We find our way to the quiet inner voice by recognizing thoughts, then not believing them. I know this sounds radical, but it is the absolute truth.
The mental activity in our minds does not offer the clarity that we are seeking. When thoughts beckon, look elsewhere. When doubt creeps in, notice what was arising just prior to the doubting thought, as this is likely your inner voice speaking.
Thoughts come in the form of beliefs, stories, opinions, and expectations. If you want to discover the inner voice of truth, don’t buy into thoughts. Open your attention to all aspects of experience, and let your natural intelligence speak.
Honor your feelings
As we walk the path to our inner voice, we are asked to welcome in our feelings. We refrain from analyzing them, and simply allow them. We notice what feelings are present, and let them be without the story around them.
Certain feelings are not trustworthy guides. Consider shame, guilt, embarrassment, anger, frustration, and fear. Making decisions by following these feelings will keep our true voice locked away.
Now reflect on excitement, wonder, awe, potential, heart-opening, YES. Follow these, and your light will shine.
Spiritual teacher Adyashanti once said that fear is never a good reason to do anything. If fear arises as you step into your true path, meet it, feel it, let it be present as part of your experience. But don’t let it stop you. The world is waiting for you.
Consider all the data
If thoughts and feelings are not keeping us on track, then where do we look to find the inner guidance? We can open up our awareness to all aspects of experience.
See what your heart is longing for (and may have been longing for for a very long time). Notice what happens in your body as you contemplate different options or move in different directions. Experiment with not knowing and simply invite yourself to listen.
Bring your attention right into your natural wisdom itself, and surrender – just for a moment. Dip a toe into the flow of your natural life.
Feel your way in
I love this phrase that a friend said to me recently: just feel your way in. There is so much freedom in this approach.
If we feel our way in, we don’t need to have it all figured out. We can let go of searching for the big picture before making a move. We realize we don’t need to know all the answers. What a relief!
Feeling our way in means simply taking the next step. How to discover the next step? By taking in the totality of our experience and doing the obvious thing. It might be contacting someone or taking a break or attending to some thoughts or feelings that are tripping us up. We simply ask, “What is my next step?” and be open to whatever answer arises.
Notice what is actually here
The surprising thing about the next step is that we may already be doing it. Our natural wisdom is always speaking whether we hear it or not.
If we put figuring things out on hold, we have the space to notice our interests and tendencies. We can see what we organically move toward or away from. We spot natural inclinations and pockets of enthusiasm. These are the voice of inner guidance.
What commonly happens, however, is that we squelch these proclivities before they have had a chance to flourish. We judge them away or miss them completely because they aren’t aligned with our expectations.
So, just for a moment, let go of all mind activity, and see what happens. Where does the body go? What actions are taken? What do you feel moved to do, or not do?
Allow your natural life to take shape in this very moment.
Notice – and abandon – expectations
I’ve said this already, but it bears repeating. Listening to inner guidance requires recognizing expectations, then choosing to let them go. Expectations, which can be quite subtle, are like telling a river where it can and cannot flow. They suffocate a living process that needs air to breathe.
If you notice thoughts, such as, “What would … think?” or “I couldn’t possible do that,” you can be certain that an expectation has arisen.
We cannot know ahead of time what our lives will look like when we follow the inner voice. They simply unfold moment by moment. And in this unfolding, our true heart’s desires are realized beyond measure.
What has been helpful to you as you discover your inner wisdom? What have you found challenging? Are there any pointers you would add to this list?
image credit: jurvetson
rob white says
Hi Gail. You have a very gentle style that I find quite enjoyable. Your right, when we are able to recognize our inner voice we never go astray. I recently had business relationship that soured. I entered the relationship reluctantly after my gut instinct kept shouting “No!” I got caught up in rationalization and wishing and hoping that it would work. Well, within 6 weeks nobody was happy and we ended on less than stellar terms. That inner voice is always guiding us in the right direction — thanks for the good tips to teach us all how to listen.
Gail Brenner says
Thank you so much for sharing this story, Rob. It brings all these issues alive for all of us to learn from.
It’s amazing how we keep going in a direction when everything is shouting, “No!” I’ve done it a million times myself. And it is painful. The pain then motivates us to be more aware the next time and more dedicated to living our truth, not just recognizing it.
The shift from following old patterns to listening to the inner voice involves letting go of our attachment to these patterns. Sometimes we hold on tightly. But I have found, as it sounds like you have, that when I make the choice to listen, over and over, the attachments fade and life begins to flow. Simply said, we are happier!
This situation you describe sounds challenging, but I’m glad it only lasted 6 weeks!
So glad to have you as a reader here….
Tara Mohr says
I love the idea of feeling one’s way in….when I tried that on as I was reading, I could feel how liberating and calming it felt.
I also love love love your point that usually what we hear just before the doubts begin is our inner voice. So true. I so often hear clients come upon the truth. A truth that seems too simple to be true. A truth that feels dangerous. A truth that will lead them to make difficult choices or big changes in there lives.
And then the doubts, the counter-arguments, the rationalizations of some other idea come rushing in, like a pack of dogs running over the moutain to pounce on that little truth.
Thank you for pointing out that pattern, and directing us to pay attention to that voice that showed up just before the doubts. I’ll be using that tool!
Warmly,
Tara
Gail Brenner says
Hi Tara,
Great that you expanded on the point about doubt being triggered by the whisper of truth. We are likely to become aware of the doubt well before we see through it, so doubt becomes an ally. It can be thought of as a welcome signal to investigate whatever triggered it. We are likely to first find fear, then the reason for the fear which is that the truth seems too simple or dangerous or challenging.
Once that whole constellation of thoughts and feelings is brought to awareness, we are in a position to make a conscious choice: bend to the doubt and fear or plunge into the realm of truth, love, and fulfillment.
I’d love to hear how your clients respond!
Chris Edgar says
Thanks for this — I felt my shoulders relax when I read this post — just when I think I’ve let go of my perfectionism, I realize it’s right there in the body, with its on-edge state, demanding something that works, something that gets me “there” now. 🙂
Gail Brenner says
So beautiful to identify the perfectionism in the body, Chris. Can you bring your loving attention to all those tensions and contractions? Can we all welcome, with compassion, those hidden places of holding and resistance that are there in all of us? Can we befriend that urge to be “there” rather than believe we are not enough as we are?
Simply meeting the way that perfectionism manifests brings us here to reality that is fulfilled, complete, totally alive.
I so enjoy hearing about your insights…..
J. K. R. says
My journey on this has been from all logic and reason – which seemed reasonable at the time – to an emphasis on how I feel. It seems now that many logical “decisions” are gently let go when I check inside.
Important decisions get the “Grandpa Treatment” – my grandpa told me years ago to “sleep on it” – incredibly strange how much clearer things become the next morning.
Most of the time it is simply, “relax and enjoy” which is a simple and very reliable guide.
At present I am completing a complex 2 year remodeling project while living in the house. Several times I have logically planned what should be the next step and then suddenly, on what would appear to be impulse, taken on a different phase – only after I am almost done do I realize (without fail) that something unknown or not considered made doing it in that order important.
Gail Brenner says
Hi JKR,
Welcome back! So glad for your visit and your comment!
It’s beautiful to hear how you have learned from experience. I think most of us start out planning, being rational and logical. Then, if we are lucky enough, we realize the ease that comes by letting things flow. I love the guidance of “relax and enjoy!” It’s sounds so simple. And has shown you the way in your remodeling project.
Your Grandpa was a wise man. If we’re not sure, not getting a “yes” or a “no,” then the obvious thing to do is wait and see. I have had the same experience regarding sleeping on it. In sleep, our habitual patterns fall away, and in the moment of waking we can see the world through fresh eyes, if only for a moment.
Thanks for sharing your journey with us!
J. K. R. says
Thanks you Gail – one clarification – for me the not yes and not no situations have come to be as Gangaji says, “heaven choices” – good will come from either. The sleep on it choices are for choices with considerable consequences – buying a house, going into business, etc. – I have often enough been ready to jump into something of consequence only to be rescued by sleeping on it.
Gail thanks so much – I bask in your wisdom and ability to express it so clearly and I love these conversations.
Nea says
As always, you’ve managed to bring me such comfort with your words. What I take away from this post is just to be easy about life…. to stop resisting and trust the larger part of who I am. Reading this was great way to start my day. Thanks so much my friend.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Nea,
I love what you said about trusting the larger part if who you are. When we analyze, pigeon-hole, and fix, we are using the mind, which is such a small part of our being. When we relax and stop resisting, our deeper truth has space to emerge. We can be easy about live, and it flows.
Love to my true friend….