In the last post, we examined the usefulness of unchaining ourselves from old emotional baggage. Readers offered some beautiful comments that speak to the power of letting go. There are certainly those welcome moments when, without our doing anything, the stuck energy of emotions moves through us in one big torrent.
More commonly, though, the emotional and mental habits that weigh us down play a kind of hide-and-seek game with us. We know we engage in patterns that don’t serve us, but somehow the full display stays just enough out of awareness that the patterns sustain themselves. We truly want to stop doing whatever it is that keeps us from being happy, but we just can’t seem to get to the bottom of it.
Rather than waiting for those moments of huge release, it is intelligent to cultivate the intention to investigate these patterns. As we all know, the force of a pattern can be intense. It’s exactly like an addiction that has us by the throat.
If we want to be free of the pattern, our intention to fully embrace it needs to be stronger than the energy of the pattern itself.
Fully embracing a pattern means being willing to take off all the blinders and directly experience our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. It means putting down our defenses, distractions, and urges to avoid and simply allowing ourselves to be aware of our own inner experience. And it is not always easy because the force of our habits can be so intense.
In my own journey, I have found the unlikely twins of ruthlessness and compassion to be essential.
One Twin: Ruthlessness
Ruthlessness is a very strong word. I use it because a strong intention, a fire is sometimes needed to burn through our conditioning, especially when it is well-embedded in us. When we want freedom more than anything, we become open to investigating everything we take for granted, including all our treasured beliefs and emotional dramas. We become intimate with all of it, bringing every bit of our experiences out of the shadows.
To realize complete freedom, nothing is immune to conscious examination – no assumption, no expectation, no identity. Nothing gets to hide; everything is seen. This exploration can be unrelenting, merciless, and unyielding, and leaves everything up for grabs. It’s kind of like dying, where what dies are the unconscious, often deeply-held, tendencies that lead us down a road of suffering.
The desire to know ourselves may smolder in a single ember or blaze through our lives igniting everything in its path. Buddhist meditation master Ajaan Chah says,
“Do everything with a mind that lets go. If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom. Your struggles with the world will have come to an end.”
The process isn’t meant to be cruel. It is designed to expose all our misunderstandings and confusions. It can turn our lives upside-down for a while, but eventually leaves us clear, open, grateful, and supremely happy.
The Other Twin: Compassion
Ruthlessness alone is devoid of heart. Although the path to freedom is sometimes quite fiery, it is incomplete without compassion. As we open our awareness to our deepest fears, we may notice the tendency to avoid or judge – anything but actually feel the terror at the core of our being.
Compassion reminds us to relax, to receive, to welcome. What is is. If fear is present, or any other difficult feeling, it just is. We commit to unearthing everything, with ruthlessness, then we receive what is discovered in openness and love.
We find within us the most loving, accepting place that becomes a haven for our challenging emotions and distorted beliefs systems. Compassion is the welcoming invitation for all the disowned and fragmented parts of ourselves. Every experience can come out of the shadows and return home. Habits weaken, and we realize that who we are is whole, undefended, and free.
Ruthlessness without love is one-dimensional, and compassion without fierce determination leaves room for us to slide. Discover your compassionate inner warrior. Commit to openness always. Live in the receiving of things as they are. Know yourself fully, and you are free.
“Wisdom without love is like having lungs but no air to breathe. Do not seek wisdom in order to acquire knowledge but in order to live and love more fully.”
Adyashanti
What challenges do you notice in living a self-aware life? What qualities are important? I’d love to hear…
Motivational Speaker says
Hey Gail.
When we let go of the anger, the fear, the jealousy, the resentment, the arrogance and the ego we begin to find freedom, joy and even relief. We start to discover who we are and what we can become. It’s liberating and enlightening. It represents a shift in our consciousness and is a sign of emotional growth and maturity. We may even begin to like ourselves. When we let go of being the incessant, insecure people pleaser and the human doormat, we begin to find our own voice and inner strength. And when we let go of the desperate, at times pathetic need to be loved, liked, wanted, noticed and valued, we instantly become more attractive, desirable and lovable.
Sometimes less is more and sometimes we just need to let go.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for your beautiful comment, Craig, and a warm welcome to you. I appreciate your visiting the site!
Sounds like you have experienced profound benefits from letting go. I am so glad you mentioned relief. When we realize we don’t need to hold on to sad stories that make us suffer, it is a huge relief. We can actually be free of these weights. It’s an amazing realization to see that these aren’t just words or the experiences of the masters – the possibility to let go, to be free, is available and possible for each one of us.
You also mentioned a shift in consciousness, and this is what it takes. It is moving from focusing on the bitter, small, fearful beliefs back into ourselves where there is wholeness and expansion.
I so appreciate that you shared your experiences here.
Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills says
How nicely you balanced this out Gail. Your “twins” metaphor worked well. Because letting go is now an integral part of who I am, I sometimes forget that it represents such a struggle for some. I appreciate the reminder and your sensitivity in this aspect. Excellent!
Gail Brenner says
Great to hear from you, Jonathan.
So wonderful to hear that letting go has become natural to you. Same for me most of the time, although I do get caught now and then – which is why the quality of ruthlessness can be helpful. I have found that conditioning can be very sneaky. Before I know it, a pattern has risen up and hooked me. So for me, it’s important to stay grounded in my true intention – which is to see everything as it is clearly.
In my experience, we can never have too many reminders!
Greg Blencoe says
Gail,
Thanks for the post! I really like the tough love approach of combining ruthlessness and compassion. Both definitely seem essential.
I also liked what you wrote about letting things go. Around the time I turned 30 (I am 36 now), I began to realize that the more I let things go, the happier I became. While this doesn’t mean to stop making other people responsible, my guess is that I am much better off emotionally letting go of about 80% of the things that used to bother me.
Furthermore, like you mentioned in the post, I have noticed that unproductive habits do have a way of lingering. Sometimes I will think that I am totally over a certain issue, but it will eventually come back (though typically not as strong as it was in the past). Therefore, the path to freedom is a process. But you eventually do get to where you want to be.
Gail Brenner says
Very well said, Greg.
Habits do have a way of lingering in ways that are sometimes just below our conscious awareness. You have described what happens very clearly – the habits come back, but not as strongly. Each time we see them for what they are, they weaken.
Ultimately, conditioning just can’t sustain in the face of the light of awareness. The light is who we are. When we are committed to letting it shine brightly, it eventually burns up everything, leaving nothing left. Then our minds are free to create, wonder, and experience each moment.
Armen Shirvanian says
Hi Gail.
Before I comment on the article, I used to joke to folks that I was “ruthless and dictatorial”. They sure would laugh. I would say it after they would call me funny or friendly or something like that.
Regarding the article, I’d have to say that hiding nothing sure does require ruthlessness. Very few people even get close to that. Letting go to achieve peace makes sense.
Good idea there about combining compassion with ruthlessness. Ruthlessness by itself is not so great for humanity. Add in compassion and, boom, there is a package that works. I try to show compassion.
Wisdom without love sure is no good. Love provides the fuel to use wisdom. Love is very important. It sounds like an obvious thing, but when love is missing from some relationship, everything starts to break down. It is something to keep an eye on.
Gail Brenner says
Hey, Armen,
Yeah, you seem like a really ruthless guy – scary, even. Isn’t that a great word – ruthless?
Regarding being ruthless, it all depends on what you want. There are many people in the world who choose to live in self-deception, because of fear, mostly. Letting go is a choice, and some, maybe lots, of people make the choice to not let go. But it’s amazing to even get an inkling of the truth that letting go and peace are possible.
Love is the ultimate, the home in which we can rest. When we exclude love, as you say, everything starts to break down. But when we live, think, and behave from the heart, there is a sense of OK-ness, even when things are hard. So, I think the challenge for all of us is to speak from love, act from love, let love infuse every aspect of our being – this is truly transformative. And this doesn’t have to be sentimental or touchy-feely. Love can be present at a business meeting or superficial conversation, too.
Speaking of love, I love your comment – you always add an interesting perspective that deepens the conversation. Thank you!
Linda Wolf says
Gail,
This is brilliant. I can relate to both qualities – ruthlessness for relentless honesty, compassion for kindness – in both cases, applied to the self. It took me awhile to get really ruthless with myself, I definitely lied to myself and lived in denial because I thought it was “safer.” But when I did finally get completely honest and willing, it was essential that I also learn to be gentle with myself. I was my own worst critic. Let me go with ruthlessness and I’d tear myself apart. Self-compassion, kindness, gentleness, self-forgiveness, these were skills I had to learn to balance out that rigorous self-examination. It is like flaying flesh sometimes, scraping the bottom of the garbage barrel, scratching fingers across a chalkboard. And yet, it is the only way to true inner freedom. I’m committed now. Thank you for another wonderful post.
Linda
Gail Brenner says
Wow, Linda, your comment is so raw, so fierce!
When we commit to being ruthless, we stop lying to ourselves, and when we do, some of what we discover is not so attractive – actions we took from misunderstanding, regrets, ways we have treated others and ourselves. Kindness is essential as we shine the light in all the dark corners of our mind and emotions. It is the antidote to resistance and allows the space for all reactions to be welcomed.
Your commitment to freedom is so clear – an inspiration for all of us.
Topi says
I enjoyed this post. By combining ruthlessness with compassion we are able to be truly honest with ourselves. Personal growth and healing are impossible without honesty. Otherwise, it’s like trying to treat a broken arm with cough medicine – you’re treating the wrong ailment, so it’s no wonder that the cure isn’t effective!
Gail Brenner says
Hi Topi,
Great to have you here at A Flourishing Life. Thank you for your comment.
You are right – this post is all about being honest with ourselves. Honesty combined with love and compassion are the true medicine. We may not always like what we see when we are honest with ourselves, but sometimes an uncomfortable treatment is just what the doctor ordered.
I wish you well….
SelfImprovementSaga says
Letting go, facing everything head-on, is so much easier said than done. I’ve found the journey to be a rocky one, but it is so very worth it. Being self aware, for me, means fully accepting and loving your perfectly imperfect self.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Nea,
Glad you stopped by!
I love that you bring this aspect of telling it like it is into this discussion. Letting go and facing everything isn’t always easy, but I am so glad that your experience is that it is worth it. That says to me that you have followed the process all the way through without getting stuck.
What a beautiful way to express self-awareness: “fully accepting and loving our perfectly imperfect self.” This is exactly it – accepting everything, all of it, perfect or not. Then it doesn’t matter what arises – we get to meet all of it with an open, loving heart. When we accept everything in love, as it is, it’s the end of resistance and the beginning of freedom.
Catrien Ross says
Gail, this post was wonderful. When ruthlessness is combined with compassion it becomes a quality that can transform your life. After a long struggle in a painful family situation here in Japan I awoke one day into awareness of the power and necessity of ruthlessness, both in myself, and in how I was seeing and responding to people and events around me. But since my ruthlessness was informed by love and the deep desire for more authentic engagement, the heart’s compassion expanded to temper that ruthlessness. And my perception born of that coupling of ruthlessness with compassion transformed me. I think you have performed an enormously important service by writing this blog post, Gail, and I thank you. Sending you a warm spring wind from the mountains in Japan – Catrien Ross.
Gail Brenner says
Thank you so much for your comment, Catrien. I feel that warm spring mountain wind.
How beautiful of you to share how ruthlessness and compassion have transformed you. The turning point for you was waking up to the desire and true intention to see your role in the problems you were having. That level of authenticity is bound to bear fruit. When we are willing to meet the truth, new possibilities open up – more than we ever could have imagined.
Much love to you….
Jenn says
I love this post! so much resonated, in fact I have never understood Compassion so well before until now. This was definitely a puzzle piece on my journey and I am grateful for you! I recently was learning of Mercy and this is also essential! Thank you very much! xx Jenn
Gail Brenner says
Hi again, Jenn,
Compassion allows us to bring the most shameful parts of ourselves out of hiding. When everything is received in love, we have no enemies. I’m glad you mentioned mercy. It is another beautiful quality that supports us in being with what is, no matter what it is. Mercy…compassion…love. When we live here, the whole world opens up.