Note: I am honored to have a guest post published today on Robin Easton’s blog, Naked in Eden, called, “Are Your Maps Holding You Back?” Feel free to stop by and visit!
“Let your life speak.”
~Quaker saying
“If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?”
~Dogen, Zen master
One of the most important questions we can ever ask ourselves is, “What do I want?” In my role as a therapist, I often ask this question of people when I first meet them. The most common response? “I never thought about it.”
Here we are, with the moments of this precious life ticking away. Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to stop and consider, “What do I really want?”
The Fallout from Not Asking
We all know what happens when we evade this question. We go along blindly, pleasing others, constructing a life that matches what we were taught to want or what we think we should want.
Until we contemplate what it is that we actually want, we bump along, patching things together, hoping the anxiety and discontent we feel will somehow dissipate.
I recently undertook an exercise in which I made a chronological list of all the events in my life having to do with my career, and the list was long. I moved from one position to another, quitting without a plan, secretly longing for the time when I would have enough money to stop working altogether.
As I looked at the list, the reason why was obvious. I had moved from fear, from views I developed from my past, from my identities – but I had not moved from my heart or my soul. I never stopped to ask myself, “What do I really want?” It was quite a revelation.
Needless to say, my approach has shifted dramatically. I have exposed the beliefs that were limiting me and befriended the ghosts of my past. I absolutely refuse to make a move unless I am clear that it is guided by clarity and truth, no matter what the consequences. My inner fire is roaring right now, and I have no idea what the future will bring.
Life is Expressed in our Actions
If we are not living according to what we really want, what are we doing? Gandhi said, “My life is my message.” If your life is your message, what is it expressing?
All we need to do is take a look at how we spend our time to determine what we actually value, what we choose to express in any moment. Try tracking where your attention goes for the next few days.
- What do you spend your time thinking about?
- What actions do you take over the course of a day?
- How do you treat other people and yourself?
When you consider what you really want and what you are actually expressing, how does it look? Are your actions aligned with fear and maintaining the status quo or with love and inner knowing?
Say you want to relate with kindness, but you find yourself snapping and stonewalling. Maybe you want freedom from a habit or addiction, but you keep doing it over and over. Perhaps you want to be at ease with yourself, yet your thoughts are incessantly critical.
Maybe you find that your actions do express your deepest heart’s desire.
Even though I longed to be fulfilled in my work, for many years, my choices were driven by fear and misconception. What occurred was far from a disaster, but it left me frustrated and dissatisfied. What I was expressing was a fraction of what I know I am capable of.
The Ultimate Commitment
As we take the courageous step into radical honesty and ask ourselves what we really want, may we be tender and forgiving. Every second of our past has brought us to this moment. We would not be here, open and willing, on the precipice of greatness, if any of it had been different.
We can play the “if only” game forever, or we can hold everything in love and commit to truth from now on. If our life is to be our message, we can:
- Become aware of fear so it doesn’t divert us;
- Identify roles and patterns that aren’t serving;
- Listen to our deepest yearnings;
- Make decisions with full awareness; and
- Follow what brings us happiness, joy, love, and true fulfillment.
This is the path that I choose. Care to join me?
Walter says
I’m traveling on the same path as yours Gail. But I must admit that the path is full of thorns. My mind has always been my enemy in this pursuit, my habits tend to get in the way. Still, it is better this way than not to make any struggle at all. I believe that the true purpose of our existence is to find ourselves beyond our form. 🙂
Gail Brenner says
Greeting to you, Walter.
This path is so incredibly rich – loaded with thorns and rose petals. I love how you are so resolute in your intention to know yourself, to live as freedom.
In my own life, I have found that it just doesn’t work to keep any part of myself as an enemy. All I do is suffer. If I befriend my “enemies,” I am no longer divided against myself, and there is a return to oneness, wholeness. These pesky habits need to be loved before they will rest.
May the sweet scent of the roses permeate your being….
Kristin Borquist says
Gail, Your Life is your Message directly spoke to me this morning. Before I read it, 5:45am and I am in my kitchen cooking food for the day, thinking how much I enjoy this first thing in the am. I think, isn’t that interesting, the first thing I like to do, how I wake up, how I prepare and nourish myself for a day with clients. Then, I think about what appetizers to make for a diner party this weekend, hmm something with mint and fennel… Then, I read your article! Thanks! Kristin
Gail Brenner says
Hi Kristin,
A warm welcome to you! So great to see you here, discovering blogs and blogging…
So beautiful to notice what your life is saying – nourishing yourself and others, generosity, attention to detail, doing what you enjoy. Simple moments like this are so rich. When we check in with what we are doing, in any moment, we see the truth of our existence.
This is an exercise that can be especially helpful when our lives somehow feel off track. If we are willing to be honest with ourselves, we can see where we have turned away and make the choice to return. It’s so amazing – the freedom that is always available to us!
James says
I often ask people what there perfect day would be like, just to get a feel for what things they like, always amazes how many people haven’t thought about it before. It’s very scary how many people are so passive in life, I guess it’s safe and comfortable to be like that. You might think with all the sceintific and technological break throughs we have these days it might translate into people being more awake to the universe. It seems the opposite might be true though, Science makes people think we know it all, it’s all done, the book is closed.
As the philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein wrote
” Man has to awaken to wonder — and so perhaps do peoples. Science is a way of sending him to sleep again. “
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, James. Thanks so much for visiting!
I love this comment. I know! How is it that people are so unaware?? On one hand it amazes me, too, and on the other, it brings up a tremendous amount of compassion.
In this blog, I’m probably speaking to the converted, but the more people express the possibility of a conscious existence, the more likely others will get interested. This is where “your life is your message” becomes so important. When we put any preaching aside and are actually alive in our lives, people start to notice. Once the possibility of freedom dawns, we can never completely turn back.
Thanks for adding to the conversation….
rob white says
Beautiful post Gail. Indeed, “My life is my message.” I am truly expressing it in my own writing endeavor, and like Walter, it is hardly a straight-line. There is plenty of zigzagging along the way, but when we are sincerely persistent about “what we want” we can see our frustration as opportunity to correct. And believe me, there is plenty of correction going on here!
.-= rob white´s last blog ..What’s Cooking Inside of You? =-.
Gail Brenner says
Rob,
Your perspective is so inclusive. Every zig and zag can be seen as an opportunity to correct. We measure what we are doing to what we really want, and make a choice.
It sounds simple, but sometimes the choices are hard. We are faced with giving up our treasured, familiar ways of being if they are based on conditioning. It’s a ruthless, thorny path, but what we receive is immeasurable – deep peace, true happiness.
Armen Shirvanian says
Hi Gail.
I do care to join you. Your path is healthy.
“What I was expressing was a fraction of what I know I am capable of.” That is a thought that we need to come across sooner than later. When we have loads of potential, but are only using 10% of it, that means our life could be 10x better if we used all of it. Some don’t believe that we have such capacity but I have seen people double or triple their effectiveness.
The longer we go, where we let our life be a book that we don’t ever re-read to see what it is about, the more likely we are to lose more potential. I know the value of potential. Most of my regular thoughts are in relation to unused potential. I assume this is similar for many others.
This reminds me of how I have seen an article where the writer said to imagine someone was videotaping you all day, or that you were being provided monetary compensation based on hourly habits. Some of us would change a lot if this were the case. YouTube is fine but people would watch less distracting videos if they had the constant thought that a sizeable percentage of their daily time was being tossed away to consume short video clips.
Our life is like a big message we emanate out to others.
.-= Armen Shirvanian´s last blog ..The Social Interaction Dance =-.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to my path, Armen! Actually, I knew you were already on it!
I’m a big fan of telling the truth. And if the truth is that I (or anyone) is living a life that is not up to its full potential, it needs to be said. Only then can we make the shift that results in different choices. I imagine this is what happened for the people you know who increased their effectiveness. When we admit what’s true, even if it is embarrassing or undesirable, there is the potential to change it. This exercise calls for us to be very compassionate with ourselves.
Oh, if most of us could see our lives on YouTube, we would probably be able to let go of self-sabotage very quickly! Especially when we behold some of the mindless things we do such as watching distracting video clips.
Our life is always speaking – it’s up to us what it says.
This is a very thoughtful comment that you offer. Thank you.
Jean says
Arm-in-arm with you on this, Gail! Even after the blessing of finding your blog a while ago, I am still AMAZED at how timely and right-on your topics relate to my current experiences — great, great post!
Just recently shared a discussion with a neighbor on this very topic. I find when making a decision (or taking action) from a perspective of fear (“I’d better take this position; jobs are scarce,” or “I’ve got enough of those in the pantry, but I’ll buy four more – just in case”), the result is not so favorable for me or anyone in my life.
I heard about a group of folks putting together meals in their homes to feed some unemployed families in their community. As I began donating practically all of what I had been storing (“just in case”) to their project, my daily life became richer and much more enjoyable. Most important is now having a feeling of “there is plenty,” a result I hadn’t obtained through my “responsible” storage efforts.
Your moving on something without a plan rings loudly here — Done, done, done that. I still require work on discerning whether I’m just a “free spirit,” in deep denial or being irresponsible. (I’ve given my last few dollars to a few relatives and causes, only to end up needing funds myself – and not carrying through on trusting we live in an abundant universe). So I continue to work on that question. It’s also best for me to use some caution in recognizing that some fears belong to others observing my situation than any actual fear I am holding. The question here always begins with where is the current location of my compass point – key starting place for a recovering co-dependent!
New opportunities are continually presented to me. Sometimes I really don’t require a plan. An assurance deep within my heart that everything is well, trusting we’re all doing the best we can and issues that may are being worked out. I may not always have the clear path I desire at exactly the chosen moment, yet I’m finding the BELIEF that I’m on the beam is the best place for me.
If dreams are part of a plan, then definitely sign me up! My dreams are a big part of what is enchanting and delightful about my life. I’m thankful for what is and look forward to all the goodies forthcoming.
Thanks Gail!
🙂
Hugs, Jean
Gail Brenner says
Beautiful, Jean. Your comment so expresses your commitment to living in truth and awareness.
Spiritual teacher Adyashanti says that fear is never a good reason to do anything. Whether it’s fear or expectations or identities (free spirit identity?) that trap us, the only sane way to move is from the heart. I recognized that my identity as “psychologist” got in the way. I love that I’m a psychologist, but taking it on as an identity led me to feel that I could move only in certain directions. It wasn’t helpful.
It sometimes takes a while, with astute observation, to discern what is truth and what is identity/fear/expectations. I find going very slowly helps and not moving until I am sure. Patience is a virtue in this regard.
When we follow what we love, we’re right on the beam. So dream on, my friend! Enjoy yourself!
Topi says
What do I want?
Time to spend with my husband, children and the rest of my family, work that fulfills me and makes me happy, friends to enjoy and cherish. Not a big house, expensive car, or overseas holiday. And the thing is, this is all within my control, but up until now my fear has held me back from taking the steps that lead to what I want. Not any more Gail! Thanks as always for a post that has made me think.
Topi
.-= Topi´s last blog ..Accountability =-.
Gail Brenner says
Tears in my eyes reading your comment, Topi.
You are so clear about what you want. And it’s so beautiful to hear your conviction to live true. Your family, and your own heart, are waiting for you….
Lots of love to you…
Dr. J says
Hi Gail!
I found your site from the wonderful article you wrote on Robin Easton’s site, which I found from a comment she made on a story I wrote on Lance’s Jungle of Life site.
Every once in a while, someone great like Gandhi comes along in our world and reminds those who pay attention who we really are!
Take care!
.-= Dr. J´s last blog ..Lab Notes: Premature Births Decline for Second Year in a Row; Liverpool Wants to Dump Word Obesity =-.
Gail Brenner says
Wonderful to meet you, Dr. J, and welcome to A Flourishing Life!
I love to hear these stories of serendipity and chance meetings. We seem to get exactly what nourishes us.
Gandhi continues to be such an inspiration to everyone. His life was definitely his message, and we can drink in that same possibility for all of us.
Be well, my friend…
suZen says
Hi Gail! I am sooo with you! Just “found” you at Robin’s – both of you are incredible treasures!
I begin every day with a breakfast of gratitude just for BEING here. Waking up is a great start and at my age, a blessing from the get go! I’ve been lead to sooo many wonderful opportunities in my life – and have consequently almost “reinvented” myself just about every decade. I honor clarity, truth and peace in my thoughts, while snacking thruout the day and evening on love and compassion. After 6 decades, everything I ever wanted is right here and now. I’m now “into” helping others, thru motivation, support, inspiration and always, always laughter!
Hope we “meet” often on our path!
Hugs
suZen
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, suZen! I hope we meet often, too – our hearts singing the same tune – and feasting on the same meal.
I love hearing how your life is devoted to peace, clarity, and happiness – these allow our hearts and souls the space for expressing the truth that moves through us. You are such an inspiration when you say that everything you ever wanted is right here. Holding onto a story of lack only diverts us from seeing this truth. We are already whole, filled with the possibility for endless peace, joy, and fulfillment.
Sending lots of love your way….
John - Zen-Moments says
Hi Gail,
My goodness, this is so true. We can think and feel in the deepest, most powerful, and beautiful manner, but we need to give it legs and take action, if we are to create our life with those values and realizations.
I found your site through your Article on Robin’s site. You have a beautiful blog, and I love what you have to say on it. I’ve subscribed and look forward to further explorations.
Best,
John
.-= John – Zen-Moments´s last blog ..Unconditional Love versus Sexual Desire =-.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, John. I’m so glad you stopped by!
When we are clear about what we really want, we can make the decision to let our lives express our deepest desires. It is the end of living blindly. This means choosing to not follow conditioned patterns that lead to suffering. Rather, we are awake to the authenticity of our actions, and choose accordingly.
It is such a blessed life we live, brimming with possibility.
I enjoyed checking out your blog. I also look forward to more conversation. I wish you well….
Joy says
Gail,
My “inner fire is roaring” as well.
I know my heart and hear it’s whispers. I stand in Faith, knowing all is guided and feel my job is to remain open to it all. Sometimes Fear comes in and diverts me for a bit until I recognize, acknowledge, and allow Faith to grow so big there is no room for Fear.
I believe in the concept of unfolding–all that is necessary for my life is already in it, I just have to be quiet enough and do the work to be ready to experience it fully. There are times when life gets busy and my morning and evening routines that are full of all that fulfill my heart’s longings and bring joy to my soul, are cast to the side. When I do practice my morning and evening routines, I am in alignment and miracles are manifested–healing is shared. *That* is the ultimate. So, my goal is to remain in alignment–sometimes effortless, sometimes challenging, but always full of wondrous delight:)
Gail Brenner says
So delightful to have you visit, Joy. Glad to see you over here!
I am so moved by your comment. It is such a beautiful expression of clarity, of willingness, and of telling it like it is. We sometimes lose our way, fear arises, busyness interferes. But if our faith is strong, we simply return, over and over again. When we are in touch with our heart’s longings, and we want to be in alignment with them more than we want our conditioned habits, life unfolds just as it is meant to. And in living that alignment is so much love.
Thank you for such an honest and clear depiction of the only life worth living…
Liara Covert says
Another perspective is that body, mind and spirit are expressing themselves constantly in different languages. From this view, it is a question of allowing and choosing not to block or miscontrue the signals that are already received. Peace & blessings to all!
.-= Liara Covert´s last blog ..What if you feel torn? =-.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Liara. Thank you for visiting. I found your comment provocative – and a wonderful addition to this conversation. Thank you.
Spirit is always speaking to us – in all ways, as you astutely point out. When we stop and notice how we get these messages – we see bodily sensations, urges that appear from nowhere, ideas that float into our minds, visions, a felt sense of something. The guidance is there if we choose to listen to it – rather than block or misconstrue it.
That you mention misconstrue is interesting. The mind loves to take hold of something and manipulate it for its purposes (mostly survival). Usually, it makes things way more complicated than they actually are. So maybe finding ourselves in a complex situation would be a signal to see if we are misconstruing a message.
I can feel that your comment has opened up some doors for me. Thank you!!
Farouk says
that’s an inspiring post Gail,
i really like who you chose the timing for quting ghadni’s words, for example “If we are not living according to what we really want, what are we doing? Gandhi said”
very interesting post , keep it up 🙂
.-= Farouk´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Farouk,
So great to see you over here! And thank you for your comment.
Gandhi never ceases to be a source of inspiration for all of us. The way he conducted his life invites us to take a look at our own. We might not like what we see, but the willingness to take a look can be the beginning of transformation.