“Of course, anger can always be justified. But then, so can forgiveness. It all depends on how much more you want from the adventure.”
~Mike Dooley
Everybody needs to relax, right? Well, that is why I do crossword puzzles. The other day I came across the clue for a 6-letter word meaning “something you hold or nurse.” The answer? Grudge.
This clue offers a recipe for how to keep a grudge – you hold on tight, you feed and nourish it so it stays lodged in your mind. And what are we cherishing so dearly? As the dictionary defines it, “a feeling of ill will or resentment.”
To anyone out there still holding a grudge, is this what you really want?
Why Let Go
Freeing ourselves from the web of a grudge needs to be approached with care. People are capable of doing some pretty nasty things, and maybe you have been the target of some of them. If so, I am truly sorry for the pain you experience. But now the question to consider is: have you suffered enough? Does it serve you to hold onto the story of what happened or do you want to be free of it?
As you reflect on this question, here are some facts to consider:
- Forgiveness is about us and our peace of mind; it is not about the other person.
- The person who benefits most from forgiving is us, by far.
- Forgiving does not condone or excuse someone else’s bad behavior.
- We cannot change the past or others’ behavior; we can shift our thoughts and feelings about what happened.
- We can let go without an apology.
- Forgiveness lowers stress, decreases blood pressure and heart rate, and enhances positive thoughts and feelings.
Just as forgiving benefits us, not forgiving perpetuates our suffering. When we are caught by a grudge, here is what happens:
- We think about the tragic story of what occurred – sometimes a lot.
- We justify continuing to hold the grudge by reminding ourselves, over and over, how awful the other’s behavior was.
- We feel angry and sad.
- There is often a rift in our relationships.
Letting go of all of this is a return to wholeness and relaxation. We stop expending energy trying to protect ourselves. We take a huge weight out of our minds, hearts, and bodies.
Consciously Choosing to Let Go
The first crucial step in letting go of a grudge is to turn our attention to our own thoughts and feelings. Incessantly repeating the story of what happened distracts us from our inner experience and keeps the grudge in place. The medicine is to open our hearts to ourselves and tenderly embrace all of the hurt and pain. As we learn to care for ourselves, the focus on the bitter and resentful thoughts and feelings diminishes.
Shifting our attention doesn’t happen by magic. It takes our conscious commitment to the intention to heal ourselves, no matter what. It is a decision we make for our own well being. It’s the same as choosing an apple over a doughnut – we consciously decide to move in the direction of helpful rather than hurtful.
When you look inside yourself, are you ready? I know you can find the brittle story of what happened, but can you also connect with the part of you that is fed up with feeling bad? When we desire freedom, more than anything, we are ready for true healing.
Caring for Our Tender Feelings
With an open and accepting heart, the forgiveness inquiry begins by asking, “What am I actually feeling in this moment?” Be curious about what you discover: maybe sadness, anger, or fear, or the stronger feelings of sorrow, fury, or terror. You might notice physical tension or a sense of feeling stuck in different areas of the body.
In the spirit of cultivating inner peace and happiness, allow these experiences to be received fully by you. Saying, “Yes!” to each one, brings the liberation you are longing for. No longer hidden and festering, they are fully welcomed into the light of your attention.
As we are all well aware, the thoughts associated with a grudge have the power of a freight train barreling down the tracks. We cannot control their arrival, but we can control how much attention we give them. Our job is to look underneath the thoughts to reconnect with our tender feelings, over and over.
Odd as it may sound, we don’t try to let go. When we refuse to give the story our attention and we care so lovingly for those most vulnerable places inside of us, the letting go happens. We notice feeling lighter, having more energy, smiling more, being kinder to others.
Returning to Wholeness
Goodness and love are our nature. As soon as these essential qualities have a portal, they can’t help but express themselves. Holding a grudge pushes aside our essence, our very life force, in favor of misery and separation. When we light up our dark secrets with love and understanding, peace beyond peace is revealed.
Do you want to forgive but feel stuck in the process? What has helped you to let go? I’d love to hear. Everyone benefits from the challenges and revelations you share.
image credit: atoach
rob white says
Hi Gail,
You make a great distinction here. Why forgive? Do it for yourself. Whenever we FOR-GIVE we GIVE up a begrudging opinion FOR something healthy and new.
I always think about what Marcus Aurelius advised; “Let your opinions lie still.” He was referring to those harsh opinions that pop up when life challenges us.
Great post
rob
.-= rob white´s last blog ..YOUR MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP =-.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks, Rob. I love that quote: Let your opinions lie still. It’s the secret to peace for all of us in all situations.
Yes, we forgive mostly for ourselves. We all want to feel better, and forgiving is one way to do that. At least, that is what I have found in my own experience.
Take care… Gail
Wilma Ham says
Hi Gail.
I came to forgiving once I realized that I have a role to play in the situation, that there is never only one person responsible for the deeds that happen and it helped to see that I was not perfect either.
Besides learning to forgive, it took me some time to understand that forgiving does not mean accepting that bad behavior is okay. I somehow still wanted a way to have that person see its behavior as bad and mend his/her way. Now I can see them as separate.
I found I actually had a lot of misconception about forgiveness and all these explanations have helped me to re-arrange my thoughts about forgiveness and see it in a much more ‘healthy’ light. xox Wilma
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Does the way you talk destruct or create? =-.
Gail Brenner says
This is so clear, Wilma.
We have that desire for the one who did us wrong to admit they were wrong and even apologize. I totally understand this urge. My concern, always, is our own happiness and what gets in the way. We simply don’t have control over how that other person views their behavior and if they apologize or not. So if we place our happiness on this outcome, we are setting ourselves up for suffering – essentially we are choosing suffering. When we dissect the situation to see what is true and determine the best route to happiness, it becomes clear that our inner letting go is freeing. Then it doesn’t matter what the other person does or doesn’t do.
I think we all have these misconceptions until we take the time to really look and tell the truth about what is actually happening. And when we do, we can take good care of ourselves, as you so beautifully write about.
It’s worth saying again: our inner letting go does not mean that bad behavior is OK, that we accept or condone what someone did. We let go for our own happiness and peace.
Lots of love to you….Gail
The Exception says
This is a wonderful post – One that I need to read a few times now and again as once I think I have done the work, I find that there is just more work or letting go to do. I find it easier to let go when it is just me – more difficult to let go when the hurt is done to my child.
Letting go is liberating though – it is a nice feeling to recognize the hurt and the emotions and say “okay” and then letting them go.
.-= The Exception´s last blog ..Anchors =-.
Gail Brenner says
This is so beautiful how you are willing to revisit the issue of forgiveness over and over. It is so easy for a new resentment to build up just outside our awareness. There is a great wisdom to continually checking in to make sure a grudge hasn’t sneaked in under the radar.
Forgiving someone who has hurt your child – I feel for you. The principles are still the same. What or who does it serve to hold on to bitterness?
The letting go is liberating. May we be bathed in the light of full liberation.
Sending love to you…
Armen Shirvanian says
Hi Gail.
I can’t say I am holding any grudges, but there are people that I look at in a certain way that I could forgive for their actions. That might be an advanced or alternate method of forgiveness that I could see as being valuable.
An example I would give is to see a certain person stepping on many people on their way to a higher position. Letting go of being angry at them for being this way would be a fine way to save energy for more useful thoughts.
That does give peace of mind like you mentioned in this article.
.-= Armen Shirvanian´s last blog ..Really Helping Others Requires Inner Strength =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Armen,
I totally resonate with the “alternate” form of forgiveness that you describe. We may not hold any big grudges, but if we check in with ourselves, we might notice subtle judgments or resentments that crop up. As you said, these call for forgiveness also. If we are not at peace with someone else’s behavior, there will be an inner reaction, a sort of contraction or closing, that deserves our loving attention.
This is a beautiful way to live and brings ongoing peace of mind.
E-hug back to you!
Hilary says
Hi Gail .. yes – as you say the veil is lifted and we definitely benefit in letting go and forgiving .. it’s only us that’s hurting. By embracing forgiveness we will heal ourselves … often the situation we are in, is because we caused it (or are the cause of it) .. so we need to get rid of that pain.
That’s the way I do it .. it’s my ‘fault’, but I can’t change it .. so don’t grieve, get over it, and certainly don’t hold a grudge, life’s too short … Thanks – Hilary
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..Stirling Castle – with all its history, defences, wall paintings and tapestries .. and the Museum of Modern Art, NYC =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Hilary,
It’s so easy to sometimes think things are our fault, isn’t it? Your comment speaks to the power of forgiving ourselves, and I really appreciate your mentioning this. No matter what our role in the events that transpired, whether “victim” or “perpetrator,” forgiving solves all of it. When we let go inside ourselves, it is for all painful feelings – those in reaction to others’ behavior as well as our own.
In the end, there is no victim, no enemy, just melting away of all walls, inner and outer. Then we are available and receptive to everyone and everything.
Hulbert Lee says
Hello Gail, this post hits me because I have felt grudges before against people who were mean to be in the past. Then one day, I felt so miserable that I decide to just forgive the people and wish them the best. I thought it was a crazy idea to do it at first, but if lifted a lot of negative energy from me. Although, I don’t think I will ever forget their actions, I try my best to not focus my attention on them and to just let it be. I feel more peaceful now. Thanks for sharing this Gail. Great blog by the way!
.-= Hulbert Lee´s last blog ..Attraction – Esther Hicks =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Hulbert,
I’ve seen you around the blogosphere – so glad that you stopped by!!
Your comment speaks precisely to the power of forgiveness. You decided to forgive because you felt so miserable – you did it for yourself, not for the other people. Forgetting their actions is not the issue, but committing to your own happiness is. So when you make the choice to not focus your attention on those memories and you let them be, you know peace. My heart is so full as I write this – I am celebrating with you that you have discovered the secret to freedom.
This is an inspirational story that I am delighted you shared!
Grampa Ken says
On this topic I like the old Chinese proverb Gail, “He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves.” With revenge it so often just gets worse.
.-= Grampa Ken´s last blog ..Poor, Hungry and Hopeless =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Ken!
Great to hear from you. Your comment is so clear and so succinct. Revenge only takes us down a very unhappy road. If we buy into the belief system of revenge – trouble. If we are willing to be curious about what we are thinking and feeling, then there is the possibility for relief and freedom.
Wishing you a beautiful Sunday!
Sibyl - alternaview says
Gail: I thought this was a very good post with real helpful tips. Forgiveness is one of those big lessons in life and definitely one that we all need to master. I thought what you pointed out about the need for us to choose to forgive because it will not just happen automatically was really important. It is easy to fall into the trap of convincing ourselves that we don’t need to forgive anyone until we feel that the emotions have passed through our system, but the reality is that we have to facilitate that process. We really do have to choose to participate in the forgiveness process and that takes a commitment on our part. Very good post.
.-= Sibyl – alternaview´s last blog ..The Best Thing We Can Do When We Have Been Working Too Much or Too Hard =-.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks, Sybil. Great to hear from you!
Your comment speaks to the saying, “Time heals all wounds.” Well, it heals some, but not all. We do need to make a conscious choice to forgive, especially if we are stuck inside a very hardened pattern that is not budging. If we are waiting for the emotions to pass through, in the meantime, we feel bad, which affects not only ourselves but people around us as well. I like the fast route: be conscious, make a choice, let go, and be happy.
Wishing you much happiness….