“Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.”
~Oscar Wilde
So many heartfelt comments to the last post about attachment. Thank you, all.
And what a tender topic. Who among us doesn’t struggle with attachment? The holding on can be so strong, the need to have things just as we want them so overpowering. If attachment appears, we have a choice: let it control our lives or allow it to lead us on an inner journey of self-exploration. I imagine you know what I choose, so let’s peel the onion of attachment just a little more to see what we discover.
The Mechanics of Attachment
Attachment is all about being tied up and constrained. According to dictionary.com, it is “a feeling (emphasis added) that binds one to a person, thing, cause, ideal, or the like.” Other definitions describe this feeling as affection or fondness. Now, I am all in favor of affection or fondness, but when readers commented about their struggles with attachment to material possessions or their children or what other people should do, something else must be at play.
And that “something else” is fear. When we are attached, we are absolutely terrified of not being in control and of being without what we think we have. If things don’t go as we want them to, if we lose the things and people that support our identities, if we really let go of viewpoints that don’t serve us, then we are stepping out into the unknown. Instead of addressing this fear, we clamp down on ourselves and the people around us, wanting everything to stay just as it is.
Attachment and Survival
The roots of attachment run deep, and it is all about survival. As young ones, we need to attach to the people around us to get our needs met. And who doesn’t melt seeing a mother duck with her brood.
The thing is, as wonderful as survival is, being attached to it is bound to cause suffering. Because no matter how hard we try, all life forms are created with an expiration date. To state the obvious, no one has made it out of here alive.
We start by being attached to survival, to those who make our survival possible, and it continues from there. We experience a great comfort with the known and the familiar and begin to fear letting go into what we cannot know or control.
Contemplating Loss and Meeting Fear
Take attachment to possessions as an example. I have a lovely Nepali friend who came to the US with nothing and was eventually able to realize his dream of buying a home. Now he is faced with possible foreclosure, and he is desperate. He is terrified of watching everything he worked for disappear before his eyes.
What he has done is nothing short of amazing, and it has been an honor to witness his journey. But somehow his home has turned into an identity, and he fears facing the loss and whatever may come as a result. I cannot see how this attachment to his home has served him – except if he chooses to investigate it.
Whatever we are attached to – children, partners, our health, success, our identities, life itself – all of it deserves exploration if we want to know peace. Playing the “what if” game can be useful. Here are the instructions:
- Bring to mind something you fear losing.
- Imagine the loss as realistically as you can.
- Welcome whatever feelings arise and meet them with a full and loving heart.
I make a practice of this “game.” I have gone around my home, taking in all the things I enjoy and appreciate, saying, “What if this went?” I have contemplated the people I love, and considered their loss. I have imagined myself homeless, alone, and in a wheelchair. This hasn’t been easy, but meeting these fears and sorrows directly has revealed so much peace.
The unexamined fear fuels the mind with all sorts of terrifying thoughts. We scare ourselves and don’t even realize we are doing it. The truth is I have no idea what is going to happen if any of those losses actually occurs. And I have no idea how I am going to respond. Something beyond my wildest dreams could happen.
These scary thoughts are like the boogie man in the closet – they don’t have much validity or substance. When I move my attention to what is driving the thoughts, the fear is seen just as sensation, as energy. When anything is possible without restriction, nothing arrives – or departs – unexpectedly.
Investigating our attachments opens the path to a life that is authentic and real. If we bring our fears out of the shadows with a willingness to befriend them, if we contemplate the dissolution of everything we know, the heart can’t help but sing a song of gratitude. Everything could go, but reality remains – this moment – fresh, alive, and overflowing.
The Exception says
So often it seems that people are attached to the physical or the material or a person. We can’t imagine life without and yet when we have life without X we find that we can be happy and live.
I find that it is more difficult to not become attached to time – and I am not sure I will explain this correctly. It is the events that are shared or the “way things were” or the habits we create. When we are asked to give them up, it is more difficult in some ways, perhaps some more than others, to move on. How many people realize that they are in negative relationships but they are attached to the habits that are a part of that relationship or they are attached to the events? How much of this sort of attachment is involved with the pain that some experience in aging?
My daughter is attached to her ad as he was when he was a part of her family. She is having great difficulty letting go of that man and accepting the man that he is choosing to be now and his absence from our “family.” Can she live and thrive, yes… but the anger and grief are there and detaching from that love of the way things were is more difficult than I could have imagined for her.
Gail Brenner says
I get this. We get attached to familiarity – in ideas, people, the way we expect things to be. We are attached to things staying the same and not changing over time. This form of attachment is so close to us, it is hard to even see sometimes. These areas of attachment leave us stuck, unable to comfortably move forward. I have seen this over and over among older people who are living in the world of “if only” and not accepting things as they are.
I hear your sorrow about your daughter. She is walking her own path. If she decides at some point that she doesn’t want to live with anger and grief, she will do what she can to figure out how to detach from her ideas about how things are supposed to be. Suffering can be a very generous teacher. Her suffering, as is true for all of us, contains the possibility for her freedom.
Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills says
Hi Gail, this was extraordinary! It’s amazing how things find their way into our hearts and then we don’t want to lose them. There are those who say that all suffering is linked to attachment. But couldn’t we say the same thing about love and passion?
This is a subject I have contemplated deeply and your little exercise will be getting a real workout in my life. I was also thinking about the attachment to things like knowledge and personal growth, new experiences and mental stimulation. Very different from people and things, but attachment all the same. What do you think?
.-= Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills´s last blog ..A Personal Growth Lesson From A Little Bird =-.
Gail Brenner says
Very thoughtful, Jonathan. Nothing is immune from attachment. We can be attached to feeling better, to improving ourselves, to wanting mental stimulation, even to happiness and peace. We can definitely be attached to our ideas about things. Any attachment is a place to investigate, a place where we are not free, a place where we fear loss. When these experiences go uninvestigated, they control us. We don’t tell the truth because we are afraid of losing whatever it is we are attached to.
Living in total freedom means no beliefs, no expectations. Everything is always fresh and new. We see things as they are and have the courage to tell the truth. This is the life of pure non-attachment. Living in wonder, gratitude, and receptivity.
And did you mean that suffering is linked to love and passion? Love is possible with complete non-attachment – which I would say is true love.
Deborah Wall says
Attachment is a great and vast subject.
You think you have released attachment in one are i.e. material goods, and it shows up in another area i.e. outcomes.
It is a life long lesson and one the whole world seems to be working.
I think we should embrace that it is part of us, be kind to ourselves when we see it in action, understand that it is not wrong but only and experience and then maybe we will be empowered to need it less as we move through life.
.-= Deborah Wall´s last blog ..To fall in love is easy, but it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes the person one desires to be. — Anna Louise Strong =-.
Gail Brenner says
So beautifully said, Deborah. Attachment is not something to fix. It appears when it does, and each time is an opportunity to take a look and free ourselves from fear once again. Your perspective is very compassionate and is filled with common sense!
Marie says
Hi, Gail –
I appreciate how clearly you have captured such an important truth! When I find myself feeling anxiety about nothing in particular, it is usually because I have been unaware of my current attachments!
Thank you!
– Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
.-= Marie´s last blog ..Accusations of sabotage =-.
Gail Brenner says
I’m so glad you found the post helpful, Marie.
xoxo
Gail
Topi says
This is an extraordinary post, and much food for thought for me. Thanks
Topi
.-= Topi´s last blog ..Gratitude for breakfast =-.
Gail Brenner says
Food for thought, Topi. May your meal be delicious! Bon Appetit.
rob white says
Hi Gail,
That is an interesting and worthy exercise. It is wise to always pay attention to ruthless rules of reality. I have a good friend who’s father is quite sick and I advise him to look at reality to prepare him for the worst case scenario. We always want to keep a positive attitude, but sometimes we have to look at the other end of the stick to keep us grounded in reality. Great topic.
.-= rob white´s last blog ..What does a Panda car have to do with me? =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Rob,
Yes, the rules of reality can be ruthless. Reality is benign and loving, but just because we want something doesn’t mean it will happen. I find a great freedom in allowing for all possibilities. I don’t necessarily work to keep my thoughts positive (I know some people would disagree with this approach). In the receptivity to everything, there is a peace that seems to diminish all problems. No problem=happiness!
Looking at all ends of the stick is grounding. When anything is possible, we don’t have to worry about the past or future, leaving us available in the here and now.
You are being a true friend to your friend by helping him to relax into whatever happens. It could be an incredible blessing to him.
Farnoosh says
Hi Gail,
I had been waiting to read this all day and never closed the browser tab until just now. Wooh, at last :)! A topic very close to my heart and now I have read it all. I am (I think) glad that someone else imagines the loss of everything as I do all the time and find it morbid but in a strange way, it makes me very conscious of the present….Attachment is psychologically comforting I think – Even I have a comfort blanket. It brings us peace and gives us an escape. Homes are a prime example of that. I can really appreciate the twist you put on everything and yes, it is very good to think about the loss of just about everything and prepare ourselves for that rare occasion. Thank you for writing about this.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Farnoosh! I’m so glad you stopped by.
Attachment is psychologically comforting – until the thing we are attached to is taken away. Or if it is an idea we are attached to – until someone disagrees with us. Then we’re not so comfortable. This is the crux of the problem. We can love our things, people, and even our beliefs, but if we hold them lightly, we aren’t left stunned when reality throws us a curve.
Besides, the experience of attachment is not free. There is fear and clinging and desire. As an example, we may not be dying for many years, but if we meet the fear of death, we can truly live now without fear, rather than living with the fear of the inevitable. And this changes everything.
I feel like I’ve met a kindred spirit in you! Thanks so much for the comment.
Hilary says
Hi Gail .. I’ve had moments in my life – when it’s been turned upside down – as now .. by design … by life itself – my case by life as is ..
Fortunately I’ve always realised this – I haven’t been as ‘low’ as your friend – who made an amazing achievement in moving countries … but he should have a huge advantage over many others (most) .. in being able to think forward & adjust ..
I do hope so .. he’s been to the worst .. and he knows he can always rebuild .. at the moment I completely understand he’s not interested .. but that’s his strength ..
Interesting – it’s acceptance of what is .. thanks Hilary
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..A stroll on the wild side … =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Hilary,
We all bring to the table different qualities, and for the most part, people are quite resilient. My friend has done so many amazing things against the odds – I am sure he will find a way through. But it is definitely a continually stressful time for him that is wearing him out, and I think his thinking is not completely clear because of his attachments. It is something we all can learn from. And it is also painful to watch.
Sometimes life turns us upside down. This shakes us up and allows us to see where we are holding on. Life is so generous – always giving us what we need to realize the possibility of letting go.
Much love to you…
Farouk says
that’s a very deep and useful post Gail,
i always believed that getting rid of the past is one of the important keys to happiness
keep up the good work 🙂
Gail Brenner says
I’m glad you appreciated the post, Farouk.
Like you, I have also found that working through those stuck places from our past is very freeing. And in the freedom, there is so much happiness.
Sibyl - alternaview says
Gail: I really liked this post. I think that attachment to people, things, opinions, etc. is one of the toughest things to work through. However, minimizing and eliminating attachment is one of the most important things we can do and a prerequisite for really feeling happy and free. I think once we are able to strengthen our ability to detach from everything around us, we really open ourselves up to living at our best and everything that comes along with that. It is not an easy process, but I think once we realize it truly is necessary and then seek ways to go about becoming more detached, we can see our progress day by day and the positive impact it has on our life.
.-= Sibyl – alternaview´s last blog ..How to Maintain the Best Frame of Mind Everyday – All Day =-.
Gail Brenner says
I couldn’t agree more, Sibyl!
It is a process to realize that we are unhappy, explore our attachments, then let them go. But every step along the way is a moment of freedom. Initially, the motivation is suffering and wanting to be free of suffering. Eventually, as we realize that this kind of letting go actually makes us feel happier, we begin to welcome the stuck places as an opportunity for investigation and deeper freedom. This is a turning point in the process – when every unpleasant emotion and edge is received as a friend who has arrived to teach us something important.
Following Your Joy says
Hi Gail,
I love when messages show up more than once in a short period of time. Just yesterday I worked with a coaching client to help her: 1) Identify her “attachment” to a particular situation, and 2) Explore ways to loosen the grip , take a breath, and relax. It was so cool to talk about how when you can release the tight “hold” on things, you open your arms up…allowing more of life’s goodness to filter in.
I always learn from my sessions with clients, and your message here is just another affirmation of the power of finding freedom, when we can release ourselves from attachment.
This also reminds me of what Stephen Covey teaches with regards to the Abundance Mentality vs. the Scarcity Mentality, and how it’s important to trust in Abundance.
Good stuff! Thank you for the lovely post.
Warmly,
Michelle S.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome, Michelle! and thanks so much for your comment.
Identifying the attachment is the first important key. Sometimes we don’t even realize how tight the hold is – the clues are stress, irritation, unhappiness. When we let ourselves feel the effects of holding on, then loosening the grip becomes very desirable.
Trusting in abundance is wonderful – and even more amazing is the actual seeing and understanding how generous life actually is. We don’t need to try to be abundant. When we look with precision, we realize that the abundance we seek is already here.
Glad to meet you. Sounds like good work you are doing!
Deb says
Gail
I have discovered I am attached to an opinion that is not doing me any good. I was feeling bad about always having this opinion, this feeling, when I reread your posts on attachment. I am attached to that feeling – I have this deep belief that I always get passed over, that no one is watching out for me. I work hard but someone else gets the big raise even tho they don’t do half the work I do! Why don’t I get that raise, that promotion, that recognition, the attention, etc etc? When I think this, I feel bad – bad because I didn’t get the raise, etc and bad because I am feeling that way, again. I am attached to that opinion.
When I think about detaching from that feeling/opinion I feel fear – If I detach, am I just letting people run all over me? Who will worry about me? But now I see, no I am not letting anyone run all over me – I can act, I can stick up for myself when appropriate, but I do not need that anger/fear/worry. No one needs to worry about me. Each moment will take care of itself, I am enough, I am ok. I can detach from that feeling without any negative consequences.
Thank you so much for your posts and this site where I can put my thoughts on “paper,” and for your responses. I have been on quite a journey for the past year and your site is one of my “oases.”
Deb
Gail Brenner says
I am so happy to be an oasis for you, Deb. I am giving you a big cyber hug right now!
Your process is so clear and heartfelt. You can detach from that feeling without any negative consequences. May I add one more thing? That deep belief that no one is watching out for you probably comes from some experiences in your childhood (an educated guess). When it comes up, you can unwind it to find your way out of the pain, like you describe here, and/or you can flood it with love – because that is what it thinks it is lacking. Then try receiving the ones who got the raise or promotion in love, and the ones who gave it to them, and the ones from your own life who may have contributed to this belief getting set up in you in the first place.
Just have one big love fest, and see where the angst is then.
Much love to you, my friend,
Gail
Deb says
thanks!
Juliana says
Gail,
Thank you for writing about the subject of attachment.
It appears that when we’re attached to anything – people, possessions, places, we’re only setting ourselves up for disappointment and suffering.
In my case, I’ve given up on attachment to material possessions and places.
However, I still have problems with attachment to certain people.
Can you please help me deal with a problem in particular – jealousy.
I’m wonderful with friendships, but jealousy is still a sticky problem in romantic love.
Please advise.
Thanks.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Juliana! So glad that you visited here.
I will try to be helpful in a couple of sentences. First, I am celebrating with you about giving up your attachments to material possessions and places – and to people in friendships. Good for you!
In investigating an attachment, we look at a need, desire, or expectation. Eventually, you can see the story that you are weaving that is leading to the jealousy – he shouldn’t (you fill in the blank) – and you move your attention away from the story and directly into the feeling of jealousy. There will be physical sensations, potentially quite strong, and thoughts swirling. Welcome all of this in the most loving space in you. The part of you that is jealous is somehow not feeling loved. It is probably a part that feels quite young. So open your own loving heart to this one who feels wounded or needy. This is the path to releasing these strong feelings.
You may want to check out these posts: here and here.
Please let me know how it goes, Juliana. Love to you…
Linda says
I can sympathize and empathize with Juliana. I have the same problem. My experience has been that the jealousy was founded on a real “threat” to the relationship, he cheated and lied about it, then the truth came out. In one case, I was publicly humiliated and lost a friend as well.
So how do you deal with this in a romantic relationship? Just take it on the chin and move on to the next one? Both times I was rocked to the core and this time, I am avoiding all possibilities of another relationship. I can’t take it again.
To look at it from your side, however, I didn’t lose anything important to me and nothing really changed about my life except for the better. Obviously the lover and the friend were not true. But, again, how do have a romantic relationship without some level of attachment to the other and no expectations? And if they cheat or do whatever they want are you to just let it go serenely?
Gail Brenner says
Big questions you are asking, Linda, and I applaud you for asking them.
First, I want to support your clarity that you realize your life changed for the better as a result of the circumstances you describe.
I would never suggest “taking on the chin” some behavior that doesn’t feel right to you. If someone is treating you in a way that you don’t want or like, you have the right to say no, try to come to some understanding together, and take the steps to exit the relationship, if this is appropriate.
In a romantic relationship, it is natural to develop some level of attachment and expectations, as you mentioned. But my advice would be to be wise about who you are forming these attachments and expectations with. Someone starting a relationship needs to be savvy and honest with themselves, regularly asking – is this what I want? and trusting their instincts about how it feels. Some of us tend to push away those little niggling doubts, but these can often help us in navigating the relationship terrain to find the right partner. Ignoring them can get us into trouble.
Keep your happiness foremost in your mind, and take good care of yourself. This is one of the wisest things you can do.
Sending love to you…
Tejaswini says
This is so very true..but the problem is with the people who are going through it..like me.i understand everything but it gets very hard for me to imply ..I feel hurt almost each time I make new friends or whenever I start being close to people..I start getting attached to them and my expectations increase…I wanna free myself from this attachment coz it really hurts..what hurts me the most is that when I treat people with all the love and care why do they not reciprocate it…please help 🙁
Gail Brenner says
I think you need to look to the source of the attachment, Tejaswini. Why do you get attached to quickly and develop expectations? I suspect there is a feeling inside that you’re not aware of or a scared and lonely young part of you that desperately needs connection. Once you learn about your own inner experience, you can care for it – like a mother loves her child. Most of us have those hurt places inside, and when we bring loving care to them, we’re more free in our relationships with others.
If you treat people with love and care so they will reciprocate, then you are setting yourself up to be disappointed. As you know, this is attachment. Make wise decisions about who you connect with and try to connect out of joy and celebration – not out of need. Love generously and freely with no expectation of anything in return. Because when you love others, you love yourself as well. And you’re offering the experience of love from the inside out.