“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.”
~African proverb
In the last post, we saw that when we tell the truth about our challenging relationships, the only solution is to look within. Where previously we might have blamed or criticized another, we discovered that the true source of the problem is our own unexamined thoughts and feelings. When we are willing to explore these unresolved places in ourselves, we stop projecting them onto others. We stop wanting others to change so we feel better. We accept the fundamental reality of people and situations and respond accordingly.
This approach potentially shifts the whole dynamic of a relationship. Friction fades to freedom; resistance to wise responding.
The Tragic Effect of Not Embracing Feelings
However, the desire to look within is extremely rare. Very few people are interested in inner reflection, in taking responsibility for their contribution to their own unhappiness. Projection runs rampant in everyday life, with the vast majority of beings on the planet wanting others to change so they can avoid feeling their own pain. It is at the root of wars between nations as well as conflicts in our communities and struggles in our homes.
Most people in the world do not want to be honest with themselves. And we have probably encountered some of them in our own lives.
What happens when we are the object of other people’s unexamined pain? Say you were raised by parents who could not meet their own sadness or fear. Maybe you had a teacher or sibling or neighbor who was ruled by a need to avoid their own distressing feelings.
Even though unintentional, you might have been the object of someone’s:
- Blaming
- Judging
- Criticizing
- Abandoning
- Demanding
- Ignoring
- Manipulating
- Intruding
How did that affect you? Because of how others treated you, you may have concluded that you are unworthy, lacking, needing to prove yourself or please others to deserve love. You may believe that success and fulfillment are for other people, not you. You may speak to yourself with a very harsh voice.
As Always, the Way Out
Well, here is the good news: it is so important to realize that how you were treated had very little to do with you. The person who could not give you what you needed was unable to tend to their own painful emotions. What happens when people hide from their inner strife? They engage in all manner of avoidance strategies, some of which have an impact on those closest to them.
Significant people in your life may not have really wanted you to suffer by this treatment, and you didn’t really want to let it define you. Both of you were unaware of what was happening and both ill-equipped to handle it wisely.
Divest Yourself of Limiting Beliefs
The beliefs you hold about yourself? They seem true, but they are erroneous conclusions based on others’ misguided behavior. When to unwind them? How about now.
- Bring to mind a belief or mindset that holds you back in life.
- Reflect on how that belief developed. How were you treated that led you to conclude that you are damaged, incapable, or less than whole?
- Now, enter the world of the person you were in relationship with. What do you imagine he or she was actually feeling – scared, overwhelmed, incompetent, angry, filled with unexpressed sorrow? Can you see that this person was unable, or unwilling, to embrace these uncomfortable feelings?
- Reflect on the fact that the pressure of these feelings fueled their less-than-supportive behavior toward you, leading you to make distorted – and untrue – assumptions about yourself.
As part of my training to be a therapist, I had a session in family sculpting. I chose fellow interns in our group to play the roles of people in my family, and I gave them a scene to enact. Now, my mother can be a formidable character. But through this play, I became privy to unexplored frustration, sadness, and fear I never imagined she could have been feeling. I felt so relieved not to have to carry the effects of it any longer.
The legacy of unconsciousness continues in families – until it stops. Like tumbling dominoes, one person denies their pain, which impacts those around them, and so on through the generations. You may have absorbed this tragic bequest, but you also hold the key to unlock yourself from the prison of these beliefs.
Living Consciously = Clarity, Light, Ease
As we saw last week, you can lovingly welcome all parts of yourself into awareness and thereby put an end to your role in emotional and relationship drama. And, with the light of clear seeing, you can shed unproductive and demeaning identities that have nothing to do with your brilliant essence. Regarding all of the insanity, the buck stops with you.
What happens next? Enjoy your life. If gratitude wells up, let it consume you. Live from your heart, and be the light of truth and clarity in this crazy world we live in.
What have been your insights about limiting beliefs you hold about yourself? What do you experience when you look objectively at what really happened in your past? Any other thoughts? I’d love to hear….
image credit: inju
Steven Aitchison says
Hi Gail
What a great message you have shared here, not to blame yourself for the way others reacted toward you.
I think limiting beliefs is the cancer of success and learning the skill of getting past them is well worth the effort.
.-= Steven Aitchison´s last blog ..Is The Lefkoe Belief Process a Fraud =-.
Gail Brenner says
I completely agree, Steven. Limiting beliefs keep us from success and fulfillment in all areas of our lives. When we really dissect how they develop, they don’t even make sense!
The work you do is a wonderful offering that so beautifully inspires people to be successful.
rob white says
Hi Gail,
Very thoughtful blog here. It is an amazing revelation to know that we can change any beliefs. This one fact is truly liberating. One of my biggest breakthroughs came when I realized that my parents were doing the best they could with their limited resources. It made space for peace and clarity in our relationship. When I could see where my own beliefs came from it empowered me to know I can change them.
.-= rob white´s last blog ..Your ‘Recovery Act Program’ =-.
Gail Brenner says
This is great, Rob! There was a quote I almost used in the post which was about forgiving our parents and ourselves. When we take the perspective of our parents, we see so much more than how they treated us. We get to see their inner workings, which can be very illuminating. No matter how parents treated us, and for some of us it was not supportive, they were doing the best they could do at that time. I’m so glad for you and them that this understanding brought you peace and clarity.
And when we see where our own limiting identities actually come from, we realize that we can let them go. We don’t have to believe negative things about ourselves. It’s so amazing to know that we can truly be happy.
Dorlee says
Dear Gail,
Thanks for this very thoughtful post.
I hear what you are saying and I agree with what you are saying; however, I’m not totally sure how to put it into action, so to speak.
For example, one area that I “inherited” was a feeling of not being good enough due to the excessive criticism that I received. I recognize that I am hardly the first generation to have received this message. However, knowing this hasn’t completely healed me nor the work that I have done in this area with a therapist.
I find this a life long journey that I seem to have to work on. At times, I feel better and “good enough.” At other times, the old messages come back to haunt me…
Best,
D.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Dorlee! And I am so grateful for this honest and heartfelt comment.
If I may suggest…the way to put this understanding into action is to make a commitment to not buy into the beliefs about not being good enough that arise in your mind. The insight about how these beliefs develop gives you the permission to let them go. They were adopted as an identity, but they are not true about you.
The unlearning comes by refusing to give them attention every time they arise. This can be a process, and I don’t want to trivialize how difficult it can be. Although sometimes shifts can happen in a split second also.
What we give our attention to is what will grow in us. So when the old messages are haunting you, simply observe them from the place of being a witness. Don’t hang onto them by thinking about them. These are just thoughts that have come to visit you. Allow them to come and go without holding onto them and know that they are not an ultimate truth about you. They were learned, or implanted, so to speak. If this fire for freedom burns brightly, your efforts will bear fruit.
I’d be happy to hear how it goes.
Sending love to you….
Wilma Ham says
Hi Gail. Oh how our mind plays tricks on us.
Understanding limiting beliefs and where they came from is very revealing.
My sister is 6 years older in age and always made me feel inferior, not hard with that age gap. She for example still thinks I cannot cook while I have been living for 27 years on the other side of the world. When she came to visit me, her daughter was with her. I told my niece that as soon as her mother, my sister, would sit down at the table she will make a comment about my cooking and how I am struggling with it. And of course she did even when I am a very accomplished cook. She nearly got me with her comment, all the inferior feelings flooded to the surface until I caught them and saw them for what they are. Very interesting to understand this as these inferior feelings have no longer a hold and I had a great time with my sister. It is lovely to reflect on things like this and being able to learn from them because of having an explanation.
Thank you, xox Wilma
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Let other women take care of your self-care. =-.
Gail Brenner says
This is such a great story, Wilma! You saw the old belief pattern start to come, and you didn’t bite.
That you were able to have a great time with your sister says to me that you bear no grudge or resentment. How wonderful to be free of these old, stale patterns!
We don’t necessarily need to understand where the beliefs come from to let them go, but it is an important piece of the puzzle that can help people to release them. It is especially useful to know that the beliefs developed from someone else’s unconsciousness. The beliefs have very little, if anything, to do with us at all!
I feel such a lightness in my heart when I read this story. Thanks so much!
Armen Shirvanian says
Hi Gail.
Your message about ending generational cycles is something we need to know is possible. Quotes such as “like father, like son” basically serve as a repeater of the concept that little change is possible from parents to their children. This is only true when the children are not aware of influences and limitations placed on them. These can be countered and negated.
That point about how we were treated having little to do with us does make sense. It is just like the same thing as if I am frustrated about failing in some fashion and then play more aggressively in basketball, and the opponent wonders if he did something to warrant the aggressive play. We have to remember that people generally act their emotions outward similarly towards whoever they encounter at the time.
.-= Armen Shirvanian´s last blog ..Give Others A Chance =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Armen,
There is so much clarity here. Yes, generational cycles continue with unconsciousness and end with awareness. When children realize the influences and limitations, they can then choose not to take them on. I think one of the obstacles is that people don’t know that this is possible. Wouldn’t it be great to have a curriculum in elementary school that encourages kids to be aware of themselves and the family habits they act out? Might not be too popular with parents, though! But it would lead to a more compassionate world with people who are kinder toward themselves and others.
When someone is acting similarly to everyone, they probably are coming from some unexplored pattern. The more we all know about how these dynamics work, the better for everyone. If we know that we are the object of someone’s projections, we can choose not to take them on.
These are both really important points – thanks for the contribution!
Take good care of yourself…Gail
Carla Wilson says
Bonjour Gail,
I love your website! These ideas are very important to teach children, adolescents and adults alike. Indeed, if we made an effort to teach this way of thinking all around us, everyone would benefit! We would live in a less hostile world.
Merci pour le blog! C’est vraiment bien!
Amicalement, Carla
Gail Brenner says
Bonjour Carla!
I am thrilled that you visited my blog – thank you so much!
I completely agree with you. I write about universal truths that are available to everyone, but are somehow not widely known. I was motivated to learn, but it took me decades to find the teachings that clarified everything for me. It becomes the responsibility of everyone to live true. Each of us who is no longer willing to accept “good enough” becomes a catalyst for a more widespread shift in the direction of truth and open-heartedness. It all begins with moment-to-moment awareness.
Bien a vous, Gail
Nea|Self Improvement says
This is such a touching article, Gail. I strongly remember the limiting beliefs that I held as a young adult, but more than anything I feel the joy having moved past that place. I’m still a work in progress though, creating more wonderful beliefs about myself each day.
.-= Nea|Self Improvement´s last blog ..The Secret of Giving Advice to Others Without Stepping on Their Toes =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Nea,
Thanks so much for sharing your story of shedding beliefs. That remembrance of holding limiting beliefs can continue to inspire us to let go, along with that beautiful feeling of joy in liberation from them. We are all a work in progress – every moment of untangling a moment of freedom.
I wish you well….
Sibyl - alternaview says
Gail: Such a great post. You make a great point about shedding light on the things that you need to work through. I think when you make yourself aware of the limiting and negative thoughts that are holding you back and impacting all your experiences, you really can do something about them. I thought your statement that “with the light of clear seeing, you can shed unproductive and demeaning identities” was so powerful.
Gail Brenner says
Wonderful to hear from you, Sibyl…
That’s it exactly. We can’t do anything about the habits and identities that don’t serve us unless we know what they are. And, the full seeing of them is the healing. Awareness of our moment-to-moment experience is the end of personal limits.
Wishing you a journey of light and clear seeing….
Dawn @ Marriage says
What a wonderful article, Gail! I think it’s important for a person to identify his underlying values to be able to overcome his limiting beliefs. His underlying values involve the experiences that a person hopes to achieve. This would allow a person to gain a new perspective because he is able to understand his goal. As a result, this would help a person focus on the positive aspects of his relationship.
.-= Dawn @ Marriage´s last blog ..Focus on the Little Things to Improve Marriage Intimacy in a Big Way =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Dawn,
Welcome to you! Thanks so much for visiting.
You make a great point here. The underlying value of knowing what we really want is essential to help us navigate our relationships and life in general. Change often involves dealing with fear that arises. Unless we know what we want and keep that foremost in our experience, fear can potentially derail us. Our values are fundamental to keeping us on course.
Thanks for your contribution!!