“Do as the heavens have done, forget your evil;
With them forgive yourself.”
~William Shakespeare
I gave a presentation recently to a support group for older women coping with chronic lung diseases such as emphysema. The symptoms that affect their daily lives include fatigue, shortness of breath, and wheezing. Some have pain, most need the support of oxygen at least part of the time. None of them will be cured.
I asked if they ever wonder, “Why me?” and one woman admitted that she ponders the opposite question: “How could I have done this to myself?”
As it turns out, all of these diseases are the result of smoking. These lovely women grew up before the dangers of cigarette smoke were widely known. They told me that everyone smoked. It was so common, they couldn’t imagine having made a different choice. And now they are dealing with the consequences.
Why Forgive Ourselves
This interaction got me thinking about the power of forgiving ourselves. We’ve talked before about how staying stuck in a grudge makes us a victim of our own thoughts and blocks the natural expression of the life force through us. Not forgiving ourselves has the same effect. When we are caught in self-blame, we are blatantly unaccepting of our current life situation. We live in an unhappy story that keeps us bound and limited.
When we forgive ourselves, we remove the chains from the past which allows us to live freely in the present. We decide to stop repeating rueful and blaming thoughts in our minds like a broken record. We step off the wheel of suffering and discover an unlimited reservoir of wisdom and a huge capacity to proactively respond to what is in front of us. This is the pay-off that makes letting go the most intelligent choice.
Learn the Lessons
The companions of self-blame are some very uncomfortable emotions: guilt, shame, and regret. These can fester like an irritating wound that won’t heal and keep us suffocating under a blanket of negativity. They perpetuate a state of inner war and cause us to persecute ourselves unendingly. The decision to forgive ourselves releases us from the prison of these feelings. We discover that not only can we feel good, but that freedom and inner ease are our natural state, our birthright.
When tended to wisely, these feelings may contain a valuable lesson that we miss by staying in the rut of experiencing them over and over. When we welcome them in as friendly visitors and explore them with an open heart and mind, we can authentically ask, “What can I learn?” We gain perspective that guides our behavior from this point forward. We realize compassion for everyone, us included, who has made choices that have brought pain to themselves and others.
Transform the Contents of Your Mind
When our thoughts are caught in an endless loop of self-blame, the past, long gone, is kept alive in our thoughts. This is the funny thing, and the golden opportunity, about holding onto old baggage. The events themselves are over, yet we suffer because we repeat the story of them in our minds. We cannot control what happened in the past, but we can transform how we relate to the contents of our minds right now. In any moment, we can:
- Stop,
- Open,
- Observe,
- Investigate,
- Explore,
- Befriend,
- Love, or
- Move our attention elsewhere.
We can let the waves of our thoughts release back into the ocean.
Choosing Life
When we stop blaming ourselves for events of the past, miracles happen. Edges dissolve in our minds and hearts, leaving the space for wise responding, effective coping, and creative problem-solving. We are available to life, fully capable of receiving love and joyfully giving it away in all directions.
Having a chronic lung disease is a proving ground for sure. It is easy to sink into isolation, despair, and self-blame. Yet the women I met were true inspirations. Each day they choose to take the high road, to live in the “Yes!” and not the “No.” They expressed their fears and spoke about their trying moments, but their commitment to live their fullest lives was undeniable.
All of us face challenges. We contend with ways in which we are not completely at peace. We blame ourselves to no good end. And it brings me to my knees to realize that in every moment we have a choice – to suffer or to be free of suffering, to be weighed down by the past or to be fully alive now, to blame ourselves or open our hearts endlessly.
What do you choose?
Sibyl - alternaview says
“We cannot control what happened in the past, but we can transform how we relate to the contents of our minds right now” …Wow, that is a really powerful statement Gail. I was really struck by your words and they are so true. We really can transform how we perceive what has happened to the past and whether or not we stay stuck with certain thoughts that continually work against us. Thanks for always sharing such beautiful insights. Great post.
.-= Sibyl – alternaview´s last blog ..How to Really Experience the Current Moment =-.
Gail Brenner says
Thank you so much, Sibyl. We don’t have much control in life over circumstance or what other people do. But the one thing we can control is how we relate to our own experience. This is the essential understanding that is the beginning of enduring freedom. We stop looking elsewhere and focus our attention on what arises in ourselves. It is the only solution to our perceived problems.
This understanding was a big turning point for me. My mind would still come up with blaming thoughts or want to avoid emotions, but I didn’t let it control me. Rather, I stayed in touch with what I really wanted – which was true freedom, and not being controlled by unexamined thoughts or unconscious feelings. And it is how I live now.
I can hear that you are integrating this understanding in your own life, which means you are on the path to being able to transform those thoughts that work against you. Thank you for sharing this. May your journey be a fruitful one…
rob white says
Hi Gail,
This is a very powerful article and such an important lesson. Forgiveness is so important for matters large and small. Whenever we can learn to feel absolutely sufficient as we are right now, in spite of past errors, we find ourselves rising to higher levels of consciousness.
The example you cite are very real and severe circumstances, fortunately we don’t need to go that far down to begin practicing forgiveness today. I believe it is wise to practice forgiveness in little ways throughout the day. The other day I found myself condemning my “annoying” neighbor (lawn mower at 7am on a saturday), I was able to catch myself and reframe my opinion… it was wonderfully freeing.
Gail Brenner says
You make a very important point here, Rob, about matters large and small. Byron Katie speaks about “living amends,” in which we live in the forgiveness, of ourselves and others, in an ongoing way. Someone might say the situation with your neighbor was small, but the fact that you were able to notice your judgment and let it go is huge. Just imagine if all of us were able to do that even a few times a week. The world would be a different place.
We are all manifestations of the whole. When energy is freed up anywhere, everything and everyone benefits. This understanding puts a new light on the desire to find our passion in life. There is no better way to fulfill our potential and to be of benefit to others than to free ourselves from our mind-created identities. Off topic, I know, but hey, you never know what’s going to come out.
occasionallyserene says
Hi Gail,
Your article reminds me one of my favorite quotes, “wherever you go, there you are.” I bring myself everywhere, when I can’t forgive myself, that is who I bring to wherever I am. When I can forgive myself, I can forgive others, and then that is who I bring to wherever I am. Thank you! This reminds me of who I want to bring to wherever I am.
Sorry my comment has me feeling a little Abbot and Costello – who’s on first?
Thanks again!
.-= occasionallyserene´s last blog ..What could you do…If you could metabolize fear into courage? =-.
Gail Brenner says
I love this comment, OS, especially because it made me laugh!
You suggest a beautiful question for reflection: Who do I want to bring to wherever I am? Do we really want to carry around the self-blaming, shamed version of ourselves when freedom from it is possible? Any knot has the capacity to be untangled, including self-torture. Isn’t it time??
Marko -- Calm Growth says
Hi Gail…
A great story in the introduction.
I hope that everyone realizes that forgiving yourself is extremely important. It is essential for quality of life and growth.
I mean, when was the last time you (I mean anyone) blamed yourself? For a big fault. And let me ask you something. What was the outcome? Was it good, did you live your present moment with happiness, pleasure and well-being? Or have you suffered? There is no need for a sense of guilt in order to correct things. You will only torture yourself over something that’s over.
Regret for the past is unnecessary.
I have not been for some time on your blog Gail. See that things are going well and I am glad for that. 🙂
.-= Marko — Calm Growth´s last blog ..What Everybody Ought to Know About Self-Confidence — Part 2 =-.
Gail Brenner says
Great to hear from you, Marko! Glad you took the time to visit.
Wise words you have spoken here. I also advocate a process of inquiry in which we ask ourselves questions like the ones you pose: When we believe our self-blaming thoughts, what is the outcome? Does it make us happy? These are simple questions, but the process of asking them and contemplating the answers is profound.
Regret for the past is unnecessary. However, if we find that we are regretting the past, it can be a gateway into peace if we investigate it. We can always take whatever is happening in any moment and find our way to peace.
I just subscribed to your blog – look forward to reading your thought-provoking posts.
Simon Hay says
Hi Gail. Forgiveness is a recurring emotion/discipline in my healing work. Not being able to find peace is a greater ailment than illness or injury. I’ve being blessed to have the opportunity to work with terminally ill people and the healing has allowed them to die peacefully. Beautiful introduction to this story. Bless you, Simon.
.-= Simon Hay´s last blog ..Mother Teresa’s Kung Fu is Strong! =-.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Simon! Thank you so much for your beautiful comment.
You are blessed to be working with people at the end of life. It is an auspicious time because people often open when they are faced with the urgency to clean up their lives so they can die in peace.
I appreciate your saying that not finding peace is a greater ailment than illness or injury. There is a great pain that is experienced when we feel separate – and a sense of discovering the true home when we find peace.
The people you do your healing work with are very fortunate. You sound like just the right person for the job!
Sending love…
Gail
Marie says
Hi, Gail –
Sometimes we don’t even know what we are blaming ourselves for . . . sometimes we need help sorting all that out . . . I’m finding that getting help with the sorting it all out has been key for me. Once I can put the shame into words, it is much easier to let it go and forgive myself.
– Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
.-= Marie´s last blog ..Session trois – Part 2 of 4 =-.
Gail Brenner says
What you speak about here is very useful, Marie, and I appreciate your saying it.
Ultimately, we hold our places of entanglement in our bodies, and they can appear simply as a sense that something is off. The effects can show up as addictions, drama, not being able to move forward in life, and other unpleasant experiences. It can be very helpful to name what is happening, trace it to its source, put it into words, know what we are actually dealing with. I am so glad for you that you have gotten the support that you need.
I wish you well…
Joshua Noerr says
You know Gail, not forgiving yourself is the same as living constantly in the past. You may end up missing out on a great opportunity, or starting a fantastic new friendship because you are not aware of your here and now.
Forgiving yourself means you can get your head out of the past and focus on your present, which in turn, offers amazing opportunities in the future.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Joshua,
A warm welcome to you… Thanks for visiting the site!
Your words sing the song of truth and freedom. Holding onto a grudge, or continuing to blame ourselves, is all about being caught in a story of something that happened in the past. It is kept alive in our minds only. Forgiving frees up our attention to be available to the gifts that this moment may have in store for us.
I am so happy for your understanding, as it benefits you and everyone who has the opportunity to interact with you – including all of us reading this!! Thank you…
Tara Mohr says
I’ve been thinking and writing a lot about forgiveness and compassion lately, and love your wise words on this topic.
I really believe that compassion is the expression of wisdom – because in truth, we are all always doing the best we can, and because a compassionate approach is what actually creates movement.
For me, when I let go of the shoulds and the story about how I am supposed to be, and instead just be open to what is, I can see the causes and factors that contributed to the behavior I’m not proud of. It becomes not about me, or right or wrong, but about what causes what in me, and in my life. In that sense, it becomes neutral, more objective. From there I can see clearly I was doing my best with what I had, learn the lesson, adjust and move on.
Thanks, as always Gail, for your wise words and your comforting voice.
Tara
.-= Tara Mohr´s last blog ..Full Capacity For Love =-.
Gail Brenner says
Tara,
Thank you for so much openness and authenticity in your comment. I love to hear the reality of people’s experience when they are truly willing to dig deep. It is an inspiration – and teaching – for all of us.
Letting go of the story is essential to seeing what is actually going on that is causing our problems. If we are involved in the story, our attention is in our minds and we just think the same old thing over and over, convincing ourselves that it is true. There is no movement here – only recycling the old.
When we let go of the story and take an honest look at the antecedents, beliefs, and feelings that are sustaining the story, we see clearly that we were doing our best. From that place of wisdom, we also recognize where we have gone astray so we can make a different choice.
There is no need for judgment or harsh treatment of ourselves in this process. In fact, compassion is exactly what is called for and brings ease as we look at the challenging aspects of our inner experience. Finding that place of neutrality can be very healing, as it sounds like you have discovered.
Much love to you, Tara…
Wilma Ham says
Yes forgiving oneself is the start to becoming non judgmental full stop. It is also encouraging to know we have a choice in every moment, regardless of the past; that feels like freedom to me. Especially if the consequences are still so visible, like ill health it must be a great relief to NOT stay stuck in the past or in self blame but move on.
That helped me after my divorce, to move on regardless of the guilt I felt then. Forgiving oneself is such an act of love, isn’t it?
xox Wilma
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Wilma on Our ego cannot exist in ‘Heaven on Earth’ =-.
Gail Brenner says
Forgiving oneself is an act of love, Wilma, for ourselves and everyone else. When we forgive ourselves, we let go of being judgmental toward ourselves. We are no longer drowning in guilt and shame – we are available to what is happening now.
Life presents us all kinds of opportunities for self-forgiveness – doesn’t it? A divorce, a regrettable way we treated someone close to us, decisions that didn’t serve us – all chances to relax, allow, and step out of the self-defeating story. I love hearing how you were able to make the sane choice to move on following your divorce. So freeing.
Thanks so much for your beautiful comment.
Love to you…
Lance says
Hi Gail,
I choose to open my heart fully.
It’s so easy for me to write that, here today. Am I living that, though…honestly? I think about past events that have happened…and how I DO continue to blame myself. The truth is….what happened cannot be undone. And blaming ourselves isn’t going to change any of that.
So…I love what you’ve shared here today. It’s landing right on my heart. Am I ready to fully live this way? Sometimes I do…and sometimes I don’t, too. Reading here, though, this all takes on more meaning today.
Gail, thank you for this – for sharing these wonderful thoughts…and for opening my heart in the process…
.-= Lance´s last blog ..Sunday Thought For The Day =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Lance,
Welcome to you! So glad you stopped by and shared so beautifully about your process!
I love that you started by declaring that you choose to open your heart fully. That is such a wonderful starting place – at true intention to be available to life. Setting that intention then serves as a backdrop for our lives where we become aware of when we live according to the intention and when we don’t.
We all have ways in which we “fall asleep” and lapse into unconscious thoughts and behaviors. Realizing these presents a wonderful opportunity to explore inwardly to see how we are still getting caught, how we bring suffering to our lives. And when we do, we can free ourselves and our hearts open naturally.
Wishing you a fruitful journey…
Linda Wolf (Insanely Serene) says
Gail,
Lovely post as always, so well thought out and written. Thank you. What comes to mind is “Acceptance.” The only way I could accept myself – my past mistakes, my regrests, and let go of resentment and self-reciminations, was to recognize that I had no control over any of it. The past is beyond my control. I cannot change it. If I can’t change it, but I want peace, I must learn to accept the past, who I was, and what I did. That doesn’t mean I resign myself, or condone bad behavior. It just means I accept that “it was what it was.” And if I can accept that, I can move forward to look at what I do have control over – what I can do differently now in the present, what I can make amends for in my past. I have to let go of my past before I can be present in my present and look forward to my future.
Thanks for your wonderful reflections.
Best,
Linda
Gail Brenner says
This is a beautiful comment, Linda.
Yes, acceptance. Accepting that what was was is the end of the story and drama. We can assume that we do our best at any given time. Sometimes we have regrets later, but at the time we couldn’t have done better or we would have. It sounds like you are being very compassionate with yourself, realizing what you can’t control and being grateful for the lessons.
The past is over. What you can control is how you relate to your thoughts now. I’m sure you have realized that if you feed the self-blaming thoughts with your attention, you only get more self-blaming. And it doesn’t feel good.
When we leave the past where it belongs, our light in the present can burn even brighter.
Light up the world, Linda…
LettingGo says
I really appreciate your words – though I still have trouble applying them to my life. Only months in to my marriage my husband moved to another state for a job. We had always had communication issues; instead of talking about the things that were upsetting we would have a blow up and then not talk for days. Often I felt like I had to nag him to do his part of our daily life chores, etc. So, after several months of living apart I did something I never thought I was capable of – I had an affair. I told my husband right away, but the excitement and all those other short term feelings that go along with an affair that felt like it was giving me all those things I was lacking in my marriage, including the physical attraction and passion that had seemed to dissapear as we withdrew from each other. I was offered forgiveness and the opportunity to work on the marriage, but we were still living apart and it was too easy to continue the other relationship; particularly after my husband and I gave each other permission to ‘explore other people’. After a couple months I realized how unhealthy the affair was, and how much a rash decision to take myself off a medication I had been using to treat bi-polar spectrum disorder had played in my choices. I told my husband I wanted to work on our marriage, and he told me it was too late. He liked his freedom, there were aspects of our relationship that had been making him unhappy for years, that he had moved on when I resisted working on our marriage. As I grieve all the reasons I loved and married my husband come flooding back and I find myself in consuming loops of reliving the past, wishing I could do things differently; could have recognized how selfish I was. I completely understand how ridiculous it was to think I could treat someone who loved me so much as I did, and I also know I have no choice but to forgive myself – and this will be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I am afraid I will be stuck in this loop of self punishing thoughts, preventing myself from moving on and finding peace and possibly love again. Reading your words helps immensely, and I read them every day to remind myself that even if there were underlying reasons for my decisions or if I made the biggest mistake ever, I have to let go, be in the present, learn from my mistakes, and forgive myself for the pain I caused my husband and myself. Thank you for your insights; it’s great to have resources like this available on-line.
Gail Brenner says
Dear LettingGo,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My heart just overflows when I hear that you find so much support here. This whole community is here for you.
Isn’t it the truth that all of us can identify with some aspects of your story? I know I do, and I totally empathize.
You are on a journey now, and who knows where it will take you. Yes, you are being asked to forgive yourself, but what comes to me so strongly is to be so compassionate with yourself and take your time. There is a lot of unwinding to be done here and so many pieces to the puzzle. It sounds like there were problems in the beginning of your marriage if you and your husband made the choice to live separately.
Whatever you learn as you process through what happened will stay with you forever. Sometimes life throws us a curve, and really, all we can do is say, “OK, I receive.” But even that has to happen in its own time. I recently went through a few weeks of resisting some painful feelings. I wasn’t taking my own advice at all! And I was miserable, until I started relaxing into what was actually happening. But even that time of resisting was useful.
If I could give you any advice it would be this: take good care of yourself and get support. Be gentle with yourself, be around people who love and understand you, get professional help – it really makes a difference.
And I offer you my unwavering support. You are welcome here, just as you are.
Sending love to you….
Gail
LettingGo says
Thanks Gail, this is very helpful. The reason I had to stay behind while my husband moved was the need to sell a house…a legitimate reason, but I felt abandoned when I was left to handle all that entails. So, yes, it was a problem that we didn’t see what living apart in such a stressful time could do, but I don’t know if it was the result of pre-existing problems. But, then again, everything looks different in the rearview mirror if you allow it to.
Gail Brenner says
There are so many factors at play, LG – the story is endless. See where you feel stress in your body. See where you resist. These are the doorways to peace.
Findingmyforgiveness says
Recently, New Years, I did something I was not proud of. A drunken mistake by a pure and innocent girl. I went through that guilt, shame, and regret. How could I disobey such a moral that I always put on my highest regard?? My morals are who I am and I broke that. I felt, who am I anymore?! I haven’t been able to live with myself for what I did and have been keeping distracted as to avoid that self dread..
Then last night happened. 2 am, by myself in unfathomable guilt and shame. I’ve never been a religious person, but I needed something outside of me to help. So I thought out to the universe to help me find forgiveness in myself, in return change my life back to the more positive one it once was. Then a thought came to me and I had found my own forgiveness.
Finding forgiveness is so relieving. I can’t stop tearing up out of gratitude that I’ve finally found my old soul again, and that the universe, what ever it may be, helped me through so incredibly when I was so low.
Running across this article, it was too perfect. It is so true and will always keep it in mind. Thank you, Gail, for sharing this. Now I will share it with friends.
Gail Brenner says
Hello, FMF, and a warm welcome to you.
Your story is a testimony to what is possible. We just start where we are, wherever that may be, and take the next wise, thoughtful step forward. It’s that simple.
A teacher of mine told me that everything serves. Yes, you betrayed yourself, but clearly you have used that well – for your own freedom and awakening. So the New Years incident serves. And now you have helped not only yourself, but everyone else who reads this.
In love and gratitude…
Driving Myself Crazy says
I have had a very difficult time forgiving myself for deciding to do what I did with my education. I’m going to be graduating in May, and yet I keep getting reminded of regret after regret.
Let’s go back to that fateful day sometime in early 2009, when I received acceptance letters to both College A and College B, among others. College A was not very well rated, and frankly, had an ugly campus. I honestly couldn’t imagine myself there, but at least it would lead me to an accelerated program with a degree at the end guaranteed to get me a secure, high-paying job.
College B, where I am now, was a “top-rated” liberal arts school. My initial impressions there were great. But I soon realized that it was the marketing department, not the school itself, that had lured me. The fellow students were there for the wrong reasons, and I found what initially appeared to be a beautiful campus really bleak and depressing once the seasons changed. (I believe I have seasonal affective disorder, and yes, I am in therapy.)
Anyway, for all I know, the experience at College A could have been an order of magnitude worse. So why do I keep beating myself up? Because this fancy-schmancy, overpriced education I paid for at College B got me a crummy bachelor’s degree. I’ll now be enjoying the dread of an over-saturated job market with my cohort. At least at College A, I would have received something back for my suffering.
It could have been worse, but idealized “what could have been” scenarios continue to haunt me. Add to that the astronomical cost of College B.
I feel I was clearly wrong, and don’t know what I gained from the suffering. Yes, I learned some things – it really wasn’t that bad of an experience – but I don’t believe there’s anything I had to waste this kind of money on.
How can I finally forgive myself? What do I do after graduation (or even now) to stop feeling so ALIENATED from myself?
Is there any way I can convince myself this really WAS worth it in some unique way that couldn’t have been anywhere else?
Thanks!
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for your comment. I’m sure you’re not alone in not being able to forgive yourself.
You forgive yourself for one reason only – and that is for freedom and happiness. Repeating this story in your mind over and over about what should or shouldn’t have happened brings so much suffering, as you know well. And this repetition is keeping you stuck. I wouldn’t recommend trying to convince yourself of anything. I’m sure that if you we’re able to you, would have succeeded already.
Instead, recognize that in the moment, you are giving your attention to and believing thoughts that make you struggle. That is your direct experience. And know that you have the option to not give these thoughts your attention. In fact, if you don’t grab them, you will have the space to check in with yourself and see what your next most intelligent, kindest step might be.
Follow happiness always, in every moment, and your life path will unfold effortlessly.
Kathy Roberts says
I loved reading your post and I will share it with my people. Forgiving ourselves is crucial to moving ahead with anything we are aiming toward. Thank you for this.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for your comment, Kathy. Yes! I’m a fan of seeing through everything that blocks us. Then we are freed up for all that is possible.
Mary says
As always, your writings are beautiful Gail. I did something very uncharacteristic and wrote something totally untrue about a relative on a social media platform. It was done during a moment of mania (I am bi polar). He has forgiven me yet I cannot forgive myself. The rumination is destroying me and I am now on anti depressants. I am working with a counselor to get past this but it is difficult,