“Whatever the present moment contains, accept is as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life.”
~Eckhart Tolle
Anyone trying to let go of a habit will tell you how hard it is. No matter how pure our intentions, the drive to continue the tendency can be strong enough to derail us before we know it.
I love brilliant ideas, and I recently came across one called “urge surfing.” Alan Marlatt is a psychologist who for decades has researched treatments for addictions. His findings have helped thousands of people, and this time I think he has nailed it.
All Compulsive Behaviors Are Addictions
Dr. Marlatt’s research has focused on what we commonly think of as addictions, such as drinking and smoking. But I find it useful to view any seemingly uncontrollable tendency as an addiction. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines addiction as “a persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.”
Substitute for “substance” any habit that has us hooked, and we begin to see the power of these tendencies.
Take self-critical thinking as an example. The inner critic can be persistent and compulsive, and we know it doesn’t serve us. Likewise, procrastination, fearful, limited beliefs, holding a grudge, busyness, or being continually triggered by someone who annoys us. Any pattern or behavior that perpetuates unconsciously is ultimately hurtful. It leaves us stuck and confused – with happiness and peace out of reach.
Know Your Urges
Enter urge surfing. When we break down a habit, we see that what precedes the enacting of the habit is an urge. What do urges do? They come and go. There is a beginning, a middle, and, most importantly, an end. If we want to surf the urge, we must first learn to recognize it – challenging because it is so uncomfortable. Then, we open our minds and hearts to follow it through to its conclusion, to our ultimate liberation.
We might define an urge as an impulse or itch, but looking more deeply, we discover the direct experience of emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations. It looks like this:
- Emotion: fear, lack, desperation, emptiness, hysteria
- Thoughts: I need…, I can’t stand…, I’m going to go crazy if I don’t…, I’m going to explode if I don’t…, I can’t see any other way…
- Strong physical sensations: tension, vibration, tied up in knots
Sound familiar? If not, illuminate the urge by allowing your attention to backtrack to the moment just prior to the troublesome behavior. Here you will find the treasure that can set you free.
Going Surfing
Now that we’ve caught the wave, let’s surf. Dr. Marlatt uses the acronym SOBER.
- S means stop. Don’t move. Don’t take one more step. Don’t move your attention into one more thought.
- O is for observe. First, notice your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations as they are appearing in the moment. Now, open up to receive them. Let yourself experience them fully, with no distance between you and these arisings. Have great compassion for yourself and the pain you might be feeling.
- B refers to breath. Focus on your breathing, inhaling and exhaling, as the urge moves through.
- E means expand. Dr. Marlatt suggests that we expand our awareness to consider the consequences if we act on the urge. How would you feel? How would you and others be affected?
- With R, we respond mindfully (and wisely). We have made it through with enough awareness to ask ourselves, “What do I really want?” and we can respond accordingly. By the time you reach R, you are out of the grip of the craving. You are back, here, alive, available, conscious.
Celebrate!
May I add another step? Let’s call it SOBER-C, where C means celebrate. Take a moment to feel the freedom in your body, mind, and heart. Experience the release. And know that every single time you surf the urge, no matter how many times it takes, the pattern has less of a hold on you.
Open to your inner world, invite your habits to dissolve, and you can’t help but shine brilliantly for all the world to see.
What have you found helpful in letting go of habits? What have been your challenges? I’d love to hear…
Gratitude Connection says
I agree, this is a brilliant idea. I’m not normally fond of acronyms, but this one really works. Thanks for finding, and sharing.
.-= Gratitude Connection´s last blog ..Today I’m grateful for… =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi GC,
Welcome to A Flourishing Life! I’m happy to share what people might find useful!
I wish you well…
rob white says
Hi Gail,
I love the surfing metaphor… It works wonderfully. Instead of getting tossed about by the habit we can step outside of it and take control… how empowering! Our ability to change our mind and concentrate our attention enables us to replace old hindering habits for ones that support us. It is up to us to take 100% responsibility for our habits and tendencies.
Thanks for sharing this.
.-= rob white´s last blog ..All Forms of Life are Levels of One Consciousness =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hey Rob,
I didn’t say this in the post, but going from S, through OBE, to R is a movement from unconsciousness to empowerment. It all starts with being aware of the hard part, the urge, then taking the steps to guide ourselves along to freedom. It is all about where we concentrate our attention, and when we can stay with it when it is hard, freedom from our pesky habits is absolutely possible.
Kate says
I have previously given up smoking and negative thinking (although that one seems to be a continuous process!)
I think the most challenging thing is realising you are doing something – perhaps smoking is a little easier in this regards but with negative thinking, you can have devestating things happening in your head before you even notice!
So for me developing much better self awareness was key – but I think the process above would be of huge help.
Many thanks,
Kate.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Kate,
Welcome to you! So glad you stopped by and commented.
You are right on! Self-awareness is the key. Without it we continue playing out the same old unhappy patterns. Negative thinking can be tricky for exactly the reason you describe – it is off and running before we notice. But it is also our ally. Every time we wake up from it and see what is happening is another opportunity for freedom.
I wish you well on your journey…
Armen Shirvanian says
Hi Gail.
When I have used this SOBER method of Dr. Marlatt’s that you have described, I sure have gotten control over any habits taking place, because awareness basically cancels out the motivation for their occurrence. It is cool when I do it on purpose, as it has a similar effect to when it happens out of my control, like when some event occurs that “wakes me up”.
The breath one should have an impact for most because we rarely breathe well without being reminded to do so. It sounds obvious, but so does the concept of drinking enough water daily, which many still don’t do. The obvious has to be conquered before the less intuitive becomes relevant to try to achieve.
.-= Armen Shirvanian´s last blog ..Sites To Mention 6-07-2009 =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Armen,
I’m not big on methods, but what I like about SOBER is that it breaks down the process of moving from being caught in the grip of a habit to freedom from it. It unwinds the pattern through awareness of it and then experiencing it without running away or acting out.
I like your last sentence: The obvious has to be conquered before the less intuitive becomes relevant to try to achieve. It’s like peeling the layers of an onion. We investigate what is in front of us, and any other reactions are revealed in their own time. Seems to be human nature.
Deborah Wall says
Hi Gail,
I love the Eckhart Tolle you opened this post with.
Choosing my experiences and not fighting them has changed my view on the world.
Being kind to myself (my version of urge surging) has brightened it.
Gail Brenner says
So beautiful, Deborah. Not fighting your experiences has changed your view of the world, and being kind to yourself has brightened it. So simple, so available to everyone.
Thanks for sharing this – it helps everyone.
Hilary says
Hi Gail .. that’s a really good analogy .. re realising where you’re at .. I have to say I usually don’t let mind get over matter .. and manage – occasionally not – especially now when times are tricky .. but I’m back on track quite quickly.
I do like the thoughts though and your C .. for celebrate .. SOBERC .. thank you .. Hilary
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..Food, Food, Glorious Food … What could possibly go wrong …? =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Hilary,
Getting off track isn’t really a problem when we can become aware and get back on track again. What does it mean to be on track? To be living mindfully and aligned with what we really want for ourselves.
Thanks for your comment!
occasionallyserene says
Gail,
Great post all the way around. Eckart, surfing, sober what a great way to deconstruct the patterns that have emerged over a lifetime.
.-= occasionallyserene´s last blog ..What could you do if… You had the inner confidence to act decisively? =-.
Gail Brenner says
So glad the post resonates!
Sibyl - alternaview says
Gail: Interesting topic and great post. I had never really heard of this, but I can totally understand why it would be beneficial to have as a tool. I think one of the most important things we can do it so be aware of the thoughts that are running through our mind and then not allowing needless thoughts to continue by default. This approach seems particularly helpful because it points you in the direction of noticing your thoughts and then managing them appropriately. Thanks for sharing it.
.-= Sibyl – alternaview´s last blog ..How to Be Immune to Unfair Criticism =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sibyl,
All healing starts with awareness. Then add in a willing attitude – willing to see from a different perspective, willing to let go – and transcending our troubles is absolutely possible. Your phrase “not allowing needless thoughts to continue by default” is right on. When we commit to investigating all the defaults, we begin to leave in truth. This is the end of confusion and the beginning of true fulfillment.
Nea says
I don’t like the idea of having an addiction, but that’s truly the essence of what a habit is. The SOBER-C acronym is an easy reminder of how to approach those moments when you’re prone to a “set-back”. Thanks for this great article.
.-= Nea´s last blog ..Life’s Struggles: Who Would You be Without Them? =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Nea,
Even though it is “sobering,” I like to think of our habits as addictions. Just that word makes us take them more seriously and not just accept them as the status quo. We might be OK with a habit, but no one likes to think of themselves as having an addiction.
Like I said in a previous comment, I’m not a huge fan of methods and techniques, but this one is an easy reminder. Glad you found it useful.
Walter says
I wish it’s easy to let go of a bad habit, but the number one hindrance is the lack of reason to do so. What you have stated here are very effective and I’m incorporating them to break down my urges. However, there are times when I’m overpowered. Sometimes, it’s only by means of tragedy can one really break a bad habit. 🙂
.-= Walter´s last blog ..What is essential is invisible to the eye. Are you aware of them? =-.
Gail Brenner says
What you say is true, Walter. Sometimes it does take a tragedy for our willingness to be strong enough to let the habit go.
I suspect that if you are trying to let go of a habit that isn’t working for you, then you have a very good reason. It becomes a matter of tuning into that reason when you are in the middle of an urge, which is the hardest time, as the pull of a habit can be very strong. The more we remind ourselves of our desire for freedom, the more likely this reason will be alive for us when the urge appears. Ultimately, the desire to let go of the habit needs to be stronger than the desire to keep it for change to occur.
All habits, even “bad” ones, serve some sort of function for us. We get something out of perpetuating them. It helps to know what this function is and recognize that in letting go of a habit there is a loss of it. For example, drinking might keep an alcoholic from facing difficult and painful feelings. Getting the drinking under control or stopping it altogether means losing the defense and meeting the feelings that have been pushed away. Seeing this process clearly can be a support to letting go of the habit.
And through all of this, tenderness toward ourselves is the healing balm.
Leisa Watkins says
The thing that helps me overcome habits the most is to pay attention to the triggers and develop a predetermined course of action based on those triggers. Then placing things that will stimulate the new course of action where or when the other habit would likely be triggered so I am automatically reminded of my new choice.
.-= Leisa Watkins´s last blog ..Are Your Dreams Guiding You To The Wrong Shore Line? =-.
Gail Brenner says
Leisa, these are great suggestions! I am certain that anyone who puts them into practice will notice a shift in their thinking and behavior. Why? Because the foundation of your approach is becoming aware. Nothing is going to change if we don’t realize what we are actually thinking, feeling, and behaving. Planning for a new course of action is essential, and very useful to think about it ahead of time. This is part of relapse prevention, which Dr. Marlatt has researched an written about extensively.
Some habits are very pesky, though, and require even more attention. Even with the best of intentions, some people still have trouble letting go of the old. This indicates there is some hidden feeling or need, yet to be discovered. The old habit is serving some function and the energy around it hasn’t been totally released. I say this because I don’t want people to feel like they have failed if these strategies and methods don’t work for them. Change is absolutely possible – but sometimes takes quite a bit of digging and rearranging of our inner world.