“The best way to prepare for life is to begin to live.“
~Elbert Hubbard
I see it all around me, and it breaks my heart. People who are confused, disgruntled, and desperate. Their lives are, in some way, misdirected and off track. They feel a deep, inner dissatisfaction, wondering, “Is this all there is?”
I was part of a beautiful conversation recently in which a lovely woman, a veterinarian, was questioning how to proceed in her life. She spoke of the hurt she experiences when, in the name of treatment, she causes pain in animals, and she admitted to the pride she feels from having the status of “doctor,” a level of education her father encouraged her to pursue. Her refrain, like a mantra, was, “I’m confused. I’m confused.”
Although we heard her words, what was apparent to everyone else in the room was her clarity. When she expressed a longing to commune playfully with lots of dogs, as a dogwalker for example, the glow emanating from her filled the room.
I came away asking myself, “Who is she answering to?”
Important Questions
Events happen in our lives, and we are making choices constantly. These occurrences come from somewhere. The word authority means the power or right to decide. It contains the root author, which derives from words meaning to write or create. Our lives are continually being created. Who (or what) is creating them? Who has the power or right to decide?
Asking these questions is essential…urgent, even. This is our life. Right now. The moments are ticking away as you read this.
Who/What Is in Charge?
If we consider who or what has authority for our lives, here are some possibilities.
Fear
When we give our power to fear, we make the choice to play it safe. What are we afraid of?
- The unknown
- Success or failure
- Other people’s reactions
- Change
Fear is an emotional response to an imagined future. When fear is the author of our lives, we turn away from possibility and live a limited and familiar storyline.
Other People’s Expectations
We frequently hear stories of people pressured out of following their childhood dreams to achieve status, image, or wealth. How many lawyers or bankers hold a secret wish to build furniture or paint? If we are answering to the expectations of family or culture, we are living in a tunnel vision that produces a one-dimensional existence, like a cardboard cutout.
Our Ideas About How our Lives Should Be
Some of us give our minds authority – minds that create pictures of what our reality is supposed to look like. We ignore the actual happenings of life while worshiping our mind-made constructed realities. When we pin ourselves in by ideas of what we should be doing, how much money we should be making, how the people around us should behave, we are asking for trouble. When we let the true, one reality express itself organically, well, that’s a different story.
Unquestioned Beliefs
I received my Ph.D. in psychology over 20 years ago, and, from time to time, I catch myself being identified with the role of “psychologist” to the exclusion of what life is actually offering me. These subtle beliefs can run deep. When we give them authority, we end up being what we think is a husband, employee, daughter, or lover. We forsake the freshness of the moment to play a role that disconnects us from our inner wise one.
Claim Life by Surrendering Your Version of It
At this point, you may be expecting me to stand on a soapbox and proclaim that we are the authors of our lives, that we are empowered to create our realities. This is certainly the view a proponent of personal development or the law of attraction would take. But that is not who I am.
Trying to create a better “you” is fraught with ongoing dissatisfaction because there is always something that can be improved in the realm of thoughts, feelings, and behavior. The only way out, the only way to be truly happy, is transformation beyond the personal “I.”
So, let’s embark on an exploration to know who is that “I” who is the author of our lives…who is that empowered one. When we look inside, we don’t find it! Really, where is that I? There are thought forms of all kinds and physical sensations. But is there really a thing called a body, a thing called “me” that has your name on it?
It might begin to feel disorienting at this point, but that’s OK, trust me. If we open up even more deeply, all we find is the vibration and energy of life. We are alive! This is real: the current of life.
So who is the author? Call it God, the divine, the life force. The label doesn’t matter. What does matter is who/what we answer to. We are not in charge. When we surrender all false authority, what remains is clarity, intelligence, and perfect guidance that whispers when to stop, go, turn left or right, when to pause.
There isn’t much we can choose in this existence, but the one choice we have is the ultimate one – what we revere. Do we pay homage to fear, our own and others’ expectations, and unquestioned beliefs, or do we bow in humility and allow reality to show us the way?
One is an uphill struggle that mutes our existence. The other effortlessly lights up the world.
Do you connect with your inner wisdom? Do you wrestle with what it tells you? I’d love to hear…
Linda Wolf (Insanely Serene) says
Gail,
Love the ideas here. It took me a long time to tune into the “real me,” the one I buried under layers of family and societal expectations. I’m still in the process of excavating her, but every day I believe in the true me a little bit more. I still struggle with fear and worrying what other people think of me, as I move toward a more non-conventional lifestyle, and the thing that helps me the most is trusting the universe – believing that there is something greater out there guiding my path, even if I can’t see where it’s going. I guess it’s faith, but I’d rather turn to it than continue trying to control everything myself, because not only do I limit my possibilities, but I make myself miserable.
Thanks for a beautiful post.
Linda
.-= Linda Wolf (Insanely Serene)´s last blog ..The Joy Continuum =-.
Gail Brenner says
Wow, Linda. I love when someone is willing to articulate their process so clearly because it helps everyone. Even the most enlightened among us have slogged through the muck of confusion and misery. Thank you so much for your honesty and courage.
When we finally see that controlling everything doesn’t really work, we are ready to contemplate a different way. And when we give up control, we have the insight that life has been going along just fine and that controlling it isn’t necessary. In fact, letting go of control takes the lid off of possibility. Life, the universe, provides exactly what we need. The current of existence can be trusted so deeply – way more than any ideas or plans our minds might come up with.
It is so clear that you see that controlling makes you miserable. A big hint about which way to go is misery – or happiness. So simple – we stop doing what is making us miserable and let happiness lead.
Big cyber hug to you…
Joshua Noerr says
I love dealing in the the origins of words, I think we can learn a lot by deconstructing the components of words we say all the time without thinking about them.
Somewhere along the line, we lost sight of the fact that simply being alive is enough. Thanks for a great post.
.-= Joshua Noerr´s last blog ..The Craziest Hour Ever or… Separating Facts From Opinions =-.
Gail Brenner says
So glad to know a fellow word lover, Joshua! We can learn a lot by deconstructing words. When I use a word, I wonder, “What am I really saying?” and doing the research can be very illuminating.
“Somewhere along the line, we lost sight of the fact that simply being alive is enough.” Beautifully said and so true.
John Rocheleau says
Nothing to add here. You expressed that so simply and clearly. I’ll just add my YES to this 🙂
Best,
John
.-= John Rocheleau´s last blog ..What I Know For Sure About Life =-.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome, John! Thank you so much for visiting and for your kind words. YES says it all!!
Love, Gail
The Exception says
The question “Who is she answering to?” really struck me. I am, at the moment, attempting to find my professional direction. It isn’t that I don’t have ideas or dreams or desires as to what I want to do or that I am not open to opportunities – it is that I feel like I really don’t know what direction is the one to take. Am I answering to someone? If I didn’t have a daughter… or the desire to be involved with her life and to be the involved single mother that I am… my life would be totally different. I have made a choice to be involved, to be there at the bus stop, to be involved with her ballet school (which I enjoy too)… I made the choice to not have the killer job that wouldn’t allow me to do these things until she is older. And yet, I know that this job is something that is not as fitting as it could be. I am drawn to the desire to work in a more community centered position… then I am drawn to do more research and analysis – more larger/international work… and yet there is that part of me that knows my skill set also includes the talent for finding solutions and giving people an array of options or ideas to the challenges or for more strategic thinking… so I sit and wait and wonder if the path will unfold and whether there will be a door that opens and I will know “this is it!” Or if I create my own destiny in that a door won’t open and sitting back and waiting is simply going to leave me sitting and waiting…
The path unfolds at points in my life – while at others, I feel as if I have manifested something myself…
.-= The Exception´s last blog ..July =-.
Gail Brenner says
How fortunate you are to have so many wonderful talents and potentially fulfilling choices! And how beautiful to hear you connecting so deeply in motherhood.
I understand your dilemma completely, and I know that, even at this very moment, life is showing you the way. Even when we feel like we manifest something, we are still being carried along by life – it’s impossible not to be.
As I read your comment, I was wondering what you are clear about – and it seems that you are clear about the fact that you are not completely clear what direction to go in. What would it be like to allow yourself to fully be with the experience of lack of clarity? Just for a moment, maybe you can let go of trying to answer questions and allow all the pieces and feelings to tumble around in your awareness. Perhaps there is something to be learned from your present moment experience.
You have so clearly articulated the dilemma – do you sit and wait or move forward. This time calls for deep listening and surrender. Either way, it sounds like life has something incredibly wonderful in store for you.
Wishing you well on your journey….Would love to hear how it evolves!
rob white says
Hi Gail,
Great question. I believe I am connected to my inner wisdom. To me that means being willing to fully participate in life with our own distinctive style. It has not always been so clear… I have spent plenty of years doing things to look good and seek approval.
It takes courage to declare, “I choose to be me”, in the face of a world that wants you to be like everyone else. It’s those who dare to break free in the name of self-dependence, that feel fully alive.
.-= rob white´s last blog ..What’s it Take to Master Life =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Rob,
I love how you bring up the courage that helps to stay the course for what we really want in the face of pressure from society and other people. It takes a very strong commitment, but in my experience, it gets easier eventually. Only when we listen to our inner wisdom do we get to fully experience life. And you are certainly an inspiration when it comes to fully experiencing life!!
It is painful to live by wanting approval and a positive image, and ultimately doesn’t work. It is exactly this pain and discontent that motivate getting clear about who/what we really want to answer to.
I always appreciate your rich additions to the conversation, Rob…
Marko -- Calm Growth says
Too many people have strong connection with someone else’s expectations, and other things that you mentioned. Too many people are identified with their commander called “fear.” This leads to misery. Fear never speaks the truth. Fear speaks about the negative assumptions.
We always allow the inner intelligence to organize things. Consciously or not. It is only a question whether we understand that. And we realize that as soon throw out labels like “evil” and “good”.
The point of this post are really valuable. Brilliant Gail.
.-= Marko — Calm Growth´s last blog ..What Everybody Ought to Know About Self-Confidence – Part 3 =-.
Gail Brenner says
This comment so beautifully expresses your understanding, Marko. It oozes with truth.
Once we throw out evaluative labels like “evil” and “good,” we see that things are just as they are. The inner intelligence is always here, whispering, guiding, infusing everything with life. We can shut it down by ignoring it, by pretending it isn’t so, or allow it to flourish.
It is transformative when we can see that fear is the commander. Then we have the option to surrender the command to its rightful owner. And misery sure is a sign of something gone awry.
Fear and people whose lives are ruled by fear also have a place in the whole, waiting for the spark of truth to be lit on fire.
And you, Marko, are burning brightly….
Jenn says
Gail, this is exactly the nudges I needed today. Thank you for sharing so clearly and deeply.
*to Claim Life by surrendering my version of it & If we open up even more deeply, all we find is the vibration and energy of life. We are alive! This is real: the current of life.
I love this… lately I find myself listening more and really trying to connect with this inner flow consciously and feeling myself as a part of this energy. I love how it makes us feel so “Active” and “Alive!” rather than thinking so traditionally as there is God, and then me. “the flow” is right here, and now, and that is so different and awakening.
Thank you for nudging me further into this energetic beauty! xx Jenn
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..When the Blossoms Start- a New Journey Begins =-.
Gail Brenner says
Your comment brings a smile to my face, Jenn, and warms my heart. Thanks so much!
You are discovering that there is no separation – no me, no other, no God entity. The flow is right here and we are it! I am happy that you’ve been officially nudged!
Love to you…
Walter says
It took me long to realize how I’m alive yet not living at all. My life has been dictated by forces that I never once questioned. I was obedient to a system that prevented any opportunity of discovering the true self.
I’m glad that I have emancipate from such deep sleep and now in the process of discovering who I really am. One important thing I have discovered about myself is that I’m the one making my own reality. 🙂
Gail Brenner says
Hi Walter,
It is such a revelation to question how we get trapped by our family and cultural systems. Not that they are bad or wrong, but if we are to wake up and know ourselves fully, we need to be aware of all the influences that encourage or pressure us to turn away from ourselves.
I love to hear that you are emancipated from deep sleep. May you know deeply who you really are.
So glad to hear about your process of discovering yourself…
Hilary says
Hi Gail .. ME .. just me .. and boy is it freeing up .. and giving me my space – or will do soon .. everything is up to me ..
thanks – Hilary
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..Hotspur- the Duchess and The Poison Garden =-.
Gail Brenner says
Love your alive energy, Hilary! I feel the freedom…
Joe Wilner says
Gail,
This post provides really important insight into achieving emotional well-being. I know I dealt with what others thought of me for some time, and am still of course impacted by this. Though when it prevents us from reaching for our true desires and aspirations, it will catch up with us eventually. I also, like what you mentioned about fear running out lives. I think that radical acceptance helps to begin approaching our fear and anxiety. For instance, change is inevitable, we are changing everyday in some regard. There is no reason to let fear of change run our emotions.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Joe,
A warm welcome to you…So glad you stopped by!
You make a great point in your comment. If we are answering to fear and others’ expectations, our overall emotional well being will be affected. It is impossible to be truly happy if we aren’t in touch with who we are and what we really want. If we ignore our calling, it does catch up with us – in the form of addictions, stress, depression, boredom, lack of fulfillment.
I love what you are calling radical acceptance. We can radically accept change as well as fear and anxiety, and anything else that arises in our experience. This level of acceptance is the gateway to real peace – where we are not buffeted about by our emotions or the winds of change.
I wish you well…
Armen Shirvanian says
Hi Gail.
Sometimes I think about other people’s reactions, but then I realize I’m giving my power away that way, and then cut off that thinking. The 48 Laws Of Power has one law that says to disdain anything you can’t have. Therefore, you stop thinking about if you can’t have someone’s interest or attention or whatnot, and disregard it. You get your power back that way.
I hear you about that part about having a label that can limit your thinking. Someone who is an “X” will often think of the world as though they are mainly an “X”, and not the full person they grew up as. This sure is no good. We have to remember that we are full capacity beings and that most labels on us are like boxes covering our heads so we can’t see.
Anyone can suddenly switch what they are doing within a day or even an hour if they exit the current version they are in and create a new one.
.-= Armen Shirvanian´s last blog ..Be Careful Of The Popularity Fallacy =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Armen,
I love your comments! You have such a commonsense way of articulating, putting things into words in a way that anyone could apply to their own life.
That’s a great point about getting our power back. As soon as we believe others’ reactions are important, we have abandoned ourselves and given over our power. We are then living a false life that is not aligned with our own desires, sacrificing our deepest yearnings for the imagined views of other people. What you say is just plain wisdom: if we can’t get someone’s interest or attention, we disregard that thought. In a moment, we can get our power back by having the courage to follow what is true for us.
I totally got the visual of people running around with boxes on their heads. It’s confining to identify with a role and masks our full capacity. Realizing you’ve got a box on your head is a great motivation to take it off.
Sibyl - alternaview says
Gail: I really liked this one and couldn’t agree more. When we can find our way to our own inner wisdom, the answers always come and we are guided in the right direction. This is when we can really proceed with confidence and know that we are on the right path. I really appreciated your advice to open yourself up more deeply. It was a great pointer in the direction we need to explore in order to really find our way to the inner voice that is always there for us … we just need to find it. Thanks for a great post.
.-= Sibyl – alternaview´s last blog ..How To Ensure That You Get Out of Life Everything You Want =-.
Gail Brenner says
That’s exactly it, Sibyl. The inner voice is always there – our job is to notice and listen to it.
I love hearing about your insights – thanks for sharing them.
occasionallyserene says
Great article. I go back and forth with who has the authority, I frequently give it away without realizing and then tryto real it back it in. So much of what so many of us do is fear based. I am happiest when I move beyond that fear – that is really tough sometimes. Thank you for evoking these thoughts and the emotions that they create.
.-= occasionallyserene´s last blog ..Serenity can enter your life when you least expect it =-.
Gail Brenner says
I love the honesty you express here, OS. It resonates so well with what most of us go through.
When we give away authority, we do it unknowingly. The moment of grace is realizing we have acted from fear. Now being conscious, we can make a different choice. It takes a strong intention and willingness to be conscious enough to see how we get caught. There is a great simplicity to this process – when we follow happiness, we can’t go wrong.
I so appreciate your comment. Thanks!