“Will you ever bring a better gift for the world than the breathing respect that you carry wherever you go right now?”
~William Stafford
Generosity. It’s a word with a beautiful rhythm that glides off the tongue. Even saying it feels like an offering.
Generosity flows naturally from a full and open heart. In those moments when we are free of mental traps and emotional triggers, when we are deeply peaceful, generosity effortlessly tumbles out of us and spreads in all directions. We just cannot help expressing love in every word and gesture.
But somehow, in this love fest, we exclude ourselves. This is an error in understanding. In our minds, we separate ourselves from the whole. In our hearts, we feel selfish and undeserving when we pay attention to what we need. Our inner world is mean and harsh. These are conditioned tendencies – not unadulterated truth – that result in needless suffering.
The Value of Exploring Habits
Odd as it may sound, I am not advocating that you start taking better care of yourself. As regular readers of this blog know, my only interest is in telling the truth about what is actually real. When mental patterns undermine our happiness and drive us to run ourselves to exhaustion, we are being called to peer into these habits, to see what they are actually made of.
Whether or not our behavior changes is a side effect, although the outcome is likely to be greater happiness and better self-care. But these changes emerge easily from the abundance of an open heart and not from another item on the to-do list.
How We Hurt Ourselves
Asking how we can be more generous toward ourselves is helpful. Ultimately, however, we need to untangle the programming that prompts us to deplete and deprive ourselves. Do any of these resonate with you?
- I attack myself in my thoughts.
- I judge myself for what I feel or what I do (or don’t do).
- I shame myself.
- I force myself to stay busy.
- I pressure myself to be different than I am.
- I feel undeserving.
- I place expectations on myself.
- I ignore my basic needs.
These are clearly not indicative of the inner life that reflects generosity.
We learn unsupportive habits when we are young. They serve a purpose – to motivate and protect us. Take “I shame myself” as an example. For some people, the goal of this thought is to motivate them to take actions that will win the approval of others. And if they are approved of, they will feel loved and happy. Self-criticism can protect us from taking a risk that might lead to failure.
Chained to Habits
Our need for these habits may have expired years ago, yet we continue to be constrained by them. I’ve heard about how baby elephants are trained not to wander. First, they are chained to a large tree, and they learn that they cannot escape the chain. Over time, they are switched to a smaller chain and tree, eventually needing only a string around their neck tied to a thin branch. Of course, the elephants could walk away, but the conditioning is so ingrained that it becomes their reality.
Just like elephants, we become imprisoned by our habits – until we make the choice to investigate them. We find that what seemed real virtually dissolves under scrutiny. And what is revealed is a supremely generous heart waiting patiently for the space to overflow.
Natural Self-Care
When we understand our habits and how they affect us, they soften their grip. The compulsion to act them out diminishes. We begin to experiment by taking steps out of our comfort zone. We open with wonder to newfound freedom and revel in the possibility to be moved by a heart that wishes us happiness, health, and well being.
As we begin to listen to our needs and desires, we discover the people, activities, and environments we are drawn to and those we prefer to avoid. We become sensitive to ourselves and move through our outmoded patterns so we can act from love. Kindness flows; compassion flourishes. We blow the ceiling off our capacity for pleasure and good feeling. We are willing to:
- Rest
- Relax
- Take care of our bodies
- Forgive ourselves and others
- Stop the fight with our emotions
And we are tremendously gentle with the residue that remains from our habits.
Our nature is generosity, and our conditioning stems the flow. When these conditioned patterns are seen through to their root, we recognize that we are included in the whole – we are part of life. There is no separation between self and other, and generosity is unleashed – everywhere.
Kate says
What a beautiful post.
I agree that just looking at the surface, treating ourselves better without looking deeper, for the reasons why we were treating ourselves badly, is futile.
It may work for a while but soon cracks will appear and those old bad habits will resurface……………….as with any health problem, we need to get to the root cause – not treat the symptoms.
Gail Brenner says
Kate,
You’ve described so well what happens when we don’t get to the root cause: “It may work for a while but soon cracks will appear and those old bad habits will resurface.” I’m a big fan of all kinds of self-care, such as relaxing, deep breathing, etc. But if we aren’t being totally kind to ourselves in our thoughts and behavior, then a pattern is asking for investigation. True kindness happens when we stop the inner war with our own experience. We stop resisting ourselves and the world, then we are free.
OccasionallySerene says
“There is no separation between self and other, and generosity is unleashed – everywhere.” Says it all. Thank you Gail!
.-= OccasionallySerene´s last blog ..Repeat after me- in the shade of the Repeat Tree =-.
Gail Brenner says
You are so welcome. Big hug to you, OS!
Adena Atkins says
I love that you focus here on looking at what is getting in our way. So often we focus on what we need to add, rather than what we can do without.
.-= Adena Atkins´s last blog ..First Thing In The Morning =-.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Adena. So glad you stopped by.
Your comment is so right on. It’s a simple shift, although not always easy, from thinking we need to add something to seeing what we can do without. What we discover is that as we shed the habits and behaviors that don’t serve us, we realize that happiness and peace are right there, available. As I suspect you are aware, everything we need and want is already present. How lucky we are!
Sandra Hendricks says
Hi Gail,
This is a beautiful post, that helped me recognize why judgmental dispositions slowly fade from our lives, succeeded by empathy.
.-= Sandra Hendricks´s last blog ..Inspiring Minds are Connecting While Using the Internet! =-.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Sandra! It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Yes, that is so true. As judgment fades, the illuminated heart has space to shine – unleashing its empathy and generosity everywhere.
Marko -- Calm Growth says
We are all made from a single energy field. When we are generous, it’s a natural reaction to the whole energy field (consciousness). Including the generosity toward “us.”
Of course Gail, I totally agree that in many people there are conflicting thoughts (“unsupportive habits”). They restrict our natural harmony. They arise from many sources. From influence of parents in childhood to influence of society in an adult man.
This beliefs can only hinder our natural “need” – attention to the overall energy and ourselves. Therefore, we feel that something is wrong, but we can not explain what. When we finally get rid of this habit, we meet our real need and live in harmony.
Brilliant article Gail.
(And an excellent example of a young elephant.)
Gail Brenner says
And brilliant comment, Marko. I love hearing your clarity.
The “real need” is our desire for truth that masquerades as need for approval, power, safety, etc. Once we become aware of these strategies, we are on the road to letting them go. What is then revealed is the true source – and all needs dissolve away.
Clearly Composed says
I like how I take from this the idea that going through the motions and mindlessly falling back on antiquated habits can be countered first with awareness and then compassion. I enjoyed your words very much. 🙂
Gail Brenner says
I’m so glad you enjoyed the post, CC.
Once we become aware of antiquated habits and are willing to allow them to dissolve, compassion arises effortlessly – toward ourselves and all being.
May we all know awareness and compassion…
Nea says
I love this approach to changing the way we treat ourselves. As you said, it takes more than just another item on the to do list. The level of deep self exploration and discovery you mention here is such an important piece of the pie for successful self improvement.
.-= Nea´s last blog ..How to Let Your Guard Down =-.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Nea, exactly. I see deep self exploration as essential to enduring happiness. Certain actions or circumstances in our lives might bring us temporary happiness, but until we see through all the barriers to happiness, they still can arise to distract us.
And many of us have a barrier to including ourselves when it comes to care and compassion. This is a misunderstanding, as, in reality, we are not disconnected from the whole. When we can recognize how and why we exclude ourselves, we are well on the way to breaking down all barriers and realizing the truth of no separation, which brings the welcome side effect of enduring happiness.
So glad to hear from you, Nea. Wishing you well…
rob white says
Hi Gail,
A very insightful article. I have found that ‘unworthiness’ is a delicate subject of which nearly everyone suffers to some degree. I have found that the insanity of humanity is that nearly everyone feels unworthy for one reason or another (believe me I have suffered and still suffer my share). Unworthiness can hurt us in so many ways from social, financial, spiritually etc.
.-= rob white´s last blog ..The Ultimate Money Secret But It’s Not Just About Money =-.
Gail Brenner says
That’s just it, Rob. For those of us who feel unworthy, there is an opportunity there to learn something, a potential to move through the unworthiness to abundance. Every way we are stuck is a chance to get unstuck.
There is so much suffering in unworthiness. We diminish ourselves and factor ourselves out. As you say so well, this is the insanity of humanity. I say, let’s get it out in the open and heal those wounds, so we can live as the unlimited expression that is rightfully ours.
And you, Rob, are a beautiful expression of the possibility.
Armen Shirvanian says
Hi Gail.
I like this. I certainly see both ends of the process here, about being generous to others and to myself.
A lot of good comes from being this way. When I hold back my skills and enthusiasm, people don’t have anything to see. On the other hand, when I release them in a rap or article or sports match or other created item, people are quite glad for it. We have to put out what we have, or there is no point in having it in the first place.
On your point about self-care, it sure is worth it to take about 30 minutes a day to take care of everything we might have not done during the rest of the time, like drinking enough water, thinking about what we have, stretching, going near plants, or whatever is most helpful.
Some are jealous of generous people, but they are still glad they are there. We like those who give and create something for the rest of us.
.-= Armen Shirvanian´s last blog ..Celestine- Diggy- Marelisa- and Daniels’ Ebooks =-.
Gail Brenner says
These are great points, Armen. There is a great loss all the way around when we hold ourselves back. I sense your willingness to allow all of you to be seen in all the ways that your gifts flow through you. I’m sure it positively affects the people around you – a win-win for everyone.
Taking those 30 minutes can be so rejuvenating. If we are not giving ourselves that time, then the resistance to it needs to be explored. We often treat others more compassionately than we treat ourselves. So much better – and truer – when we include ourselves.
That’s an interesting thought about people being jealous of generous people. There is an easy solution – be more generous. We are attracted to those who give because it goes right to the heart. I have had personal experience being withholding and being generous. Generosity just feels right.
And I can feel the generosity coming through your words. Thanks, Armen.
Linda Wolf (Insanely Serene) says
Gail,
Enjoyed reading this, and had some thoughts to add. What you propose is in some ways counter to our societal learnings. It is not well accepted that we can or should be kind and generous to ourselves. Somehow the paradox is engrained in us that while we must be kind to others, we must be frugal and restrictive in our self-reliance. Perhaps it’s a holdover from Puritanical thinking. Perhaps it’s merely a codependent society teaching us that for us to feel good, we have to first serve others, regardless of whether we have it to give or not. One essential ingredient to turning this around, taking some of the actions you describe, is having a supportive community around us. Surrounding ourselves with others who have perspectives and values of self-care and kindness reinforces the behavior. We have to have help to fight the belief that self-care is selfish.
Thanks for another great post.
Linda
.-= Linda Wolf (Insanely Serene)´s last blog ..The Secret to Changing Ourselves- It’s Not About the How but the Why =-.
Gail Brenner says
Thank you so much for adding this point, Linda. Including ourselves goes against the grain in our society for sure. I love your idea of having a supportive community – maybe starting with our families? If we live with people who don’t always expect us to be “on” and giving, we have the chance to include ourselves in our kindness and take a much-needed rest.
I am a great fan of communities that support us along the journey – they are essential. The best help to fight the belief that self-care is selfish is to explore that belief, to see if it is true, and to stand in the absolute truth that separation between self and other is an illusion. When our communities support this level of investigation, we are surrounded by true friends indeed.
And you are a true friend, Linda.
Sibyl - alternaview says
Gail: Thanks for this. It was a really helpful post and I really appreciated what you said about reprogramming ourselves. I thought the way you explained it was so great and it really is about untangling the bad programming. I think once we acknowledge that we may have some bad programming and that we have the power to reprogram ourselves, we really open ourselves up to learning and living in such a better way. Thanks for these insights.
.-= Sibyl – alternaview´s last blog ..The Key To Doing Great Things- Do Less … Not More =-.
Gail Brenner says
Great to hear from you, Sibyl on this beautiful Sunday.
Reprogramming is really like unprogramming. We are programmed as we grow up through our interactions and life experiences. This programming doesn’t always serve us. When we realize this, we can begin to untangle it, arriving at a state of simplicity and limitless possibility. I have found in my own experience that adding more programming, even if it seems better, still complicates my perspective. When I can look outside of all programming, I can meet everything freshly and directly – in a way that is authentic and real.
This is a bit of a departure from what you were saying. Would love to hear your thoughts.
Whether we reprogram or unprogram, we are all wanting the same thing – to live our lives in happiness, peace, and openheartedness.
Joy says
Hi Gail,
An open and overflowing heart is the key..Life is as ease filled, delight filled, joy filled as I allow it to be..When I open my heart to the moment as it is presented, I am providing the space and resources to allow for the Truth, that anything is possible..
.-= Joy´s last blog ..Fearless Fun Friday- Break a Barrier… =-.
Gail Brenner says
So beautifully said, Joy.
What I hear in your comment is the control we have over the one choice – to be stuck or to be free. When you choose ease, delight, and joy, that’s what you get, as opposed to choosing fear, conflict, and self-judgment.
May everyone be inspired to make the happy, loving choice…
Farouk says
this post is very helpful and came just in time, certainly it can help people live better lives and break some of the chains that are holding them back, thank u 🙂
.-= Farouk ´s last undefined ..Response cached until Wed 11 @ 8:10 GMT (Refreshes in 23.84 Hours) =-.
Gail Brenner says
Great to hear from you, Farouk!
So glad you found the post useful. I’m a great fan of not holding ourselves back, as I know you are!
Lauren says
Dear Gail,
What a lovely and wise perspective you’ve shared with us. I find is refreshing to read your words reflecting embracing our emotions and being real with ourselves.
I, too, feel that from a place of embracing our selves we can heal and flourish in love, knowing we deserve generosity.
Often I hear we need to be good to ourselves so we have more to give others. I love to give to others, yet I feel I don’t need an excuse to justify why I deserve to be good to myself.
Your site, words, photos – all beautiful!
Thanks,
Lauren
Gail Brenner says
Great to have you visit, Lauren, and thank you for your kind words.
We live in a go, go, go society which makes us believe that we need to justify resting, relaxing, and paying attention to ourselves. But of course we don’t, as you have pointed out. The only reason to take good care of ourselves is because we feel moved to – it’s the wise thing to do.
Helping others is wonderful, and feels so much more true when it comes from a full and balanced place. If we are depleted it might feel like a “should,” but when we are filled up, it feels like a joy.
Love to you, Lauren…
Arvind Devalia says
I saw this post mentioned on Lauren’s twitter feed and it just jumped out at me!
The timing is perfect for me as I have been driving myself into the ground and it’s time really for more self-care and tlc on my part.
I am extremely generous to others with my time, energy and resources – and have allowed my own source to get depleted.
Time to replenish myself, using your suggestions.
Thank you:-)
.-= Arvind Devalia´s last blog ..Become Human- Take a Bus Journey =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Arvind,
I so appreciate you telling it like it is. You are such a lovely inspiration for giving, offering, helping. It’s the risk of the giver to forget about giving to him/herself. There is no “other” to give to. When we remember to include ourselves in the giving, everyone benefits. I think of it as giving from the inside out.
I hope you enjoy your self-care and TLC time!
Love, Gail