Note:Ā This is the second in a series of posts to inspire and support awakened living.Ā The first post asked, “Is Your Deepest Longing a Part-Time Hobby?”
āThe greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life.ā
~Eckhart Tolle
Habits can be pesky little things, as you might have noticed. Before we realize it, we are embroiled in a conversation or thinking pattern that takes us down a road we prefer not to be traveling. We feel out of control, propelled by mysterious forces that make us question our sanity. We ask ourselves, āHow did I end up here ā again?ā
I recently spoke with a friend whose mind was flooding her with harsh self-criticism. She just didn’t get it. She related how the past few months had rolled by with ease, and now this. Whatever your habit ā food, alcohol, argumentativeness, obsessive thinking, self-criticism ā you might notice that you are well into playing it out before you know it. It’s almost like being possessed.
We Need to Study Our Habits
So how do we get ourselves back? How do we regain a semblance of control so that we stop hurting ourselves? Get out the microscope.
Many of our patterns are so ingrained in us we don’t even realize we are doing them. The medicine is to become acutely aware of every aspect of them. Only then can we let them go. We become so familiar with them that we see them rearing their little heads ā and when we do, we can choose differently.
The Fruits of the Analysis
You might be amazed when you begin to gain awareness of your patterns. Once I crossed the threshold to wanting to know everything about my experience, I realized that I was meeting much of my life with a fear response. When I put my reactions under the microscope, I saw a pulling in of the breath and a physical movement back and away. It was like a lion had just appeared in my path. Somehow I was reacting as if everything was threatening me.
This was quite a revelation. I had no idea the extent to which fear was driving me. But once I did, I was able to befriend the fear and untie the knots in my thinking that were keeping me boxed in. My awareness was so precise that I was able to go right to the root ā fear ā rather than playing out a pattern that left me feeling confused and unhappy. Then, just like dominoes toppling, many subtle tendencies started to unravel.
Can you see the power of penetrating awareness? When we place our habits under the microscope, we get to know them so completely that they can’t play out unconsciously anymore. Awareness is the get-out-of-jail-free card. It is the pathway to sanity.
The How-To Guide
If you want a sane, relaxed, drama-free life, put on a lab coat, and study your habits. Here’s how.
- Press pause. When we stop our habits mid-stream, we immediately get some distance from them. This distance is essential to studying them. We step back and observe. We are witnessing what happens without being identified. Think of a specimen under the microscope. Be curious.
- Proceed in slow-mo. Ssssllllloooowww it down. Start at the beginning or backtrack from the place you first become aware. Break it down into each step. Remember, you are focusing on your internal response ā thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, pictures that appear in your mind. Know your habit so well that you could teach someone else to act it out.
- Discover the root. Keep peeling the layers until you find that very first reaction. To find it, ask, āWhat else? What is under that?ā This reaction is likely to be subtle, so take your time. It might be a physical response, like the drawing in of breath I described above, or an emotion or thoughts.
- Give yourself love. Be so kind and compassionate toward yourself during this process. Welcome in whatever you find with a loving heart. We heal inner division, those cut off and hidden places in ourselves, with love. It works every time.
- Connect with your inner wise one. Once the pattern is known so completely, it stops running like a madman. The emotional agitation and dramatic stories quiet down, making space for wisdom to arise. When you aren’t propelled by unseen forces, you might be surprised at the clarity that emerges.
- Once is not nearly enough. The key to dissolving a habit is to work with it every time it arises. There is no goal, no such thing as a finished product. The habit appears in the moment, you study it, and it stops driving you. Every time. The more vigilant you are, the more willing you are to develop steady awareness, the deeper the possibility of being free.
A Concrete Example
Habits still come up in me, like the one this morning, for example. My schedule is already full, but someone asked me to add something to it. I immediately feel tension in my body. I physically lean back and my breathing gets shallow. I notice negative thoughts (āI can’tā), followed by more thoughts scrambling to figure out how to manage everything.
Then I realize, āOh, I’m afraid.ā I breathe into the fear, relax with it, bring compassion and understanding to it. As it subsides, I have the space to decide the best course of action. Calmly.
As the fear continues to come in waves, I ride it out with ease every time. That’s it. No endpoint, no goal. Simply being wise and loving with my own experience so that I am not controlled by it.
Next time a habit catches you, get out the microscope. Know yourself so well that your driving emotions have no place to hide. Inhabit your awareness ā it is your true home. Be joyful, intelligent, and relaxed in the moments of your life.
What have you learned by studying your habits?Ā What are the obstacles to studying them?Ā I’d love to hear…
rob white says
Beautifully put, Gail… and I love your real life example. Taking complete responsibility for our habits is a powerful step to replacing them with something that supports us. We simply do not have to be at the beck and call of our habits… it is our right to determine the habits and tendencies that express through us.
.-= rob whiteĀ“s last blog ..The Sincere Seeker of Success =-.
Gail Brenner says
I love the determination that comes through your comment, Rob. That is the fire that encourages true change. We can celebrate the possibility that we can be conscious in our lives and we don’t have to be at the beck and call of our habits. Being a victim to our habits doesn’t serve anyone. Becoming aware sparks an inner revolution that changes everything.
Sending love on this beautiful day.
The Exception says
It is interesting to see the habits and examine them. My habit is thinking about the same person and attempting to analyze it all more than necessary. I catch myself and wonder ā why do I keep going here? Sing a song, do something, just think about anything else as this use of energy is not efficient. And that works. It is breaking that habit of turning to that topic for āsomethingā to consider as I have lots going on ā or I could just let my mind relax and think of, nothingā¦
.-= The ExceptionĀ“s last blog ..Neither a tourist or a Resident =-.
Gail Brenner says
Great to see the habit, E. This is the first major step to being free of it. I wonder if there is some experience – a feeling or physical response – that precedes the thinking. If there is, it might help to pay attention to that so the fuel for the pattern begins to deplete. And another thought: are you getting something out of this thinking, or is it totally unproductive? Are you turning to it for a reason?
Sure you can distract by doing other things, and I love your option of simply relaxing away from thinking altogether. Just follow what truly brings happiness, and you will enjoy yourself.
Tess The Bold Life says
LOL there are a couple of habits I’d like to keep hidden!
Seriously this is just what I needed to read today. And I’m going to pause and go slllloooww when I catch myself the next time. Loved your personal example. It’s weird how our body reacts immediately isn’t it?
Gail Brenner says
Great to see you over here, Tess. Thanks for the visit. I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while now.
Hmm…wondering what those habits are! Some people can change their behavior easily, but most of us need a more concentrated approach, and I have found that going sssslllloooww helps a lot. Yes, I have a nervous system that tends to react with a fear response. Good to know this, as it helps me to not buy into the story. The more we know the details of our habits, the easier it is to catch them.
I’d love to hear how it goes with you.
Lance says
Gail,
Wow, you have really just said this so well.
Awareness. That’s the word that really jumps out for me. and it’s not like this is not something I didn’t know (because I like to think that I *am* aware). Still, as I read this – I feel also that there’s just so much deeper I can take this awareness. And in that, I know too that much good will come.
Yet, I haven’t really thought about it in terms of habits. And it just makes so much sense as I let your words settle. I will very much be doing this (well…at least when my awareness is there…). Perhaps that’s part of it, too – is just doing this more and more (the being aware concept), making awareness a habit…
Gail, very meaningful words for me to read today. Thank you…
.-= LanceĀ“s last blog ..Lead The Way =-.
Gail Brenner says
I’m so glad you resonated with this post, Lance.
There is no end to awareness. It just keeps going deeper, touching everything, including everything. And when we become acutely aware of how our habits work, we can, little by little, be free of them. I have found that the more I am aware…the more I am aware. I see everything and can always make the happy and peaceful choice.
Wishing you deep awareness…
Robin Easton says
Dearest Gail, you are such a kind love. The way you honestly share your own example here is very touching for me. I love that about you, although you educate and counsel, you never ever put yourself above being human. It makes you far more powerful and real to others. It creates a great sense of trust for others because you are willing to expose your own humanity, others then feel they too can. That is one of your STUNNING qualities that makes me just love you. It is a quality often not seen in the counseling arena, but I feel times are changing and this one of the things that will change. You are on the forefront of that change. Never underestimate the healing power of this unique gift you give, a gift you seem to give and possess innately. It is almost more potent than anything else.
I also really relate to this line. It is something I learned in my late twenties and have used ever since: “Discover the root. Keep peeling the layers until you find that very first reaction. To find it, ask, āWhat else? What is under that?ā
As you say at first it may seem subtle but once we make doing this a way of life the things we feel become glaringly obvious. And in most cases in our lives we can whittle reactions down to very core emotions or emotion (fear). Ever since my time in the rainforest I’ve called this “track my emotions”. Finding the “primary emotion”. It is a powerful tool.
AND if we keep our eyes and hearts open we can use present “triggers” to learn about our past, ourselves and everything we need to live a happy, rewarding life NOW. We also create more space, like you did in your example by choosing how we want to respond to our reaction.
I am always deeply touched by you. You move through the world with great compassion. It is very beautiful. YOU are very beautiful.
Much love to you dear Gail.
Robin
Gail Brenner says
Hi Robin,
You’ve been so much in my awareness, as I am LOVING my way through your book. I’ve been reading a little every morning.
Knowing our triggers, tracking our emotions, and finding the primary one. These are all so key, aren’t they? How else are we to be here, actually living our lives? We have to be aware of what is happening within us. And eventually it becomes such a joy. I love noticing new and old feelings and letting them be seen and released. All happening in the vast stillness.
You are such a dear, Robin. So much integrity and love saturates everything you do.
Much love to you, dear one,
Gail
Nea says
Hi Gail. I really enjoyed this post, particularly your concrete example. The idea of pausing and realizing what the feeling is that’s driving you–that’s perfect. Sometimes I snack on sugary things purely out of habit. Lately, I’ve noticed that the feeling behind it is usually boredom or anxiety rather than hunger. So, awareness has definitely come into place for me as I break myself of this habit. Thanks for sharing your personal experiences and your wonderful advice.
.-= NeaĀ“s last blog ..How to Escape the Chronic Stress Loop =-.
Gail Brenner says
And I appreciate your example, Nea. Once you see that the driver is boredom or anxiety, you can so much more lovingly take care of yourself. We can learn so much simply by observing our own behavior and seeing it to the core. I am a big fan of not taking any of our mindless behaviors for granted. Freedom is absolutely possible.
Thanks so much for your comment.
Merrie says
Hi Gail, I so enjoy your posts and often re-read them. In responding to your questions (posting ON-LINE), Iām facing one of my fears ā¦another, which I need to examine more deeply (ahem) to fully understand āwhy.ā
What have you learned by studying your habits?
Self-knowledge and eventually release and freedom from the habit!
What are the obstacles to studying them?
My frequent obstacles are: WILLINGNESS to study the habit and FOCUS (staying aware ā¦conscious and observant, rather than reacting unconsciously). Unfortunately, the willingness often doesnāt arrive from just wanting to study and change the habit, although the wanting does precede it. Iāve found that researching the subject/habit I want to release is often a helpful ā¦this seems to prime my willingness and readiness to be present and observe/feel the accompanying stories, feelings, etc. Interestingly, when I am ready the decision and willingness to follow through is easy and enjoyable ā¦and releasing the habit relatively painless!
My tendency is to simultaneously want AND not want to study and eliminate a habit. This creates resistance ā¦then an internal war ensues. When I remember to stop fighting and accept āwhat isā (I donāt want, or am not ready, to stop), often the willingness and readiness simply arise.
I would love to find a fail-safe formula to take me from wanting to change ā¦to being reading and willing to change (by change, I mean the willingness to be aware and observant, fully feel body sensations and address oneās sabotaging stories) ā¦…LOL, but would I be willing to use it (smile)?
Thank you for your inspiring posts! Merrie
Gail Brenner says
So much insight here, Merrie. You are breaking down the process, seeing that willingness leads to ease and release. And you notice tendencies to want and not want to study the habit. This is so excellent!
I think you already know the fail-safe formula! If you follow happiness, where does that take you? So simple. It doesn’t matter if you notice that you are willing after you are already caught in the habit. Any moment of awareness is the moment to celebrate the capacity to make a sane choice.
I know well that conflict of wanting to let go and wanting to stay the same. Can we hold both sides and stay open to that?
Love, love, love hearing your process, Merrie. So beautiful and rich…
marilee krause says
Wow, Gail, I love your articles, the morning can disappear before I know it, and your writing is wonderful! I love the aliveness, clarity, practicality, and positivity. Also I feel less alone doing this work while reading the comments. Also I feel challenged, and as tools are presented, patterns/pain body pops up, voila. This article was so helpful, and I used the guidelines with big success just last night. Is this what is called inquiry? Any tips about how to give ourselves love? Big hug, Marilee
Gail Brenner says
Hi Marilee,
Welcome! Great to see you over here.
I love that you felt less alone while reading the comments. We’re here to support each other – there is so much value in walking the path with others.
The process I describe in this article is inquiry, but it goes beyond. Usually the root of a habit is some painful inner place we haven’t been aware of. It is a part that has split off, making us worry, harm ourselves, and think we aren’t whole. The healing balm is loving presence because that’s what was missing long ago. We don’t need it to come from another because that love lives inside us, as us. So can you find the most loving place inside you and shower the pain with a gentle cascade? Over and over, every time it appears.
I talk about this more in A Brief Guide to the Power of Love.
All love to you, my friend…