“Embracing our humanness is what actually delivers us beyond attachment and non-attachment and into the vastness of true freedom, love, and compassion.”
~Adyashanti
Here are some people I’ve come across recently.
- A man whose light shines so brightly. He wants to end a relationship that is no longer joyful, but feels he doesn’t deserve to get what he wants.
- Two competent professional women who are overcommitted, hyper-responsible, unable to set boundaries, and burned out.
- A man so intent on “making it big,” that he squanders his family’s savings and ends up in debt with his wife on the verge of leaving him.
- An amazing young woman, happy and content in a long relationship with her boyfriend who treats her like gold. Her mother judges them because he doesn’t fit her idea of a suitable partner, driving a wedge in her relationship with her daughter.
These are normal scenarios, you might say. This is how life is. Most likely, we all know people who are struggling with everyday situations such as these. Maybe you are one of them.
But when I feel into each of these circumstances, my heart aches. Doesn’t yours?
The Disease
Well, I am here to tell you that what we call normal is insane. What happens when we cling to beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the world that dictate how things should be? What happens when we resist fear, when we need to be right? We bring stress and unhappiness to our own lives and the lives of those around us.
Can we please stop doing this?
The Cure
There is a cure for this disease of normal insanity. It is called willingness, longing for truth, courageous honesty.
And the treatment is investigation, taking a curious and penetrating look at your beliefs and fears to see what is actually true. What brings stress? What serves? What is a belief, a feeling?
Don’t investigate your inner experience to save the world. Don’t worry about taking care of anyone else.
This is the cosmic joke: The only one to pay attention to is you. Place your own happiness and peace foremost in your mind. Do it for you and your personal well-being. Embrace your human suffering completely. Get to know it intimately. Break it down to see what it is really made of.
You will see that it is a gateway to realizing the totality of existence, love in overflowing abundance, laser-like wisdom that sees things clearly. Beliefs collapse like a house of cards. Fear is experienced as just physical sensations. And the pain of separation melts into effortless compassion and generosity.
Next time you feel the momentum to carry out an old habit, stop, feel the intensity of the urge, breathe, and let sanity guide you. Every single time. Abandon the big picture, and bring your attention to your moment-by-moment existence. Here is where the juice is, the traps and the possibility for freedom from them.
Normal insanity is not a problem – it is an opportunity. Do you feel separated, righteous, powerless? These are your signals to pause. Study your experience, receive yourself with oceans of compassion, and make the peaceful choice.
How about you…Are you ready to choose sanity? What attachments get in your way? I’d love to hear…
Sandra Lee says
Dear Gail,
This is a remarkable post. I agree ~ normal ‘sanity’ is often insane. I really appreciate your advice to dig deeply and ask questions.
Here’s the part that I’m not clear about ~
“Don’t investigate your inner experience to save the world. Don’t worry about taking care of anyone else.
This is the cosmic joke: The only one to pay attention to is you.”
I get this from one perspective, but not from another. If this were the case, there would be no great spiritual teachers on the earth to light the way.
I am reflecting on this. Thank you.
.-= Sandra Lee´s last blog ..Is Attachment Destroying Your Happiness =-.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sandra,
I appreciate your question. People seem to start searching for the truth for two reasons: they have a burning need to know, or they want to feel better and realize that typical self-improvement strategies don’t work in the long run. For most people, eventually both reasons are at play, but the latter one is more prominent. People are looking for a way out of the anxiety and lack of fulfillment they feel.
This is a great starting point for the truth. And it is not about helping others or showing them the way. But here is the joke. Someone who is free,who has gone all the way, who knows himself as pure Being, lives in non separation, in the understanding that there is no difference, that the face of God is everywhere. Some of those people become sages, lighting the way for others, simply out of love overflowing. If you know the end of suffering and you see suffering “over there” in someone else, how can you do anything but generously help? It is a natural outflow for consciousness to free itself everywhere.
The gateway in can be one’s own personal suffering, but the results, in the end, benefit all beings. You may know this as the Boddhisattva vow.
Does this clarify?
Christopher Foster says
Hi Gail. Thanks for this. I think of sanity as loving what is beautiful and true in myself and in others and in life and following that love wherever it takes me.
.-= Christopher Foster´s last blog ..Getting rid of the ache in our lives =-.
Gail Brenner says
That is so beautiful, Chris, and worth repeating: “I think of sanity as loving what is beautiful and true in myself and in others and in life and following that love wherever it takes me.”
We could all take a little, or a lot, of what you suggest and apply it to our lives right now.
marilee says
Yes, thank you!
Gail Brenner says
You have my total support, Marilee.
Joe Wilner says
Gail,
Thanks for this reminder to stop and really examine what type of life we are leading. I think it can be easy to believe we are on the right path to happiness, success, and freedom, when it’s the exact opposite of what will bring us positive well-being. Self-awareness is a tricky and illusive concept. There are times when I feel I’m exactly where I want to be and all of sudden, I find myself acting and thinking in a way that reminds me to really do a perspective check. I guess this is how life unfolds, and the important part is to be consistent in checking in with ourselves and continuing to make progress toward the person we want to be.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Joe,
What you are alluding to here is the tendency of the mind to co-opt the truth. There is pure, alive truth, the Yes! Then the mind gets busy trying to figure things out, make them last, strategize, etc. Once the mind starts chewing on things, they lose their sense of enthusiasm and aliveness, and we feel like we are off course.
Until clarity and happiness are firmly established, vigilance helps to keep us on track. And I applaud you for this vigilance. It is a blessing to be able to choose truth every time.
I appreciate your sharing this part of your journey here. It helps everyone to hear about others’ experiences.
Angie says
Joe’s post was very good for me to read and Gail you clarified it even more. I can see how i teeter totter between what I feel is the right path and then (I like how you said it) my mind gets busy trying to figure things out. At this point I get frustrated and confused and just shut down.
Gail, do you have any suggestions on what to do when I just start to shut down and hide? At this moment I end up stuck not moving in any directions.
Gail Brenner says
I appreciate your question, Angie.
You’ve already seen that the mind isn’t serving you. When you try to figure things out, it doesn’t clear the frustration and confusion. So you know that the help you are looking for is not in your thoughts, meaning that you need to look elsewhere.
So when you find yourself shutting down and hiding, what is being asked for is attention to those experiences. Bring you attention to your inner world. Learn how it feels to be shut down and hiding. What stories do you tell yourself in your thoughts? What are your feelings and physical sensations in your body? Welcome your direct experience without resisting it. Be compassionate with every little thing that arises in you.
The goal is not to not be shut down. You will see that when you bring loving attention to these experiences, they begin to soften.
Peace can only be found in the moment. There are no sweeping solutions – just a moment by moment embracing of what is.
I honor you for your conscious attention to choosing a path. Just that is an essential step toward peace.
And it is a process until you “get it.” So you will probably have more questions. Feel free to bring them here.
Linda Wolf says
Gail,
I love your post. I do choose sanity, and I totally agree with you that the first and foremost necessity is courageous honesty about oneself. There are so many ways we lie to ourselves, your opening examples are perfect.
The thing is, I find I have to choose sanity from moment to moment. It does not seem to stick with me. My mind is constantly pulling me off track into the muck and mire of insane thoughts – that anxiety and lack of fulfillment you mention. So I work it, hard and constantly, to keep some semblance of balance. I have a lot of tools I use to battle the crazy thoughts and tendencies. Thank you for being one of them. 😉
Linda
Gail Brenner says
I am so glad you mentioned sanity moment-to-moment, Linda. This is the only place it can be found! We show what is important to us in every decision, every way we express ourselves.
I hear you saying this is a struggle. The goal is not for the crazy thoughts and tendencies to go away. As we simply choose sanity every time, these weaken of their own accord. Our only job is to stay grounded in the truth.
I wish you ease and lightness on your journey…
Zengirl @ Heart and says
Gail,
Yes! I am ready to choose sanity and have started on it! When I left my 6 figure income to be home with kids, when I decided to homeschool my kids, when I decided to write what I believe in…I am not normal, and I am okay with that.
Thank you for this wonderful message! I am with you on this journey to be sane!
Preeti
.-= Zengirl @ Heart and ´s last blog ..Meaningful Happy Holidays From Heart- Not Wallet =-.
Gail Brenner says
I love your enthusiasm, Preeti! And I thank you for sharing the specific choices you have made that support your happiness.
I don’t feel normal either, and that’s fine with me, too!
Andrea DeBell says
Hi Gail! I love your question “What happens when we cling to beliefs.” We hold on to so many things that make no sense just because we are used to things being that way. Investigation or self-inquiry is a great way to start debunking these so called truths we live by.
I also love your statement “The only one to pay attention to is you.” Very powerful reminder that our work is within and not outside of us. The only people we can change is ourselves, the rest will take care of itself.
Thanks for this gorgeous reminder. Loving blessings!
.-= Andrea DeBell´s last blog ..Kickstart an Abundant Life the Easy Way =-.
Gail Brenner says
You make two really good points here, Andrea. I’m glad you have emphasized them.
I’m a big fan of not taking anything for granted – including beliefs that we hold onto so much that they seem like truths. Someone recently challenged me on a belief I didn’t even realize I had. When I started looking at it, I saw that it had no basis in truth whatsoever. So freeing!
And yes, focusing on ourselves. That is where our own direct experience is. Everything else is not our business.
Love to you…
Rand says
“Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world’s great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of those rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs. I am haunted by waters.”
A kayak “journey” down the Colorado with a bunch of “insane” stagehands looks to be in the making…maybe we will all come out slightly sane.
“The goal is not for the crazy thoughts and tendencies to go away. As we simply choose sanity every time, these weaken of their own accord. Our only job is to stay grounded in the truth.”
My brother John became a master of this when dealing with his schizophrenia in those final years. So strong and peaceful…
Gail Brenner says
Kayaking sounds fabulous, Rand. It’s one of my favorite sports.
Your brother John sounds like an inspiration. Thanks so much for sharing about him here.
Armen Shirvanian says
Hi Gail.
We have to prove to others that we are sane in our outlandish attempts, and one way to do this is to do things regularly.
Placing our own happiness and peace foremost in our mind sounds good to me. I know that I have only done well when I was content with myself, and then was able to pass on great material to others. It doesn’t tend to work any other way. If something is bothering me, I will barely be able to pass on much to someone else that doesn’t reek of resentment or passiveness or any other descriptor like those.
Also, great post on Zen Habits, as it was thorough, linked to various articles quite appropriately, and had concrete sectioning.
.-= Armen Shirvanian´s last blog ..A Lesson Discussed Regarding Self-Doubt =-.
Gail Brenner says
I couldn’t agree more, Armen, and I thank you for these real-life examples. When we are happy and peaceful, others feel it, and if something is bothering us, that shows as well. So when we discover happiness in our own experience, it is a generous thing that benefits everyone.
Thanks for your comments on the ZH post. I wasn’t sure when Leo was going to publish it. It’s been an amazing two days!
Fr. Michael says
Gail,
I just stumbled upon your blog and am enjoying your posts. Lately I’ve been pondering the powerful reality of self-presence. When I become deeply aware of myself in the present moment, fear disappears. It’s a powerful reality, to live in the present moment.
Thanks for your insights!
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Father Michael. I appreciate your visit here.
The power of presence crosses all religious traditions. When we know ourselves fully, fear dissolves. Everything surrenders to the One Love and can’t hold up in the face of it.
I resonate with your experience of the powerful reality of self-presence.
Thanks for your comment, and best wishes to you…
Rand says
“Kilamanjaro is a snow covered mountain. At 19,710 feet it is said to be the tallest in Africa. Close to the western sumit there is the dry frozen carcass of a leopard. No one has ever explained what the leopard was seeking at that altitude.”
The famous Hemmingway riddle.
Some may know that ‘Harry’ became enlightened that he had to go back to where he lost the scent…”to work some fat off the soul”.
I need to do the same…to look into the depth of someone’s eyes and know truth…all these typed out ‘words’ have become to un-settling…there is no scent here.
Good bye
irene says
hi gail!!! i came across your awesome site via other wonderful sites in the net..
i am currently suffering from major depression and i spend nearly the entire day looking for sites to help myself recover, besides my medications and undergoing therapy. and i learned only one thing from every site i stumbled upon, and that is focusing more on myself than on the things around me. and you only did nothing but confirm it through these words: “The only one to pay attention to is you. Place your own happiness and peace foremost in your mind. Do it for you and your personal well-being.” it is indeed true!!! when i started realizing that the only thing i need to focus on is myself, i started to view things differently. i started to become more optimistic and i learned to accept that there are really things that i definitely cannot control. i have been so focused on everything else around me, except myself, for my entire life, wondering why i can’t find solutions to problems that to me, seemed to last a lifetime. i wanted so much to win the approval of people around me and my actions seemed guarded all the time. but learning about this what i would like to call “self-love” is really very liberating because i learned to accept that there are things that i cannot control and that i am not entirely responsible for unfortunate events that are happening in my life.
thank you so much, gail for sharing your wonderful insights. 🙂
.-= irene´s last blog ..Because Life Is Beautiful =-.
Gail Brenner says
Wow, Irene! My heart is singing with you in celebration!
It’s that U-turn with your attention that changes everything. We stop looking outside ourselves for solutions, and we start looking at our own selves objectively. You can’t control situations, people, etc, but you can get to know your own inner experience and learn to accept things as they are.
And now you are reaping the benefits by noticing that you are more optimistic. Thank you so much for sharing your insights here.
A big cyber-hug to you…
Trish Crew says
I recently left a psychotherapist who was trying to drum into my head the same things you are talking about. I couldn’t get it, then. I think with another point of view, I will.
I do understand about layers. I have been in emotionally charged retreat experiences where I am crying about something and as I told my story one gulp at a time, someone kind said yes. No matter what I said about myself or my situation he just said yes in such a compassionate and loving way, I ended up by laughing and feeling loved. It was a wonderful way to get rid of emotional junk.
Now, as I start with a new therapist, I can tell her what I want for myself and see where we go. Thanks for your blog!
Gail Brenner says
Hi Trish,
You are so welcome here, and I appreciate your report.
Deep and compassionate listening is so healing, as you have experienced. A teacher of mine said recently, “Listening deeply is love.” And love is what we need for our painful stories to dissipate and lose their power.
It sounds to me like you are well on your way to the understanding you are looking for. And I totally support you in being clear with your new therapist about what you want.
About 15 years ago, at the beginning of my search, I did several 10-day meditation retreats. I am so grateful for those experiences because I also got to release a lot of old feelings I had been carrying around. It’s a courageous act to truly stop, to stop running from ourselves and let things be seen as they are.
Wishing you well along your journey…
Trish Crew says
Thank-you Gail.
I just hope this therapist understands what I want. She is a CBT practitioner and although I don’t completely understand what that is, I hope she has enough insight to work with me where I am.
Kashif Ansari says
we have to let go of preconceived notions that prey on our present happiness and joy. why not forget everything you know and go out for a walk. hello people would it be so bad to stop class-ifying and pig-eonholing others based on some stupid racist sexist or mumbo jumbo sacred cow truth. why not face each moment afresh like it were the moment you saw the light when you were born. live in the present and remember the present is always perfect.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Kashif, it’s always possible to choose happiness and joy.