“Suffering and joy teach us, if we allow them, how to make the leap of empathy, which transports us into the soul and heart of another person. In those transparent moments we know other people’s joys and sorrows, and we care about their concerns as if they were our own.”
~Fritz Williams
“Phoenix rising from the ashes.” This phrase popped into my head recently, and I wasn’t sure why until I did the research. As the story goes, the phoenix is a mythical bird with fiery plumage that lives up to 100 years. Near the end of its life, it settles in to its nest of twigs which then burns ferociously, reducing bird and nest to ashes. And from those ashes, a fledgling phoenix rises – renewed and reborn.
And now I get it. This is the story of my life in the past few months – especially the part about burning ferociously. Life presented me with some challenging circumstances that left me just hanging on. And now, sanity has returned. I look out with fresh eyes. The fog has lifted, and the dark clouds have moved on.
My experience is not unique – it happens to all of us at some point, it’s a part of the human journey. But this was my time, and I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned along the way.
Resistance is natural
When life threw me a curve, I longed for the turmoil to be over with. I wanted to pick myself up and move on. I tried hard to create a plan, to know what I didn’t know, to gain control. I was so busy trying to make things happen that I overlooked what was actually happening.
I ignored my feelings and resisted the present moment. Yes, me, the one who writes about welcoming all of our experience with a loving, open heart. I was doing everything but.
Finally, I realized my approach wasn’t working. I stopped trying. I let myself be frustrated and impatient. I admitted that there was so much I didn’t know, and I let go of figuring it all out. Life was messy, so I suspended my fruitless attempts to clean it up.
And this was the beginning of the fire, as there was space for feelings and reactions to surface.
Things happen in their own time
When I look back I see that I had very little control over what happened. The seasons of my experience had to run their course – severe winter storms, cold and darkness, then the seeds hidden from view beginning to sprout (very exciting!). The best I could do was ride the waves, which I did with varying degrees of success.
Forgetting and remembering joy
When darkness descends, joy is blotted out, buried, seemingly non-existent. Everything weighed like a heavy burden, all my activities felt like obligations. When I realized that I had forgotten joy, I created a “want-to-do” list. Every time I found myself wandering around in a fog, my job was to pull out the list and do something enjoyable or productive. I organized closets and took walks, finally starting to see the beauty around me.
And I focused on others – being a good friend, showing up for someone in need.
My self-care didn’t suffer. My diet stayed healthy, and I kept up with yoga. But some people going through hard times can benefit from paying special attention to the basics of daily living – good diet, exercise, limited alcohol.
Staying close to the bone
Things started to shift when I made the commitment to find direction in my moment-to moment experience. The big picture was way too nebulous, but I realized that in each moment there was a kernel of truth, a clarity, a “yes” that showed me my next step.
I recognized that this guidance had been there all along, but I was too caught up in trying to find solutions to see it. When I let go of paying so much attention to the stories running through my mind, of trying to control, of avoiding strong feelings, much to my surprise, I found the groundedness I was looking for – the truth in every moment.
Support was essential
At the beginning, I was going it alone, and I wouldn’t recommend it. Eventually, I reached out, allowing the vulnerability of asking for support. It came in so many beautiful, unexpected ways, but I had to let people know I needed it. And a few sessions with a therapist offered some very useful insights.
The clouds do part
“This too shall pass” were empty words to me. I looked into the future, and all I could see was confusion. My negative mind had taken over, and I couldn’t see my way out.
But the clouds do part in their own time. The human spirit is resilient and wants to find its way home to wholeness. I see this over and over in my work. I facilitate a bereavement group at a retirement community for people who have lost their spouses after sometimes 50+ years of marriage. You can just tell when someone walks through the door that they will announce they no longer need the group. They are renewed; they have gone into the darkness and found their way through.
One day I realized that I was happy, and soon after, I saw that I was thriving. I had been through the fire and emerged whole and clear, with doors opening in so many wonderful ways. The sad and frustrated stories in my mind had fallen away, and the emotions that had captured me softened. I can breathe freely again.
Eventually opening to the lessons
When people said I would look back and appreciate this time, all I could do was groan. When I was in the thick of it, it seemed like it would never end. And now, with the sun shining and flowers blooming, I can reflect on what I have learned.
- Let things happen.
- Give up trying to control.
- Don’t pretend you know what you don’t know.
- Stay close to what you know is true in the moment.
- Feeling bad isn’t wrong – it’s just how things are sometimes.
- Take good care of yourself.
- Engage with others.
- Reach out for support.
- When the time is right, feel the emotions.
- Get perspective – learn what not to do next time.
So there it is – my story. And now I turn it over to you. What have you learned about going through hard times? I’d love to hear…
Your post has come in a timely manner and I appreciate your sharing.
I am going through something I didn’t expect and which I had no control over. Not for the first time! I know that we can only control ourselves, but I am having a difficult time letting go and so have decided to go with the flow. Some days are better than others and although I still can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, I do know it is there.
In the meantime, I have been productive, have seen friends, have lost a few pounds because I am eating better, I go out and I keep busy. Time on my own has given me breathing space and I can see a lesson here.
I think I need to tap on welcoming this experience and see what happens, because right now it isn’t great.
I hope that things are better for you now. I look forward to the day that my solar plexus doesn’t feel like a lump of stone. 🙂
Welcome to you, Arlene.
It sounds like you are moving through this time in your life so beautifully – going with the flow, being productive, seeing friends, eating healthy, a balance between being busy and quiet time. And the rest will take care of itself.
Whenever you are ready, allowing the feelings can be a relief because you don’t have to fight them any longer – including the lump of stone in your solar plexus.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I wish you well.
I liked reading your blog very much. I am from Pune, India.
I would like to share with you what I do whenever the `wheel goes down’.
I keep a book by Dr.Seuss `Oh, the Places You’ll Go!’ next to my bed. The illustrations are uplifting and the simple text is an immediate pep up. Wish all of you a Merry X’mas and a happy 2013.
Hi Sujata,
Welcome and thank you for your comment.
Anything that brings us to realize presence is a benefit. It’s amazing to know that we really don’t have to suffer. A simple realization of what is true is all that is needed.
Love and blessings to you…
Yes , rising of the Phoenix, thier is a deeper meaning that we as a society r overlooking! We are neglecting to give credit to the Creator of all creation,the rising is a awareness to a calling ! We are so conditioned to seek the gods that rule this world ! The fallen angels, which are many forms deceiving us from reality. Seeking spirit guides mystical theories. etc.we need. to be honest,wwhy we experience these such times of spiritual turmoil! It is the Creator aka God of Isreal the bible Risen Christ,eternal life.it is a wake up call,God is trying to say to us be careful of whom u choose to listen to.to.please people verify ghese spiritts,there is only 1 truth.there many sides of fallen angels who want to steal our souls – spiritual destruction! basically everything that we experience is a result of these demons posing as angels of light – wannabe Creator of alall-God-Lord of all Creation.just look real close at our environment – society decay etc,all related to our disregard for the true God of Creation.i can guarantee the majority of our problems lare related to these demons,ddrug , alcohol abuse spousal abuse divorces homosexuality murders,adultery,
basically everything. I can also guarantee that by repentance of transgression seeking other sources of reliefoOnly sir red knows what it’s like for himself during those moments of pure vulnerability. Moments when he can only heap his burdens onto himself, and not unto a God who desires to carry those burdens. Education is vanity, and true learning of any substance is sought through the discernment of a child like mind. The spiritual battle is very real, and can only be denied by those who struggle to justify its existence as otherwise. It’s everywhere. There is subtle anti Bible propaganda in nearly every commercial, sitcom, advertisement, movie, brand label, it’s everywhere. And why? Because of the non existing spiritual battle that is not taking place? When the anti christ implements mandatory worship by the entire world, will you still deny that a spiritual battle is not taking place? We must decrease so that He may increase.(troubles,)please people wake up ! Give credit to the one true God , because we are headed for a real rude awakening! and wonderland will not be the answer.going down the rabbit hole or seeking a rebirth out in the desert. The ancient people were so consumed with a sinnful life that they became thier own gods , the rising of the phoenix is a spiritual awaking from the source of all creation,TThe one true God of Creation!nnot mother nature , farher time or any other mystical theory or characteristics please wake up.
I don’t have a response to your comment, Ron. But I did want to make space for your words to be heard.
Rising from the ashes…this had been on my mind for the past three days. I have been chained and weighted down by extreme shame, loss, regret after losing my husband almost three years ago. I know I cannot change anything in my past. I want to transform my pain and start over. I still feel I am in the shadows. I want to rise from the ashes.
That is a beautiful beginning, Annette – to want to rise from the ashes. Start there, then inquire within to see what is needed to take the first step on your journey. Sending love and support….
Thank you for this post. It gives me hope. I have been dealing with a “situation” for about ten years now. In that time, I have tried over and over again to direct the outcomes. Through these efforts, I have become jaded and exhausted. I have also developed generalized anxiety from the years of stress. I am just now coming to the realization that I have to go with the flow and that the anxiety is trying to tell me something. I am not sure yet what that is but I am finally willing to listen.
I love hearing your story, Kelly. Thanks so much for sharing it. And good for you that you are in a place where you are willing to listen. And this is not to judge not listening as bad or wrong. It’s just a different reaction. But something has cleared inside you, and you are surrendering.
You are describing the journey. We go here and there, smooth sailing and rocky roads. I appreciate the effects of the stress, and I think you are on the right track by flowing and investigating what the anxiety might be offering you.
I wish you well…
Hi Gail,
You immediately caught my attention with the “rising phoenix” metaphor. It’s one of my favorites! I even keep a beautiful picture of a phoenix on my dream board at home as a reminder of what we are capable of…of burning through even the worst of times and rising from them renewed.
I truly appreciate your courage in sharing such a personal story of struggle. It’s easy to talk about happy times and tips for replicating them, but can be much more difficult to “open yourself to the lessons” of darker days. I truly believe that each of our experiences becomes more meaningful when we are able to share them with others. Suddenly your struggle is transformed into a greater purpose if it can be used to inspire, give hope to, or relieve the pain of others. Also, these are the types of experiences that allow us to better connect with and help others. About a year ago, I went through a difficult time myself and briefly met with a psychiatrists. I remember feeling a little weird about it at first, like only crazy people go to see psychiatrists. It felt especially ironic, since I’m studying psychology. However, something she said to me was very encouraging and actually made a lot of sense. What kind of psychologists would I be if I had never been in the trenches myself?
As another example, which sounds silly in comparison to the emotional pain that you were experiencing, but I’m in the middle of recovering from a tonsillectomy, which is a pretty physically painful experience…described as excruciating by some. While my own experience has been far from pleasant, it’s not been nearly as bad as some of the horror stories I’ve read online. I honestly think my mindset has a lot to do with that. I was very prepared going into the surgery and followed every possible tip I could find afterwards in the hopes that I could find a “solution” to the pain everyone was experiencing. I just keep thinking…let me stay positive and do this right so I can provide useful insights to others. So far, I’ve come up with some pretty good stuff to share. 🙂 (Sorry for the mini-derail, but I’m very excited to finally be re-imersing myself into the blogosophere after days of percocet-induced haze!)
P.s. I received a error message letting me know that your CommentLuv version needs updated. Just thought I’d pass that along. 🙂
Dear Adrienne,
Welcome to you, and thank you so much for this clear and heartfelt comment.
It sounds like you know how to mindfully and heart-fully usher yourself through challenges, and it’s beautiful, and inspirational, to hear.
And I appreciate your thoughts and experience about getting help. It’s one of the things I could get up on a soapbox about. People suffer alone and in silence, when just making that call or reaching out in some way can make all the difference. We resist our own feelings of vulnerability, and we have ideas about seeking help being weak or needing to go it alone. I wouldn’t have close to the clarity I have now if I hadn’t had teachers and guides along the way.
Thank you for this beautiful sharing….
I recently discovered this blog through the an old post “Every Moment is Fresh and New” I absolutely love this insight, but my mind is now trying to define freshness and newness and mystery and love. I`m not sure weather it wants to store them in memory to make me feel safe. Whenever I hear any of these words used in new, original ways I feel this indescribable bliss or I overflow with love, but just for a few hours, after that I go back to mind and try to revive that feeling. Sending you a warm hug.
A super warm hug right back to you, Cindy.
Something in you is awakening, and it’s beautiful to hear. And then the mind takes over, trying to understand, interpret, and control. Ultimately, all of these words – fresh, new, mystery, love – dissolve into that to which they are all pointing. Awareness, presence beyond and before mind. Then there is simply silence – effortlessly!
This is great, just what I needed today. The past few days/weeks we’ve experienced a series of unfortunate events 🙂
I’m grateful for the reminder to ‘go with the flow’ and allow things to take their course.
Thanks again!
I’m glad you got exactly what you needed today, Rachel.
Love to you…
I love the symbolism of the Phoenix. I felt like everything was going up in smoke at the end of 2004. I was 26 with a wife and a life to live and I was diagnosed with cancer. The Drs caught it early and after surgeries and chemo I was out on the other side and I was beat. But, the days went by and my strength returned. The world was more beautiful than I had ever known it before. There have been other small delimmas since, but 2004 gave me perspective and I learned many of the lessons you outlined at the end of your post. Thanks for sharing this post.
A warm welcome to you, David, and thank you so much for sharing this beautiful story of what has happened to you.
Yes, things go up in smoke sometimes. They – we – burn up. It’s a holy fire that has the potential of giving birth to just what you describe: “The world was more beautiful than I had ever known it before.”
I’m so happy for your healing and for the lessons you have integrated that help you meet every moment with a wide open heart. Thanks for inspiring all of us.
Thats life. We all go through natural cycles of light and dark but the intensity can get out of hand if we allow it to. Power comes in being awake to these passing cycles, kind of like the seasons, we need to know they are flowing past, if we swim against this flow, we will tire ourselves out and drown. Being in the flow we have the strength and presence of mind to move forward and see the good in both the light and dark cycles of life. Have a good one.
What beautiful clarity, Dan. I appreciate your sharing it.
I love that you say that “power comes in being awake to these passing cycles.” Swimming against the flow makes things harder, for sure. What I found in my recent experience is that part of the cycle was to resist. Then, when I woke up to the fact that I was resisting, I let myself resist because it was what was happening, and things eased – in the flow once again.
Yes, life offers light and dark and everything in between. Can we be lovingly awake to all of it?
Thanks so much for stopping by and for your comment.
There
I am sorry you were experiencing difficult times, Gail.
Four years ago, my life was unhappy, though everything looked great on the surface of it. In fits and starts, I plowed my way through various teachers and spiritual practices. What I have found most useful is living my life around a meditation practice.
The further I go, the more I find truth in the Buddha’s three characteristics of all conditioned objects, annica (impermanence), annata (no-self), and dukkha (unsatisfactoriness). The more we think we are dependent on life circumstances for happiness, the more we cling, crave, and repulse (is there a better word in English for this?), the unhappier we are.
Ironically, the less concerned I am with life circumstances, the better they seem to become. Still, I find it easier to let go when there is something better, that being the object of concentration practice. A scattered mind is an unhappy mind.
Wishing you peace and happiness.
Thank you so much, Mr. LK.
You speak about the ultimate truth, which is knowing who you are. When this is realized in totality, there is no more attachment to life circumstances for happiness, and all arisings are simply seen without any story that makes us cling or push away (or suffer).
My experience of myself and others, is that this realization takes some time to be complete. And each time of attachment and suffering is another opportunity to discover the possibility of freedom. Meditation is certainly a wonderful supportive practice to this realization.
I love talking about these matters because they (and peace and happiness) are truly the only thing that is important.
I always appreciate taking in your comments. Thank you.
I know there are sensations.
I know there are thoughts which conceive these sensations as fingertips on a keyboard.
I know there is a thought, “I am typing”.
I know there is a thought, “There is a mind which infers keyboard, fingertips, typing, from these sensations”.
I know there is a thought, “I am that which is aware of the thought”.
I know there is a thought, “I am that which is aware of the thought is yet another thought”.
I enjoy delving into these matters as well, but language is limited. Talk can only get you so far.
So true, Mr. LK. Who we are cannot be touched by words or explained by them. But everything – the words, the screen, the keyboard, the sensations – arise from the essence and dissolve back into it. And we remain – stable, clear, spacious, loving…
Thanks for sharing the valuable lessons you’ve learned. Mine don’t differ very much.
In the midst of the “dark” times, it is very easy to forget those lessons. We have a tendency to revert back to the fear response. But I think this is part of the joy in the crises – we are reminded. Each time we go through something challenging, we are reminded of these life lessons, which we might otherwise forget. For that I am thankful.
BTW…your site is giving an error about the version of CommentLuv you are using. It says you need to update the plugin.
I completely agree, Nea. We forget. And can we have compassion for ourselves in this forgetting? I love how you say that the joy in the forgetting is the remembering. That is exactly what I experienced. When I started to wake up out of the dream of suffering, I was so thankful.
You sound like you have used your crises well. Thanks so much for the inspiration.
And also thanks for telling me about commentluv. It should be fixed now.
Oh Gail, What bravery and love for life you show. It is not easy to through the haze of a terrible fog when it descends on us as I know very well myself. In fact I’ve just made a comeback post after an absence of 6 weeks while I tried to find my way out of the maze of denial. It is so true that once we finally accept what is happening and let the anger and resistance ‘drop from our shoulders’ if you know what I mean…that is when the healing and the rising from the ashes can begin. And what a beautiful dawning it is when that realization comes that we can and will go on…maybe badly scarred but more beautiful inside for it! Thank you for this honest and uplifting post.
Welcome to you, Rosemary.
Your comment makes me think of how useful it is to remember to have compassion for ourselves. Going through a tough time is not a mistake, it is just another arising, an offering from life. And even the resistance isn’t wrong.
For me the motivation was about re-discovering peace that I knew was there but just covered over. The beautiful dawning comes when it comes.
Thanks so much for your tender and wise comment.
Dear Gail – I’m glad to rediscover your blog – via a link posted on FB by Rosemary Hannan. I love the metaphor of the phoenix rising……and yes, I too have experienced the same feeling of complete and utter hopelessness. What made it worse is the knowledge that I had messed up and really badly at that. But when, deep down, we are committed to becoming better and making changes, as you rightly said ‘the clouds do part’. Looking back, I’m always filled with wonder and gratitude of how I made it ‘out’. The knowledge of ‘strength found’ truly empowers me to move on and make my life meaningful. Thank you for reminding me of my own journey. I feel renewed again…..
This is such a beautiful sharing, Corinne. Sometimes we do mess up, and there is something we need to learn. And it comes down to what we want, as you say, where our commitment lies.
The willingness to be completely honest is the key to discovering true happiness. I don’t want to leave one stone unturned in this regard, and it sounds like you don’t either.
Thanks so much for your comment, and for stopping by.
Gail,
This is beautiful. I’m sorry that you’ve gone through such a difficult period. At the same time, it’s wonderful to see the “reborn” you. The threads that run through this for me are self-acceptance and surrender. I’m very solution oriented myself, but as you point out you can’t push the river, it flows by itself. These are very deep and insightful lessons and I’m so grateful you have shared them here.
Hi Sandra,
I tried many solutions. All of them went nowhere because, as I eventually discovered, what was needed was self-acceptance and surrender.
I love this phrase: “you can’t push the river, it flows by itself.” This is a great reminder for all of us who try to control the uncontrollable.
Sending love…
I think we all go through different phases and when we’re feeling good, it’s more difficult to relate to those who feel depressed. At least that’s how I feel, until it’s my time to feel desperate and in need of help. I always find life surprising. It would be wonderful to always feel great about how we’re heading in a positive direction.
Hi Sonia,
It’s a challenge to keep our hearts open to everyone and everything. When life is sailing along smoothly, we live under the illusion that will last forever. I love how we can let ourselves be taken here and there. We get what we get, which makes life so rich.
And you are definitely one who lives life with gusto!
Love to you…
It is amazing and extremely unique how you manage to comment on each one of your reader’s comments.
I haven’t seen another blog that is able to personally engage their readers in such a way.
I really hope you drink in all of our thanks and give yourself credit for the very unique special way you are contributing to your reader’s lives.
Marie
Oh, thank you SO much, Marie. I’m drinking it in and am being filled up to overflowing.
So sweet of you…
Dear Gail,
Thankyou for sharing this story. What stands out for me is the power of a victorious spirit, an unconquerable spsirit.
Sometimes all we have left, at least it seems that way at times, is the trust or willingness to keep going no matter what, and you sure were true to your integrity in this example.
So happy to reconnect with you Gail. Love and blessings.
I love this comment, Chris. It speaks to our resilience, as you say so beautifully, “the power of a victorious spirit.”
Life wants us to be happy, to find our way out of the fire, to awaken.
Thanks for such loving support.
Gail, I am so happy that you stated that “resistance is natural”. I believe that in our society, which is filled with control mechanisms of all sorts, microwaved responses and reactions, we have been conditioned to think that we should be able to control our situations in the most efficient way in order to achieve our ultimate desired outcomes.
…and then we are disappointed when our ultimate desired outcome never happens.
Sometimes, we got to go through the fire. I have had a few experiences to realize that there will be situations in life where there is no way around the fire. Gotta go through it. Sometimes, I kick and scream a bit (it’s only natural), however, as I “just be” I remember that this process only serves to temper me… to strengthen me… to transform me into something powerful… into something that has the ability to positively affect others in the most significant ways as I share the discoveries of my journey with them.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Sending you hugs 🙂
Hi Ajen,
I’m a big fan of accepting what is, and if resistance is here, it only makes things worse to resist the resistance. But even that is OK too. The greatest healing comes through complete acceptance of everything as it is – even those experiences that don’t fit our belief systems or make us squirm.
Everything that comes our way holds the potential for transformation – even the fire.
I appreciate your sharing your wisdom and personal experience – hugs back to you…
hey gail,
am droppin through corinne’s blog. and i am so glad that i do drop by.
what u have written is so true and its something i am going through right now. i have now reached the phase where i know i dont have control over thinks. so i just pray that what ever life throws at me now i am able to take it in the best way possible.
i am back to doing the things that i love and thats helping me relax even all the more. now i am just waiting for the tide to cross over and for me to emerge out from the waters on to the shore.
that was a lovely read and couldnt come for me at a better time than now. so thank u for sharing your experience. because it has made my self reflections much more easier.
I am also so glad that you dropped by, Anila. And happy that this was the perfect post for you at this time.
I love your willingness to surrender – to accept what life throws at you, and to do the things you love, even if times are hard.
It helps everyone to hear people’s stories – thank you so much for sharing yours.
Sending love….
it is at times like these that u need an assurance.. i think its more to do with the thinking “why me” and “what’s next”. but when u hear ppl like ur self sharing their experiences.. that gives u the courage making u feel “guess what i’m overcome it what ever it may be.”
thanks once again.
take care . lots of love
Hi Anila,
When we start taking responsibility, being conscious in our lives, things begin to transform. We can’t control circumstances or other people, but we can take a look at our reactions and set the stage for change.
Thanks so much for your comment.
Lots of love to you…
It’s so true that when you’re in the thick of things, you can’t see a way out. But once you do manage to get out, you realize that it’s these hard times that make the best part of the person you are. Best of luck.
Welcome to you, Kristy.
Your comment is so clear and so succinct. This is true for sure – we learn from the hard times.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Oddly enough I was searching through my old favorites list in my browser trying to find something to change my mind…and I stumbled across this website I had bookmarked over 1 year ago.
Anyway, I am going through hell and have been for nearly a year. Previously extremely successful business man with nearly everything going well to losing jobs, income and facing foreclosure in a few weeks. Completely overwhelmed and I can find no hope in anything.
Like you, I’ve kept up eating healthy and going to the gym regularly and I’m sure it’s helped to some extent but nothing I’ve noticed.
I’m hoping this abyss is ending and that I may recover and, at the very least, go back to some sort of normalcy. I’m not looking for my old life back but I’d like to be able enjoy my infant daughter and my 10 year old daughter. I’d like to be able to not have creditors calling me 24/7, I’d like to be able to find a job instead of being so overwhelmed and burnt out that I can barely get out of bed. This is hell and I’m truly hoping, praying and dreaming I come out of this like the Phoenix.
Regardless, I found your post helpful and it gave me some hope.
Thank you.
Dear Stressed,
I so appreciate that you wrote and described your situation. I feel your fear and despair. I have no magic words to offer you, but I do know about the resilience of the human spirit. And I know that things happen in their own time and often have little to do with our need to control.
I, and I imagine lots of people who read these posts, are walking with you in support.
Much love to you…
This is just lovely, Gail, and exactly what I needed right now. I’m in the midst of my own darkness, and your sharing and suggestions are enormously helpful. I’m working on remembering joy in the middle of it all– will have to make that “want-to-do list” this weekend! Thank you so much for sharing your ideas and experiences with the world.
Hi and welcome, WT,
I love how we find exactly what we need, and I’m glad this post spoke to you. We can get consumed by our difficulties – and finding those cracks where joy can seep out can make all the difference.
Oceans of support to you…
Hi Gail! This is the first time I’ve been to your site, I was searching for the meaning of Phoenix Rising. For the same reasons you mentioned I feel my life has mirrored the end of the 100 year life of the Phoenix and I’m on the verge of the rebirth & rising. I so appreciate thinking of the difficult times being the winter seasons of our lives. In that context I realized I’ve had far more Spring, Summer and Autumn seasons. What a fabulous outlook you gave me for this Winter season of my life. Thank you, Darlene
Welcome to you, Darlene! So glad you found us here at A Flourishing Life.
You are on the verge of rebirth and rising? Then you have wonderful, unknown things to look forward to. Spring, summer, and autumn have their own delights, but we tend to deny winter its due. Only by experiencing winter can the spring burst forth.
Happy blooming!
Boy Gail, what a wonderful blog to read tonight. Hey, those curve balls, when they come, can really knock us off balance, at least that’s what has happened to me.
It’s taken everything in the last few days, just to keep going. Reading your blog, reminds me of the truth that we DO come thru the other side, but when its like this, it just can’t come fast enough.
I love the list you’ve shared and have printed it out as a loving reminder to myself.
Two items in on the list jumped out in particular. Don’t pretend you know what you don’t know.
Feeling bad isn’t wrong – it’s just how things are sometimes.
What is it about us, that I feel I’ve got to have an answer and be able to work it all out, right now, when craziness is unfolding?
I did have an insight today, in amongst it all. That life is transforming and having EVERYTHING that no longer serves me in my life, leave, seemingly all at once. But in a way, that I can’t help but get the message. Here’s the message…..
When your instincts tell you it doesn’t feel right, WALK AWAY. Not only is it ok to walk away, its vital. The lesson, use this to discern who I allow into my close inner circle of friends and especially as a partner.
I feel like one of those birthday candles that doesn’t blow out, continuously igniting at the moment. Reading your blog, had me take a deep breath and give into the combustion. Burn, baby burn…..cause it reminds me, I will rise up from this.
Funny, my connection with you came after searching for ‘phoenix rising from the ashes’ on google, following an intuitive nudge.
It’s encouraging to see, how you sharing your coming thru your own difficult time, has really helped me tonight. I know I’m soon to share my journey of recovery from my stroke, which is still in progress.
Your an inspiration, in gratitude.
Love Satina
Dear Satina,
So great to see you over here at A Flourishing Life!
Your comment is brimming with insights – I can see you are making good use of this time – even though it might be painful. If I could say one more thing, it would be, “Relax.” Everything will take care of itself in its own time. We love to fix and know and have control, but sometimes we just can’t. Relaxing can ease the stress and tension.
So much support to you on your journey. Sending love…
The Phoenix is a resurrection story written when people lived 137 years and the last man Nimrod (Narmer) had died in Egypt who was 500 years old. The Phoenix (pronounced Venus) is said to be the rising bird, but it is the rising sun below it that is in ASH (Leo or lion) not Venus. So the story is not about its death but its rebirth. Thank you for the 100 years because it verifies connection to the Great Pyramid’s intent to measure 100 years. Nimrod was born 100 years after the Flood, started the pyramid when he was 100 (thus 200 after Flood), it failed one chamber per 100 years (92 years thrice until Babylon’s 1st king in 1894bc), and then he died in year 600 (1770bc) when he was 500. I guess that makes four Phoenix, i only had three. The 500-year Phoenix (which is correctly a half-cycle of 600 years, then 1460-year is not Sothis 365 leap days in 310bc but rather 1458-year Venus in 312bc (6x 243 year per point of 1215-year pentacle), and then the 270 years from Nimrod’s birth to winter solstice death of Reu in 2000bc mistaken as years of 360 days (97,200 days translated as 97,200 years). So thanks for your 100-year version. PS.Armageddon is here, survive it you’ll meet everyone resurrected, they are not in heaven.
Hi Elijah,
Wow, thank you for all of these amazing facts. So glad you stopped by.
Dear Gail
Its never too late, thank to you i read this blog unknowingly. And the best part of it is that, it looks kind of my story. I have still not overcame my defeats still struggling but now i got a new hope. A ray to ignite my unfulfilled wishes and i am damn sure now it will drag the success to me. I used to believe in the core idea of phoenix but i lost it somewhere in the middle of my extremely brutal journey. Thank you again for those 10 points. They are not just conclusion but like 10 life for distress,fatigued,tormented,depressed,misguided souls.
Thank you.
Welcome to you, Rishant. So glad you found this article helpful and that you again can feel the possibility of the phoenix rising.
Sending love and support…
The most amazing thing happened to me tonight and I believe it is a sign. I watched a movie by myself called Aftershock, it was a movie about an earthquake obviously, it was a tear jerker. After watching for 2hr and 15 min, they posted their thank you’s for the film and it said “Like a Pheonix Rising from the Ashes”. I never in my life heard this before. I thought, hmmm what does that mean? Anyway, I put on reruns of something mindless after enduring such a powerful movie, and as they watched a house burn to the ground, they realized that the person wasnt in it and they said “Like a Pheonix Rising from the Ashes”. I was in shock. How could I hear this withing 15min of each other. I had to look it up.
I clicked on this blog and it was like my light bulb moment. All your words you wrote came to fruition for me. It was like It was in my head and I was reading what I have been feeling for so long.
I too have been through a rollercoaster the past 7 yrs and for the first time in a long time, I am happy again. Im letting go of my guilt and depression which has plagued me and learning to forgive and love myself again. It has been a long road.
I believe everything happens for a reason, my guardian angel gave me a sign out of no where with that one quote which led me to you Ms Brenner. This was no coincidense in my book. Thank you for opening my eyes when I needed to reflect my accomplishments of self healing and confirm that Im OK.
Thank you so much for writing, Monica, and sharing this amazing story. You are being guided by the benevolence of life so clearly.
You are the phoenix rising from the ashes, as I was several months ago. This is how it seems to go – the intensity of the burn gives way to the arising of something fresh and new. I am so happy to hear that you are happy again. And I’m thrilled that you found your way here. May your journey continue and be fruitful for you.
Love to you…
Add to my previous comment. (1200-year cycle of rising Venus when the sun is in Ash /Leo). The date is 1770bc July 10. It is year 1200 of Noah (2970-1770bc) and 250 years after Noah died. The Maya mistake it as the king of Babylon in Adams year 3600 (2256+Naohs 1344 from Flood 3114bc) and the Moslem as 8 years earlier 1778bc July 12 also as king of Babylon in Adams 3600 (Noahs 1344 from Flood 3122bc). Both are Venus, but the true one is 1770bc because that July 10 is the Tamuz (sun cross over Mars) which marks Nimrod dead at 500 as the last person of longevity. Average age then was 137, no one was 200 nor 300 nor 400. It was assumed that bad people do not live that long, and so his ways became our religions.
Great article Gail. Keep writing and keep inspiring!!
Thanks so much. And welcome to you!
Hello!
I really liked ur story,as i m going through a traumatic phase too, I was married 2 years ago and 7 months back i lost my husband in an accident. i tried rushing him to the hospital but all efforts were futile. i go through all sort of emotions and then try making best out of the situations. i have a good friend circle and family that keeps me up for all the upcoming times. i know what u wanna say when u say that just ride on with the waves. try feeling blessed for all that is there ,rather than what is not.
thanks for such a nice story.
bye
Thanks so much for writing, Poonam. I am very sorry for the loss of your husband.
As you know, it takes some time, but it sounds like you are slowly rising out of the ashes. I’m happy for you that you have strong family and friends, and that you are focusing on feeling blessed for what you have.
All my best to you…
This article is so beautifully written that I could not stop myself reading it 3 times back to back. I haven’t been in the best of times recently but my friends have got me going through the phase rather smoothly. But the worst time of the day is when I get up in the morning and feel the emptiness…it is a terrible feeling…nothing much anyone can do at that time as you are alone…but today I happen to read this in the morning…so it was just a kick start I needed for the day. Thank you.
A warm welcome to you, Sudhanshu.
It sounds like for you morning is the time when the story of aloneness starts running. Maybe you can be so kind and loving toward yourself, that the story doesn’t even fit. And if it comes, let it be there without getting too involved. You are planting seeds for a rebirth. The phoenix will rise from the ashes…
So much love and support to you…
this to the phoenix was giving to my spirit after losing my husband in my nest that burn was my soulmate, friends, career, all burn thats well with my soul(let it be let it be) I AM LISA SHALL RISE AGAIN THIS TIME MORE POWERFUL AS ONENESS WITH THE SUN OR RESURRECTION SON.
I hear your song of rising up, Lisa. You sing it so beautifully, so powerfully! From the ashes of the burn of all attachments comes the realization of oneness, life itself.
Keep singing, my friend…
Thank you for your story. My nickname from friends over the years has been The Phoenix and I just went through another one of the at least dozen episodes of my life crumbling around me. I learned the single most important lesson of my life from losing the one woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with due to what I have found is my severe codependency. Your lessons are the same ones I’ve come to realize. I have always hoped that I could finally learn some lessons slowly over time by working and focusing but I have come to also realize that I must embrace being a phoenix instead of fighting it. If it is my way then it is my way. This lesson is one I’ve been trying to learn my whole 40 years of life. I am devastated still but the level of thanks and gratitude that I came away with more than balances the pain. Tonight was a goodbye and I feel glad that I came upon your post. It is timely and helps.
I hope all the best for you and may we all continue to grow and become our authentic selves.
I’m so moved by your comment, Chris. Thanks so much for sharing what has happened for you.
The lesson you mention is huge – recognizing that there is severe codependency. That recognition invites you to investigate the truth of the matter. Is there really something missing inside you? Does the other really need the help and support you think you are there to give? This is such a rich area of exploration to learn to stay grounded in yourself.
Not fighting change and loss – now that is wisdom. So much easier to move with rather than against.
Thank you for your beautiful prayer – that we may all continue to become our authentic selves. Much love to you…
Thanks. Just went through the hardest time of my life. When reading this post it felt as if I was writing it myself. Strong words of inspiration.
Welcome to you, Dan. You’ve been planting seeds, and they’re starting to sprout. Enjoy this time of opening…
Gail, I would like to thank you for the lovely and powerful image of the phoenix rising from the ashes. I had a dream 4 nights ago that felt very prophetic and important. In it I walked past a mound of earth that was smoldering. I was curious as was the person traveling with me. We both continued past it, but I felt this strong pull to turn and move towards it. I waved my hand over it and it started to stir. Suddenly a bird emerged that looked identical to the bird in your image with one exception. It was blue in color. It rose up and I felt exhilerated. That’s when I woke up with the dream very vivid in my mind. I haven’t been able to quit thinking about it for days. Today I started a search to find out what it might mean. That’s how I found your site and the amazingly familiar image. I just wanted to say thank you.
I’ve been going through so much lately and i really don’t know how to explain what im going through because its in within me and its hard for me to explain. I decided to reaserch “The Pheonix rising from the ashes” out of nowhere but i did and the stuff i have been going through seemed to find an answer to itself and im very glad that i found this. Thank you!!
I am so happy for you, Yohannes. You are not alone in what you are going through. These times come to all of us, and it becomes a matter of how we meet them. Like the phoenix, you will rise. The dark times are when seeds are planted. They may not grow for a while, but let life unfold, and the treasures are yours.
A confirmation of strong emotional feelings good or indifferent. We must not deny them to learn a lesson to continue to rise (ascend) Thank you.
Welcome to you, Abuna.
Right on about feelings. Good not to entrap them by ignoring or denying them or worship and wallow in them. The middle path is to feel them as is, see what they are made of, and they dissolve naturally.
Love to you…
I really enjoyed reading your blog, it gave some great reminders that I needed to hear today! I stumbled on your blog by accident while getting ideas for my first tattoo, a phoenix… After being raped 17 months ago I feel like I have certainly been through the fire .I want the phoenix tattoo as a reminder, that no matter how hot the fire, how hard and hopeless life can seem there is ALWAYS hope, and from the ashes a beautiful and stronger YOU can arise 🙂 God bless, and thank you!!!
Jessica, my heart is singing with you for your triumph! You are a beacon of what is possible – the rising up and the reminder of this possibility.
Thank you for sharing here. In deep love and great support….
I just got done reading all the mail on your blog and am amazed on what support that you give. Every word had some kind of meaning for me. Inspirational and a learning experience. I appreciate what everyone had said and the response that you gave. I have a mental illness and with all my support one more..or more is very acceptable. The phoenix was and is a story that I can relate to every day of my life, because I feel that way of changes during that time. Thank-you to the readers and yourself Gail. God be with each of you. diane
So glad you found your way here, Diane. Sending love to you…
Sure and True, the content in ‘Like a Phoenix Rising from the Ashes’ is not a learning for the day, it is learning for days to come. Inspiring, revolutionary, insight and a model of life. It gave thought as to how deal with problem and also how to be dealt by problems.
I’m so glad you found this article inspiring, Sridhar – and even revolutionary!! I appreciate that you view it not as a quick fix, but as a way of living.
When we surrender into the flow of life wherever it takes us – which flows anyway if we surrender or not – all blessings are known.
Pain, Loneliness, heartbreak, these are only a few of the disasterous conditions that lead my mind to seperate from my body. Phycotic, phycosis.. Travelling to the very depths of hell, where pain and torment seemed unending. Ridicule began when I was just a youngster, abandoned in a well while my Father ran for help and never returned. Not knowing the jist of the tail… I believed he lied when he said he would be right back. Never knowing that the Irish Angel I was talking to while in there was in fact none other than my first split self. Abandoned lonely hungery and dissatisfied with my living quarters, lets call them.. left me no choice but to abandon all hope and go to the place of ever lasting torment where ones mind is permanently disabled. How does one rise?
Hi Echoed Rising,
Welcome to you and thank you for coming here and sharing your story. As crazy as it might sound, the key to rising is to move beyond the story. What you describe is horrific, and since you experienced it, it has lodged in your mind and body. But this is not the past – this here is now, right now. And it is full of possibility.
The path for you is to begin to learn to lose interest in your thoughts. They have been coming for a long time, and you have a habit of identifying yourself with them. Take a look at this post for some ways to do that. Then begin to meet all the physical sensations in your body. They might be very uncomfortable, but the more you embrace this aspect of your experience, the more at ease you will be.
I’m not saying this is an easy fix at all. But I absolutely know who you really are – not the limited one with the horrible story. You are brilliance itself, shining everywhere, oozing with love and creativity. You are whole and always have been before anything happened. Try that on for size, be diligent about addressing the thought and feeling patterns that get in the way, and discover peace in this very moment.
So much love and support to you…
It feels like you are talking to my soul….I am walking through a dark path….
Welcome Manaleli. You have the capability of rising, as it is your essential nature.
Love to you…
Because of a breakup and wanting to end my life– (this is a normal thought for me)
I thought I would write a book before I went — which is also normal for me. The title, “As I Lay Dying,” seemed approprate to me. To tell the story from the deathbed– confessions of a “saint” . I looked up the title and lo it has already been taken. Then I saw an image of one laying in the ashes- forged with metal— and I saw the situation as a Phoenix Rising. writing on facebook.. “sometimes our metal is forged in the furnace of affliction.”
Then I looked up Phoenix Rising– it too has been taken– then I just looked up Phoenix images and somehow I got here..
so maybe, I just needed to read your blog.
Feel the emotions. That’s hard. Thank you for your blog.
A big hug to you, Tammy.
Just because titles have been taken doesn’t mean that you don’t have something awesome and valuable to share. And it sounds like your search is bringing you just what you need.
Yes, feel emotions, even if it’s hard, but don’t get bogged down by them. Emotions are actually physical sensations in the body with an unhappy story attached. Let the story go, and just feel what is present in the moment. This is how to be so nurturing to yourself – to allow it all without pushing anything away. You might be surprised at how light you are when you hitch your stories to a helium balloon and let them float away.
Gail,
I landed at your post when looking up the spelling of the word… Phoenix. 🙂
I was using it to describe a lady named, Terri St.Cloud.
https://www.facebook.com/bonesigharts
I LOVE this post !!!!!
A warm welcome to you, Deb! Thanks for coming by.
This post came at a time right after having a brutally honest conversation with a family member in the midst of my own burning nest. All of these words spoke to my spirit and I could actually breathe. To know its actually ok to feel bad and not have it all figured out and to not know when you may actually figure it out. To trust in the process… This was such an inspiration to me. Thank you!! I’ve book marked this for quick return and pick me ups!
Welcome to you, Natarsha. I love that you realize you don’t have to figure it all out. That is so much pressure, and the medicine is trust. Life brings us exactly what is needed. Love to you…
Hey Gail
I just stumbled upon your brilliant stuff by accident and am so grateful for it.Your writing oozes oodles of positivity and just browsing through it is so uplifting. Believe me you are bringing about miraculous metamorphoses in uncountable lives. God Bless you.
So sweet to hear from you, Manjeet. Thank you so much for your comment. Love to you…
Thank you ♡Gail for your sharing,
3 weeks ago our family home of 35 years was totally destroyed by a raging and uncontrollable bushfire which altogether destroyed 55 homes and 100s acres of bushland….
Things are still incredible raw for us….
Life feels like a long road of bleakness and hard work right now……..
Not only was our family home destroyed but also our 5 acres of bushland and also all our business and office equipment and supplies and materials which was set up at home.
So much work just to clean up let alone the next step after that……..
We keep getting comments from people about the Phoenix rising from the ashes so I thought I had better Google it and find out its meaning. I was led to your blog.
I appreciate reading your learnings…
They make much sense.
Gratefully, Susie♡
So much loss at one time, Susie! My heart goes out to you, your family, and your community.
This is an opportunity to be oh, so present – to do the next thing that is right in front of you, and to take very good care of yourself as best as you can.
And remember, there are always seeds planted (maybe hidden) in the ashes.
I love that you are searching for a way to understand what happened. The Phoenix will rise…
In love and support…
I’m grateful I came across this post, it was something I needed to see at this time in my life. Thank you so much for sharing!
So glad you found it helpful, Stephanie…
“Let things happen.
•Give up trying to control.
•Don’t pretend you know what you don’t know.
•Stay close to what you know is true in the moment.
•Feeling bad isn’t wrong – it’s just how things are sometimes.
•Take good care of yourself.
•Engage with others.
•Reach out for support.
•When the time is right, feel the emotions.
•Get perspective – learn what not to do next time.”
Thank you!
You are most welcome, SD! Glad you found these helpful.
It is very good speech , I so glad to know this experience ..
I met like that circumstances and suffered greatly .. But I restored my will to continue my life happily , The best thing that this problems and Obstacles made me stronger ❤
Thanks so much for your comment, Asma. Obviously, challenging life circumstances push us to figure out how to cope. I’m glad you’ve found that, in the end, obstacles make you stronger.
Good afternoon….
Currently I am at or near the lowest point of my life….I am dealing with a couple of major life crises at the moment and have had days when it’s so hard to even get up and out of bed as I know these elephants are still in the room with me.
Daily I ask God for even a small ray of hope that at some point, this will all be resolved and settled and I can then live my life in peace and happiness.
Today, this is my ray of hope. I know that, like the phoenix, I too will rise from the fires and ashes of adversity and arise again, reborn and renewed.
Thank you for being my ray of hope today.
TM
Humans are naturally resilient, TM. There are seeds being planted – right now – for your growth and renewal.
Forget the big picture, and take it one moment at a time. That is where you’ll find some peace.
So much love coming your way….
Hello Gail,
Your advice on how to move on sank right into my heart. I have also been trying to move on for the last couple of years. The hardest part is still meeting with friends as everyone has got their own lives and don’t want to know much about my pain.
I was with someone in unhealthy relationship. After three years of blindness I cut it off sharp and never allowed to reunite although I still loved him. I’ve tried ever since to build my life afresh, but I seemed to fail. Lost the job, my son struggled with anxiety due to adhd and autism. To increase my suffering I saw the ex with his new gf and it hurt to find out he treats her better than me. Nevertheless, I still tried to go on. Only recently I found a new job and l’m looking forward to counselling course in September. I just wish I had some more friends I can talk to and not to feel so alone. I don’t know what it is about me but just after few words people lose interest.
Anyway, I just want to say thank you for uplifting words.
Anna
Hi Anna,
Good for you for getting out of an unhealthy relationship! Yes, it was painful, but it’s time to move on. I’m glad to hear that things are starting to look up for you with a new job and your education. But let’s go further.
Instead of focusing on problems and what you lack, maybe you can try to turn it around. Instead of focusing on wanting friends, be the absolute best friend possible. Rather than wanting love, love others with all your heart. Put out into the world what you want, and that will be your experience. When you live in lack and pain, you get more lack and pain. When you love fully, with great abundance, then your life will be filled with love.
My life parallels yours Anna. And i’ve met so many women who’ve had that experience. That betrayal. As Gail says, it happens to everyone. in different forms. but your particular combination is mythic, i believe. i was also hit with the trifecta– a bad marriage, my son disappearing into Autism, and losing my job. if that wasnt’ enough i fell in love another man who broke my heart. he sent me to the beach to get rid of these feelings for him. i cursed him that day as i walked onto the sand. i just want him to go away, to forget him. because the pain from this was too much to bear. but as i looked out at the ocean i started to laugh, an was filled with the most extraordinary joy i had ever experienced. like fairy dust from on high. and the world became magnificent. the laughter lasted for seven days, every time i stepped onto that beach. i’ve held onto that feeling thru meditation. stayed in that high vibration, and healed. and so has my son, in great part. these events in our lives are an invitation to a remarkable journey. I’m beginning to sense that everything in our lives – from hurricanes to heartache — are a call from the Higher Self to take this journey. Our injuries, our hurts, tragedies, disappointments, illnesses, heartbreak, pain, unemployment, betrayals, all of it – are nothing less than a call from God. That there is Divinity in our worst nightmare. That it’s all a call. That we’re all the Prodigal. On a Divine Mission. Wasting our inheritance. Dining with Swine. That we’re all in this together, finding our way back to God. Everyone playing their role. Including Mr. Heartbreaker. especially him. go somewhere beautiful and cry this pain out — blow it out. and breathe in love. let it heal you. and close your eyes and a power and a love and a joy will begin to move thru you. do it everyday. and you will change. your life will change. and do it with your son. as mine would say, “Check it!” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojTVzx3vS-Y
Hang in there girl.
Real friends listen and will speak the truth in love. That’s what you need.
Maybe your ex never really wanted to lay his life down for you? That’s what women want. They want someone who will stick with them no mater what happens.
When the chips are down then you find out who your friends really are including your ex!
Dear Anna,
Although we don’t know each I’ve been where you are oh so recently’.
You are not alone! I’m offering to be a friend through email, pen pal or whatever method you choose.
Please consider.
Jocelyn
A Rising Phoenix
Hallo. After the age of 22-23 and a series of panic attacks, I am living in a constant state of fear …everywhere and everytime…Especially, now with the internet and all the search machines, one can be driven absolutely crazy, only by reading stuff…now, if that someone has a phobia in general for illness…even worse…I know I have to make fear my friend, I guess I can see why most people locate the strenght of fear in the meaning everyone has given to it in general.That we should be terrified of it. All I want to say is that after many years (I am 38 now) I feel many times exhausted , I have been avoiding things and situation, but I will try to do my best, I will try to love myself even more and not hating it or feel inferior for feeling this way and finally wish to get over it. If you have any extra tips to throw (gad symptom !! for reassurance) or another article, I would be most pleased to read it.
Hi Mara,
Little by little, you start to get to know fear so it stops being your enemy. I recently wrote a series on fear which includes a video with a guided practice. You can find them here in the archives – they are the four articles from Oct 23-Nov 4 of this year. Apply what you read to your own experience so you realize the living possibility of finding space from the fear.
The best thing you can do is relax around the fear. Be curious about it, what is it exactly? Wishing you well on your journey…
Thank you for your reply. My wishes and thoughts are with all of us that life brought us such mental suffering, I have always considered it pointless, now I know that it exists, for reasons I have to find out.
Merry Christmas & a Happier New Year 2015 for ourselves firstly..
I recently walked away from my third round of chemotherapy and after seven years of chemo and radiation and PET scans and Dr. Visits I decided it was time to heal my way and on my terms. So very liberating and so right for me. Bless their hearts for trying but they would have killed me. My brother labeled me a “phoenix rising from the ashes” and that’s what prompted me to look up your site.
Thank you,
Nancy
I hear your fire, Nancy! It’s the fire for truth, your truth. May you live it gloriously!
Only a couple of days ago, my seemingly perfect life burst at its seams and I watched my husband of 11 years drive away. It’s a very tough place to be in since we have been together since we were in university (basically we were just kids) and this could have been avoided if we both tried to tended more carefully to our relationship, but we didn’t, and here we are now. I know, I can’t change the past, but I can work on the future. I don’t want to cling onto any hope that he will change his mind because truthfully, he is right and we could be so much more if we have a chance to grow without each other, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I’m perfectly aware that I must “be like the phoenix”; burn, reset and rise from the ashes. It’s the burning that is painful. Very hard to let go of 11 years of hopes and dreams for two and start thinking only of myself. Thank you for your beautifully written post, it makes me realize the value of this pain I feel.
You are right in the fire, Rose. And most of us have been there in one way or another. From what you say, it sound like so far, at this early stage, you will use it well. Yes, it’s hard, and that’s the nature of it. Let things unfold in their own time.
Sending love and support to you…
Thank you for your reply Gail! Now, a month and a half later, I already am starting to feel much much better and remembering what a great person I am on my own. Now that I don’t have to answer to another, I can do whatever I want and fulfill the dreams I was hesitating to go after. I am being reborn from my ashes and I thank you for helping me realize the value of the burning. P.S: also a huge fan of Rumi and there are many parallels between his philosophy and your advice! “The wound is where the light gets in” -Rumi
Beautiful, Rose! Thanks for letting us know how you’re doing. The seeds are sprouting!
Hi,Rose please don’t give up hope.the best marriage counselor, is right in both of your hearts.Jesus Chrisr,I guarantee that if you n your husband unite under the faith of the eternal life of love Christ himself.you donot need to join any man operating church,for Christ is the church,just get a bible , pray for forgiveness, repentance to repent of past n future transgressions, have remorse,bbe held accountable 4 ones actionns,ask Christ for forgiveness blessing for strength accept Christ is the 1st step in renewing anyone of our immoral acts,bdonot forget we’re born into sin remember the story of Adam n they thought they did no longer need the one true God of all Creation ,tso u n your husband can reinstate 1 2 1 relationship with the 1 true Savoir,but u have to open your hearts,and love him with the fear of losing what u r now experiencing! no other thing of this world will completely repair what is broken,fallen angels n thier con jobs (deception) remember these beings rebelled against the 1 true GODhat is why the world in such bad shape they corrupted everything,the illuminated ones don’t believe me go on u tube n search this stuff out .THE LORD SAID 4 THEE R IN THE WORLD DON’T BE PART OF IT,donot be decieved by man , when you reached a real relationship with Lord CHRIST you will not be able to believe the love u will receive, just ask him.also you find yourself inno need of this world besides that our fellow created human beings are where u so donot give up just yet,,things will happen gradually! the darkside (evil -demonic beings) donot whant 4 u 2 b they want us to curse CHRIST so we call upon them.that was the issues of the ancient people. That is where all the mystical crap evolved,trust in CHRIST N NOT in MAN as 4 solution 2 our Problems.
Remember the devil is real the wolf in sheeps clothing.oclothing.of course don’t believe me but believe the one that loves us 4 HE SENT HIS ONLY SON SO WE CAN BE SAVED=JESUS CHRIST,BE SAFE N VERY HAPPY
so I pray that in good faith this will reach u n your husband, see we forgot him in our daily lives n seek other avenues 2 happiness, not until he will come again, which will be soon,I bet you feel something is going on but just not sure what, well CHRIST IS CALLING US , THREW MANY WAYS SO BEFORE IT IS 2 LATE RETURN THE CALL u will be amazed. Amen
I love your comments. I am a christian and I am going through a similiar situation but I just keep pressing in closer to Jesus to sustain me through a very difficult time in my life.
Sheila
FAITH LOVE PEACE AND HAPPINESS IS WITH YOU ALL STAY STRONG AND DO WHATS RIGHT.
Hi Gail………Your comments, statements and stories are very uplifting to me. Please feel free to let me know your thoughts after reading my short (I tried) message.
I have been going thru a very tough time in my marriage. About every 5-6 years my husband becomes unbearable and wants a divorce. We have hired attorneys each time, but he always decides that he doesn’t want to go thru with it. Last time was in 2008. I know he uses it as a form of manipulation to get me to do things as he wants them done. When I don’t, he always responds with a drastic move of manipulation.
My husband and I have been married 33 years and it seems he has been cheating off and on over the past 3-4 years. There have been many things over the past year that have pointed in that direction (men seeking men activity on Craigslist, changed email passwords, shaving his private areas, total wardrobe change…..you name it he’s done it). I have tried to allow him his life changes but It is just within the past few months that I have decided I’ve had enough and can’t allow some things to continue so I brought it up. Of course, he denied it all and played really dumb with the facts I presented him, always finding an excuse as to why, or it was a “joke”.
I have found in my marriage, that my husband chose to have affairs and one night stands for many reasons. None of which really had anything to do with me. “He” wanted more sex……. “He” wanted to be with someone that didn’t remind him that his children had not lived up to his dreams of “perfect”…….”He” wanted to have sex with someone that didn’t show signs of child bearing….”He” wanted to keep his marriage intact so he wouldn’t lose any assets…..”He” was looking for admiration of other women….. of course that is not all but you get the picture.
His consideration for me in his actions was nonexistent. Had he considered the facts that I too wanted to have more exciting sex and was bored? I too wanted our children to achieve their dreams without having to fall prey to their fathers demands on what they should be or he wouldn’t support their efforts. I too wanted my body to look like it did prior to having OUR three children. I too worked hard at supporting our family, raising our children and bringing home a portion of the bacon. I too wanted to get flowers and be wined and dined so I could admire my husband for his wonderful efforts at wanting to make me feel special.
I try so very hard to look past the selfishness, narcissism, ego, greed and realize his character is flawed as well as mine (not that much). I ask myself, who told him it was okay to rip my heart out and leave me feeling like a worthless POS while he’s out having a great time with other women (or men – which is extremely difficult to have those thoughts in my head). I try so hard to see the man I married 33 years ago and forgive him for the pain he has caused our family with his lying, cheating and manipulating as well as numerous other acts of deceit so I can move on and continue to work on this marriage. But it is not coming easy to me.
When I tried to discuss these issues with him, he said he didn’t want a divorce, but he continues to deny the affairs have taken place and “doesn’t remember” “any” of the incidences I brought up. His response was very matter of fact and that I was crazy.
How do I move forward with someone I cannot trust to be honest with me and help me move forward. How can you work on a marriage with someone that will not admit to their faults but will certainly point out every one of yours.
I love my husband so very much, but am finding it almost unbearable to be a part of this marriage without the trust and commitment on his part. It is no wonder we are so weak in our thoughts and lack self esteem that we can’t stand up to them. It’s unfortunate we cannot believe the one person that makes a promise to love, honor and cherish us for all time. It’s so very sad that that person cannot love us enough to be honest and just tell us they aren’t happy and they want to move on in their life before they destroy our self image and break our spirit. But he still doesn’t want a divorce….. I wonder why that is??
I’m trying to take your advise and build myself back up. I am reaching for the strength I need to either get out or stand my ground. I have decided to give it one last chance before I throw in the towel, however, I have also decided I will no longer allow him to manipulate me. I told him I will not remain in a marriage where I am not loved by my husband or in a marriage of convenience (which would be his). I will not, I will not, I will not!!
Thank you for your words of encouragement and I hope that if the day comes I am faced with the act of leaving, I can still reach out to you and those like you for that strength I will so desperately need. I pray that day never comes, but I have been with this man since I was 15 years old and I fear he will not change.
Hi Mary,
I hear strength in your words – you may be stronger than you think you are.
You ask: How do I move forward with someone I cannot trust to be honest with me and help me move forward. How can you work on a marriage with someone that will not admit to their faults but will certainly point out every one of yours.
The answer is you can’t make someone work on a marriage. But you can absolutely work on yourself. Start by telling yourself the truth, which you have done so clearly in your comment. See this man for who he is, recognize that he is unlikely to change, and begin to look within at the places where you are stuck.
Why are you giving him one last chance? As you describe, he has been very consistent over the years. Since you told him you will not remain in a marriage of convenience, at some point, when you are ready, in the name of truth and authenticity, you will stand by these words in your behavior.
Do everything you can now to begin building your strength. Then let truth guide you.
Sending love and support…
I was just in the process of writing a talk for the 7day Zen retreat I’m leading. I wanted to use the story of the Phoenix and did some research on the Net … and found this lovely post, Gail.
So nice to reconnect by fortuitous accident!
Great to hear from you, Mary! Wishing you a beautiful retreat…
Today, 10th April, 2015, about minutes after four I had a dream of which the words, ‘ as the phoenix raised from the ashes so will you’. I spent all afternoon into evening trying to find where the quote came from. Finally I found you.
My name is Carolann and I have seen much hardship for my 44 years of life.
However, I’ve managed to lift myself and am the mother of three, two girls and a boy, he’s the youngest and I am married.
My marriage in 2007 after what seems like a fairytale fell apart from infidelity on my husband’s part.
The worst came in 2010 Dec., when we were arrested and charged five days later with treason. A student I’d taught and held as a son, allowed himself to be used by an enemy of my husband from the army he served.
I spent 15 months and five days in prison, separated from my school, students and my children.
Returning hasn’t been the easiest, my watching my husband loose everything, my business shrink in population and trying to live on a single income of less with the same responsibilities hasn’t been easy.
Many quarterly, I close my accounts in the red. I’ve ran out of the will to pray and hope.. Trying to find ways to sort tings out has been futile.
I live a life of pretense, all is well. A fool to only myself. I live frustrated and angry, from staff to parents who are unreasonable to God who I think has put more on me that I’m capable of carrying.
I hate when people say I’m a strong women to survive all of that and yet not run, but I take the compliment with politeness and not stating my anger at this, for many think they can put more on me since they believe this statement to be true.
I plan to change the message on the crest of the school’s uniform.
Finding this and the words which came to me is a breath of fresh air.
I would be delighted to hear from you
Carolann
Your seeds are sprouting, Carolann. You’re starting to rise from the ashes, and this is the time to think very consciously about your priorities. What can you learn from what happened? How would you like to move forward? How can you find a place of peace in yourself even with these challenging memories and situations?
I hear that you look strong on the outside. Maybe you can also, within yourself, be honest about where you might still be stuck on the inside and do the work so you’re free.
Sending love and support…
“Phoenix Rising” came up for me this morning and although I have heard it used many times before, I wasn’t exactly sure of its meaning or how it relates to me. I turned to the net and did some research and was delighted to see how the story relates to me and the place I’m in in life right now. Reading your story helped put things into perspective.
Many aspects of the story and the Phoenix itself symbolize different aspects of my life. I have been in the fire for the past few years. Over those years I have allowed myself to transform; it has been both painful and delightful to see aspects of yourself die and aspects of yourself emerge.
New dreams and plans are emerging along with a renewed Spirit. I am moving forward with a longtime dream and I’m both excited about it and a bit scared for it is a big dream, but I go forward in faith. I didn’t necessarily have anything to relate this to until this morning when “Phoenix Rising” came up for me. I now understand completely the process that I have undergone the past 7 years and what is happening around and within me now.
Thank you Gail for sharing your story and your work. You are a light to many.
In luv and light,
Leisa Moseley
So beautiful, Leisa. Let yourself shine gloriously!
hi Dr. Gail! Thank you so much For the wonderful Post. T’was very helpful.
I had to admit I am in great pain now. I am looking for articles and tips online so that could help me move on from the past and would help me from stop thinking about my failed marriage 🙁
I am from the Philippines. 31 years old. My husband was an Overseas Filipino Worker who works as a Cabin Crew in a Cruise Ship based in Europe. He was my boyfriend for almost 10 years before he proposed
for marriage last 2012. Since his vacation to the Philippines is only for 2 months in a year he really wanted to have a child and I got pregnant 2012 after his marriage proposal. 2013 we got married. Late of last year 2014 I caught him cheating. His 2014 vacation 1 month he was home with us in Cebu and a month he told me that he will be on training in Manila but I just found out that He was having an affair with his fellow cabin crew who happens to have vacation since they are batch mates from work in Europe in a Cruise Ship .When I found out I was so hurt and wanted to let go of him.He was in europe working while I am here in the Philippines when I found out his
having an affair. He was sorry and told me he will let go of the affair and as a wife I wanted to give our marriage a chance so I accepted his apology. After that we communicate every day but I felt there was
lacking. I felt so unloved but I have to fight and be strong because I have a marriage vow and for my daughter I have to fight for the Marriage.
His expected vacation was April 2015 I was excited and I was really waiting for a moment to talk with him personally about us to improve our relationship as married couple.
But when he was about to go home from Europe last april 2015 He texted me via Viber that our Marriage wont work anymore and He lied to me since 2010 he has girlfriend at work while I am his girlfriend and with the same girl he is having an affair now. He did’nt go home to be with us here in Cebu. He was with his
Mistress now in Manila. ( my story is too long to narrate completely:)
Why is it so Painful….I was very excited that we will finally be together and will have a chance to talk with my husband personally to improve relationship as Married Couple. I never gave me a chance to fight as a wife and mother.
The Long Distance Relationship, we are away for 10 months in a year but I asked him not to work abroad and be with us to work here in the Philippines. I was completely blinded to keep it short. I was really blind and didnt see that side of my husband..
I was with this man for almost 15 Years I trusted him more than anyone else and he betrayed me.
He even just told me that he will not be home anymore because our marriage wont work anymore just via viber. I felt so worthless. I keep on thinking what have I done to him. Ive been faithful to him since, a good wife and a good mother to our daughter… It was painful because he never gave our marriage a chance and just decide by himself that our marriage wont work anymore.. Loving him was not painful but loving the wrong Man is..
This pain almost caused my death but with the help of Family and Friends I was able to dealt with this and I am quite good now.
I was not thinking of myself alone for the lost love but I was more concerned with my daughter. I will raise my daughter alone. and my daughter with no father at her side. But really I decided to really move on. There are days I can forget but there are days like today I cant stop thinking what when wrong with my life. Its like our dreams
were shattered because He chose to be with someone else versus us his family. I never had a chance to fight for us. He was really decided and his decision was final to chose his mistress. What is more painful he come home to cebu for a couple of days and even brought his mistress with him. I didn’t know his family kept it from me. I was very disappointed also with his family. I wanted to talk with my husband not to go back with him but I wanted to talk to him
as a person. I felt so worthless that he left me and the advice was just from a Viber. He don’t want to face me. I am not just someone else in his life I am his wife but I am just nothing for him.
He texted me to see my daughter when he decides to come home without me in the plan 🙂
Now I am trying to move on with my life without him. Moving on from the failed marriage. If I could only turn back time I must have chosen someone who will not hurt me this much..
I am ready to move on… I have my lovely daughter with me. I got great friends. I have mother and brother at my side. I got good Job. But still I felt my life is empty because me and my daughter has no family on our own.
I just wanted to forget the pain. I lift up to God the almighty Father the Pain and I pray that I may move on and forget the love I had for him…
It’s almost 3 months and day by day I still remember the pain….
I tried to understand him so that I could move on but sometimes I could not help it to felt so much pain.
Dr Gail your Posts was helpful to me. I will be a Phoenix who will rise from the Ashes…
More Power.
You are rising, Dorothy. You’ve found support of friends, family, and faith, and you’re focusing on raising your daughter. Walk your own path with your head held high. Much love to you…
Uplifting article Dr. Brenner…I posted the following quote from your article on my phone as a daily reminder when hard times hit:
“The human spirit is resilient and wants to find its way home to wholeness.”
Beautiful words regarding the human spirit!!
So glad you found that helpful, Jess. It’s a reminder for all of us!!
Dear Dr.Brenner,
This morning I was telling myself “I will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes!” Like you I was not sure what the real meaning of that statement is, so I did some research and found out. Also found your very inspiring article.
Right now at seventy six years old I am going through one of the most desperate times of my life with, at this moment, very little light at the end of the tunnel.
Recent separation from my wife coupled with my loss of almost everything material, has left me at a very low ebb.
Finding a kindred spirit in you has given me new hope and I am determined to…….well, you know.
Life is definitely putting you in the fire, Alan, and you are being asked to meet what arises. Difficult, I know. And there will be times of resistance. I’m glad you’ve found support here. Little by little, in the right time, may these experiences serve your awakening.
First off; I love your article. It spoke to me just when I needed it. I drew a picture and I had in mind as I was drawing; this phrase “up from the ashes she arose”. I typed this phrase in Google and your article came up. Who knew I needed to read this more than myself. Thank you for posting and I am truly sorry for any hardships you’ve gone through. In the midst of it all… We arise. Thanks for the encouraging words.
I love how we get just what we need, Sonya!
Thank you for your wonderful story! I ordered some Phoenix necklaces for my sisters and myself, the last two years have been horrible for my family….no light at the end of the tunnel! I kept thinking about the Phoenix, ordered the necklaces and then found your post. I am giving my sisters the necklace and your story for Christmas this year to give us hope….I believe we can rise from the ashes more glorious than ever.
I believe so, too, Jacqueline! Love to all of you…
Hi Gail,
I’m glad dat I found ur article.I’m soo much in need of help as m nt able to either forget my past or able to move on.
I was sexually assaulted by my own brother when i was 6-7 yr old, now i’m 21 and still couldn’t get over it. I see him daily living his life happily, it destroys my peace as I couldn’t tell abt dis in my family thinking it ll b a heart attack fr my parents, hence I didn’t get a chance to punish for his sin.
Because of my past I am devasted n I’m scared to get into any relationship and have problem in trusting people. I will isolate myself to be alone always n push people away. I’ve lost interest in almost everything n always feel like ending my life. It feels soo wrong. I just don’t want Dis feeling. Please help me how to handle n come out of Dis.
This is so much to deal with, Askhitha. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I strongly encourage you to seek the help of a counselor to help you. This is a problem that needs some time and care to work through with the help of someone who is skilled to listen to your unique story. So please find someone in your local community. Look around for counseling or mental health clinics. It might take courage on your part to seek out help, but you’ve made an important step by asking for help here.
I do know this about you: you can find your way out of this. The human spirit is resilient, and you sound like an insightful and intelligent woman. You have what it takes to live a fulfilling life, but you need a guide to help you. Your light is shining inside, but it is dimmed by your thoughts and feelings about what happened with your brother. Begin to get in touch with that light as this is real. It’s your essence.
I’m sending you a heart full of support, and I hope that you will seek out a professional counselor to help you.
I have found your article very helpful. Thank you! I’m going through a very difficult period in my life right now. But I have great support from my family, friends, and my new found faith ( which I gave up because he didn’t believe in Him.) I am learning to get to know me again, what my likes and dislikes. It also thought me not to take things for granted , with this new found wisdom.. I am building a better relationship with my children by being present. I appreciate and give thanks to the blessings I receive. I look around and actually SEE the beauty of nature. I’m learning to love myself and be my own best friend as well as be comfortable on my own (it’s tough since we were together for 23 years.) I talk to my kids how the challenges and struggles in life builds character, makes us stronger and teaches us an important lesson. I know I don’t have the answers for everything. I’ve surrendered to Him and I know that he will guide my way.
It’s beautiful to surrender, Lea. We give up our personal wants and needs and let ourselves be guided.
Gail Brenner, your article was beautiful. Thank you for sharing what many of us experience at some point in our life. Your story resonated with me and it is something that is even more inspiring to read just before the holidays (which may be hard for some who have lost family). I am truly thankful for your words. I am doing a talk to some new naturopathic students and the Phoenix rising from the ashes is what lead me to you. For everyone going through something, it is just a beautiful reminder of how there is hope for renewed life after adversity. I’m touched.
Hi Frances,
Difficult things will happen in this human life – it’s the nature of things. But we are resilient, and each of us can find that resilience within. We can be flattened by life circumstances, and we can also choose life with a tender and open heart.
Hi Gail. I was thinking of starting a blog about Phoenix rising from the ashes & chronicling my journey, and then turning it into a book. That is when I found your info. Sounds very much like me. Thank you for this wonderful insight! Here is my story right now. My husband of 24 years has end stage COPD, and all responsibilities lie on my shoulders. I feel so overwhelmed! I stayed in the marriage for my son, but it hasn’t been one with any love or support. My son (youngest son) has moved away & in with his girlfriend; and I recently lost both of my parents within 3 months of each other. I have lost the only two people that I feel have ever truly cared about me and had my back. I just feel so alone. I’m not sure how to find my new normal. I don’t want to lay this on my children or my friends. I hope to find my way through the fire soon.
You are definitely in the fire, DM, with so much stress and loss. It sounds like you may need an outlet to talk about what’s going on and get support. Perhaps there are caregiver support groups in your local area. If not, you can search online. Being the sole caregiver for a family member is never an easy job and often overwhelming. What you’ll hear over and over is that it’s important to take care of yourself, too.
Grieving and loss – these situations are a journey of their own, inviting you to feel the feelings and find the love right in the midst of them. It’s part of my experience, too, as my mother died a few months ago. I recently read in a memoir by Elizabeth Alexander who lost her husband suddenly that you wouldn’t feel loss if you didn’t love. Certainly you have made choices from love – for your son and maybe even your husband and others. Make sure you acknowledge this.
All forms are temporary, and that includes everyone, even the people who truly cared and had your back. In a sense, that leaves us alone – relying on ourselves ultimately and then, in a deeper spiritual way, realizing that the source of all things is the power of love and intelligence, the unifying force that is far greater than our personal, individual selves. This is where true peace lies, no matter what is happening in our everyday lives.
I wish you well on this rich journey…
Thank you for sharing. I am going through a tough time where I doubt that I know what I am doing at times as my second business failed. The board decided based on some things that I had done that it was time to find someone else to lead our startup. We had raised a significant amount of money from friends & large institutional investors but never had really materialized into what we thought it would ultimately be. The board said they wanted to go in a different direction and eventually the business sold for 30% of its’ value, but it still alive. However, I own the fact that my actions as the leader did not put us into the best situation and ultimately these actions caused a downturn in the business. People invested in the business and the vision but ultimately they put their trust in me. That is a hard thing to forget although if I allow it to happen maybe it can actually be the best thing as it can teach me the value of running the business in a very frugal manner. While focusing on the revenue to drive the value not the market itself. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen as we were riding the wave and our focus went away from the customer. I’ve ultimately let my family down by putting them into a difficult situation finally. However, maybe its’ for the best as they learn first hand what it means to be vulnerable and in the struggle.
I appreciate your honesty here, Mike, in taking full responsibility and your perspective on discovering the lessons for everyone involved.
I wish you the best as you move forward…
I have come to realize that my husband of 33 years is a narcissist and that if I stay with him I will never experience love on a deeper level as it’s meant to be. We’ve never been truly happy. So I have decided for my own sanity that I have to leave the marriage. This is something I’ve thought about for many years but have finally found the strength to do it. The phrase “like a phoenix rising from the ashes” came to me while I was crying in the shower so I googled it and found your article – exactly what I needed to see right now. Thank you so much. It gives me hope and helps me to see that I am doing the right thing for me even as it feels sad and hard.
You have more support than you could ever imagine, Vickie – it’s the support of universal love and truth. I wish you the very best…
In the last 3 years I have dealt with the three deaths, three of the most important people in my life…in 2014 my son was shot six times in the back by a cop for shoplifting. Not only was he running and brutally shot but the media turned him into a monster and blamed momma because as society does when drugs are involved it’s all about how bad parenting creates addiction. He was a sports champion with an injury that started a ferocious addiction that took me to my knees. As I tried to grieve and recover from the vision of my beautiful boy, 22 yrs old, broken and bloody on that table I was so ashamed that he was going home to God in that condition and I couldn’t fix him. I barely was able to take a breath without that catch in your heart and my dad was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. I was shocked, I was angry, I was kicked again and I was still trying to grasp what happened to my son. Four three months straight I cared for my dad, bathe him, shaved him, fed him and sat with him at every radiation treatment. I loved him best I could thinking God would have pity on me and he just wouldn’t take my dad away when I needed him. One early Monday morning I wake up and same routine, dad you want coffee? How do you feel. Within 45 minutes he fell in my arms with a massive heartattack and just looked at me. The last conversation we had day before was how worried he was for leaving me because he hated to see me cry for my son everyday. Four months after his death, my husband decides that after thirty years of marriage I’m not what he wants. I changed so much he dislikes me he said. The harshness of his words were so brutal I just sat there and took it all in. He hated me grieving. How could I even begin to stop? I just feel like staying in the ashes and just burn, burn, burn. The pain is so intense. Three men in my life that I loved differently left me . I understand the part of change and rebirth. I have changed. I literally died with all three. I just don’t feel I will ever feel joy again or trust in love again and definitely will never forget my biggest supporter whither in away right in front of me. Than
K you for posting!
Oh, you are in the fire, Anna. Who knows why you have been given all of this? My heart goes out to you. This is a time of gentleness, support, and self-care. No matter what is happening, know this: you are held in love greater than you could ever imagine.
Hi Anna,
I just read you story and I couldn’t help but to connect with you if only in this way to let you know that you are loved. I echo Dr. Brenner by saying that “you are held in love greater than you could ever imagine.”
Dr. Brenner,
Thank You. Scrolling this feed, you must know what a blessing you are. I too was looking for information on this majestic bird that has come into my life to share her healing medicine with me. I am going through a dark night of the soul in the corridor between the old me and the new me and it is a lonely and often excruciating experience. I have moments of clarity as my vision moves me forward, but then it gets all blurry again (I suppose when the fear of the unknown is present).
It’s amazing that the phoenix would appear in my life as I go thru the empty nest stage too. My daughter just started college, her twin brother has just been diagnosed with MS (now living with my ex-husband), I’m having symptoms of early menopause, I’ve gained weight, I’m getting ready to jump into a new business, my finances are a nightmare, and I can’t seem to get this relationship thing right. Not to mention the political climate of what our country is going through and the number of people being killed just for being black.
In the big scheme of things none of this seems worth crying about (or perhaps it’s just shame because I’m supposed to be so spiritually put together) but I suppose my human self says otherwise. I just thank you for reminding me that the answer is in embracing the moment without putting so much emphasis on what the future holds. The quote that you used to start this blog is a keeper! It also pulled me in…
I have been in the spiritual fire and it has cooked me! (Rumi) May the phoenix continue to remind me (and all of us) of our resilience. A rebirth is taking place and I am coming out and I shall rise again- transformed, awakened, and renewed!
Thank You!
With Love,
Me
You’re in the fire, Shawn! The whole universe supports you….
Dear Anna ~ My heart reaches out to hold yours, as you find your way through and up and out of that fire we all encounter at some point in our life. <3
I hope that 3+ years after your earlier post, you've found your way to believe that the universe is with you, like the wind beneath your wings!
I googled “I shall be as the phoenix”, and you have written everything I have wanted to say for so long. Thank you.
So glad this post connected with you, LG! Sending love…
I don’t know where to begin. I have been unhappy in my marriage and have had a strained relationship with my mother most of my life. My relationship with my father is good but there was interference from others since he was not my birth father for a while. The past six years have been really rough on top of all the arguments and problems at home with my husband, I was miserable at work and then I started moving up with more responsibilities. I was traveling, working around the clock. I was making sure I met my daughter’s needs and I was in school full-time. I would drink a pot of coffee at night. I lived off two to four hours of sleep for at least two years. I’ve been unhappy for a long time. I started getting headaches and didn’t think anything of it. I would throw up sometimes when I ate certain foods which I chalked up to maybe childhood allergies. I also started having abdominal and stomach pains. My cycle was for three weeks and extremely heavy. My husband moved out of our bedroom down the hall. I had a partial hysterectomy. My boss relied on me for everthing and I mean everything. She was a pill. I started feeling worse. I new it was more than just a headache. My boss was getting worse. One night after midnight at 1:30 a.m. I decided it was too much. The money didn’t matter anymore. I left work and had go back hours later. I initially asked for a few days off which was a big deal, so I resigned. I didn’t know how my husband was going to take it but i had to for me. My boss went nuts she called me at least 20 times a day. She initially had Human Resources put me on a leave. She was persistent and they would not post my job. I was a mess, but I refused to talk to her or anyone at the job. I resigned from everything including the committee I was on. The morning I left, I could not stop shaking. I was consumed with everything. Where I thought I was on my way to freedom. I thought after I left the job, I would alleviate the stress and deal with my marriage, but my health started to decline. My legs started spasming. My muscles tightened. All over. I started having muscle contractions/spasms. My legs are like jelly. My walking is off. I have gastro problems. My white blood count is low. My headaches almost bring me to my knees and they are all day every single day. I have had every test imaginable. I’ve been in the hospital twice. I cry all the time. I started counseling to help. My heart is broken, I feel stuck, and hopeless in many days. I can’t remember the last time I really felt good. I fight for myself and my daughter, but the headaches scare me the most. I had a dream that I blacked out and was dying. I’ve never dreamed like that before. It has been so ruff. I have been saying I am alone, but I am blessed to have such a strong and amazing daughter. Some nights I awake so panicked. I’ve asked the Lord why me. I tried to treat people right, and do the right thing. After everything I’ve been through now this. Someone told me today to read the Phoenix rising from the Ashes which led me to your site. I thought I would share and thank everyone for sharing and ask for your prayers.
Thanks for sharing here, Blue. Take good care of yourself. Love and prayers to you….
Thank you.
Like many of the women here, my husband has left our home after 17 years. It was so abrupt and cold that it sent me into a state of shock for over a month, from which I am now, slowly beginning to recover. I’ve lost 13 lbs and a lot of hair – I looked healthy and attractive a month ago and now I look sad, drawn and too thin. Not a good look at 52.
I’ve over-come a lot of sadness/depression in my life and so I know, this too shall pass. I’m doing much of what you suggest; I sit with all my feelings, letting them wash over-me although sometimes the grief and sorrow takes my breath away .I am so sad for our son – my husband, while extremely intelligent lacks emotional intelligence and refuses to think of the pain this has caused our son.
I think of reasons to be grateful and try to write them down twice a week but I repeat them often in my head, during the day. I’m amazed at how quickly my husband has moved on – how pleased he is with himself and how little insight he has into the pain he has caused our family – we are forever changed, over-night. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m on an ending roller-coaster ride.
I’m trying to concentrate on myself, I made the grave mistake of trying to change him over the years – the only person I can change is myself. I’m reaching out to people – sharing my pain, allowing myself to be vulnerable (which is excruciating) and people have responded with kindness.When I share my pain and fear, it’s grip on me is lessened. I’m taking advantage of therapy, self-help groups etc. It’s hard not to beat myself up for my mistakes – especially as my husband has blamed me for virtually every problem we ever had. I must remind myself that this is not true. I must know my truth, who I am and not allow him to project his own issues onto me. He needs to villainize me in order to justify his leaving.
I know this will all pass and I will rise again but it’s hard not knowing when. I don’t have answers anymore – except to say, “I don’t know”. It’s frightening,
un-chartered territory but I must not grasp for control. This is a chance for change. I know there’s a lesson in this. It’s okay not to know.
Sounds like you’re navigating this situation beautifully, SlimKeith.
Would love to have a pen pal. It’s just so harsh right now with realization hitting. I’m sorry for your pain if it’s hard like mine.
Hi Gail. I have read many pieces like this before but for some reason this 1 has hit home more than the rest…. maybe it’s because I have tried to control things out of my control…. tried to rush my rehabilitation instead of taking it day by day… or its just that I’m not the type of person to turn and ask for help….After reading this I now have a better understanding of how to help myself and rather than thinking of my alcohol addiction as a problem, to just enjoy and be thankfull of everyday I’m sober…thank you
This is a huge shift, Rick, from thinking you have a problem to gratitude. Wishing you well with your recovery process…
Gail:
Thank you for this post. I found it tonight while I was working on writing down adjectives to describe myself…steel magnolia, bendable willow tree,
“Pheonix rising from the ashes”. I thought it would be a good idea to write down positive intentions and facts – to keep the scarier thoughts at bay. I feel I’ve been through a big fire! It’s still burning, but perhaps dying down. In one year (2015), my husband lost his executive-level job, I had to arrange an intervention to deal with his alcoholism (something I tried to fix/control for years), my 13 year old daughter lost 17 pounds at camp and ended up in the hospital and diagnosed with anorexia and then 2 months after that my perfectly healthy father (and general go-to-guy) died unexpectedly. I understand the feeling of being in a fog. Moment to moment is the only way to make it through. Its important to find joy in small moments and to concentrate on gratitude. I had to care for my daughter to save her life and did not have time to process all the emotions from everything that happened until 12 months later. A kind therapist has really helped. You really put it into perspective “it happens to all of us at some point, it’s part of the human journey”. Why is it still so surprising when you find out exactly what your own “fire” will be? I’m shocked by all that happened to me and my family…not in the plan for a valedictorian who was “most likely to succeed”. After 15 years at home looking after my 4 children, so my husband could focus on a stressful career (with devastating results!), I am now rising from the ashes to relaunch my career. “I looked into the future and all I could see was confusion” What will happen in 2017? Will we sell the house and further downsize? Will my husband ever work at the same level again? Will my daughter fully recover? Will my mother be alright living on her own? Focus on today. One day at a time. Adjust your vision of the future. You were never in control in the first place! I’m going to make a “want-to-do” list – it’s a great idea! I have a friend who just started into a “fire” – what wisdom and empathy I have now to help her…long walks in nature, a gratitude journal, bible study, prayer, lavender filled eye pillow, sleepy time tea, a bath soaking in epsom salt, a good long cry. I hope people who read this will keep moving forward through their own fires…but don’t try to do it alone.
Sara
So beautiful how you’re meeting all of this, Sara. I honor you – you are not alone in this, in fact, the whole universe supports you.
We get lulled into a kind of everyday existence that forgets we’re not in control and assumes all will continue as is – then wham! We’re awakened again.
What will 2017 bring? Whatever it brings. And you have the wise perspective – one day at a time.
Sending love…
Good Morning Gail,
I just clicked on this link, as a colleague of mine mentioned this to me in an email that I read this morning, ….”but as they say like a phoenix”. I had never heard that before, so I googled exactly what he said, and I clicked on your article.
My story, as brief as I can tell it, is that I just turned 62. I have worked in human services in disability services for just over 36 years, predominately in nonprofit organizations. My last 20 years has been in upper leadership positions, including an Executive Director of two different nonprofits. My most recent one was from 2011-2016. I replaced a long-tenured ED and It was a the biggest challenge of my career. I inherited an antiquated organization, a run-down building and long-term, set-in-their-ways staff. The board had it’s own challenges.
I worked very hard to make relationship with people, instill the need for change, wrote and received many grants, reconnected the agency to the community, developed programs… But, one long-term staff I never really connected with. She was the finance director, had been the interim ED and had applied for the job as well. My never-give-up, keep-trying attitude didn’t work for me this time.
In September the current (fairly new) Board Chair, who I also could not connect with and the Chair-Elect came in and told me I was a nice person, with very good skills that could be used better elsewhere. No previous communication, it was out of the blue. They shared that “staff” were coming to the Board. I am pretty sure who that was. It was a huge sucker punch to say the least.
I had zero support pretty much all of those years I was there and it ended that way significantly on that September day. It has been a very difficult time for me. Thankfully, I have wonderful support from my 20 year old daughter who is away at college, my older sister and friends and colleagues. They have been a true Godsend.
Pretty much I have had doors open for me when one closed, but not this time, as of yet. I have more good days now than bad, but the bad ones are still so difficult; tears, sadness, emptiness, low self-worth.
I am so grateful for my colleague’s email and his mentioning of the “rising of the phoenix”. It really rang true for me. Thank you for your wisdom and your willingness to share your story here. In reading it, I decided to take a risk and share my story. I think, with this in mind, I have gained some strength from the phoenix.
Take care,
Laurie
Thank you for sharing your story, Laurie. You are in a process of recovery. Take good care of yourself, and when the time is right start to see what you might be able to learn from the situation. Was there any way you contributed to the problems? Work environments like the one you describe can be challenging because we don’t always connect with everyone. Is there anything you can learn about connecting with difficult people? (We all have difficult people in our lives!)
So glad you have the support you need. You are rising up….
this was a very helpful article. What is felt was missing was discussion of the importance of forgiveness. And especially forgiveness of one’s self. And for me that is the most difficult part of the equation. I still suffer from that. Working on it every day.
Hi Laurel,
Thank you for bringing up the topic of forgiveness. I support whatever needs to happen to come to peace, especially in trying times, and sometimes that includes the letting go that comes with forgiveness. We forgive ourselves when we learn from what happened and make our lives moving forward a living testimony to those life lessons. The past is gone (although it may be alive in your mind), but every moment now is fresh and new.
Love
Gail
Thanks for the beautiful article Gail ,sometimes these moments strikes you so hard it needs a bigger knock to bring you out and thus the burning fire!!. Somedays you feel you re the only one going through this and you keep seeking the answers as in why you re having to go through this but then am surprised to see there are other people going through something similar, it’s just gives you the strength as in if you can come out of it why can’t I. I have bookmarked this page maybe someday I can help someone else in trouble and they could find their fire to rise. god bless
Love,
Arun
With these insights, I’m sure you will help others, Arun. You can do that just by being open and authentic with the next person you come into contact with.
Learn from whatever has happened so you can move on from the depth of who you are. Much love and support to you…
My Husband died in a car accident 4 months ago. The emotions I have felt have felt like such a rollercoaster, I can barely keep up. Going from shock to numb to sorrow to shock again to anger and through them all again. Over and over. Reading your story really helped me. It explains exactly how I have felt. It’s hard to explain out loud how your life changes when not only your Husband, but your best friend is gone in an instant. Literally here one minute and gone the next. Not to mention to watch my kids pain. That breaks my heart that is already broken even more. If that makes any sense. 7 1/2 years of marriage and almost 9 years together was not enough. Through year long deployments and long periods away offshore in the oilfield, I always missed him. I had no idea all that time apart was just a flash compared to the time I’ll have to walk this Earth without him. I still have this cloud and this fog I’m in and although there are days I can see the light…I’m still very much in the thick of it.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Sharyn. Of course you are still in the thick of it. It’s a shock to the system to experience a sudden loss of someone so very close. It takes time to integrate, accept, adapt, and come to terms with what happened. Grief has a mind of its own – coming in waves, overtaking us, then subsiding until the next time. Just let these waves happen as best you can. This is a time to take such good care of yourself, and when it gets hard to do that, seeking help and support from loving people around you. I will be holding you and your children in my heart.
Sending much love
Gail
Hi Gail, my mum, dad and I were very close. She died and dad immediately went off with another woman and abandoned me, making me wrong by believing her fantastical lies. My brother and his family chose to believe dad – he is a multi millionaire. I lost mum and then was abandoned by my entire family all in a few months. But I rose like a phoenix and am appreciative for this loss -so much closer to God/the creative force. My journey was just as you described. I did what you did. I noticed I had a gift for visualising my hardships z????(like abandonment was a black sticky tar trying to envelop me) and by sitting with the feelings of abandonment and then visualising getting it off me, I was able to free myself completely from it. Such precious discoveries – i relat to the Phoenix rising
So beautiful, Michelle. I appreciate how willing you are to go to difficult places – and rise up!
Hi Gail,
Thank you for your blog/post. I was in a long term (5 years) long distance (international) relationship that got very close to marriage. She was willing to move to the States. When she was ready, I wasn’t. When I was, she was at the end of her rope. My priorities were mixed up, I was childlike (we’re both 56, both never married). I did not have lots of dating experience. I hurt her and feel terrible. Even if she forgives me, I can’t forgive myself and this is 3 years later!
Hi Bryan,
At some point, you will need to make a conscious decision about how you want to live. Here’s what is possible: make amends in whatever way feels right to you, learn from this experience and take what you learn with you moving forward, then you’ll know that what happened has served your growth in the best way possible. Bringing in this perspective is what can help you to let go.
I’m certain that you did the best you could at the time, otherwise you would have handled things differently. Be kind to yourself and your humanness. Then you’ll be able to consider untying yourself from this pain.
I wish you well on your journey…
Hi Gail
Thank you so much for this article. I found it by researching “phoneix from the flames” because the phrase was in my head during a dream this afternoon. I had went for a nap to escape the horro of what was unfolding around me after telling God I couldn’t take anymore.
I knew when I woke that something was different; I’ve been in this hard season for a long time and my circumstances haven’t changed but the fire I’ve been through has finally changed me!
Nature ran parallel with what happened as this morning was freezing cold and when I woke from my nap it was beautiful and sunny. “See the winter is over”
Your article is so on point for what I’ve been through so I thank you again. Xx
Life can be fiery, Toni! Know that you’re not alone….
Hey, I loved this. I’m 22 and I left a cult in August 2019. Feelings afterwards have been so hard to muscle through because I’m so sad of how everything was handled. My family and friends all shun me and I’ve been left with so much to process through alone. This taught me that even though people hurt you, which they will intentionally and unintentionally, it’s inevitable I can choose to hold onto that pain and hurt myself even more or let go and give myself the freedom and joy I so desperately want and need. I’m now on a journey of accepting and loving myself. Seeing what I love to do and meeting new people and exploring new things. This quarantine has been hard because I was faced with some challenges but it also taught me a lot about myself and how I am the keeper of my own joy. God isn’t bound my religion He’s so much bigger than that and I don’t need to be held in a box of what other people think or do to me anymore. We’re all given a certain amount of breath on this earth and I don’t want to allow myself to stress anymore about the things in the past. Not IGNORING them but ACCEPTING them crying feeling them and letting go because it’s time for me to enjoy life and not to be in anyone else’s prison anymore, even my own. ???? Phoenix from the ashes. There may be so many more times I need to be reminded of this was this is just the beginning and it’s freeing and beautiful
Rachel, it’s so lovely and inspiring to hear your story of rising up. Beautiful healing journey….
Just thirst morning I told my friends I really must find out if indeed the Phoenix rising from the ashes is a story or a mythical thought I’ve made up to describe how I feel after the lessons learned and awarenesses given have blown my mind yet again!
I Googled it! Of course I did! After so many awakenings and moments of clarity on top of the mayhem and chaos of the people in my life, catching a glimpse of that Phoenix again and again, her hand coming up stronger with knowledge each time…. I didn’t want to see if She was a story with an ending….
I wanted to know She would keep rising, no matter what, learning more about herself with each triumphant resurrection.
Pffft….
There is a lot of drama in my family too (it’s not just me)…..
Thank you!!
Thanks for this entry Gail. I’ve been painfully resisting the burning flames that have been all around me for the past, I’d say, 2 years. As you say, you have to give up control for the burning to totally consume you, and in this way, finalize the process of returning to the ash.
It’s been really tough. I’ve felt mostly alone and as though I was not only letting myself down, but also my partner.
I think I am ready, now, to finally let it burn down. Hopeful that on the other side, there will be a rebirth.
Fighting it has just been more painful than I could ever have imagined.
Hello Gail,
Good morning, what an amazing story to tell. I love it, and can relate so much to it! Thank you for sharing, as it confirms my leap from the fire! ❤️❤️❤️
Sincerely,
Rose S.
So beautiful to hear, Rose!
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You! I will follow up sometime later with my story. I plan on buying every book you’ve written.
You are welcome, Laura! Sending much love…