“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.
~Thornton Wilder
In the last post, we talked about befriending fear. The comments were so heartfelt and the emails I received so amazing as people testified to the transformation that is possible when you make fear your friend.
See for yourself in these moving words from Tameka:
“Without becoming friends with my fear, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this, in a little cafe in Vientiane, Laos. I wouldn’t have left everything I knew- all my creature comforts, my life as I knew it- and traveled alone as a 23 year old, throughout the whole of Cambodia, Thailand, and now Laos, despite the fears of my family and friends. I wouldn’t be floating and fluttering around this beautiful universe, too afraid to live my own life, for fear of leaving those who need me.”
How do we go from barely living a life limited by fear to one that expresses our unique gifts and longings? How do we inhabit our lives fully? We let fear come along for the ride. We don’t use it as an excuse or justification. As Justin commented, we accept it and move on with our plans.
Recognize the Voice of Fear
If your intention is to not be deterred by fear, you need to know it intimately. You need to study it so you recognize when it is tapping you on the shoulder and asking for attention. Its voice can be subtle, so learn how it speaks. Here are some examples:
- I can’t disappoint my family.
- I might fail.
- I doubt if I can do it.
- I might get overwhelmed.
- I will have to work too hard.
- I will be outside my comfort zone.
- What if it gets difficult.
- I don’t know how to start.
I could go on and on. Do you see the commonalities? I can’t…what if…I doubt…I don’t. These are all signs that fear is in charge. They are thought patterns that assume the negative and question the movement of your heart’s deepest desires.
In fact, these limiting thoughts arise just after a moment of clarity when something you are passionate about comes to light. Trace each one back to its origin, and you will find what makes your heart sing.
Let Your Heart Sing
Fear is a natural part of the human experience. Its goal is protection and survival. But when we feel the call to step out into the unknown to experiment, create, and manifest our own unique song, we need to learn to navigate with fear. We acknowledge it, study it, then make a reasoned and intentional choice.
Which is just what some of the members of our community here at A Flourishing Life have shared.
Emma of Graceful Balance writes,
“I try to personify fear and instead of seeing it as a scary monster I see it as a little girl just wanting to be noticed. Somehow this view of it allows me to have compassion for the fear, to see it as outside of myself, and to acknowledge it while not being sucked into it.”
And Tameka says,
“Seeing it for what it is, recognising when it does have real merit and pushing through gently, as to not hurt its feelings. It is a part of us, after all!”
How to befriend fear? Treat it with kindness. Don’t push it away. Say, “Yes, you too,” with compassion, then step outside it and move forward from clarity. This is the end of violence and separation, and the beginning of life.
I’ll leave you with the words of Rumi, the Sufi mystic, from a poem called, “The Guest House.”
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Can you welcome fear in? Can you treat it honorably? I’d love to hear…
Note: As you know, I’ve been traveling, so I’ll be taking a week off from writing. I’ll have a fresh post, ready to go, in a couple of weeks.
Love to you,
Sandrine says
I always try to push my fear away, but it always comes back, more menacing than before. Thanks for your precious advice, as well as for Emma’s and Tameka’s.
Gail Brenner says
I hear what you are saying, Sandrine, and I’m sure you are not alone. You push the fear away, and it springs right back.
This advice to befriend fear is precious. It is true, and it is the path to freedom. You will discover great treasures as you take the step toward your fear. Lean into it. Get to know it. It won’t bite…I promise you.
Sending love…
Barbara says
My victory over fear came a different way. I was the victim of a violent crime when I was 16. After I recovered from that trauma, I decided the worst thing that would ever happen to me had already happened. I would never let my life be defined by fear. I’m 71 now and that is still my approach to life.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome, Barbara, and thank you so much for this lovely comment.
You have experienced the worst and have found your way out. It bears repeating: “I would never let my life be defined by fear.” This doesn’t mean you don’t experience fear. It means that you make a conscious choice to be alive.
From where you sit at 71, this is a true inspiration. Thank you.
Paul McKay says
I’m a chaplain at one of the big hospital systems in the country and give pastoral care to those laid low by illness or injury and grief. One thing taught in chaplaincy training is to befriend your fear and anxiety, because in giving pastoral care to people in pain you are going to have anxiety and fear within you no matter how much you might try to suppress it or mask it. It’s never good to deny the fear or anxiety within, but healthy to monitor the fear or anxiety within and learn to let it be. I visualize a thermometer running vertical from my waist to my neck and gauge the anxiety level within me. If I see my anxiety mercury is running high I get still, take a deep breath and visualize it going down. This practice enables me to keep my head while others are losing theirs in the midst of intense grief or chaos and raw emotions being manifested in anger. Learning this has carried over into my entire life. I probably would not have ventured off to China on a two-week trek last year on my own before I learned to befriend my fears and anxieties. There was a time when all the voices of anxiety and fear would have overwhelmed me and denied me the great trip I had in such a faraway, foreign land. Thanks for the posting on this.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Paul. It sounds like you received some intelligent training when it comes to fear.
I love that idea of visualizing a fear thermometer and monitoring it. We can’t really do anything about our fear until we know it is there. So when the temperature begins to rise, this is a signal to wake up and be conscious. Which is obviously essential in your work. Dealing with fear in this way leaves us clear-headed as you describe so beautifully. The people you work with are fortunate to have you available.
I love that you ventured off to China. Why hold back from amazing experiences!
sarah says
“Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear’s path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.”
taken from “Dune” by Frank Herbert
I think this one perfectly sums it up. My weapon of choice when it comes to written exams.
Gail Brenner says
There is so much power in this quote, Sara. Thanks so much for sharing it. Great inspiration!
Galen Pearl says
Another good post about fear and great comments to go with it. Long ago I memorized the litany against fear from Dune, which Sarah quoted in the last comment. That was a great scene in the book.
Gail Brenner says
Galen,
Your commitment to freedom is so pure. I haven’t read that book, but now I am motivated to.
Love to you…
Christopher Foster says
What more important theme could there be than this Gail? One way to ‘handle’ fear is to be numb to its existence. I think hat’s how I found it so easy to leave my native London as a young fellow and go to British Columbia on spec to find freedom.
But there’s a better way. To be still, and welcome the fear, and see what happens when you do this.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Chris,
In this case, being numb to fear seems to have served you. You didn’t even realize it was there, so you forged ahead. And look at the bounty you have received!
But when fear is a deterrent, being still and welcoming it is what serves. Important clarification – thank you.
Sending love…
Sibyl - alternaview says
Gail: I loved this post and the message you shared. I was really struck by what you said that you must learn to navigate through your life and know how to manage fear. I thought that was such a powerful statement and it is so true. So often when we are out of our comfort zone, fear can be all around us. However, we have to face our fear and walk through it and that means we have to be able to manage it. We can’t run away from something just because we are fearful. In many ways that is part of the equation and the journey. Great wisdom … as usual 🙂
Gail Brenner says
This is right on, Sibyl. When we allow fear to be part of the equation and the journey, things go so much more smoothly. And we can stay out of the comfort zone to explore what is beyond its edges. And that is where the magic lies, isn’t it?
Sibyl says
I definitely think the magic lies there … that is really what it is all about 🙂
Gail Brenner says
Thank you, Sibyl. I know this is a topic you write about often. Great to be joining forces with you to talk about something that really matters to all of us.
Mr Tree Man says
I will live my life fully and in doing so I know I will make mistakes, that’s real life, and that’s okay because mistakes are the best way to learn.
Failure is an effective learning process used by all successful people, it’s not something to fear.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Mr. Tree Man.
I love the openness in your comment. You are so willing to live, despite the fact that fear may arise from time to time. Good for you!
I have heard a saying: there is no failure, only feedback. Yes, we may stumble at times, but that is where some of our learning lies.
Great to hear such a wonderful approach. Thanks!
winsomebella says
Fear is indeed a part of us and can be a catalyst rather than an obstacle. Your suggestion that we learn to navigate our life with it is spot on. For by doing so, we advance and grow and live life as we should. Great insight in this post. Thanks.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Bella.
Yes – fear can be a catalyst rather than an obstacle. If it is present, something we cannot control, the sane thing to do is to learn to navigate with it.
Samantha says
I fear I lose my children always scared of something might happen to them and my husband, affraid of replacement afraid of let go affraid moving on sometimes I think to move to a new place but I fear for the change. Fear for next week because I don’t have new clothes for my kids even presents I fear for my son’s face I fear for family gatherings because they don’t say it but look down on us I fear why don’t I cry my heart out and find peace I fear for slipping into depression.
Gail Brenner says
So much fear, Samantha! Your mind is telling you scary stories. Bring logic to these stories, and you will find that most of them are not true. We can’t know what will happen. When fear tells you negative things will happen, it is making up stories! The response to these fearful stories about the future is: I don’t know. You don’t know what will happen until it happens. Stay in the “I don’t know” and fear won’t limit you so much.
Very much appreciate your sharing here.
Rapid Profit Formula says
Hi Gail,
I guess the best way to overcome fear is to take action because action cures fear. I read it from a book, The Magic of Thinking Big by Dr. David Schwartz which is a fantastic book for people who wants to achieve big things in life.
Regards,
Edmund
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Edmund, and thanks so much for your comment.
Action in the face of fear helps us to get unstuck. When we feel fear but act anyway, there is a sense of being empowered, free, not held back.
I haven’t read the book you mention, but maybe the magic of thinking big is in taking action. I appreciate your adding this point to the conversation.
Tattoo Removal says
Hi Gail,
“Do what you are afraid of.”
I do not remember who told me this but I strongly agree that overcoming your fear will only make you a stronger person. Do not hesitate, just take action and see what happens. Afterward, you will feel the satisfaction you have never experienced before.
Best regards,
Chet
My latest blog: Tattoo Removal
Gail Brenner says
Thank you so much for stopping by, Chet. Obviously, you speak from experience about taking action even if you are afraid and reaping the benefits.
I appreciate you sharing your story because it inspires all of us.
Search Twitter says
Gail –
From what I have experienced and observed, individuals who have been highly successful in their chosen professions deal with fear differently. Certain “type A” personalities might re-direct their fear from anxiousness at not being up to achieving a specific task to fear that someone else might achieve the task before they do.
For example, George S. Patton said (in one of my favorite quotes): “I do not fear failure. I only fear the “slowing up” of the engine inside of me which is pounding, saying, “Keep going, someone must be on top, why not you?””
Not everyone possesses General Patton’s drive, determination, and self-confidence for sure.
A better approach may be to recognize that we all have fear. But it is those who can take that fear – whether it be fear of failure or Patton’s fear that someone will achieve the glory before you do — and channel it to succeed at a given task, that will ultimately achieve the greatest professional happiness. Thank you for the discussion.
Best regards,
Rick
My most recent blog is search twitter.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Rick, and thank you for this illuminating comment.
My guiding principle and deepest desire, always, is happiness, and for me, Patton’s approach, although leading to great achievements, does not necessarily support happiness. I imagine he marches to a different drummer than I do, so to speak. But who am I to argue with great success – in fact I respect it greatly.
Your “better approach” resonates with me as well. To know fear and walk with it – but to not be deterred by it. Then we are not constantly fighting with our demons, but we can be at peace with all parts of ourselves.