“Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.”
~Khalil Gibran
Listening is an overlooked and undervalued way of being in our culture. Yes, a way of being, for when we listen, we are still, empty, receptive, alert, and interested. We are paying attention. We are open and available. Can you let yourself feel it right now?
True listening comes from a place of silence. If your inner world is filled up with swirling thoughts and agitated emotions, listening will be impossible. Whether you are trying to hear your own inner voice or the voice of another, you are filtering your perceptions through a haze of lack, anxiety, and confusion.
Imagine trying to decide on your next career move if you are engulfed in fear and overwhelm. Try working out an issue with your partner if you are already adamant about what you want and need. Bear the heartbreak of being too focused on your to-do list to listen to your child’s concerns.
But when you address these habits of thinking and feeling so they no longer disturb you, the whole world opens up. Put them aside, and you hear as if for the first time. You notice nuance and detail. You are clear, fresh, and in the moment.
Start in Silence
If you want to deeply listen, start in silence. Bring your attention inward to discover the space within you that is free of turmoil. Absorb yourself in it. Let yourself be still.
Really, this is all that you need to know. Once you are silent, you have given yourself the capacity to listen. You have let go of pulling in or pushing away. Struggle melts away, and you are open to hearing things as they are. You are effortlessly receptive.
And as you dwell in silence, you can’t help but soften. When you turn your attention away from the thoughts and feelings that provoke you, what is the result? Your heart opens. You feel connected, aware, and loving.
The Magic in Sound
Now from this place of silence, open to sound. Let hearing expand beyond any boundaries to all sounds that arise and pass on. Don’t label what you hear, simply listen. It’s a wonderland out there.
The Still, Small Voice Within
We are always receiving direction about how to move in our lives – if we are open to listening. How is it that we ignore these messages? We are too distracted to listen. We think we have all the answers. We cloud our thinking with drama and emotional upheaval. Then we wonder why our lives are so out of whack.
The medicine for these problems is closer than close. All we need to do is listen.
Recently, a friend of mine said with tears in her eyes, “I know I need to quit my job. I’m exhausted. All I want is time when I don’t have to do anything. I have been living in the structures of my life for a long time and they have lost their meaning.” To me, this is clarity, not complaining. She is finally listening to the still, small voice within.
Listening is the first step, and being willing to act on what you hear is the second. Listen to what you know to be true in the deepest, wisest part of your being. Then have the courage to let your life unfold according to its rightful plan.
The Greatest Gift
Have you ever been deeply listened to? You feel accepted as is, with no judgment and no agenda. Your listener isn’t resisting you or influencing you or expecting anything of you.
Some might say that deep listening is the greatest gift you can offer to another. Try it and see. You might get an insight or new perspective. You might see him or her with a fresh, compassionate eye. And your generosity just might flow back to you a thousand fold.
Authentic listening starts in silence. Be still and pay close attention. Open to all that arises. Trust that you can stop trying to control everything and that you can just be. Listen with your whole being, and the the deepest truths will be revealed.
What have you learned about listening? Do you need to listen more deeply? I’d love to hear…
Joy says
Hi Gail,
Silence is essential in my life. I have one day every two weeks when I am “off work” and my children are at school. I honor silence as I move throughout the day..I unplug from everything. I often take time in nature: walk by the beach, hike the hills, sail the ocean. Silence seems to grow gratitude and love..and by the end of the day my heart is overflowing with both.
As you shared, silence opens my heart..and from this space all in my life is enriched magnificently…
Gail Brenner says
Joy,
Thank you so much for sharing about your beautiful bi-weekly day in silence. I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of it just by reading your words.
I know your day touches a place in all of us that resonates with the fundamental truth. Silence is our nature, and everything flows from that. Everyone and everything benefits when we live in alignment with this truth. And I am thinking about how lucky your children are to return to their mom who has spent the day as you describe.
I appreciate this beautiful offering from you.
paul mckay says
In my ministry I give talks to churches and other groups about “What to Say (Or Not to Say) to People in Grief.” I always start out by reading the scripture in Job 2:11-13, where Job’s friends were grieved over him and v. 13 says, “Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him because they saw how great his suffering was.” Unfortunately, then they started talking and judging, insisting that he must have done something terrible to anger God. They couldn’t stand the silence of just being fully present with Job in his suffering anymore. Silence is indeed a big part of being a good listener.
Gail Brenner says
I love this story about Job, Paul. What a great illustration of the power – and truth – of silence.
You describe the challenge very clearly of being with people in grief – can we bear it? Can we sit with the reality of the moment, even when it’s hard and we want to resist?
What beautiful work you are offering…Thanks so much for sharing this.
paul mckay says
Thanks, Gail. Always look forward to your postings.
winsomebella says
I needed this reminder to listen fully, just like I sometimes need to remind myself to read fully. Thanks.
Gail Brenner says
We all need reminders from time to time, Bella. I’m glad this one resonated with you.
Chris Akins says
Gail,
I really enjoy reading your blog. You come up with some very insightful posts. This one is a real gem. For me, it highlights the importance of listening to ones self, and being guided by ones values. I think many people are disconnected from who they are in our society, and plod along doing what is expected of them, instead of learning and pursuing the purpose of their lives.
Chris
Gail Brenner says
Hi Chris,
What you say here is so true. Sadly, many people are disconnected from themselves and plod along on automatic. This makes listening to oneself essential. When we check in, the answers are there. We know what we want, we are in touch with our values and what is important to us. This is the inner listening that can take us from hardly alive to fully alive.
Thanks so much for this insightful comment.
Galen Pearl says
I went through the training to become a Stephen Minister at my church. Most of the training was about listening! Also, in the Shambhala mindfulness training I am doing now, we spend time truly listening to each other. It is a skill many of us need some training in. Your post reminded me of something I just wrote down in my notebook of ideas yesterday. “Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d rather have been talking.” –Aristotle
Gail Brenner says
I love that quote from Aristotle, Galen. Thanks for mentioning it. “Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d rather have been talking.”
One way I think about listening is in meeting the other person where they are – not where you are or where you want them to be. But not resisting exactly where they are. There is so much love in this deep allowing.
Sounds like you are becoming an expert listener – and this skill benefits everyone around you.
King Author says
Silence is king. Tho, i feel personally i must do more of this. But meditation is the way to go. Just 30 minutes a day is enough, you know? Thats all one person needs. And peace of mind is more prevalent, more potent and more effective in ones’s thoughts process.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for stopping by, King Author. Your comment is wisdom speaking – understanding the power of silence.
Wishing you great peace of mind….
Christopher Foster says
I’m proud of my friend Gail and your beautiful, consistent message. There is always a bit of food for the soul here. Just looking at the adorable bird would have been enough, really, but then there was so much more.
I think we can always become a better listener no matter how old we are: and not just to words, of course, but to the stillness between the words where the real person we truly are resides.
Gail Brenner says
I’m basking in the glow of your words, Chris. “Thank you” doesn’t even begin to express how I feel.
Yes, the silence between the words – the portal to the deepest peace.
Oceans of love to you…
Susie Amundson says
Hi Gail.
Your post is so timely for me as I reflected back to a conversation with a long-term friend. We hadn’t seen each other for a year and we went on a most beautiful and strenuous bicycle ride. I realized when I returned home that I hadn’t truly listened to her — being silent and really hear her without my mind chatter rolling. She was struggling with some unspoken conflict and I couldn’t hear/see it until I was at home in my own silence. I now need to make a reconnect as I truly wasn’t quiet enough AND maybe that strenuous bike ride was a bit of a distraction.
Wow, did I learn a lot of lessons from that one! Listening absolutely requires my attention and presence.
Warmly.
Susie
Gail Brenner says
This is so beautiful to hear, Susie, that you realized you weren’t listening. Now you have a chance for a reconnect! Our lessons are everywhere, aren’t they, even in the midst of a bike ride.
Love to you…
Deb Perkins says
Hi Gail,
Connecting to silence is a main focus for me right now. I don’t think of it as something I actively do; I think of it as more or less what I AM. When I am in that awareness, life takes on a certain majesty. My senses are heightened, there is a vibrant aliveness pulsating. I feel very connected, peaceful, appreciative. I’m wise, I’m open, I’m out of my story. Then I naturally listen, with no personal agenda. As you said, this is the greatest gift. It is silence meeting silence, even though there are words. Thanks for posting this wonderful aspect of living.
Deb
Gail Brenner says
Deb,
Your words ring with Truth, and bear repeating. When we read them, we all feel the resonance. Thank you.
“My senses are heightened, there is a vibrant aliveness pulsating. I feel very connected, peaceful, appreciative. I’m wise, I’m open, I’m out of my story. Then I naturally listen, with no personal agenda.”
Tess The Bold Life says
Hi Gail,
I think I’ll be aiming to be a better listener for the rest of my life. I don’t know anyone who listens too much!
Gail Brenner says
This is such a great point, Tess. We can always keep our intention to listen alive in our daily lives. And as you say, we can never listen too much!
Thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to comment.
Ereline says
I thank you so much for this post. It states so well the power of listening and how to acquire the skill. I was always surprised, as a teacher of fourth graders, that no one had taken the time to teach the children how to stop and listen. The other teachers would complain about their children, the parents would complain about their children, but no one took the time to deal with the problem, only the symptoms of the problem.
For the majority of my years of teaching, children and adults, the first lesson I teach is the power of listening.
Thanks so much!
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Ereline,
Thank you SO much for realizing the importance of listening and for teaching it to others so beautifully. It’s such a simple lesson, obvious once we see it, but not one that is common in our culture, as you have experienced. Your role as a teacher is a powerful one, and you are using it in a way that benefits everyone.
Learning to listen is the beginning of true transformation.
Fr. Michael says
Gail,
I love this post. I haven’t been reading many blogs or been blogging lately myself, but this post about silence is a great reminder to me. Silence feeds my soul, and when it’s lacking in my life I can truly feel it. The author Matthew Kelly speaks about the “Classroom of Silence.” I love that term. Thanks again!
Fr. Michael
Gail Brenner says
Fr. Michael,
“Silence feeds my soul.” This is so true. When we know silence and live from there, our actions reflect our true intention.
I love how we remind each other of what is truly important in our lives.
Vlad ~ Simpler Life says
Hi Gail,
Thank you for your post. It reminded me of my experience in silence while attending meditation retreats. There is communication in silence that can not be achieved through speech. Silence purifies in so many ways. Many times I found having to force myself to resume verbal communication after the retreat was over. One time I would love the opportunity to remain in silence indefinitely! (I would still want to write though).
Thanks again,
Vlad
Gail Brenner says
I know that exact experience, Vlad! After silent retreats, I still did not feel moved to chatter like everyone else. In fact, my brain couldn’t put the words together.
Maybe the invitation is to discover silence – even in the midst of noise. Then you can be silent indefinitely! And that is where your creative words come from.
Enjoy yourself…