“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.”
~African Proverb
Congratulations! You’ve done it! You’re sick and tired of suffering. You’ve realized that the struggles in your life are your responsibility. You don’t want to keep repeating the same patterns over and over. You are ripe for transformation. Good for you!
Change must be in the air, as your comments and emails so aptly attest to. I feel a momentum of readers here recognizing how they are blocked, walled off, stuck in a rut – wanting to change, but still finding themselves playing out the same old, same old.
This post is all about, “Now what?” You are willing to get serious about not letting these patterns continue. You are eager to take action, but what do you do? Get out the shovel, the clippers, the fertilizer, and the hoe. It’s time to tend to your inner garden.
As you set the stage for change, be willing to get a little dirt on your hands. Stay conscious so you can discriminate the weeds from the beautiful flowers and plants that bring you joy. Learn to sow and fertilize seeds that support your happiness, peace, and well-being.
As you give your consistent, loving attention to the tendencies that don’t serve, they begin to unravel. And when you cultivate a lifestyle that keeps you from going to sleep and letting your patterns run wild, the freedom you long for shows up at your doorstep.
Are you ready, willing, and able? Here’s how.
Inquire
Begin by asking yourself questions that illuminate every detail of this conditioned tendency that has found a home in you. Identify the roots, stem, and leaves – what drives you, your inner reaction, and your behavior choices. Keep an open heart and mind as you ask yourself:
- What am I experiencing in my body?
- What story am I telling myself that is keeping this tendency alive?
- What do I believe to be true about myself, other people, and the world in this situation?
- What are my expectations of how things are supposed to be?
- What am I assuming?
- How do I go from relaxation to suffering? Exactly how does this pattern develop and manifest?
Receive
You now have a whole lot of information about how these pesky troubles arise. Next, take your time with the answer to each of these questions. Let yourself go from thinking about the responses to a felt experience of them in your being. Walk in your garden and smell every rose.
This step makes the unconscious conscious. It awakens us to the truth of these tendencies, so they can no longer hide. It brings light to the darkness, compassion to what we have rejected or pushed away. It takes us out of the well-worn rut so we can pause, breathe, and observe.
- Close your eyes and receive the response to each question in silence, in stillness.
- Feel the sensations in your body, one by one.
- Tap into your inner wise one, then see the stories and belief systems with clarity. Are they actually true? Do they serve?
- Review the process of how you go from relaxation to suffering, feeling each step. Get to know this experience with great familiarity.
Open
This step is about breaking the chains from the past. It invites you to be open to new possibilities, to venture out into the unknown. There is an inflexibility to repeating a pattern – the ones that get us into trouble. A happens, then B, then C, and without even realizing it, you are reacting in the same unpleasant, automatic way. It’s frustrating. Your heart is beating, but you aren’t truly alive.
By inquiring, then allowing yourself to receive fully, the pattern just can’t hold up in the same way. The jig is up, and the light has been turned on. As that happens, inflexibility is replaced by openness. New ways of responding become apparent. The soil of your being is rich for new seeds to be planted. You see the same old situations and people with fresh eyes – truly as if for the first time.
Maybe you will walk away. Maybe you will discover the kindest heart ever. Maybe you will discover that silence is golden. Be prepared for the unexpected.
Openness asks us to yield to the mystery, to not know, to make space for sane, appropriate responding to take shape. We behave in alignment with the moment, rather than being propelled by old baggage. We are alive, spacious, and true.
Rinse and Repeat
I can’t say this often enough: True transformation requires a true commitment. You don’t explore a pattern once in a while or only when you’re really hurting. Make your freedom a continual choice. Orient your whole life to wholeness, and the riches of the kingdom will be revealed to you.
Be a dabbler, and your movement is likely to go at a snail’s pace, if at all. Your garden will be overgrown, and your fields fallow.
Create room for stillness. Read inspiring books (and blogs). Spend time with fellow lovers of life. Commit to no longer letting your patterns run you, and the whole world is yours.
Are you stuck in a pattern? Have you found your way out? I’d love to hear…
Hilary says
Hi Gail .. wonderful photo – love that .. superb .. and the African quote is so true – it’s remembering that we have no enemy within.
Getting unstuck .. I’m on the way to doing that by preparing for the future, learning the many myriad of things that I need to know .. and meeting many great people along the way.
Putting the past behind and letting the future flow out into the openness ahead … tending and garnering as I go .. so my garden flourishes..
Love the thought that I’m on the way .. cheers Hilary
Gail Brenner says
Great to see you over here, Hilary. And beautiful to hear that you are on the way.
I know your commitment is true, and your garden is bound to flourish. When we commit to getting unstuck, somehow life aligns to give us exactly what we need.
Love to you…
Sandy says
I love this post and I have to say that the photo you included is breathtaking. Just beautiful.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Sandy.
As soon as I saw that photo, I knew it was the one for this post. I am moved, as are you, by such a lovely garden.
May all of our inner gardens flourish beautifully.
winsomebella says
I love how you guide us from making the decision to become unstuck to taking the action needed to make that happen. And the image of a garden is delightful. Thanks.
Gail Brenner says
You are most welcome, Bella.
We can read about change forever, but eventually we need to put all our learning into practice.
And this journey bears so much fruit.
Love to you…
Galen Pearl says
You hit the target on this post with the text AND the photo! Like other commenters, I was immediately drawn to the photo of the garden. Don’t we all want our inner gardens (and our outer ones!) to look like this?!
I find that the first step–the inquiry–is often the most challenging. It’s so hard sometimes to see our own pattern. Just yesterday I was irritated with someone. Then I realized that was I was irritated about was exactly something I do myself. We sometimes don’t see our own expectations and assumptions.
Pema Chodron said that if we truly recognized how miserable our habits make us, we would practice change “like our hair is on fire.” Your “now what” advice is motivating and timely. Thank you!
Gail Brenner says
Hi Galen,
When we orient our lives toward truth and freedom, the inquiry begins to come a bit easier. Like the example you gave, we notice when something is off – it could be as subtle as tension in the body – and we make the choice to stop, pause, and check out our experience to see what is going on. And sometimes what we see is quite miserable.
I know there are times when I have experienced great sorrow when I realize how my habits have brought suffering to myself and others. And for me, this sorrow has been a great motivator.
You have clearly been bitten by the truth bug, Galen, and once that happens, you can’t go backward. Enjoy the ride!
Chris Akins says
Hi Gail,
As usual a wonderful post. And timely, too. I’ve been getting some feedback from different sources about some of my weaknesses. While its tough to take, sometimes, its hard to argue when the same feedback comes from multiple, unrelated, sources.
Through reflection I’ve found some of the feedback to be true, and am working on changing in these areas. Your post frames some of the things Ive been doing very nicely, and gives me a different perspective.
Thanks!
Chris
Gail Brenner says
I salute you, Chris, for your dedication and honesty. Only by being willing to tell the truth and hear the truth can we free ourselves.
Your path is opening up in marvelous ways, even though it may not always be easy or comfortable. I wish you well on your journey…
Sibyl says
Oooohhhh…I really liked this post Gail. What’s new right? 🙂 I always love your wisdom and inspiration. I really appreciated what you said about not dabbling in making true changes and improvements in our understanding and how we live our lives. It is something that we have to stay continually dedicated to and work at each and every day. I do believe we have to break those patterns that are working against us and once we do, we open ourselves up to really living in the most amazing ways. Thanks for another great one.
Gail Brenner says
That’s it, Sibyl. It takes the dedication to be full-on about our freedom from these tricky patterns. Dabbling just doesn’t do it.
And I’m sure you know the benefits of paying close attention so that real change can happen.
Gordon Simmons says
Gail, your kind admonition to not be a dabbler is so very important! Changing patterns takes commitment as you point out so well. Imaging running a marathon if you’ve chosen only to train once in a while for it. You’d be doomed to failure. But commit to the goal, and anyone can be a marathoner!
Gail Brenner says
So true, Gordon, and I love your comparison to running a marathon. That commitment to being aware of our experience is essential because the momentum of patterns is very strong.
Deb Perkins says
Hi Gail,
I have been inquiring, receiving, opening, and then rinsing and repeating (in my mind) all week. Thank-you so much for your well-put wisdom. The basic crux of my pattern is really people-pleasing because I am afraid of the consequences of stating my needs and because I think I am responsible for other people’s state of mind. I feel myself at the crossroads every time. It’s not really an automatic response to fall back into these old patterns; I notice myself hesitating a second and then choosing the easy way out. Darn. The difficult/challenging way out is really a way in. I just have to remember that. I don’t always have the wherewithal at the time to skillfully choose the appropriate option, so with the hesitation comes the pressure to hurry up and make a decision, and I choose unwisely. I am going to reframe my tendencies and just wait in glorious anticipation for the next “people pleasing episode” to arise. When it does, I will view it as a golden door to my awakening…yes, it’s heavy, and yes, I don’t know where it will lead, but I am open to the adventure. I will take my time, asking for a time out if I have to, to go around the block and decide what I really want to say. I will honor this door’s blessings with appreciation. I will slowly and deliberately open it at my own pace and trust in the other side that awaits. There are a lot of rinse and repeat opportunities to get my arm strong and my head on straight. I will cherish each one, and be grateful for the no-going-back growth it will provide.
Gail Brenner says
Deb,
You make a couple of essential points here. First, we might be aware of the pattern but choose it anyway. I definitely know this from my own experience. As far as I can see, it is an issue of readiness. By seeing the suffering the pattern entails, it already is beginning to wind down. Eventually, there will be a moment of, “Enough,” and your choice will be a different, more affirming one. Have great compassion for yourself in the meantime.
Also, I love that you mention slowing things down and waiting until you are certain of your response. Patterns rush through like a flash flood, so having the intention to slow down, check in, breathe, make sure – all support freedom, peace, and well-being.
As you note, this path is rarely all-or-nothing. We make a little progress, then find ourselves choosing suffering again. This is the nature of habits and freedom from them. It isn’t a problem. We are asked to stay willing, consistent, and aware, and everything else takes care of itself.
Love to you…
Michelle says
“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.”
~African Proverb
Very true adage.
I mean why wage war with ourselves? Seems abit dumb actually =) But plenty of us do it to ourselves.
Basically, we teach people how to treat us. It does not matter what we tell ourselves on a conscious level, if deep down we do not believe it. We create our own reality based upon what we believe.
When we reject ourselves, we send subtle signals to others to reject us as well. What we must understand is that it is not what we say to others that is important, it is the language that we speak to ourselves.
I have come across your site at a very particular time in my life and i am so glad. I was labelled with BPD years ago and that way of “Being” has not only been the bane of my life, I have let that part of me control my thoughts and actions for many years. Mental illness can be such an powerful dictator of our lives if we let it. I’m now stepping out to get help because i’ve had enough of being hurt and hurting others.
Self-destructive behaviour serves no purpose at all.
It is our thoughts that determine our state of mind. If we constantly cherish negative and destructive thoughts, inner peace will always remain a far cry. At all costs, we need to avoid pursuing trains of negative thoughts. We cannot attain mastery of our thoughts over night. At the same time we always have to remember that we are able to decide which thoughts to follow and which to reject. We should never feel we are helpless victims to our thoughts.
Thanks for your wisdom and inspiration.
You have given me hope whilst i am in this low ebb.
Thankyou
Gail Brenner says
You are most welcome here, Michelle, and I thank you for sharing so honestly.
Obviously, you are learning so many valuable lessons – probably the most important one being that we can choose happiness in any moment by putting an end to cherishing negative and destructive thoughts.
You are clearly not a dabbler. The more that we are willing to be aware in every moment and choose not to perpetuate self-defeating patterns, the greater our chances for the peace we all long for.
Wishing you oceans of support in every way…
Nicole says
Gail, this is my first time to your website and I feel like I have been searching for it for 10 years! Thank you for such an inspiring article and picture. I also love the proverb. I am going through some changes in my life now and can say that I am moving to the Receive phase. Thank you for laying these steps out. I’m looking forward to receiving…
Gail Brenner says
I’m so glad you found your way here, Nicole! Welcome to you….
I sense your openness, which is a fundamental quality needed for a fruitful investigation of your habits. It sounds like you are well on your way to getting unstuck.
Wishing you endless receiving…
Debbie says
Thank you
I so appreciated your wisdom. I am so tired of repeating this pattern and suffering. I followed your instruction. It almost frighting to read my answers. I will practice.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Debbie. Sometimes we need to hit bottom before we are willing to stop the pattern of suffering. Although it may take some time, if you diligently follow what the post suggests, your habits will soften. They can’t hold up to the power of presence and true inquiry.
Be kind to yourself, but don’t let yourself off the hook. You are welcome to let me know how it goes. You are embarking on a marvelous journey…