“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”
~Thornton Wilder
Note: This post is part of the 10 Life-Changing Facts series. Feel free to check out the other posts on fear, habits, and attachment.
Let’s tell the truth. If you feel held back in any area of your life and have the sense that there must be something more, your inner critic is alive and well. There is nothing helpful about the way the inner critic guides you. Who finds it supportive to be incessantly doubted, devalued, and deflated?
But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you learn to recognize the inner critic in all its disguises and commit to no longer letting this voice dominate you, you can return to wholeness. After all, you in all your awesome glory, are not limited, needy, scared, and small. You are vast and spacious, infinitely creative and endlessly at peace.
Study these facts about the inner critic, then apply them to your own experience – relentlessly. The thoughts may remain, but they will lose their power over you. After all, would you tolerate for one second someone else saying the things to you that you say to yourself? Don’t wait one more second to reclaim the life that is rightfully yours.
10 Life-Changing Facts
1. Self-critical thoughts mask the truth. Do you believe that you are incapable or unworthy? These beliefs hide your inherent wholeness, enthusiasm, and potential.
2. The past doesn’t predict the future. The root of self-critical thoughts is in our experiences in the past. News flash: The past is over. See yourself and the situations you are in with the innocent eyes of a child. You will realize that the conclusions you drew from the past no longer apply. Who are you now?
3. The inner critic is a habitual way of thinking. As with any habit, you need to study how it arises and plays out. What triggers it? What does it say? How does it make you feel in your body? What does it make you do or not do as a consequence? As you get to know it intimately, you see it for what it is – thoughts, feelings, physical sensations – and it begins to no longer define who you are.
4. The inner critical voice is learned. It is not naturally occurring or present at birth, which is very good news. It is a layer of conditioning that is absolutely possible to unwind. As it loosens its grip on you, the unconditioned you begins to shine through – light, joyful, alive, happy, open.
5 .Self-criticism may be at the root of unhealthy tendencies and addictions. When the inner critic goes unattended, it can lead to all sorts of trouble – making poor relationship choices, abusing substances, accepting “good enough” and giving up on your passions and interests, sustained unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Make it a priority to reflect on your thoughts and feelings. Learn what subtle patterns underlie your discontent, and address them. This is the path that will set you free.
6. Believing self-critical thoughts creates separation. Do you feel alone, abnormal, not a part of this world, unworthy? Then the inner critic is in control. You are believing thoughts without checking to see if they are actually true. Investigate them, and simply say, “No thank you,” to thoughts that don’t serve your happiness and well being.
7. Love heals. The inner critic is built on the illusion that you are damaged, lacking, or insufficient. Rather than continuing to live according to these false stories, welcome the hurt feelings into your tender, open heart. Receive them with kindness, and you will know firsthand that love heals.
8. Inattention and ignoring feed the inner critic. Instead, turn to face these challenging parts of yourself. With compassion, lean into the hardest places. Learn about them with open-hearted curiosity. They can’t help but surrender in the face of love and acceptance. Then they begin to lose their power over you.
9. The inner critic might be protecting you. These nagging and demeaning thoughts might be keeping you from realizing your inherent greatness. As the strength of these thoughts melts away, you may find that changes are inevitable – in the realms of work, relationships, how you spend your time. Even though you may be afraid, be exhilarated by realigning your life circumstances with the truth of who you really are, rather than with the fiction of the inner critic.
10. Funny as it sounds, the goal is not to do away with the inner critic. Don’t resist it in any way. Make the radical choice to turn to meet it fully with love and understanding, like you would a hurt and lonely child. See it clearly with a laser focus. Even if the thoughts don’t disappear, you will have the objectivity to effortlessly let go of what doesn’t serve and cultivate what does.
The inner critic just might be a blessing in disguise. Don’t avoid it any longer or let it define your reality. Know it, embrace it, love it, let it melt into the whole of you. Then go forth and enjoy!
Does your inner critic control you? Have you discovered freedom from it? I’d love to hear…
Olivia says
Very encouraging post 🙂 Up until recently my inner critic controlled me. I just accepted thoughts like ‘Oh, you could never do that.’ or ‘You’re lazy and that’s just who you are.’ Watched all my friends climb up huge ladders of success with jealousy. It’s certainly kept me back from fulfilling my dreams and I have noone to blame but myself. It’s wonderful to be able to sit here and write this now knowing that I can change it.
I’ve been able to listen to the criticism, hear it, and allow it to just encourage me to do something more. I’m 23 now and have dragged myself through school and life. Ignoring the critic is allowing me to return to school to try and earn a place at Medical school. I’m staying positive and not believing the self critic, as you said. Determined to get far and at least attempt my dreams. No more ‘what if’ in my life. I’ll die trying 🙂
Olivia says
I also went and read back over the posts you highlighted at the start and found this quote.
“Habits can’t sustain themselves in the light of conscious awareness”
All I can say is that sums up how i’ve managed to changed my life so far.
Gail Brenner says
I am celebrating with you, Olivia! You have shown that what I speak about in this post is absolutely possible. When we bring conscious awareness to the limiting belief systems and despairing feelings, we can choose differently. As you exemplify, we do not need to be held hostage by the inner critic.
Your fire is inspiring. “No more ‘what if’ in my life. I’ll die trying.” This level of dedication is sure to get results, as you are experiencing.
By taking the inner critic out of the picture, you have made the space for your future to unfold in its natural way – with no personal limits from you. I wish you so much success and happiness.
Andrew Olson says
Hi Gail,
I think you really touched on the key of self-criticism – it’s a habit. It’s something that, like you said, is not there at birth, but learned as we go along. Some of us deeply engrain the cynical/critical habit until it becomes a part of us. The key then is to simply start eroding that habit and building one of love and non-judgmental acceptance in it’s place.
Gail Brenner says
This is so right-on Andrew – Eroding the habit of self-criticism with love and non-judgmental acceptance. Cultivate love and accept all experience as is, and there is no place for the inner critic – or any other self-defeating pattern. So clear…thank you.
Patrick d says
Hi Gail I’m attempting to see if your still available on here these posts are fairly old, but I’m new lol.
Thanks patrick
Gail Brenner says
Hi Patrick,
Yes, I still respond to these comments. There are almost 6 years of articles in the archives, and I still publish at least once a month, so this site is current.
Galen Pearl says
I see much of what you wrote in my foster daughter’s continuing struggle with her inner critic. So much of her struggle comes from, just as you said, habitual thinking rooted in the past. A Course in Miracles says, “The only wholly true thing we can say about the past is that it is not here.” Over and over, she gets to the edge of success and then backs away or sabotages herself in some way. It is hard to watch.
On another note, I just wanted to say that your posts on fear and habits are still in my file–two of the best articles on these topics I have ever read.
Gail Brenner says
Thank you so much, Galen – I’m happy these articles are part of your library.
Even though the past is not actually here, our habitual reactions may be. It can take a long time for the mind and body to lose those ingrained habits. I’m sure it’s hard to watch, but your foster daughter is so lucky to have you in her life – I am certain you are a huge support for her on her journey.
I have found that people change in their own time, when they are ready. Just being there, living as the truth, inviting and accepting without pushing may be doing more than we realize.
winsomebella says
Another timely reminder: “You will realize that the conclusions you drew from the past no longer apply. ” Thanks.
Gail Brenner says
This is essential understanding, Winsomebella. We draw conclusions from the past – this is natural – but they must be tested to see if they are actually true. Going through this process with all of our beliefs and mental structures we live by helps to declutter our internal experience, leaving space, lightness, peace.
Debbie@HappyMaker says
Way to go Gail. That inner critic does have to be tamed.
When i was growing up my mother use to tell me I didn’t do this right or that right. As I got older I figure I pretty much couldn’t do anything right.
After having talk with her, she said she was sorry, but she was just trying to teach me to do things right.
once i realize where this came from I could let it go and fix it. We do have to be very careful of self talk.
Thanks again Gail for the reminder to change our lives with these 10 wonderful tips.
Blessing to you,
Debbie
Gail Brenner says
Debbie,
I’m so happy that you had a useful conversation with your mother that helped you let go of the inner critic. As many people know, these conversations don’t always work, so I’m glad it was a good experience for you. Even if we are unable to have these conversations, it can definitely help to see what factors led to someone criticizing us. Criticisms from others are not about us, they reflect the inner agitation and misunderstanding of the one doing the criticizing. This is an insight that can help to set the inner critic free.
Thanks so much for this very useful point.
Karen says
Hi Gail, I criticise my husband quite a lot, he obviously does not live up to my expectations, I am the one who has to control the bills etc, I know it will all collapse if I don’t. But I don’t want the control and I feel I have always been a care taker all my life. I want someone to care for me. I know he loves me, he says he does but It’s like I don’t want this life, but if I leave I might regret it and disrupt the security I have made for myself. …and I don’t mean money, I spend my life checking to see the bills are all paid and the house is in order between working as a beauty therapist. I don’t feel cherished, he’s not very communicative by nature, it drives me insane. Been married for 30 years. I need to break out but I’m scared. Xx
Gail Brenner says
Does he know how you feel, Karen? Maybe give him a deadline – that you’ll take care of the bills for one more month, then the two of you need a new plan. Then stop doing it. And if things collapse, he will be partly responsible, and you will have a clear answer. But maybe your openness about your limits will inspire some change on his part. You don’t know until you try.
Maybe also set other limits, being very specific about the kind and amount of communication you want. Let him know what you need to be happy and satisfied in the relationship. Then he has a chance to give those things to you. And if he doesn’t, he’s letting you know what his limits are and that he’s not willing to work with you to improve things, then you may not feel so afraid to break out.
David says
Hi Gail,
Thank you for this. My inner critic has tapped me on the shoulder numerous times….thank heavens….keeps my imagination flowing and saves me from becoming stale. Your points are great. If your inner voice/critic is speaking…..listen!
Thanks again &
Be good to yourself
David
Gail Brenner says
Hi David,
It sounds like you have found a way to harness the power of the inner critic to support your imagination. Most people say that the inner critic limits them, but you seem to be saying the opposite. Certainly, it’s essential to recognize when the voice of the inner critic is speaking so it doesn’t operate underground. Then we can make a conscious choice about how we want to move forward.
Thanks for an interesting addition to the conversation.
David says
Hi Gail,
It only “limits” us if we let it. Often it is a wake up call to look at things in a different light.
be good to yourself
David
Gail Brenner says
I had a feeling that’s what you meant, David. Thank you for clarifying. When we notice the inner critic, it can be a wake-up call to take a look at how we are thinking and the choices we are making. Then everything is useful – no need to get rid of anything, including the inner critic!
Susie Amundson/ Wise says
Hi Gail.
I really liked your list about the inner critic (my bully). I do believe, like you, that moving in and understanding this bully girl or boy with our head and heart provides a wonderful healing path.
You may have read the book that I’m reading now and so enjoying — The Mindful Path of Self-Compassion by Christopher Germer. Perhaps your readers would like it too.
I’m sensing we are on a new movement of self-compassion! Hallelujah.
Thanks so much.
Susie
Gail Brenner says
Hi Susie,
I’ve heard of this book and the movement of self-compassion but haven’t read it. Bringing love and compassion to all parts of ourselves, including our beliefs about ourselves and reactions to others, is the medicine we have been asking for. Then we can be at rest, relaxed and at ease, with whatever happens.
Sofia Reddy says
I agree with the point that believing critical thoughts creates separation! How true! I’ve been working on this (personally and for my clients). Somehow we get caught in this web of thoughts that are not always true, but somehow we convince ourselves the thoughts are facts. We believe the inner critic, and when we do, that gives our power away. We can reclaim that power by making a conscious effort to separate ourselves from our thoughts, which often can be inaccurate (instead of distancing from supportive & loving people in our lives). When we create some distance from our thoughts, we can then work towards uncovering the truth – that not all thoughts are facts. We don’t have to agree with the inner critic!
Gail Brenner says
Beautifully said, Sofia. This is an important point you are making about separating ourselves from our thoughts. Then we can discover that we are not our thoughts and can investigate to understand that the thoughts aren’t even true. And if we are not our thoughts, who are we? Interesting question. When all beliefs and identities fall away, all that’s left is limitless peace, full of potential.
Tess The Bold Life says
Hi Gail,
I love no. one and knew this but never put into words about hiding the truth. And the ‘love heals’ says it all.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Tess,
I love how you say that believing the inner critic is hiding the truth. It’s imagining we are something way less than we actually are. And in my experience, as in yours, love heals everything.
Carol Fabric says
Gail,
What a wonderful post! All of your content is so rich and optimistic while still being realistic and practical.
I recently wrote a book, “Beginning Saint”, that you may be interested. It addresses the importance in understanding and evolving the saint in each of us. I believe you may find it’s practicality especially refreshing, as our viewpoints seem to be aligned. I’m happy to send you a review copy!
I’d love to stay in touch. I look forward to reading future posts!
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for stopping by, Carol. Much success with your book.
Sibyl says
Really great article Gail. I think the inner critic can often go undetected and do so much damage before we even realize what is going on. I really appreciated all the ways you advised us we could detect the inner critic and then what we can do to chip away at it. Really great list and information. Thanks for passing it along.
Gail Brenner says
It’s so true, Sibyl, that the inner critic can go undetected. We get so used to its whisper at a low level, that we don’t realize the impact that it is having. But the symptoms are always there – boredom, dissatisfaction, alienation, unhappiness. These are the clues that invite us to look deeper and see what is actually going on. Then transformation is possible.
Felicity says
Gail, my dear friend Jane from the wonderful blog http://www.lifeonplanetbaby.com shared this article as a gift and I would like to thank you so much for the powerful truths contained in your writing.
I have printed this and will need to read it often as my inner critic has quite a loud voice.
It’s going to be such a pleasure to explore the rest of this space and find what other treasures are contained within.
Happy day!
Felicity x
http://[email protected]
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Felicity! The loud voice of the inner critic is really asking for love and attention. As we love those hurting parts of ourselves, rather than believe the story they tell us, they begin to be soothed and are less in control.
I’m happy you found your way here. Happy exploring!