“You can’t punish yourself into change. You can’t whip yourself into shape. But you can love yourself into well being.”
~Susan Skye
Feelings are a natural part of the landscape of human experience. Joy, sadness, concern, anger, excitement, jealousy, fear, misery. These emotions are intimately woven into the stories of our lives.
Yet we avoid certain feelings like the plague, and understandably so.
- Intense and painful feelings can be frightening or overwhelming.
- We feel out of control and don’t know what to do with them.
- We have no role models to guide us.
- Our schools and families fail us in this most essential instruction.
- Everything about our post modern, feel-good, get-ahead culture encourages us to deny their existence.
How surprising to discover, then, that taking the radical approach of turning to meet feelings rather than avoiding them is the cure for our dis-ease. If we want to be truly happy, we need to stop erecting barriers to our feelings. Instead, with an open heart and curious mind, we must learn to deconstruct them into their most basic elements so we can know exactly what they are.
Only then do they stop driving our choices.
Avoiding Feelings Creates Trouble
Unexamined feelings cause trouble – have you noticed? The avoidance of feelings is the undeniable culprit in your addictions, self-defeating behavior patterns, and interpersonal strife. They contribute to feeling separate, alienated, and alone.
Take a look at any area of your life that isn’t working for you, and I guarantee you will find some painful feelings lurking.
Certain feelings seem so commonplace that we don’t question them. I used to wake up every morning with a subtle sense of anxiety and dread. Some of us live with a low level of sadness or confusion. We take these experiences as normal until we get serious about being truly happy and begin to investigate them.
I say, “No more.” No more “good enough.” No more resigning ourselves to a fraction of the happiness that is actually possible. No more playing out of patterns that hurt ourselves and others under the guise of normalcy. Learn to navigate the terrain of your feelings and you will cease being a victim to them.
Relentless Dedication is Required
The very good news is that we can learn to deal intelligently with feelings. How do I know? It’s been my journey. I finally got fed up with my personal struggles and found the way through to happiness. And I can tell you that it is imperative to learn how to embrace feelings. Only then are you available to the truth of the moment that allows you to make conscious and appropriate choices about what you say or do. In other words, sanity.
Leave feelings unexamined, and you will be driven by them. Take an entirely different approach of bringing feelings out of the shadows, and the possibilities for joy, peace, and fulfillment are endless. You can be a slave to your feelings, or you can be free. What do you choose?
This path of freedom which leads us into the foreign land of feelings is not for the timid or faint of heart. If you are attached to your dramas or afraid to step away from what is known and predictable, you won’t get very far. The more you put up for grabs, the more willing you are to examine every single thing about your experience, the greater the riches that are available to you for sure.
Prepare Yourself for the Lessons
Recently, a client came in absolutely elated. She had been diligently applying the lessons about feelings to long-standing, persistent anxiety. She was thrilled that she had barely felt anxious in weeks. She says, “Before, I thought I had to combat it. I tried to breathe it away or exercise it away.” And now? “I accept it. I notice the bodily sensations that I experience and feel compassion toward them.” So simple, but a revolutionary outcome.
What are these lessons? We will spell them out in the next post or two. In preparation, bear in mind that these are not just words to bring a few minutes of a pleasant feeling to your day. Absorb each of these instructions into every cell of your being. Apply them relentlessly to the moments of your life. Dedicate yourself to happiness and freedom consistently in all of your actions, and you will realize the peace you are looking for.
Do less, and your suffering will sustain.
Are you ready? Begin by contemplating these questions:
- How you run from your feelings. What habits and tendencies do you play out that are driven by unexamined feelings?
- What are these feelings?
- What are you willing to change, give up, or let go of to be free from suffering? Are you fed up enough to try a new way?
You are welcome to share your answers in the comments, or simply respond in the privacy of your own experience. In the next post, we will get down to the nuts and bolts of what you need to know to intelligently address your feelings and how to integrate this understanding into your everyday life. In the meantime, relax and be kind to yourself. Breathe and soften. The true medicine is on its way.
OccasionallySerene says
I used to say “I have only one feeling, and you can’t hurt it.” For years it was a mantra that built a wall around me that was virtually impenetrable. It took a lot of effort to topple that wall and while I still definitely can get in the mindset of one feeling – I never utter the words anymore. That facade is mostly gone and I am more accessible to others and vulnerable. I have to admit that I am not always comfortable in that reality, it is a bit like being a child again and having found something to new get lost in and excited (and a little scared) about exploring. Looking forward to reading about the the tools Gail.
Gail Brenner says
I am so happy for you, OS that the facade is breaking down. Building a wall is separation, and it doesn’t feel good, as I’m sure you know.
Most of us aren’t comfortable in the realm of feelings, but developing this facility is essential for our liberation. Stay tuned…
Bonnie Perry says
I often think that if I had an opportunity to re-parent my children, as early as “sandbox” years, when they came running to me with, for instance, a story of anger at a playmate I would handle it completely differently. I would use my words carefully and not label the child as anger itself, even to say “I’m sorry you are angry or sad” and instead inform them that a feeling of anger or sadness was visiting them for a little bit but that they were still okay. Then when we talked together about the story associated with it there would be some space for some relaxation around it and less need to defend it. I look forward to reading more of your posts about the dynamic about feelings and am grateful for this beautiful blog that shares so honestly. Thank you again.
Gail Brenner says
Bonnie,
Your comment is a primer for parents on how to receive their children. Even though you weren’t able to say these things to your own children, you are passing along your wisdom to others, and I thank you for that. And it’s never too late – maybe your children can benefit from hearing about your realization, if they don’t know already.
When we can be with feelings as they are, there is space and the opportunity for relaxation. Always the possibility of a new and freeing way…
MaryBeth says
Wow! This really helps me. I often say to my darlings, “I’m sorry you’re sad or mad. or whatever.” But I’m going to try this. “That feeling is visiting you for a little while and you’re okay. It will pass. Hang in there.” Thanks Gail for this great post. I try not to run from or apologize for feelings, but it is difficult when the feelings are unpleasant.
Gail Brenner says
Your darlings are so fortunate, MaryBeth! A feeling is just like weather – a cloud that comes and eventually departs. A very important point is to learn not to be afraid of them – even when they are unpleasant. If we resist, they hang around. If we allow them fully in the space of awareness, they cease causing trouble.
Debbie@HappyMaker says
Hi Gail,
We do build walls around our selves if we don’t let the feeling through. By avoiding our feeling we stop ourselves from moving forward and learning.
When we use our feeling we grow stronger.
Great article and thank you for reminding us to let go and enjoy the feelings. They make us a better person.
Debbie
Gail Brenner says
I’m all in favor of breaking down walls, Debbie, and feelings give us a chance to do this. Thanks so much for your sweet comment.
Sandra Pawula says
Hi Gail,
This is the heart of the matter, isn’t it?
I agree wholeheartedly that “turning to meet feelings rather than avoiding them is the cure for our dis-ease.”
I’ve been working with loving kindness meditation, expanding my love for myself and whatever emotions arise in my life. It is so liberating.
Gail Brenner says
I feel your liberation, Sandra. I am so happy that you are finding your way to peace.
David says
Hello Gail,
Our feelings are part of us so it makes sense to “deal with them”. However I know that I have been guilty of pushing some aside. I’ve improved on this front with more improvement to come. The more that you deal with your emotions & not run away from them, the easier it becomes to get on with living. Thank you.
be good to yourself
David
Gail Brenner says
Hi David,
Who hasn’t been guilty of pushing feelings away? I know I have. It’s natural to seek pleasure and avoid pain. But if we are interested in total freedom, avoiding feelings doesn’t work. We have to discover what is actually driving us so we can be free.
Galen Pearl says
Gosh, am I your long lost twin, somehow separated at birth? Your description of how you used to wake up, how you lived, and how you learned to deal intelligently and compassionately with your feelings, is my story, too. In fact, Step 4 of my 10 Steps is Feel Your Feelings, and I devoted most of my posts in April to this topic.
I found in my own life that denying some feelings meant denying all feelings. Repressing anger meant repressing joy. Denying grief meant denying love. I finally wore myself out from all the effort and energy it took to keep the “bad” feelings at bay. Once they were “loose” I found that they weren’t so scary after all.
I can’t wait to read your next posts. They are sure to be life changing.
Deb says
Gail’s posts are life changing.
Gail Brenner says
A huge cyber hug to you, Deb! Very sweet…
Gail Brenner says
Hello to my sweet twin, Galen, and may all of us blend into one big happy family as we give up the struggle to contain our emotions.
I appreciate your point that repressing one emotions puts walls up to all of them. When we live with the effort of repressing and denying, the joy may bubble up at times, but it is going to be limited. Receiving everything creates space for the light to shine brighter and brighter.
Northstar says
Thank you Gail! Your posts often seem to deal with exactly what I am experiencing. I have been getting acquainted with sadness lately and the more that I just “sit” with it – the more compassion I seem to be developing towards myself. I’m also getting a bit more adept at watching the “story” that sometimes goes with it and allowing it to float by. When I do that then the sensations of sadness can still be there but there is no actual ‘pain’ – if I get into my head and hooked into a story about it – that’s when I experience pain. I look forward to reading your posts about this! It’s perfect timing – thanks again!
Gail Brenner says
Hi there, Northstar. Great minds think alike! The next post will be about exactly what you describe. I’m so happy to hear how this compassionate, effortless way of receiving feelings is revealing the peace that is already here.
BarbW says
Hi Gail, I cannot wait to read about the tools to use in your next few posts. I have been working on my serenity off and on for some years now, and I know that at times I turn to wine and food to “de-stress” or really turn off what is bothering me.
I know I have come close to the deepest stuff from over the years, but like you wrote in this post, not accepting these pains have continued to leave me furtheraway from my peace and joy. Thanks for another opportunity to be well.
Gail Brenner says
I so appreciate your honesty, Barb, about what actions you take to turn away from what is really bothering you. You have an important insight – that attention to the painful places is the medicine for them. Counterintuitive, I know, because we tend to want to seek pleasure and avoid pain, but that’s how it is.
Serenity comes when we end the fight with our experience, whatever it may be, and receive it with a full and open heart. I wish you well…
Joy says
Hi Gail,
For most of my life, I used to ignore/deny/bury any feelings that were “less than”. I know this emotional pain resulted in physical pain..
When I chose to heal past wounds, I began to acknowledge feelings as they surfaced, hold space for them until they pass..there is a natural flow that is peace filled when I honor this process.
Fear of a feeling gives it power to direct my steps, faith in a feeling allows me to fold it in and create with it. And the depth and heart opening that comes with Feeling All leaves me in wonder and gratitude:)
Gail Brenner says
This is poetry, Joy. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. The highlights:
You chose to heal past wounds – something any of us can choose in any moment.
As you learned to hold space for feelings, you discovered “a natural flow that is peace filled when I honor this process.”
Feeling All, without fear, is peace, wonder gratitude – life itself.
I read your words and fall into silence…
Seth Mullins says
Wow, it was really nice to discover your blog today, Gail; and this post felt particularly synchronous to me, as I’d been thinking so much lately about the ways in which burying my feelings creates disruptions in my life. An example: My teen-aged son lives with me only part of the year these days, and our summer trip recently came to an end. This is always a painful experience for me. However, I wasn’t feeling this pain at first. Instead I sank into a mental place of being really critical and frustrated with a lot of situations in my life. Those people close to me no doubt felt my edginess. Luckily, I recognized (thanks to difficult past experience) what I was doing – avoiding my pain – and so when I just accepted that hurt it melted the anger and brought me back to myself.
Very grateful for this article!
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Seth. I am also very glad you discovered this blog!
This story exemplifies the gifts that come with realizing the effects of avoiding, then welcoming feelings. Avoiding them leaks out and creates all kinds of disruptions. The simple choice to accept brought you back to yourself.
Thank you for sharing this experience. It helps everyone to know what is possible.
Sibyl says
Gail: Such a good point. If we are going to ever work through our feelings, then we have to know and acknowledge that they are there. I am looking forward to the next part of the post and I love the recommendation to “Breathe and Soften”. I will definitely be taking that advice right now 😉
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sibyl,
Yes, when it comes to happiness, knowledge is king. We need to know about our experience so we can allow it but not let it drive us into self-defeating habits. “Breathe and soften” is an excellent start!
Todd says
One item above really jumped out at me. It was the subhead “Relentless Dedication is Required.”
In the past year I’ve begun to re-examine how I deal with a depression and anxiety. Like many, I focus my efforts during periods of crisis or its aftermath.
Or worse I live in anticipation of a crisis or something going wrong and it becomes self-fulfilling.
However, I haven’t exhibited “relentless dedication” to growing stronger during more quiet periods. That is precisely the time when I might best be able to make fundamental changes that will help me weather future storms or avoid them altogether.
Gail Brenner says
There is so much wisdom in your comment, Todd, and I completely agree with you. Dealing with deeply-embedded patterns of depression and anxiety does require relentless dedication. Your desire to want to be free of the suffering needs to be stronger than the momentum of the pattern itself. We honor our experience as it shows up, but we don’t need to be held hostage by it and let it define us. And relentless awareness is the key.