“Scared and sacred are spelled with the same letters. Awful proceeds from the same root word as awesome. Terrify and terrific. Every negative experience holds the seed of transformation.”
~Alan Cohen
Anyone who experiences fear knows about fearful thoughts. Without exception, these thoughts project into the future and expect the worst. Should I or shouldn’t I? What if I do – or don’t? The imagination runs wild thinking of all the negative scenarios that could happen.
And the effect? Afraid to move, stuck, limiting yourself, playing it safe. And all the while caught in your spinning mind and missing the beauty of what is real and alive right here and now.
These fear-infused thoughts rob you of happiness and well being that are rightfully yours.
The Rational Approach
As humans, we are blessed to have access to a well-developed frontal cortex, which gives us the capability of being thoughtful and rational. In contrast, fear comes from the limbic system, a more primitive, animalistic part of the brain that drives basic survival.
The intelligent investigation of fearful thoughts invites us to fire up the cortex and subject them to rational analysis.
Now is the time to bring these thoughts out of the shadows. Why wait one moment longer? When they float through your mind without your full attention, they exert their power and control over you.
But with a logical laser focus, you can see through the lies and distortions they make you believe. And, by doing so, you enter into the realm of truth and sanity.
The Truth of the Unknown
At the foundation of every fear-filled thought is a desire to know what cannot be known. This desire manifests as an imagined negative, scary outcome.
- I won’t find a job.
- I’ll always be alone.
- I’m afraid I’ll be rejected.
- What if I fail.
Each of these common thoughts makes an assumption about the future.
And here is the logical truth: you cannot know anything until it actually happens. You have two choices: you either know or you don’t know. You absolutely know something to be true once it has already occurred. And if something hasn’t yet occurred, you don’t know what the outcome will be.
Fearful thoughts guess or assume the worst with no logical evidence. When you take these assumptions to be true, you end up paralyzed and miserable.
“I Don’t Know” Revealed
Part of being free of the effects of fear means shifting from emotion to logic, using all of the brain’s capabilities. Logic shows you the distortions in these fearful thoughts that sap your energy and slam the door shut on your potential.
What you do find is one of the most useful truths: I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll find a job, or be rejected, or fail.
“I don’t know” opens the door to unlimited possibilities that the fearful mind can’t begin to contemplate.
Seeing the truth of the unknown is like a healing balm for fearful thoughts. And here are the effects:
- No more wasting energy and time worrying about the future.
- No more pressure to know what you can’t possibly know.
- Openness to all possibilities.
- The end of “should” – what you should know or should be doing.
Living in the reality of the unknown brings our attention clearly into the present. Let go of the imagined future, and you will discover:
- A focus on doing what needs to be done now
- Appreciation and gratitude
- Relaxation
- Enjoyment
- Acceptance
- Wonder
The unknown is the truth, and the truth will set you free. Do you want to be free of the effects of fear? Say “Yes!” to the unknown.
Have you discovered the value of not knowing? Are you struggling with fearful thoughts? I’d love to hear…
Galen Pearl says
So interesting, isn’t it, that we are more afraid of the unknown than all the terrible “what if'” scenarios we fantasize about! Montaigne said, “My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.” Pema Chodron’s book title Comfortable with Uncertainty really sets out our task. Thanks for another great article about fear.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Galen,
I am seeing that there are so many aspects to untangling fear – and welcoming uncertainty and not knowing is definitely one of them. It is funny how we prefer to imagine the worst than to imagine nothing. But bringing consciousness to the experience of fear shows us the sanity of welcoming the truth of the unknown.
Olivia says
Wonderful timing on this post 🙂 I’ve taken a major step backwards regarding school to get where I want to. I’m starting back again with 150 17 year olds. The first week was all positive ‘you can do this’ thoughts. This week is ‘You can’t do this’. I’ve gotten bogged down in the magnitude of work I have to do and couldn’t seem to think past next june when I sit my exams.
I’ve stuck your points up on my wall in front of my desk so I can remember to focus on now etc. I already feel an overwhelming sense of relaxation just letting go of all the ‘what ifs’ and projecting all the negative outcomes onto myself, when as you said, they are not reality.
I know i’ll continue to struggle with this but at least all I have to do now is look up to remind myself what I should really be focusing on.
Gail Brenner says
Good for you, Olivia, for returning to school! You are following your heart to study something that is important to you.
You are seeing that the mind can’t really help you. It says, “You can,” then switches to “You can’t” so quickly, making it wholly unreliable. Where to put your attention and energy? Into the present. Harness that energy to do all the things that are right in front of you and let go of worries about the future. The fearful thoughts may return again and again, but this is not a problem. Each time is an opportunity to take a breath and relax into the present once again.
May you enjoy the journey…
Clare says
I suffer from insomnia and awaken with these horrible panic attacks. I don’t know where they come from and I try to calm myself with my rational brain. From what you’ve written in this post, it sounds like my limbic brain is at work when I’m sleeping and instead of rationalizing the fears, I may need to tell myself “I don’t know . . . .” to whatever it is that is disrupting me in such a way. Unless, of course, insomnia and nocturnal panic attacks are entirely out of the scope of this – in which case, I would love your advice.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Clare,
If you have tried anxiety-reducing tools and working with your thoughts, and you still experience the panic attacks, it sounds like it is time for professional help. I don’t know what the source of the problem is, but an objective, trained person asking the right questions could help you get relief. So my best advice to you would be to meet with a counselor.
I wish you all the best…
Clare says
Thank you so much for your advice and concern. I am working with my physician on this and it is a physical problem related to sleep apnea. I think the panic must set in when I stop breathing or gasp to breath. Anyway, it is something I’ve been learning to live with and (hopefully) overcome. I always enjoy your posts – – they normally remain with me long after I’ve read them. Thanks again.
Gail Brenner says
You are most welcome, Clare. It sounds like you are getting just the help you need.
Ayda says
Hi Gail,
I came across your blog a few weeks ago. What a surprise to read today’s entry on fear because I was struggling this morning to let go of that very emotion. I have a boyfriend who is loving and caring, but the constant fear of losing him cripples me at times. Today was one of those days where I needed more affirmation than other days about his commitment to our relationship. Now, after reading your blog – I have decided to shift my focus to the reality that I am dating a wonderful person and activate gratitude for the many blessings in my life.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Ayda! I am so happy for the insight you have gained. I’m sure you realize that fear of losing your boyfriend not only cripples you, it doesn’t help the relationship to thrive either. The future will take care of itself. I love that you can shift your focus to see all the blessings right in front of you.
Love to you…
David says
Hi Gail,
Things are rarely as bad as they seem or are imagined. A change in one’s perspective, think differently can often change this ‘false reality’. I still have some fears that I am working on. Thank you &
be good to yourself
David
Gail Brenner says
Hi David,
Recognizing the false reality of fearful thinking is a huge step. You might want to experiment with letting the fearful thoughts fall away and living in the true reality of the unknown that is revealed. It can be very relaxing!
Kristin says
Another perfect post Gail – thank you. So often we get stuck looking for certainty where none exists. That’s why so many people talk about starting a business but never do.
I pondered at the cliff edge for more than a year before starting mine, terrified at what might happen. And then I did it – I leapt off the edge and magically learned how to fly. It wasn’t as scary as I’d imagined and lots more fun. How dull life would have been if I’d stayed stuck.
Thanks for your words of encouragement.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Kristin,
Thanks so much for sharing a story from the trenches. You took the leap – good for you! Fear is way scarier in our imaginations as compared to what actually comes to pass. These imagined worse case scenarios hardly ever happen, and what you have found is something you enjoy and are interested in. You would have missed out on these if you had stayed stuck. I’m glad to hear that your life is so much richer by not letting fear control you.
Susie @ Wise At Work says
Gail.
I smile at your simple recommended words “I don’t know.” It’s so honest and truly reflects many situations in which we are missing the crystal ball. I am so grateful because I have a wonderful partner who helps me understand my cognitive distortions with humor. Sometimes I howl at how I can roll out those fearful thoughts so adeptly (when they really make no sense!)
Great post and reminder for me. Thank you so much.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Susie,
I love your willingness to laugh at how ridiculous our minds can be! We find ourselves believing and revolving our worlds around some pretty crazy thoughts sometimes, if we really look at them honestly. “I don’t know” is so sane in comparison.
MyPeaceOfFood says
I always feel like your every post rings so true for me…I often find myself saying to someone in my life, “I wish I could just know how things are going to turn out.” (She usually very graciously just nods her head!)
As often as I ask myself “what would I do with my time/energy” if I stopped worrying about things like food and money, it’s almost as if I’m waiting for a switch to flip and waiting for it to happen from one minute to the next. Waiting for that a-ha moment. I think the journey I’m on now is one of patience, and reminding myself that it IS a journey. Otherwise, being present is only something I have time to think about when the house is quiet, and I’m alone, and I’m given time to reflect. Somehow I have to translate that into the other moments of my life.
Gail Brenner says
Hi there Peace,
Presence is the core of who we are, and stillness is the source. Once our awareness is steeped in presence, it isn’t something we think about. Rather, it infuses the moments of our lives. You can stop at any moment and see if silence is here, if effortless and relaxation are already present beneath all the doing.
Wishing you a beautiful journey…
noch says
funny how timing works – i wanted to try out a new recipe for entertaining guests tonight at home, and just now as i was about to start making the cake, i looked at the recipe again and thought ” hmm, i dont know if it will turn out right, maybe i wont try it this time”… something made me go surfing blogs, and i found this… and so i guess now its “i dont know if it will turn out right, so i’ll make it and see!”
if we dont do, we wont know. and that’s how we get out of our comfort zone 🙂
Gail Brenner says
I love that you are willing to experiment, Noch, without knowing how things will turn out. Isn’t that the truth? How can we ever know – until we do?
You can say that we are always out of our comfort zone – if the comfort zone is knowing. Or maybe there is no zone, comfort or discomfort – just the wonder of life unfolding.
noch says
thats right, to think of it, giving ourselves a “zone” automatically imposes limits on ourselves, so why delineate a zone at all? 🙂
Gail Brenner says
Yes! No zones – then we are in touch with infinite possibilities!
Enriching-Life.com says
Dear Gail, thx for this great article! I’m a great believer in “grey zones” = the unknown. This is merely because I can’t stand letting my mind get away with playing the same horrendous imaginations and thoughts about how bad things could possible get in my head over and over again. Though, just like David said, I do have some fears I work on, but the major part of my fears disppeared when I embraced the unknown. All the best, Michaela
Gail Brenner says
Hi Michaela,
I’m so glad you are tired of dealing with the imaginations of the mind – not so helpful, are they? The goal is not to be fearless, although that may happen. So lovely to hear what happens when you embrace the unknown – nothing to be afraid of!
Love to you…
Lin says
I am feeling so much fear from a past relationship. I carry them into my current relationship with a man I love who changes when he drinks. While sober, he is so dedicated and thoughtful. In the moment, he is the best man I have ever loved. Yet, I am in tears thinking of the horrible future social experiences we may have. I am so scared about the future possibility that I am distancing myself from my lover now. I am looking for guidance. Have any?
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for your question, Lin. My advice would be to be very wise in choosing a partner. You use strong words: being in tears thinking of the horrible future social experiences you may have.
Each of us knows the truth if we are willing to listen to the inner voice. It is the voice of wisdom and knowing, but doesn’t always tell us what we want to hear. No wonder you are distracting yourself – this man is showing a huge red flag that doesn’t bode well for a long-term relationship. I have heard the saying, “Love is a verb.” It’s not how you feel, it’s how people treat each other on a day-to-day basis.
I know it can be very hard, but be brutally honest with yourself and listen to the truth within you. This is your precious life – honor it as sacred. Choose someone who brings joy and celebration to your life.
All best wishes to you…