“Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world.”
~Eckhart Tolle
Are you pretending that there is something missing? Feeling a sense of lack is so pervasive in our society. And believing in your inadequacy prevents you from recognizing the brilliance that is already always here.
Just watch ten minutes of commercials on TV. You will be told that you aren’t young enough or stylish enough, that you need exactly what you don’t have. We live in a culture of non-acceptance and dis-ease, compounded even further by what we learn from our families as we grow up. It’s a legacy of lack.
A Personal Sense of Lack
Of course, this sense of lack seeps into our personal psyches. Do these sound familiar?
- Piling on the “should’s” – what you should and shouldn’t do or be
- Needing others’ approval to feel OK about yourself
- Criticizing yourself endlessly
- Feeling that there must be something more
- Compulsively seeking objects to fill yourself up
It’s like the bucket is always leaking so you can never feel whole, relaxed, full, and at ease.
The Way Out
If you take one point away from this post, let it be this: there is a way out. It is absolutely possible for you to live the moments of your life in peace rather than poverty, fullness rather than fear and despair.
Do you know how to pay attention?
Are you capable of love?
Then you have the tools to realize the relief you seek. And where do you end up when you use them? Smack in the middle of the land of happiness. The well being you have always wanted is here, available, possible for you. You can stop trying so hard. You can relax and be still.
The Art of Paying Attention
If you are living in lack, then you are caught in a story that has convinced you of your inadequacy. You are giving your most precious resource, your attention, to believing in not being good enough. And this problem will never be solved by thinking more about it.
Know this: what you feed is what will grow. Feed lack, and you get more lack. Bring your attention into what you are experiencing in the moment, and you can be free.
Whenever you spin in the story of inadequacy, stop. See what emotions you are feeling, and welcome them. Notice the sensations in your body, and breathe with them. The story diminishes, and in that moment, you are free.
Add up these moments, and the fire of inadequacy becomes a pile of ash.
Every time the inadequacy rises up, now you know what to do. Bring your attention away from the story in your mind, and be in the moment with your feelings and physical sensations. Time after time…peaceful moment after peaceful moment.
The Art of Loving
Now comes the juicy part. You get to steep yourself in love. Whenever the sense of lack arises, counter it with kindness. Give yourself what you think you are lacking, which is love.
Take every thought, every painful emotion, and bathe it in love. How to do that? Accept it, welcome it, allow it to be as it is. Put down the fight with what is present in your experience, and wholeheartedly let it be.
Can you see how your entire experience can be transformed? No longer stuck in the story of lack, no longer pretending you are a fraction of your true magnificence.
Practice paying attention to your in-the-moment experience. Practice being a loving host to whatever arises. Rinse and repeat in every difficult moment. In the face of this intelligent practice, inadequacy dissolves.
And when it does, You are revealed – shining, open, peaceful, loving. Shed the story of lack, and discover that you are already overflowing.
Do you have problems with inadequacy? Does the practice I am offering here make sense to you? I’d love to hear…
Bonnie Perry says
“Rinse and repeat in every difficult moment”. Love it! Yes, Gail, I have found this process to make sense, I just have ‘apparently’ needed a lot of rinse and repeat cycles! But, hey, now I can see that it is all perfectly so and when the need to rinse and repeat arises, I can recognize it as a friendly opportunity.
Thanks……..xo
Bonnie
Gail Brenner says
That’s just it, Bonnie. “Rinse and repeat” isn’t a problem – it’s just how it is. A moment arises, and it is asking to be met with love and intelligence. Then the next moment arises, same thing. No problem at all. It’s a full allowing in every moment – no stress, no suffering.
If we see through the myth of time, every moment is reality unto itself, with only the mind remembering how many times that moment came before. In truth, there are no other moments, there is only the eternal Now. But “rinse and repeat” can be a useful way to align our minds with the Now.
Víctor says
Hi, Gail.
I think that every kind word we listen make sense to us, and you are always giving beautiful teachings.
You’re collaborating to a better world.
Many people thinks we are in a new era for consciousness. I hope this is for good.
Thank you very much.
From Madrid (Spain).
Gail Brenner says
Wonderful to hear from you, Victor. A new era in consciousness means that each of us takes responsibility to clean up the places where we get triggered. When we get out of our own way, consciousness shines purely. As that intention spreads, there is greater alignment with peace and love.
And for each of us, it spreads out to everyone we come into contact with, with no limit. It all starts right here, right now.
Love to you…
David says
Hi Gail,
You have described this very well, in fact I have read it twice. I have read many posts on this topic or similar however you captured my attention more than most with this. Thank you.
be good to yourself
David
Gail Brenner says
I’m so glad this post was useful for you, David. I always appreciate that you take the time to comment.
Wishing you well….
noch says
yeh sometimes, if we dont feel that we lack anything, all that endless chase for vanity disappears…. improvement is one thing, feeling lack is another
noch
Gail Brenner says
Hi Noch,
Yes, it’s all about what is guiding our choices. It’s fine to want to improve, be happier, etc. But if we are looking outside ourselves to fill up an empty space, we will eventually find that that doesn’t work. When we shed the patterns that don’t serve, when we get out of our own way, fullness is right here. It can be so empowering to know we have everything we need.
Christopher Lovejoy says
Gail, your post resonates deeply with me.
The essence of who we are is best protected, defended, explored, expressed, and fulfilled in just the ways you prescribe: loving attention and attentive love – most preferably with an enduring peace.
When we forget the essence of who we are – peace and love – and neglect their power to effect positive change, we inevitably resist the peace and the love that are available to us in the world at large.
I love the simplicity in your writing. It’s direct, essential, and quite powerful.
Christopher
Gail Brenner says
Hi Christopher,
What you say is so true – if we resist peace and love, it doesn’t matter if it is inner or outer. We are deluded into thinking something is missing. Discovering that peace/love is who we are, then we see it everywhere.
Thanks so much for your comment.
Galen Pearl says
Yes, this makes so much sense. I led a women’s retreat in October, and I was struck by how difficult it was for some women, especially older women, to see themselves as magnificent in any way. On the contrary, they saw it as “wrong,” in the sense that it seemed arrogant or prideful.
That was so interesting to me because for me, seeing myself this way is humbling and makes me feel so deeply grateful. And not arrogant or prideful because I see ALL of us like this.
Your post reminded me of a quote from A Course in Miracles that I have probably shared with you before. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”
Gail Brenner says
The issue here, Galen, is what is the self that is magnificent. The “small self,” the personal self is the body-mind. It is limited, as this is where the conditioning lies. What is magnificent is who we truly are, the life force that animates us, the splendor of the universe. When the conditioning sheds, the small self becomes transparent or falls away entirely, leaving space for the magnificence to be seen, felt, and expressed. There is alignment rather than distortion and division.
You may have heard the metaphor of the ocean and the wave. When we realize that who we actually are is the ocean, and the wave is just the expression, magnificence is, life is, end of story.
Seeing magnificence as “wrong” is the product of some story. You are humbled because you don’t take magnificence personally. So beautiful…
Ajen says
I, like Bonnie, like the statement, “rinse and repeat in every difficult moment”. To do what you are stating requires mindful action on our part. This is not something that we can sit and wait for it to come into our lives. I am thinking of times when I have heard women say that they have shared love in their world and have been met by events and people who have caused the greatest sense of despair in their lives. What would be the message for them? Do we blame the victim and tell them that they are not loving enough? At times, I think the question could be instead, “what were you thinking at the time when you were expressing love?” It is very possible to share love with sets of conditions attached to it… even in the most subtle ways. Furthermore, I have come across an interesting notion that there are times when a person can hold conditional love for one’s self. Interesting huh? In light of this notion, I consider those difficult moments as challenges to the conditions of love that we set upon our own “self”. Such challenges are opportunity for each of us to learn, grow, and truly appreciate who we are as beings who have the unique ability to share and receive love.
Gail Brenner says
Thank you for this lovely and astute comment, Ajen.
You truly understand “rinse and repeat in every difficult moment.” If we are to stay conscious and awake, we need to be vigilant in all moments. Conditioning can be subtle, so it requires a whole-hearted and willing attention on all aspects of our inner experience. Love that is impersonal and therefore freely given doesn’t hurt. It’s not painful to offer – it doesn’t strategize or bargain or influence – no conditions. Love given in any other way is asking for investigation, not to blame the victim, as you say, but in the spirit of complete truth and transparency.
The opportunity for learning and deepening is always available to us.
Cathy|Treatment Talk says
Hi Gail,
Many of us at different times in our life feel as if we are lacking. The commercials, as you say give us that message, and our experiences growing up sometimes gives us that feeling as well that we are just not good enough. Great post for inspiring us to realize that we can change.
I love this line about living in “peace rather than poverty, fullness rather than fear and despair.” Thanks for the inspiration!
Gail Brenner says
Hi Cathy,
These messages about lack are insidious, which asks us to be very centered so we can see things clearly. The truth of our being, our true nature, is full beyond measure and so deeply peaceful. This can be the garden from which all things sprout.
McKella says
Just found you via Medicinal Marzipan, and I love this post! I’ve bookmarked it to my “wellness” folder, because this is something I constantly come back to. Thanks for sharing this. I look forward to reading your other posts!
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, McKella! Thanks so much for stopping by.
Yoeue says
This is so wonderful. Thank you. I felt fulfilled for a moment and away from my emptiness simply while reading it.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Yoeue. This fulfillment is always here. Look beneath the emptiness and any other struggle, and you will see that You are here, always magnificent.
Love to you…
Noreen says
I don’t understand. Where does love come from? I’ don’t want to come off sounding like I’m arguing for it’s own sake, but you make it sound easier than it actually is. How do I just replace it with love like that?
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for stopping by, Noreen. I very much appreciate your question.
I’m not saying it’s easy, but I know from my own experience and from working with others that if you are patient and diligent, you can learn to work with the feeling of lack and inadequacy. Recognize that inadequacy is a story that you run in your mind. If you feed that story with your attention, it will only stay stuck and you will continue to identify with it and take it to be who you are. So you need to do something else with your attention.
Rather than thinking these painful thoughts and feeling the drama of the painful feelings, step away from them and just notice that they are present. You take the position as the witness of your thoughts and feelings – not the one who thinks and feels. As the witness, which is spacious, kind, and accepting, allow the thoughts and feelings to be. Don’t touch them by engaging, but over and over, return to the witness and let them be. This will disengage you from them so they begin to lose their power over you.
This is what I would call love. You are no longer fighting with yourself by trying to get rid of painful thoughts and feelings. Instead, you are welcoming, loving, accepting, at peace with them. Remain as the witness and you are undisturbed. Thoughts and feelings come and go, but peace is found in the steady space of awareness that is always here, regardless of what arises in it. You don’t replace anything with love; you are love itself no matter what appears, then you are peaceful.
Wishing you well…feel free to let me know how it goes. Love…
Liv says
I found this post really inspiring… It made me realise that feelings are meant to be not rejected, even if they arise from compulsive thinking and not from presence. This is part of being human.
What I’m struggling with however, is how to be with my uneasy emotions and feelings and not get stuck there?
At times I can be introverted and self-conscious… Last night after meeting with a friend for drinks I felt the negative and depleting feelings of negative self-talk.
I dropped the thoughts and focused on the feelings, but I stayed with it for a couple of hours before drifting off to sleep and then had a restless night and woke up depleted.
How do you give the depleting feelings attention without being consumed by them?
Thank you
Liv
Gail Brenner says
I love this question, Liv: How do you give the depleting feelings attention without being consumed by them?
When you investigate a feeling, you will find that it is made up of physical sensations – contractions, tension in the body – and a story you run in your head about the feeling. Even simply labeling physical sensations as fear or sadness begins the story. You say, “I’m afraid” or “I’m sad” and these become an identity that you hold.
Instead, close your eyes, take a few breaths, and let yourself be very spacious as you don’t focus on anything in particular. If you notice physical sensations, fine. If thoughts come and float through your awareness, fine. Simply be open, aware, and welcoming for whatever may come to you. If you notice yourself sticking on any particular experience, move your attention back to awareness.
I have recorded some guided meditations by audio that are available on this site here. Some of these might help you as well.
You are on a very good track of getting to know your thoughts and feelings and how they bring suffering to your life. Now try moving your attention away from them and let them do what they want to do. You are welcome to let me know how it goes.
SilentWolf says
But what if you don’t know how to pay attention and have forgotten how to love?
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Silent Wolf.
If you’ve forgotten how to love, there is always the possibility of remembering, and if you’re alive and functioning, you know how to pay attention. It might be a matter of what you are paying attention to.
Start small. Go out in nature, or look at puppies, or go to a playground and watch the joy of children. Very slowly, let your heart open, and feel it. But don’t push too fast. Every tiny bit is a movement toward openness. And in those moments when you notice you are being harsh to yourself, see if you can bring a little kindness in. Gently nudge yourself in the direction of love and kind attention, then see what happens.
In love and support to you…
Will says
Wonderful article!
Sometimes I feel like life is just passing me by, and everybody else is growing but I’m stagnant. This article made a lot of sense, and hopefully I can remember it when I feel apathetic or insecure.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Will. Sounds like sometimes your mind starts comparing, which always creates trouble. Instead of believing the story your mind creates that you are lacking something, rest your attention in your true magnificence. It’s always there, shining…
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for your comment, Will. I’m glad this article made sense. We all forget the truth sometimes, but it is always here – the knowledge that you are whole and free.
biktus says
Hello!I am 20 years old and I have lost 2 years now being swamped in depression , self doubt and feelings of inadequacy among many others things.
I have come a long way and I am making my struggle to end all this once and for all.It is hard and my mind keeps playing tricks on me , trapping me on vicious circles with just about anything.Thanks for providing some clarity to those in need.I think this is already helping me.
Any idea how do I stop comparing myself with others?This all started with people telling me I am above average during school.
It seems I feel above average too and this only leads to sadness as I compare all the time.
How to stop it?How to feel equal?My peers seem very shallow(not stupid-shallow) to me and they give value to superficial things , how do I escape?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Biktus,
You may not be able to stop the thoughts that compare you to others, so don’t put your efforts there. Instead, do something much simpler, which is to shift your attention away from these thoughts. When they appear, say, “Hello…goodbye.” Don’t give them an ounce of your focus. Let them float through your awareness without sticking. Why? They’re not true. Then go on about your business and enjoy yourself. Don’t worry about feeling equal, better than, or less than. Be fully yourself, and live your truth.
Yes, minds do play tricks on us. And our job is to know that and have truth be what rules, not the distortions of the mind.
I love that you are looking with great discrimination at your own experience, and that you are seeing results. Happiness is available to all of us.
Sending love and support to you…
shelly says
Thank you Gail. I have been looking for ways to address this simply as my reactions feel so uncontrollable.I also end up comparing myself to others and judging others harshly as a way to lift myself up. Thank you for your insight
Gail Brenner says
So glad this was helpful, Shelly! That harsh judging is so painful, isn’t it? Let yourself feel the pain of it, which means moving your attention from your head to your heart. And ask yourself: What do I really want? Go deep inside and you’ll find that you just want to be at peace. How can you align yourself with that deepest desire? Sending love…