“Yes, I was angry. And I was a little afraid. After all I’ve not been free in so long. But, when I felt that anger well up inside of me, I realized that if I hated them after I got outside that gate, then they would still have me. I wanted to be free so I let it go.”
~Nelson Mandela upon leaving prison after 27 years of confinement
Frustrated, impatient, pissed off, raging…aaarrrrrrgh! Yes, it’s normal to feel angry – you are human, after all. But if anger causes problems in your life – if it interferes with your health and happiness – then consider these 10 life-changing facts. Get curious about anger, and you just might discover an untapped well of vital energy that improves your life circumstances and wakes you up to the whole of life.
1. It’s easier to feel anger than hurt.
Anger tends to be a surface emotion. But if you look at what is driving the anger, you will often find hurt, pain, or fear. Can you tell the truth to yourself about what you are actually feeling? Can you meet the depth of your experience with supreme kindness? You might be surprised at the freedom you discover.
2. Anger has a strong physical component.
Bring out the microscope when you are angry, and you will find strong physical sensations – tightness, contraction, burning. Anger is a fiery emotion full of energy. If you don’t want to be caught in anger, bring your attention right into these physical sensations.
Without running a story in your mind, fully allow yourself to feel what is present. It might be difficult, but you won’t actually combust, I promise you. Be real with your sensations, and eventually the anger will stop controlling you.
3. Perfectionists are angry.
Are you a perfectionist? Then take an honest look at what you are saying to yourself. You will undoubtedly find a repetitive loop playing in your mind that is harsher than you might imagine.
Don’t kid yourself – this is anger. If you don’t want to be a slave to your perfectionist tendencies, then go to the root of the problem and learn to meet your anger with love.
4. Stories sustain anger.
Angry stories barrel through our minds like an out-of-control train careening down the tracks. To find freedom from anger, you must recognize the story and see that repeating it doesn’t serve you. Yes, what happened happened. But how much longer are you going to let it be your ball and chain?
Here are some strategies to help you soften the story:
- Open up with compassion to everyone involved, including yourself.
- Recognize that you are bringing the past into the present by repeating the story endlessly.
- Bring your full attention into the sensations you are experiencing in the moment.
- Commit to bringing all your actions in alignment with what you really, really want.
5. Anger comes from an overblown sense of self-importance.
Often, what underlies anger are statements like, “I’m right” and “I want my way.” There is a huge attachment to “I” and the beliefs of that “I” that causes separation and disharmony.
Recognize these “I”-focused statements and know that they keep you locked into one way of thinking. Then inquire:
- Am I really right?
- Does this wanting to be right serve me – and others?
- What does it mean to want my own way? What are the implications?
Exploration of these “I”-focused beliefs can lead you to untangle the deepest knots that block your happiness.
6. Anger causes separation.
Speaking of separation, what are the effects when you are angry? Anger pushes people away, scares them, makes them fight back or shut down. Relationships don’t have room to breathe when they are defined by anger. “How could you?” “You shouldn’t have…” Sound familiar?
Remember that anger – or any reaction – is not the fault of the other. If you are angry, look within yourself. Lovingly investigate what has been triggered in you, and your whole perspective on the situation will shift.
7. Anger gets attention.
Maybe you express anger because you want attention. Depending on the circumstance, this could be a useful strategy.
But consider this: there may be other ways for you to express yourself so that you are heard. Open up your mind and heart to all the possibilities.
8. Unexplored anger can mute your experience of life.
Are you sitting on a hotbed of anger, but keeping it so underground that you can hardly live? Some people are so intent on keeping peace that they minimize the truth of their experience.
Are you asleep at the wheel, attached to inner peace and pleasant living? Exploring the seeds of anger can enliven you to all of life.
9. Anger can transform into useful action.
Taking in all the problems in the world can bring about a sense of injustice. Yet, if you move from anger, you are missing out on the whole picture.
Meet your anger with love and let your heart break open. Then move forward with actions that are wise and skillful.
10. Anger traps you.
The arising of anger is not necessarily a problem, and is not even under your control. What matters is how you relate to anger once it is present. If you dwell in the energetic sensations and convince yourself that your thoughts are true, anger overtakes you.
But there is an alternative: feel the sensations and tell the truth about the story. Then anger is your ally – revealing more and more deeply the essence of you.
How does anger impact your life? What is your experience of dealing with it? We’d all love to hear…
Note: This post is part of the Life-Changing Facts series. Check out the others: fear, attachment, habits, healing the inner critic, happiness, and healing the pain of the past.
Dawn says
Aaahhh…anger. You have described my mother to perfection here in this post. Although, I too, was once a very angry person.
It is hard to let go of…but keeps you from so much goodness. I’ve watched while people have received the exact thing (feeling) they have been screaming for…and miss it completely because they are so identified with the anger.
Great post…The greatest gift I gave myself was to let go of the anger.
Gail Brenner says
Can we all let our hearts break over this one, Dawn? To be so focused on reacting to the lack of a good feeling that we don’t even realize that it is already here. There are so many ways that we pretend we are damaged, lacking, not good enough. Then we rage about what we perceive we don’t have.
All distortion. In the clarity of an unencumbered mind, everything we ever longed for is here in abundance.
J. K. Rahn says
Excellent insights as to hidden anger. Please elaborate on the Perfectionist and anger – I am not understanding the dynamics.
AND, I love getting these in my email!
Thanks you so much.
Gail Brenner says
Hi JK! Great to see you.
I think it was Freud who said that depression is anger turned inward. But in another sense, perfectionism is anger turned inward directly toward oneself. The self-talk of perfectionistic types is usually relentlessly harsh. There is no way they can live up to their own standards, leading to anger about not being able to always get it right.
But, as always, don’t take my word for it. If perfectionism plagues you, investigate. Look at what is driving the thoughts and behavior. Discover the source of the unhappiness and find the place where peace seems to be missing. Allow whatever you find to be present in the great space of awareness. Then you will see the true gift of perfectionism.
Bonnie Perry says
I agree that under anger is often hurt. Particularly the seemingly prolonged anger, the anger that just seems to eat us up inside. I found those angry stories that didn’t seem to go away were hitting at my deepest fears and vulnerabilities and had more to say about my concerns and beliefs about myself than the circumstances and people involved that provoked the anger. They pointed out the places where I felt unworthiness about myself. Trying to get, or believing the people involved in the circumstances should behave differently was beside the point. I needed to address my own concerns about my own perceived inadequacies and as they were gradually addressed, with great self-compassion, the anger naturally subsided. It can be a blessing, but, boy oh boy, is it difficult to see in the middle of its fire.
Gail Brenner says
Bonnie,
You are unstoppable in your desire for the truth. So refreshing and inspiring. Thank you.
When we are angry at others, we are missing the point. The best thing we can do is hold up the mirror and see what has been triggered inside us. The angry stories can be so convincing, and the anger itself is energizing. There needs to be a deep desire to be free. And in that the fire of anger, when allowed to burn without the story, is a cleansing, holy fire.
Lacey says
Your comment was actually more helpful than the article.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Lacey! What matters is that you get the support that you’re looking for. Thanks so much for stopping by.
David says
Hi Gail,
Well put together. Anger has so many facets. I get angry at myself when I don’t achieve what I set out to achieve. It gets me going though….I then have another attempt at getting a better result.
be good to yourself
David
Gail Brenner says
Hi David,
Every moment is a renewal, so there is always a chance to try again. Angry at ourselves for our failures – such a common form of suffering. In NLP, they say there is no failure, only feedback. So what seems like a failure can be a true learning opportunity.
Noch Noch says
My shrink tells me, anger is but the surface emotion. There is something underlying, maybe sadness, frustration, hopelessness, etc..
Every time I”m angry i try to take a step back and understand why I’m angry – was it because i felt abandoned or lonely that my fiance did not spend time with me. Those are the emotions I need to confront and deal with..
Noch Noch
Gail Brenner says
So clear, Noch, and so beautiful to see your willingness to know the truth. Anger is hardly ever the endpoint, and exploring what underlies it opens the gate to true knowledge and peace.
Noch Noch says
thanks Gail – yes it’s hard to dig beneath and out all the dirt. but it’s important to do so. we know ourselves much better after
Anger is a good thing, if we know how to decipher it
Noch Noch
Gail Brenner says
Hi Noch,
I’m a big fan of digging in and shining the light everywhere. Why not? Our feelings and contractions are there anyway – we either see them and deal with them consciously, or they fester and infiltrate behavior. We always have a choice – and seeing reality as it is is the freeing choice.
Denise says
Me as well after 25 years of marriage, I am angry
because I want my husband to spend some time with me but he is a workaholic.
Gail Brenner says
What I’ve come to know, Denise, is that you can’t change anyone else, but you can change how you relate to what is going on. So the ball is in your court. You’re being invited to meet and welcome the feelings that are arising, tell yourself the truth, then let the authentic, compassionate response emerge. If there is any way that you feel like a victim, that deserves your attention as well.
Wishing you well on your journey…
Christopher Foster says
For a long time I was angry as all get out but I didn’t even know it, I repressed it so well. I must have started such foolish behavior when I was a young child and it was all I knew to do.
Life in its wisdom finally helped me come out of my cocoon and then anger also came into the open. But now — at 80 — a middle way, shall I say. I may feel anger at times but something else is far, far more important to me. The truth of myself that does not change.
Thanks Gail. Great post.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Chris,
Hardly any of us have a clue when we are young, and we do our best with what we have. And thankfully – hopefully – we see the light.
When you have the commitment to truth as you do, things fall into place, and the satisfaction gained from anger begins to fall away. Thanks for sharing the view from 80!
Amyra Mah says
Hi Gail,
I can see anger in my perfectionism – in the past few years, particularly in the area of personal integrity where I can be unyielding in how I expect certain people to behave.
As I relax into the space where conflict stems, I can see where I have been unyielding towards how I myself act.
The stories that sustain my anger prevent me from looking at my own story about how I perceive I have let myself down in the past. Letting go of the external stories allows me to look at the deeper story and heal from it.
Love what you write always.
Gail Brenner says
This is so raw, Amyra, and oozes authenticity. We all learn from what you are sharing.
Relaxing into the space where conflict stems takes courage, and when you are willing, as you are, you are faced with the clarity of what is really going on. We may not like what we see, but seeing the truth is what sets us free. In the end, there’s just love and compassion for all of it.
Love to you…
Viv says
Hi Gail
Amyra is me, to a tee, if I was writing about myself this is spookily accurate.! But unlike Amyra I have no idea how or where to start helping myself. I’m 58 so need to get this sorted as I do not want to turn into my mother who is 82 and still very angry and unhappy.
Gail Brenner says
Good for you to be so motivated, Viv. With any area where you are stuck, the way to get started is to be honest with yourself. Be very reflective about your inner experience so you can see what thoughts, stories, beliefs, and feelings you are feeding with your attention. This is what makes up your reality – it all comes from within.
Recognize the false stories you tell yourself, don’t pay attention to their content, and lovingly welcome the feelings and physical sensations that remain. This way, you stop running from your own experience, and you stop the unhelpful stories in their tracks. Take a look at the archives here. There is much support for making your way through areas where you are stuck.
May your journey be fruitful…
Kristina says
Hello Gail,
I’m hoping to teach myself a new way of living by realization. The information is so real here. I agree with Amyra Mah, I can also be unyielding where I see how others aught to act. In the end, I find myself judging myself harshly. The expectations I often feel other have of me, my version of common sense I expect others to understand and agree with.
I have always felt judged. I have been uncomfortable around people because I don’t feel I can be myself. I have to be who they expect me to be.
The result of these confused, focused, ridged feelings is hurt. I hurt myself and others without intention. Why do I judge? Why do I feel judged?
A beautiful person is a happy person. A forever young person is a happy person. There is only one of each of us. Each of us are born original and beautiful with something to offer that is needed. Though I know this to the depth of my soul, the above judging is still happening.
This needs to be resolved in me so that I can move forward, grow, and remain beautiful. I need to truly love the people that I love.
I have identified a place in my life that needs work. Now I’d better get on it.
Thank you all,
I am very encouraged by your sharing.
Kristina
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Kristina! I agree, this judging you’re describing is asking for your attention.
I know the pain of judging. It separates us from others, creating division and disharmony. Here’s the healing: the judging thoughts might appear in your mind, but you don’t need to show interest in them. Don’t take their content as true, and don’t base any decisions on them. At the core of judging is fear, and instead ground yourself in an open heart and live there.
You’re on such a lovely journey. In love and support…
Dee says
I think I judge because I have to be right… I can not accept behaviors of others that I don’t like or agree with without judging because than I am accepting something that is unacceptable to me and it pisses me off, so I have to comment with attitude . yet after I always regret it and replay the scenario over an over in my head and regret how I responded and worry someone doesn’t like my opinion. I hate that I feel like this, I want to not care, yet it feels like I have to
Gail Brenner says
If you’re willing, Dee, try this. Next time you feel like judging, just be still and let things be. Let the thoughts come along with the energy of accepting the unacceptable and the associated anger. Let your inner experience play itself out, however strong it might be, but see if you can not act on it. Just breathe and be. This is the way to start to get some control back.
I know it doesn’t seem so now, but you are not these thoughts and you don’t have to do what they say. You don’t have to be a victim of them.
sara says
Reading this, I feel relieved to realize that anger is not an emotion I tend to embody. When I do, I know it comes from hurt, and I only indulge the anger instead of the hurt in really extreme circumstances.
Just the other day I was cursing myself for being oversensitive, needy, and emotional. But today I feel grateful that even if I can be those things, at least I’m not angry too!
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sara,
Thanks so much for stopping by!
It sounds like you don’t feel anger too often because you are able to see what underlies it. Opening to the whole of what is appearing in any moment is the path to freedom, as you are discovering. And I am wondering…what if you opened to that urge to curse yourself for feelings you are having. Maybe you will discover that you can meet the feelings, and the tendency to curse, with love and compassion. This is the end of the war with ourselves and the beginning of the peace we long for.
Sending love to all parts of you…
Coach Nea says
There is so much insight here. Anger rears it’s ugly head in so many ways and you did a great job of shedding light on some of the less noticeable manifestations of it. Perfectionism is definitely one that many people aren’t aware of. Another big one that I see a lot is anger turned inward, expressing itself as depression because it’s not being expressed in a healthy, assertive manner.
As you said, anger is normal. It’s a part of life. However, we tend to be happier, more emotionally stable people when we know how to recognize anger, process it and let it go.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Nea,
Great to see you again! I appreciate you recognizing anger as a normal part of life. And yes, let’s use anger as an opportunity to free ourselves. We don’t have to be entangled in it. It can simply arise, be seen, and then we move on and let it go. What a lovely way to live!
Kim says
Yes Nea, I didn’t realize till today that my anger comes from perfectionism. I think I set unreasonable goals for myself and set myself up for failure so I can keep confirming that I’m not good enough. I have this attraction to go there and not sure why. I’m so happy I found this sight! Thank you so much Gail, I will be writing with some specific perfectionist issues that are sabotaging my life.
Sandra Pawula says
Gail,
I’m fascinated by the idea that perfectionism is a form of anger. I don’t fully understand how this is and would love if you would write a little more about that.
Then I’ll be able to understand perfectly. 🙂
Gail Brenner says
It’s anger toward oneself, Sandra. The thought process of perfectionism is often filled with anger and harsh judgment directed inward, rather than outward toward another. Recognizing it as such, and having great compassion, paves the way to freedom from it. It’s not an overt form of anger, but is often realized as anger when investigated thoroughly.
That said, if the idea of perfectionism being anger turned toward oneself doesn’t resonate, then best to let that go, and simply recognize the energy and limited thinking that trying to be perfect perpetuates.
Hope that is helpful!
Alice says
I always find that there’s an insane amount of power behind my anger. So what I will do is trying to use this power in a creative instead of a destructive way.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Alice, and thank you for your comment.
Anger can be very powerful. When we see through the story that keeps the anger going, we can realize that all that is present is physical sensation – energy. The key is to see through the story. Then you can let this energy express itself in creative ways.
Anne says
How can I be free from anger if I don’t know where it comes from? I admit to having perfectionist tendancies for sure and have been dealing with the impact of those for some time now so generally I can stop and think about what is driving me – step away and find perspective. However, with my husband and kids often I am outragously angry (and hate myself for it). I don’t like this angry person and I’m not sure how to get free. Anger has become destructive to relationship – something I think I’ve carried all my life. Often I ask myself, “Why am I so angry?” or “Where is this anger coming from?” and there is no rational response…
Anne says
I think I was an angry child (lots of out of control circumstances and hurts that I didn’t have help to understand) and now I am an angry adult. Although I can definately identify with the perfectionist anger (and have been dealing with that) I don’t know where other anger comes from since the patterns have been present for so long. Unfortunately, the cycles of anger are becoming detrimenatal to my relationships and I don’t know how to get free as I can’t identify what is making me angry. Often I’m already in a rage when I realise what I’m experiencing so stopping to pull myself back is not working. Is it possible to be conditioned to be angry eventhough you don’t want to be and realise it’s destructive? How can I get free if the roots of present day anger are a result of childhood hurts that I now logically understand but could still be suffering from?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Anne,
Thank you so much for visiting and commenting. I appreciate the difficulties you describe. You asked, “Is it possible to be conditioned to be angry even though you don’t want to be and realise it’s destructive?” The answer is yes. This is the definition of conditioning – a pattern that gets played out that seems out of our control.
My experience is that we don’t need to know where an emotion comes from to work on it. You seem to have a perspective that you need to identify the source before the anger can begin to dissolve. I invite you to experiment with a different perspective – that you can work on the anger in the here and now without untying all the knots from your childhood.
You say that you find yourself in a rage before you realize it. This is normal – and it is a starting point. Whenever you realize that you are angry – even if you have already expressed it – stop, pause, breathe, and don’t let yourself move further into it. The more you do this – even if you realize it after the fact – the more you will begin to create a momentum that counteracts the conditioning. Eventually, you will realize it earlier and earlier, so you can begin to have some control over it.
I would suggest making freedom from this anger a priority in your life. Orient all of your activities toward this freedom. Recognize that an emotion is made of physical sensations and thoughts that tell a story about what is happening. At the end of every day, reflect back on your day and see what triggered you. With great compassion, let the story of what happened go. Simply feel the physical sensations and let them move through you. With anger, there is often an inner burning, a fire. See this article for more. And read other supportive articles and books as often as you can.
Develop the capability of being present in the moments of your life. When you are doing dishes, folding laundry, caring for your children, be aware of what you are doing. Recognize the thoughts and feelings that are present. Press your internal pause button as much as you need to and take a breath. The more you become aware of your inner world on a moment-by-moment basis, the more likely you will be to catch the troubles before they get away from you. But be patient with yourself and infinitely loving. You are taking on the sacred task of deconditioning patterns that have been around for decades.
With love and oceans of support…
Loly says
I feel a lot of anger when my boundaries are not respected. Guess it helps in that case to know what my bounadaries are. I think anger is helpful because it shows you things you have to be aware of,( you feel hurt, or ignored, unaprecciated, are not tolerant or impatient)) as a head ache shows that something is wrong in your body. But it isn´t always others fault that we get angry.This article tells perfectionism creates a lot of anger and I think that´s right. Because of anger and frustration and for my own sake, I have been working on lowering my expectations from others and from myself.
Guess the game is not to be perfect or right, so others are wrong and the bad guys. I´m just trying to live in more balanced, peaceful and happy life. UFFFFF! lol
Gail Brenner says
Hi Loly,
Thank you so much for stopping by and for your comment.
Oh, I know what you are talking about. I used to be so sensitive to disappointment and being ignored and unappreciated. For a long time I blamed others, until I was final able to see that the problem was mine. When I was able to be compassionate toward the hurting parts of me, things eventually changed, but it took a while. Now, I am completely free of this reaction, so know that that is possible for you.
Good for you to experiment with lowering your expectations of others. If you are relying on others’ behavior for your peace, you will be disappointed for sure. We just don’t have control over what people do and say. So I would suggest going further and having no expectations at all. Take what is offered with grace and let the rest go. If you have a reaction inside, learn to let the hurt be there in a compassionate space. Eventually, you will be so good at recognizing it and letting it be, with compassion, that these feelings will subside.
Big hug to you….
Loly says
Thanks for your reply. I found your article good enough to translate it to my mother language. I cried a lot when I finished it. Anger has been a big issue in my life and much hurt is underneath. Not sure yet what of my anger is usefull, and which is not but I ask my Lord to help me find the way to be less angry.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for translating this article, Loly!
It is so common that hurt is underneath anger. If you let yourself feel the hurt, without running a story in your mind, you will notice physical sensations. Bring your attention right to the core of them, and simply let them be. This is the way that emotions begin to lose their power. Love to you…
Dee says
I have also learned that some of my anger comes from my fears. I worry so much about tragedies that when someone is not extremely cautious or tells me something that almost happened. My fear makes me lash out in anger.. I have to many anger triggers .It has to stop, I need some peace before it kills me.
Richard Burgess says
Through out my life anger has been a real problem as a result i have really lost many relation ships and have had lost many friends there have been times when i have had brushes with the law and reading these 10changes helped but i need more help can you recommend a person or a place or a book i wear can get help with this probem.
Gail Brenner says
I appreciate your wish to solve this problem, Richard, and your heartfelt request for help. I hope you can find an anger-management group in your local community or find a therapist to work with, either privately or at a public clinic or university. Reading helps, but having face to face contact is even better. It may take a while to find the right person, but stick with it – for your own peace of mind.
Wishing you well…
Pink Spider says
This is a great article. I wish I could get my boyfriend (of 12 years) to read this and take something away from it. He is chronically angry with me, and has been for years. Angry over things I did, and at the time never intended any harm by, many many years ago. I know they must stem from hurt – from his childhood, from things I did or said that were insensitive; I just wish he could see and deal with the underlying issues, rather than lash out in anger all of the time, and direct it at me.
Thanks for the article.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Pink,
A warm welcome to you. I’m glad this article resonated with you. I read your comment a few times, and what kept coming up in my mind and heart is the sadness of being with someone for years who is chronically angry at you. If he wanted to be different, he would be on the internet searching for articles like this one. You can’t fix him, but what you can do is take good care of yourself. What if you weren’t willing to be his target anymore? It takes two to tango, and things change when one stops dancing.
avk kumar says
i am have been facing tension or inner angry or much fear for last 1 year. i an thinking continuesouly abot one thing which happened to me it is gone when another tension(if sombody hurt me ) come…..
i am frustated all the time ..i know for this situation only i am responsible..but my mind always choose this negative thought ..
i am very affected from my fearfull past ..if sombody hurt me ,that time i am dont resond but after going room i will be thinking about that person and situation..and i will beat him and feeling very inner anger which will be never executed…i becom more confident when i talked yo my friends bt afetr some time again negative thought come and inner anger ,fear ,insecurity …..
the summary is i wnat to show world i am not fearfull or innocent person…so that i have not been in present from last one year.
i read all positve books but didnt effect…
i am taking life too seriously and comparing myself to other…the problem is that with me i dont respond and feel anger when sombody hurt me (little phiscally ,verbally) but after going room or next day whole month untill another problem come.. i will be thinking about that person continou…feel anger next time i will show him who i am…..
my energy negative ..feeling very lazy/..
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Avk. I feel the intensity in these experiences that you describe. It’s important to recognize that you can’t get rid of thoughts – that is not something you have control over. There is no way around this situation but to feel whatever you feel without acting on it. And when I say feel it, I mean the direct experience of the anger without paying attention to the story running in your head. Feel the burn of the sensations without the story, and they begin to move through.
It’s easy to focus attention on negative thoughts, so don’t forget about the rest of you. Something in you is fearless and completely innocent. And that place in you is clear, wise and at peace. Find that within and live there as much as you can.
You said something about your past, and I have a feeling this may be affecting you. If you can, talk to a professional counselor so you can begin to resolve it. You keep the past alive in the present by thinking about it, so see if you can move your attention away from those challenging thoughts. The past can be like a veil covering the brilliant reality of you. Look behind the veil of your past and you may find yourself there – so sweet and innocent.
I appreciate your journey and offer limitless support…
Lin says
I was bullied for 3 years by my sister in-law and my own brother joined in. My dad has always heard me cry for help but he keeps saying that he didn’t see anything. Even though another 3 years have gone by now that I have not spoken to both my sis in law and brother i still can’t let go of the anger and hate i have towards the 3 of them. i am beginning to be worse in my expression.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Lin,
Thank you so much for stopping by and for your comment. You have held onto this anger for at least three years, and it sounds like it is sitting inside you like a cancer, eating away at you. At this point, you are the only one who has any control over this experience. You need to tell yourself that you want to be finished with this anger – for your own good and for your own happiness. Then every time it arises or the story about what happened starts consuming your thoughts, say, “No!” Bring your attention always to what is supportive, calming, and positive for you. Don’t worry about anyone else and what they did or didn’t do. That is now in the past. Focus on you – on your well being and on your happiness. Orient your whole life in that direction, and the anger from the past won’t have a place anymore.
In love and support…
Tristan says
Very much with you on all of this, Gail! The only reason for me to keep such a high level of anger in store is in case I come under physical threat: I used to be completely non-violent in order to be consistently Loving to absolutely everyone I meet, but now I know that if eg. one of my family members would lay a hand on me, I have the fire in me to do what it takes to eliminate the threat. Because now I do care about myself. Of course, my first choice is to stay away from these and all aggressive people — I’ll even be glad to contribute positively to their lives from a reasonable distance tho I don’t want their animal nature in mine anymore. I feel a self-confidence now that I never had before.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Tristan,
There is an intelligence to staying open to all possibilities, no matter how remote. As odd as it may sound, there are times when the intelligent, loving response will be physical violence and other times when it’s best to avoid the situation. Without being trapped by any habitual feeling, including anger, there is the confidence that you describe that you can stay grounded within yourself.
Anita says
This is a helpful post Gail. I am a pretty angry person and so there’s work to do. Which is fine – I can find a constructive-feeling place in me for almost everything in this post. But I have one challenge… the feeling compassion part for everyone part. I have worked with my anger before and this is the hardest part for me. In the midst of my (often prolonged) rage, the thought of being compassionate with respect to the target of my anger leaves me feeling physically sick. I realize that this is one of the key exit ramps in this process, and I know when I get there the whole structure of my rage crumbles. But until then we are all really stuck, and I have *no idea* how to find compassion on a faster timescale (and while there is a place for being compassionate with myself as I struggle – I do emotional harm to myself and others while we wait). I know from experience I will get there. Even with my biggest challenges. But it’s so slow and I do so much damage while I inch along the road. We’re talking somewhere on the order of 7+ years in the most recent case. Any advice for an even slightly faster track to finding compassion for people I feel harmed by?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Anita,
I appreciate your honesty and desire to have things flow more easily for you.
You need to take a look at what is happening in your experience that keeps you locked into the anger. It sounds like you are having very strong thoughts, a story that runs about how you have been victimized by someone. Believing that story, that is fueled by physical sensations that you might call rage, is the source of the problem. In situations like this, you might consider picking apart the story – belief by belief – to see if it is actually true. Maybe there is some truth to it in the relative sense, but holding onto it, making it real, and repeating it for 7 years in your mind isn’t serving you.
Have your happiness as the highest priority, then choose it in every moment. The mind will try to justify itself to throw you off, so your job is to stay committed to happiness/peace in your will and intention and in your actions.
Anger and rage have a strong physical component. Get to know these sensations in your body and just be with them. This is where the story starts, but just feel the sensations without the story to distract you from them.
There is no magic answer about how to make this better. It takes desire and diligence for you to choose what you actually want in the moments of your precious life.
In love and support…
Tristan says
Anita, perhaps helpful is not to regard the offender as a single being. Most people are many personalities in one. Of course, it’s a joy to be around someone with full integrity; expectation of it tho is usually folly!
This allows one to open one’s heart to the beautiful, childlike part of another and to bless him/her (and yourself) with your love.
What’s so confusing tho is that there may be a savage, rabid predator-self inside the same person. Who regards your kindness as weakness and may readily bite you again, given the chance!
Are we ready to deal with all these characters?!! In ourselves too? Can’t force ourselves to be compassionate. I hope you see someone beautiful in everyone, even while remaining utterly realistic about the savage ratbastard you may see therein too! 🙂
Saffron X Review says
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to your put up is just spectacular and that i can think you are knowledgeable in this subject.
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to date with impending post. Thanks a million and please keep up the gratifying work.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Saffron…
Elena says
Hello,
I’m 27 years old and I just joined a women’s support group for women who have been abused during their life. It was my reaction to my last meeting that brought me to this posting.
We were sharing some feelings in group and a few people cried and it seemed like most everyone shared with deep heart emotion. But I felt nothing.
Afterwards I wanted to call the leader and quit the group because I didn’t think that it was for me. I was moderately uncomfortable with all of the tears and I was very uncomfortable attempting to share from my heart. The whole experience made me want to flee and leave town.
I spent the rest of the evening calming down. And then it dawned on me. I’ve spent so many years so angry that I don’t even know what lies inside me anymore. The anger has been empowering in that I’ve learned to value myself, work hard, and recognize my competence through all of my suffering. Yet, it has also destroyed my life in many ways too.
As a child I was withdrawn, but still angry. My anger surfaced as a teenager. In adulthood it’s been a disruptive emotion because I have too much of it. I don’t act out violently and get into trouble but I am like fire and ice. I can’t truly read myself and I don’t know what I want in my heart and in my mind I have too much going on, some brilliance and some strangeness.
So here I am. I’m finally ready to start to peel away the anger and put my life back together but I really don’t know how I’m going to do this. I’ve never truly been comfortable anywhere and anger keeps me safe or it’s a barrier to protect me from other people in my life who are angry, like my dad.
Thanks for the post. I don’t suppose this is going to be an overnight journey. But I guess the first step is just to talk about it.
Gail Brenner says
This comment brings tears to my eyes, Elena. You have had the moment of insight that has the potential to change everything for you. I am celebrating with you.
You describe so clearly how anger has functioned in you – it has helped, but also hidden some other emotions that maybe now you are ready to peek into. You are used to being angry, but not feeling these other emotions or being open and undefended. This is new ground for you, so it is completely normal to not know, to be uncomfortable. So don’t shrink from the discomfort – it is actually the way forward for you.
I had a similar experience years ago when I realized that anger I was holding was hurting me way more than it was hurting anyone I was angry at. It was a selfish, life-changing moment when I walked away from it for good, and ended up benefitting me and everyone around me.
I love that you are now on the journey to real healing and wholeness. Sending oceans of love and support to you…
elena says
Thanks for your kind response, Gail.
Since posting, I’ve identified that I have a “double edged sword in me.” One side is anger and the other side is pain. I say harsh things that harm other people and hurt myself. I’m judgmental. I bleed myself and others, metaphorically.
I have been living life like this. All of my intimate relationships eventually end because of it. And my competencies are even a form of anger.
I’m in this place now where I have quit my job. I attend a support group. I live with my mom and dad. (I moved back after a breakup with a serious boyfriend).
As I have become aware of the pain in my heart I can no longer hold all these false pretenses that my anger allowed me to keep. I realize the cycle of abuse that exists in my family. They are wealthy intellectuals and were very self absorbed parents and remain so as people. I realize how my connection to this world creates my desperation for validation, for love, and for acceptance. It creates anger, restlessness, and avoidance of intimacy. I want off the cycle. I’m tired of trying to live out fantasies of my mind that exist only to protect myself from my own feelings of abandonment and lack.
It’s time to have a healthier relationship with my heart. I’ve been walking the path to disappointment for so long. It’s disgusting. I end up in situations that I think I can handle and can’t as a way to compensate my worth, I take on charity friends. I was recently treated as a charity friend by an adult three times my age who said that she loved me, wanted to help me, and then bailed. Ultimately I am pained by the life that I have created for myself in the town that I live in.
I am posting this just to be real. I can’t be real around anyone I know or am “close to” apparently because they are all too busy keeping their fantasy worlds intact. The minute I open my mouth to say something or ask for what I need or needed when I was little, I am made to feel mentally ill. My mom was a therapist. Or I am put down. My dad doesn’t like me. It seems like I’ve been running with people with the same problems as my parents my whole life, so it’s tough.
I am clear that I am not a kid and I need to move away to continue to heal. And I know I can do that. It’s just all the pretending drives me wild and is so confusing.
Gail Brenner says
Thank you for sharing this, Elena. When you put words to what lives hidden inside and share it with others, the jig is up. The secret hell is over. And it is the beginning of freedom, of the return to wholeness.
The way out of pretending is honesty. Confusion clears by seeing things as they actually are. It takes a lot of energy to wall yourself off from difficult feelings; truth-telling is effortless.
Things are really shifting for you. Be on the lookout for opportunities to step out of these habits and see life – people, situations – with fresh eyes and an open heart.
Jeannette says
I’m so glad I found this. I’ve been dealing with anger and with anger of a close loved one. But at first I wasn’t truly angry, I simply let what happened be. I knew I wasn’t the problem(at first) and if I except that fact, I have nothing to worry about. Until her anger turned my fear of interacting with her, into anger towards her, she would disrespected me for no reason. I have no choice but to ignore her to avoid fighting. I feel like I lost a good friend over her sudden anger issues. But reading through this site I did realize my anger was from fear.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for your comment, Jeannette. Anger so often masks other feelings, especially fear. For some people, it is easier to be angry than to realize there are other emotions like fear and sadness. If anyone feels a lot of anger, it’s always a good exploration to see if something else might be going on as well.
Sometimes friendships need to end, and we might not even understand why. It sounds like you are trying to understand your reaction so you can learn from the situation. Then even this rift in your friendship, even though it is painful, serves your freedom.
Sending love…
Clare says
Hmmmm somebody hasn’t lived with a psychopath. Anger saves victims. Anger can serve to protect and warn us. I’m not angry in every aspect of my life but when I see/hear any sign of that man my whole being recoils and feels anger. I thank my soul for protecting me.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Clare,
No, I haven’t lived with a psychopath, and you bring up a very good point. This article was targeted to people who get stuck in anger to the point where it affects how they feel and react to situations in their lives. Someone who goes through life holding onto anger is bound to be unhappy and have difficult relationships.
But it sounds like in your case anger has been protective and has led you away from a terrible situation into safety and sanity. This anger is functional and serves you. It doesn’t sound to me like you are stuck in it – rather, you are responding appropriately to a very challenging situation.
I’m very glad for you that you’ve taken good care of yourself in this way.
With love…
Jean Fauver says
I am trying to find the answer as why I am so angry, very short-fused, resentful to the point that I think that there obviously is something seriously wrong with me. I seem to suffer from the perfectionist syndrome. It’s extremely stressful!!
Gail Brenner says
I don’t know why you’re so angry either, Jean, but I do know that gently beginning to work with your anger – and the thoughts around it – can help. It may be a long and difficult path, but it’s possible to slowly unhook. Sometimes we need help from an outside objective person to guide us through the stickiest places. Be committed to doing whatever it takes to find moments of peace.
In love and support…
Donna says
Hi I read the article about anger and then the posts for a while. I have almost uncontrollable anger. Over the years it waxes and wanes but I can remember feeling fierce rage as early as twelve or thirteen. Please don’t think I am a monster but I have kicked my dogs.. Beat them sometimes when they set me off… Nothing where they were ever actually harmed. Now I have kids and I have just pulled out of a downward spiral where I would slap or hit in a moment of extreme frustration. I feel so horrible I can never take those things back. I feel miserable inside it’s hard to be a mom I just have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. I’m constantly CONSTANTLY battling depression sadness lonliness guilt anxiety. I wish I could just wipe the slate clean and relax but several times a day I am fighting the urge to scream at my children. I just feel terrible and now I am always tired and sore so I guess all this is beginning to take a toll. Every day that goes by is a day I feel like ill never get back with my children and maybe if I can’t do better they won’t even like me in a few years. I’ve got to mention that there’s just nothing between me and my husband. I want to go to him and cry and beg for help but he can’t do anything. He just looks at me… He doesn’t know what to do.
Gail Brenner says
I encourage you to get professional help in your local area, Donna. Find an anger management program, maybe in a clinic or from your local psychological association. There you’ll meet other people who have the same kind of difficulty coping.
I hear how tremendously painful this is for you. I understand how powerful this force of anger can be. You need to learn to relate to the anger, not from it. This means stepping back and realizing when it is in control. Then loving it, walking away from it, anything but continuing to act it out.
There is the possibility of relief for you. Find someone who can teach you what to do.
With love and support to you…
Anger says
Hello,
Can you tell me something about,
Being a friendly person,
but yet having a lot of silent anger inside me that I can hide, but its big but I can still hide it, I can feel its huge. Maybe that’s why their is always a sad/slightly mad expression on my face.
But most of the time I appear friendly automically even though Iv got a lot of anger to work on.
I try to forgive people in the past but the anger keeps returning and its buddy hate!
Gail Brenner says
I think you’ve said it quite clearly, Anger. You’re trying to suppress a lot of anger. You’re able to still be friendly, but the anger leaks out on your facial expression. It will probably keep returning until you turn to meet and explore it. It might be huge and contain a lot of energy, but that’s okay. It’s really waiting for you to turn and be friendly toward it.
Anger says
So yesterday I felt really happy
Perhaps it was because I said to myself its ok to be mad, but when I did that I smiled automically, their I was confused lol.
It got me a lot of woman looking at me as well hehe.
Anyways or perhaps it was because I had a massive workout going well before going out. Anyway, both work. I think I must not deny anger or block it, it will appear on my face anyway 🙂
Bella says
I stumbled on this looking for some answers. My partner of 3 years has rages and anger sparked by relatively little. A wrong look, a wrong expression, ‘pushing buttons’, wrong body language, misconstrued statements. He had 20 years in an unhappy relationship and, I think, a lot of hurt and damage to his self esteem. I read what you wrote about anger just being the surface emotion, but can hide fear, pain and hurt and can completely identify. Also in the ‘perfectionist’ – he is very particular and is so afraid of failing in any aspect of his life. In his calm times, he sees this, but is so much more comfortable putting responsibility on me and my need to change so that I don’t push the buttons. I want to support him, but he just needs his heart to heal. Not sure what to do, really, but appreciated finding this and the insight that came with it. Thanks.
Gail Brenner says
You are most welcome, Bella. I appreciate how you are looking at this situation from all angles. Really, though, it’s not your responsibility at all to change so that you don’t push his buttons, so please don’t take this on. In the name of honesty and his caring about you and the relationship, he will hopefully realize that this is his work to do. I also wonder about your boundaries – what are your limits are for yourself about what is not okay?
lara says
Dear Gail,
What you are doing here is truly inspiring, devoting your time to help people. What you are writing about is the truth and I read few books on this subject but for me the change comes too slow. I had an abusive parents in my childhood and it messed me up pretty hard, for years now I’m struggling to heal and after 4 years i did some improovments but I still feel depressed, sad, underappreciated, controling and a lot of anger. This is such a pity because i love to be happy and when I am, it is often when surrounded by people that have a good energy an they bring up the best in me. I dont even remember my childhood any more and I forgave my mother, but now I see my husband affecting me in the same way by being mad towards me because he doesn’t like me having a life of my own which causes my frustration from feeling of being trapped. I see him as an abuser now but he just also has his issues and his anger is not really abusive I just see it in that way. I also get mad when people hit my weak spot I don’t know how to change this because I tried a lot and my mind is going crazy from analyzing my thoughts and actions and talking to myself.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Lara,
Your husband acting the same way as your mother is an opportunity for you. It’s very common that we end up with partners that somehow remind us of the past because that’s what we’re comfortable with, even if it’s painful.
When you feel angry and underappreciated, this is the young Lara in you who has not had her needs met. Acknowledge her and be a lovely nurturing parent to her. This way you get to learn to take care of yourself when these urges arise.
It would help tremendously if your husband is on the path with you for honesty and openness. You could work on your patterns together, help yourselves and each other, and build intimacy in your relationship. If he is open, maybe you can read books together or work with a couples therapist.
These deep-rooted patterns take time to unwind. There is a lot of info on this site about working with overpowering emotions, so take a look in the archives. If you need the guidance of a therapist, don’t hesitate. It can be very helpful.
Harold L. Millican says
This post speaks volumes to me about the need for men to continue to move towards a place where they validate their feelings and emotions more comfortably. There is still a generational stigma out there that many men like myself are healing from that says: Strong and capable men should not express and deal with their emotions. Anger is a complex emotion. It’s something that definitely effects men of all ages. Men suppress their anger because of outdated moires of socioeconomics, culture, and perpetual denial. All of this is brought on by unhealed wounds from the past, in my view. I’m glad to see the post… it’s confirmation that I am not alone in my thinking that ANGER is far deep than meets the eye. I’m grateful to see such a response effort, and would like to challenge more males to join this dialogue.
Gail Brenner says
What you are bringing up here is so important, Harold, and I couldn’t agree with you more. We all get mixed messages about anger, but men in particular, as you mention. There is a lot of fear around anger – fear of feeling it, expressing it, and being the target of it. When we meet these fears, there is more space for a balanced and authentic expression of anger, which is healthy for all of us.
Sometimes people hold insidious spiritual ideas that go something like this: if you are really mature, enlightened, and living as your higher self, than you won’t feel angry. This idea only serves to invalidate this essential emotion. Anger is fiery and exhilarating. Can we bring it out of the shadows so we can finally be free of the pressure to hold it back?
Peter says
I’d like to first start off by saying THANK YOU Gail Brenner you might of saved my soul. I’m 35 now and I’ve been angry for a long long time and have never really discussed my feelings or even thought about them and just kept pushing it away. My childhood wasn’t the greatest my father was a very hard man to please and was abusive in many ways, he beat my mother really bad and us kids when we did anything wrong not to his liking. I’m the oldest of 6 siblings and from about 8 years of age I’ve taken on the role of looking after my younger siblings during my parents 10 year divorce. So much has happened during that time and now I see that that’s when I shut myself off. I literally had no emotion as I grew older or compassion for others from a very very young age. Time went on I had many girlfriends and could of been married multiple times but it never worked out, I always found a flaw after awhile and ended the relationship but funny thing is I never understood why I wasn’t married with a family like all my friends which is something I wanted so badly and it has greatly affected me. I’ve been with my current girlfriend for 5 years now and the first 2 years where the best years of my life. Then I started acting different towards her treating her like my possession and it seemed like whatever she has done it wasn’t perfect which I only realized today after stumbling onto your website. She has said many times that I was suppressing her and not letting her live her life, I thought she was crazy. The 4th year is when it all changed I completely gave up on us and 3 months ago we broke up. We still live together hoping it’ll work out, she has and still is giving me endless chances full of hope but I’m afraid it’s at its end. Lately I go one day I feel like this is exactly what I want then when something doesn’t go my way the smallest of things I get so angry. Feeling jilted from her and say this isn’t going to work and just completely give up and begin with the emotional abuse. I started to emotionally abuse her finding and making up imperfections she had when in fact she’s smartest most kind caring person I know but I didn’t care about that she wasn’t good enough, especially when the rage had taken over I wanted to run away. I had realized my anger problems awhile ago but could not understand why they were happening and had absolutely no idea how to fix it. She had always said it was up to me to change and be happy. Up until today when I stumbled onto your articles I just couldn’t understand why I was this way or how to change for the better. Reading the articles and all the forums have answered so many of my questions and doubts about what she was trying to get through to me for the last three years. Your great insight has helped me realize that yes it is me that has an anger or fear problem and it is up to me to make myself happy not her when I believed it was her job. I’m so looking forward to taking the necessary steps now that I have some clarity, knowledge and realization that it was me all along, I’m an ass and she deserves unconditional love as she so freely had given me this whole time. This is going to be hard for me but perhaps my stubbornness in first realizing that I was the one that brought us down was ultimately the hardest thing to accept. So many things I read on your website were triggering memory’s of bad unhappy feelings I had towards her thinking she was lazy and not perfect for me which in fact was all me blaming her for me not knowing how to deal with feelings I didn’t want to deal with. I was really confused and losing my mind for awhile now but I feel so much better now that I understand why and where my anger was coming from and the necessary steps that need to be taken when anger first starts to happen thanks so much to you. I can’t thank you enough and will take any further advice you have to offer. My father is remarried and is actually a changed man for the better and I think that’s my first step is to stop that long story that has plagued me since a little boy. I’d greatly appreciate any further advice you have to offer. Thanks Peter
Gail Brenner says
I’m so happy for all of your insights, Peter. I’m glad you found your way here at just the right time.
It sounds like, at the core, you care about your girlfriend and think she could be a good partner for you. If this is true, then come clean with her. Sit down and tell her how you now understand your anger and other emotions. Make apologies as necessary and take responsibility. And vow to be open with her in the future about discussing your feelings (not acting them out). It might be a good idea to get some professional help. If you both are willing, it helps to sit with an objective person, a counselor, to help the two of you have this discussion.
With anger, and with any other feeling, it’s about how you relate to it – not how you let it drive you. So with time and good intention, you can learn to step back enough to see it before it starts wreaking havoc on your life, and find healthy ways to express it that aren’t destructive to your relationships.
Learning what to do with feelings is an essential life skill that will serve you well, and I’ve talked about this a lot on this site. As you bring everything out into the open, you begin to see that, although feelings seem to consume you, they are not all of you. There is a “you” who has never been touched by them. It is the sense of you as aware and alive that transcends all thoughts and feelings. When you can find that and rest there, the power of feelings begins to subside.
You’re embarking on a beautiful journey that I hope will be fruitful for you. Sending love…
james says
I am going through alot over the past few years, depression, bad breakups, gained weight, bought a business that turned out to be a bad deal, now struggling to keep it open until it’s sold…..havent had a vacation or any other time “away” in 4 years…..i am so angry to the point its affecting my interaction with customers, friends, family. I unfortunately have anger peaks, where i “destroy” everything. For the past 2 days, I am feeling the anger escalating…..im shaking….i want to break things and i dont know what to do. I am fearing this time if I “snap” it might be very serious. What should I do????
Gail Brenner says
I encourage you to get some professional help, James. If you work with a therapist in your local area who specializes in anger management, you’ll have a safe space to talk about what’s going on, release the anger, and find healthy ways to cope. It’s going to take some time, so it’s good to work with someone for a while – maybe 8 sessions or so as a minimum.
In the meantime, you probably know that anger has a strong physical component to it. So every day, do something physical – run, lift weights, get the energy out so your body is tired. You can also do safe things like scream in your car or in the shower, punch pillows, and get up and stomp your feet. When you’re alone, yell out all the things you hold back from saying about the things and people that bother you. These might help to release some of it. And just so you know, I have done all of these things myself.
Anger has a wonderful vibrant energy at the core of it. It’s so alive! But if left unexpressed and unacknowledged too long, it starts to boil over and even become scary. I really appreciate that you posted your situation here. There is something very important for you to learn about the anger and the situations that trigger it. When you’re not so overcome by anger, see if you can figure out the teaching that is being offered to you.
Sending a big hug of support your way…
Juan Harper says
I know you posted this article two years ago, but maybe you can help me. I am constantly falling into a pit of anger and hatred for everyone and the world. I know that sounds like an exaggeration, but it is true. I literally boil to a point where I have no regard for anyone, not even family and friends and I honestly and truly wish for everyone to just go away and/or die. I even seriously contemplate murder to make them go away or suicide just so I don’t have to deal. I just want to be alone and feel that other people are only paramount to chaos and disappointment. Even as I type this and understand the irrationality of my behavior, I still wallow in my anger, hatred, and vocal disappointment, and it is usually ALWAYS directed at my partner.
About a month ago I thought I had found a harmony. I was working out every other day, I was eating healthy, getting plenty of vitamin D and iron (I’m deficient according to a blood test). Things with my live in partner were going well and my social and professional life was in sync. I thought nothing or no one could throw me off this happy path. Oh boy was I so wrong.
Our fridge broke and all of the good nutritious food I bought had to be thrown out. We ordered a new fridge but it took over a week to arrive and I was forced to eat junk food in the meanwhile. With a bad diet, my body went back to being it’s normal sluggish moody pissed off self. The fridge did arrive but my phone broke in the process.
My iPhone also literally died. My partner ordered me a new phone BUT THE FED-EX DRIVER STOLE IT IN THE MAIL! I was told I would have to wait another week or two and I was so angry I cancelled everything and almost punched the AT&T clerk in the face and went to jail. I then went to FED-EX and yelled at all the employees until I felt satisfied. My partner then went to get me another line through a new carrier, but it turns out someone stole his identity and already opened a phone account with them meaning I couldn’t signup through him and his credit and now I am without a phone and haven’t spoken with my family, who is 2000 miles away, in 2 weeks.
My partner has given up on it and I hate him for that. He promised to help me get a phone and didn’t deliver and has made no efforts to work things out or even follow up on his stolen identity. I checked out of the relationship because I feel hatred for him over all this, and the fact that he does not care about my frustrations, and I even thought about quitting my job because I just don’t want to be around people. I would be fine living unemployed with my mother and dying alone. I know I should not feel this way, but I can’t help it.
Stuff like this always happens with EVERYONE in my life. I no longer have friends and have gotten to the point where I avoid anyone who tried to enter my life or I treat them rudely to drive them away. As I type this it is easy to look at it all from a bird’s eye view. But when I am out in the world, in the heat of the moment, I resort to my same ole tactics.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Juan,
It’s so clear how difficult things have been for you, and I appreciate your writing here. You probably found your way here by googling “anger” which means that you are searching for solutions. That’s a great starting point.
There’s a lot here, so I’ll make a couple of points. First, I understand the situations that trigger your anger, but ultimately, it’s not about the situations – it’s about how you relate to your anger. What this means is it’s helpful to get to know your anger so it doesn’t overpower you. But it also means not squashing it, but finding healthy ways to express it. Anger is a fiery emotion with a big physical component. For starters, take a few moments when the anger is about medium, not super strong, step back from it, and start to get to know it. Just be curious – how is it in your body, where is it, what does it feel like. And let yourself feel the sensations. The more you step back to study and reflect on your anger, it begins to lose its power. So do this a lot, especially feeling the physical sensations.
Second, spend some time reflecting on your values about how you want to be with and treat people. It sounds like there’s a disconnect. You don’t want to be rude, but you are. You get one go-around in this world, so you get to decide how you want to be. What’s important to you? How do you want the moments of your life to be? How do you want to relate to your partner? You can’t control the situations that come up in your life, but you can control how you react to them. This is key. Stuff happens and it always will – the refrigerator, the phone. Your job is to stop and be conscious about how you want to respond.
Third, I don’t know, but maybe some areas of your life need to be cleaned up. Are the people in your life supportive and affirming, or do your relationships with some of them need to go? Are you living in a way that is aligned with your truth? Declutter and simplify in all ways and there’s a greater chance of experiencing peace.
Finally, when you are very angry, let yourself go into a rage – but do it safely. Go into your car or the shower or somewhere where you won’t scare others, and roar. Try not to break things, but let it out to the extreme. Say the things you probably don’t want to actually say to someone, beat your fists, scream, stomp your feet, exaggerate it so it gets a chance to come out. Then when it’s over, take a few breaths, and you’ll be ready to come back into your life.
If you seriously feel like you are going to hurt someone else or yourself, please get help ASAP. Go to a hospital emergency room, call the suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255), tell your doctor. Do something right away if it gets that bad.
I wish you deep healing and love…
Scott says
I get angry almost every day. Recently, I’ve been feeling anger every day to the point where I’m destroying my relationship with my girlfriend and any objects I take my frustration out on.
I don’t need to stop being angry, people just need to stop p*ssing me off 🙂
Gail Brenner says
I wish it were that easy, Scott. Waiting for people to stop pissing you off will only lead to more waiting—and anger. Because, as I’m sure you know, you can’t control what they say or do.
The path to peace is for you to form a new relationship with your angry feelings so they don’t have so much power over you. You learn tools and perspectives that are peace-promoting. It has to start from within you, or things will never change.
When someone thinks they’re right, the question is: do you want to be right or do you want peaceful relationships. Giving up the need to be right can be very liberating! Wishing you well…
J says
Hi, I am confused about my actions when I’m drunk, I become very stupid and say things and do things I would never do when I’m normal. I feel more sensitive and immature when drunk. And the next thing I feel angry and embarrassed og my actions. I’m angry at myself. At the same time I’m angry at people. I feel misunderstood. I am so much in pain and angry to myself. I regret things I do. I knew all my mistakes but I feel like people who forgives me makes me still insecure if they still look at me or love me the same way as before.
Gail Brenner says
It sounds like you know in your heart that you are more clear thinking when you’re not drunk. If you need help to stop drinking, please contact Alcoholics Anonymous or a local counselor.
When you stop drinking, you will have a clearer perspective on what to do with your feelings and how to make wiser life decisions.
Peter Drinnan says
Great article and I also enjoyed reading through your followups. I noticed that nobody commented on this as an issue in the workplace. In the past I have worked with people with unresolved anger issues. I think in these cases the main causes were points 5 and 7 (self importance and attention seeking) in your article.
I think that in many cases as a result of economic factors, people can feel trapped in work relationships. They feel they have no easy way to remove themselves from the situation, whether is is simply being in the presence of or worse yet managed by someone with anger issues.
I wish there was a way for an article like yours to easily find it’s way to those types of people. Anger has psychological victims on many sides, not just the person who is angry.
Gail Brenner says
I hear you, Peter, and I understand your point about people feeling trapped in work situations.
In my view, chronic frustration and anger is no way to live, and I know another way is possible, even if external factors make us feel stuck. Really, we put ourselves in prison by our thoughts and attachments – and we hold the key to freedom from them.
A-train says
Sometimes I just don’t know if I want to let go…you know how there are people who are just too far gone…well I might be one of those people…I’ve had so much pain created in my life…honestly….I can’t feel joy or happiness…I was numb at my wedding…it took my three years to be happy with my twin daughter’s…I just graduated as an lpn…and I felt nothing…I’m so angry tears start for no reason…I cheated on my wife…and feel no remorse…Yes she knows…now she’s different…it’s three years later now…I love my wife and kids past the edge of the universe…more then I love my God…there is so much more to my anger then what I am posting…but it doesn’t matter anymore…I try everyday to be happy…but the slightest misstep pulls the trigger…I know I’m lost and personally I just don’t care if I stay that way anymore…I just want my kids to have everything…and at least I’m succeeding in that even if my marriage is hanging by a thread…therapy failed…medication failed…talking about it failed…praying about it failed…I know it’s no one’s problem or concern and I’m not looking for sympathy or pity not even empathy…I just thought I’d let people know that there is a point of no return…I live it everyday…I uhh hope for the rest of you that when you read this it somehow moves you to get past your anger and pain…good day
Gail Brenner says
Hi A-train,
I’m sure you are not the only one who is living like this, so I really appreciate your sharing your experience here.
I know you’re not asking for sympathy or pity, but I do want to recommend a book to you. It’s called, “To Be a Man,” and is the best description of what it’s like to be a man, including the anger, pressure, and shame that men experience, that I’ve ever read. It’s opened my eyes tremendously, and I suspect you will find it validating, if not helpful. I personally know the author and trust him totally. You can find it on Amazon here.
I care about your experience, your pain, and I’m sending love and support your way…
Calista says
It is true that holding onto anger is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. However letting go of anger in all situations is not easy – at least not in my experience. I’ve lived with immense anger/hurt for 2.5yrs and it is ruining me. A family member betrayed and humiliated me. And yes I think she’s wrong, she clearly thinks she’s right because she never apologized. If I bring up, it will be useless, however each time I am at a family gathering it uproots all the anger, to the point I avoid them. The avoidance hurts me and the rest of my family. Yes anger that lingers definitely is a reaction to being hurt very badly. If after 2.5 years I cannot forgive, forget, move on, etc….do I just remove person from my life? What she did was horrible and although she couldn’t predict or be blamed for the outcome, I attempted suicide. I was on antibiotic that was aggravating my depression (side effect I didn’t know of) and for one week I tried to reach out to the person and she didn’t return phone calls and when I did reach her, she was dismissive before I had a chance to speak. The next morning I woke up without premeditation, took a lethal dose of drugs in my car in an abandoned shopping center parking lot. I didn’t show for work and they GPSed my car. I always will wonder if she treated me like a human being the week prior whether I would have been pushed over the cliff. The attempt severely hurt my family, me and my career…and more fallout I cannot disclose. How does one reconcile a situation such as this?
Gail Brenner says
I understand your anger, Calista, and I also see how you feel betrayed by her. But the source of the problem, as I see it, is that you see yourself as a victim of her actions. Yes, her actions were hurtful. And the path to healing for you is to take responsibility for your own behavior. That’s the missing link here. Your anger toward her is keeping you locked into unforgiveness. The key is to take a breath, and feel the feelings that are they underneath you anger – despair, hurt, loss, disappointment. Whatever it is, give space to all that is happening within you. Once you begin to have compassion and understanding for your own behavior, the focus on her will lessen, and there will potentially be space for forgiveness.
This is a fierce journey for you. Take back your power by changing how you relate to your inner experience. Don’t feed these stories, which will only keep the pain going. Look deeply within yourself for the way out. Sending love….
Calista says
Gail,
You are absolutely right that I haven’t forgiven myself. I do take responsibility, and have more than I can share on the Internet, but I am still dealing with the mess I created, and it’s not because I’m dwelling on it, but because I finally put legal ramifications to bed this past week.
I do just hate myself. I don’t hate her, she let me down. I understand having expectations leads to bring let down…so I have anger and expectations, two self destructive feelings.
They say half the battle is admitting and understanding your own problems…but it is only 20%…I’ve got a long way to go to change my thought process. She shouldn’t even matter to me, except she’s married to my brother. Otherwise I would have erased her from my life. I think it would be best for both of us.
I do appreciate your thoughtful and accurate advice.
Thank you!
Gail Brenner says
I appreciate your honesty with yourself, Calista. Sounds like you see the way forward. All best wishes to you….
S says
Hi doctor
I am no longer angry. I used to be very angry but now it left me . Now I feel lazy all the time. My brain is not used to feeling so relaxed what should I do? I feel like sleeping all day. Will this sleepiness go away. Please help.
Gail Brenner says
Hi S,
It sounds like you want the sleepiness to go away. Rather than resisting it, why not investigate it? Are there any emotions present? What is this sleepiness/laziness trying to tell you? Can you find the place within you that is awake and present in your life?
This could be a fruitful investigation for you…
Nika says
Anger is what drove my husband to be separated from me. I didn’t know, but he’s been angry with me for years and held it in until he just didn’t want to be bothered any more. Talking to him I was a horrible and immature wife and he never talked to me about this out of fear. Now I try to make ammends, but his anger will not allow him to forgive and move forward. Until recently I have apologized over and over and now understand he has to deal with the anger: there is nothing I can do or say to ease it. Wow anger cuts like a knife to the gut, but I will continue to support and will not give up on my marriage.
Gail Brenner says
There’s so much intelligence in your comment, Nika. Yes, he’s the one who needs to deal with his anger. Good for you for apologizing. If you stay together, he’ll also need to realize that he can trust you, so you’ll need to show him by your behavior that you can be trusted. Beautiful how you’re keeping your heart open…
Nika says
Gail….in this journey I am also finding out I need to forgive him too so I can move forward with love and not keep harping on the past. Last night in writing this post I was concentrating on his anger to me and then God revealed to me that I may need to forgive him as well and then I won’t feel the guilt of his anger. Again, thank you for this article, it opened my eyes to anger and helped me on my road to healing.
Zdravko Luk. says
A very interesting list of eye-opening facts!
I’ve been suffering from anger for some time. I’m not being angry with my most dear people that I love, but the ones that creep me our with their attitude and behavior.
But considering the fact that I indeed am a perfectionist (sometimes self-centered), and that I don’t intend to give up on my perfectionism attitude and personality, anger will probably stay with me for a while 🙂
Meditation however, helps a lot to overcome this!
Thanks for this great post!
Gail Brenner says
Interesting, Zdravko. You want to overcome your anger and keep your perfectionistic personality. You are right in the richness of the human experience, filled with paradoxes. Enjoy yourself!
John says
Hello so I have been having anger towards my parents for years now and I am 20 years old with the feeling that I should have already passed the stage of hormones. This anger does not necessarily come from a source and I do not know what to do. I don’t want to be angry and would like to smile and joke with them but i feel like there is a force that is separating me from them. I would appreciate any help. Thank you.
Gail Brenner says
Hi John,
The path here is for you to make peace with the anger within yourself. I talk about a very similar experience I had in this post. Maybe that will help you – feel free to let me know.
You don’t have to buy into the these thoughts and feelings about anger – especially because you want a different kind of relationship. See what needs to happen in your own inner experience for the anger to lose its power.
Janie says
Lots of great insights here. Right now struggling to let go of a non existent relationship. Got back together with an ex BF, briefly. He said all the things I have been waiting years for. Then one day he did the “I love you and you mean a lot to me, but lets just be friends”. thing. I found out he left me to be with someone else. I tried over and over to talk to him. He will not respond at all. I can not be his friend if he starts out a relationship based on a lie. I am hurt and very very angry. Rage is a good word. How dare he give me what I have been waiting for then 3 weeks later take it all away? I am a giver, making things for him, taking care of things for him, lending him money. etc.. He never said thank you. I feel angry at him for lying, and abusing my kindness, and I also feel angry at myself for ever believing him again. i am also mourning for something that will never be. That also makes me angry. Letting go of the anger means letting go of the relationship, but there was no relationship to begin with. It had always been one sided. Hugging myself often and saying things will be ok.
Thanks for listening. I am in tremendous pain.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Janie,
It sounds like underneath your anger is hurt. Let yourself have all your feelings, without indulging them. The more you keep telling yourself stories about what should and shouldn’t have happened, the more this pain will stay alive in you. Be very nurturing toward yourself right now with kind and compassionate self-care. When the time is right, see what you can learn from what happened. You’re in a healing process, so don’t rush it. Get support and take good care.
Lacey says
Thank you for the article. I came across this tonight, looking for suggestions as I cant stand my anger any longer. After 31 years, I realize I am the problem. My anger ruins relationships and wont let me advance to being the mature person I would like to be. I get angry over the stupidist things that I of course feel justified for being angry about but I am realizing normal people don’t let such insignificant things bother them, not only that but I stay angry. I’m sure my anger comes from not being happy with my life. I’m working to change it but its not happening fast enough and my frustrations are being misdirected, not only that but I’m pretty sure a part of me enjoys being angry. In the moment I like the attention. Afterwards i feel horrible though. I know this behavior is not becoming and it needs to change. I hope to use your advice as a stepping stone to moving in the right direction. Thank you.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Lacey,
I hear the authenticity in your words. You are the one who has control, and it sounds like you’re ready to exercise it. Yes, there may be moments when you enjoy the anger, but in those moments, stop and ask yourself what you really want. Let your wisdom lead you.
BellyBoo says
Brilliant work Gail! 🙂 I’ve had to deal with anger issues before, as an eight year old child I used to fly in to a rage for no real reason. This anger lasted for two years that I was aware of, until I was about ten. Sometimes nothing even needed to be said to me to make me mad, I could sit in my bedroom by myself and just get mad over nothing that I was aware of. Then at night I would get mad at myself again for having been mad throughout the day towards my siblings, parents and within myself too. I never knew where this anger came from but I was determined to get rid of it. I didn’t really know how to do this at the time and I didn’t talk to anyone about it either. I first tried by doing relaxing breathing as I felt the feelings escalate within me and found this to partly help, as I continued with that method I also introduced the idea of reversing my thoughts, turning angry thoughts, feelings and hatred into the happiest thoughts I could think of. The combination of these two methods proved to be quite helpful to me and in about a year I had removed these negative emotions from my mind. All was going quite well emotionally for me until I was fourteen and a certain dominant, male figure in my life violated me… This occurred many times, until my parents withdrew me from the situation. I didn’t know how to handle it, no one ever really wanted to talk about it and neither did I. I decided that it mustn’t of meant much and just tried to forgive him. I thought I was doing okay for about a year after and then slowly my feelings of anger started coming back, this time they are more internal. Now four-ish years down the track I am struggling with this inward build up of anger. I don’t want anyone to see it or to know about it… On top of this I’m also having other family issues and just normal life stresses to deal with but I’m just not coping…I should be able to… 🙁 I don’t want to be angry anymore… 🙂
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, BB. You are such a survivor! I see that you value peace so highly and you won’t give up until you’re living it. Good for you!
I know you don’t want to be angry anymore, but for now it would be better to accept that you are. Because then you’re not ignoring the anger, which only empowers it. You can deal with it directly. You’ve come up with some wonderful tools to help you, so keep practicing them.
Since the anger is now more inner, it might help to work with the ways it shows up physically in your body. It’s very simple – just bring your attention into your body and open a space of presence to allow the sensations to be. As you probably know, the sensations of anger can be quite strong. When they’re unseen, they create a story…and suffering. So consciously give the sensations space to be. You might feel quite a bit of energy, but that’s OK. You don’t need to go into any story or thoughts around them, just stay with the physical sensations, giving them room to breathe.
Here are some posts you might find helpful here and here.
Sending love…
Josh says
When I was a young teenager I was abused by my father. Rather than feel the pain, I resorted to anger, a much easier sensation to deal with. I am in my mid 30’s now and many broken relationships later, I am beginning to see how my anger is destroying my life, but more accurately how my inability to feel pain is ruining my relationships. The moment my partner does anything to hurt me, I react in furious rage, rather than feel the pain. As it is much easier to feel anger and power than to feel small and hurt. My question is where to go from here? How do I get in touch with the pain for healing? Do I try to remember all those teenage years of hurt and begin to feel them, maybe cry over them? Is it about getting in touch with the past? I understand the the concept of acknowledging the sensations and getting more in touch with my present feelings of hurt, but is there also work to be done digging into my past? Thanks, Do you have experience healing anger in your own life? I suppose everybody does on some level, but just curious if you had major work around it? I find the greatest healers are ones who have had to heal themselves. Cheers.
Gail Brenner says
Good for you, Josh, that you see the problem so clearly and are so willing to deal with it.
There are two ways to go here, and maybe both of them will be helpful to you.
One, and this is the most essential in the long run, is to be truthful about your experience in the moment. So when you rage because you’re hurt, part of your experience is rage, but if you were to stop and shine a spotlight on all of it, you’d find hurt, sadness, fear, etc. So first, as you start, when you rage or feel the rage coming, stop and be open with yourself about what else is there. Name the feelings and feel how they show up in your body. Cry, if tears come, but don’t force anything. You may want to also write about what’s happening within you. The next step would be to talk about it with your partner, if she can be with you in a safe and loving way. But more important is for you to know within yourself what’s happening and begin to befriend all of these feelings. I write a lot about this if you check out the archives here.
You may also find it helpful to tell the stories from your past and feel the feelings around them. Ultimately, the story isn’t important – what is is your experience in the moment. But when the stories are so a part of who we think we are, telling them and experiencing the feelings helps to let them go. That might sound like a paradox, but when the stories and feelings stay hidden and unexamined, they cause trouble, as you know. Think about it as shedding the stories so you can know who you really are without them – this is freedom. But most times people can’t just put them down. Instead, it’s a process that takes time that allows all parts to be experienced. BTW: this is work that can be very helpful to do with a therapist.
As for my own experience, when I was younger, I experienced a lot of anger, but at some point, I realized that it was mostly fueled by fear, so that became my focus. At that point, the anger dissipated a lot. But the one experience I can share with you and have written about somewhere on this blog is that I was very angry toward my parents for many years. At one point, clarity came in a flash, and I realized that my own life experience was being negatively affected by me holding in this anger. At that time, I was very much on fire for understanding happiness and how not to suffer. And I saw that being angry at them was causing me problems way more than anyone else. The second I had that realization, the anger dropped away and never returned. I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore with it, so dropping it was a selfish decision for my own happiness. As a result, I was so much happier and lighter, and yes, my relationship with my parents improved a lot. But that was a side effect. I just really wanted to be happy, no matter what.
Hope that’s helpful. Sending support for your journey…
SJ says
I can’t express what your words mean to me & I am openly asking for your help please. The hurt & anger is so deep rooted but if you knew me on a day to day basis I’m really kind & compassionate. I let myself & those that love me (my son) down on a monthly basis (that’s a max..sometimes it’s once a week ????) could someone please help me x
Gail Brenner says
You need to start looking within, SJ, to recognize the hurt and anger but not let these emotions control you. If you are letting people down, stop in any moment and ask yourself: What do I really want in this moment? Begin to access a place in you that is not angry or hurt. This place is wise, loving, and compassionate. Embrace the hurt and anger with so much compassion like a mother loves her children, but move forward from love. That kindness and compassion you bring to others? Turn it inward to those hurting parts of you.
alissa says
I’m 21 years old and mother was always angry about things if the house was a mess , we didn’t do our homework ect . Ect.
She was a good mom but wasn’t very affectionate towards us or our dad . So we didn’t see love very much . She and my dad were also very strict with me so I was always babysitting ,cleaning and whatnot all the time . So now I live on my own with my boyfriend of two years and have been having issues with anger like alot of little things make me angry when I come from work like if the dogs are too wild or there’s a mess in a room . I get depressed in a way and just don’t feel like doing anything . This Upsets My boyfriend When I Get Like This . He loves me very much and wants to marry me one day but not if I’m like this . I feel terrible bc I’m a wonderful person to be around but if I’m mad I make sure the world knows . I don’t know why or how to stop this little triggers . I also have a hard time showing my animals and my boyfriend love and affection like I want to but it takes a while . I need help or I’m going to lose the love of my life .
Gail Brenner says
Hi Alissa,
You need to find the power within to live the way you truly want to. If you want good relationships and peace in your life, then let those be the guiding values for you. Breathe through the urges to get angry, then make conscious choices about being flexible, loving, and accepting of others. You can’t choose what the dogs do and what your boyfriend does, but you can choose how you react. Make the commitment within yourself to let your behavior speak what you want your life to be about.
Brand says
Alissa i am going through the same thing partner wise it is horrible i feel so worthless like am i even the definition of a woman. Should I ever even call myself one. The pain I cause his is killing me. I’m not even 95 pounds because of all the hurt and the devastation I do to him ruins me. Thus it should because that’s what I’m doing to him.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Brand,
What I said to Alissa applies to you as well. And here’s my response:
You need to find the power within to live the way you truly want to. If you want good relationships and peace in your life, then let those be the guiding values for you. Breathe through the urges to get angry, then make conscious choices about being flexible, loving, and accepting of others. You can’t choose what others so, but you can choose how you react. Make the commitment within yourself to let your behavior speak what you want your life to be about.
And it’s amazing that you have this choice!
Nina says
I am 64 years old and have dealt with my mothers anger, hatred and rage all my life. She responded to everything with anger…if we dropped something, changed our mind about something…..She hated strangers walking down the road or driving in front of her. She screamed at my father constantly and if she didn’t get her way, we got the silent treatment. I never realized until this week during a tour of my local women’s shelter, that she was verbally and emotionally abusive to us! I have grown up believing its normal to get angry for everything that isn’t perfect. I remember hearing people I worked with talking to others and thinking, how can they be so nice, why aren’t they mad? She is cold and won’t say “I love you” even to my children or grandchildren. Before my father died, she wouldn’t even sit next to him in the hospital room, she sat across the room. The day after he died, she thru all his things into garbage bags. My father was funny, intelligent, easy going, hard working, generous… I don’t know how he put up with her abuse all those years. I have been in therapy trying to deal with my anger toward her…..now everything makes sense!
Gail Brenner says
Hi Nina,
It’s so lovely to hear that you are discovering a new way – that you don’t have to respond with anger. You can stop, press pause, and decide how you want to respond. Freedom!
I’m glad it’s all making sense to you now, as this is the road to your inner peace and happiness.
john says
This helped me out more than I can even explain thank you
Gail Brenner says
I’m so glad, John!
Claire says
I have just come across anger not in myself but my boyfriend, I suffer with anxiety (I was always honest about it) and the majority of the time I can control it when I didn’t I was met with the most extreme anger from my boyfriend not speaking to me for 5 days. He it seems need everyone to be perfect and if that doesn’t happen he gets angry, ignores, punishes and as he has just done ended our relationship as I rub him up the wrong way. Obviously because I must be doing this on purpose he cannot do problems….and that makes him very angry.
Gail Brenner says
If he’s not willing to work on this, Claire, as painful as it may be to break up, maybe you’re better off being free and available for a loving, accepting partner.
Vik says
Hello Gail, this is certainly a life saver while it does effectively and realistically explain how clam and light one can become; I have been trying hard but not so successful in forgiving all. Yes, I have been selective here and thats the issue. I have been able to forgive a lot of those which my mind (selfishly) tells me are convenient to let go, but a few others about which I feel I could afford to live with hatred in my heart, continue to nag me. I’ve had a fallout with a close friend more than a month back after he insulted my family (that’s my version), and though I have been trying to let go of him and the incident, I am unable to cope with the fact that he still maintains his stand and hasn’t seriously cared to resolve it. I want to get over this and move on in life in real terms. Could you please help.
Regards
Gail Brenner says
Hi Vik,
The issue for you is your own reactions – not the fact that your friend maintains his stand. If we make our own peace dependent on others’ behavior, we are asking for trouble – because people rarely do what we want them to.
Take responsibility for your own happiness and for the energy and intention you bring to your relationships. Walk your own path the way you really want to, then you’re living according to your most essential priorities. It’s all about you and what you want – not anyone else.
Cath says
Hi gail this article really brought a few issues for me to to light. I am a perfectionist and my anger is causing issues in my marriage. I hate my temper and want to learn how to have calm ‘disagreements’ with my husband without blowing up and stomping off and being a bad role model for my child. I can control it at work but not at home. Is there any book you recommend for me? Thanks
Gail Brenner says
Hi Cath,
You can google “anger management” for books and articles that might help. Ultimately, it’s about being willing to be aware in the moment and making a different choice. As soon as you realize you’ve lost it, take a breath, return to sanity, and choose how to move forward.
I recently wrote a couple of articles on anger, which you can find here and http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-18364/how-to-deal-when-you-feel-yourself-getting-angry.html.
Wishing you well on your path….
Sarah says
Hello Gail,
I’m looking at these sites just trying to figure out when I became so angry. I have always been quiet and reserved and more fearful of people for most of my life. Yet I was content. Around fifteen I got involved with drugs and at 21 checked myself into a final facility to clean myself up. I’ve always had a loving family and I’m now in a pretty good relationship and even expecting a baby. But something has happened maybe in the past year. I’m just so angry. And I mean with everything. I have found I just hate people. Whether it’s behind the wheel ( I am terrible when it comes to getting Angry with what I call idiot drivers), at either of my jobs, or at home. All it takes is a driver who doesn’t signal to a demanding customer being rude with me and I find I am actually shaking I am so mad. I can honestly say it’s even worse now that I am pregnant, though that was expecting. But I don’t know where this all came from. It can be any little thing and I find myself wanting to explode and just tear these people apart. I was never like this before. I went from loving everything to really hating everyone. I label a lot of people as stupid or rude and stuck up, like everything people do is some personal attack. Why? I’m waiting to talk to a professional one on one but in the mean time does this sound familiar to you, or anyone else for that matter? Id appreciate any advice. Thank you.
Brenda says
Sarah,
In my experience, there’s always an underlying cause. You’re angry at everything and everyone, but its something unsettled within yourself that is the root. If you don’t have a history of not being able to control your emotions, then I’d look at events directly prior to when you started being angry. It could literally be anything…for example I get angry and take it out on other people when me and my significant other are arguing, or if I feel neglected by him and haven’t resolved the issue, if my kids are fighting all it takes is one negative thought which is usually that I suck as a mother, I get angry if I just feel like shit because I didnt get enough sleep. I get angry when my kids don’t want to do the things I think they should want to do, or If I feel a lack of control over anything. Sometimes I’m angry because I have a deep resentment that I’m a mother, yet I’m so much more than that and I’m not able to venture into anything outside of my children…the list goes on. Ive been trying to take Gail’s point that while its nice to know why or where the anger comes from (because for me realizing what I’m actually angry about validates my feelings and let’s me know I’m just not going insane) that’s not what is going to help you in the moment. And because on any given day the root cause of my anger can be literally anything, I’m trying to focus on techniques to get through the emotions and not react visciously. But getting back to wondering where the hell it came from, look at the events on your life timeline, make a list of anything that is different now than before. Meditate and evaluate each of your intimate relationships and see if there’s any unsolved issues or feelings and emotions. Depression can make you angry, too. The unsettling and hopeless feeling of something just not feeling right…
Hope this gives you some insight from one angry person to another…
Brenda says
Actually, I want to retract what I said about knowing why you’re angry not helping in the moment. It depends on what moment you’re in. If you’re snapping on your hubby because he ignored you (example) and you’re actually telling him directly that’s why you’re angry, albeit yelling or screaming or throwing things in tandem, you don’t have to wonder why you’re angry. But if you’re throwing things because they got in your way, chances are your anger is coming from the unresolved issue of your hubby ignoring you. So in the latter moment, it would do good to know that shit that gets in your way isn’t where your anger is from, it is merely an irritant to your already bad feeling of being ignored by your hubby. And being able to step back and realize that could help you step back and say hey I don’t need to throw shit because I’m angry, I need to resolve the issue of being ignored by my hubby…by talking to my hubby. But in the end you still have to check your anger in that moment too, and that’s where you need to learn ways to manage what you’re feeling and not react. All easier said than done.
Brenda says
I also want to throw in that in my experience with life, and talking to other angry people, I feel there is legitimacy to the notion that sometimes people become depressed and/or angry when they become more aware of how horrible many people are in today’s society. If you’re like me, you’re compelled to know as much as you can about everything in life…unfortunately the more you know the more you’re aware of all the bad things in life. You don’t want anyone to sugarcoat anything or be ignorant of anything, and sometimes realizing that this world, while containing its fair share of love and beauty, is full of a lot of disgustingness and horrors. And being of aware of that can make you really f*cking pissed off.
But even having said all that, being angry all the time is no way to live and we must dig our claws into all the good in the world and in our personal lives and hold on for dear life because that is what can help us change.
Gail Brenner says
Lovely insights, Brenda. Thanks so much for sharing here.
Love to you…
Sarah says
Thank you both for your advice. I just don’t want to be angry like this I don’t like the person I’m turning into. I know some if not all of this has to have stemmed from things that happened when I relapsed and started using again. Along with all of the terrible things that happened in that lifestyle, I know I have been angry with myself for even letting myself become that person again. It was just such a weakness. Sometimes I feel like nothing good happens. Yes I’m in a good relationship when were not fighting but other than that I have to keep myself from feeling like only bad things happen to me. Finally get my life together and normal and I end up pregnant. Just one thing after another. Also working in retail and learning how people really are I suppose I just expected more and angry at how people really are. I just need to stop getting angry about things that are out of my control. I know one thing that helps is telling myself exactly that. I can’t control the people around me. I can’t control my past. I can’t control (at this point) that I’m pregnant. I know if I think about that it brings me back to worrying about what I am in control of, which is how I react. I need to slow things down take a step back and remember some things I just have to accept and worry more about my own life. I know I’m not perfect either and I’m sure there are people out there (my parents) who wish they could’ve shaken me until I got it. But anyway it was very nice getting feedback and I’m happy I came to this site. Thank you. And I hope maybe my method can help someone else.
Gail Brenner says
It’s good that you see these expectations of others, Sarah, because they’re going to cause trouble every time. Better to take a deep breath and say, OK. OK, it’s like this, this is happening, and I’m going to meet it with courage and grace. Your expectations aren’t going to change reality. When it comes to our personal desires, reality always has the upper hand. Life just is. And the more we flow with it, like water, the less we suffer.
Sending love…
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sarah,
I agree with Brenda to look at what was happening right before you started feeling angry. Maybe a new occurrence triggered the anger. Or maybe you’re at a place where your anger is now coming out, rather than suppressing it. I don’t know, but I can understand you asking that “why now” question.
Now, as Brenda addressed (thanks for your insights, Brenda!), the “why” question can be useful or it can be a distraction. It’s useful when asking “why” helps to solve the problem. Maybe you do need to have a conversation with someone or take care of some other matter. But if you live in the “why” and you don’t deal with the anger in the moment, you’ll be stuck. “Why” is a question in the mind that keeps you from being present to your direct experience as it arises.
Ultimately, you’ll need to be aware in the moment of what is happening and let the feelings and sensations burn through without acting on them. To begin, you might take some time in the evening and reflect back on your day to see when you got triggered, what thoughts and sensations were running in you, and if sensations are still there, welcome them.
Repeating the story in your mind will keep the whole system intact. But let the story go, pay attention only to the physical sensations, and you’ll start to get some space from all of this. There’s a lot on this site in the archives about dealing with feelings that might help you.
A couple of other points: treat yourself very well during this time. Make sure you take some quiet time for yourself every day, take walks in nature, and really notice when you feel love, joy, enthusiasm, happiness, and peace. This balances out your experience. Also, there may be hormones contributing, as you know.
The kindest thing you can do for yourself (and probably for the little one inside you) is to not resist your experience. This situation is obviously affecting many aspects of your life. And I honor you for coming here looking for answers. Keep asking questions. Be curious and open about what happens. And when the fire of anger comes, welcome it. Say hello and breathe with it. Right away your taking away its power.
Sending love and huge support…
Gail
Cath says
A good book my psychologist recommended is called ‘stop overreacting’ by Judith Siegel I’m finding it very helpful
Gail Brenner says
One more thing, Sarah. Underneath anger is often hurt, emotional pain, or sadness. See if those are there driving this anger and let these feelings come out of the shadows and be met by you.
Dynese says
Hi Gail,
I am 24 years old and finally coming to terms with the fact that I am indeed, angry. I’m sure the recent events in my life would show attributes as to why I am angry, only the problem is I was angry long before this. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years also. I just so desperately want to let all of this go, but I keep holding on and re living my anger. What would you suggest?
Gail Brenner says
Thank you so much for reaching out, Dynese. I hear your frustration and deep wish for relief from these painful emotions you’re experiencing.
The place to start is in any moment. When you become aware that you’re anger, whenever that is, stop, put your attention on your breath, and take a few deep breaths. This only takes a few seconds, but it’s the stopping of the tendency that gives you room to breathe. Then you can see the story running in your mind about how your anger feels justified and you can feel how the sensations run in your body. Just notice all of that and breathe. The anger will rev up again, but again, a million times, take a few breaths and get your sanity back.
Working with these long-standing feelings needs to be a project in your life. They have power, so you need to be committed to being with them in a new way every time you notice that they arise. Every night, reflect back on your day, have compassion for where you got lost, and envision making a different, healthier choice.
There is much support here on this site. Read through my answers to the comments on this post, as many others are struggling with the same problem. Also, go to the archives for articles about emotions, which I’ve written about a lot.
For me, the troublesome emotion was fear. For at least a year, I gave every episode of fear my time and attention to finally see that I’m not interested in the story it tells me, and I made space for the physical sensations to move through. Fear still comes sometimes, but I’m not the least bit interested in it. This is the possibility.
Brenda says
Hello, I’ve recently come to realize that the major part of my anger comes from when my significant other and my children don’t do what I want them to do, and not being able to do what I want to do, and subsequently feeling a loss of sense of control. I’ve been searching and have yet to come across any good info out there that delves into this aspect beyond the notion you don’t have any control over anything, which I believe to be true but need to figure out how to let that go. Can you direct me to any good articles on this?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Brenda,
Yes, it’s true that you don’t have control over the behavior of your partner and children, and I understand that just knowing that isn’t enough. This anger is a conditioned pattern that probably spikes quickly. So you need to slow things down so you can stop the outburst, eventually, before it happens. Changing this involves stopping and feeling the feelings rather than acting on them. And the motivation has to be strong to make this shift.
When you stop, breathe, and let the sensations move through you, rather than lashing out, you’re setting yourself up for radical transformation. It helps to understand the why of this pattern, but there is no substitute for the in-the-moment making of a wise choice that is in line with what you really want. And that choice is to stop and breathe rather than do what’s been done a million times before – saying things you probably wish you didn’t.
If you look at the archives here, there is a lot of information on emotions and how to work with them so they’re not in charge. I hope you find this helpful, and I wish you the best in living the truth that your heart is speaking to you.
vmm says
What does one mean to meet anger with love? This has to be more detailed or a deeper explanation…
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for pointing this out, VMM. I’ll go into this a little deeper here. I’ve also written extensively on the intelligent way to meet emotions which you can find in the archives of this site. This post might be especially useful.
Anger, or any emotion, is a set of physical sensations with a story attached. If this constellation of experiences goes unexamined, it will drive you. You’re not fully conscious of the details of the experience of anger, so it’s in control. You’ll feel urges to behave in a given way (yell or lash out) and you act on them before you know it. This is what happens when the experience of anger isn’t fully conscious.
Meeting anger with love means seeing it clearly and accepting what arises. You see the story of what the anger is telling you – a story that runs in your mind often with intensity, but you know these are just thoughts, they don’t serve, and you choose not to act on them. And you become aware of the physical sensations in your body. Not feeding the story with your attention, you bring your attention to the body and simply let the physical sensations be. They will come, maybe intensify, change, and go. It doesn’t matter. You are the welcoming presence that allows them to be.
This is how anger begins to lose its power – in fact you’re taking its power away. Anger, and any emotion, thrives on unconsciousness. But when we’re fully present to what we’re experiencing, it’s seen so clearly that you can make a choice not to let it rule. You are being loving and accepting with your own experience of anger. You stop fighting with yourself, so the damaging aspects of anger don’t transpire.
This way of being with anger completely transforms your relationship to it. I hope you find that helpful…
Larry says
I am really struggling with #8. I know my life and family are crumbling because of my unresolved anger. I don’t really know what it is or who it is aimed at. But I take it out on my wife. How do I explore unresolved anger? It sounds simple, but it is near impossible for me. My therapist tells me I need to do it as well, but I still am not getting there.
Gail Brenner says
I appreciate your frustration, Larry. You might want to start with your in-the-moment experience of anger, which means realizing when you’re angry and taking steps to deal with it on the spot. Click here for an article I wrote on another site that might give you some guidelines as to how to proceed. And here is another one.
It takes getting clear about what you really want and slowing things down enough in the moment so you can stop the momentum of the anger and be connected with what is most important to you in the moment.
There might be things that you’re holding onto from your past that are fueling the anger, and this you can address with your therapist. But ultimately your work is to make the intelligent shift that you really want in the moment so anger begins to lose its grip on you. You have to really, really want peace and not buy into what the anger tells you about blaming others or injustice or deserving to be angry. These are sneaky ways the anger has of keeping you held hostage by it. Be really done with it and use the strength of the anger in a way that serves you and your relationships.
Please let me know how it goes.
Sending love and support your way….
charme says
Gail, could I have permission to use some of your ten points in a sermon I will give this month. I will of course give attribution, and can include your website in our worship order.
Gail Brenner says
Sure, you are more than welcome to. I’m glad to hear this article may be helping even more people. Sending love…
Ulysses says
Hi, I just found this as I looked around trying to find advice to help me deal with my anger.
In truth, none of this helped. Not only is it all stuff I’ve known for years and have had repeated to me time and time again–and each time it gets more and more annoying–but some if it simply doesn’t apply to me.
What advice would you give to someone who has struggled with anger their whole life, and has fallen into depression because of it? I get so incredibly mad at so many things. Even tiny little things like hearing people chew food is enough to make me explode into violent fury. And I really do mean violent. I’ve attacked people, hit many things, broken and tore down doors, broken sinks, shattered a mirror, broke two windows, etc.
As you can see, my anger issues have really been an incredible pain to deal with. Of course, nothing makes me angrier than recognizing how bad it all is because of my issues.
Now, the main problem with my issue is that part of me doesn’t want to change. Part of me loves being violent and hurting others. And it doesn’t help that I honestly don’t care about who I hurt, but I do realize I should. I am fighting my very nature. My instincts tell me to unleash that anger and give in to my primitive desires, but I recognize the consequences. I don’t want tk give in. The last thing I want is to go to jail, or die.
But it’s gotten so bad that I feel like deah might be the only way to escape it all. I’ve talked to so many people. So many “professionals”. I am desperate. So, so very desperate. I tried psychologists, but after finding out that I’m apparently a, “psychopath”–which I honestly doubt, I’ve done my homework on ASPD–I’m afraid that if I say too much, I’ll get locked up.
I realize this might seem so weird for you. Some random guy comes in and desperately cries for help on a public page, then admits he probably should be put in a mental hospital.
Or perhaps not. Perhaps this is common for you, all things considered.
Gail Brenner says
I think you’ve defined the problem, Ulysses, which is that part of you doesn’t want to change. This anger has obviously been a tendency in you for a long time, so if you’re going to work on it, you’ll need to pull out all the stops and really want relief. And I’m hearing that you do want relief. So that means you need to learn how to deal with this part of you that wants the anger to continue. Maybe you can begin to have a conversation with that urge – what does it like about hurting others? What does that part of you really want? And know that the other part of the conversation is your rational self that sounds like your heart is open at least a little bit.
Behavior change is hard. We get into well worn patterns and it takes a lot of willingness and conscious awareness for them to change. We need to be vigilant moment by moment to notice the urge, take a breath, and make a conscious choice about what you really want in that moment. You might think of it like an addiction. To shed an addiction takes this kind of intense presence.
Given your history, I’m also wondering about your physiology. This is not “you,” but something about the brain and body chemistry of the body you are in. Maybe there is a medication that can help, and that means speaking with a competent psychiatrist who can prescribe it. I don’t often suggest medication, but I thought of it because you have such a clear history of anger and violence.
Ultimately, there’s no magic answer. It’s a matter of doing the work moment by moment to be free of this prison. I suspect you’ll encounter issues around enjoying control and I also wonder what feelings lie unexplored underneath the anger. The anger you describe is such a huge attractor of your attention. What other feelings (more tender ones) might be hanging around in the shadows?
I appreciate your being open and forthright, and I truly wish you well. Right now, I’m holding you in my heart and wishing for you relief from the pain you so desperately want.
Ulysses says
I messed up, doc. I messed up bad.
I’ve done a lot of bad things. I guess I’m a bad man. The police is already involved. Maybe they should take me away.
I hurt people that care about me. I lost their trust. One of them has forgiven me, but some of them think I’d be better off dead.
Maybe they’re right. Maybe I would be better off dead. But that’s not an option anymore.
I’m turning this around, doc. You were right, there is no magic answer. I gotta work hard to fix this.
I may be a bad man, I may be a monster inside, but I’m still human. And the beautiful thing about humans is that we have the power to change ourselves.
Hell, even if I’m a lost cause, I’m gonna do everything I can to make sure others don’t make the same mistakes I made. Even if I can’t fix myself, I can still change lives for the better.
I just need to tighten these chains. Gotta keep the monster in his cage. Make sure he stays in the basement.
I’ve seen enough talent go to waste, and I’m gonna do everything I can to save others.
I’m done being selfish.
I’m not destined to be a king, but rather to make kings.
I will never go down in the history books, but maybe I can help others be immortalized so.
I’ll still try to fix myself, but I know I’m not the center of the universe. I’ll never be cured. I just gotta cope with this and make what’s best of it.
I’ll be an example to others. I can show them what not to do and make sure they don’t go down my path.
I’ll gladly sit here in Hell so others can climb up off my shoulders.
Gail Brenner says
There is true surrender in being of service to others, Ulysses. But you are not apart from them. As you support others’ healing, you are also healing yourself. May that be your path…
richard says
your totally missing the point about anger most problems
with todays society is aggressive people who are
intrusive and don’t hold a anger problem but incite people
with anger thus causing anger, so the real problem of
today is a aggressive generation of people who attack
and don’t realise what there doing to others because
there so deluded to think clearly because there aggressive.
Gail Brenner says
This may be true, Richard, but we can’t do anything about those aggressive and intrusive people. And there are tons of deluded ones out there. The only thing we have control over is our own reactions, not other people.
It all depends on what you want. I know some people like anger and feel justified in it. This article is geared toward those trying to find their way out of anger to realize peace.
Sofia says
Someone asked you what it meant to respond to anger with love and you started talking about how we unconsciously lash out or react. Then you said that if we just feel the physical sensations of anger and not continue to tell the story we can make anger stop controlling us. Does that mean that if we continuously try to not repeat the story in our heads then eventually we will unconsciously be able to let go of that anger?
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for your question, Sofia. When we look carefully, we see that the experience of anger consists of a story about what happened (“He shouldn’t have done that!”) and physical sensations. If we keep repeating the story, the anger is reinforced, and you’ll feel stuck in it.
So the answer to your question is yes, if you shift your attention away from the story and make space for the physical sensations to be present without wanting them to be different, your experience of anger will probably soften quite a bit over time.
I wouldn’t say that this happens unconsciously. We need to learn how to work with our emotions so they don’t overpower us. So letting the story go and welcoming the sensations is intelligent, right action that brings about peace.
Trying not to repeat the story is probably easier said than done. So let’s look at the story. Know that repeating it will keep you stuck in it. Stories of anger divide us from one another (just look at the world!) and bring unhappiness to our lives.
When you’re stuck in an angry story, see what other options might be available – have empathy for the person you’re angry at because what they did was out of their sadness and confusion, stop and determine what you really want for that moment, stop and breathe. The story is in our minds, it comes from our mental process. So when we stop and breathe and feel the body, we’re stepping out of the tunnel vision of the story and opening to a more spacious way of being that is aligned with ease and peace.
Tanner says
Hi, Gail
I need help. My friend is really mad a me for something I did to him(on accident) and won’t forgive me. We got into a shoving match and I almost hurt him. I am still mad about this, and it happened about four weeks ago. We haven’ spoken since, and I want to restore our friendship. I have anger problems. HELP.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Tanner,
You can’t control your friend’s behavior – but the thing that you can control is your own. If you have anger problems, begin working on them by recognizing what triggers you and keeping your attention on breathing with your internal experience, especially the physical sensations, rather than lashing out. And if you do lash out, apologize.
If your friend won’t talk to you, text or write to him with a sincere apology, owning the fact that you have problems with anger, and telling him that you’re working on these problems. Tell him how much you appreciate his friendship. But know that you can’t control his response. Just do your best and hold an open space for him to return in his own time.
Danae says
My husband and I recently separated. We have been together almost 10 years. I asked him to leave many times prior to now. However, the final straw was another botched holiday when he mispercieved my tone and response to a small situation. He became very angry and threatened to kill himself in front of our 6 year old. I wouldn’t let it go. After all, we were making their lives miserable. Away from him we are all peaceful. …including him. Just before he left I offered him an opportunity to stay home for a month and purposefully work together on our marriage. Instead he declined. It hurt, I bawled and starved. I made it. Now he is all about working it out from a distance. Fine. But I am so angry about soma NY perceived injustices and all of the struggles I face. Not enough money to pay things. Sure he helps, but he also takes. Promises to pay for something and doesn’t. We are nothing but angry with each other. I ask him how things will ever get better if we don’t seek help or communicate. Am I better off forgetting my anger and allowing these things to happen. Just to mend our marriage. I don’t know how to talk to him even when he’s around since I am still so hurt. Any suggestions?
Gail Brenner says
There are so many layers to this situation, Danae. I would suggest that you seek the help of a counselor. First, it would help you process through some of your feelings and get clear on what you want. Then, if you decide to move forward to mend the marriage, you can see a counselor together. You won’t be able to just forget your anger and hurt. These feelings need to be honored and fully experienced.
Be very clear about what you want from a partner and parent to your children. Your children are vulnerable with all the stress they’ve seen. Threatening to kill himself in front of your 6 year old? This behavior is likely to be very damaging to your child. Protect the children above all else.
Bruna says
Hi Gail,
Great page and It has made me thinking, can we that suffer this terrible anger can really be cured?
I am 32 now and I came to realised that I have anger about my partner after find out some thing and I came to realised he wasn’t that man! however he is now trying all he can possibly can to gain my trust again and love! It wasn’t a massive mistake but I just can’t be happy anymore and at same time I think I am suffering depressing as I feel I have no close friends since I moved so far away and had my first child, we now separate but he insist to still seeing each other and that I just need to work on my anger and negativity towards him!
I have realised about my anger and that i have a lot to change, but i also realised i am not fully happy with him and i feel he don’t respect me as I wd wish and he don’t give the attention I wd like from a partner and a friend after all! he has always been so selfisih and while I was pregnant I was lonely it was the worse time for me, but i kept busy and i work till the day my daughter was induced she born healthy and she is a smile girl and I want her to be super positive and happy!
However I am not sure it is a anger or I just can’t accept I love him and always think he isn’t trustworthy and I would have a very lonely old day by his side and I just can’t seems to move on and make him to move on also!
I am so confuse and desperate to change that and be able to have a better and happy life with or without him.
can you tell me what type of therapist would help me or if you can advice me anyway please?
Thanks for all in advance. Bruna
Gail Brenner says
It sounds like you need to get clear on what you want, Bruna. And since there is a child involved, her needs must take priority. What I’m hearing in what you wrote is that you think this man is not the right partner for you – even though he has started coming around to gain your trust.
I do encourage you to go to a therapist, as this situation is about more than anger. Have a phone conversation with a couple of people and go with the one who feels best to you. Look inside and listen for the wisdom to guide you through.
Ignacio says
I was born in anger. My parents fighting, I was raised with their fighting, and fighting with them. This first solution I find to any problem is “Can I wipe it off the face of the Earth?”, and it is really affecting me and my relations. I have a lot of anger inside, and the smallest thing can set me off (and of course I remember every little wrong that has been inflicted on me and get even angrier). Even though I try control myself it is very hard. I don’t lash out physically, but sometimes when I get angry with someone for unimportant things I do or say stupid things I then regret.
I am scared I might sometime snap, and I don’t know what to do. I do martial arts to unload a bit, I will start going to the gym, I go to counseling, but is it not enough, not fast enough.
What do I do?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Ignacio,
I want to honor you for all the work you are doing to try to move through this anger and find peace. You have fully acknowledged the problem, and you are taking steps to find some relief. This is the kind of action that will get results.
You are afraid you might snap, but you’re saying that you haven’t lashed out physically. Trust that up until now, you have been able to apply tools when you’re angry that somehow keep you from being physical. And because you are so interested in finding peace with this, I’m certain you will continue to use these tools so the anger gets more and more under control.
In addition to counseling, martial arts, and going to the gym, you might try also balancing the anger with a lifestyle that is loving and enjoyable. Do things you love and appreciate being around supportive, friendly people. Focus on gratitude for relationships and situations that are working well in your life. When you feel loving – toward a person, pet, or even yourself – feel that love completely. Then once this love and gratitude are familiar to you, begin to bring them to mind and apply them when you’re feeling angry.
My guess is that there is a terrified and hurt sense of a little boy in you. This is what underlies the anger. Ground yourself in the wisest part of you and bring love, support, and acceptance to this young one. Let him know that you’ll take care of him so he doesn’t need to lash out.
I respect you for working so hard to alleviate this problem. May you find the peace that you’re looking for.
Ignacio says
Yes, you are right. I will try to do that. Thank you
elvis says
Well, I am 22 years old, and the past two days I have been feeling angry. I do not know why. I am trying to express why and find possible causes, but while expressing it, I feel like jumping out of my own skin.
I think it helped just feeling it as oppose to avoiding, because it not going to just go away.
Going back to the article, I think I am a little hurt that I was rejected by this girl last week. I already mourned over that. I think, I feel like I have a sense of being very important and am entitled to a relationship, because I am a “good catch.”
However, this is frustrating, because as a christian I am trying my best to stay pure and find one women with my values. So, it feels rare when I find one I am attracted too.
I am challenging my beliefs that it is rare to find, I just need to be patient.
I feel like I want more in my life.
Again, I do feel better, feeling my emotions. Maybe I will start doing push ups, when my urge comes back.
Anyways, thanks for the post I found it informative.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Elvis,
It sounds like it was helpful to you to write this comment. Sometimes expressing the anger, acknowledging it, and not running from it, as you say, are just what is needed. Glad you liked this post.
Sian says
I don’t feel angry more rage. I reported a sexual abuse that was sadly high profile, so I didn’t just have to deal with rehashing the abuse in front a court but the random vile comments from thousands on online keyboard warriors. The case was won by the state then she appealed and they lost. They used a witness who contributed to the abuse 31 years back by not protecting me on the institution I was in, then testified on different dates I was in there causing enough reasonable doubt to get her off. Then she actually made money telling her sooky story on how badly it effected her being charged. I’m way past angry. It’s ruined my entire life and now my kids lives. I cannot move forward knowing this woman profited from what she did to me. Reading your article I know behind my anger is deep injustice and hurt. However this isn’t helping me lose any any anger, any ideas?
Gail Brenner says
I don’t think the goal is to lose your anger, Sian. If it goes away, great, but it’s here now, so your job is to learn how to deal with it. When you say, “I cannot move forward knowing this woman profited from what she did to me,” then your anger is sure to stay stuck. I get that your rageful because she profited from your situation. But if you say “I cannot move forward,” then you won’t. So I invite you to re-consider what is most important to you. Is it keeping that anger alive or is it your own peace and happiness?
Once you want peace more than anything, then you bring your attention to the moments in your life when the anger is in control. And in the beginning, maybe it is all moments, but that is OK. Begin to take breaths rather than go into the story in your mind. Focus intently on the things that bring you joy. Create a lifestyle of self-care for yourself. This is the change in orientation that brings moments of relief to you.
If you wear your rage and live it every day, it breeds more rage. But when you try, even in little ways, to short circuit it, you’re on the road to freedom.
Sian says
I shall try focusing on the breaths and things I enjoy. It’s hard to remember what that is, this issue took over my life a bit for months and took my health too so I trying to regain that also. For a few weeks I had no joy and was shutting myself off from outside world. I’m pushing through that more so now and trying to really get my life back a bit. Thank you for your advice. I think I was so naive to have ever reported this once she was charged people said I would be fine at court, just tell the truth. Stupidly I trusted telling the truth meant justice and it doesn’t.
Gail Brenner says
It’s true that life isn’t always fair, Sian. It’s just the way it is. So the peace we’re looking for can only come from within. Not to sound too pessimistic, but in the end, we can’t rely on the outside world for our happiness or to agree with our beliefs. But the good news is that the one thing we can control is where we place our attention, and we can choose not to feed the stories that trigger us.
Love to you on your journey…
Jillian says
Have you thought about eventually joining a group to help people who went through what you did, like a support group or political action group? Many people turn their anger into action, so that fewer people will have to suffer like you did. Sometimes anger can drive people to make the world a better place. Just a thought.
Maggie says
I disagree with so much that’s written about anger. I’m angry, deeply angry at someone right now, and usually when I feel this way (not often), it’s not fear masquerading as anger, it’s anger that I cover up by saying I’m hurt or fearful — I allow the soft, yielding, one-down emotions, but don’t acknowledge that I’m just plain mad.
Well, now I’m mad, and it feels fine. If I read one more time that I should write a letter to this friend, say why I’m furious and then rip it up or burn it because that’s the healthy way to “release it” and get back to safe, nice, and not-angry, I’m gonna blow a gasket.
Anger can be liberating, it can be righteous — it can be right.
Believe me, I don’t go through life flying my pissed-off flag, but why the rush to dismantle and cloak and dismiss genuine, heartfelt anger? Anger happens. Sometimes you just have to let it be what it is.
Gail Brenner says
You bring up some important points about anger, Maggie. And I agree that sometimes when you feel angry it’s just how things are in that moment. It’s not an experience to fix or change.
The question is: is the person okay with the anger? Is it causing trouble in relationships, is it affecting one’s health, is it something the person feels they can’t control, so the anger haunts them? There are many situations where people feel regret and shame after an episode of anger, and this is where tools and insight about the anger are helpful. And yes, writing a letter and burning it is a tool that might help.
The goal here is not to suppress or even transmute anger, but to be real with all of what’s happening. And you’ve said that for you, in this situation, it feels just right to be angry. Anger has an alive energy to it that is bold, powerful, and even fearless, and it sounds like you’re appreciating that right now. Sometimes it’s perfectly okay to say, “This is not okay!”
Maggie says
Thanks, Gail, I appreciated this. I agree, anger in this case has been a kick in the pants — it feels good and strong, and enabled me to end a friendship of 20 years that had become deceitful and unhealthy. This guy was a great pal, and maybe we’ll be friends again one day. But not on the previous terms. I’m feeling peaceful about my decision.
Kuhle Ngxenge says
When I was in my early years of being a teenager my father abused my mother physically and emotionally as well.
I also suffered the abuse when my mother left me with my elder sister to look for a job in another province. My sister also left me and lived with her boyfriend, I was left alone with my father who also abused me.
Few years later I went to stay with my mother and I met this guy, who used to be so nice to me and loves me very much.
But he changed because I have become a bossy person who doesn’t want to listen to other people but wants to nr listened to.
I no longer respect him and I also beat him whenever he does anything that makes me angry.
We never reach a common understanding about certain things.
I’m afraid of being like my father, I don’t want to be a cruel mother and wife one day. I can’t even take a joke, I always snap whenever someone teases or jokes with me.
I desperately need help.
Gail Brenner says
No wonder you are angry, Kuhle. You have had to tolerate so much in your life. The effects pile up and it sounds like your anger is leaking out without your being able to control it.
I really appreciate your insight that you need help. And what I think is that you can benefit from more help than I can give you in a few sentences here. You are holding onto layers of anger and hurt that need some time and loving attention to move through. I encourage you to find a counselor in your local area to talk through what has happened so you can find a way to come to peace.
I have seen over and over the resilience of the human spirit. When these feelings overtake you, go inside, find your strength and courage, breathe into your heart, and be conscious about what you really want for that moment. Little by little, moment by moment, you can begin to turn things around so the anger doesn’t define you so much.
There is much information on this site that can help you, and you need to be willing to put it into action in the unfolding moments of your life. So take a look around. And if at all possible, find a counselor, teacher, or trusted friend or relative to talk to so you can move on with your healing process.
In loving support to you…
Kuhle Ngxenge says
Thanks, I’ll try and get a counsiler at my school.
And u am willing to do whatever it takes to change my life for the best.
♡
Gail Brenner says
That’s a wonderful attitude, Kuhle. I wish you well…
jessie says
these few words you wrote…”be curious about your anger” are so helpful, thanks for doing the work and helping others along the way.
“
Gail Brenner says
Hi Jessie,
Being curious is so powerful because you’re no longer embroiled in the anger. You get to know how it works to it doesn’t have to control you.
Julia says
Hi Gail,
I’m really trying to come to terms with my anger at the minute.
I’m in a relationship with a guy and he’s great, he tries very hard to be understanding and is the best man I know. Unfortunately he is currently working abroad (to return in a few months now). I’ve had a difficult past with relationships both romantic, platonic and with my parents. Subsequently I’m incredibly paranoid with my current relationships and am susceptible to anxiety and have a prevalent fear of rejection. I’ve suffered with anxiety and anxiety related illnesses for a long time, and recently I’ve been getting really angry as a way of pushing this away. After episodes of irrational anger and anxiety I become very self deprecating.
I think because my current boyfriend helped me through a lot I hold him accountable for my own mental wellbeing now. If he’s too busy to spend time on me (he often is) I feel personally attacked and vulnerable. I convince myself easily that he doesn’t love me anymore and I’m a niusance. I catastrophise small things so that they seem to indicate bigger; much more serious things.
My instinctive reaction to feelings of vulnerability is anger and aggression. I find myself able to make convincing arguments amalgamating different things to prove to him that he’s done something much more serious, even though in reality I reckon I’m trying to justify my anger to myself. I worry a lot about the fact that I’m being manipulative and dramatic. I want to be a good partner and have a healthy relationship. It’s extremely exhausting to maintain this dynamic but I don’t know how to deal with my feelings of anger and learn to let go of things that are detrimental to our relationship if agonised over.
I know it’s me that needs to change, and allow him breathe. I don’t want him to be tip toeing around me as I had to with my father for a long time.
I’ve spoken to him about these issues and we make plans to change, but in practice it’s extremely difficult when I’m unhappy with myself to allow him to go and be happy without me abroad.
How can I change this? I’m terrified of pushing him away.
Thank you!
Julia
Gail Brenner says
Hi Julia,
There is so much information on this site that addresses exactly your question: what to do with limiting beliefs and emotions that seem out of control. Just about every post includes action steps. See which ones resonate and begin implementing them into your daily life. You have to really, really want to heal – and not just want it but put your heart and soul into the process. You must be willing to let go of drama and bring your attention inside to simply be with what is here. Your mind is pulling you this way and that way. Don’t follow those beliefs. Take a breath, slow down, look inside, and see what is really important to you. There are also many guided meditations here that may be helpful.
You have a beautiful journey ahead of you. May it be fruitful…
Sending love…
Carz says
Hi Gail,
I have im 31 years old. Lately I have been very aggressive in my gengral behaviour. It has been getting a lot worse in the past few months i have been taking it out on my partner, and saying really terrible things towards him for minor reasons things im to ashamed to write, I dont mean them why and where are these things coming from and after i feel terrible but i dont even realize how bad it really is until, i do somthing worse and it rock bottom. I know how bad this is but I keep making the same mistakes. I have been to see people for before but i go maybe once or twice and i dont go back. I find it really hard to talk and feel like they dont understand me. It has always been there but in the last few years and the last 6 months its become a joke with my friends its just cara going off and being crazy, when i have drunk the past few times i have abused some of my friends and said things i dont really mean or care about making dramas why iam i doing this I need to hear it straghit up. How do i stick to getting help and being honest i dont know where to start
Gail Brenner says
I can’t give you a “how to” on this one, Carz. You have to want peace – really want it so much that you don’t let those resistances and justifications control you. You have to feel into the pain in yourself and in the challenges you bring to others. You get to choose – how do you want to be in this life? What are your values? What is important to you? Be super honest with yourself. These are the essential questions.
Alex says
This is quite an interesting article. What got my attention most is “I”s. Am I right? Am I correct? Am I important in this story? My situation is long, complicated and I am really tired to explain it, especially after this rage outbreak. And if I can be honest, I’ve come to conclusion that Yes, my anger is justified and Yes, I am right. Do I feel free? Most likely not. Problem is, whenever I wasn’t angry I wasn’t free either. Suffice it to say that my family is not what a family should be, but I am in no position to leave them. In the past 3-4 hours I broke down for simplest of reasons, I’ve asked them to wash my cloth and they haven’t done it. Still, that was only the catalyst for the real problem my family has. Problem that my family has is not with me, it’s with others and I am just an escape goat. But when a man, like me, who takes it all in and tries to patch a boat full of holes, when he explodes, you know that situation is dire. I probably should have backed off. I probably should have done something myself. But tell me, why should I be the one to extend my hand so far if my family can’t do simplest of things?
Gail Brenner says
You don’t need to extend your hand, Alex, unless you feel moved to. It all depends on what you want.
I do know from my own experience, as the saying goes, what we resist persists. You are resisting the way your family is and your anger persists. Can they do the simplest of things? Apparently, not. That’s how they are.
This is your choice – resist how they are or try to change them, which in my experience leads to suffering – or accept the reality of the situation, which is the road to peace.
I wish you well…
Kathryn Strong says
I’m intrigued by the commentary here. I spend so much time asking whether my partner,s anger is justified. I know he’s sad and unhappy right now, he’s told me. He is a stay at home dad, out of choice I believe. He was a very accomplished teacher who almost burned out. He has always been moody, but now he gets angry frequently over small stuff , and it’s usually about stuff that I have/haven’t done. Like not putting something in the right place, not chopping mushrooms as he asked.. He says he knows it seems like small stuff, but he’s already at 9/10 anger because of how I am. This makes me feel forgetful and nervous, plus after a high pressure day at work I usually am tired. If I say sorry he is annoyed. If I comment he shouldn’t get cross he’s annoyed. Then he says I never give him attention anyway and obviously don’t love him. In the past I have told him I do and tried to get close, but by then he’s on the downward spiral. If i do give him love/hug he says it’s only cos he made a fuss… and if I don’t it’s because I don’t care enough for him and his needs… generally. I feel pushed away scared, upset and sad myself. If I tell him that he says I’m just doing that to deflect the fact thAt he is cross with me. Should I accept responsibility. In even finding it hard to make decisions as I’m worried about choosing the wrong thing. What scares me most is I have started to see him act like this with the kids (4 and 6). I have no idea how to help him, but want to. I really think he is unreasonable at times, sometimes he speaks to me like my enemy, I don’t think I’ve ever done that to him.. When I said that he says he can’t be nice to me when he is cross. How do we move on without him being more angry and me being either submissive or emotionally distant?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Kathryn,
It sounds to me like your partner’s chronic anger is wearing on your groundedness within yourself and your self-confidence. Depression in men sometimes shows up as anger like you describe, so I’m wondering if your partner is depressed.
But he is not taking any responsibility for his anger. He is blaming you for things that are not your fault. Repeat: this is not your fault. Don’t listen to these complaints, and rather go inside to find the strength and resilience you know is inside you and live there.
I can’t tell you how to move on because this situation needs to be dealt with directly, and now your children are being affected. My best advice is to seek out help from a professional – a physician, personal counselor, or couples counselor. This needs to be done not only for your personal well being but for the well being of your innocent children who need to be protected.
Julie says
Dear Gail –
First, I am amazed and impressed that you are still following up on posts that began in 2015. To me, it says a lot about your caring and commitment to this work.
My story: I grew up with an alcoholic, rageaholic, perfectionist mother who had rules for everything. Rules that changed depending on her frame of mind. I learned how to be hyper-vigilant and grew up being afraid of “getting in trouble” constantly.
I grew up swearing I would never be like her, and that I would find a way to live with “the truth of love in my heart”. (Whatever that means…) I found alcohol and other substances in late-adolescence to numb and medicate all the fear and pain of that family situation.
Fast forward to now almost 56 years old. I have spent now about 40 years in varying states of active addiction / self-medication which often only served to fuel my frustration and anger. I went through rehab about nine months ago, and now spend a lot of time working a program of recovery through AA.
Despite my early intentions, I have turned into my mother in the realm of the rageaholic. It can be tiny things that start the wheel turning. I have drilled down enough to know that at the root of the anger is always fear.
I rarely get angry with other people. I do get viciously angry with myself. The fear arises, the nugget of “not good enough” gets planted, I get frustrated with my reaction to this, I get angry that I cannot control the rising anger, and the next thing I know I am stomping around, slamming doors, screaming curse words, throwing things, etc. etc. My partner and the dogs mostly find someplace to hide and sort of cower. I end up feeling like a real a***hole, then I get sad, depressed, cry and feel like I will never be a decent person; I am a failure now, in fact. It is an old, entrenched story.
Okay, so how do I step into these situations and head this all off with awareness? It all seems to spiral out of control so fast, and I typically don’t feel conscious of what is happening until it is already deep in the cycle.
If I can find that moment to stop and explore, I am still not clear on precisely what I am to be doing or how to go about it. When you say to welcome the fear or the anger, I don’t really get what that means.
I whole-heartedly believe in what you are teaching here and thank you in advance for any insight.
Julie
Gail Brenner says
Hi Julie,
Good for you for wanting to take control of your addiction. I wish you well with that path. There is a teacher, Scott Kiloby, with a perspective similar to mine who specializes in addictions. You may want to check him out by clicking here.
The place to start is when you “wake up” and realize that you’re in a rage. This is your golden moment to stop, breathe, and immediately your attention shifts away from all the emotion and stories and back to the present moment. Do this every time you become aware you’re in this pattern. It will take some time, but if you are diligent, you will become aware earlier and earlier in the pattern.
You have to orient every aspect of your being toward this healing and you have to want it 1000%. Ground yourself in that every morning and night and many times throughout the day. Read passages throughout the day that remind and inspire you. Meditate. Follow love, happiness, and well being in your life. And take responsibility for the effects of the rages on others. Feel your own pain and theirs as well – not to wallow in shame, but to inspire you to heal this pattern.
Welcoming fear or anger means not indulging it or avoiding it. You breathe, take a few moments to just be, then you are the welcoming available space for the physical sensations of the emotion. Don’t give your attention to the thoughts of any story that runs in your mind. Instead, just be a wide-open space for the sensations in your body to be. This is how to be with emotions so the eventually don’t overpower you. There are many articles about this on this site. Archives
I hear your sincerity and willingness. May that continue…
Nathan says
Hi Gail, I’m glad I book marked your site. I’ve come back to it now after seeing it on my tags. I am 36yrs of age and I have trouble with identifying and explaining my emotions. Anger, betrayal and abandonment are what come to mind. I was born in England and at the age of eight my parents divorced. The last memory I have of them together is not pleasant. My father moved to Canada to be with step mother and left us all, I have two sisters and one brother. My mothers anger towards my father was taken out on us, some physical and some mental. If we told a lie we were punished, in turn if we told the truth and she didn’t like it, we were punished. To make a long story short, I was trained to lie and be deceitful. I made the choice to move to Canada with my father, and step family at 13yrs old. What a mistake. The “step family” was awful. All I wanted to do was be with my father, not realizing how much I would miss my brothers and sisters. They’re the only ones who truly know how I feel because they feel the same. Now at 36, I feel lost. I am married now and have been with my wife for 13yrs. We have separated once and are close to it again. She is always honest, outspoken, and remembers everything. I wish I had her strength. She had a brutal upbringing herself and has done a lot of healing. Now she wants the same from me. She feels she has to protect herself from my destructive behaviour. I “think” I’m being controlled and manipulated but can’t explain to her or myself how. I always feel I’m being attacked even though she only speaks the truth. When we argue about something I just get angry, defensive, and eventually shut down. This will be the demise of my marriage and I don’t want that. I think that I have trust issues, even with my brutally honest wife. I do a lot of things right. I work hard, am kind to people even when they’ve wronged or mistreated me, I put others feelings before mine. What can I do to stop this whirlwind of emotional termoil when I can’t make sense of what’s going on in my head. My work schedule doesn’t permit time to seek council and having A.D.D I feel is inhibiting a lot of my mental capacity to figure it out for myself. Do you have any other sites or suggestions for me. Thank you for your time and your insite.
Gail Brenner says
There is no magic answer for you, Nathan. You need to commit to a path of healing and make it a full priority in your life. It takes time and attention. You are fortunate to be with a partner who is also on that path, so potentially you can support each other.
It sounds like there is a very sensitive place in you – probably there from when you were young – that gets easily hurt. This may be why you so easily feel attacked. So your work is to get to know that place in you very well – the pain it feels, what it needs from you, how you can take care of it. When you learn to work within yourself with this sensitive place, it begins to not be the driving force in you. You recognize when it is triggered, you soothe it with love and acceptance, then you’re free to relate from clarity and openness.
You have a lot of insight into what the problem is. What is needed is your fire for learning a better way to deal with these feelings. You get to decide what you really, really want and when you do, devote your whole being to it.
Kelly says
How do I get past anger towards my neighbor? I live in a peaceful neighborhood, but 10 months ago a family moved in behind me with barking dogs and a screaming kid. Long story short, talked to them (was told dogs bark, kids scream) and they have been fined for the barking dogs. Now, even when it’s quiet – I can’t get past the anger I feel for my quiet life being disrupted. When I hear the dogs bark my stomach gets in knots. This is causing me a lot of gastrointestinal problems. I don’t want to move. How do I move forward? I feel violated in my own home. Any help would be appreciated.
Gail Brenner says
This is a challenging situation, Kelly. People have been known to move in situations like this one.
It sounds like, practically speaking, everything is being done to encourage your neighbors to change. Have you considered getting together with other neighbors and visiting them?
So now the ball is in your court. One idea is to reframe the sounds of the dogs barking and children screaming. Think of them like music or indications of excitement rather than triggering you to feel violated. Also, take good care of yourself, which means focusing on yourself. Take walks in nature, and see if you can enjoy the quiet when it’s here.
There’s a story running in your mind that’s saying this shouldn’t be happening. Notice the story, and see the truth, which is this is happening. There is a lot of suffering here – not only yours, but probably everyone in that family. See if you can open your heart with compassion for their suffering and wish them well.
No easy answers here – just a few ideas to try out….
Kelly says
Thank you very much for taking the time to reply. We actually did go to their house with two other neighbors. I do like the idea about trying to reframe the sounds. You are also right that I have been focusing on this situation and not myself. And you are also right that my resistance is attached to the fact that I really can’t believe this is happening. Again, thank you for your compassion to my problem.
James says
Hi Gail! First I want to say thank you for this article, and taking your time to reply to everyone’s messages. First I want to say everyday I try to better myself as a person, and not be a hypocrite, but I have too much anger inside towards myself, ( not being good enough ) and others, I feel like I’m going to snap! Im a 25 year old male. When I was growing up I was sexually, and mentally abused by my stepfather. The mental abuse I think was way worst then the sexual abuse. Everyday being scared of my stepfather coming home to scream at me I was fat useless piece of shit, etc, anything you can imagine he said. Scream in my face for having a spoon in my chocolate milk. I remember my first real real ship at 19. It was very toxic we both screamed at one another saying the most nastiest things. Until one day I was speaking to my aunt, and she told me it wasn’t normal to call someone a F### piece of shit for no reason, then it clicked in my head. How sad that I thought that was a normal relationship, when its NOT!!! I been in other relationship, but I can not control my anger towards them. So I backed off on dating, bc I don’t think its fair to do me or the other person. Also I see I don’t have a lot of friends, bc I push people away fast, and Im nasty to them at times. Im a nice person, but I can’t control my attitude. I was born with a learning disability. So its hard for me to do the normal schooling as other people. How is it my fault I was born with a LD and will never to amount to nothin! I tell myself this everyday, even knowing its not health, but Im so angry I have to take it out on someone. I HATE my job. I work with very rich people who have so much money, buying 10g bags when their are starving kids in this world, I want to scream!! How is that fair???
When I get mad at someone I really do think to myself will I do what they just did to me to someone els, and most of the time its no, its rude!!! That gets my blood boiling where I almost loose it. I am also not speaking to my mother we have a bad relationship she really does try but I hate her, and find myself fighting with her over anything. I told her what happened to me a couple of years ago about being molested (which she hasn’t been with him for many years now). I thought it will help my anger, but no. I treat her how my stepfather treated both of us, and I don’t want to be that person so I stay away from her. I know this is a lot all thrown together, but I really don’t know what to do anymore. Im going to see a therapist soon, but still I am trying too better myself, but it is not working! Maybe I pity myself to my much to fix it? Anyway thanks again for taking ur time out to read this 🙂
Gail Brenner says
My heart goes out to you, James. Your anger is very understandable.
I appreciate that you want so much to better yourself, and I am glad you are going to a therapist for support with that. It can help a lot to have an ally in this process, someone who listens and understands and can offer you tools to deal with the anger and feelings of unworthiness. When you really want to heal and you’re willing to put all of yourself into that journey, wonderful results are possible.
Everything you describe here is a thick layer of suffering and unfortunate circumstances that covers over who you really are. See if you can begin to peek into the “you” before any of this happened. That “you” is pure, innocent, and naturally kind. Even knowing this place in you just a little can be helpful. It’s in there, I promise you.
Sending heartfelt love and support to you…
James says
Thank you so much for the reply! Just from your kind words had me in tears. I started my first session with my therapist, and I already feel relieved just to have someone to talk too, and listen too me. I hope in time I could be the person “who” I’m truly am!
Gail Brenner says
You already are who you truly are, James. That is what has always been here to be uncovered. The layers are already starting to shed, and YOU are being revealed in your splendor, the part of you that has never been touched by anything that happened.
So happy for your journey….
Rae says
I am 32 years old. I am married with 4 children. I am angry all the time and when I’m not angry I’m depressed because I cannot stop my unwarranted anger. I don’t have a perfect marriage but I do have a great husband who I’m lucky to have, but even knowing that everything he does annoys or upsets me. I know I have pushed him away with my anger and that just makes me angry!!!
I have the hardest time in the morning. It’s like I wake up furious regardless of how I felt at bedtime.
After an angry outburst I hide alone in my bathroom and begin hating myself for every moment of my rage. I berate myself for saying mean things or for being ridiculously upset over such insignificant problems, things that aren’t really problems. Even when I try my very very hardest to be pleasant, the anger is still there. I don’t even know why. I have a great life, everything I need. A wonderful spouse great children. What’s wrong with me?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Rae,
I don’t know why this anger is so prominent in you, but I do know that it is a layer over who you really are. This is not your essence to be angry and divisive. If you want to get through it, you need to make this anger a project that you’re working on. There is much on this post and my site in general that can help. Take the tools that resonate and put them into practice – every day and several times a day. You are the one who needs to do the work.
And please don’t hesitate to seek professional counseling. Maybe there is something buried from your past that is driving this. A counselor can help you put it in perspective so that the anger doesn’t drive you so much. An anger management program may also be helpful.
Wishing you well…
Joanne says
I am angry all the time. People annoy me on a daily basis. I can’t even control myself. I have always had an anger problem (I grew up with a rage-aholic father and constant screaming by both parents in the household). But in the last few years my rage is totally out of control. I cannot tell you how many strangers in stores and other public places and customer services reps on the phone I have screamed at, swore at and went absolutely nuts on. I truly cannot stand most people. Now of course I have a problem but I do not know why I do this and it is so hard to stop. I have tried therapy throughout the years for other things and I am no longer a fan of therapy. I beleive that maybe all the bullshit and hurt of my past and present is the cause of my anger?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Joanne,
It is certainly possible that something about your early life has affected the way you perceive things – and your reaction of anger. It sounds like you had no role models for ways of being other than anger and dissension. And with two angry parents, I am guessing that you didn’t have the emotional support you needed as a child. This can have far-reaching effects.
It helps tremendously to have support to untangle the pain from the past, so, not knowing why you’ve given up on therapy, I do want to suggest that you see a counselor. Find someone who you trust in the first phone call and session, and move on until you find the right person for you.
I feel for your suffering, and I know there is a way out. It takes stopping in the moment, getting in touch with what you really want, and making a conscious choice that supports your well being. With a well-worn pattern like you’re describing, it usually takes time to become aware enough to make that choice. But that is the path, and it is one that leads to peace.
Sending love and support to you…
Vero says
I need to know how to let my anger out to be happy im always accusing my partner of stuff i really dont know if its true or not i assume stuff i really love him but i was in a 19 year relationship and all of that time i was cheated and played and used for sex and money so know i think any guy want me for that i hate been like this i love my boyfriend but i think i lost him i pushed him away
Gail Brenner says
I’m not sure the solution is to let your anger out, Vero. It’s more a matter of how to be with it when it arises in you. What kind of relationship do you have to this anger?
To form a healthy relationship with anger, it takes inner work and attention. You acknowledge the anger when it’s present. Just take a breath and say, “Hello Anger.” Then keep breathing with the energy of it. You might feel all kinds of urges to say and do things, but instead, just stay present breathing with the energy of the anger in your body. When get some practice handling it in this way, you find that you are more clear. You can see what’s true right now rather than acting on old ideas about your past. When you’re more aware, you have the space to choose to be kind and loving.
David says
I can barely accept any of that arguments.
For my example I used my anger for profit.
I think that anger is one of the most important emotion I have, It’s like a power that can unbind you from your physical psychical limitations. That is if you learn to control it. Kinda 2 fact about anger you wrote, but there is more to it. What people do wrong isn’t feeling anger it is inability to control it. And that is true answer for 5 fact, because losing control means losing part of sanity for anger. 7 fact applies to fools to be honest. And for the last one, I don’t think it traps us, even if it might look like it. Everybody can be angry but only weak ones will lose to anger. For me It’s the most true and amazing emotion, but not everyone can use it.
Gail Brenner says
You sound like an expert in anger, David! Your views are most welcome here.
Geoff Mckenzie says
OH David ,you Obviously have never been a partner to one who suffers from BPD. This condition i am quite convinced has been bought on by extreme childhood abuse which she had no control over.
My Beautiful wife has no idea on the extremes of anger .
Because the wall she was forced to build to protect herself from this abuse as a child, it is extremely difficult to break through it . It is like demolishing the great wall of China brick by brick , i only hope i survive the relationship long enough to see the other side
Abby says
My fiance really hurt me this past year. We’ve been together for 6 years. There have been great times, and bad times. You know, the normal woes of life. Things were a little rocky last year, and instead of us working them out, he resorted to talking to an ex that has tried quite a few times to ruin us in the past. He never told me about any of this. I found out about it, and he continued to lie to my face for 2 weeks, until I finally found out more, and he had to come clean. He apologized and seemed very remorseful. I was hurt and angry. It was a rough time trying to get past what had happened. Especially because I never thought in a million years that this man that I love more than anything, and who I know loves me just the same, would deceive me like this. Then almost a year after me initially finding out that they had been in contact, I found out that he lent her a pretty large sum of money. I couldn’t believe that after ALL we had just been through, and him continuously promising me that I knew everything and that he wasn’t doing anything, that he had been contacting her again. He claims that he was trying to get the money he lent her back. How am I supposed to know if that’s true or not? After literally lying to me for an entire year, how am I not supposed to be angry? How do you let that go? It’s been really hard for me to trust him, because so much information was withheld from me for such a long time. The only reason I found out anything, was because he was caught. He would have never told me otherwise. And that hurts. Of course I’m worried something is still going on. So now fear comes into play as well. Sorry this is so long. My question is, how do you deal with trust issues, hurt, fear and anger all at the same time? This article is great, but if I let the anger go, I still feel hurt. And if the hurt and anger are gone, I still feel fear. I just want to feel good again, like I used to!! I was never really an “angry” person. Thank you for your time.
Gail Brenner says
I think the issue here is trust more than anger, Abby. He has shown you more than once that he is not loyal and trustworthy. You get to decide: is this what you want? Does he have the character that will make you feel safe in an intimate relationship for the rest of your life? Love is wonderful and necessary. But it’s not the only factor in wisely considering the right partner.
bladeknight says
thanks for your advises . they are sure useful
keep it up !!
Noor says
I am usually a kindhearted person. I took on a contractual agreement with a person that seemed decent to live with as my flatmate. She was pretty fragile as she was new in to the country, so I have been nicer to her than I normally would be. Then she started breaking all kinds of agreements (which were contractually written or spoken) during the most stressful period of my life (last uni year, final exams). After that just stepped away from her and did not talk to her (so I would not express anger because I think it is useless) a whole month waiting till she is moving out. During this months my overly filled list with tasks had to deal with more nerve-wrecking tasks as finding a decent flatmate/ making sure I don’t trust anyone that easily again, and on top of that she completely left all the cleaning in the house work to me. Even this, I accepted it and moved on. Then, when I let her know I have a new flatmate, she tries another manipulative NPD move to basically cause me and the new flatmate trouble by trying to pass on the mess she has created to us (her own contractual obligations) while she did not even know him! At that moment, I completely snapped and told her exactly what she is, what she did and how selfish and manipulative it was. I did this because this move of hers really showed how she really thought she could take advantage of me or use me for her personal gain. I felt so much better after I expressed that (piled up but ready to take out after the lost bit that I could take) anger, although it did come with a raised voice, quite aggressive and even some swearing. After the big fight back and forth, she became silent and I saw that she felt guilty and started to have more self-reflection. However, I wonder why and how I can stay keep in anger, act like nothing is going on but subconsciously building it up and when it accumulates I finally show it in a super aggressive way which would not be the kind me. I never swear or raise my voice until that happens which is once in one or some years (very rarely). I find it strange.
Gail Brenner says
The key is to be aware, Noor. Somehow that anger got suppressed then came out. In a certain way, it’s not a problem. Even kind people get angry some times.
Brandon says
Hi Gail, my name is Brandon Collins ill just get to the point here I have this anger inside me raging like a thunder storm the kind of energy it possess is like an atomic bomb and nuclear explosion I was tortured as a kid suffered from child abuse, had my parents beating me up, locking me inside darkrooms whenever they wanted to punish me, every object was used on me it carried on till age of maturity and everyone I’ve spoken to tells me to forgive and forget, its easy for me to forgive its just impossible to forget I’ve been treated bad by my dads family and mothers family they all once kicked me out and used to blame everything on me however some I gather I deserved but no kid is to live as I did now everyday is like literal hell for me except I feel like the devil I want vengeances so bad inside me I feel like an apocalypse battlefield I know you may not garner my sympathy and the only way you could understand and see what I am saying is by me giving you access to my thought literally but I can’t all I can say is I have this darkness inside me raging with anger carrying all this hate for what has been done to me and I seek vengeances so bad but what good is a broken soul that cannot be fixed but can move on… Everywhere I go pain follows me.
Gail Brenner says
I hear your roar, Brandon, and it’s a roar that needs space to be. There’s an intelligence here in what you say that knows this rage but isn’t completely consumed by it.
I want to refer you to the work of Robert Masters. He is a master at knowing how to guide men through their anger, even as extreme as you describe. He wrote a book called To Be a Man, and offers retreats for men. I know him personally and have no hesitation referring you to him. http://robertmasters.com/
In love and support…
Kellie Miller says
At the moment I’m a stay at home mom and it seems like.. especially lately..I’m angry all the time, I’ve been angry since I was a teenager but I wasn’t abused or molested or anything but I wouldn’t call my childhood a happy one there were allot of family problems, parents divorce, dead beat dad, never got along with my sister in fact I still don’t. There’s allot in my past that could attribute but it’s getting out of control now. I’m angry all the time. I could be standing at the sink doing dishes and think about stuff that just infuriates me, things from my past things that happened a week ago it doesn’t really matter but I’m losing control of it and it’s started affecting my personal relationships. I’ve tried counseling and medication, meditating, writing, I’ve recently quit smoking so I don’t have that as “stress relief” anymore. I feel like I’ve done it all and still come up empty handed. I don’t want my son to think of me as “angry mom” for the rest of his life..i don’t want to lose the people I’m close to because I’m always mad but I’m afraid that’s where I’m headed because when the ones you love say they can’t deal with you unless your on some kind of medication, there’s an obvious problem. And yes the meds were helping but I don’t want to be on pills the rest of my life, I WANT to learn how to deal with it on my own. I’ve been completly unsuccessful so far. I think I have a Handel on it and someone says something that sets me off. I’m so mad all the time that when my roommates come home from work I’m mad at them, for no reason!! I think I’m fine and they walk through the door and I’m instantly angry…i don’t even know what that’s about..but I know it needs to stop. I just don’t know how to make all this anger inside of me go away.
Gail Brenner says
I know you want the anger to go away, Kellie, but a better approach is to accept that it comes and learn how to deal with it when it does. When you’re in an angry reaction, try to slow it down. Notice the sensations you feel in your body and breathe with them – don’t try to change them, just let them be and breathe. Feel the urge to lash out, which will come quite strongly, but just feel it without acting on it. Then get in touch with what you really want to say or do in that moment. Not what your anger tells you, but what the wisest part of you really wants.
You need to slow the whole process down in the moment – which may take some time, but it’s possible – so you can begin to untangle the reaction and have some space for your true desires to be expressed.
Sending love and support…
Nancy says
I am so happy I found this article and blog. I am not normally an angry person, but I have been out of control here lately on a regular bases, thinking it is someone else that is the cause. They might be the trigger but not the cause. I’ve got come work to do.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Nancy,
So glad for this insight. You can’t change others, but you can form a new relationship to this anger so it’s not in control. Wishing you well on your journey…
John says
Thank you for explaining this in a loving and compassionate way. I now own it… I just never knew where to look within myself and why i was feeling the way i do. Your blog has opened my eyes more than anything i have read anywhere. Without judgement and accusation and only focusing on the core issues in a very positive way. No one wants to be known as an abuser or a bad person. It is hard to look at yourself and know you are broken, It is very shameful. I will be going for concealing to better myself even more taking the tools you have given me. I may finely find peace within myself. I even ordered your book “The End of Self Help”. It seemed very valid. Thank You so very much.
John says
counseling not concealing…. lol
Gail Brenner says
I’m so happy for these insights, John, and for the opening into compassion for yourself and a deeper understanding of anger. Whatever reaction we have, whatever has happened, there is always a way to peace. May your journey bring you wholeness, forgiveness, and release.
With love…
John says
: )
Sev says
If you cannot learn to use anger for strength, you are weak. It’s simple. It exists for a reason. It helps us survive and grow. My time in the military has shown this to be true.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for this comment, Sev, from your experience. I completely agree. Anger has a power to it that is supportive and functional. But read through the comments on this post, and you’ll find many people who don’t use anger for strength. For them, it is out of control and wreaks havoc on their relationships and well being. They’re suffering greatly because of it. If this is the case, new tools and insights are needed.
Leana j says
I have a long storry with anger that is leading to hater
Hater of every and anything
Even my self
Ive been too good to many people and most important to my family and sacrificed alot especially to
My mother
My sisters
But no one appreciated any thing i gave
And still give and sacrificed more untill last year when i realised how selfish they are
And from here every bad thing happened to me from my childhood untill the moment raised up to my mind surface
Ive been through child abuse at my school
Ive suffered with my stepmother
No one was there for me
No one adviced me
No one tried to talk to me
Not on my teenage or as i was growing up
And i admitthat i did bad things very bad things that i regret but did coz i wanted revenge but sadly what i realized that i had revenge from my self
Now im 39 years old
Im scared of myself with all the anger im going through
Its destroying my life
I feel that this anger makes me strong
And if i forget all the stories that happened to me every one will use my kindness against me agian
I dont want to be nice anymore coz this will make me weak
I must not forget what they did to me coz if i do they will hurt me again
So i remember if they come near me or try to talk to me about anything i will remember the stories so i dont fall again sweet me with good hearted me
I want to stay bad
But im sad
Coz this is not me
This is a different person that i dont know
Im struggling
Should i forget and forgive
Or should i stay angree
Im tired of thinking all the time and getting all the bad stories running in my head like a non stop recording
I wish if i can erase my memory
Why did all these bad things happened to me not to one of my sisters
Why cant i be cold feelings like they are
Why cant i be selfish thinking of my life an self only
Please please help me
Gail Brenner says
Hi Leanna,
Thank you for sharing here. I’m sorry to hear how difficult things have been for you. And I hear that you really want to heal.
When you go through some of these things you describe, you begin to lose trust in yourself. And it is a process to regain that trust and begin to feel more positively connected with yourself. Counseling is a great help and support for situations like you’re describing. So I want to recommend that you find a counselor in your local area and start addressing some of these problems.
You don’t need to sit with this alone and swirl in all this pain. A counselor will walk through it with you so you can find peace.
Wishing you well on your journey… With love…
Leana j says
First thanks for you respond and for feeling sorry for what im going through but sadly i cant afford talking to a specialist
This is why im trying to find help online by reading how to help controlling my anger and reading some other people stories that maybe to know im not alone suffering
And thanks anyway
I know im a strong person and i will go throw this
Gail Brenner says
I hear you, Leana. So the place to start that I can offer you is to begin to be very kind to yourself. Try not to criticize yourself for feeling the way you do. Instead, be very loving to whatever arises in your experience by accepting it deeply. Start to make friends with anger. Once you can get some space from it, say “Hello Anger.” Let the sensations in your body be there and move through however they want to. And while this is happening, take deep conscious breaths.
When you go into the story of anger, that only reinforces it. When you’re with your direct experience of it, you begin to form a new relationship with the anger that honors it but eventually takes away its power.
The key is not to solve all the problems from the past, but to find your way out of suffering in every moment.
Wishing you well….
Jake says
I hate my family. They are manipulative and poison to my happiness. The problem is that i work with them. Its a family husmess where everyone is miserable and they take it out on eachother. I dont want to lose my job. Im 25 and only half way through college. I can get past the anger for the most part but i cant take it anymore.
How do they put up with each other without going crazy the way i am?9
Gail Brenner says
Oh, Jake, some people love the dance, even if it is a damaging one. The way I see it, you have two choices – stay and come to peace within yourself or move on. This is how you stay empowered and not made into a victim of the situation.
Maybe you can stay through college, then leave the business. Discriminate between what you can and cannot change. If there’s a lot you cannot change, and you can’t take it anymore, maybe it’s time to seriously consider your options. Even if it’s crazy, right now you’re making a choice to stay.
pb says
I am 40 and grew up with a very verbally abusive dad, still to this day, he thinks he owns me and my family. I have so much hate and anger that others have told me I’m just like him, that makes me madder. I hate myself and I want to change, I scare my kids sometimes because my anger is out of control hollering at everyone. I want it to stop now, therapy had never worked for me, I need relief, I’m hurting myself (not physically) but inside, my heart, my organ, my body aches, I just want help. PB
Gail Brenner says
I appreciate your willingness to reach out here, PB. I think you haven’t gotten the best therapy for you, as I hear that you are willing to work on these problems. The best person I know for addressing men and anger is Robert Masters, Ph.D. http://www.RobertMasters.com His book, To Be a Man, is excellent, and I’m familiar with his workshops where you will meet people with similar experiences. Another possibility is to work with a local therapist experienced in men and trauma.
The learning for you is first to have a safe way to express this anger that is eating you up, then to learn how to work with it within so it doesn’t feel so out of control. This is a process that will take some time. But once you’re on the right track for healing, you’ll begin to experience relief. I deeply appreciate that you keep searching for the answers that will help you.
Tony says
I’m just wondering. What to do as a male who is experiencing some of the problems you outlined above. I have a child with a lady who I generally believe is a good mother. Unfortunately we don’t sleep together as she often kicks me out of bed because I snore. Added to this, I do most of the cooking and cleaning. Although she spends a lot of time with our son, my partner does very little for the family as a whole. She rarely, if ever, makes meals and if I come home from work there is usually never a meal made. On the other hand I constantly am making meals for the family. Added to that, my partner is often uncontactable during the day even though she doesn’t work. We have childcare which I pay for but she still seems too busy to make meals, clean or earn an income. Perhaps I sound angry and indeed I am however I’m seriously considering becoming a single Dad. I’ve told her we need counselling and also that I’m happier looking after my son without her. Perhaps you have some suggestions?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Tony,
You are discovering that you can’t change other people. You are offering invitations for your partner to work with you on these issues, but as you’re describing it, she hasn’t been willing to do more around the house.
I think counseling is a great idea. I would love to see you try everything before ending the relationship, as it’s almost always better to raise a child in a two-parent household. And you are saying that she is a good mother, so this is a good starting point.
Many relationships can improve with the help of counseling that provides a way to learn communication skills and develop greater intimacy. You’ll discover how you can each become a safe anchor for each other rather than a source of stress.
I love hearing how important it is to you to be a good dad and take care of your household. I hope you and your partner can find a way to come together more – especially for the sake of your son.
Tami Scheuer says
I am a 52 yo woman with anger issues. I am angry bc my husbands business went downhill and he didn’t share it with me. He sat on the couch for a year without communicating with me. It has changed my whole reality about my life, love, and career. We have an adopted 10 yo daughter. I find it difficult doing the things she wants me to do. I do what is necessary and I do things with her but I never feel like I enough. I don’t know what to do. I’ve done everything I know to do. I take a mild anti depressant. I find it difficult to exercise because I’m so “down” all the time. Please help me. I have never felt this devastated and it won’t seem to pass regardless of how hard I work at it.
Gail Brenner says
The best way I know how to deal with these things, Tami, is taking each moment and making the best conscious loving decision you can. When I say “loving,” I mean including all involved which means also yourself. Let the cloud of depression and devastation fall to the side and connect with the life force within yourself right now. Then go forward one small step, then another…
Regarding your daughter, see if you can see her freshly in the moment without any judgment or angst in the way. Do what feels right from your heart and let that be enough.
Start exercising, even 10 minutes of walking a day. Push through the feelings and just do it.
Depression often masks emotions, Find a way to be real with your anger at your husband. It sounds like you feel betrayed. Maybe start by seeing a counselor so you can defuse some of the anger in a safe place.
maryann says
Hello, I have just searched online for help with anger and felt comforted by what you write.
I am a stay at home mum of4, have a good, hardworking husband but get angry with him and other people I love. I can tell when the anger is coming on and have tried to walk away from the situation to allow myself time to calm down and return in a better mood…however it doesn’t seem to work. I return calm and then get immediately fired up when we try to talk things through. Often it starts with him not letting me know things and I don’t seem to like it if plans change and he doesn’t let me know. This is the latest example: we were camping this weekend (which we all love) along with our very best friends. All was well. My friend suggested that she and I go and get some food and return with if for lunch. Then we would all go for a cycle ride together. we left for food around 12.30 so obviously didn’t plan to be long as it was already lunchtime. we were back one hour lator with the lunch, however our husbands and all the children had disappeared from camp with their bikes. I instantly felt cross that they were not there and that I did not know where they had gone or when they would be back. I rang and texted to find out but there was no reply. we waited…my friend by the way was not feeling at all stressed…she was relaxed and enjoying the extra time of peace and suggested we enjoy the moment and carry on with lunch ourselves, which we did. I was trying to be good company but inside I could feel my anger and worry (about my children on bikes, they are all under 8 and not all very steady). they finally rode up to the camp at 4.15pm. Id resolved that I would not say anything because I knew it would come out cross and horrid. however my youngest daughter was crying and covered in cuts-had fallen off her bike. everyone else was happy, obviously having had a nice time. Then I just started off, saying I didn’t find it funny that he had disappeared not saying where they had gone. that they knew we were bringing back lunch so why did they arrive home at nearer dinner time and why had they gone on a cycle ride when we had all planned to go on one after lunch?! my husband tells me its no big deal, my friend said she had been enjoying herself anyway and I felt truly upset that I was the only one who felt the day had been ruined. so I drove off to calm myself down – spent 3hours walking and sitting on the beach and felt really happy and relaxed, just embarrassed to return to camp because I had made a fool of myself and ruined the fact that the children had all enjoyed quality time with their dads and that my friend obviously felt I hadn’t enjoyed the time with her. I returned to camp to make it better, however as soon as I saw my husband I couldn’t stop arguing about it and trying to get my point across. I ended up saying I was going to go home, this upset all the children and 3 decided to come with me. My friend said I was making it ‘all about me’ and I went home. now my husband is left there to put the tent down and pack up without me. it started off as a small thing but as you can see I tried to control it and couldn’t, but just ended up making it bigger and bigger and ruining the entire weekend trip. fallen out with my best friend, ruined my childrens fun, hate myself but left feeling that if my husband really loved me he would know what would trigger my worry and left a note to say where he was and when they would be back. if Id had the strength to keep my mouth shut when they all cycled back to camp we would all still be there now enjoying ourselves, id still have a friend and we would look back on the weekend with happy memories. instead my anger about something I didn’t like turned into a whole weekend that no one likes. help me!!! am I a control freak?????
Gail Brenner says
Hi Maryann,
I think you are way more clear about the path out of this problem than you think you are. You had two opposing forces going on inside. One was that you wanted everyone to have a good time and you wanted to keep your relationships harmonious. The other wanted things to go according to your plan without flexibility and was ready for a fight. In this situation, you chose the fighting inflexible side.
Living a sane and openhearted life is really not that complicated. To make it happen, we slow things down and bring conscious awareness to our experience. When we let conditioned patterns fly without taking responsibility for them, things are messy as you know. But in any moment, you have the opportunity to ask yourself, “What do I really want in this situation? What is most important to me?”
Take some time to reflect on what your true values are in life. I hear them loud and clear in your comment: friendship, good mothering, harmony, consideration of others, happy family life, and I’m sure there are others. Let these values be your guiding light. Rise up to them because somewhere, in your heart of hearts, you know that this is how you were meant to be. Deal with the troubled part of you – the part that gets scared when things change, the part that wants to be right, and any early experiences that contributed to these. Be compassionate with yourself when these arise. But always return to what is most true, what is most important and live there. Then you’ll be able to look at yourself in the mirror, and you’ll like what you see.
Maryann says
Thank you so much for your reply, this is the first time I have spoken to anyone honestly about my problem, and your response made me cry. I do so strongly value the things you describe. Please could I ask, how do I ‘ deal with the troubled part of me – the part that gets scared when things change, the part that wants to be right, and any early experiences that contributed to these’. Why am I so inflexible? I am an organised person and want everyone to be as orderly as me, I hate it when people don’t keep to their word, ie about what time they will arrive etc… I grew up in a household where my mum did not communicate, which was frustrating – but her husband, my dad, was a violent alcoholic, so she had presumably given up on attempting communication because she would never know what might put him in a rage…I do specifically remember when I was very young deciding that I would never let anyone push me around emotionally like my dad did with my mum..but now this seems to have made me the person that I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of….and conflicts with what I truly believe to be the best way for a family to be happy.
Tami Scheuer says
Thank you for the reply. I’m moving forward and can see some improvement. I somehow am able to exercise again even though there are days it feels like the biggest chore ever. The anger is better. I just really feel like it’s a mountain in front of me that refuses to budge. I do pretty good with the anger and depression for a while. I’ll float around feeling somewhat normal then BAM it’s back. It feels like someone slams the back of my head and totally knocks me down a tunnel of despair, fear resentment, and anger. My mind tells me it will eventually leave me completely if I keep trekking forward but I’m so scared that I will always have these set backs. I know life comes with some let downs but this type of depression is overwhelming. Thank you again for for replying. I hear what you’re saying and will implement it into my journey. Anything further is truly appreciated.
Gail Brenner says
Maybe reframe these experiences not as setbacks but as opportunities. Each time strong feelings come, get curious about them rather than wallowing in them. See how telling the story makes the feelings hang around longer. Study your experience. Be interested in it so you can figure out how to be free.
Anji says
Hi Gail,
I so badly want to be able to deal with things in a better/different way. I am a super caring person who loves wiht all her heart, yet, when I’m angry, I become a monster. It is usually in my relationship that I’m angry. My partner/bf does alot for me, he really does care. He has never done anything to ruin our relationship, yet little things upset me. I can never keep anything inside, so i always communicate it out. I don’t instantly get angry, it escalates. It starts when I feel sad/upset/irritated over something little, then I say it. When my bf responds with love, or a genuine apology, or when he agrees with me, I feel better same time, and I return to being the most cheerful soul around. It’s when he disagrees or stands his ground that I start getting annoyed. I don;t stop arguing until he would agree to apologise. And when that doesn’t happen, I scream my lungs out. I even start hitting myself (like my thighs if im sitting), and I’ve even bit his hand once and hit him too (not injury etc but out of anger I did slap his hand hard). I do not want that. I hate screaming so loud, swearing and turning into a crazy monster.
I need help. PLEASE.
Gail Brenner says
It may help you to work with a counselor, Anji, because this anger is interfering with the intimacy in your relationship. In the end, there’s no magic to it. You recognize when the anger starts escalating, you take breaths and commit to riding it out without reacting. You get to choose what you really want in the moment. There may be underlying reasons why you are so reactive, and these are things you can work through with a therapist so they start to lose their grip on you.
I appreciate how difficult these situations are for you and hear that you would like to do the work so you feel more in control. I totally support you in that.
Tami Scheuer says
Thanks again for the response. I will definitely look at the individual episodes I’m having and access them. I will try to figure out where they’re coming from and what I can do to turn them around. Are you saying I should refrain from discussing the situations? I can understand that. Are you saying it is hurtful to continue to talk about it? If so, I can change that. I appreciate all of your advice. I take it to heart and go straight to work. Any advice is always welcome.
Gail Brenner says
Tami, I can’t comment on whether or not you should refrain from discussing situations. I recommend doing your inner work first, then see what’s left that needs to be discussed.
Tami Scheuer says
TY, again. I’m putting your advice to work and its working !!!!
Gail Brenner says
Very good to hear, Tami!
Gabriele says
I have been in a long term relationship with my partner when I got sick 5 years ago. He was patiently by my side in the darkest times, just there. Much has happened since then, I lost my father, my brother turned away and my best friend disappeared all within six months of my recovery.
I went back to school and focused on a healthier life. Now I’m finding myself in the midst of anxiety and rage. My partner talks about getting healthy but doesn’t follow through. I am working hard on staying healthy. I feel tremendous rage towards him because he reminds me so much of my father. And I know that the feelings I feel are created by me but triggered by him. He does not change the way that these triggers disappear. Nor should I expect that.I feel lost because every time I feel this rage I get so angry and hurt him emotionally. And it almost kills me from the inside.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Gabriele,
It sounds like you need to look within to resolve whatever is left about your experiences with your father that you are still carrying around. Go to counseling to work on letting go of your past so you can live fully now. In any moment, see your partner with fresh eyes. Consciously decide not to see him through the lens of your experiences with your father.
Decide how you want your relationship with him to be, and make conscious choices that manifest that. You might feel rage, and that is fine, but that doesn’t mean you have to express it outwardly. Feel it, breathe with it, honor the power of it, but consciously choose your behavior.
Zane says
I don’t know why but I het mad at the smallest stuff but sometimes I get so mad that I can’t think straight and I forget a lot and my head gets very sore inside and I like black out for I couple of seconds now and then I don’t know why because I’m just 14 years old and everyone hates me when I get mad i don’t know hoe to handle the anger is don’t know what to do and why I am responding to my anger like that.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Zane,
Thanks so much for writing in. I’m so sorry for the pain you are in at such a young age. But I love your spirit that wants to find a way through this. I want to suggest that you see a counselor – either at school or someone in your community. You might start by telling your parents you want to see a counselor or just go to the school counselor and tell them you want help handling your anger.
This is something you probably won’t be able to figure out on your own, so I really encourage you to seek out professional help. I hope your parents will help you make this happen. In the meantime, I want to encourage you to start a practice of deep breathing. Here’s how: you take a slow, deep, conscious inhale, then a slow exhale. Do this a lot as it calms your nervous system, especially when you’re angry or you know you’re going to be in a situation that makes you angry. It’s simple, but a very effective tool.
I really appreciate that you’re seeking help, and I want to support you to find the right help. Please let me know how things go.
kim says
I liked this article very much – I suggest picking and choosing the items that speak directly to you even if its only one or two items. Some items spoke to the anger in my circumstances and brought clarity and an interesting perspective to consider. Other items – not so much -just were not relevant in my anger issues -but they could be for others. The reason why I am suggesting this is because some of the items really helped me but others irritated me – but nothing says you have to embrace all of them – just the ones that make sense for you. A very thoughtful piece – I actually learned something new!!!!
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for weighing in, Kim. I completely agree – choose what works and let the rest go.
Jeff says
Thanks for the article, I’ve been dealing with some stress in my marriage and the frustrations in our arguments lead me to anger and then I let go of my verbal restraints. I remain calm in the beginning, but her escalations in anger/frustrations always end up triggering me. We are on day 5 now of an issue and it never gets past me asking what I can do to help her feel better (about this situation…too much detail to get into). She can’t/won’t answer, and I get she may not know, but then she circles around and starts over with the same rant. She’ll end up crying and I’m too pissed to care and the hurt/frustration I feel keeps me from trying to mend it at that point. We both walk away unresolved and hurt. She thinks because I’m not crying that I’m not hurt, and I’ve explained that when I get angry it’s because I’m not crying (it’s near impossible for me to cry in front of anyone, and when I do cry it’s just a few tears leaking out and I stop it). I can’t get her to come to marriage counseling, I’ve been asking for a few months now.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Jeff,
I hear you trying really hard. Maybe try empathizing with her feelings, as in: You must feel really hurt right now, or I see you’re feeling sad. What does that feel like to you? or I know you’re really angry right now. I hear you. It’s hard to feel angry (or sad).
Also, even though you may not feel like it, do lots of little things that show her you care.
Most people want to be heard and validated, so maybe this will help. I hope she agrees to go to marriage counseling with you. Would she agree to read a book with you? Anything by John Gottman would be good as well as “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson.
Melanie says
Something has to be wrong with me. Feeling this way can’t be right. I don’t know why I get so angry, defensive, or aggressive ALL the time. I don’t know why I always feel like I must immediately put my guard up like I am being attacked.
I feel like I have to stand my ground and prove myself and protect my work. I feel like I am always being questioned. “She’s all talk” MY BIGGEST NIGHTMARE. Do they think I am stupid? Do they think I am weak?
I feel like my head is pulsing with anger and it is just flooding my brain and I have to release it some way.
I don’t know why my thoughts are negative or I assume the worst in EVERY SINGLE situation. That can’t be normal. I don’t want to be like this. Like someone who is a terrible, angry, aggressive, defensive person.
I can’t put my point across clear and concise. I can’t have a calm argument. I always assume the worst in every single situation.
Why am I like this? Why do I cause problems?
How do I clear my head of this anger and frustration?
Gail Brenner says
I hear your anger and frustration, Melanie. I don’t know why you are like this – maybe it has something to do with your early history – the things that happened and how you were treated. That is just a guess.
Try to slow things down and look inside to see what it is that you really want in these situations. Then begin to align your actions and choices with what you want. You might react automatically, but take a second look, see things clearly, and begin to untangle this angry response. You have the capability to start making conscious choices that counteract these conditioned patterns.
I also want to suggest that you see a counselor in your local area. It will help you to work with a professional who can help you understand what’s going on and offer you helpful tools.
My very best to you….
Tami Scheuer says
My anger was killing me (literally). I knew I could not go through another winter with such anger. I realized where it came from and why but I didn’t know how to overcome it. I decided to reach out to ANYTHING and ANYBODY. I found Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer and Ester Hicks has helped me tremendously. It took participation, perseverance, and repetition from ME. I lived their advice for 3 months. I couldn’t afford a counselor so I turned to YouTube. I wrote positive affirmations on index cards and taped them around the house and in my car. I made a gratitude jar where I kept a pen and post it notes (convenient). Gratitude lifts serotonin and dopamine. I read the books, listened to the interviews and advice, listened and repeated the affirmations, talked to myself in the mirror, created a fictitious counselor and told her my problems. All of this and now I’m 90% better. Part of mine was physical (hormones) but I decided by lifting my serotonin and dopamine it just might counteract the anger and depression and it did. I still have bad times (not days) I won’t allow it to linger for fear it’ll consume me again. When I say I was angry, I mean it. There were days I laid in bed and couldn’t even brush my teeth. I tell you this so you’ll know there’s hope. You can do it !!! You efforts will go out and you will be rewarded with a better life. I saw how my anger was ripping up those I loved the most and damaging relationships (even those I wasn’t close to). Please, ya’ll, believe you can do it. Everytime you make the effort you are that much closer to a happy life. A happier you and you will be giving a gift to those you love the most.
Gail Brenner says
Thank you so much for posting this, Tami! This is the perseverance it takes because these conditioned patterns run so strongly in the body and mind. And what happened for you is absolutely possible for everyone. I want to highlight two things.
First, you lived the advice you were getting for 3 months. It doesn’t matter if it’s one month or 3 years. You have to live it. I had that same insight when I was going to a lot of retreats. One day, the lightbulb went off that told me it’s not just about going to retreats. It’s about making the teachings real in my own life. That was transformative. You have to create the conditions for things to change, then let your life change. It’s a kind of surrender – just do it!
I also love your creative idea of creating a fictitious counselor and telling her your problems. It can be a photograph of a counselor, a stuffed animal, a pillow – anything. The idea is to get it out so you don’t hold the stories inside where they fester.
I’m thrilled for your happiness and so glad you shared your process here. It is truly an inspiration of what’s possible.
Emma says
Hey thanks heaps for the hope ????
Chris Sanchez says
I GUESS I DNT EVEN KNOW WHERE MY ANGER COMES FROM….IM HOT N COLD. ONE MINUTE IM HAPPY THE VERY NEXT IM N A RAGE. ITS DESTROYED MY MARRIAGE AND FAMILY. I PRAY SO HARD EVERYDAY TO BE DELIVERED FROM THIS….. I DNT EVEN KNOW WHERE OT COMES FROM FEELS LIKE A CURSE…. I AM SO DARN DEPRESSED AND CNT SEEM TO FIND THE LIGHT IN MY LIFE.
Gail Brenner says
Thank you so much for posting here, Chris. I hear how challenging these things are for you.
I understand praying, but I don’t think it’s going to be the thing that delivers you. You have to slow things down, realize when you’re triggered, and breathe rather than react. I know that might sound impossible, but start small and give yourself a lot of slack.
Start to get curious about this rage. Rather than hating it, let it show you what it needs to calm down. You CAN make progress with this by learning to work with these feelings when they arise. It’s about the relationship you have with them. Now, you and the rage are not very friendly and it has a lot of power. Get very centered in the peace you really want, then turn to it and tell it that things are going to change. Here is an article that my help you.
I wish you the very best on this journey.
jamo says
I’m desperately searching the web for help about my anger and hatred. I’ve seen doctors and have had medication. still angry! but reading this gives me hope and the drive to keep trying, for the sake of my family, I have to succeed.
Gail Brenner says
I hear how desperate you are to make a change, Jamo. I’m glad you now have some hope. If you think private sessions with me can help, we can arrange that – just let me know.
In love and support….
Arti says
My boyfriend gets so angry at me , every time we meet and I say something he immediately gets mad , as if he doesn’t want me to open my mouth he thinks I’m childish , a complaining . His anger is momentarily and harmless to me physically but emotionally I feel confused and afraid why it happened what did I say , any idea to have peace in my relationship
Gail Brenner says
Talk to him about why he gets so angry. Try to understand him. And let him know how his anger affect you – that you feel confused, afraid, and hurt. Try to come together by sharing your feelings with each other and see how that goes.
Alanna says
I find myself getting the most angry when I feel utterly helpless. When I can’t see a resolution to my problem or I’ve been dealt a particularly harsh verbal blow from my partner, I get very angry. Yesterday, my partner called me a “dipshit” (I am 25 and he is 31), told me that the job I had was a joke… and I got so angry I dumped out all his clothes from the hamper to the floor because I really needed to do something physical. So hurt and upset, so frustrated, my anger just explodes out of me. I worry about my anger because it seems to be getting worse, especially when I drink alcohol. I recognize that I feel helpless and hurt, sad and angry at the same time, but I just get so fevered with rage that I let it manifest physically. It really disappoints me that I act like this.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Alanna,
If you get angry when you feel helpless, first recognize that anger doesn’t solve anything. You are being asked to meet this feeling of helplessness, to take care of it so it doesn’t transmute into anger. It’s vulnerable to tell the truth sometimes – “I feel helpless and I just don’t know what to do.” But sometimes that is the truest statement to make to ourselves and others.
Slow things down so you can better track your inner experiences. Once you know what is going on, then there’s the potential for new choices. Have an honest talk with yourself about what is really important to you – and start living that.
Sending love and support…
Maddy476 says
I just left a 25 year marriage. Based on what I just read, I think / know you deserve a better partner. No one should be treated like that. If you had a daughter, would you want her to stay in a toxic relationship?
Nokuthula says
I’m always angry with my mom, I don’t hate her, she’s so supportive and I’m grateful of her but there’s just this anger that is so uncontrollable. Things I say to her are so not pleasing. I don’t know why I get so angry towards her
Gail Brenner says
I don’t know either, Nokuthula. But I do know that you can meet your inner experience with love and acceptance. Slow things down, so you are able to make conscious choices about what you really want.
Cinthia says
I have a 17 year old son (my only child) and I’m having a hard time understanding him.. he is always angry … he keeps saying that he feels lonely ..he grew up an only child with me .. his fathers was in the picture but not that much.. now he is having difficulty getting to open up to teenagers or friends …please help ????
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for writing, Cinthia. It sounds like there are feelings below the surface that he’s struggling with. Maybe you can reflect back to him that this may be what is going on and help him get connected with a counselor in your local area, possibly at his school, so he has a safe place to talk. And maybe you can also see a counselor if you think that will support you. Wishing you the best…
Emily says
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 years and we’ve lived together for 3. I love him so much and I can’t imagine being with anyone else. He does so much for me and my family. My little sister just moved in with us and he does everything he can for us as do I. But, I get so angry at him and I don’t know why. Nobody can make me as angry as he can.. for example, yesterday, I picked him up from work, he got in the car and turned my music down while he had music on, on his headphones and told me to hurry up and pull away because he didn’t want his boss to try to stop him from leaving and I BLEW up because he turned my music down while he was listening to his own music on his headphones. This morning I tried to wake him up for work (he’s an extremely heavy sleeper and no matter how hard he tries, he can never wake up himself).. I accidentally spilled water on the floor, cleaned it up and after 2 minutes of trying to wake him up, I lost it again. I told him how pissed off he was making me and told him he needs to be a man and learn how to wake himself up and I told him to get his life together (even though he works almost 50 hours a week) and I called him a POS. He told me I needed to get my anger under control and told me every other day I’m happy and the next I wake up pissed and I really can’t control how I act. Once I’m mad I can’t stop and I curse at him and scream and I want to rip my hair out (not literally).
Gail Brenner says
Maybe you need to look more deeply at the sources of this anger, Emily. Slow things down so you can see how you get triggered and what feelings arise. Then take care of yourself. This problem isn’t about your boyfriend. If you don’t want to be so angry, the invitation is to learn to meet your experience in a different way.
Anonymous says
After losing all of my money (about 100k) to the stock market and then gambling and accruing 20k in debt I have reached a rock bottom in my life. Anger is so prevalent but so is depression, PTSD, anxiety all the shit that is said. Regardless, I find meditation to help me feel calm and happy for about an hour out of my days. That’s about it the rest is facing the demons that wreck my existence of greed. And failed opportunities. I am 25 so I am young in a general sense yet I feel old, I feel I missed the ticket.
Gail Brenner says
Hello Anonymous,
Every moment is fresh and offers a new opportunity. And the opportunity is to begin making choices so that your life is more aligned with what you really want. You might start by reflecting on what you really want. What are your priorities? What is most important to you? Discover these values, then keep them in the forefront of your mind as you make choices moving forward. All is not lost. Take responsibility and be conscious in the moments of your life.
Wishing you well…
Zam says
I reached this site because I too am tired of over reacting and erupting easily. My boyfriend used to carry a lot of anger soon after we met, I assume it was from his past or frustration for not being able to get his life on track. He’d say and do hurtful things. Life didn’t get easier for him, but he did change his outlook. The roles changed. I became angry from all the past pain that often surfaced. Now I have become the monster. He’s always apologising and has to pick his words extremely carefully in order to keep the peace. Says he reserves his comments most times because he knows how it’s going to end.
I hate who I’ve become. I know I am hurting him, and will cause this cycle to continue, unless I put a stop to it because he is remorseful of his past actions, and is 100% there. If he can become a better person for me, why can’t I do with that with the sane amount of ease????? I don’t want to hurt him anymore.
Gail Brenner says
Get very curious about how you are triggered, Zam. What’s needed here is for you to be able to recognize when you’re triggered, so you can take care of yourself rather than lashing out at him in anger. So slow everything down. Get to know how this anger feels in your body. And when it comes, bring your attention to it inside and breathe with the sensations until they relax. If you don’t want to hurt him anymore, then you must get conscious enough of your own inner experience so you don’t do and say hurtful things. This absolutely possible for you….
J says
Hi Gail,
I’m so angry. About 4 months ago, I found out my girlfriend was intimate with one of my best friends right before we started dating. I feel fooled and lied to. I feel I cannot trust her and I cannot be emotionally present anymore. I’m angry and my anger is blocking me from being honest. I feel confused about her feelings towards me and feel I cannot trust her when she tells me she loves me. I’m hurt and I do not want to continue dating her because of this. I thought I could get over it but I haven’t been able to. It keeps replaying in my head and it keeps coming up as we are all in the same community. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I now find myself questioning her intentions and am suspicious of her all the time. In a way, I feel cheated but I do not know how to express that to her. I am becoming more and more emotionally distant as I continue to harbour these feelings, and that is starting to cause deeper relational problems for us.
Help?
Gail Brenner says
Hello J,
I appreciate the pain you’re experiencing. My suggestion would be for you to see a counselor in your local area – either for you alone or as a couple with your girlfriend. If you both are trying to stay together, there is some repair work that needs to happen so you can come together again and trust. Every relationship has storms, and we all need to learn how to weather them. Whether this one is a deal breaker for you or not, only you can know. And maybe you don’t know the answer to this at this time.
If you don’t seek counseling together, I suspect a counselor could help you get clear about exactly what got triggered in you and how to move forward. In reading what you wrote, I have many questions, so I can’t comfortably give you any personal feedback. I hear a real desire in you to somehow come to peace, and I support that unconditionally.
Wishing you well….
Missy says
So I am always mad at my step dad and I tell my parent that I want to kills myself I don’t know why I am so angry at my step dad and he what can I do so I don’t get angry at him and I f I do he told me that me and my mom and my brothers will not live there anymore and they are just dating not married and I just angry and I say that so yeah
Gail Brenner says
Hi Missy,
I don’t know why you are angry at your step dad either. Maybe you are angry about other things in your life and you are taking it out on him. I’m guessing that you are a student, so I’m wondering if you can get some help by going to a counselor at your school.
It is very serious when you say that you think about killing yourself. You need to seek out help right away. You can go to a school counselor, tell a doctor or nurse, call a mental health counselor and ask for help, or here is the national suicide hotline – there are people there trained to help people like you.
Call 1-800-273-8255
Don’t hesitate to call this number.
If you’re feeling that badly, you need to get the help you need, so please do that, OK?
Sending love and support….
Melissa Ard says
I am now not mad at him anymore we had to fix some stuff but we are better now I am not angry at him no more and we both are happy now. Thank you very much!!!!!
Gail Brenner says
I’m so glad to hear this! Thanks for letting me know.
Brad Williams says
so im not really sure how to go about this so bear with me, ever since i was litte ive always had problems expressing how i felt including my anger, and its went from simply being angry to wanting to throw things and hurt people for small things, how can i express my anger or at least lessen it to an amount that i can deal with again
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for writing in, Brad. I understand this problem with anger. I’d like to suggest a tool called a “conscious rant” developed by Robert Masters. It’s a way to get out the energy of anger safely so it’s not sitting inside waiting to explode. Here’s the link:
I hope this helps you!
Eugene I says
Ever since I dropped out of college, my anger and sadness grew to the point where I lived each day feeling more and more hostile. My loved ones became victims of my outbursts of frustration. I believed the source of my anger was from the people who surrounded me which initiated and escalated numerous arguments.
What brought me to this article was my recent fight with my girlfriend. “I don’t know if I want to stay with a partner who always yells at me for little to no reason” replays in my head. After reading these 10 facts I finally feel like I grasped something, like i’m starting to understand where my anger is coming from and who it’s affecting. I’ve identified the source of my anger but I don’t know how to progress. How do I maintain a lifestyle that isn’t dictated by anger. I don’t want to lose this feeling I have right now. Thank you
Gail Brenner says
I’m so happy for your insight, Eugene! Keep meeting the anger you feel inside over and over with this wisdom. You need to make a decision that anger is not going to be in charge. Say hello to the anger, notice it, then don’t let it be the driving force in you. Take charge with a bigger and wiser part of you that wants peace and harmony. And do this every time anger comes – eventually it gets the message to subside.
Kenny says
I’m so tired of being angry. My wife and kids don’t want to be around me. My oldest son is afraid to bring his girlfriend around and both of my boys are showing signs of my anger in their lives. I’m ruining my family and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know what it’s like to not be angry and then I blow up every few days like a volcano. I think my family would be better off without me.
Gail Brenner says
I really encourage you to get some professional help, Kenny. There are skills you can learn and begin to practice so that your anger doesn’t get out of control and affect your relationships so strongly. Using these skills starts with the intention to not want your anger to explode the way it does. Even, and especially, in those moments of the volcano, you have to want connection more than anger. You have to stop justifying why you are right and the other is wrong. You have to start getting humble.
These changes CAN happen. I suggest finding a counselor in your local area to help you or contact me at [email protected] about private sessions.
I wish you the best on this journey toward peace and clarity.
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Jenn says
My anger killed my 30 year marriage. I cannot forgive myself. I cannot fix this. I am hurting so much and have so much remorse and shame. How do I move on from this? I want to give up but I’m not brave enough for suicide.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Jenn,
You are being asked to learn from this experience. This means looking within to understand this anger and do what’s necessary – right now and moving forward – so it doesn’t leak into more relationships. You may not be able to fix this, but you can apologize and do your best to make amends – either within toward yourself or with the people who have been affected. Learn from this experience so you can be a beacon of peace in the world for everyone around you. Then your difficulties serve yourself and others in a positive way.
Ike says
Nelson Mandela put burning tires around the necks of his opponents after he was released. That sounds plenty angry to me, and an unhealthy way to express it at that. If you really think he’s a good guy, then we aren’t on the same team.
Gail Brenner says
I didn’t know that about Mandela, Ike. Thank you for informing me. I thought this was an apt quote for the post, and including it doesn’t mean I agree with everything Mandela did. I’m not saying he’s a good or bad guy. I read his biography some years ago, and he is complex. Like all of us, he did things that aren’t admirable and are perhaps rooted in anger. I appreciate that you expressed your view here.
Sara says
A lot of times in my life I have been on the receiving end of anger from people who were triggered by someone else. It felt as if I was a scapegoat. A if I were someone it was easy to be angry with as I did not fight back but tried calming them down instead. This makes me angry inside. Do you think people lash out at me because they feel they can, or is it possible I am behaving in a way that irritates them and they cannot pinpoint it, so use other things as the excuse? If this is true what could it be. I rarely express my feelings and opinions, but when I do people often disagree with me.
Gail Brenner says
I appreciate your questions, Sara. I’m not going to be able to answer about your particular situation. But here are some thoughts. The issue is what you do when someone is angry at you. If someone treats you inappropriately, it’s healthy to set boundaries with them. There is a saying: you teach people how to treat you. I don’t know if that applies or not, but are you not taking care of yourself if someone is angry with you and you let it go on. Besides fighting back or calming them down, there is another option, which is to say something like, “I can’t let myself be treated like this” or ” This isn’t comfortable for me,” and “if you don’t change your tone of voice, I’m going to leave the room” – then do that. These responses make you not so easy to be angry with – in a good way.
And maybe there is something in you that triggers people – I appreciate your openness about that. You might explore within, or even ask someone who knows you if you’re comfortable doing that.
Sara says
Thank you for your thoughts. I was bullied as a child and the only help and advice I was given was that it was the Christian thing to do to Turn the Other Cheek and the bully would get bored and move on. Recently I read that this is an insult. By acting as if the bully is of no consequence it enrages them further. My problem is that this behaviour is ingrained, but inside I feel the anger, but have no experience in expressing it.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sara,
Just like all emotions, you meet anger with love and understanding – without reinforcing the story that perpetuates it. You turn toward it to feel the energy and sensations in your body. This lets the anger be present without acting on it. I have written about emotions a lot here on the blog. Here is one suggestion for you. What You Need to Know About Emotions
Ally says
Hi there! I don’t know what is happening to me, I never used to be like this, but I cannot control my anger anymore. I used to be very patient and peaceful but I have become the opposite, especially with my family. I can be very nice and caring with friends and colleagues, but when it comes to family, I just lose it at pretty much everything and anything they say or do. I saw this type of behavior in my ex-boyfriend (broke up a few months ago) and ager was pretty much the reason I decided “no more”. I am scared I am becoming like him. I don’t want to be like this anymore. Every time I have an anger outburst, I immediately feel guilty… so guilty I cry and feel like a monster. This is not me or the person I want to be. Any help is much appreciated. Thank you!
Gail Brenner says
I appreciate your concerns, Ally. I’m not going to be able to give you personal advice, but I invite you into two paths of exploration. One is to see if you can identify anything that has triggered this change. That might give you a better understanding of what’s happening.
The other path is to bring awareness, then skills and tools, to your experience of anger. This involves taking deep breaths, thinking about situations beforehand and how you’re going to handle them, and staying in touch with the values that are important to you. There is much on this site that will help with painful recurring emotions. You can take a look here.
I understand feeling guilty after these episodes, but see if you can use them as an opportunity to explore a different response. Be curious about what you could do differently.
Isaac says
For the past 3months now, I have been having headache, couldn’t play nor do things like before, I kept on angry and this took all my energy, I’m so weak and I kept thinking negatively, I have gotten lean and my anger has had turned my behaviour down and I couldn’t understand my real self anymore, I had push all friends away and it’s like I’m harboring hatred, please help I’m not enjoying my health, I wish I can be back to my normal me again! trying to change it all still clueless
Stargate says
Dear Gail Brenner,
I don’t think anyone can help me (that is not a challenge), and quite possibly, not even myself. I’m probably way over your league in how to deal with anger. But, I’m here… reading your webpage, reading others stories. And I wonder… really?
I am a 55 year-old male, so already much time has passed in all of my anger. I was severely ravaged by my father’s hunting dog at age 3 because no one was watching me. I went outside alone and was attacked. His god ripped my face wide open and I ended up with 182 stitches in my face. I spent one month in the hospital where my father came to visit me once and my mother never came to visit me at all.
I was repeatedly raped by my father from age 4 to age 8. I was beaten by my mother, locked up naked in a cold, dark room for days with no light. The floor was cold bare in the winter with no heat, as I cuddled up to another family dog (not a hunting dog) who was locked in that awful place with me. At least when I was in there I wasn’t being raped or beaten. At least I was with “my” dog.
While there, I wasn’t allowed to eat with my siblings during dinner time. I would hear them laugh and talk while I was alone, in the dark, naked and cold. Because of the constant rape I couldn’t hold my bowels anymore. Because of that I had “mishaps” all the way up to age 12, although the raping stopped at age 8. Nonetheless, I was punished for messing my pants, beaten, and was told, “If you want to live like a dog, then I’m going to treat you like a dog.” Hence, I was locked away naked in the dark in the dead cold of winter with no heat, except “my” dog.
I would be fed now and then. It was a steady diet of macaroni and butter on a paper plate slid under the locked door. Of course, my dog wanted the macaroni and butter, and because I began to bond with her since I had become so starved for love, I ended up trading her the macaroni and butter for her dog food. I ate her dog food, then, out of compassion because it was unfair that she was locked up, too.
The endocaprecis was impossible to stop, as apparently the physical rape was more than my body could handle. Because of that; because I continued to mess in my clothes, the beatings would follow, until one day my mother forced me to strip naked in the laundry room where my discarded soiled underwear were, and she forced me to eat my own feces, and whipped me with a belt. I was scolded in inhumane terms, to include reassurance that I would be spending a lot of time locked up in that awful cold dark room.
All of this affected my school work, my school relationships; students, teachers, principal. My demeanor must have carried a “sickness” with me that others could see, somehow. I was bullied nearly every day by one student or another. I tried to fight back, but there’s only so much a young boy can do. The principal and the teachers knew, but the bullying never stopped. There was no way to stop the bullying. I endured it the entire time I attended school, which included many bloody nose, black eyes, being spit on, tripped, and having my belongings stolen or ruined.
And in 4th grade, there was a Valentine’s day project we were told to work on. The assignment was to make large Valentine’s Day envelopes out of construction paper, decorate them, and then place each students envelope on the chalkboard sill in a long line end-to-end. We would then later get into a single file line and drop tiny Valentine’s Day greetings inside everyone’s envelope as we “marched” along the chalkboard sill. Essentially, each student would end up with, at least, one Valentine’s Day greeting of “Would You Be Mine” and “You’re Terrific” tokens of affection. -Something “that little boy” desperately needed.
And so, I asked my mother to please buy me some tiny Valentine’s Day greetings for the assignment, but she refused. I begged her. Daily I begged her, until the very last day before I had to have them in class, she bought me twice as many as I asked for.
That night I went to room, not the dark cold room this time, but my own bedroom, and I signed my name to each tiny Valentine as my teacher instructed. I read each one as I signed it, and I imagined getting the same back in return with other’s names on theirs. The imagery, the thoughts, the hope and the need for such affection was desperate with anticipation. I continued through the pile of tiny Valentine’s that night until all were signed by me.
The next day we lined up and began dropping Valentine’s in each others envelopes. The noise in the room was loud and echoing. One by one I dropped one or two or even three in all of their large envelopes. They did the same.
Later that day we were instructed to go get our large envelopes from the chalkboard sill and return to our desks and read our Valentine’s greetings. Again, the room echoed with children’s voices mixed with laughter, as I looked around, holding myself back to the end of the line. I watched in sweet anticipation. I watched as the students returned to their desk and dumped the tiny Valentine’s from their envelopes. Like rain and like snow, the greetings fell to their desk and some onto the floor. By then I had returned to my desk, yet still, I waited just a while longer to look at their faces and listened to their gibberish voices, none of which I could make any sense of what they were saying. It was so loud.
I lifted my large construction paper envelope upside-down and shook it. Nothing came out. I shook it and lifted it higher so I could see inside. It was empty. Not one.
At that moment, at age 9, something inside of me began to “die.” As I looked around the room again, as I could see their smiles and heard their voices and the laughter… it began to fade slowly into silence. At the same time, my eyesight began to fade to bright white light until I couldn’t see anyone at all. I began to feel nothing or “nothingness” and …only silence. I was nowhere, and no one. I was “nobody.”
It didn’t last long. My eyesight began seeing images, and at the same time my hearing began to pick up faint sounds. Within a minute or less, my senses returned fully, as did the heavy weight of sorrow… like death.
At that moment, when I looked around from within the darkest pit of grief, I thought to myself… “You’re not supposed to be alive. You’re not even supposed to be here. You’ve made a mistake to be alive and you were supposed to kill yourself already.”
I looked at the teacher and realized why she was always so mean to me; isolating me from the other students, constantly sending me off to a “study room” located as a “side room” off the main classroom, away from all the other students. I wasn’t supposed to be alive. It wasn’t (I wasn’t) natural in the normal and natural energy of life around me. I was a misstep in Time (bad [misfit] atoms).
She would yell at me and isolate me as “discipline” because my homework and grades were so bad all the time, but I never could quite catch on to what she was teaching. I tried! But things at home were rough. The rape had just ended the summer prior to 4th grade. But being locked up didn’t stop for another year. There was no help for me from anyone.
From then on I began to contemplate suicide, and I my outlook on life, in general, was never the same, as in, I knew I didn’t belong here… in life; alive. I was a mistake in this world, meant to be dead, or dead before I was ever alive; a fluke… again, a misstep in Time.
– But I’m still here at age 55… angry and sometimes raging inside.
So many things don’t work well in my life, although some things do work well. I think probably no better or worse than anyone else. It’s my past (me); a lifelong path of abuses, anger, rage, depression, suicidal ideation, and then several suicide attempts, one as recent as three years ago. But I never announce them. I never tell or say (except here) because, at my age, I suppose it’s something a person either does or doesn’t do. There’s no sense in announcing it when it’s really something a person would choose to do.
In all of this abuse, I didn’t go into my childhood experience of being traded by my father to a stranger-“friend” for overnight rape-sex. It must have been brutal because I can only remember blood and semen in my underwear the next mornings, and being forced to take a bath prior to “blackout” of not remembering anything after the bath or in between until the following morning; only blood, semen and physical pain.
Recently, 4 years go, I tangled with a horrific narcissistic woman who ended up ripping me off a few thousand dollars (but I allowed it, in some ways, as I set myself up), and then she burned me in Court with false allegations of “abuse” against her.
I swear, nothing could have been further from the truth. As angry as I am inside, it doesn’t equate to abusing others. I have been abused so much for so long that I refuse to do the same to others as they have done to me. But, the anger is always there, and after what she did, my anger has turned to internal rage. She got away with it, and my “too-late-to-afford” attorney told me he could have easily won my case, and he told me the judge broke the law. The statute of limitations ran out on my right to appeal the one year NC-PFA against me. It’s over with, but the anger and internal rage is still haunting me at least every week, sometimes daily. It’s effecting my relationships. My negativity has reached a high level of toxicity.
I’ve been in therapy many times for many years, but not so much anymore. There’s only so much therapy can do. I take medication to stave off depression and anxiety. Nothing powerful like anti-psychotic medication because I’m not psychotic.
And so, here I am. I landed on your webpage. I’m not asking for anything from you except for whatever you might freely give of yourself in the way of advice, in the way of a little bit of guidance on how to overcome my toxic anger.
My story can be verified as my 3 surviving siblings are aware of it, parts of it, some of it, others more than some, and the confession from our mother before she passed away. I’ve disowned one sibling, however.
My story isn’t made up. It’s not bait by a troll. It’s the real thing.
I would just like to know how to overcome so much gripping, toxic anger. What do I need to do?
Thanks in advance!
“Stargate” (My real name is withheld to protect me).
Gail Brenner says
Hello Stargate,
Thank you for your willingness to share your story here. I’m very, very sorry for all that has happened to you.
There is so much here, but I’ll address your question about anger directly. It’s the outgrowth of all the trauma you experienced, and it’s perfectly normal to feel this toxic anger, given your history. Anger has a lot of energy to it, and it’s an energy that sets boundaries. it makes sense that this “NO!” energy arises in you. The anger is a NO to all that has happened. It might say (you will know for sure), “Don’t cross me! Don’t mess with me!”
Honor the anger, and feel the energy of it in your body. And, I know this is hard, at the same time try to find a place of wisdom that can hold the anger. This is a greater part of you that was not touched by all this abuse, your essential aliveness that keeps you going. Try to live here as much as possible. And when the anger grips, feel it and give it so much love and understanding because that’s what it needs.
Unfortunately, you encountered many people in your life who disrespected your humanness. I want you to know that the whole world is not like that. Start looking for ease and goodness and little by little these start to be more prominent. And it starts with bringing ease and goodness within.
Your journey is fierce, and somehow you are moved to keep walking it. You are not alone….
With love, Gail
PS: I want you to know I had a glitch within my site, so I’m just discovering your comment today and responding. The delay in my response was not intentional.
Scarlett says
Hi Gail,
My anger is not for me but for animals cruelly treated for money and for thrill by me by sadistic people. I’ve worked in trying to change or improve stock welfare in live export as farm animals tend to get the worst treatment by being seen as commodities. It’s getting worse for many of them with atrocities ignored or accepted as it’s convenient to ignore their pain fear & suffering. This anger is overwhelming at times and affecting my health. How do you deal with anger which in this case is definately justified? In particular in live export where thousands of sheep or cattle undergo prolonged suffering and barbaric deaths for greed. I take any action I can, however it’s just getting worse. What can I do to stop this rage?
Gail Brenner says
It’s beautiful for you to commit to taking action on this problem that you feel so passionately about, Scarlett. And as you do, it sounds like you are in situations that are continuing to trigger you. So you are being called to take care of yourself and be compassionate with yourself especially when you are feeling angry. This might mean not exposing yourself so much to images and stories that trigger you. And doing lots of self-care by doing things that are relaxing and that you enjoy. Think about what it would take to calm your nervous system when you are angry.
I’ve written a lot about how to be with emotions. Perhaps this article will help you.
https://gailbrenner.com/2016/05/loving-your-emotions/
Ainee says
I have social anxiety and being an introvert is so difficult for me to interact with people. my university years were pathetic as i could not be able to harness my potential. i am usually afraid of people i do not know why. to help my this growing fear i decided to go for a career prep fellowship program. there i met different people and the environment there was very safe. i tried to support people as much as i can. i also made friendships specifically with one girl and one boy there. the girl is suffering with an eye disease while the boy had a broken marriage past. but they both are working great as a normal human being. the problem started when i found out that the boy was interested in me then i confronted him he backed off but his friends took this issue to a next level portraying as if i made him a fool and the boy himself started bullying me in the official group chat indirectly and it happened for almost 4 months. i could not able to stand up for myself as i found out that his group is really a characterless bunch of people so i took no action but at last my patience ended and i report it to my manager of that fellowship. things didn’t go well even after that and i backed off. but this wrongness that the people had done to me break me to my core. i find it more harder now to be in public. i am so angry on them but more on myself. this anger is really not going anywhere, just giving me pain.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for sharing here, Ainee. I can’t give you advice on personal situations. But I can suggest having self-compassion for whatever you are feeling. It’s normal to feel angry sometimes – and whatever else we feel. Let the feelings move through you like waves. Here’s an article that may help you.
https://gailbrenner.com/2018/08/wise-kind-relationship-feelings/