“Whatever you have forgotten, you can remember. Whatever you have buried you can unearth. If you are willing to look deep into your own nature, if you are willing to peel away the layers of not-self you have adopted in making your way through the tribulations of life, you will find that your true self is not as far removed as you think.”
~Meredith Jordan
I have so much compassion for those deeply-held patterns that we find ourselves trapped by. The pattern might be a fear of not having enough or being enough, a tendency to need approval or acceptance, or an out-of-control desire for control.
We feel a basic sense of lack and are driven to complete ourselves. “If only I could find the missing link, then I would be happy.” Doesn’t this describe the human condition?
The Origin of Lack
These patterns form when we are very young in response to circumstances and relationship dynamics. The people around us meant the best, but sometimes they fell short of providing the support and attention that we really needed.
This unfortunate situation creates the fertile ground for troublesome programming to thrive. We learn survival patterns that take hold of us like a hungry tiger, and they spread their tentacles into our hearts, minds, and bodies.
And now here you are, in your 20’s or 40’s or even older, acting as if you were five again. This is what has happened: the past is very much alive in the present.
Identify Your Identities
The pull of these unresolved experiences is very strong. They infiltrate you and become who you think you are. They seem to stuff the wholeness of you into a tiny box, and they drive you with need and desperation.
I had very early experiences that gave me the message that I wasn’t safe in the world. Since my basic security felt threatened, I grew up filled with fear. Sometimes it has played out as passivity and sometimes as a sense of bravado that hid the fear that was driving me.
Either way, whenever I respond with passivity or bravado, I am keeping the past alive in the present.
Return to Sanity
You have probably heard of the metaphor of the inner child. When these experiences from the past have not gotten the loving attention they need, it is just like a child living inside you. You feel the emotions of that earlier time, and they drive you to limit yourself in so many ways.
Believe me, I know this well in my own experience.
But I know this also: Total freedom requires us to unearth these tendencies. They are not real, and they are not who we are. They drive our behavior, and they shield us from the natural life that is our birthright.
We must see them with laser-like clarity or they continue to live in us outside of conscious awareness.
Isn’t it time to heal these so-called wounds and return to natural wholeness?
Tell the truth about how you bring the past into the present. Name the tendencies that operate through you. Step back from them so you can see them as they are. Know that they have landed in you, but they are not you.
Be ruthless and compassionate. Yes, undesirable things happened, but stay rooted in your quest for freedom, for wholeness. Be willing to do whatever it takes.
Tell the story and feel the pain. Don’t hold back in experiencing the pain of these patterns. How do they make you feel? How have you betrayed yourself? What has been the effect on others? Feel the truth of the pain so you see it clearly. But don’t wallow in it.
Soothe the inner child. Let him or her feel your support and reassurance and love. And know that I love you, with all my heart.
Contemplate living without these tendencies. What would change? What would freedom feel like? This is the natural, unconditioned you.Ā Experiment with living it.
Stay aware. These deeply-embedded patterns hold on tightly. Know them so well that they come to light in an instant. Then, over and over, relax into wholeness. Let go of all barriers and live in this open, receptive space, free of boundaries and structure.
Then one day you will notice, ah, peace and happiness…effortlessly.
This is your time. What pattern do you need to resolve? How do you stay committed to the process? We would all love to hear and support you…
Mathilda says
Wow, this post really resonates with me. The most eye opening answer to all your questions is: I would not worry about approval and do whatever I genuinely enjoy doing. Wouldn’t that be a life changing thing?
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Mathilda.
I love this response: “I would not worry about approval and do whatever I genuinely enjoy doing.” Why not now? Go and enjoy yourself – without being held back by the past.
David says
The ‘present’ is the best place to enjoy Life from Gail. Look forward to the future & learn from the past however you cannot live your past…it is gone. Thankyou.
be good to yourself
David
Gail Brenner says
So true, David. The past is gone. Wise words…
Galen Pearl says
I just read a book cleverly titled Code to Joy, in which the authors talk about these limiting beliefs that we get imprinted with early on, like “I’m not safe.” That belief was certainly one I learned. I had to first recognize it, and cradle it, as Thich Nhat Hanh suggests. I gently substituted the belief “I am safe” until it became my “default” thinking habit.
Great post, as always.
Gail Brenner says
And great comment, Galen. You offer proof that these early embedded beliefs can be overcome. It takes intention and perseverance, but it is possible. Cause to celebrate!
Clare says
“We feel a basic sense of lack and are driven to complete ourselves. āIf only I could find the missing link, then I would be happy.ā Doesnāt this describe the human condition?”
This sounds like the plot line of Jonathan Franzen’s aptly titled book, “The Corrections”. As in all families, the book shows how no one is to blame and everyone is to blame on the circular rollercoaster ride of dysfunction. People come to terms; people don’t come to terms. It is all a tremendously entertaining trainwreck that you cannot shield your eyes from (the book, that is).
I guess the one area where I still have problems is not being heard. I had an absent father and a pre-occupied mother and while our physical needs were taken care of, for the most part, our emotional and social needs were not. We were like five roommates, instead of a family. Much of the other family strife I’ve reconciled, but the not being listened to is still a trigger. However, the lesson for me is to give people your undivided attention and to hear them, (which is easier said than done). It is a gift and a rare one at that. I’ll often be out with my spouse and see/hear a table full of women. As the evening wears on, they become louder and louder, talking over one another, not even carrying on the same conversations. It is like a cacophony of monologues. So even when people-watching/eavesdropping this non-listening annoys me.
Gail Brenner says
This is such a clear example, Clare, of what this post is about. Thanks so much for sharing it. These experiences infiltrate, and they become very resistant to change. Whenever you are triggered by not being listened to, this is the past coming into the present, as you well k now. I love your idea of healing by giving others your undivided attention.
Maybe you can also contemplate deeply listening to yourself, hearing all that is being offered to you. When you can let go of your reliance on others for your happiness, you are well on the road to true happiness.
Wishing you an ongoing beautiful journey…
Clare says
Wonderful advice Gail. I will definitely take this with me.
Sandra Pawula says
This is so on target, Gail: “The pull of these unresolved experiences is very strong. They infiltrate you and become who you think you are.”
I find this post so synchronous as so many of these old patterns have been surfacing in the last year, giving me such a wonderful opportunity to transform. Often, we have no idea how we are driven by these old patterns or have to much shame to acknowledge them. Yet, it’s so liberating when we do. And the approach you have shared is is excellent.
Gail Brenner says
You have such an open perspective, Sandra, like a breath of fresh air – seeing the patterns coming up as an opportunity to transform.
I share with you in the liberation of bringing all the darkness out of the closet. It’s the only way to be truly free.
Nishi says
And this too. Much gratitude for the reminder. It is not always easy to be mindful or be compassionate. Practice is the key. And so is being gentle to oneself. Hugs!
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Nishi, all are essential – practice, consistent awareness, and being gentle to ourselves. Glad to hear that this resonated for you. Sending love…
Coach Nea says
You have so much amazing insight here. I think the challenge for so many people is in first recognizing their own tendencies. It’s so much easier to blame outside circumstances, other people or ‘chance’ for things that go wrong; but I always ask my clients to consider the common denominator in the pattern. That’s always self.
When we are willing to accept that there is a need for change, healing, and letting go; we’ve just stepped into our own power. What a wonderful place to be!
Gail Brenner says
So right on, Nea. John Kabat-Zinn said, “Wherever you go, there you are.” We carry ourselves around – and if we play out tendencies, we carry those also. Yes, we are our own common denominator. Once that is realized, freedom is just around the corner.