“Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.” ~Jean Paul Sartre
Still plagued by your past? Then this post is for you. But only if you want to be free, only if you want to know the open-heartedness and enthusiasm for life that come with making peace with the past.
As you probably know, sometimes events from the past have a mind of their own. Memories keep recirculating when all you want is for them to disappear. You are way more emotionally reactive than you know is good for you. And you are limited by distrust, neediness, and a stunted view of what is possible for you.
If you know your past is still nipping at your heels, read on. Because you will discover 10 facts that may just be the key to unlock the door to your full, unbridled, joyful, infinitely sane expression of you. Be free of the past, and you can go on and simply enjoy your life.
A Personal Example
How do I know? From first-hand experience. For many years, I had a very rocky relationship with my parents, filled with anger and resentment about the past. My mind screamed about the “should have’s” and “ought to be’s.” I kept an endless list about what I deserved, but thought I had missed out on. There were periods with no communication and many arguments as we tried and failed repeatedly to find a way of meeting. Until I saw the light.
In a moment of insight, I took responsibility for my own happiness. I saw that my anger was preventing me from experiencing the ease and well being that I desperately wanted, so I stopped feeding it. No more stories about what should have been, no more blaming or waiting for solutions. My identity as the wounded child disappeared, and what was revealed? Happiness. Peace.
The story of what happened in my past didn’t change. But what I gave power to totally changed. I stopped dwelling on the past. I stopped justifying the anger, and now, 15 years later, I have trouble even remembering the details of events that used to agitate me to no end. I am so much more drawn to ease and simplicity. Yes, my relationship with my parents has improved beautifully, but that has been a side effect and not the primary driver. What I wanted more than anything was to be free of the past and happy in the now. And, yes, I am free of the past and so deeply happy in the timeless now.
10 Life-Changing Facts
What happened to me is, without question, possible for you. Apply these 10 life-changing facts to the sticky residue from your past. See clearly, get unstuck, and move forward free and unencumbered.
1. The past isn’t really about the past.
When you look with great clarity, you will see that there is no actual thing called the past. Everything that happens happens in the present – it can’t be any other way. Memories of events are thoughts occurring in the present. Anger or hurt about the past is happening now. Your present moment experience in the now is what keeps the past alive.
What is amazing about this understanding is that it shows you that the way out of your suffering is always in the present. You can change your perspective – now, focus on something different – now, feel your feelings – as they are right now.
If you want to heal from the past, put your attention on your present moment experience.
2. Memories are not the problem.
A memory is a thought, and a thought has no power or meaning whatsoever, unless you give it power or meaning. You have many thoughts about things that happened long ago, and these thoughts cause no problems. But some thoughts are sticky. You have an emotional reaction to them and you think them over and over. You may even have beliefs related to them, for example, “I am justified in thinking this” or “I need an apology so I can move on.” This keeps them very much alive, affecting your ongoing experience.
If you want to be free of the past, lose interest in these sticky thoughts. Know that it doesn’t serve you to repeat them and that thinking they are justified only delays your freedom. Be prepared to take a look at the pure experience of your feelings without the layer of thinking that solidifies them (see #6 below).
3. “Healing” means letting go so the thoughts and feelings don’t impact you.
Your goal is to neutralize the story from the past so it loses its power over you. It becomes transparent, with no meaning and no effect. You change your relationship to your thoughts so they don’t sit like a dark cloud over you. Your goal is not to:
- Make yourself forget about the past (impossible)
- Stuff or ignore your feelings (creates other problems – addiction, anyone?)
- Wait for an apology or acknowledgment (postpones happiness)
- Wait for time to heal all wounds (you may need more than time)
- Wallow endlessly in your emotions (oh, so painful)
- Redo the past (you can’t change what happened but you absolutely can change your reaction to what happened)
Keep holding as possible: freedom…peace…sanity…freshness in the moment…fully alive now.
4. The path to healing opens up once you are fed up by how the stories about the past impact you.
As I’m happy to say as often as necessary, what you focus on is what will grow. If you cultivate sadness, regret, and revenge, then they will become your reality. As an alternative, be very willing to see through these stories as much as is needed. Be open to energy moving through your body rather than staying stuck. Prepare yourself to feel differently. Contemplate not defining yourself by thoughts about the past.
5. You get a jump-start on releasing the past when you take full responsibility.
Once you see that the ball is totally in your court, you have set the stage for deep letting go. Your happiness is your responsibility alone, not anyone else’s. You might be very familiar with feeling like a victim. But this is a passive, unempowered position, leaving you waiting for words or actions from someone else, something you cannot control.
Taking responsibility means being open to recognizing how your own internal landscape is feeding your suffering. What thoughts make you unhappy? What feelings are stuck in your body and heart? How do you make yourself suffer by recycling negative memories through your mind? Being stuck in the past means that a part of your heart is closed. Take responsibility for going right into those bruised and tender places. Read on to find out how.
6. Telling stories keeps the past lodged in your mind, heart, body, and spirit.
We tell ourselves all sorts of stories that bring trouble to our lives. Want to be trouble-free? Here is the medicine.
- Notice how entranced you can be by the stories of drama and victimhood that appear in your mind.
- Just for a moment, let yourself lose interest in these thought stories. (see #2 above)
- See that what is left is a pattern of physical sensations, maybe gripping, tension, or burning. You may never have noticed these sensations before, but they have probably been there for a long time.
- Now notice this: You are aware, and these sensations are appearing in your awareness. They come, go, and change, but here you are: aware.
- Take the perspective of awareness, and the sensations have the freedom to be. They aren’t ignored or suppressed. You aren’t so busy in the story that you don’t notice them.
- Now notice: Are you suffering? No, you are simply experiencing sensation as awareness.
This is freedom – no attention to the story, experience appearing and disappearing with ease. You: unchanging, clear, undisturbed.
7. Beliefs about healing can get in the way.
Besides getting stuck in the story, you might become aware of beliefs you hold about what needs to happen for you to let go. These are simply more thoughts that keep you distracted from the heart of the matter. Here are some possibilities:
- “I feel justified in staying stuck because I was wronged.”
- “It is someone else’s responsibility to make this better for me.”
- “If I let go, I’m somehow approving others’ bad behavior.”
- “I need an apology.”
- “Life is unfair.”
- “It was so bad that it’s not possible for me to heal.”
You life begins now, in this very moment…and now…and now. You can always start anew. Don’t feed these limiting thoughts, and you won’t need them to disappear. Proceed to discover that you were never not whole, that a part of you has always been untouched by the world.
8. Relationship troubles relate to your past.
Unless you see through all of it, you are a product of your past and the ideas you have formed about how relationships work. This keeps the past alive in the present. Do you fear rejection or commitment? Do you feel you need approval and attention? Do you isolate or push people away? Do you need to be on top and in control? Do you have difficulty trusting? If these tendencies cause you problems in your relationships, here is your opportunity.
Untangle your thoughts and feelings about the past, and live in freedom from them as you move forward.
9. The middle path is the intelligent path.
Dwelling on what happened and leaking your feelings all over the place will keep you suffering. Hiding, indulging, or stuffing your feelings doesn’t work in the long-term. Instead, bring intelligence and clarity to your direct experience. Cultivate a fire for peace and ease that serves you well.
10. Finding out who you are is the ultimate freedom.
If you define yourself by your past, you will be living as a fraction of what is possible for you. Say you think of yourself as wronged or abused or victimized. Or you see yourself as having gotten the short end of the stick.
Defining yourself by what happened doesn’t help you now. It’s like wearing clothes that never fit. Is it time to take them off?
It’s easy to believe in a mistaken identity. It feels so true to think we are the result of what happened or the sum total of our thoughts and feelings. But the truest thing about you is that you are aware. Life presents a passing array of experiences – thoughts, emotions, events, people. These all arise in you but are not you.
Live as the awareness that you are – fully alive, here, not in conflict with anything. Know who you are, and the pain of the past will barely be a ripple…on the surface…of the immeasurable vastness of you.
What have you learned about healing the pain from the past that has helped you?
Note: This is the seventh in a series of posts on Life-Changing Facts. Here are the others: fear, attachment, habits, healing the inner critic, happiness, and anger.
Note on September 26, 2014: Thank you all for your comments, which I have enjoyed answering. We have thoroughly exhausted this topic! I am closing comments on this post, but I guarantee the answers you are looking for are here, either in the post or in my responses to other people’s comments below. I love that you are interested in finding peace. It’s right here, available to you!
Always in love,
Arlene says
A very meaningful post to me, loved it. And love this series.
Thank you so much
Gail Brenner says
It’s my pleasure, Arlene. Love to you…
Sean says
I am a couple o months away from being 40. Your posts pinpoints everything I feel and do. Now I am trying to raise my own little 5yo girl, and am truly seeking the way to my happiness for myself. So I can try to lead my little girl down a better path. While I will never do the things to her that happened to me, I know she feels my emotions, and I really need to nip this thing in butt. Thank you for your posts.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sean,
I love that you are so insightful about how best to relate to your daughter. Even though she may feel your emotions, she can also feel your love and good intention and wish to model happiness for her. Raising her is beautiful motivation for you to face what is difficult and scary and find your way to happiness.
Be very forthcoming with your love for her and toward yourself. It’s always true: love heals.
In love and support to you…
Sandi says
Thank you! I’ve always felt like I should have been more affected by things that hurt me in the past, but reading this makes me realize that I handle them in a healthy way. I wasn’t able to articulate why or how I’m able to leave those experiences behind, but you’ve done that for me. I love your writing.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for your comment, Sandi. There is no right or wrong when it comes to matters of the heart. You respond how you do. Some people seem to be naturally resilient – not only making it through a difficult upbringing, but somehow thriving. May your happiness shine everywhere…
Sam santiago says
I agree with u
Crys says
I’ve missed your posts. This one was well worth the wait and relevant as always.
Thank you.
Gail Brenner says
Great, Crys! I’m glad it was helpful.
Seth Mullins says
Hi Gail,
I really resonate with the way in which, in all of your examples, you assign our personal power to the present moment. That there’s no power really in the past unless we lend it that with our choices and focus in the present. I learned that one the hard way, eventually having to choose freedom and peace even when it seemed to contradict what was “true”.
Only after I took that risk, stopped believing the negative stories about my past, could I see that they were, in fact, just stories. Thank you!
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for sharing your experience, Seth. What I love about your comment is that you said you “took that risk” to stop believing stories, to see if what seemed so true really was.
If we assume that what we think is true is, we might stay stuck for a very long time. Best to investigate – to know for sure what is true or not. Stories come and go, but You are here always…
Diane says
This is juicy! Thank you, Gail, for your gift of insight. It takes a lot to keep grounded and this post is one I will keep coming back to.
“the immeasurable vastness of you”…..
Beautiful.
Gail Brenner says
Glad it helped, Diane. Yes, keep coming back as often as needed. When we are fed up with the suffering, the momentum of patterns still runs. So it can take diligence and perseverance until the energy of the pattern dies down. Stay alive to what you really want…
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Diane, beautiful you. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Cathy|Treatment Talk says
Hi Gail,
Lovely post as usual. Letting go of our past resentments leads us to that place where we can begin to find inner peace.
I’ve had times in my past where I found it easier to play the victim card. But as I grew older and hopefully wiser, I’ve realized harboring these resentments doesn’t serve me well.
This line speaks to me – “Being stuck in the past means that a part of your heart is closed. ” So true. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Have a great weekend.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Cathy,
I appreciate what it’s like to somehow automatically fall into playing the victim card. And by grace, we hear that there is another way.
Sometimes it’s like giving a few drops of oil to the creaky tin man. At first, giving up the victim role feels wrong. But then wisdom sets in, and we find the inner peace we are looking for. It didn’t actually go anywhere. The releasing of the victim card reveals that peace was here all along.
Beautiful to hear from you….
Galen Pearl says
I was immediately reminded of a dinner I had with my mom and some of my friends when I was in my 30’s. My mom regaled them with tales of my childhood, describing a childhood that was very interesting, but it wasn’t mine! I couldn’t relate at all to the picture she was painting. I realized then that my childhood had no objective existence. As A Course in Miracles says, “The only wholly true thought we can hold about the past is that it is not here.”
Gail Brenner says
I love this, Galen! There is so much wisdom in realizing “the past” is not an objective thing that happened the way we remember it. It’s only a set of thoughts and feelings – that are showing up now! And of course these are never going to be the same between two people.
How fortunate for you that this happened so you could move through any way in which you were still holding on to your past.
Wendy Merron says
#3 really resonates with me.
So many people come to my office to and tell me that they are healing because they are consciously putting their stuff and garbage “in the past”.
Putting their stuff in the past is like stuffing ten pounds of garbage into a sandwich bag.
It will eventually spill out and cause problems in their life.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Wendy,
Putting “stuff” in the past is really ignoring what is here right now in the present. As I’m sure you know, when we commit to allowing everything, we open up to the possibility of freedom. No walls = no resistance. Aaahhh, what a relief!
Jason Harvey says
Lovely post Gail.
I really like how you emphasised that you should not forget your past but rather make peace with it.
Truly learning who you are and what you want to achieve in your life is definitely the way to live in the present.
Your post reminds me of the following quote I would like to share:
“Your past is always your past. Even if you forget it, it remembers you.”
― Sarah Dessen,
Gail Brenner says
Hi Jason,
Thanks so much for stopping by and for your comment.
To be honest, I don’t think it’s possible to forget the past. And some of those difficult events we have repeated a million times in our minds, so they are very well-conditioned. Which points to the dilemma: how to be happy. Making peace with the past so you can live in the present, without the residue holding you back, seems to be the way. Sounds like that is your experience as well.
Kyle Cogan says
A very inspiring read! just reading through this post has made me think about how i could have handled things better in life. I won’t deny i had anger management issues resentment or felt i was hard done by but i’ve done my best to move on from that and the anger issues i once had are nonexistent. I also won’t deny that i do sometimes fleetingly do delve back into the past and think about how i could have handled being bullied at school but i do manage to pull myself out of it damn quick. Just a very interesting read of this blog and i am one to comment on blogs that i come across and find interesting and informative. I went to a group with uniting care in my home community which was an up close and personal group which talked about friendships relationships etc mainly to find out who i really was I should probably shut up and stop talking about myself too much here it’s just so onesided.
Sandee says
Just what I needed to read right now. I’ve got to stop letting the past contaminate the present – oh so hard to do but I’m going to keep trying. 🙂
Gail Brenner says
Great to hear from you, Sandee. Thanks so much for stopping by.
You sound like you are in the right place to let go of how the past has been affecting you. Focus on your own peace and happiness, and let the past be finished, because it is. I love your enthusiasm and your fire.
Marie says
This doesn’t work for me right now.
In my past, I was told bad thing weren’t happening, I wasn’t allowed to have feelings and I wasn’t allowed to express an opinion about being treated badly.
This message again pressures me once again to “move on” and that being mistreated isn’t important.
I want to claim my right to have my feelings, to have it expressed that being mistreated is not okay and to spend time understanding fully my abuse.
I think there is a time to be with the story and deal with that fully and there is also a time to live life fully beyond a particular story.
I’m curious what your thoughts on this are.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Marie,
Thank you so much for writing. I do completely agree with you that there is a time to be with the story. In situations of abuse, sometimes the story needs to be told many times – not in the sense of wallowing in it but with the intention of understanding and ultimately releasing. That said, sometimes we need to wallow, too, and that’s fine.
The problem is when things get stuck. If your life now is hindered by a preoccupation with the past, then there might be something to do and heal. If it is important to say that you were mistreated and have feelings about that, then follow your instinct, but also be aware if you aren’t making progress with it.
There is not a one-size-fits-all model. Each situation is delicate and each person’s process needs to be respected. For people who are in the midst of understanding the story and feel the need to be with it for now, they can also know that freedom is possible when the timing is right.
If you feel like responding, I’m happy to hear you.
Sending love…
Marie says
I have always been extremely impressed and appreciated that you respond to comments.
Your comments above are very helpful.
The only thought I might leave with you is that a blog post such as this might be even more complete, well rounded, powerful and “hit the mark” if you can anticipate and include remarks to address some of the common “yes, but … ” questions to your post.
Your way of thinking is revolutionary and can be a difficult leap from a conventional traditional western lifestyle, so I think people need help bridging the old style thinking that they come from, are emersed in and is all around them to your approach that often turns a lot of conventional thinking on it’s head.
However, this is all easy for me to say …. you have much experience providing an excellent blog and explaining a much needed alternative way of thinking.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Marie,
I’m glad you see what I present as revolutionary. Our conventional conditioned way of being may be good enough, but it is not satisfactory once you know that abiding, lasting peace and happiness are possible. It takes a radical departure from all ideas and beliefs about everything, including our ideas of ourselves, to realize this.
I appreciate your suggestions and the need for bridging the gap. I will keep that in mind. And I am happy to address any other “yes, but’s” in the comments.
Marie says
Thanks again. 🙂
Adam D. Oglesby says
At one point in my life I was a very busy dude—literally swimming, drowning, suffocating in a never ending succession of interruptions. Between office phone, cell phone, email and text messages I could literally receive or make seven hundred to a thousand transmissions a day.
Each one of these transmissions was accompanied by an auditory signal of some kind—a ring, a ring tone, a chirp, an alert, a blast. These sounds would instantly alert me to the need to take action of some kind–to answer, to e-mail, to text, to take a message, to transmit information, to look up data.
After years of this career, after being overwhelmed by this constant badgering, sometimes running eighteen hours in a day, six and seven days a week—I was at the end of my rope.
On those rare off day all I really wanted was silence, a period of no noise, no decisions, no interruptions.
(If you ever wanted piss me off just decide to call me on my off day to chit-chat.)
Well, thankfully, I have a lot more freedom now, a bit more peace. I’m certainly happier, less stressed.
But, I’ve noticed, I’ll watch a video of me during that hyper-active period now. On the tape, I’ll hear one of my devices going off. Even though this might be a film from six years ago, I’ll immediately start searching for a phone, patting my pockets, trying to answer that six year old call.
Though I’ll quickly realize it’s only the video, for a time I’m tense, anxious, as if I’ve been transported back to an unpleasant time in my life.
This is a past I’d really like to let go.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Adam! You sound like you have made some wise choices and that you are reaping the benefits. Beautiful to hear.
You are describing a conditioned response that is so automatic – not only in your behavior of looking for the device, but in how the body reacts. My suggestion would be to immediately let go of the story about the past, and just focus on allowing the bodily sensations that are here in the present. Don’t touch them – simply let them be and move through. This is the medicine for conditioning. Whether or not the sensations go away, you stay peaceful as the awareness in which they come and go.
The past is already finished – it is kept alive by keeping the story going. No story means simply presence – and no problem.
Best wishes to you…
Sofia Reddy says
Thank you so much for sharing your personal story Gail. You are inspiring! I too have spent so many years working on finding freedom and peace within myself and am letting go, moment to moment and by surrounding myself with peaceful, loving people. My thought is that my childhood was taken, but I will not let these important years be taken away by rage and anger. I don’t want to wake up one day 20 years from now thinking and feeling the same way. I want to let go and live fully. After all, we only have this life, let’s make it amazing! Thank you. With gratitude, Sofia
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sofia,
I love that you don’t want to live with your life directed by the thought, “My childhood was taken.” You can let go little by little. Each time you turn away from the thoughts, you stop feeding your identification with them. Eventually, they become like weather, just passing by. Every time you step into the now and let the residue of the past go, you are free. And those moments of freedom add up.
The only sane place, where true, stable happiness is possible, where you are not identified with thoughts about the past, is now. Live in this awareness as much as possible and you will see that life is amazing right here and now.
Love and support to you…
Sandy says
Great article. I perhaps know/am aware of these things but just not able to move on. I am kind off waiting for person who gave me pain to come and apologize to me…which perhaps I know for sure is never going to happen. I go into endless loop of why…why..why me…??? Why cant the other person see the pain they have put me in…All I need in acknowledge my presence and not treat me like a door mat…..Am I expecting too much…I am really stuck …..
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sandy, and welcome to you…
What I love about your comment is that you know you are stuck. You know that it’s not working for you to wait for an apology and ask “why me.” Great. In a sense, you are treating yourself like a doormat because you are not empowering yourself to discover that you can be free of this. Fully acknowledge your own presence, rather than waiting for someone else to do that for you.
Here is what I would suggest: Stop giving your focus to the other person and to what happened. Yes, something happened that caused pain in you. Let’s fully acknowledge that. Now you get to decide how you would like to move forward. What can you learn from what happened? Take these lessons with you. How can you support your own happiness? Let joy live in you and follow it now, and now, and now. Be around supportive people. Every time you start thinking about the past and this person, say “no” to that habit and don’t feed the story. Focus on the presence that is here now, the wonder of life itself. You are alive!
Don’t be half-dead by carrying the heavy past around. Little by little, bring your attention here, this breath, these sounds. There is so much love available – let your heart open to it…
Feel free to let me know how it’s going. Love to you…
Sandy says
Hi Gail – Thanks for a quick response. And as you can see, I am like continuously/desperately looking for solace. I will follow your advice and see how it goes. One personal handicap I have is I am constantly looking for external strokes. Feel happy when someone outside keeps praising, thanking me 🙁 This is really making it bad. I need to change my outlook. I have a great family and the love me. My wife does say in nice way, that I am more sweet and helping with people outside family then I am with them. I know this is true. There is lot’s that I want to set right with my life. As you said, I am alive, and I am really enjoying the phase I am going thru and I am observing myself and my reactions thru it. Hopefully I will grow more stronger and a complete person. Thanks…You take care….
Sandy says
How to let go and forgive without hating the other person? Any one? Any advice….I feel that only way to heal completely is to give it back to the person who hurt you….I am trying my best not to hate and keep respect and love alive, but is that what is making my recovery difficult?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sandy,
The only way to heal completely is to see things clearly. You are caught in the story of what happened, and this isn’t serving you. When you tell yourself about the other who hurt you and how you feel hate, these are thoughts rolling around in your mind.
See if you can begin to bring your attention into your own direct experience, meaning: pull your attention away from the thoughts that make up the story, these are just sounds appearing in your mind, and feel in your body what is happening – burning, vibration, tension, whatever. Let these sensations be. Your mind will want to grab your attention again and again into the story, but your job is to let it go every time.
True forgiveness happens when you make a decision within yourself to do whatever it takes to find peace. That means being willing to give up the story and look at your experience in a completely different way. Your healing really has nothing to do with the other person; it’s about how you are with your own experience.
Also, create balance in your life. See if you can stop being obsessed with this situation, and appreciate the love and support around you. There is beauty everywhere, if you take a look.
There are many resources here to help. Check out some of the guided audio meditations to help you stay centered.
I appreciate your desire to be free of this torture. You won’t find it in the situation or the other person. Bring your full attention into yourself and work with those things you can do something about – your thoughts and feelings.
Sending love and support…
Sandy says
Hi…quick update, unbelievable but true…I am almost 99% there. I think 1% is perhaps just matter of time. Your blogs an some meditation audio helped. I would also like to share couple of statements that I heard in one of the TV serials (Greys Anatomy) which had immediate profound impact on me, it goes something like that ” No matter how much you love someone there is no guarantee that they will love you back, and you cant force them to love you back”. This was one of those ahaaa moments with curtains lifting off ……Just wanted to share this with you, and thank you for you support….I am almost there….Take care
Gail Brenner says
I’m so happy for your aha moments, Sandy. Obviously, you are giving your struggles some very useful attention – not to keep the stories going, but to find release.
I appreciate the freedom you are discovering. Love and support to you on your journey…
Benandrestar says
Aha moments prevail!
Peris says
I am glad I found this post today, as I am completely in it right now. I am feeling unloved, alone, and afraid.
I am not speaking to two of my sisters, their choices. My other sister tells me to go to Alonon.
I am always searching for ways to try and BE happy but right now I am feeling far from that.
I read your blog above and it completely resonates yet I do not know how to get there. I know there is some of; they wronged me, if I let go it means how they are is condonned. I always tried to be the “good” child yet “they” got the attention for all of their f’ups.
I feel completely lost right now.
Gail Brenner says
You are most welcome here, Peris. So glad you found your way here.
There is a quote by Eckhart Tolle that goes something like this: Whatever you think you need from the world, give to yourself. What do you think you need that would fill up the emptiness you feel? Love, attention, care? Can you offer these things to yourself with a loving, open heart? Here is how it works: you treat yourself kindly and you are both the giver and receiver. It fills you with exactly what you might be needing.
In times of great difficulty, it helps to stop in every moment and follow your inner wisdom to know what to do for your peace and well-being. Only moment by moment, that’s all you need to pay attention to. I have written about this and other ways to deal with hard times from my own personal experience here in this post.
You are the source of your own happiness and peace. Let go of trying to deal with interactions that clearly aren’t working. Be your own best friend, and feel free to stay in touch.
In love and support….
Peris says
Luckily the cloud has lifted. I am practicing changing my thoughts and it is not easy but I am doing the work.
Your tools are very helpful. Esp the “what do you think you need today”
I feel at times I am waiting to live; if I just do this, or make that much money, or ect. It is a strange concept, I am wondering where it comes from. Maybe self worth. I will read more on your site.
Thank you, again!
Gail Brenner says
This is great news, Peris. Once you notice what you are doing that is keeping you stuck, you are open to options. May I make a recommendation? It is to not spend too much time figuring out where these troublesome thoughts come from. Rather, spend the moments of this life in presence, peace, and happiness. In every moment, this choice is possible.
Robert says
I enjoyed reading your post”10 Life Changing Facts To Heal The Pain Of The Past’. My personal issue is not so much with dealing with bad memories from the past, but yearning for the good times from my past. I don’t want to let go of the good times; I just want to learn from them and still live in the present. I am having trouble with this issue as I have read mixed solutions for this problem.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Robert,
I’m happy for you that you have had good times in the past. It sounds like now you are comparing the past to the present – and the present is coming up lacking or not good enough. Whether the past was good or not, it is gone. And your invitation always is to live in the freshness of now.
Memories of the past are in the mind, and they are not about the present. Try not giving them your attention, and stay fully open to things as they are.
Robert says
Thanks for your reply. I know that this will take time, but I really feel that I am moving forward and I am excited about the possibilities for the future.
I wish all of those seeking answers on this site all the best.
Thanks again!
Gail Brenner says
So glad to hear that you are moving forward, Robert. Thanks for all of your good wishes.
Lisa Alderton says
I am desperate to find myself I don’t know who I am , don’t think I ever have . I abandoned my 2 kids 15 years ago to be with a man I am now married to and have 2 wonderful children . My previous relationship was abusive and violent. I cut myself off from all of my family just as my mother was dying . I’ve since had contact with my other 2 kids and one family member , but the guilt I feel is unbearable . I also had a fall out with my now husbands family whom I was very close to . I have a very good life now , but I can’t let go of the past I feel empty and alone . I don’t have any real close friends , my husband works long hours and is always preoccupied with something . I’ve been having some really bad thoughts and I’m scared . I just want to move on and learn how to find peace with myself and be happy .
Gail Brenner says
Hi Lisa,
Don’t hesitate to get professional help in your local community to help you find your way to peace. You say you have a very good life now. So now, as you walk through the moments of your life, focus on what is here now, not how things once were. Being at peace is a choice you can make. Make it now…and now…and now. Over and over, bring your attention to what is here now, letting go of attaching to thoughts and feelings from the past. The past is over, and the only way it is kept alive is in your thoughts. What do you choose in this moment? Make an overture of friendship, do something that is caring for yourself. This is your path – let your whole life revolve around being present, and you will find what you are looking for.
dave says
does this apply to thoughts that are keeping me “trapped” such as: “going to work is keeping me sick and I can’t heal unless I just quit work and live a stress free life?” this thought plays over and over in my mind and is very distressing to me because I am just barely making enough money to pay my bills and this thought keeps making me feel like i am in an impossible situation. Thanks
Gail Brenner says
Hi Dave,
Thanks so much for your question – it is such an important one that I’m sure applies to many people.
Any thought that keeps you trapped needs to be examined. I can definitely see how this thought, about work keeping you sick, makes you feel trapped. It also puts off your happiness and healing to some future time, making the now not a very pleasant place to be. Good for you for realizing that the problem is this thought – and not your job.
What if, just for a moment, you couldn’t think this thought. Then there you would be, going to work, doing what you need to do. You wouldn’t be hoping for a stress-free life because you would be living one already. This is the power of thoughts – and of not paying attention to them.
See if you can lose interest in this thought, you don’t have to get rid of it, and by doing so your attention falls right onto the present. Forget the running commentary in your head, and just be. Your resistance to work falls away.
Maybe you do need to quit work to heal. But you can’t know this yet. First, take away the stress that the thoughts are adding in, then see where things are. You might find more energy than you could imagine and the lovely experience of being fully present and alive for the moments of your life. This is the true healing.
Boom says
Hi all!
I had a terrible childhood. My father and my mother died really young. My father spent a lot of time in prison. And their relationship was really abusive. I really walked through the fire in my childhood. Now i’m 40 years old. And in these last month i’m experiencing really bad intrusive thoughts about my childhood. Still living those years of suffering and sorrow.there’s a lot boiling in my head. I just would like to ne free from those memories and not so scared. I spent all these years proving i’m not like them. And trying to focus only on positive memories. But it seems it doesn’t work. Thanks
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Boom. I’m sure you’re not alone in being troubled by recurring thoughts from the past.
When it gets worse, like it is now, it’s time to take really good care of yourself. Be around supportive, loving people, see what you can do to reduce stress, spend time in nature, be very, very kind to yourself.
As you know, there is no magic to finding relief from the memories. It’s an ongoing process of getting grounded within yourself – in your wholeness and creativity and clear thinking, which are always there even though they might be difficult to find. Be very present in the moment, breathing and feeling your feet on the floor. Celebrate anything life-affirming that you notice – a moment of joy, laughter, the peace of the natural world. All of these ways of being bring your attention away from the story of what happened in the past and here to presence.
We live from either fear or love. See if you can live from love as much as you can, asking: What would love do?
I appreciate your good intention to be open, peaceful, and free, and I know that this is possible for you. Sending oceans of love and support…
boom says
thanks for the prompt reply nd kind words.
do you think is possible to get over these toughts?
living in the past is a non sense because past doesn’t exist.
don’t want to spend the present somewhere else with my mind.
I only would like to find a way to cope with this.
and not being ashamed .
best regards
Gail Brenner says
Hi Boom,
It depends on what you mean by “get over” the thoughts. It’s really about making peace with them, so when the thoughts appear, which they will for a while, you stay grounded in the peace that is here in the present so that the content of the thoughts doesn’t disturb you.
It is wisdom to see that the past doesn’t exist and your mind takes you away from the present. But it isn’t your mind that takes you away. It’s your attention, which is what you potentially have control over. When you feed challenging thoughts with your attention, they will hang around, as you know. But experiment: can the thoughts be present as wisps of energy that have words attached, but no meaning? Can they move through your awareness without your attention grabbing them and making them stick? This is the practice for you.
There is a lot on this site about how to work with thoughts. Try this article, and others. There are also guided audio meditations which may support. Remember that the goal is to make peace with your experience as it is, as it appears. Not to change anything or make anything go away.
Don’t let shame get in your way. It is not the truth of you, and what happened to you has nothing to do with the brilliance that you are and have always been. Shame also appears in you, just like the thoughts of the past. Stay grounded in yourself and committed to peace in the moments of your precious life.
Love to you…
Boom says
Thanks a lot again!
I see that i’m spreading a lot of anger. I’m dealing With a lot of unexpressed energy. A lot of stress. And the past rose up pretty fast. I read a lot of books about buddhism and practice a lot. But would like to don’t have these set back. Thank a lot for your great words of wisdom!
Gail Brenner says
Hi Boom,
The setbacks are opportunities. If you don’t resist them, you might be surprised at what they offer you. I love your good spirit and intention, and I wish you well.
Gina says
Great advice! Suppose childhood emotional abuse has continued throughout one’s life into adulthood, and is still continuing even at this moment? Then, how does one let it go and move passed it – without going “no contact.”
Gail Brenner says
Hi Gina,
Sometimes “no contact” is the best response. Find the wisest place inside you and ask what is needed. Listen bravely for the answer. Something in you knows the best course of action. Simply listen, and you will be shown the way.
In love and support…
Gina says
In a nutshell, mother with NPD, enabler father. Younger siblings were programmed and rewarded by both parents to mistreat the oldest sibling (target child). Family roles were terribly fouled up with a very chaotic family dynamic. An unhealthy codependency developed between siblings in loyalty to the NPD mother. Mother is very controlling, manipulative, etc.. Childhood was extremely disorganized, school wasn’t important, there wasn’t enough money and what there was – was used unwisely. Love was present, but not unconditionally, only if one played by the rules. I’m 59 years old and it’s all still going on today. Being I’m not a child anymore I will not allow it so there is constant conflict, drama, and tantrums to deal with which = STRESS. I also will not allow the misplaced blame to be placed on me anymore. There is also a Golden Child and Scapegoat issue; it’s quite complex. So, how does one keep their self-respect when they’re expected to allow others to treat them disrespectfully? The last decade it’s been as if I have PTSD in regards to this, it’s now affecting my sleep. I seriously fear getting an autoimmune disease from the stress this is causing in my life. I already have stress conditions. Going “no contact” doesn’t work, things become worse because there’s a strong gang mentality present. I crave and live the most peaceful life I can, I have a loving family of my own. I eat 90% organic, love to cook and bake. I love music and tending to my hummingbird and butterfly gardens and I do volunteer work. None of it seems to be enough to counter the extended family stress. I’ve read all the books. All suggestions are welcome – THANK YOU!!!
Gail Brenner says
Gina,
I am so happy for you that you find peace in loving your family, cooking, music, and simple things like your bummingbird and butterfly gardens. This is where life feeds you exactly what you need for your healing. If you continue to engage in this story around your family and all the drama it entails, you will continue to suffer. This is a guarantee. If you truly want to heal, have the courage to focus on your own happiness in every moment. And you may find that to be happy, peaceful, and content means not engaging with your family drama.
You are not a victim. You have choice over whether you engage or not, whether you experience stress or not. Take full responsibility for your happiness by beginning to focus on what is true, whole, real, and supportive in every moment. This is the way out of the pain and drama, which are optional. Take control by making conscious choices in every moment that support your happiness.
Being love, as love….
Gina says
Thank you for your reply Gail. I agree that we ourselves are responsible for our own happiness. I have been trying hard not to allow my extended family to negatively impact my life. If I don’t accept their cruelty I am ostracized and rejected by them. My mother makes it a point to rub salt in the wounds she calculatedly creates. She only calls to tell me about the wonderful times she had at family functions we’re not invited to, etc.. My children are ignored for their birthdays and holidays. Then, I’m told about how thoughtful they all are towards each other’s birthdays and holidays. It’s all being done with clear premeditation. The root of all this is quite absurd and delusional. I was my grandmother’s favorite. My entire family bonds on the belief they were all rejected by her, except for me. Not true. My mother believes her mother (my grandmother) never loved her. I got the love she was denied. My father used me as a pawn with my grandmother to stay on my mother’s best side. My sisters were constantly told I was grandma’s pet. My brothers were told they were hated by their grandmother. All lies and quite senseless for parents to do, however it built great resentments and rivalry in siblings towards me.
I have never considered myself a victim, but a survivor. I am SO fortunate that I had the love and support of a grandmother and aunt growing up; they provided me with the self-confidence and self-worth that I possess today. They were my saving grace. It’s why I would never accept the assigned role of scapegoat which is still trying to be pinned on me today. It’s been fierce battles my entire life not accepting that role. It actually made me Teflon strong and determined to be successful in my life. I am one of my parents’ children who turned out to be a productive part of society; their golden child is a disastrous disappointment and a huge part of the attack on me. The better I do the more I get attacked. The worse he does the more I am attacked. I have let them all know that the gig is up, and I have long changed by responses to their frequent attacks. Still they continue… I thought when I approached them on these things it would heal, but instead things got worse.
It’s impossible not to engage in my extended family drama because it’s perpetually ongoing. I’ve known deep inside for a long time that the answer is to go “no contact” with my whole family. It’s not easy, especially when I’m the one who always wanted the big family. It’s just hard to imagine that my own family and I will be alone; there is just the 4 of us. I’m a firstborn; healer by nature. I love to help others and host huge family gatherings and holiday, etc… I guess it’s time to move on and focus 100% on my own family’s happiness. Thank you…
Gail Brenner says
Life can be ruthless, Gina. You are being invited to investigate your most deeply held belief systems to see if they hold water. Wishing you the peace and clarity you long for…
Gina says
Gail, you hit the nail right on the head. I have a completely different belief system then my extended family – I like to live a peaceful and genuine life – and it doesn’t hold water with them. Since reading your advice I am more determined than before to get my peace back. Thank you!
Gail Brenner says
Good for you, Gina. If you hold any belief system as true, eventually the reality of things will clash with it. The healing is pure openness. Seeing and accepting things as they are because resistance (in the form of belief systems about how things are supposed to be) will only bring suffering. Beautiful journey to you…
Heather Fleshood says
my biological mother is currently engaged to a man that molested me flash raped me when I was a little girl I’m having a hard time letting go is that any ideas. she told me the day before yesterday that she loved him more and she would rather have him in her life in Maine I won’t lie as her child that is extremely hard to handle
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Heather. You will never find peace in this story. My suggestion would be to bring your attention always to your happiness in the moment. You will find that when you live in this story and make it your reality, you will suffer. Consider shifting your attention away from this story and to the presence that is here and available always. You are aware. And when you live as this awareness, you find that stories are just thoughts and feelings are physical sensations. Welcome all of this in the loving space of awareness. Let everything be, meaning don’t push it away or draw it in, and be the ease in which all arises.
Unsatisfying habits are driven by fear and lack. See if you can find in you what is whole, loving, and clear in you. Have the courage to live here.
Offering you love and support on your journey…
Patrick says
Wow. I’ve only been utilizing these guidelines for a few days and I’ve already noticed a difference in how I feel.
My Wife commented to me the night before last, “I’ve never seen you look so relaxed.”
Thank you for sharing this guidance, Dr. Brenner.
-Patrick.
Gail Brenner says
I’m so happy for you, Patrick! Once the insights start coming, real change is possible.
In love and support…
Lisa says
Thank you.
Melissa says
I have been trying to find the “secret” to let go of my pain. I lost my mom three years ago when she succumbed to lung cancer. My father moved on with a woman three months later I do not trust at all. We have had a horrible relationship ever since. He is a methadone addict and I am just starting to come to terms with that. Everyone tells me not to have any expectations because of his addiction, but I still feel like the little girl who wants her Daddy back, especially wants to develop a stronger relationship and fill the void of my mother.
I just want to truly let go. Move on with my life. Not stay in the past, I can’t change what happened. I know all of these tools. I probably could write a book myself. I am actually the one that everyone comes to for advice and I am screaming inside.
My husband is an optimist but he tired of hearing me whine about it because he wants me to move on as well.
I believe I can do this. It is mine and mine alone.
Thank you, Dr. Brenner. I’m glad I came across this site.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Melissa.
I also believe that you can move on, if you want to. For you, moving on means letting go of the fantasies you hold about “mother,” “father,” and “family.” When you take off the blinders, you see things as they actually are – with no filter. This may be painful, but it is true that the truth will set you free. If you continue to buy into the fantasy, you will be stuck. Know that seeing the truth is really the path to your happiness. Your fantasies will not be fulfilled, no matter how long you hold onto them. Be willing to be ruthlessly honest, which is a gift to yourself and everyone around you.
Sending love…
Melissa says
Thank you, Gail.
The fantasy is where I get stuck. What it was and never will be again…
Emma says
I have just googled – realizing your childhood has affected your life, and it brought me here. My mum has bipolar disorder, and has had major bouts of highs and lows since I was small, my dad was unloved as a child and has reminded me of this when I need him most, I havnt got the energy to write down all of the experinces I have felt, heard, seen and all of the support and care that I have craved and needed. It has broke up my relationships, been unable to bond with people and made me be unable to step out of the door. When I was nineteen I could have gone to university and made a good life for myself. Two years later I was in a phyciatric hospital, I was there because I coudnt stop drinking alcohol. I was then diagnosed with bipolar myself. I have never been “high” just suffered with depression. I had nobody to tell me any different so I have been taking medication since, that was 13 yaers ago, in that time I have had periods of stability but a lot of times things would crop up, it was only after helping my husband with depression that I realized I did not have bipolar, it was my childhood that had affected me sooooooooooo much. I am now talking to a counsellor and fully expressing my hurt, pain, loss, it is hard work. But for once in my life I am giving myself a break and I AM blaming other people. I have got so much anger for parents, you should not have children if you cannot look after them. I was a child. I needed looking after. I am told to forget about it and “don’t go there” “it is the past” I will move on, and I will not let it ruin my future, I just want to say, You cannot forget, let go,burry, anything. You have to fully,willingly, face a lot of anger and pain before you can move on, just saying a few hopeful positive words does not set you free, its hard work.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Emma.
Thank you so much for sharing the naked truth of your experience. A few hopeful, positive words is not enough, although they can support sometimes. I appreciate and honor the hard work you are doing by facing everything, including all the hard emotions.
I am so glad you are seeing a counsellor where you can unload and find a new perspective. It sounds like now you are beginning to see things more clearly as they actually are – who was responsible for what. I trust that this will help you find a sense of peace as you move forward.
You have such a fire for your healing, which is so inspiring. Although you will never forget, you are on the road to feeling whole and in control as you live the moments of your beautiful life.
Much love to you…
bubbleheart says
For the first time in years I realized something. Don’t know how I missed it earlier. It’s not my past that has been hurting me more. It’s the memories that I keep replaying on my mind. I just can’t seem to forgive myself. The guilt kills me each moment even today and it’s been like 17 whole years. I sometimes wish I had Alzheimer’s. Wouldn’t have to remember a thing. Then again someone would definitely remind me.
Gail Brenner says
This is an important insight, Bubbleheart. It isn’t what happened that is the problem now – it is the recurring thoughts in your mind. It’s a choice you’re making to stay a victim and keep punishing yourself.
Only you can decide when it’s time to forgive yourself. And forgiving yourself means refusing to keep this cycle of thoughts alive and well. How important is your quality of life – now, in this moment? What are you willing to do for happiness?
In love and support…
From an Australian says
Hi Gail. I am 20 years old, 21 in a few months. I broke up with my first boyfriend back in 2009. We went out for 2 years. I am now with the most amazing, incredible man on this Earth, but how can this be when I am still so stuck in the past? Its been 4 years nearly to the day, I still cry over him. I still hurt immensely, my heart burns. How do I stop this pain? I am in so so so much pain. I always try and take your viewpoints, I sometimes have small moments of clarity where all of a sudden I’m ok. But its always there, and all of a sudden I’ll be in tears again. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, I always have been. I wish I could see the purpose for our relationship, and why I hurt so badly. He has had quite a few girlfriends since me, he doesn’t feel the way I do. He once did, but only for a little while. What do I do? How do I stop this pain!!!!!! How?!?! Its been so long now, sometimes I’ll be perfectly fine. A few months later I’ll be in tears again. Why has he affected me so deeply? Our relationship ended mutually, but I still feel incredible guilt attached to our break up. We were still in school, I had to see him every day. Just after we broke up I got so distressed I even had to find him constantly in school. I wanted to fix the problem, which of course made it worse every time I tried. I am now almost finished my 3rd year of university. Why do I keep dwelling in the past about what could have been, should have been, and whether it could be again some day. My current boyfriend knows completely how I feel about this, but he tells me he’s not going anywhere, he hugs me and reassures me every single time. He is very involved in this process, he is there for me all the way. I of course feel like I don’t deserve him in the slightest, but he doesn’t see it that way at all.
What do I do? How do I get rid of the past? Im so afraid of letting go and what that means for me. A part of my heart doesn’t want to let go for fear of ruining my future chances with him. I don’t want or need any future chances with him though! I already have the relationship that everyone spends their entire lives looking for! My relationship with my current boyfriend is absolutely incredible. He is the most amazing person on this Earth. Why would I want anyone that’s not him? The past me still wants my ex. I now can never tell if its a past me or the present me.
Gail, I could write a thousand essays, all thousands and thousands of words long about this. I’ve barely skimmed it here. Please please reply.
From,
An Anonymous Australian
Gail Brenner says
Dear Australian,
First of all, calm down. Take a breath.
Your desperation says to me that you are looking for a magic answer to make this all better. Here it is: Choose peace in the moments of your precious life. There is nothing I can say that will help you until you begin to apply what you are learning here to your own direct experience.
When you find yourself caught in the whirlwind of these thoughts about the past, stop. Say, “no more.” Breathe. Do anything that gets you out of your head – run in place, yoga, breathing. Then choose happiness and peace. You will need to stop buying into this story that runs and focus on what is happening now. Don’t be a victim – don’t let yourself dwell on the unhappy past.
And be super honest with yourself. Is there something you can learn from the breakup? Where do you need to let go? Rather than getting caught in the drama, do the hard work. I know you have it in you. And there is a lot you can read in the archives here that may help.
You have support for your healing everywhere. Love to you…
Lisa says
Thank you for this post – for so long now I have kept on re-thinking my past and how I could have done things differently and all the ifs and buts. I only make things worse and bring up painful memories which I cannot do anything about now. I know I need to focus on the present and future and this post really helps realise how to do this. I think it is time for a fresh start to my thinking. Thank you.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Lisa.
It’s a turning point when you realize that how things are aren’t working for you. Who does it serve to rethink the past, with the if’s and but’s? The past is done and what happened happened. And if you keep focusing on it, you miss the splendor that is here and available now. You are allowed to let yourself off the hook and realize happiness now. Let your life flourish….
Susan says
I just want to thank you for this post. I discovered it just this evening, on the eve of my birthday, which has been very painful for me for as long as I can remember. This post is just the ticket to finally releasing all of the old hurt that I have dredged up year after year. It is the greatest gift I could have received this year. Thank you again.
Gail Brenner says
A warm and wonderful birthday to you, Susan! Yes! to releasing the old hurt, and Yes! to living in this gift of release.
Much love to you…
Pat says
I have done many things in my teens and early 20s that I sincerely regret and am now heavily disgusted by. I have broken the law numerous times, I have imposed my will on others, and I have acted in selfish indulgence. I have made peace (as far as I know) with the individuals I have committed these unspeakable acts with, and I have long since developed as a human being. I now consider myself to be the polar opposite of the person that I used to be when I was acting in such brash manners. I now cherish humanity, voluntarism, and the thoughts/feelings of others solely before my own; I strive to act in selflessness. The past few years for various reasons have transformed my thought process on a vary deep and emotional level. The problem is that I am now stuck with the comparison of the hideous acts of the past with my current mindset, and it is too much to bare. The pain and grief has been so great that I have even contemplated taking my own life on many occasions – the thing that stops me is that I can’t change the past, and I still have a lot of life left to do good in the world and unto others. I just can’t seem to leave the disgusting acts of my past behind me. It’s so hard to hang on.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for your comment, Pat.
It sounds like what you have done in the past has not been left in the past. It is recycling around in your mind now causing all kinds of trouble.
As you relate, you have made so many positive, beautiful changes, and I salute you for that, especially making peace with the individuals who were mistreated by you. Now you get to decide when you want to make peace with yourself. I hear your reasons for not taking your life – that you still have a lot of good to do – so it seems like your life is moving forward positively.
Do you feel you need to keep punishing yourself? Are you afraid you will forget what happened if you don’t keep thinking about it? Do you think you don’t deserve to be happy and peaceful? Something is hooking you into these memories, and when you discover what it is, you can make the choice to let go.
Comparison of any kind is never fulfilling because it is about separation. What is being asked of you is for your heart to open fully to yourself – all of yourself. As you have compassion for the “victims,” may you also have compassion for yourself, since some kind of pain motivated you to commit these acts. You are not that one anymore. Let him go in your mind and live as the one who is caring and selfless, for you and for everyone else.
Pat says
Gail,
I sincerely appreciate the response; it definitely helps. I think my number one issue with this is that I realize the person I am now – the person I want to live as and embrace, and I look at my past and say “How do you deserve this great life, this happiness for yourself when you have wronged others the way you have?”. As you may have guessed, the things I have done went unreported – nothing became of them. I often wonder how everyone else would feel about me if they knew the scope of some of my past actions, and that really bothers me. I feel almost depersonalized to who I am now because I have a hard time accepting who I am now bearing the past. It’s almost as if I feel I deserve grave punishment. Everyone involved is moving on with their lives except for me.
I am not afraid that I will forget what I have done since I know that who I am today is a result of that. These things happened years ago, and I am most likely the only one on the planet thinking about them.
All the best,
Pat
Gail Brenner says
Sometimes we go through the fire, Pat, and it sounds like you have used well the situations that occurred in the past for your transformation.
All best wishes to you…
robert reeves says
Wow this was truly eye opening ,you saved my life tonight
I was asking God for answers and I found them in your article truly in inspiring. Thank you
Gail Brenner says
I’m so glad you found what you needed, Robert. Love to you…
gracie green says
Thank you Gail,
This article has moved me along with the one about the Phoenix. I have realized that I’m creating my own sadness by replaying the stories over and over in my head. It will be a challenge, but I’m willing to do the work. I deserve to be free, to be happy. My children deserve a happy mom. Still tired of crying!
Gail Brenner says
You have infinite support for finding your way through this suffering, Gracie. Yes, only you can create sadness, which is great news. You also have the power to not let it be what consumes you. You are already free, and you deserve to know that consciously in your own experience – and for your children.
Happiness is right here, always available to be discovered. If you think there’s a well of pain inside you, let it be filled up in happiness, love, and support. In any moment, a shift of attention is all it takes.
Love to you…
drew says
Hi
I became obsessed with genealogy and dead relatives. Thinking about it all of my free time. Found myseld dwelling on family members long dead before I was born or who died when I was a child. Finally, gave it all up. I feel so stupid for not concentrating on the living and those close to me.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Drew,
Spending your precious time and energy feeling stupid is the same as focusing so much on your relatives who are gone. They both distract you from what’s here and available now.
You gave it all up to be here in this moment! Right now you can meet your loved ones with fresh eyes. You can welcome yourself into the land of the living and rejoice here. Let all of the past be, and maybe you can simply enjoy yourself.
With love to you…
ash says
I’m so thankful to you for this.
I”m taking a print-out and keeping it on my dresser so that I may re-read this and emerge out of my emotional turmoil.
Thank you dear for writing this ♥
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for sharing your comment, Ash. May you emerge out of your emotional turmoil light, fresh, and available to the now.
Lali says
Your blog really touched my nerve – I am really suffering from painful memories of the past because I still cannot escape the circumstances fully. So there are constant reminders of the past. However your blog gives me hope I can still take control and not let my thoughts of the past hurt me now and to take pleasure from other positive things I have. Thank you – and I look forward to reading the rest of your blogs.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, that’s it, Lali. You can take control and not let the thoughts about the past hurt you. They are just word forms that appear, so you can let them float past you without landing. Meanwhile, you recognize what is positive and working in your life. The beauty is here – all around you.
A Rost says
I know this is a few years old but THANK YOU!!! I was overwhelmed by how accurate and relatable these topic points are; especially the quotes in #7. I have a major problem getting over very petty moments in my life which realistically have 0 impact on my life today. This helped tremendously. Thanks again!!!
Gail Brenner says
Hi AR,
You’re never too late, so thanks so much for taking the time to comment.
The quotes in #7 are about the excuses we tell ourselves that prevent us from taking responsibility for our own healing, such as: “I feel justified in staying stuck because I was wronged.”
As I’m sure you know in your own experience, buying into these beliefs does nothing but keep us stuck and unhappy. Healing from the past is all about being empowered, taking the bull by the horns, and getting serious about your happiness. It doesn’t matter what it means for others or the effect on them. That’s not your business.
But your happiness? Bring your attention there and things will shift.
I’m so glad you found this article helpful.
Saesha Khan says
Thank you so much for this post 🙂 Just when I’m going through a difficult phase yet have lots of support, its still difficult for me to let go of the painful memories that keep reminding me of my bad judgement or the fear of my mistakes coming to haunt me is so great or questions to which I don’t have closure..I needed to read about the disengaging process above and be fully present in the moment…to just be able to feel myself and aware again…keep up the good work!
Gail Brenner says
It’s absolutely possible to disengage from the pain, Saesha. Yes, feel yourself as you are in your natural, innocent state – aware and alive!
S says
I’m from Sweden actually, and i googled how to let of the past, and then i found you!
I really enjoyed reading everything.
But I have a question for you..
Me and my ex boyfriend were together for about 2 years. Everything went perfect, we communicuted well, had strong feelings, and on the top he was my best friend.
About 2 years in the relationship, things started to get a on a bad note. He’s father died. We are both 21 so he died pretty young, and i can just imagine how hard it most be. After he’s father died my ex didnt want to talk about his feelings. he just becamed really trapped. So he struggeld with his depression over his fathers dead, and i had my depression as well. He had to break up because he said he just couldnt handel to be in a relationship, because he cant be there for both of us. he just need to focus on himself.
So… We are not together now, but we both want to start again later. After the break up, he keeped repeating: Its very important that you dont hold on to those bad things that happend between us lately, dont hold on to the old things. And I dont want you to have any hope with getting back together with me because hope means not letting go of the past.
He is so stuck on this thought of letting go. He means that this is the key to start all over again. If i cant let go of the past, we cant be in a relationship again.
You might understand this better than me, It would be very hopeful with some help from you 🙂 (PS: Sorry my bad english, hope you understand!)
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, S. My suggestion to you would be to walk your own path and discover peace and happiness within yourself. You do that by letting go of everything – things that happened in the past so you don’t carry them around, anxieties, even the need for a relationship. Then you are here, present, and available for what life offers you.
If you hold onto what happened in the past, it is still alive now in your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Letting go of it all means you are fresh in this precious moment. Then you go forth and enjoy yourself…
Anthony says
Hi
I had a Girfriend of 5 months. We broke up in March,2014. She was looking to get married and was seeing someone financially very strong. I am average in terms on money. She dumped me and started seeing a guy. I contacted her last in March, since then we have not spoken. I still feel the pain as I am single and she seems to be very happy and unaffected- as she did not try to contact me even once. We are in same office, i see her everyday, but we both ignore each other. I feel very frustrated and sad. Please suggest.
Thanks
Gail Brenner says
Hi Anthony,
If you look clearly at the facts of your situation, what to do becomes obvious. She is dating someone else, she seems to be happy, she hasn’t tried to contact you, and she doesn’t speak to you when she sees you. Have an honest talk with yourself and realize that she’s not the one for you. I’m sure you want to be with someone who really wants to be with you. Go out and find her, and in the meantime, do your own inner work to make yourself into the best partner possible who the right woman will want to be with.
Things don’t always go the way we want them to, but now you have the opportunity to find the right match for you.
Edna Gaytan says
Thank you, for this post has made a shift on my perspective for good. I always hold on to my past, used the pain and unwanted ugly feelings to have a better life, be a stronger person but I have realized holding on has done me more damage than good. I have to accept my past, make peace with it, learn from the it and keep moving foward and live in theppresent.
Gail Brenner says
This is so great, Edna! It’s transformative to realize that holding on doesn’t work. It’s up to you to make peace with your thoughts and feelings about what happened in the past. Then your energy is free and you’re available to experience life as it unfolds.
Sheila says
This is great for those who have been wronged, but my problem is all the people I have hurt over the years. My skeletons and ghosts. 🙁 Just when I was doing good and on a good path, I blew it all over and hurt people I love terribly. Any suggestions? I feel like a disgrace and failure. Kept trying to live it down and thought I had beat the wrap (nothing that put me in prison, but embarrassing and shameful). I have felt like changing my name & looks so that I could hide, but I can’t. There is nowhere to hide from my past. 🙁 Thank you.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sheila,
I hear you, Sheila, and appreciate your honesty. Hiding from your past will never work because it will somehow keep nipping at your heels.
A few points: It doesn’t make you a bad person to let go of what happened and move on and be happy. Fully admit what you did, even if you weren’t conscious about your choices at the time. Make apologies to people if possible and express your regrets about how you acted. If the people aren’t available, write a letter that you don’t send or even imagine the people who were hurt sitting in a chair next to you and speak your apology from your heart. Take your time with this.
Then see if you can have compassion for who you were at that time. You did the best you could do then. If you could have done better, you would have. Realize that you were confused – you were, otherwise you wouldn’t have done what you did. Be kind in your heart to that confused one.
See what you can learn from your behavior, so what happened then serves you and others moving forward. How can you handle things differently now? What have you learned from that experience that helps you to be kinder and more compassionate now? How has that experience changed you? Live those changes in your day to day life now. Let what happened then affect you now in a positive way.
Then it’s time to move on. See who you are – not just the one who hurt other people, but realize all that you are now. When you focus just on what happened in the past, you aren’t seeing things accurately.
Open your heart to yourself and let yourself heal. It serves no one to hold onto the identity of being a disgrace and failure. Let your heart open endlessly to everyone, and rise up to be more aligned with your truth as a result of what happened.
There is a beautiful possibility of letting go waiting for you. When you let go of letting these stories define you, you realize that you can be free. You deserve to be happy just like everyone else. It’s OK to stop punishing yourself so you can live.
Sending love and support to you…feel free to let me know how it goes…
S says
Thank you, Gail. There is so much more…. I was finally in a good place in my life when my spouse was diagnosed with stage IV cancer (he has had several cancers we have lived through, thank God, but this one felt like the end). I went into denial. I couldn’t cry but needed desperately to. I wanted our life to get better & cancer came back. I blocked it out of my mind and regressed/tried to hide (denial and anger). I was getting old and life was happening around me. He is miserable and disappointed in me (I can’t blame him). I labeled him dead when they told us the prognosis, even though he was ready to do what needed to be done & did survive. I was awful and hurt people trying to hide from the pain/reality. I think of ending my life at times & so has he. Life isn’t worth living anymore. I’m so ashamed of myself. I am middle aged, not a child. So ashamed of myself/life, just when I was coming clean and being brave and real. Took off the mask only to put on a stupid/painful one that does not fit. You roll with things and I didn’t. I wanted to get through/around/it and hurt so many. I’m so sorry. I was not normal/myself and it makes me sad because that was not how I am or how I feel. I love him and was desperately sad & it felt like the end of the world. I went into denial. 🙁
Gail Brenner says
It sounds to me like you were scared – of pain, of losing him, of your own mortality – resisting what was happening, and as a result treated him and others in ways you feel ashamed about. I really hear the pain you are in about this. But for you to begin to find your way out, you start taking responsibility for it. And this includes what I said in my other response: apologize, make amends, explain why you did what you did and why you will be different now, then act that way to gain others’ trust. You can turn it all around – in your inner and outer worlds – as soon as you decide to.
Then have compassion for you – the one who was scared and the one now who is ashamed.
You can live in this story forever, or you can begin your healing. It’s amazing that we have this choice!
S says
Thank you, Gail. That’s exactly what it was. It’s a hard thing to try to explain to his family. I hope that some people understand.
Gail Brenner says
Say what’s true for you, then let your actions speak, S. Love to you…
Universe Guardian says
I think I need help….I’ve had a sceniro for years now. Very complicated but true. Ur paper is very good…you talk about awareness of feelings in which I’m completely….what do you do if the other party involved disassociates themselves into denial, mixed messages received, on and off moments. I’m tired of the wheels of this emotion. How do you pin down the person to spend time to speak to them?
Gail Brenner says
I appreciate your question, UG. And here’s the truth: what I’ve discovered is that you can’t make anyone do anything. So you can’t pin them down, and you can’t make them listen to what you have to say.
So what to do instead? Focus on things you can control, which is how you relate to your own emotions. You get triggered by this other person’s denial and mixed messages. The goal is not to change them (impossible), but to come to peace within yourself and welcome your own feelings. Let this other person go, and know that you can discover happiness within yourself. Once you’re not attached, anything can happen. But trying to control the uncontrollable is a set up for your suffering.
I understand you’re wanting to express yourself, but my experience is that these conversations never go the way we want them to anyway. So maybe this conversation isn’t as necessary as you think it is. Heal yourself from within, and all will be well.
Abhinav Garg says
hello Gail,
I really liked your post and i will try to implement everything you’ve written in my life… I’ve been so messed up from past one year because i feel so guilty for the things i ve done in past… I am just not able to let go of them.. They keep haunting me… Troubling me and I keep telling myself “how could i ve done that?.. wtf was i thinking?”.. i didn’t realize it then.. I love a girl.. We were in a relationship for 3 years and she broke up….why? because i hurt her.. i got so possessive over her that i hit her thrice.. i didn’t treat her good.. i know i should have.. and i keep regretting it now.. It has been a year since the break up but she is not ready to talk still.. She says she is happy without me.. Though she puts the blame on me that she wont be able to love anyone else now..it was then that i decided that i will punish myself for what I’ve done.. i tried to kill myself for which i was hospitalised for 4 months.. And now after coming out of the hospital i’m clueless.. What should i do??.. i still feel so guilty.. i am not able to face her now.. we are in the same college and i ve stopped going to college now just because i cant face her.. she has done extremely well with her life after the break up.. and i ended up being nothing else but a looser.. i cant look at myself in the mirror.. I’m not proud of myself.. Please suggest me something
PS- I’m 20 years of age. 😐
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for your comment and question, Abhinav. I hear the pain you express, and I also see that you are in a wonderful place for a fresh start. You say you’re not proud of yourself. Now is the time to contemplate within yourself how to be with yourself and others so that you are proud of yourself.
Deeply learn from these experiences you describe. Understand why you did what you did so that you can heal and it doesn’t happen again. Know the tendency in you to feel possessive and find healthy ways to deal with it. There is the possibility for tremendous growth for you. What kind of man do you want to be? How do you want to treat women – and men? How do you want to feel when you look in the mirror? Orient your life toward making the answers to these questions your living reality.
I’m glad that the girl you were with is happy, and it is up to her now to do the work she needs to do so that she can love again. But you need to let her go. She is moving on with her life, and I would suggest that you not interfere with that. You might find it helpful to apologize – NOT to her personally or in a letter – but only within yourself. Take out a photo of her and say what is in your heart about your feelings about how you treated her. Or write a letter that you never send. But have the experience within yourself of taking responsibility and saying the words of regret and apology. And if you see her, respect her need to not interact with you. Simply walk away and then tell yourself inside that you will be OK.
After that, move on. It doesn’t help anyone to keep punishing yourself. Decide what is important to you and follow through. Be trustworthy as a man, a friend, a son and brother. Treat everyone from an open heart so they know that you are kind. Decide what you would like to do regarding your education, and make it happen. Your actions are what matters.
Everyone messes up. These experiences serve when we learn from them. So what can you learn? Let your life be a living testimony of wisdom, heart, and integrity.
Shabaz Athar says
Living in the past will give you more pain….. I heard this from Japanese Friend of mine. Thank you very much for your post. I mean it lot
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for stopping by, Shabaz! Wishing you well…
Jennifer Twardowski says
LOVE this post! There’s so many things that you pointed out here that I know but very much so needed the reminder! Thank you SO much for sharing! I’m sure I’ll check back to this post again just to get that added reminder as needed. 🙂
Gail Brenner says
Thanks, Jennifer. Glad you found it helpful!
Sam says
I’ve had a very hard time letting go of the past and what could have been so much so it interferes with my present life. I didn’t have the best college experience or best friends and this was for several reasons one being I was not assertive or confident. I was quiet and shy. I suppose regrets come from feeling dissatisfied from your life and with Facebook and seeing more confident peers go on to achieve their goals and lead happy lives it’s hard not to think I could have been like that had I made decisions from a place of confidence. I am happier in my life today but I often find that when I think of my college years I feel deep regret. I try not to think about it but my good times instead but it’s hard to totally let go. Also college is one of those experiences where new friends may bring it up. Another point of contention for me is that my personal issues resulted in me not achieving my academic potential and thereby not getting into the college of my choice and going to an average one. I can’t change the facts unfortunately. Glad I found your site. I find mindfulness meditation really helps me stay in the present.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Sam! I appreciate your comment, and I’m sure others can relate.
You have the insight that staying in the present is what helps, and I’m so glad you are happier now! It sounds like your thoughts are about comparing – comparing you with your peers, comparing how you are now with how things could have been. And these comparing thoughts feed the regret you feel.
Healing comes from the deepest acceptance of what is. Without comparing, can you allow things to be as they are? And can you move forward from there? Let the past be in the past. Then here you are – living fully now.
Rus Thomas says
Thank you dear sister for posting this. it was beautiful and enlightening and i’m glad i came across it.
safi says
I have a very hard time letting go of an affair, i recently had. It was nothing more for me then just something that made me curious. She is btw married. the whole thing started on a physical level at first. We didn’t see each other like everyday but we were always in contact first thing in the morning and the last at night. She was into me and i was into her, she will told me a lot about her life, her kids, her past, we hung out and everything was great until i told her i felt about her. She then gradually started backing down and told me that she can’t do this anymore. Now I’m devastated, i can’t think anything but her and our conversation and times together. Its getting pretty bad for i can’t focus on anything, i’m very depressed and lost i try telling myself that she was never mine and i need to let her go but its not working. I have lost a ton of weight because of the break up and in dire need of help.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for leaving our comment, Safi. I hear you saying that you are in dire need of help, and not the kind of help I can give you in a sentence or two. Something about this situation is stuck in you, and it is a huge opportunity for you to find out what it is. You are grieving a loss, which often involves strong, painful feelings. Facing these feelings directly may be helpful so you can, from your heart, say “thank you” and let her go.
I recommend that you get some outside help. It could be a counselor in your local area, a wise friend or relative, or someone else you trust. I encourage you to address your reaction so that you can move on and begin to enjoy life again, which is what you deserve.
Gail Brenner says
Safi, this is another post of mine that might help.
https://gailbrenner.com/2011/01/coping-with-challenging-life-circumstances/
jewels says
I am having such trouble it hurts so bad i had this guy who was my bestfriend for 2 years he is very in love with me but he has had sexual relations with other females just a week before we got together it causes are relationship problems because it hurts me every day that he said he was in love with me yet still had sexual relations at this time i.just wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with him i wish none of this would have happen i need help to get over this past so we can be happy and move foward with each other.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Jewels,
It sounds like it’s time to get very wise with yourself and start listening to your inner wisdom. Just stop, take a breath, and check in to see what is really right for you. If you’re not ready to be in a relationship with someone, there’s no need to move forward. Stay centered within yourself, with what is good for you and what you want, and take very good care of yourself always.
Brittany says
The funny part after reading this is that I have never bought or really worn clothes that fit, literally. It has been something I have avoided and it has become true in the non-literal sense as well if I truly reflect. With no idea of what I was waiting for or why, it definitely triggers a small sense of fear. Fear of what? I have no idea, still working on that one. My mind like my body are in some sort of despair. Maybe not despair, but something that is limiting my current happiness. At least that, I can feel.
Thank you for your blog Ms. Brenner.
Gail Brenner says
This is a beautiful starting point, Brittany, to realize that something is limiting your happiness. I hear that literally, and maybe figuratively, your clothes don’t fit. How can you step into being more in alignment with yourself and what you want? Can you meet this despair/fear with your loving, open attention.
This is fierce and lovely journey you are on. In love and support….
jewels says
I.am more then ready i just need advice on how to keep the past in the past it causes problems because i always bring the past up.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Jewels,
Pay close attention to your thoughts and feelings as this is where the past, which is gone, stays alive in your experience. If the thoughts run wild and the feelings remain unexplored, this is where you get stuck. Honor your experience but don’t let these thoughts and feelings guide you – act from the deepest place of wisdom in you.
There is a ton of information on this site about how to approach troublesome thoughts and feelings. Have a look at the archives, and when you read something that resonates, stop and experiment, integrate it into your own experience. This is a process – and beautiful journey – that ignites your power.
Thomas says
I have been with the same woman since we were 18 years old. We have been married for two of them. She had two boyfriends before me. I have never been good about getting over her past, she never fully gave herself to either of them but did more making-out and grabbing etc. She even told one of them that she loves them. All this hurts me really bad and I can’t get over it. Day in and day out I ask her questions about her past and this always ends in fight. I know I need to get over it because you can’t change the past but I am having a really hard time. I know I love her but it hurts me that she was with these other guys. I have been seeing someone about this but the thoughts are still popping up in my head and I am still asking my questions.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Thomas,
You may need to courageously and lovingly meet the feelings that are behind these thoughts. The idea is not to get rid of the thoughts – because this is impossible. They may go away, but don’t make this your goal. Instead, change your relationship to them. I talk a lot about that in this article.
And when a thought tsunami comes, know that it is propelled by feelings. So see what they are and bring the deepest acceptance to them.
S says
Good piece I’ll need to read several times. I am really struggling in this area. Was married 21 years. After much volatility and the start of violent behavior I made my husband leave for what I thought would be a short time. He stayed away for a year, sabatoged marriage counseling and basically was drunk and unemployed. Came back and them decided I wasn’t grateful enough to have him back so he got his rich parents to buy him a townhouse to live in and waited fore to file for divorce. I knew he would take me to cleaners and prayed he would have a change of heart. Even tried to get him in marriage counseling again. 7 years and a lot of heartache later I filed and he has caused huge financial date to me. Now he’s actually making good money and going off on trips etc. I’m a Christian and know vengeance is the Lord’s but this is so hurtful, sickening and frustrating. I don’t think it’s good for my kids to have seen such a sloth mooch off of me and then live the high life. And I don’t feel just betrayed by him but by his parents too. If you have more advice I’m all ears.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for writing, S.
The advice I have is what’s included in this article, along with much more information about getting unstuck and emotions in the archives. There is so much here that can be helpful to you. Take in the points in the article and apply them to your own experience. There’s no magic fix.
#6: Recognizing when you’re repeating these frustrating stories in your mind, taking a breath, and refocusing your attention elsewhere.
#5: Taking responsibility for your own choices and letting go of blaming – blaming others will always keep you stuck
#1: Lovingly face and meet your own difficult feelings – anger, bitterness, sadness. Not blaming others for these feelings, but accepting that they’re present and learning how to just feel them – without the story.
Be on fire for your own healing by being willing to change your whole perspective and your relationship to your own feelings. In my experience, that is the path to freedom.
julie swanson says
To meet my own difficult feelings hit me like a ton of bricks. I am constantly talking about how two “horrific” auto accidents have ruined my life! And I constantly have to tell my “horrific” story to every person (even medical profession) before I finally get to my issue! I realize now; me telling my story is not helping me “move on” from my “horrific” state of mind! I have reread my comment; went back and emphasized “horrific.” Why is it so important I express the nature of accident?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Julie,
My guess is that you haven’t fully met all your feelings about these accidents. You tell the horrific story so that you can avoid feeling what is actually happening in you. At some point when you’re ready, see if you can stop telling the story, which means moving your attention away from your thoughts. Then breathe and be in your body. Make space for the emotions you feel. Let them arise, be, and move through. You may need to do this over and over.
As I’ve said to others here, if this feels too overwhelming, work with a counselor who can support you. You may find that some of the audios on this site are helpful as well, which you can find here.
P says
I have been married to my husband for 8 years, together for 15 years since I was 17 and he was 20. I had a rough childhood and my mother kicked me out when I was 15, I lived with my cousin and then at 17 moved in with M(now husband) and his family. We eventually got our own place together, we were young and he may have had an innocent fling and me too but we were young and moved on because we were in love. At age 20 I was diagnosed with cancer, he was by my side throughout my treatment and I honestly don’t think I could of gotten through it without him by my side. After my cancer treatments were over and I was cleared by the doctors I had an affair with my ex boyfriend. M forgave me and we moved forward, he proposed later that year and I said “Yes”. I felt like we were starting a new chapter in our lives. Later that year we found out we were pregnant with our son, we had him and got married the following year. Just the 2 of us went to an island and got married, it was perfect we were so happy to start our family. We bought a home, had good jobs, all good things. We had our 2nd child 4 years ago and I have felt completely content great husband, perfect kids. I was so happy to go to work and come home to care for them, always cooking, cleaning, trying to do it all. My husband has his ups and downs, he would always get a little depressed once in a while, but he would blame work or of course the not enought sex, never enough sex for him! We would talk fix the sex part untill the next time it came up. He never wanted to change jobs because he was worried he would never make enough to support us. Just this past year around Easter he started pushing me away and saying things I’ve never heard before, like I want you to promise you will be my best friend forever regardless of what happens to us, he used to only talk about me and him/our family forever. He started to tell the kids that daddy will always be here for them even if mom and dad aren’t together. I asked why he was depressed, reached out to his friends, asked if he was having an affair and he denied it, but kept pushing me away at the same time telling me he was in love with me. I cried everyday for months and he watched me and lied to me. Turns out he was having an affair for about 2 months, I felt like this is the end this is what he was preparing me for. I just felt numb, how could my husband, soulmate, best friend, my everything betray me and our children like this. I heard conversations he was having and I felt like I don’t know this man, he isn’t the same person I fell in love with and married. He said he wasn’t happy and I didn’t make hi feel attractive or wanted, this affair made him happy. He now wants to fix us and get our family back, it’s been constant ups and downs the past 3 months since I’ve known. We currently seperated, he says this is what he wants and will do anything to get me back, but I don’t see anything. I want to feel special again, wanted, beautiful. All we do is argue and point fingers about the past flaws in our relationship. I don’t know how to move forward and heal. I thought time apart would help but it just leaves me alone, depressed, womdering what direction my life is going , and worst wondering what he is doing, if he isn;t calling or texting me then is he texting her. I would of bet my life on him never doing this to me. Please help if you have any advice. I know we both love eachother but I just wonder if we can move forward. I feel like my mind is my own worst enemy.
Thanks,
P
Gail Brenner says
You will never find relief in this ongoing story, P. You must go directly to your own thoughts and feelings. Feel the feeling, and realize that you are so much bigger than them. Then you can begin to tap into the wisdom in you that can intelligently guide you.
As I said to someone else here, I have written about these topics many times, and you can find these articles in the archives. I can only guide. The true healing comes when you get serious about letting go of the story and welcoming your own emotional reactions. Be fully open and present to your own in-the-moment experience. This is where you’ll discover peace.
Stephanie says
I need help letting go of pain. I know that sounds very broad. I feel so weighted. I don’t know what it’s like to be freely happy. I am 35 and never really accomplished or finished anything. Ive had issues with debilitating anxiety and very low self esteem. I am easily hurt and withdrawal easily. I get caught up in the past a lot. I have a hard time with the loss of my grandparents. I have an ailing father and can’t separate the sadness I feel in regards to how he chooses to live his life with my own life. I feel like I am in mourning for the man he used to be but he’s never been perfect (not that anyone is). He was an alcoholic when I was young so my home life was very rocky and lonely as an long child. And his drinking has never stopped. I just want to separate all the pain from ME. I have no idea who I am and I hate it. Anything can hit me like a ton of bricks and I get upset and withdraw. I want to be mentally and emotionally healthy, happy and FREE. I want the past to be in the past.
Any help would be great. Thank you
Gail Brenner says
Hi Stephanie,
Somehow you found your way to this post that is about 10 insights and tools that you can apply to your own situation to begin to be free of the past. This IS the help that I can offer. Read each one and apply it to your own experience. Take your time to see beyond the story of what happened. Take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings – and your own healing.
I have written about these topics many times, and you can find these articles in the archives. I can only guide. The true healing comes when you get serious about letting go of the story and welcoming your own emotional reactions. Be fully open and present to your own in-the-moment experience. This is where you’ll discover peace.
Steve-O says
I’ve been struggling with anxiety my whole life, and while I thought I had gotten over it, it came (brutally) back into play not long ago. You see, I’m an English teacher living and working in Japan. Last week, I had a class go terribly, and my anxiety came back into play. Worst of all: a student who otherwise liked me (as in LIKED me – she gave me her email so we could meet up for dinner) now wants nothing to do with me (and was actually ANNOYED with me during class). I’m absolutely devastated, as I thought this was over with – not to mention, I’m living in a small town, and find it difficult to meet other people. Letting go – despite all my reading on the subject – is not easy
Gail Brenner says
This calls for you to be very kind to yourself right now, Steve-O. It sounds like you have had some success dealing with your anxiety in the past, so maybe you can put into action the things that helped you before.
I know it’s very difficult to be with the painful feelings around this incident, but they are there. Can you be with them the way you would with a child who is hurting? Can you say soothing statements to yourself when these feelings are present? Take time out and do things you enjoy. Find one person who feels safe to you, maybe a stranger, and look them in the eye and say hello, just for a few seconds. Slow down, breathe, and help yourself to feel safe again.
Thanks for writing here. Sending support to you…
Sandy says
I have experienced the worst feelings in my life and now I am hurting to find out the person I cared about is a kleptomaniac. And has seriosly hurt me. Now I am having to deal with the pain. And he is telling me he is sorry. The sorry is not enough anymore. And I want hime to undo everything he has done. And someone told me what would be a successfully undoing. I have seriously thinking about that. Also I have to deal with my emotions which have become numb.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sandy,
You might want to consider if this is a person you want in your life. If not, have the courage to move on. Yes, sorry is often not enough. The person saying sorry also needs to be committed to a change in behavior so you can trust again.
Jaslyn K. says
Thank you so much so share these facts. 😉 Being a young mother myself, I met a wrong man in my life and since then I couldn’t forgive myself for this failed marriage. I hide my wounds and refuse to accept the fact that I had made wrong choices in life and each time I remember the details, my anxiety got worse. I tried hard to suppress my emotions and opening myself up is so painful. Do I really have to open up my wounds before I can heal my past?
Gail Brenner says
I don’t know if you have to open the wounds, Jaslyn. That is so painful! But I wonder if suppressing your emotions and refusing to accept responsibility for your choices is working for you. If not, then the other way is to say “yes” to what happened and welcome the emotions into a loving aware space to let them be seen. There is a saying: “the only way out is through.” And I know in my own experience that this is true. I have experienced tremendous freedom – and relief – from allowing painful emotions to be felt, seen, and experienced. It takes a lot of energy to resist the truth.
It sounds like you are terrified of being with the truth of your experience, but there’s a part of you that knows this is the best thing to do. Maybe you can start by meeting this fear with loving openness. You can read about befriending fear here. There is also more about fear in the archives of this site. Also, working with a counselor in your local area may help you have support as you peak into what you’ve been avoiding.
Trina says
Ive been married for 32yrs and have 4 adult children. When I married my husband I was not accepted by his family. I live opposite them on our farm. My past emotional hurt keeps arising and I have been to therapy but find triggersnoccur on a n almost daily basis. An example of this would be my husband spending everyday running around for his aging father (he is a great son) dropping work and the 3 hours a week we are meant to spend a week together without hestitation. Yet my husband never has done anything for me. When i was in premature labour he was too bust to take me to hospital. Instead his mother took me. I go yon holidays by myself as he is too busy. I dont go to important family events on my side of the family because he is too busy. Everytime his dad rings he is wanting my husband to do stuff. I stew inside and feel hurt ..so deeply hurt that i get angry…following this i then feel like a mean horrible person and then feel guilty…We no longer really have a relationship…he tells me he loves mebut i just feel nothing anymore..and I dont ask him for anythjng..as he is always so tired …ive spent the years caring for him and my eldest daughter who has a disability, his mother but have distanced myself from his father for fear of screaming my feelings at him……I want freedom from these negative thoughts and triggers…i want to move past this misery .. and be happy..
Gail Brenner says
Hi Trina,
Great that you want freedom from negative thoughts and want to move past the misery. So when you’re ready, put this whole story aside and follow the points in this post. Take each one in and start to apply it to your own experience in the moment as your life unfolds. This would be an excellent beginning for you. Wishing you well on this journey…
Sally says
I needed this. Thank you. It’s crazy how just changing the thought will change the emotion.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Sally. Our thoughts are unreliable, so better not to trust them. Then emotions are free to come and go.
kishor says
I am in love wid a girl for more dan 3 years and she was my bestie from childhood and later on turned up to love..she got caught in her house and her parents are opposing her to core and blackmiling emotionally that they will harm me and she is scared of that and she is avoiding me at present..but the past we had could never be explained in words..we were living for each other mentally everyday right from morning till sleep..I several times think that its all over n my love is burried and i think to move on but our love is stopping me and pulling me back..I get lots of positive support and advices from my parents and friends and now they all are tired in process of making me change n live happily but am still dying daily eid her thoughts hoping tat she turns up one day…what shld i do to make myself move on happily..nothing is impossible wch i knw but really am nt able to forget her and my love..
Thank you
Gail Brenner says
Take it day by day, Kishor. Make commitment within yourself for your own peace and happiness. Then walk through the steps in this post and apply them to your own experience. Once you are truly ready to move on, take every moment and figure out how to make it a better one.
RN says
Hi Gail,
I was with my ex boyfriend from 2008. it was literally love at first site for the both of us. We were together for 3 years but i knew i was wrong because i was already committed to someone (not yet married) but i couldnt help how i felt for this man. it was the best time of my life. We broke up last year as i was trying to behave sour and get out of this relationship before i hurt him. My husband (now) and i were having a long distance relationship. I just couldnt help myself as i had never felt like that before. I got married this year and its been almost 2 years since i broke up with my ex boyfriend and i cant let go. He doesnt bother to contact me at all … i message him like hes my online journal just to make myself feel better that hes still in the picture. 3 months and i havent got a single response from him. I dont know if im suffering from a heartbreak or why i cant let go of my ex boyfriend. I thought i was over him until recently i cant get him out of my head or my heart. Its been so long since ive seen him and not a day goes by that i dont think about him. I feel like hes ruined me emotionally although this entire thing was my fault. I just dont understand how I can still be stuck on him. My marriage was having troubles for the first couple of months; but i felt like maybe because i am still emotionally attached to my ex boyfriend. I need some tips on how i can get through this. I feel like an emaotional wreck. I was good for a while kept my social circle big, attended parties just to not think about it. Now its like the feelings went away but are coming back. I am going to start praying for a new me (I maybe a little distanced from God) and focus on my marriage and i hope this doesnt last too long. I’m now trying to play tricks with my mind so i can stay happy with my husband and hopefully one day my ex boyfriend is completely out of my heart.
Gail Brenner says
I’m sorry, RN, but I don’t have tips for you. What I discuss on this site is not a quick fix for feelings or difficult situations. What I talk about here is how to meet all of our experience consciously – with love and awareness – and the wisdom that arises from doing that. Begin by being honest with yourself about why you make the choices you are making. Are you driven by fear or need? Is that what prevents you from showing up fully in your marriage? If so, be loving with yourself as you let fear or need be present.
There are no easy answers here, but you can choose the road of authenticity. Be the best partner you can be for your husband, which includes no longer texting your ex boyfriend. It might take some time, but let yourself unhook from him – for your own peace and happiness. Choose a life of ease and harmony for yourself – then see how you can put that into action every day.
Cassandra says
I had a difficult childhood. My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was 3. My father was in the Navy so he was always gone. We moved every 3 years. Shortly after I turned 12, i had been taken out of school for a little over a month so I could help take care of her, then she passed away. I did get spanked as a child, but nothing I would call abuse. But when I think.about the time I had with my mom, i have a hard time remembering positive moments. But easily remember are the very sad memories i have of watching her die (over the last month she was alive.)
My father worked a lot, so from then on, i basically took care of myself. I grew up too fast, I think. My father made a lot of selfish decisions, he still does.
Recently I’ve decided to stop trying to communicate with him. Any time, maybe once a year, he’ll contact my older sister or i, to bother us about sending him money that we ‘owe’ him.
I would be the first person to say I have Daddy issues. But now i just want them and (primarily) him, behind me. Usually it’s the parent that disowns the child, not the other way around.
I don’t want him to have that emotional control over me and I hate how upset I get, at just the THOUGHT of him. Talking to him is not possible. I’ve tried multiple times over many years, but I’m done. I don’t have the strength to squeeze blood from a rock.
How can I move on and let all the resentment and hurt behind?
Gail Brenner says
Dear Cassandra,
“How can I move on and let all the resentment and hurt behind?” Make the choice in every moment to not feed this disappointing story. It’s great that you don’t want him to have that emotional control. When the thought of him comes up, say, “I see you, but I’m not going to let you control me.” Then take a breath, feel the sensations in your body, and move on. At this point, it’s not about the story of what happened. It’s about being empowered in the moments of your own life to be free of this. It’s probably hurting you way more than it’s hurting him anyway. So the hurt isn’t serving. Envision yourself fully alive, then step into that vision and live it.
Anj325 says
I love this response..”Envision yourself fully alive, then step into that vision and live it.” Beautiful words. Thank you.
Amy says
Dear Gail – firstly, I enjoyed your post, but more importantly, it is so lovely to see all of your supportive and helpful comments to every comment posted. I view this as a true demonstration of the care and responsibility you show in your profession and the respect that you have for your clients.
I, too, have told the story – and I just don’t want to anymore! It feels ‘done’ and is completely boring to me. However, the feelings are still there. Over the course of my adult life, I have not enjoyed positive romantic relationships and I have never really felt safe or lovable in relationships. This is the result of the parenting I received and significant trauma as a 15-16 year old. My fear is that I will miss out on ever feeling truly loved by another because my defences are so strong.
My longest relationship was four years, with the father of my daughter. This ended because he was an unmotivated, marijuana smoker (I thought he would change! )
I do love and enjoy being me and have become so much better at taking care of myself. I meditate twice daily for 20 minutes, have been to psychologists (diagnosed with delayed PTSD) and attended counselling, when I feel the need, and try to go on a retreat each year. I read self-help books as well as those by the spiritual masters to broaden my perspective on life.
I have also raised a 13 year old daughter, of whom I am immensely proud of and I am also proud of myself for being a conscious, non-violent, loving parent.
While I do enjoy intermittent enlightenment, when it comes to the world of dating, i feel hassled and obligated and my primary drive is to be alone. These experiences are very emotionally charged, and despite all of my good work towards freeing and healing myself, after each date/short lived relationship I scramble to solitude.
My friends have complete faith in my ability to overcome this struggle and I am lucky enough to attract good, intelligent, decent men, but I am yet to find somebody sufficient appealing to me to take it to the next level. I understand this is most likely because I am emotionally unavailable, due to the fear and discomfort I feel. It’s difficult to stay positive about relationships and rally the energy to date. I know that ultimately it will be worth it, but I could use some wise words.
Very much appreciated,
Amy
Gail Brenner says
Sounds like a lovely path you are on, Amy! The next step is to meet this fear that comes up around relationship. Get to know it, welcome it, and become an expert in how it overtakes you. Only then will you be able to find the space to make a choice that is not fear-driven.
Going the next level in a relationship is stepping right into the unknown. You just don’t know what will happen. But it’s exhilarating! The only way to stop the struggle is to face it completely. Then you discover you are already fulfilled, and a good relationship is icing on the cake.
Amy says
Thanks, Gail – I will treasure this advice.
My very best to you, Amy.
Anj325 says
Hi Ms. Brenner,
Thank you so much for your post. It really resonated with me. And, I really enjoyed your ten steps to letting go of the past. I wish I could carry these steps with me on a daily basis. I come from parents that are very dysfunctional and have left me feeling very angry. I have an emotionally unsupportive father. I recently got out of a relationship and I realized that my ex is a lot like my father. To sum up the reason I ended this relationship – I was hit in the head by a metal gate on a Saturday night. My ex wanted to take me to the er, but his sister talked him out of it, said I was fine, and lied about getting hit on the head by the same gate and saying nothing happened to her, so I should be fine. She screamed at me while I was crying, so my ex gave up and told us all to go to sleep. I also didn’t demand going to the er because I’m still overcoming a people pleasing aspect of my personality. I wanted to pretend that I was fine. Two days later my sister took me to the doctor and I was diagnosed with a concussion. I was left feeling so angry at my ex and his sister. This happened over the Fourth of July and I still feel angry about it. When I communicated my anger to my ex, he took no accountability for what happened, questioned me for saying what I was saying, made me feel like I was crazy for reacting, and his sister never apologized to me. He distanced himself from me, he said we should talk when I feel better because he didn’t want to deal with my while I was still upset. He also said that i was making him upset. I thought this was selfish and I broke up with him over text. He said ok and we never talked after that. Sometimes I still feel angry for his response, ie not taking accountability or even discussing what happened, and for the fact that his sister never apologized to me. I feel like this anger is coming from a place of approval. Am I seeking their approval for my feelings? I just feel sooo angry about it. I feel like his actions toward me mirror my parents. My father is a good person, but he doesn’t know how to be emotionally supportive. Instead, I have always been the one to provide him with emotional support. How do you get emotional support from others, ie how do you demand the needs you feel like you deserve? I’m trying to break a pattern that has been set up in my life since childhood. Thank you so much for your blog!
Gail Brenner says
Hi Anj325,
You can’t control the kind of support you get from other people. You can demand all you want, but you will get what you get. That’s the nature of it. Demanding doesn’t make it happen. So it’s your job to come to peace within yourself by looking at your need for support. Let go of trying to get it where it’s not available, and fill your life with loving, sane people who are happy to be there for you.
Better yet, give up looking outside yourself to get what you think you need. Work directly with your own thoughts and feelings to discover that the happiness you seek is already here in every moment.
Anj325 says
So true. Thank you Gail!
ADF says
My bf of three years refuses to let go of a past relationship with his ex’s daughter. He raised her like his own until she was four. They separated. He still got to see her at least once a week bc his grandmother watched her after school and he would sneak to see her. Time went on, her mom was in a relationship with a new guy and she found out about the sneaking visits. They droid my bf to stop seeing her because she had a relationship with her dad and the new bf wanted to build a relationship with her too…as a family. This was nearly three years ago my bf was told that he is not to contact her anymore, period. he refuses to take her pictures down from the entertainment center and the fridge. I can’t put pictures up of my child that lives with us because there is no room. He won’t build a relationship with my son because he doesn’t want to replace ‘her’. He cries and gets sucked into these depressions over her. I’ve told him to seek help, but he won’t. I mentioned taking down the pictures and he jumped all over me. He won’t let go of her even though she will never be part of his life again and he refuses to let me or my son in. It’s been three years and he hasn’t said he loves me. He thinks I’m jealous and I don’t care about his feelings when I tell him he needs to let go. What can I do?
Gail Brenner says
Hello, ADF, You have to start getting honest with yourself and determine what is truly best for your son and for you. You need to decide for yourself. But I know what I would do. If I were with a man who didn’t treat my child with love and acceptance, I’d be out the door in a heartbeat.
Ganeshkumar says
I think you hit the nail in the head with the very first point saying that “the past isnt really the past”. How so true, if one views it that way. Actually, I have never seen that way, but your post has managed to give me a new perspective of looking at things now. Ah !! am already feeling at ease. Thanks for this wonderful post.
Gail Brenner says
So glad you stopped by, Ganeshkumar! Yes, the past is done. If it’s still a problem, it’s about how these thoughts and feelings are arising now. This is actually very empowering, because you can learn to relate to these experiences so they don’t weigh you down any longer. I love that possibility!
Hazel cooper says
I liked this boy,he promised never to leave and he left after 2 years of being with me,we never dated and I’m 16,but we liked each other only, I’m sure that no one else caused the fight , but he simply left. Then, he came back..asked me to come back, a requested for 2 months and I always liked him, now he behaves so different, his parents called my parents home and told them some horrible things, I love my parents more than anything else in this world and I am still disappointed. My mistakes surely did contribute but I was never completely yay fault . I still cannot get over it. His current behaviour causes pain.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Hazel,
Thanks for taking the time to write your comment. I’m so glad that you have a good relationship with your parents. Tell them how you’re feeling so you can get support from them. Sometimes unfair things happen in the world. The best we can do – which is a lot – is to learn from what happens so we can make better choices in the future.
Don’t spend too much time thinking about all of this. Go out with your friends – do things that you enjoy. You’re making the space to find your feet on the ground again so you can move on. And you will. xx
Shane says
Hi Gail,
I broke up with my ex a year ago after 6 years together. This has absolutely been the toughest year of my life, it feels like everyday brings a new heartache.
We had built our dream home together, and within less than a year of moving in he decided he didn’t want me in his life anymore. To be honest I didn’t care, I hadn’t been happy for a very long time. What I found hard to get past, and still am, is the way he treated me during the separation. I found letters from him to people telling them what a horrible person I was, I was a gold digger etc. Not surprisingly every single mutual friend never spoke to me again.
In the breakup I didn’t fight for what was mine, I let him keep our home and I walked away with 25k and 20k in credit card debt. I didn’t want him to go without, I didn’t want to hurt him.
All year I’ve bordered on bankruptcy and have done it extremely tough. It turns out he had hidden a lot of money away and he is living the high life. Even now he is overseas for a month.
I just find it impossible to get past this, I can’t fathom that someone you cared for can treat you so badly and want the worst for you.
I have searched google for advice on how to move on so many times….will it really happen??
Kind Regards
Shane
Gail Brenner says
Hi Shane,
You’ve searched enough on google, and I’m sure you’ve gotten some very useful advice. It won’t “just happen.” It takes you doing the work in the moments of your life. When the thoughts appear, what choice do you make? When feelings and urges come, what do you do with them?
There is no magic wand to wave to make it go away. You absolutely have the power within you to find the wisdom within and choose happiness. You might consider thanking your lucky stars that you are out of this relationship, given his behavior. Now you have the chance to make wise choices.
My recommendation to you is to not read one more blog post about this. By now, you know what to do. OK, you got screwed over, but now you get to decide how you want the moments of your life to be. It’s all about how you relate to your experience. Do you let it run you or do you choose what you want?
BTW, he’s probably not suffering about this, but you are. The way you’re holding this situation is hurting you way more than anyone else. It doesn’t make sense to keep yourself from living fully in the world any longer.
Chetan says
Dear Gail,
I am becoming rebel day by day harming my relations with my family. I had a really bad breakup 2 years ago, due to it i lost my smile, my confidence and i am down with depression and low self esteem . Though i tried my best not to think about my past but it recoils often. I have gained weight and now i hate myself. I have no tears left to cry.
I was a once a happy smiling helping confident person who loved myself.
I am just 22 and i have a very long way to go in my life.
Please help me ,I dont want to lose myself and my family because of nature.
Chetan says
This is the best answer you can give by your article…
“A Simple Experiment with Profound Results”
Thank you Gail.
Gail Brenner says
Very wise of you, Chetan. You’ve gotten your question answered!
Much love…