“We read the world wrong and say that it deceives us.”
~Rabindranath Tagore
When I was 40, I was on top of the world. I was fit and healthy, and I thought I had it all together. Until I was slammed with an unusual medical problem that required two major surgeries to fix. My overriding thought? “This shouldn’t be happening to me.”
I was carrying an assumption that young, healthy people don’t get weird medical problems. And when life showed me differently, I was thrown for a loop. I fought and resisted valiantly until acceptance set in. It was a relief to finally go along with what the world was presenting to me.
Assumptions Create Your Reality
What is an assumption? It is an idea that you project onto reality about what should or shouldn’t happen. It is taking for granted that you know how something should be, when the truth is that you don’t know at all. And it paves the way for struggle and resistance.
You are living a reality created by your assumptions, rather than the real one that is actually happening.
Consider these examples:
- Bad things shouldn’t happen, especially to good or innocent people.
- Things will always be as they are, or as you want them to be.
- You expect that you will fail.
- You assume you are right.
- You assume you will have nothing valuable to contribute to a conversation.
- You take your identities as absolute truth, assuming you are fearful, inadequate, entitled, or unable to be a loving partner.
Living according to your assumptions is stressful and limiting. It’s like walking around in a small room packed with furniture. Everywhere you turn, you bump into something.
When your assumptions rule, the world feels structured and unfriendly, and your passage through it is rocky.
Either you set up your life so that the world meets your negative expectations about yourself (a self-fulfilling prophecy). Or you find yourself constantly reacting when life throws you a curve.
If you want to be happy, peaceful, and at ease, you may find that holding onto assumptions doesn’t serve you. Then you are moving with what is being offered to you rather than resisting.
Open Up Your View
You might have heard the new-age definition of the word assume – it makes an ass out of “u” and me. I don’t find this helpful – or true. But let’s explore the effects that assumptions do have.
- They limit your view of what is possible.
- You have tunnel vision and can’t see clearly.
- You stay stuck in a negative view of yourself.
- You set yourself up to feel frustrated or disappointed when your expectations aren’t met.
Keep this up, and it will definitely seem like the world is against you.
Recently, I have been giving some talks on the everyday reality of living with someone with Alzheimer’s Disease. On the surface, you might expect that getting Alzheimer’s would be a terrible tragedy, and as a family member you may doubt that you can cope.
But if you stayed with these assumptions, you would miss out on a whole other amazing, heart-opening perspective. Many caregivers of people with Alzheimer’s will tell you that it’s hard, but it is also a blessing.
You get to express love in needed and wonderful ways. You learn how to truly meet another person just as they are. You are invited to live in the moment where memory isn’t required.
And if you are lucky – or wise – you discover how to appreciate what is here rather than focus on what is missing. See how life is so full and generous?
Discover Overflowing Possibility
If you are living in a world of assumptions, you may be missing out. When you find yourself stuck, expand your view. Take the widest angle lens possible so you can see what is actually being offered to you.
Life is so fresh as it unfolds, simply bursting with potential. Really, anything is possible. Life doesn’t need your assumptions to know what to create next – it does a fine job by itself.
Maybe you will decide to do yourself a favor. If your assumptions aren’t serving you, let them fade away. Align with the flow of what is happening right now, and live, happily, as the openness that you are.
Do your assumptions serve or get in the way? What if you were to let them go?
Note: I had a lovely interview last evening with Jonathan Mosen of MushroomFM radio. Here’s the link if you’d like to listen in.
Lori Gosselin says
Hi Gail!
I love this: ” It’s like walking around in a small room packed with furniture. Everywhere you turn, you bump into something.”
It’s hard not to have assumptions since the brain is wired to get everything figured out and to hold onto the conclusions it draws. so it’s a challenge. I do like your reframing of care-giving for someone with Alzheimers. I guess we can reframe anything if we are aware.
“Let the assumptions fade away.” I like that too!
Lori
Gail Brenner says
Hi Lori,
Big yes to reframing. If we take the wide angle view, there is so much more there than the tunnel vision of our assumptions. And if they fade away entirely, our vision is completely clear. Suffering is impossible, and happiness oozes everywhere.
Thanks so much for your comment.
Galen Pearl says
Assumptions. How often do I bump into those?! Sometimes they surprise me when I react to something a certain way and realize that my reaction is based on an assumption that I didn’t even know I had. And as many as I recognize and release, it seems that there are several to take their place.
However, as many as I have of my own, what came to mind is a person I know who has been crippled in life by assumptions held for years. So sad.
So I hope that we can all learn from your post to open our eyes and watch the assumptions that lie beneath our thoughts and actions.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Galen,
Oh, people can be so trapped by their assumptions, and it can be hard to watch. I know exactly what you mean about the hidden assumptions. They lie there dormant until triggered by some life circumstance, then there we are, bumping into more furniture. But this is also an opportunity to see what ideas we might be identifying with and to let them simply be present and rest in awareness. If we don’t give these assumptions any power, then they have no meaning that can disturb us. And I absolutely love that this is the case!
Seth Mullins says
Hi Gail,
I spent (Long) years forcing the world to conform to my negative expectations, all the while cursing my luck 😉
I was touched by your mention of the gifts offered by the experience of living with someone with Alzheimer’s. There seems to be this prevalent belief that a certain straight-line kind of consciousness and focus is “good” while anything outside of that is without value, a sign of misfortune. I’ve come to believe that every path in life is an opportunity for unique experience and exploration.
Gail Brenner says
I appreciate your sharing your experience, Seth. You said that you thought that the world not conforming to your expectations was interpreted by you as bad luck. I think many of us have said the same thing.
And what you found is that it wasn’t an issue of luck at all. You were looking through the world with a negative filter, which was being confirmed. This is intelligence to realize, as you were able to then take a look at these expectations you were living by.
Sounds like things are different now for you. Great! Every moment is an opportunity for exploration – and freedom – if we see it that way.
Carmelo says
Hi Gail,
You put things so they can be easily remembered and utilized. It makes me think that we should look at life through the eyes of the child, everything is new, nothing is pre-set, there are no hard and fast expectations that we’re holding fast to!
And yes, there is unlimited potential because what you have is “the now” which is uncluttered by the past, the future … or your assumptions!
Gail, doesn’t it (dropping assumptions) allow us to see each other as equals? In a way, our outer, visible selves are assumptions and our inner beings are realities and connected and equal. You inspired some open thinking here and I appreciate it!
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Carmelo, and thank you for your comment.
You asked a great question – if dropping assumptions allows us to see each other as equals. I would go even further. When we drop all ideas about everything and we are experiencing the world directly, not seeing it through our minds, what is discovered is that there are no separate objects at all.
We need language to identify separate objects, and when we let language fall away, just for a moment, reality is seen as whole – with nothing separate in it. There are no personal selves to be equal, unequal, or separate. From the perspective of this whole of universal consciousness, everywhere you look, you see yourself. Our inner beings are connected more than you could ever imagine! And this is where love has no opposite.
Carmelo says
Well put! I think you’re a mind reader! Ah, but that’s the wrong terminology. You’re a heart connector. 🙂
Yes, not seeing through our minds. Isn’t it sad that all our training in life is from the mind perspective. Well, you’re helping to change that. Good stuff!
Gail Brenner says
A heart connector – that is so sweet!
Ultimately, I am you, and we meet in love, as love. With so much compassion for all who suffer.
Susan says
Hello Gail,
I really appreciate the personal experiences that you are sharing here. I agree that a life event that shatters a lot of assumptions for you actually turns out to be a gift (for that very reason), though you only realize it afterwards.
I also agree with Carmelo’s comments and your response to them. I believe we are all connected in a universal consciousness and that we feel that when we see with the heart and leave the mind out of it. If we can value connection in relationships (of any kind) and commit to keeping the connection going, then the form can change, or be unconventional, and it doesn’t matter. We don’t need to define the relationship with a label or assumptions that don’t serve us. Being open to life as it unfolds, and embracing uncertainty, rather than fearing it, is so important to living a vibrant and peaceful life.
Gail Brenner says
Great to hear from you, Susan!
I love your saying that we can feel universal consciousness when we see with the heart. What you describe about relationships – not defining them by any label or assumption – can be said for everything. What if we were to take away all assumptions about everything. That leaves us so open to life unfolding with fear hardly a blip on the screen.
And yes, this understanding is absolutely essential to recognizing the vibrancy of life.
Your comment is a true reflection of the one heart. Thank you.
David Stevens says
Hi Gail,
I think it’s more about the ‘type’ of assumptions that cause us problems rather than assumptions in general. Certainly it pays to be aware & to let go of assumptions/beliefs that are out of date. Thanks for this.
be good to yourself
David
Gail Brenner says
Good point, David. No use letting go of thoughts and assumptions that aren’t causing trouble. It’s the out-of-date ones and the ones that make us suffer that don’t serve.
Wendy Merron says
Great radio interview Gail!
Dropping assumptions and judgements can be a wonderful freeing technique…
Wouldn’t it be great if we could make an App for that?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Wendy,
The interview was really fun. Click here for the link.
I love your idea for an app that helps us drop judgments. Now how would that work??
Anna says
Thank you so much for all your blogs. This is so good! Thank you
Anna
Gail Brenner says
You are so welcome, Anna. Glad you found your way here.
D says
Hi, Gail, Thanks for the article. Though the ‘world is against me’ feeling is quite familiar to me, right now I sense more ‘I cannot bear this world, it`s too hard (to be me:). My most deeply ingrained assumptions – ‘I cannot bear rejection and disappointment from others’ and ‘I cannot be left alone with all this’ definitely add to my current emotional turmoil. The problem is, when I consiously try and drop this thoughts to relax a bit, I start to cry (probably from the cold feeling of loneliness). Though I believe it shall pass too. Sorry for venting in commentaries like that.
Gail Brenner says
Dear D,
Welcome to you, and thank you for your comment. Good for you that you have identified the core assumptions that contribute to you suffering. That you start to cry out of loneliness is actually a very good sign. Once you become aware of the feeling that underlies these assumptions then you have the chance of releasing it. If there are tears and sensations in your body that signal loneliness, simply let them be. I have written a lot on emotions on this blog. Try this series about navigating difficult feelings. There is also an audio guided meditation you might find helpful.
You are welcome here just as you are. Love and support to you…
James Dolatly says
Thanks I appreciate it and agree. But I’m having a hard time getting out of my own way.
Gail Brenner says
Little by little, James. In the moments when you realize you are in your own way, see what choices are available to you. Stay connected with what you really want.
Nicole says
Gail-
This blog is right on time! Although, I read, use positive affrimations, meditate and practice yoga I still find a few negative thoughts creeping in my mind–particularly tonight–regarding a few things that happened in the past.
I quickly recognized my thinking patterns thus started to change them to positive thoughts with a little reinforcement from reading positive articles like this one! Practice, Practice, Practice helps.
Thanks for sharing! Namaste.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Nicole. I’m glad you found this post helpful. I know that many people think that they will be happier if they learn to change negative thoughts into positive ones. This can work to some degree, but it’s not sustainable. It is the nature of the mind to think all kinds of thoughts, and it takes a lot of energy to stay on guard to make sure the negative ones don’t creep in.
Just as an experiment, what if you were to relax and let all thoughts in. You are aware of thoughts or you wouldn’t know you are having them. Rest in this awareness, which is essentially peaceful, and let all thoughts come and go. Then you are at peace no matter what thoughts appear.
I know this is a different approach for you. Try changing your thoughts. Then when you realize it doesn’t bring you the happiness you are looking for, simply be aware and see what happens. There are many articles here to support you.
Love to you…
Antonio Ferguson says
Great article, I often talk about how important it is to believe in your possibilities as a posed to focusing on your limitations, that been said I was a little confuse what this meant.
When your assumptions rule, the world feels structured and unfriendly, and your passage through it is rocky.
Either you set up your life so that the world meets your negative expectations about yourself (a self-fulfilling prophecy). Or you find yourself constantly reacting when life throws you a curve.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, this is just how it works, Antonio. No assumptions, total openness, no problem. So simple!
rachid says
“Does It Seem Like the World Is Against You?” yes , before a few years ago when I was encounter hard times this is my excuse . ……thank you for this great articles
Gail Brenner says
Hi Rachid,
It only seems like the world it against you. A new perspective is always available, as I imagine you know.
Love to you…
Kara Smith says
Do you have any advice for a woman who wants believe the same thing who lost her way and knows not what to do my story is a long-winded very highly confusing situation but it ends with me losing my way and I’m slowly losing who I am in the process it doesn’t seem like the world is against me but for me it feels like I’m the bad guy and nothing I Do Is Right I have literally lost everyone in my life no one ever speaks to me calls me text me steps to visit and no one can be bothered to help me for any reason the thing is is what it call anybody out on it they blame me they say it’s my fault and maybe they’re right I don’t know all I do know is I tried for many years and I finally started giving up I mean I have no one and nothing left what am I supposed to do about that
Gail Brenner says
Hi Kara,
You start by taking a breath and opening to the present moment. This helps to soften all the swirling thoughts in your mind. Now turn your attention inward toward yourself and maybe make a list of the values that are important to you. Give yourself time with this.
Now, begin making choices that are aligned with these values.
Say, for example, being kind is one of your values. Go out and be kind to one of the next people you encounter, even a stranger. Then do it again. If authenticity is a value, don’t speak until you are sure what you’re saying is honest.
Slow things down, keep connecting with what is most important to you, then live from there.
I wish you well on your journey…
Anita says
Hi Gail, I’m only 10 and don’t get what your trying to say could you explain it like you would to a 5 year old even though I’m 10…? Actually just explain it like you would to a 2 year old because that’s how I act sometimes.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Anita,
Thank you so much for your question. This article is about what happens when we hope or assume something will happen – and something different happens. It starts off with my story about how I got sick, even though I was doing everything to be healthy in my life. When I got sick, I was very upset. I said, “This shouldn’t have happened.” I was angry and sad. And what I eventually learned is that it is way easier to accept – to go with the flow – when unexpected things happen. I began to adjust to the fact that I was sick and did what the doctors told me to do to treat the illness. By the way, I’m fine now.
We can’t control everything that happens to us. Say your best friend moves away. You can’t control that, but you can control how you think about it. You can get mad and depressed. Or you can tell your friend how much you love her and focus on making new friends once she moves.
When we adapt to things that happen rather than fighting them, we are happier and more content.
Say I do everything to get an A from my teacher, and I get a B. This is what makes us struggle in life.
Sarah says
This describes my husband perfectly. He is absolutely miserable most of the time. According to him, every job, every friend, ex girlfriend, me, the kids, etc. has failed him. It’s incredibly frustrating. He’s been to several counselors (they all failed him) and I spend hours a week listening to his woes. I’m at my wits end. Any advice at all?
Thanks!
Gail Brenner says
Thank you for writing, Sarah. Your path is not to try to fix him, but to decide how you want to meet your own reactions to him. If it doesn’t feel true for you to spend hours a week listening, then you can follow that truth. Spend some time brainstorming or journaling about all the ways possible that you can respond to him. My advice is to be authentic and loving with him and to take good care of yourself.
Rachel E Burks says
Beautiful, timeless words of wisdom. Thank you.
Ryno Jonker says
Hi Gail
Great message l, really needed this. For the past 2 years it feels like I have been fighting myself in every way, every day.
Where it all started I am not really sure or why. But it is like my social world has taken a u-turn because of the assumptions I make of other people and how they perceive me etc.
Why or how this has started i dont know. But I’ve been fighting it. It becomes tiring. Affecting your everyday life. I am now trying really hard to relax more and open up my mind. Trying to be more never minded and happier just by notnallowimg assumption determine the way I socialize or react.
Thank you
Gail Brenner says
This is beautiful, Ryno. When we clear our mind of assumptions, then we are open to just what is right now. Life will flow much better for you!