“As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it.”
~Eckhart Tolle
“Anxiety is loves greatest killer.”
~Anais Nin
If it happens to you, you’re not alone. It’s an experience I hear about often and used to color every day of my life. It’s that subtle undercurrent of anxiety that makes you feel ill-at-ease, restless, and on edge.
Do you know this feeling? Maybe you experience it as fear, dread, or just plain discomfort. It causes your mind to spin and fills you with doubt. Left unexamined, it governs your life, making peace seem like an unattainable fantasy.
We are speaking about the primary dis-ease of our modern life.
Have you noticed that we are constantly given messages that lead us to conclude that we need to do more, have more, be more? We live in a culture of lack that reinforces the sense of the inadequate personal self and has us looking to the past and future for fulfillment.
It breeds the toxic “if only” story: if only I were thinner, happier, in a better relationship with a more satisfying job… Taking this on, you believe that:
- Things are not OK as they are are,and
- You are a person who is not good enough.
These identities sit in you like an annoying guest who refuses to leave. No wonder you’re anxious.
What to Do?
What to do with this intense feeling of discomfort?
Analyzing why it’s there will not get to the root of it.
The desire to run from it is understandable, but creates unconscious behavior patterns that don’t serve and leaves you scrambling to fix everything about yourself that appears to be broken.
Just tolerating the feeling leaves you hopelessly anxious, out of sorts, and overrun by obsessive thinking.
What is needed is a radical solution. Because you can’t think your way out of this endless cycle of anxiety and worry.
The Radical Solution
Finding your way out of the discomfort of anxiety asks you to question your assumptions about everything you take to be true.
- What exactly is anxiety?
- What are you doing that sustains it?
- Who is the you who is anxious?
- What needs to happen for you to be peaceful?
Let’s start by establishing that peace is possible; in fact, peace is more available than you could ever imagine. Anxiety? A ship passing through the ocean of you. Realize this by following the trail of breadcrumbs from anxiety to peace.
Pick up the first one by investigating the actual nature of the experience of anxiety, which requires moving your attention away from it so you can take a closer look.
Notice that this is possible – you can be aware of this experience of anxiety and discomfort. Recognize that just with this simple shift of attention from being caught in the web of anxiety to witnessing it, you already feel more spacious.
Interesting.
Now, from this place of being aware, what do you notice? If you are like me, there are swirls of thought forms and various physical sensations in the body. And that is all.
I can get caught up in these thoughts, spending my time analyzing, worrying, and sifting through possibilities and what if’s. But if, just for a second, I stop being consumed in the content of the thinking, I notice two things:
I am aware, and sensations and thoughts are temporarily present in awareness.
Let’s explore further by experimenting.
Experiment #1:
Engage intently with anxious thoughts. Think them, make them real, and see how more anxious stories immediately spring to life. How do you feel? Probably tense, contracted, worried, and stressed.
Experiment #2:
Notice physical sensations without paying attention to thoughts. If you don’t create thoughts about the sensations, even by labeling them, there is just the direct experience of the sensation. Is there a problem?
Experiment #3:
Shift your attention away from thoughts and physical sensations, and just be aware. Is awareness spacious or contracted? Does it have a name, a gender, or an identity? Is it troubled or at peace?
What do we conclude from these experiments? When you unravel what you call anxiety, it loses its power. Anxiety thrives when your attention gets lost in thinking. When you rest as aware presence, you are at peace.
Return to Peace
When you are consumed by anxiety, how to return to yourself?
- Disengage from anxious thoughts
- Let physical sensations be without weaving a story about them
- Notice that you are aware, still, alive, and full, and live here.
Rinse and repeat a thousand times a day, if necessary, as each moment is a moment of peace.
Next time you feel anxious, know that thinking won’t help you. Instead, simplify. Notice you are here, present and aware. Already at peace.
Anxious? Have you found your way to peace? I’d love to hear…
Emily says
Hi Gail,
I have been following your blog for a couple of months now, and this is the first time I have been sent a comment. This post is wonderful, it is the ongoing issue that I experience in my life, and it is only in the past year or so that I have learned that anxiety isn’t the result of what happens to us but a reflection of what is going on inside and that it is possible not to suffer from the myriad of thoughts and “what ifs” in my head. But from moment to moment it’s still so hard to remember. When I am at peace I know it is the truth, but when anxiety sets in I am more likely to see my peaceful self as fanciful or unrealistic. Why is it easier to dismiss the “peace” feelings than the “anxiety” feelings?
best, Emily
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Emily!
Wonderful for you to see that anxiety is about your inner experience and not about the events happening around you.
I hear your questions: “Why is it easier to dismiss the “peace” feelings than the “anxiety” feelings?” I’m wondering if you are actually dismissing the peace feelings. When you are at peace, things are natural, you feel fine, and things flow. You may not be saying to yourself, “I’m at peace.” But you don’t need to because you are living it. It’s how you are with nothing in the way.
You are well on the right track. There is a momentum to anxiety in terms of the thoughts and the patterns of sensations in the body, and it usually takes a while for this momentum to run down. Be as attentive as you can (rinse and repeat, as I said in the post), and see each time you get “lost” as an opportunity to find yourself again. This is how the habit of anxiety winds down. And realize, that even in the midst of anxiety, you can shift your attention away from it and find peace. Just do your best, with a sincere desire for freedom, and things will fall into place.
I might also add that an anti-anxiety lifestyle can help – time for stillness, centering activities like yoga and walks in nature, some physical exercise, and taking away any external stimuli that you react to.
Love and best wishes to you…
Galen Pearl says
Ah the evil twins–“if only” and “what if”! I used to be an Olympic champion of spinning tales of woe from each of these.
Several things helped me break that habit, but one of the simplest was interrupting my story with the phrase “I am safe.” I would just say that to myself every time I caught myself wandering off into fear world.
Eventually I came to believe it and the stories stopped. When they try to visit now, I’m much quicker to recognize them and just send them off with a smile.
Gail Brenner says
This is such a great suggestion, Galen! It’s kind of like an affirmation, but it is absolutely true. You ARE safe. It’s a great way to press pause to stop the fear cycle.
I’m not surprised that the stories have wound down for you. And I love that what used to trip you up now brings a smile.
I’m smiling with you!
Clare says
I suffer from insomnia and much of that is wrapped up in anxiety. I’ve been rather successful, when waking to anxiety and subsequent sleeplessness, by focusing on my breath and the sensations of my body. My mantra, if you can call it that, is to tell myself that while my body is experiencing the physical symptoms of anxiety, I am not anxious at all. This is actually true. Anxiety seems to be a habitual response or something that is stuck in me physically, so focusing on calming the mind also results in calming the body. I discovered, through mindfulness exercises, that I have a tendency to have this low current anxiety all of the time, because I have self-imposed a “rushed” tendency in my daily living. Slowing down, savoring the task and taking my time to do a “job well done” has also helped tremendously. Because we aren’t focused on the present, we often create (or at least worsen) our own anxieties. These things, as well as allowing others to take responsibility for their own problems and outcomes, have been very helpful in dealing with chronic anxiety.
Gail Brenner says
Clare,
Your comment is filled with a wealth of wisdom! I’m not surprised at all that you are feeling better because you have approached the problem from all angles.
This is the key: “my body is experiencing the physical symptoms of anxiety, but I am not anxious at all.” There is great freedom in shifting your attention from being consumed by sensations to realizing that they appear in you but are not you. And who is this you? Calm, clear intelligence.
I also appreciate your speaking to that low current of anxiety. Many of us have this experience, myself included. But I absolutely know that it’s possible to have this not plague you, and you mention the essential understanding: seeing how thoughts about rushing create this anxiety and realizing presence now in this very moment. When we discover what takes us away from peace, the door to the deepest peace opens wide.
K. says
Hi!
Your blog is amazing and it helps me a lot!
I’m 23 now and I’m an anxious person, but, to me, it happens in waves, usually when I am too worried about something, going through changes or unsatisfied with things in my life.
When I was a little kid, my doctor taught me to breathe 7 times fresh air with my arms open at the window.
I guess awareness is the awnswer. You need to try to be present, remember it is just your mind, exercise your body and even if you fail, just keep in mind that anxiety is a spiral full of fear and you must be out of it.
Focus, keep breathing, things get better.
Thank you for sharing all the wisdom and sorry for my english, it’s not my first language 🙂
Gail Brenner says
Hi K,
You are communicating so clearly in English with so many ways to address anxiety. Remembering it is just in your mind is key. Really, that’s the only place it is. And if you don’t feed the thoughts, you suffer so much less. Thanks so much for sharing here.
Love to you…
Vicki says
Hi Gail, Anxiety is waking me up at night and I have great difficulty getting back to sleep. So I am very tired and even more on edge. At times I feel I just can’t cope and want to run away. I think I am anxious because I have so many unfinished things that for some reason or another I don’t attend to. Perhaps my subconscious is wanting me to stay stuck. I am also going through menopause… Today is a beautiful autumn Saturday and I am tackling some things on my to do list 🙂 Thanks for this post.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for your comment, Vicki.
Your thoughts might tell you you don’t want to attend to the unfinished things, but the wisdom in you doesn’t believe this. Connect with the wisest part of you, and move from there so you are not a victim to your thoughts. Appreciating the beautiful autumn day and doing some things on your list – sounds like your wisdom talking!
Love and support to you….
Maria says
Gail, great post! When we are anxious we tend to believe every fearful thought which adds to more anxiety and it becomes a cycle of rumination. At that time, what is the simplest way to believe that the thoughts are not true? That’s my struggle. I just keep believing whatever my thoughts are saying.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Maria,
Here are some suggestions for you:
Ask: Is this actually true?
Repeat something else in your mind that is true to distract you and orient you to sanity. One of our readers here suggested, “I am safe.” And you can come up with something that works for you.
Press pause on the thoughts, step back from them, and feel the energy of them in your body, which may be strong, without getting stuck in the content.
Visualize the thoughts floating in space, then take your position as the space.
Don’t try to control them or think them, just let all of them come without any resistance.
Ruminating is helpful because if you catch yourself in that cycle, you know it’s time to take some action to take good care of yourself. Your natural state is peace, not anxiety. Do your best with diligence, and know that every peaceful moment counts.
Maria says
Thanks Gail.
Maria says
Gail,
I have a habit of tensing up(feels like muscle tightness), can the above mentioned steps be applied and useful for relieving tenseness?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Maria,
Try them out and see what happens.
It may sound counterintuitive, but if you try to make sensations go away, you are resisting them. And what we resist persists. So see them just as sensation without creating any drama or story around them. Even saying they are uncomfortable is the beginning of a story. Without any mental activity added, sensation is just sensation – momentary arising in the vastness of you and not a problem.
Allow it to be there if it is there. Simply breathe and let it be, as all it is is an old habit appearing in the body. With no story attached, you may be surprised by finding that it doesn’t matter if tenseness is there or not – peace remains undisturbed.
That said, it can help to have a stress-free lifestyle – exercise, time to sit quietly, taking deep breaths, recognizing when stressful thoughts have taken hold, being present in the midst of action.
Stay grounded in yourself, and all is well.
Maria says
Hi gail,
My recent experience: when I am anxious & among people, I just forget everything(to stop, breathe and let the tightness be) and just keep on thinking that something bad is happening to me and I feel very hurt and hopeless at that time.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Maria,
Just that you can write about being absorbed in anxiety shows the light of being aware. You are on the right track because at some point you “wake up” and realize that you have been lost. Practice aware breathing and noticing what is happening within you as much as you can. Eventually, this understanding will be available in even the most difficult situations.
And remember to have great compassion for yourself along the way.
Maria says
Hi gail,..Does aware breathing mean, breathing into tense parts or just normal breathing down into belly?
Do you think breathing into tightness will make one give more attention to tightness and further strengthen it?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Maria,
Aware breathing means simply to breathe and be aware. Sometimes with anxiety it can help to breathe into tense parts. This allows a greater acceptance and welcoming.
I appreciate your question about breathing into tightness giving attention to tightness. Try experimenting and see what happens. It may help to breathe into the tightness, but ultimately, the greatest peace comes from living as the awareness that everything arises in. Then tightness can come and go of its own accord, but you are not disturbed. It’s all about ease with what is.
Wishing you deep ease with whatever arises…
Maria says
Thanks Gail.
Maria says
Hi Gail, when I am anxious is it ok for me to keep my attention focused to feel the physical sensations of tightness instead of running away or avoid to feel them?
Because in experiment#3 in this post, says to shift attention away from physical sensations. I will really appreciate if you could clarify my confusion.
Keari says
One thing that has helped me is to be curious about anything scary. It sounds strange, but anything I’ve been able to ‘make a game’ out of, I typically have had success at reducing my fear of it.
So how does this relate to thoughts?
Being aware of what thoughts and feelings you are having, playfully try to guess the next what if or worrisome thought your mind will throw at you. Know it’s just an automatic process and is fear brain talking. Try to guess what you think it will be then wait and see what the next thought is.
I like to label mine afterwords like doubting debbie, or terrified tom. It’s super silly but that’s the point.
Sometimes it’s hard to know what our thoughts are saying because they rip by so fast. But the telltale sign is a body reaction. I typically get heart palpitations and negative feelings when one comes through. So I then try to recall what it was. This can take practice. But it’s not too important. Even just feeling the body and noticing when it gets jostled by a thought is a good step.
Cathy Taughinbaugh says
Hi Gail,
Such needed topic and beautiful post here. I have spend some time feeling anxious as I looked back or looked forward in time. Writing my fear and anxieties down has helped me. Keeping my mind occupied with things that I enjoy also helps stop that mind chatter that can really keep us stuck. I feel that I have a much better handle on keeping my fears at bay, but it is a process. Thanks!
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for your input, Cathy. It’s wonderful to hear that when you give some attention to happiness, lo and behold, you are happier! It’s really that simple – recognizing what is happening in our direct experience that brings suffering, and finding the way home to peace. Yes, it’s a process – a sacred and joyful one…
Sunshine & Moonlight says
I have just recently been dealing with number 2 yesterday. There is a particular sensation I have that I label and that leads to a certain set of thoughts. I began to say “no” to the labels and thoughts because they always seemed to lead me into harmful actions! I said no repeatedly to the sensation and that prevented me from getting swept up into it and ultimately doing something I would later regret.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sunshine! I love writing that!
What a beautiful report. This is it exactly. A sensation can be present, but without any label or story, it’s no problem. And it stops controlling you. When you see a sensation as just that, a sensation, a world of possibility opens up.
Celebrating with you…
Shawn Ryan says
This is a great post! I see these 3 “experiments” as different types of meditation. Especially the 3rd one. When you take to time to disassociate yourself from the anxiety and just become aware of who you are and where you are in the moment, this can really put your feelings and emotions toward problem areas in your life in perspective. This is a great exercise in being aware of what is going on inside of our bodies.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for stopping by and for your comment, Shawn.
If our attention is engaged with thoughts and sensations of anxiety, the result is the feeding of the anxiety. But stepping back, witnessing, allowing, and standing as awareness is freedom. Thoughts and sensations can come and go, but you are here – stable, open, loving, and completely at peace.
Baz says
Nice article, Gail. I especially like your point that analyzing discomfort will not get to the root of it. I think that the process of trying to “analyze” your way to emotional freedom just ends up tying you further up in knots.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for stopping by, Baz. Analyzing is more mental activity which does not bring peace. I’m for untying all knots!
Rebekah says
The way I cope with stress and anxiety works great. It costs nothing, is available anytime, in any place, for any circumstance, and always works! It is prayer. To a loving heavenly Father, who loves me just as I am, in spite of all of my mistakes and shortcomings, Who has all power, and will never abuse or leave me. His sayings of “fear not, for I am with you always” and “be anxious for nothing” are some of my mantras that only become more real and trustworthy as I observe my life passing by. He’s my best friend Anderson will be anybody else’s who asks. Try it and see for yourself. It really works! 🙂
Gail Brenner says
I love your faith and commitment, Rebekah. You are surrendering anything you can do personally and are giving it up to that which is greater than your single, separate self. This is intelligence, and I’m not surprised it brings you peace. Thanks so much for sharing this.
Silvia says
I got to this place searching for ways to keep my awareness up. I know that being aware is the solution of all mental issues and I can get there very easily but only for a very short time. Any advice?
Thank you!
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Silvia.
My advice to you about keeping awareness is to keep going there. Establishing yourself as awareness goes counter to our long-standing mental and emotional habits. So it takes some time for the power of these habits to wind down. As much as you can remember, stop and allow, be aware. Habits are temporary, but awareness is eternal, stable, and infinitely accepting. Live here as much as possible, and you will discover the peace you are searching for.
Pat says
A fsometime last year I had a thought about EXPERIENCE and I’m wondering if the thought (which follows) would relate to this:
Lay claim to no experience for it is not yours
Experience choosing you as the vehicle for its expression of self.
Experience being Life’s display of her multifaceted Self.
Gail Brenner says
Or let go of the thoughts about experience, and simply be.
Tristan says
Gail, I have appreciated these answers for a long time… but are they universal? What should someone do if (s)he is going to be abused tonight if dad/uncle comes home drunk/horny/aggressive. Or lives in a war zone, and may have her/his child murdered tomorrow?
I know I can achieve my own peace by shining awareness on everything, and my middle-class circumstances afford me plenty of space… but I worry for our sisters&brothers I mention who still suffer in agony while I claim my peace… I feel so such pain over that that if there isn’t a realistic answer for them too, I would actually rather not be alive.
martin says
hi….
i hve been caught in anxiety for last year and when i become positive for 10-to 15 minutes suddunely a thought come and ruin my mind and again thinking of other , what they have done with me or what they will do with me, my life is depending on other behaviour , i feel good ehen they are making me feel good and i feel bad ehn their behaviour changed….why its happening with me
why i relirs on other person..
yes i ahave been selfconcious, shyness of other ,because it is developed in my chilhood days..now this problem is increased,,,
i know whis is solution of this problem ans is positvity,,,but my miond dot helping me… i want to enjoy… iam thinking about past..
why i am takng help of my friend or person like you to get positive …
i want to thnk about myself only me…only postive….
i am thinking negative thought only imaginary ehich can not be happend in future…my mind is paining, not rest stage…
i always comoparing myself with others.and judging myself and other every time..it is wasting my time..
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Martin. As you are discovering, you can’t make yourself think only positive thoughts. It’s impossible, and as you know, it’s the mind’s job to think all kinds of crazy thoughts (negative, judging, comparing) and tempt us into believing them.
See if you can learn to be at peace with your mind. If it throws negative thoughts your way, don’t catch them. Just let them fall without giving them any attention. Don’t engage with them, especially when you know the suffering they bring. There is a part of you that is whole and at ease. It is you, your natural self, and you can rest there endlessly. It’s not about controlling the mind or getting the painful thoughts to stop. Rather, don’t connect with them, and they lose their power.
You are not your thoughts, so let them float on like a cloud passing through. Breathe deeply and feel the presence that you are. This is where you will find peace.
martin says
but when i become happy i will be happy for some perod of time but again a event happened in my past it comes and ruin my mind i know that was past but i why i am ginging so much importance . thank u for your support ..i cant forgive myself
martin says
i will try my best to get rid from it i know only postivitiy can help me…..
Gail Brenner says
Hi Martin,
If I may say, it’s not positivity that will help you, it is acceptance. Welcome everything, befriend all of your experience, and it begins to lose its power over you. Positivity is your nature. You are whole, complete, infinitely peaceful, naturally open and curious. When the veils of conditioning fall away, this is what is revealed, you, shining. Live here and let the hurtful thoughts go. They aren’t serving you.
In love and support…
Gail Brenner says
Hi Martin,
A thought is just a thought until we give it attention and meaning. Yes, unhappy thoughts appear. But don’t make them real by giving them your precious attention. Stay rooted in the here and now where peace is possible.