“Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.”
~Rodin
What do you love? What really matters to you? For most of us, the answer is simple: we want to be happy.
But are you orienting your whole life toward happiness? No wonder you’re not happy.
The search for happiness is often misunderstood. If you are hoping to be happy once the right relationship and work situation magically show up, your present moment experience now is frustration and lack.
If you are waiting for inadequacy, resentment, and other inner troubles you experience to finally, somehow, disappear, what are you experiencing now? Inadequacy, resentment, and inner turmoil.
Your life is happening right now, in this very moment. But if you are looking out to the world for happiness to arrive at some other time, your now experience is not so happy.
If happiness is what you love, discover it now. Consider that it is not somewhere else, but here to be revealed, the very essence of who you are.
Maybe you, who you actually are, is simply covered up by worrying, regretting, and telling yourself stories. Maybe you are already everything you are hoping for and waiting to be – happy, fulfilled, completely at peace, heart overflowing.
Be on fire to know by orienting your whole life toward what you love.
How do you meet life?
The qualities you bring to the moments of your life matter, if you want to be happy. Consider being curious, flexible, and open. Rather than living in reaction to things that happen, start asking questions.
- What is the nature of this feeling that is here right now?
- Are these thoughts that I’m thinking actually true?
- Who am I?
Acknowledge the places in you that are rigid, and bring flexibility to them – your brain, your mind, your body, and your heart. Let your grudges completely untangle, your old stories become uninteresting.
Open in every cell of your being to the possibility that who you are is infinite beyond measure. See yourself everywhere.
What does your attention feed?
If you give close attention to anxious and judgmental thoughts, what will you get? More anxious and judgmental thoughts.
If you indulge feelings and dramatic stories, what will you get? More of the same.
You might say that you want to be happy, but where you place your attention shows what you are actually most interested in. Show interest in difficult thoughts and feelings, and that will be your in the moment experience.
Instead, recognize that thoughts and feelings are temporary. They come from nowhere, arise in the space of awareness, and dissolve. They are essentially free, but get stuck when you feed them with attention.
Notice that awareness is stable, unchanging. No matter what appears, you are always aware.
Establish yourself in that which is aware, and let the unhappiness be.
How do you spend your time?
Just as where you place your attention reveals what you are interested in, so does how you spend your time. Simply track it for a day or two, and you will know how your life is oriented.
Do you complain, argue, isolate? Are you overdoing it somehow in your behavior? Who do you spend your time with? Are you sitting in unhappy feelings much of the time?
Now that you are conscious of what you are actually fascinated by, let wisdom guide you. Make the changes that support what you love. Maybe you will meditate more, find a group of like-minded people, slow down, and read, watch, and listen to inspiring media.
Let what you love show in your behavior. Nothing can replace the fire for true happiness.
Resistance, anyone?
Resistance is saying “no” to life. A situation or feeling shows up as part of the natural unfolding of reality, and you say, “No, I don’t like it, I don’t want it to be like this. It should be different.”
If you resist, there is no way you can discover that peace is possible in this very moment. You are too busy rejecting what is here to realize that it is actually a doorway to all that you long for.
Study how you resist so you can learn to recognize when it’s happening. You might notice that you:
- Avoid feelings that are present
- Get caught in compulsive behavior or addictions
- Ruminate in your thoughts
- Believe that people and situations should be different than they are.
These are ways of being that say, “No, not this.”
Now feel into the effects of resisting – tension, fear, contracting against life. Instead, say “Oh, this,” with the deepest acceptance and embrace.
Opening or closing?
In any moment, you are opening or closing. You close to escape discomfort and the fear of discomfort. But in so doing, you close to life. You end up spending your precious energy managing your inner experience so you can stay away from that which you fear.
This is not a sustainable way of being (it’s so tiring!), and it doesn’t orient you toward what you love.
Really, uncomfortable feelings aren’t so bad. In fact, when seen with the eyes of absolute truth, they are only sensation and energy, and barely that. They are impersonal, meaning that they come and go and have nothing to do with you.
When you open, you disidentify with everything, including uncomfortable feelings, and you allow things to be as they are. It’s like taking a step back and becoming uninvolved.
But don’t worry, you lose nothing, except pain. And you realize that everything you wanted is already here, awake, and alive.
Really, it’s simple. Orient your whole life toward what you love, and each moment sings with joy.
How’s it going for you? Any comments or questions? I’d love to hear…
Milly says
I love what you wrote… I have been having issues with my job for a while and it seems that it’s just getting worse. You know, someone said to me a few days ago, ” Don’t let someone define who you are.”!! I know this but sometimes its so hard when you love what you do on your job… but people make it so difficult for you. Especially, when you are working hard and trying and they are not doing their fair share of the work which is thrown onto you! Many people are at work more hours than they are at home and how can you leave what happens at the door when you walk out of there? I have been on my job awhile and I am not going to give them satisfaction of making me quit, because I feel thats what their goal is. I have no support group to go to at work to work through these issues. Management is not helping so I feel stuck to stick up for myself and risk getting in trouble for doing that!! I have a wonderful support group at home with friends and family that have been there for me all my life and I feel that my cross to bear is my JOB. I know God sends trial and tribulations to people and I feel that place is mine. I just don’t feel that I need to get on medication to deal with that. Can you give me any suggestions?
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Milly.
You have made the difficult situation you are in so clear.
A couple of thoughts: First, see how you can not be a victim in this situation. Where can you be empowered? How can you take care of yourself? If you are staying in the job out of not wanting to give in, maybe you can reevaluate. Be honest with yourself in contemplating what other options you may have.
There are only two sane ways to deal with this: change it or accept it. Otherwise, you spin endlessly in suffering. Find your wisest self within, which is outside the emotion-fueled thinking, and listen to what is offered.
And good for you that you have supportive friends and family who you can enjoy.
Sending love…
MyPeaceOfFood says
I’ve heard it before but somehow forgot the idea of opening or closing within each moment. Perhaps I forgot it because I feel and do so much closing. I get defensive, I am often irritable, and I shut down by keeping quiet and doing that whole waiting thing. Sometimes it takes great courage and vulnerability to open, but that’s where the juice is — without it all is stuck and stagnant, and I see that a lot in my life. I expect others to change, because I think, “Well, I’m already working on Me. What more can I do right now in this moment; I’m already doing everything I can.” I think in part that’s OK, but it’s so against our nature that it often feels almost negligent to NOT worry. When conversations don’t move things forward any more, you want to take action, but it can be very difficult to hear the inner voice of reason and not actually take that action if it’s rooted in a place of closing and not opening.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Peace,
I appreciate how you speak about the vulnerability that can be experienced by being open. Our defenses are there to protect us from feeling what is present, and we get used to not allowing what is here to be.
But openness is freeing. We shine the light on what is stuck, even if it is uncomfortable, and discover the possibility of release from it. Yes, juicy!
There is no rule that says we should open and not close. When the effects of both are seen clearly, a wise choice can be made.
Becky says
I really, really needed to read this. Thanks!
I think what I love the most (my passion, if you will) is essentially making the world a better place. Lately I haven’t focused much on this and other intentions, because I felt it was “hard” to do so when people don’t treat me the way I’d want. But, just like you say, life is happening right now, and I realize I wasted so much time waiting on family members to be nicer to me.
Again, thanks for this article. 🙂
Gail Brenner says
I love this, Becky, realizing that you have been waiting and distracted. This creates opportunities for you to open into yourself.
How others treat you is not personal to you – unless you take it that way. Live in the fire for what you know to be absolutely true.
JAYASHREE shah says
how true Gail,
most of the time you are drained due to fear of discomfort feeling,once you accept that it no longer can harass you.Happiness is than never away.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Jayashree! Paradoxical as it sounds, accepting an uncomfortable feeling frees you from it.
Thanks so much for your comment.
Heartsong says
Ancient teachings of the Buddha!
The way you express these teachings is very lovely!
Thanks for spreading these beautiful truths.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Heartsong! It’s a joy to speak the truth!
Lyla says
I absolutely love all your articles! I started meditating and being still while sitting with my emotions a few months ago, when I came across your blog. Everything you write resonates with me strongly, and gives me faith that I am on the right path of self-awareness. Thank you!
Gail Brenner says
Sounds like you are on just the right path, Lyla. Enjoy…
Nathan says
Another great article packed with practical advice, although I can’t stop thinking of one of my favorite quotes: “if only we’d stop trying to be happy, we could have a pretty good time” -Edith Wharton.
It’s not happiness that I crave, but instead relief from tension.
Would you say that there is separation between the self and emotions? Or is this just an illusion, with emotions serving as a valuable motivation-mechanism for the individual? Some are driven to seek relief, others are drivin to find happiness.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Nathan,
I appreciate the quote you included. The problem is the “trying” to be happy. Happiness – and relief from tension – comes from realizing that we are already happy. It is the letting go of all trying and effort to see the possibility that is always here. So, yes, if we would only stop trying to be happy – or anything else – we relax into the wholeness of life here right now – and have a pretty good time! We are living what we already are, not trying to get anywhere.
Regarding your second question about separation between self and emotions, it depends on what you mean by self. If you believe that you are a separate self, an individual entity, then emotions gain a lot of importance and power. And they can run the show, which can cause quite a bit of turmoil. When you are run by emotions, you have given up your choice to their power, leading you to be angry, stressed, sad, etc.
But by self, if you mean that which you truly are, your true nature that is beyond all forms, that which is life itself, then emotions are seen as insignificant. Then why do you do what you do? Out of love, compassion, divine intelligence, natural effortless responding.
francesca says
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Gail Brenner says
Welcome, Francesca. Glad that you find here articles that resonate with you.
Andy Peacock says
Hi Gail,
Your words have inspired me to let go of striving and just embrace what is here and now (which is plenty!). More specifically, I tend to get obsessed with finding my life’s purpose and pushing myself forward all the time. Compassion is what I really need and to enjoy the now more and what I choose to do with it.
Thank you for your articles, they are not only helping me but I am using them to write inspirational emails to my father-in-law who is terminally ill and seeking spiritual healing. Your articles have been a rich source of inspiration so thanks again. I can feel the love! 🙂
Andy
Gail Brenner says
And I feel the love back, Andy. I love hearing that you are so oriented to freedom and presence.
Nor Aziah says
Hi Gail,
I always enjoy reading your posts, full of truth and inspiration. Thank you for this post. It reminds me to always focus on what I am happy and grateful about, no matter how big or small it is. Even if it is only the pleasure of sitting peacefully in my couch. Thanks again Gail.
Gail Brenner says
So beautiful, Nor. Simply sitting on the couch can be the most joyful moment.