“The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.”
~William James
“If you do not wish to be prone to anger, do not feed the habit; give it nothing which may tend to its increase.”
~Epictetus
If you want to be happy and at ease in your everyday life, you need to be wise about what to do with feelings. Hiding from feelings or having them run wild in you, neither of these will bring you peace.
In the last post, I said, “Don’t follow feelings,” a proposition that resonated for some of you but raised questions for others. So let’s look more closely at the landscape of feelings.
Let These Unfold in You
Be aware. Sometimes you can’t help but be aware of feelings. They stare you in the face or completely consume you. But more often than you might realize, feelings sit below the surface of your conscious awareness.
If you are unhappy, confused, or stuck in frustrating habits, unseen feelings are likely to be the cause. Let yourself open to the feelings that may be present by simply being aware of them.
Be very clear about what a feeling is. Bring a laser-like curiosity to your experience of feelings to discover what they actually are. Just saying, “I feel sad,” or “I feel angry” isn’t the whole picture. When you take an honest look, you will see that what we call a feeling is a set of physical sensations and a story running in your mind. This story is probably very familiar to you, as it has been recycled millions of times. So go deeper and realize that there are physical sensations in your body.
This understanding is key because it pierces through the power that feelings can have. When you get that the story is unsatisfying and doesn’t serve, you can turn your attention away from it. And you can notice physical sensations, which are not a problem at all when seen in isolation as merely sensation with no story attached.
Welcome feelings. Be open and aware so you don’t fight the feeling. It’s very simple. You just turn toward it and say hello. Hello, fear. Hello anger. Then look straight into it to see what the feeling is – a label, a story, and physical sensations. Without feeding the content of the story, let all of it be.
Welcoming feelings takes away their power and offers the space for your natural, vibrant life to be revealed.
Realize that feelings are temporary. What makes feelings get stuck is recycling the associated story in your mind. When you are no longer interested in the story, you see that feelings come and go, if you let them, just like clouds passing overhead. And here you are, the stable presence in which all of it arises.
Let These Fall Away
Avoiding and resisting makes things worse. Avoidance of feelings is at the root of compulsions, addictions, and all matter of troublesome behavior. You can’t choose wisely if you are propelled by unseen emotions. When you are ready to get honest with yourself, acknowledge the feelings and learn how to work with them intelligently.
Want feelings to stay stuck? Feed the story. The story starts with the label of your experience, as in, “I’m furious right now.” And it goes on with a whole melodrama about what should and shouldn’t have happened. This is a kind of resistance to what is as you are rolling unpleasant thoughts around in your head rather than experiencing what is actually present.
Turning away from stories, especially very familiar ones, leaves you available to notice what is actually here. You stop thinking about what is happening and instead experience directly what is happening.
Don’t follow feelings. If your life is not as harmonious as you want it to be, you are most likely letting feelings guide your decisions. You feel an old resentment, so you stew about it or show up at a family gathering ready to take things personally or make impulsive choices so you don’t have to actually deal with your feelings. Maybe you feed fear which makes you limit yourself in so many painful ways.
If feelings are unexplored, they will have control over you. But when you know what feelings are present – and you know that you want peace and sanity in your life – you can make beautiful, wise, conscious choices that support your happiness that are not driven by feelings.
In a Crisis…
Chronic feelings are the ones that feed familiar ongoing habits that leave you dissatisfied and unfulfilled. And these are the ones that are asking for your direct and loving attention.
But acute feelings may require a different approach. In the middle of a life crisis, when you are dealing with tragedy, loss, or grief, your emotions may be so strong, so consuming that you can’t step back and be aware of them.
In these situations, focus instead on your moment-to-moment self-care. Be around supportive people. Eat well and exercise as best you can. Get professional help, if needed. Painful feelings may come in waves, so let them be, and notice the times when the feelings subside.
Eventually, you will know when the time is ripe for you to reflect on what has happened so your heart stays open. But be gentle with yourself, no need to rush it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once you realize that feelings don’t have to control you, they start to lose importance. The drama ends, and you realize you are conscious and alive in the moments of your life. That is how it has always been, but you were too caught up in feelings to notice. How amazing to recognize that peace is always possible!
Now go forth and enjoy…
Are feelings a sticking point for you? Have you discovered that you are free? I’d love to hear…
jayashree shah says
I found this very systematic and constructive way of dealing with emotional rollercoaster.
Being in awareness and let cloud just float away is the technique usually works for me.
But often in the middle of the cloud ,it is hard not to get attached and let it pass!
Thanks
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for your comment, Jayashree. It is lovely to be the space that the cloud is passing through. And you can return to the space of awareness again and again, always available.
Eva says
The last post was very good, but as you said it did raise questions, for me anyway. This post fully clarifies the topic, is extremely clear and accurate. People would be wise to reread this article to fully absorb it and use the knowledge in their lives. Excellent insights, excellent article which deserves to be shared! I’ll post a link to your article on my website. Well done, thank you!
Gail Brenner says
Thank you, Eva. Appreciate your kind words and sharing of the article.
Love to you…
Nikki says
I have been guilty of letting my emotions guide me. This article helps me further understand why, and how to do things differently. I have found that starting each day with a small to-do list also helps, because it keeps me focused on follow-through, regardless of any feelings that may come my way. I tend to shut down when feelings show up, but I know that if working out is on my to-do list I am more apt to push past the feelings in favor of the feeling I’ll get from a good workout. Getting through my list in spite of feelings gives me a great sense of accomplishment a greater sense of control over my own happiness.
Gail Brenner says
This is a beautiful report, Nikki. You are aligning with the intelligence of life that is not about feelings. You realize that you can put them aside, and still function very well, if not more productively.
Sometimes there is a tendency that arises to block happiness. I love what you do when this happens – push the feelings out of the way and keep to the course that you know is right for you. You can have control over happiness!
Wieldy says
So what’s new for me is the clear and confident “meeting” of me and the feeling — carefully, even lovingly sitting with the discomfort, taking time and directing attention to know I’m in touch with dread or overwhelm, and staying aware. Then I can inventory bodily sensations, and disconnect them from their putative cause. The sensations are real (cramp, hurried heartbeat) but they don’t MEAN fear or despair. Neither the sensation nor the “cause’ — the story — is bigger than my awareness and my ability to choose to disconnect. I might be free, when I do. And then I’m in the glorious space of being present for my life.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Wieldy,
Lovingly sitting with discomfort, Yes! We are so afraid of being uncomfortable, but you are experiencing the fruits of just letting things be. You get to explore what is actually here rather than avoiding or living in ideas about how you wish things were.
Glorious life…
MyPeaceOfFood says
The only question I have is about this: “when you know what feelings are present – and you know that you want peace and sanity in your life – you can make beautiful, wise, conscious choices that support your happiness that are not driven by feelings.” Shouldn’t at least some of what we do be driven by feelings (eg, love, desire, or lack thereof)? If not, aside from a moral compass, why do we do what we do, if not to feel or continue feeling a certain way?
Gail Brenner says
I thought this question might come up, Peace, so thanks for asking it. In the post, I am referring to those sticky, you might say negative emotions, such as fear, resentment, loneliness, etc. And now you are asking about love, and I might add joy, peace, enthusiasm, and compassion as motivators for our behavior.
If we are completely free and unattached, we behave from love and are not attached to the outcome. So there is only one reason to do anything and that is because we feel moved to. And if we feel moved to do anything from a place of fullness, it is simply for the doing of it and not to achieve any particular outcome. We are already full, so nothing extra is needed. In this sense, it is impersonal. We do something as it moves through us, but it is not done to get happiness or a feeling of success or any other emotion that we don’t already have. This assumes that happiness is not already here, which is a misunderstanding of the truth.
Doing something to feel a certain way can be tricky. This is the root of addiction. People use substances to get a temporary high mostly to avoid other uncomfortable feelings. Or they shop, eat, etc.
If you are doing something simply because it comes to you to do it, you may get a positive feeling from doing it, but this is a side effect rather than the true motivator. When all conditioning falls away, there is only doing for the sake of doing without attachment. There is only love in action.
MyPeaceOfFood says
Hi Gail,
I am still hung up on one thing. “Doing something to feel a certain way can be tricky.” I was working on a program during spring and summer this year called the Desire Map, where you decide on your “Core Desired Feelings” and you arrange your schedule around them (you find what fills you up and what drains you, eg). I was really sucked in at first — I narrowed them down, picked out my words, filled out weekly worksheets with tasks I thought were in alignment with how I wanted to feel…but I had trouble, for example, feeling “flourishing” and “passionate.” I certainly have a bucket of issues to work through in both arenas, so maybe I was being too ambitious, but regardless eventually I fell off the wagon and stopped the worksheets and everything. So I guess what I’m asking is, do you think I “fell off the wagon” because like you say specifically TRYING to feel a certain way will always backfire, or am I misunderstanding? Exercising makes me feel healthy and slim, which is why I do it (even though let’s say I’d rather be running errands). Going out with friends makes me feel connected (even though I may actually prefer to be home in my PJs). Am I making any sense?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Peace,
My approach is to simplify and discover the easiest, most natural way to be happy.
What you describe is a sense of lack in the current moment. If you need to do something to feel a way that you don’t feel now, there is an assumption that something is missing in the now. From my experience, this is a misunderstanding. Our minds convince us that life in this moment is not OK and that we need to look elsewhere for happiness, contentment, etc. But exploration of direct experience in the moment reveals that all is well. We stop wanting what we don’t have and appreciate the unfolding of the current of life as it is. Then you are completely accepting of what is as it is. It is natural and effortless and ultimately eliminates all the painful trying.
Maybe you can experiment with not trying to feel something else or get somewhere else. Just be here. Be present with sensations, what you see and here. To “do” being means not paying attention to the stories running in the mind about how now is not good enough. Don’t work at getting rid of thoughts. Just open to the expansiveness of this now moment. You may have been missing the loveliness.
MyPeaceOfFood says
Hi Gail,
Thank you so much for the back and forth. I think I *get it* and am just being my typical seeker self wondering how I can *get there* faster. This mystery of doing all things from love…of being in the flow…of being present and in the now…I love the thought of it, but my planning, practical self doesn’t understand how that meshes with living everyday life. Do I go to the gym today, or do I run errands? Do I go to the event, or stay home? These are literal, internal (no matter how simple) struggles my monkey mind ping-pongs back and forth a lot and wants to argue either way. We talk a lot about this at church, and also on another blog. Maybe I am just over-thinking it, resisting, being too hard on myself!
Oh, and the million-dollar question…how does one get to this state, which sounds almost like enlightenment or a Buddha state? Meditation, prayer, silence, stillness…always the answers?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Peace,
If you let the ping-ponging go just for a second, you may be very surprised that the answers you seek are here. Your mind can’t figure all these things out, which is why the ping-pong happens. What should you do next? Simply be quiet and listen for the answer – so much less effort!
“Getting to this state” is realizing that you are already here. But this realization happens outside of thought, which I know probably sounds impossible to you. Try experimenting with being rather than doing. Take a morning and let life unfold rather than “doing” and planning life. With the end of resisting, you may find that everything you want is already here.
Kathy Gabriel says
This post has resonated deeply and it is indeed liberating to know that peace within oneself is key.
Drama feeds drama and so on … feelings appear to rise and fall except they are fed. So it is interesting (my experiment) to observe what happens when I do not hold on to what arises .. it fades and I literally feel lighter!
Gail Brenner says
Love to hear your experience, Kathy. Thanks so much for sharing it.
Marie says
What about sitting with the emotions much longer, getting at the root of why the feeling crops up in the first place and addressing that so that it doesn’t keep coming up?
It seems that just “noticing and letting it pass” doesn’t actually solve the core challenge and the person hasn’t grown or been fully transformed by the difficult emotion and experience.
Perhaps the person has things to learn by feeling the emotion longer. Perhaps the person needs to look at and integrate a new story. Perhaps the the person needs to learn how they are using an emotion, for example to mask fear, and learn how to incorporate new qualities which will make choosing a new path easier. It seems steps like these are missing in the discussion of “noticing the feeling and let it pass”.
I am afraid the slogan “don’t follow feelings” can lead many to choose the peaceful path too quickly to catch the jewel. Also, it seems to me this slogan is not specific enough. Sometimes we shouldn’t immediately act on an emotion. Sometimes we should temporarily step aside an unproductive emotion. Other times, letting yourself get fully involved with an emotion will lead to an insight or take you to a new place.
Sometimes by leaving the situation alone, we can walk away and the problem fades away, no longer part of our path. Other times, if we don’t learn fully what we need from the situation, it will just keep cropping up again and again, until we do.
A problem with the buddhist “notice the cloud in the mind and let it float away” can be that the person isn’t changed by the cloud appearing.
“Peace” and “Gracefulness” can be over-rated.
Near-term “peace” can be given too much value above longterm development of character. Sometimes by saying yes to turmoil and suffering, letting the cloud rain on you, immersing and staying with the drama all the way through, a person will emerge transformed with new qualities and a peace based on a more solid foundation such as strength. (i.e. Dante’s inferno, or Jung’s quote “if the ground opens up in front of you, jump”. It’s tricky to know when to stay with a struggle and when to let it pass.
Sometimes trying to choose a “graceful path to emotions” is being unloving to yourself by putting too high an overhead on yourself during great growth by requiring yourself to handle great difficulties and also be graceful and peaceful during the whole transformation. Sometimes let yourself struggle, live without peace, have mud on your face, get it all wrong, really engage and wrestle with all your embarrassing clumsiness and don’t require yourself to be pretty while meeting something narly head on so that you may learn and grow.
Personally, I try (and often get it wrong) to hold the two opposing ideals “of loving peace” and “saying yes to emotional drama and turmoil” at the same time. I try to let myself be ungraceful, tormented, unpeaceful, immersed and buffeted by the drama so that I can be transformed while at the same time have a peaceful, loving, side to myself divinely guiding and reminding myself that it will all be okay and I am choosing to say yes and stay with the drama and discomfort for a higher value and purpose.
Sometimes it takes an unfathomably long time to hang with a struggle until finding the jewel. One internal question and struggle took me thirty years of searching to find the answer. On that path I felt I had no other choice but to keep searching and I don’t think I could have found any shortcuts. But if I hang with it, I usually find what I needed and the transformation and rewards are other worldly.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Marie,
Thank you so much for your comment. There is no way I could cover everything about emotions in an 800-word blog post, and you have made some important additions that add a needed richness to this topic. That said, I’m not going to be able to respond to every point in this comment either, but here are some thoughts.
If someone is stuck in an emotion that can’t seem to “float by,” the reason has to do with something about the story. In these situations, as you describe has been so fruitful for you, it can definitely help to go into the story, to find the hook that keeps the story and emotion going, and to find the way to release through the story.
Ultimately, the healing comes when the emotion/story appears and it doesn’t land, meaning the angst around it is gone and you remain here, undisturbed. Sometimes people can get to that directly by a simple letting go and not paying attention to the story/emotion. But sometimes the feeling is sticky and requires a different kind of investigation as you describe so beautifully.
For me, loving peace and saying yes to what is are not opposing ideals, and maybe this is where we differ. My experience has shown me very clearly that when I let go of emotional drama, there is peace – right here and now. The possibility of peace has always been here as an undercurrent, but my focus on the story has kept it veiled.
My interest always is in discovering that peace is available here, in fact it is the source of everything, the formless reality from which all forms arise. It may sound crazy, but I am not interested in being transformed, because who is it that is being transformed? I don’t want a better story. What I want is to know the absolute truth and live it. And what I know to be true is that I am not this separate entity called Gail, which is actually a set of thoughts, feelings, and sensations that arise from formless reality where nothing can possibly be separate from anything else.
This is not spiritual mumbo-jumbo, but the living, breathing possibility that is available in every moment because it already is the case. Living from the direct understanding of non-separation means the end of all drama, trying, evolving. It is peace beyond peace that the mind can’t begin to comprehend. Emotions and thoughts arise in it, but peace itself, devoid of all forms, is always here and available.
And if aware presence, reality, peace is the source of everything, nothing is excluded. No bypassing of emotions or stories. But put them under the microscope. When they are seen clearly with the laser light of truth, they fall apart, and there is the blessed return to peace with a simple shift of attention. This is the possibility for all.
Marie says
Thank you for your nice, long reply.
I’m completely with you on most of your descriptions about the source of peace.
The quote I find the most interesting and I will ponder further is:
“I am not interested in being transformed”.
Perhaps this is simply a difference in preference and approach that neither can prove is right or wrong. Perhaps the world needs a symphony of approaches.
I believe I want and can have it all.
Sometimes I simply want to only abide in the peace that is always present.
Other times I feel my life would be richer if I tolerated some uncomfortableness to grow to a new depth and strength. I also feel this transformation and strength will even better serve others.
My life is about more than simply floating around in bliss and peace.
Meanwhile, I don’t have to do all the trying and striving to be at peace or be loved and this peace is always present and supporting me no matter what is going on.
I’m all for eventually letting go. Sometimes it can happen through intention. It seems to me that other times, it just can’t be forced or willed. For it to be real, authentic and lasting it has to come on it’s own terms and timescale no matter how much you would like to make it happen sooner.
That’s why sometimes I don’t think it is helpful for others to encourage someone to let go of something. Sometimes this just doesn’t work for the long term. In some instances it seems it is more productive to set aside this end result and focus on the process and let the end result come organically. My experience is that some things aren’t going to release you until it’s done with you and the only way out is through.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Marie,
The reason I don’t want to be transformed is that this puts off happiness to some other time when that transformation hopefully happens. This is a perspective that misses the possibility (and fact) of the deepest peace in this present moment.
This is discovered by seeing through the illusion of the separate self. Who is it who wants to be transformed? Who am I really?
When I investigate through to the absolute truth, there is nothing here – no entity that is separate, only thoughts and feelings arising in the space of awareness. Living this understanding has love, not fear or desire, as a starting point. And because it renders unnecessary 99% of mental activity, life carries on in quite an efficient, functional, and joyful way – right now in this very moment.
There is deep trust that nothing needs to be figured out, that life is very OK without the illusion of “me” in the way.
Serena says
Hi Gail,
One thing I have come up against as far as watching my emotion is sometimes I feel like.. I’m doing it unnaturally. You know how what you focus on grows? Sometimes I feel like I’m really looking at them, but they start to become more intense. It’s interesting because it’s something I used to know how to do, but my ego has taken it as a ‘strategy’ and now it has all these ideas of how to be accepting towards emotions, how to be in the moment. Also when you are aware of your emotions, how much direct attention are you giving them? Are they like a background awareness or more at the forefront?
Serena
Gail Brenner says
Very good practical questions, Serena. First, be very clear about what a feeling is. When you examine it closely, you will see that there is a story of some kind and physical sensations. Sometimes it helps to label them, sometimes its better to allow them to be without the label. You will know in your own experience which is best.
Looking at and welcoming feelings are a little different. See if you can first be the presence that the feelings are arising in. If you are looking at them, you are aware of these objects that are arising in awareness. Be the awareness, simply be aware. Then welcoming is allowing whatever is there to be present, and it may be feelings. There is a non-attachment to the feeling experiences. You rest as presence, and feelings come and go of their own accord.
Sometimes feelings get very intense, so they come to the forefront, meaning that they grab your attention. Even in the intensity, be the space they are arising in and let them be. Often, when feelings have been avoided for a long time, they need to become intense maybe for quite some time. Burning, pressure, heaviness – it’s all OK. Lovingly allow everything to be as it is. This is your only job.
If the ego is using welcoming as a strategy, there is a goal of making feelings change or go away. This is resistance and won’t bring happiness. Have no desire for anything. I used to say to myself, “Feel this as if this is the experience I will have for the rest of my life.” Be completely accepting of what is present, then there is the freedom for feelings to do whatever they will.
Always return home to the empty silence. Everything then takes care of itself perfectly.
Serena says
Thanks Gail. That was very helpful.
Dhammika Abeysekara says
Dear Gail,
Thank you so much.I have learned lot of things from you.
I think I am very close to finding peace.
With love,
Dhammika
Gail Brenner says
So glad to hear, Dhammika! I am sure you are very very close to peace.