“The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”
~Rumi
Does this happen to you? No matter how much you want things to be different, here you are again with emotions grabbing you. You’re consumed in anger, overpowered by jealousy, or lost in pain.
When these common experiences visit you, which they will, how do you meet them? With frustration and resistance, just wanting them to go away?
There must be a kinder way for us to be with ourselves…
What Doesn’t Work
Here are some ways we struggle with our feelings:
- You don’t like how you feel, but you don’t know what to do about it.
- When you’re caught in emotions, you do and say things you regret.
- Your attempts to change them fail, so you feel resigned to feeling that way forever.
No wonder you feel frustrated. Let’s go a little deeper to understand how you get locked in the grip of feelings…and learn the kind way of being with them.
Moving Toward
If you move toward emotions, you indulge them. You build dramatic stories around them and think and talk about them with great relish. You might say some version of, “I’m so upset! Can you believe he did that?”
Moving toward emotions keeps them very much alive in you with no chance for relief.
Moving Against
If you move against emotions, you fight them. You hate how you feel. Your attempts to control the feelings don’t work, but you are at a loss as to what to do about them. Your body feels like it’s on fire, and before you know it, you’ve said hurtful words.
People who move against often feel anger and frustration. You may even justify how you feel, which keeps the feeling locked firmly in place.
Moving Away
Moving away from emotions may be the most common reaction. Instead of calmly opening to what’s present, you avoid them like the plague, eating or drinking to excess, staying overly busy, and getting stuck in endless thinking. Anything so you don’t have to feel them.
An ignored emotion stays hidden, and a hidden emotion is at the root of inadequacy, self-criticism, shame, relationship troubles, and addictions.
What do these strategies have in common?
- Emotions stay stuck.
- You are afraid of feeling it.
- You resist experiencing what’s actually here in the present moment.
The Way to Be: Not Moving
But there’s another option, and it’s the one that will set you free. Rather than trying to fix your emotions by moving toward, against, or away, consider not moving at all.
An emotion appears, and you stop. You feel caught in its grip, and you take a conscious breath. With the desire for freedom alive in your heart, you lovingly turn toward the feeling, and say, “Hello.”
The lump of sadness in your chest? Welcome it like a long lost friend knocking on your door. The fire of anger? Let it burn if it wants to.
Your mind may try to convince you to avoid your feelings. But don’t believe it. Go beyond the fear to meet what’s being offered to you as a holy gift.
Stop believing you’re damaged and instead bring the power of loving infinite awareness to meet the emotions and anything else arising in the moment. It’s the way in to discovering the peace you long for.
Offer the sacred temple of loving presence to your emotions. It’s the wise and kind way to be.
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Shadi says
When you have a dysfunctional family whom have graduated from the school of denial and deceit, every morning you wake up with a sense of dread. While anger, resentment and sadness are festering inside you. For many, many years I couldn’t open the ‘door’ and ‘greet’ the many negative emotions I have towards my family of origin or approach these feelings intellegently. I would either react loudly (handful of occasions), or keep my silence and let the pain eat me from inside (have spent a long time in this state). A chronic illness came along and eventually forced me to peel away the outer layer of my existance among them (both the emotions and the family), and for the first time look at the raw hurting layer hidden underneath. Like a child picking on her wound scabbing that is covering up the raw injured flesh until it bleeds I started touching my emotional scabs. Children are usually impatient, curious and gutsy. They want it to see what’s happening underneath the scabs. Adults are not usually as brave. Use this metaphor for emotional wounds in dysfunctional families. To pick on the very hard layer of scabs covering up the emotional pains, will sure leave you bleeding profusely. Unless, as you rightly propose one does it intellegently. I am learning and trying to implement an ‘intellegent’ approach to the negativity that’s been hanging over my head for decades. With two beautiful grown up children, a loving husband and of course a debilitating chronic illness, it’s about time. With the teachings of lovely souls such as yourself dear Gail, I’m mustering up the courage to let go and attempt to step in the path of Rumi. It’s a beautiful journey indeed. My humble gratitudes coming your way.
Gail Brenner says
There are tears in my eyes, Shadi. This is your time! May your journey be rich and full. And know that you have more support than you could ever know.
Love…
Shadi says
I know darling Gail, I know. This ‘loving support’ is moving me forward in such mysterious ways that every time I pinch myself and ask “am I imagining these reassurances?” And in total awe all I manage to mutter is “Thank you”.
Gail Brenner says
Blessed humility, bowing down to life…
Clare says
I read this the other day and immediately thought of it, when I read your post:
“Forgiveness is not something you do solely for the person who hurt you. It is something you do for yourself, for the sake of your own inner freedom. You forgive so that you can live in the present instead of being stuck in the past. You forgive because your grievances and grudges—even more than hopes and attachments and fears—bind you to old patterns, old identities, and especially to old stories.
[Forgiveness] is a spontaneous and natural uprush of peaceful letting go, even of tenderness.”
You don’t have to begin with a dysfunctional family member; you can start with yourself. Forgiveness is not forgetting. You will never forget. And, having healthy boundaries may mean excluding these dysfunctional people from your life, but still wishing them well.
I wish you true peace, contentment and joy.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for sharing this, Clare. These truths about forgiveness help to let the emotions go.
andre says
“…an opportunity to chip away at your conditioned habits..”. I love that. Thank you for writing.
Gail Brenner says
It’s a joy for me, Andre. We meet here as one…
Sunniva Bjørndal says
Hello Gail
Thank you so much for this and so many other mails with words of wisdom, I always enjoy them, but this one touched me more than any before, Its wondeful when words are sent and received just at the right time and a puzzle in my life is now solved, blessed be,love Sunny.
Gail Brenner says
Oh, blessed be to you, Sunny. Love your name!
Adam says
I do not “move” with my emotions. I have learned long ago that if I do, that which is causing the emotion will be amplified. Recently though, my tactic of “stopping”…not moving and accepting the reality of the situation is triggering an emotional response in my partner who “wants me to react”. She does not appreciate the fact that I “could” become emotional with the situation between us but I choose to remain calm. Perhaps I’m too calm to the point that she feels I do not care. Maybe I need to find a balance between “moving” and “stopping”? I don’t know.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Adam,
Maybe you can check in with yourself to make sure that “not moving” doesn’t sometimes turn into distancing. Not moving keeps you open, friendly, and available.
I understand that not moving could be read as not caring. But only you can know if this is the case. Reassure her that you care and that you want to work things out calmly without going into drama. Ask questions and listen deeply. Engage with her about what she is trying to communicate to you with a hugely open heart. I’m sure she wants to be heard.
This situation coming up could be an opportunity for her to look at her desire for drama to feel engaged and possibly a beautiful turning point for both of you.
Michael Gallaher says
Thank you, Gail.
“Resist Nothing”
In this moment, right here and right now?
Is that the message?
Peace and Joy – Michael
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Michael! The only “time” you can resist nothing is now. Be fully allowing of your experience. That’s the message.
Love to you…
Amit says
To be a listener, observer and learner is what i always wants to be. Spontaneous emotional out burst happens some time as emotion takes control of my self. i do some irreversible things which hurts others. Recovery from emotions comes immediately but it already is too late! Can you suggest me any remedy for my problem?
Lots of love and regards.
Amit
Gail Brenner says
Start where you are, Amit. When you “wake up” and realize what happened, meet whatever is present in that moment. Don’t hesitate to make amends. Apologize. Tell others you take responsibility for your actions. Then keep at it.
These conditioned patterns don’t change overnight. With your loving attention, over and over, they will soften, and you will become aware of the urge earlier, before you act on it.
Also, spend time in stillness, generally. Make space for awareness, as this is your true home.
Debbie says
I really enjoy your writings. They lift my spirit up.
I am a 61 and feeling a lot of emotions as my husband of 25 years has left me.. January 1 2014. I lost my daughter 10 years ago to Cancer. I was raised by my grandparents as my parents deserted me, when I was about 3 years of age. I have dealt with anxiety and depression all my life. The ups and the downs. Now at this age I still am filled with emotions and they are just building and building. I do have a lot of great things happening in my life. I have a wonderful daughter, son-in-law and 2 beautiful grandaughter’s. I started a charity in honour of my deceased daughter, which has been running successfully since 2004. I applied at the local hospital to do some volunteer work and ended up taking a position as Director of Volunteer Services.
I am moving forward but I am still in a lot of pain. I reach for the Bible. Keep writing and I will keep reading. Thank you.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for your comment, Debbie.
I know that these stories make up your history, but living in them isn’t serving you. In any moment, you are free. Live as your are now, not hampered by the past. You are amazing!
When you keep the stories running, they feed your emotions.
And steep yourself in gratitude – sounds like you have many blessings…
Dr. Mitch Lewis says
Good morning, Dr. Brenner and all who read her postings. As a short introduction and orientation to this post … This community of cells is 65 years old and have practiced Zen Buddhism; Soto tradition; White Plum lineage for 53 years.
I applaud Dr. Brenner for her wisdom and sharing. This latest post brings together, in a very finely distilled way, the focus of my the Zen practice. There is much gladdness that some may see this wisdom in a way that can be immediately put into practice in a daily life.
I bow to Dr. Brenner, and to you all, with grateful hands in gassho.
Gail Brenner says
So grateful, Dr. Mitch. And a ten-finger namaste to you.
For me, what is the use of wisdom unless you can put it into practice in some way? It’s about freedom in the here and now.
Marilee Krause says
Thank you Gail, I love this post! I too have sad stories, and more and more able to neither indulge nor deny them, trying on the courage (coeur=heart in French) to”open your heart to what is happening in the moment”. When I do this, there is an opening for more love, peace, and joy, the whole deal. Love, Marilee
Gail Brenner says
You are a testament to what is possible, Marilee. Much love…
Bles Dones says
Great post. Very cool. I just want to share what I’ve gone through and what I discovered. I am sensitive, competitive, emotional, and hard on myself. Too much was expected of me since I was a kid. It was pressure here and there — if you’re smart, then you should graduate on top, get the best job, and live successfully. I was very driven which paved the way for quick reactions, judgments, anger, even boredom. While I’ve accomplished most of the goals I set, I was not happy because I do not know what to do with feelings and emotions. I became so unwise in dealing with them. I want a happy life, easy, fun, and without residues, but emotions & feelings get in the way. Here’s what I discovered — Everyday, we encounter circumstances, but we turn them into problems by choosing to do so. Everything becomes personal to me. Well, I realize, it doesn’t have to be, and I started to bring focus to my own reactions…. I welcomed them! What one says about me is all about that person and how I react is about me. I decided not to feed the drama or expend my mental energy or I get stuck! Circumstances and reactions are two different things. Circumstances or facts can never change, but how we respond to them is the one we can control. Stop recycling the story in your mind. Even in the most unpleasant moment, you need to recognize that very simple truth that you are aware of it and it was an experience. Witness your emotions but do not get involved in them. You know what? When I practice all of these, I realize that if feelings and emotions don’t control me, they lose their touch, the stories stop, drama disappears —then I start to become more conscious and happy in the moments of my life. You can actually put emotions and feelings aside, and that is not impossible at all! Good day, Gail….
Gail Brenner says
“Circumstances or facts can never change, but how we respond to them is the one we can control.”
Pearls of wisdom, Bles. I’m happy for your happiness, and I’m celebrating with you…
kerri says
Thank you Bles for these encouraging words. Your “deal” sounds very similar to mine. And depression, anxiety recurring and recurring. In recent years I have had many realizations like yours that came from my experiences some from seeing things differently when I looked back. I realize I was largely unconscious of much. I had pretty much put all my eggs in the “smart” and “appearance” baskets. Learning the world can’t make me happy from the outside-in has been such a painful process omg, but one I see as necessary and natural I guess. Thank God for people who have gone before and can help like Gail with compassion, wisdom and maybe most importantly humility.
Indigo says
For the past year or so, I’ve been uncovering the wounds that have been hurting for so long. I decided it was time to heal. My journey to healing and wellness is progressing but there at times when yes, my emotions get the best of me causing me to react in ways I may not feel good about. Sometimes, people can really provoke a situation or person for this very purpose.
I’d like to think I could respond instead of react, but I’m usually so caught of guard that anger becomes the first reaction, then ruminating (thinking about the situation over and over again). This leads to me indulging in carbs and sweets, foods I should be avoiding. This leads to weight fluctuation and some indigestion and other issues.
Now, if I can just stop, experience the emotion without holding on to it, this would be simply remarkable. I need to try it and see how it works.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Indigo,
The power of conditioned reactions can be very strong, as you are noticing. The time to consciously experience the emotion is right when you become aware that it has taken you over. It doesn’t matter if that happens after the anger or even in the middle of eating sweets. Whenever that moment happens – this is your starting place.
So then, instead of moving forward with whatever reaction is propelling you, stop, breathe, and simply be. You might notice urges to eat or lash out. Just notice these, feel the sensations, let them come completely to awareness without your acting on them.
This way there is no way to fail. Whenever you “wake up” is your moment to be aware, and it doesn’t matter when this moment is. This approach gives a message to the conditioning that its days are numbered. It takes time and diligence on your part. When you are aware as much as possible, each of these moments is a homecoming.
Also, please try to minimize any self-criticism about not catching it earlier. Just let this go, as it doesn’t help and orient yourself instead to not moving – to simply being aware presence and allowing your experience to be.
Sumire says
Thank you Gail for all the support and writeups that have surely helped me. My main concern is when I get triggered by my partner I react immediately and forget to not engage. Are there any suggestions on what to do to prevent opening my mouth and respond?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sumire,
This is a matter of being more and more aware over time. So spend time in silence. Rest in awareness as much as possible in your daily life. When you know you might have a potentially heated discussion with your partner, center yourself in presence first. Take a breath and be aware. When you are conversing, slow things down. At the first hint of things, or you, feeling out of control, stop and breathe. Ultimately, presence, and your willingness to be present, will set you free.
In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Don’t judge when you lose control. Use every experience as a learning opportunity. And be very generous with apologies and making amends after the fact as you need to.
Feel free to let me know how it goes.
Charme Robarts says
Gail, I love your posts. I am a grief coach and the way I sometimes say what you are so eloquently saying is, “we have to drive into the pain.” That is, we are willing to experience it and let it do it’s work. True we hope not to park there forever, but we will be courageous an drive in.
Thanks for your good work.
Charme
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for your comment, Charme. Your clients are fortunate to have you as a support during their grieving.
Best wishes to you…
Prabha says
Hi Gail,
Felt a sense of peace reading your post and visiting your site. this is the first time am posting my problem in a site.
I was suffering for years in anger and resentment and fear about my own family who had hurt me in the past is out to eat me again. I was caught up between longing for my bond with them to be back again and the resentment & belief that i cant trust them again, as i have been let down everytime i trust and do good for them. There were times when i let them cum to me again n again trusting their love n then hurt myself. n then ther was a time when i had shut off completely. both the times it was me who was hurt. I also feel they are out to eat me as til now am convinced the way they behave with me proves so. but sumtimes i feel is it only me thinkin that way bcos of my past with them or are they really being intentional in behaving so, i dont want to hurt them for no fault of theirs.. i love them al. so these days am minimising the contact not shutting off, in touch but not keeping my door wide open so that i do not hurt myself again. But when i talk to them less it is rite at those days there is a voice in my head reminding all good old memories of fun,bond and love i had with them and i cross my own boundary n be all sweet lik b4. but the moment i do it there is another another new voice in my head reminding all the ways they have been hurting me till today and why did i go down and given them another chance to take advantage of me. These two contradicting voices in my head cum right at the wrong time and i feel like beating up myself. Please help. Am far better than before because i can understand my problem and working on it but still these voices in my head is draining me out. One thing which really concerns me is all the negative thought peeps up rite in the early morning when i wake up n brush my teeth. dont know how, i wud have been happy n positive throughout the previous day but the next day morning it cums into my head haunting me. It subsides only when i think positive stuffs n then talk to them atleast once. Is this approval addiction?
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Prabha. I’m glad you feel comfortable here.
It sounds like it would be helpful to find the voice of true intelligence in the middle of all the noise. Just sit quietly. Notice the voices that are fueled by fear and need. Those are the ones that aren’t going to help you, so let your attention fall away from them. Then listen deeply to the deepest inner voice that comes from peace and have the courage to follow it.
You have found a middle ground: “minimising the contact not shutting off, in touch but not keeping my door wide open.” Sounds like a good place until you have more clarity.
Emotions, memories, and negative voices come and go like weather. Sometimes we wake up and a cloud has appeared, sometimes the sun shines brightly. Continually find the place in you that is peaceful and free – even when clouds are present. It’s the place untouched by any story – the essential truth of you. Live here, and clarity will come.
Love to you…
Prabha says
Thank you so much for taking time for me. Sometimes the demands of the families are immediate when am not able to take time and think from the place of peace within myself and i either react or give in. I understand that i should allow myself to take sometime even among such pressures to know what i truly should be doing. I will be taking more “me” quiet time now. Thanks once again. Your posts are really warm. Love to you too.. 🙂 All the best for your good work!
Cameron says
Love the post. I’m having trouble understanding your difference between Moving Toward and Not Moving. Can you give an example?
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Cameron.
One sign that you are moving toward emotion is that there is a lot of drama in your life. And if you’re not moving, emotions can appear, but you still remain peaceful. A good example is fear.
If you indulge in fear, you make it your reality. You let it limit your life. You have a negative attitude toward anything that is outside your comfort zone. You’re mind spins in doubt and you may be paralyzed in your behavior.
But if you don’t move with fear, you notice that it’s present. You feel the sensations of fear in your body. You might become aware of the story it tells about what you can’t do and your need to stay secure and safe, but you don’t let this story define you. By not moving, you’re not rejecting the fact that fear is present, but you’re not letting it be what rules you. So fear can be present, but the wisest, most intelligent part of you is what you’re most in touch with.
My experience of not moving is very peaceful. When an emotion appears, I immediately ignore the distorted thoughts in my mind or any story that gets going, then bring my attention into my body and feel the sensations – there are often a lot of them. Then it becomes obvious to me that the emotion loses its power, and it just doesn’t play a role as I move forward in my life. I’m truly at peace.
Hope this helps!
Ashwini says
Hey Gail!
I have recently started following your blogs. Thank you so much for writing such inspiring blogs.
Gail Brenner says
Welcome to you, Ashwini! Thanks so much for stopping by.
Judith says
Hi Gail
I love your page and am so glad I found it. I was actually googling for some help with managing and letting go of anger, and I read your blog post on that first of all, and then found this one and it resonates even more!!!
I am not possessed with anger at all, and I liked to consider myself someone that is able to step back and notice emotional responses, I do a lot of work on myself and raising my awareness all the time.
However last weekend caught me off guard, and a culmination of events, which actually triggered some past hurt, as well as probably some present need, made me go bananas!!! Two friends (one my ex) had innocently spent the day together and without going in to the whole past stories etc, this was enough to have my heart pounding in my chest with anger, yes that lump of sadness and it was even hard to breathe. it was so physical and I knew at the time something had arisen, but i could not step out of it, it was so consuming- and consequently having been quite paralysed the following day with not being able to release ‘that feeling’, I did end up saying things incredibly negatively to them both in writing, and to be honest even though I know this is ‘my stuff’ I am still struggling to completely let go of what I am perceiving as a ‘wrong doing’. It’s so hard. Even though I like to think I am at least a bit enlightened, I have been abysmally not so these past few days. I’ve worked some of it out, but how do we clear those physical feelings and it worries me that they won’t have done me any good either.
Is there anything you suggest to heal emotions that in this instance I have clearly moved towards? Many thanks.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Judith,
It’s about relating to your emotions, not from them. Read the section again on not moving. That is the instruction, and it’s exactly what set me free. With love…
Judith says
Hi, yes thank you I understand. I probably didn’t make it clear that I totally get the concept, but the feelings were so strong I actually couldn’t stay still with them, they weren’t seconds it was longer. I guess I just need to practice in that case!! The swirling mind was very difficult to not listen to. Anyway, blessings for all your helpful blogs. xx
Gail Brenner says
The practice happens in each moment. I know it can be hard in the beginning when the emotions are strong. But see each second that you can step back and breathe as a moment of freedom. Keep at it with diligence. Conditioning can be powerful, but the power of the intention for freedom is stronger.
andy says
Thanks for the great articles Gail.
I want to ask you about something that comes up for me with this? If I am really honest, even this “not moving” is driven by not wanting the emotions. I wouldn’t be doing it otherwise. I see that all the other strategies fail. But even with this approach, the truth is I just don’t want to feel the emotion.
I try to get to a place where I fully accept the emotion, so fully that it could stay forever. But truth is, I just never do get there. It seems to me if I was there, then I would not be experiencing the emotion anymore!! Does that makes sense?
For example, right now there is a woman I am seeing. Our relationship is very lovely when we are together. Truly intimate. Truly magical. But then she will be away and become filled with fear and self-doubt, and distance herself, etc. She even realizes it is totally irrational. That it has nothing to do with the relationship itself. But still can’t help but act as she does.
I realize it is out of my control or her control and that it makes no sense to blame her. But even so, I experience such heartache when she pulls away. I don’t really know what to do in a practical way about the situation?
But I also can see that the truth is, I just can not get to a place where I accept this heartache. I just resist it. And then resist this resistance. On and on.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for your questions, Andy.
The goal is not to not feel hurt. The “goal” is just to open fully to what is. That is what happens when you stop moving in the face of emotions. You start with expanding your awareness to be curious and open, with no preference at all regarding what happens. Shifting your attention away from any thoughts or story about what’s happening, you simply welcome the physical sensations and the energy of the emotion as it moves through your body. What is not moving is your awareness. You don’t avoid or make drama out of things. You’re just here as a loving, welcoming presence to your experience as it is. In this sense, there is no goal, there’s just being. This doesn’t mean that your experience will change – it may or it may not. Your only job is to be with what is.
You say that your friend can’t help acting the way she does. That may be true to a point, but as you describe it, it sounds like she’s making a choice to not explore her fearful reaction. If this is something she’s not willing to explore as part of her own journey, then you are in a position to fully accept that this is how she is and make whatever decision you want to make for your own peace and for your own desires regarding a partner.
So I see this situation in two ways. One is an opportunity for you to deeply inquire into your experience of heartache and see where the hook is for you. And the other is to see if she is willing to take a look at this area of stuckness within her. One essential quality for a successful relationship is that each person have the willingness and openness to explore their own conditioning – because it will come up. Being with someone who is not open to looking within makes for a rocky road ahead.
andy says
Beautiful and perfect and skillful. Thanks for this Gail!
Yes, it is very clear that there is a hook for me in the relationship. Probably the core sense of lack showing its face? That is how strong it feels. But other than realizing it is so, I don’t know what to do with that information!? That is, I don’t know how to inquire into it deeply?
Gail Brenner says
I trust your intuition on this, Andy. There is much info on this site about inquiring into and exploring experience. Take a look at the archives, especially everything that has to do with emotion.
Here’s a sample:
• First, when this pattern arises, take a breath and shift your attention to being present, to just being aware. Take a few more breaths, just being here.
• Notice that when you observe the thoughts and physical sensations that make up this sense of lack, there’s a gap between you and them. You’re not completely gripped by them when you’re observing them.
• Take your time, and when you feel stable in observing, shift your attention to the observing presence itself, and expand into this peaceful awareness. Explore it, what is it like?
• Rinse and repeat, a thousand times a day if necessary, as each time chips away at the power of this pattern.
Over time, we’re less driven by this conditioned belief that we’re lacking. And we become more transparent to our natural aliveness that starts shining out everywhere. Notice that none of this is about thoughts or the mind – it’s about purely being with your experience.
It’s a lovely journey back to yourself.
With love…
andy says
an impossible amount of gratitude for this. thank you.
Gail Brenner says
Received. Wishing you well….