“When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result.”
~Byron Katie
If you’re like most people, there is more fear driving your behavior than you could ever imagine. Fear is behind just about every pattern you play out that doesn’t serve you. It’s the reason you get stuck, the subtle agitation you feel that keeps you from experiencing the peace you long for. If you want to be happy, it’s essential to learn how to deal with it.
Unexamined fear is at the root of our personal suffering. And bringing it out into the light of conscious awareness is a huge step toward freedom from it.
You can assume that fear will never go away. So if you’re waiting to be free of fear, you’re going to be waiting for a very long time.
Instead, here’s how to handle it. Get to know fear intimately. Bring it out of the shadows of your mind, heart, and body so you can recognize it.
Then, you can make a choice. You can let yourself be hijacked by fear and respond to its limits. Or you can turn away from it and choose the truth that wants to speak through you.
It’s a matter of limits or infinite possibility. Fear or love. Constriction or true freedom.
Do the work to meet fear lovingly. You’ll discover that the ease you seek is more available than you could ever imagine.
In the next few posts over the next week or two, we’ll look at fear more directly. How does it hide out in your programmed habits? How can you meet it in openness? If fear isn’t the driver, what is?
For now, I offer you this reflection. Sit quietly, and ask yourself:
- Am I willing to get to know fear?
- How does fear live in me?
- How does it drive my behavior?
Feel free to share your discoveries in the comments. And if you’re reading this by email, click here to go to GailBrenner.com and to comment.
You’re about to embark on an exploration for truth and authenticity. Who are you really? Not the fearful self you think you are.
Always in love,
Ken Rubenstein says
I think my biggest fear centers on loss of identity. In order to establish my place in the world, I’ve created several identities from bits and pieces acquired along the way. These identities form a ground I believe I can stand on, and when my core identity is challenged, I easily slip into defending it, and if someone persists in challenging me there, I get angry. I’ve realized quite recently that this is a key area for me to bring more to greater awareness.
Gail Brenner says
This is so great to notice, Ken! It can’t feel good to get defensive about your identity, and if there’s pain, there’s a way out of pain.
So the reflection question for you is: Are you willing to begin to openly investigate this fear of losing these identities? And the investigation might include, what are these identities, what is the nature of your attachment to them, what are you holding onto and what does this do for you? Do you want to let go, are you willing?
Juicy area for inquiry!
Ken Rubenstein says
I know my most troublesome identity quite well, and have for some time. Willingness to let go is another matter. I would like to be willing, but I’m perhaps more stubborn than fearful of doing so. I know the difficulties that hanging on entails, but there’s a certain pride and arrogance involved. I’m just now admitting this to myself, and I’ll have to see where that takes me. Thanks for the opening to explore this.
Gail Brenner says
Oh, Ken, I know what it’s like to meet pride and arrogance, and it’s a holy fire. I’ve gone into it directly and let it burn me up. Intense, yes, and I’m on my knees in gratitude for the power of Truth-telling.
A.Zeghaider says
Hi,Dear Gail:
Nice to have “discovered” your end of self help book & to have the opportunity to chat with you this way.Thanks in advance for your reaction that would be very much appreciated indeed.I have a lots of admiration and gratitude for your work.Having said that:I know that the separate self is an illusion,but we do need it to function in this world.I don’t quite know how to let go of the ego,to be honest.To illustrate what i am saying,so to speak,i would like to have your take on the following article of one of your colleagues in the field of psychology who does also integrate the core elements of Buddhism as you do and who says that we should try to strength the ego,not shrink it.A healthy ego is a strong one.There is a big difference between the pathological big ego and the healthy strong one in his following article:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200809/our-egos-do-they-need-strengthening-or-shrinking
But then again,a certain Eastern mystic whose name i cannot recall says that in order to dissolve the ego,we must make it strong first,otherwise it cannot be dissolved.
The above and your own take on the ego are quite contradictory to each other and confusing.
Furthermore,i can’t imagine how one can be able to dissolve the ego in this life at least.I am a big fan of Rumi too,and he says that we should die before death,if we wanna get in touch with the real SELF within,the one and only that does exist.
Please do be kind enough as to enlighten me about all that,if possible.
We should indeed try not to identify “ourselves” with our egos and their related minds,emotions,feelings,thoughts…but,in order to function in this world,we have to have some “thing” to identify “ourselves” with,otherwise,who are “we” ?.
In other words,the separate self or ego is an illusion,but how can “we” get in touch with who “we” really are?
I am totally confused about all that,in practice or on the “reality ground”.Thanks.Best wishes.Cheers.
Gail Brenner says
Hello AZ and welcome! I love your interest in these beautiful questions.
I don’t often use the word “ego.” Instead, I like to be more specific regarding the conditioned thoughts and feelings that we believe to be true and that we take on as our identity. These are problematic only when we believe that they define who we are. As we realize that they don’t accurately describe us, we become more open to other aspects of our present moment experience -specifically conscious awareness, the field of presence that underlies everything. As we return our attention here, over and over, our attachment to the objects of suffering untangles – and ultimately we realize freedom.
Don’t worry about needing the ego to function. It comes when it needs to as functioning, but not as a self-definition.
Experiment with identifying with this alive presence – right now and in any moment – letting your attention fall away from thoughts and feelings. Be like the sky and let the clouds do what they will.
A.Zeghaider says
Well said,dear lady Gail.Thanks.
I have another question that was inspired by your above answer and by your end of self help book alike.
Just bear with me,please.I know i can be annoying sometimes,like a little kid who can’t stop asking questions lol,but there has been really a passionate burning fire inside of “me” to get to the bottom of this,so to speak..
Well,we do need the ego or the illusory and false separate self now and then indeed to function in this world.
The question is:
Why then do we need “something” such as the separate self that’s by definition an illusory and false “concept’?.Is it because this world is temporary or finite,that’s why we need the finite or temporary sense of separate self to function in it?
I am not asking this,just for the sake of argument.
I do really wanna “know”.Much heartfelt love and gratitude
Gail Brenner says
It seems like it is a separate self – but the separate self is only a belief. Functions arise that meet the moment perfectly. If you need directions, you’ll take out the gps and punch in the address you’re going to. You don’t need a separate self to do this – there are functions that happen that make these actions happen seamlessly. The mind then says the separate self decided or chose or acted – but that is just the mind’s view. In reality, there is only functioning.
A.Zeghaider says
Quantum physics is in essence a bit similar to the above.The similarity is striking.But it is still controversial to link it to this,although it’s not necessary to link the two to each other,’cause there is always the risk or danger to slide into woo territory.Really fascinating.
Connie Mclaughlin says
I’m ready for this Gail. Thank you.
Gail Brenner says
Wonderful, Connie! You get to see what fears are lurking in the shadows.
Anna Lawrence says
This is something I’m battling very prominently at the moment. My husband has had an affair and as much as I want to end the marriage I am overcome by fear of making the wrong decision, fear of being alone and never finding love again, fear of the effect on my kids, fear of starting again and even fear of what friends and family will think. All these fears have actually paralysed me and have me considering accepting what really is unacceptable behaviour because it’s easier.
April says
I’ve been where you are, many years ago. It’s quite a sad situation. I would love to say to leave him, because I didnt, out of pure fear, I didnt. I look back and regret it now. However, no one can truly say how things will turn out . I pray for your strength during this difficult time in your life.
Anna Lawrence says
Thanks April
Gail Brenner says
Thank you for posting here, Anna. I hear your struggle. The fears you mention are just a part of the situation.
I have more questions than answers. Is your husband showing remorse? Has he re-committed to the marriage and to doing what it takes to regain your trust? Affairs rarely occur in a vacuum. Is this an opportunity for both of you to look into what hasn’t been fully working in your relationship? Sometimes these crossroads in a marriage can lead to an opportunity for renewal. And sometimes the relationship needs to end.
So your fears are just a part of it. I’m wondering if you can move from this back and forth of “should I or shouldn’t I” to a deeper exploration of all that is going on. This might help to bring greater clarity as you move forward. Yes, his behavior is unacceptable, and the situation is complicated and maybe not so black and white. As paradoxical as it may sound, letting the gray in may help you see things more clearly.
This situation is never easy – it’s filled with pain for all concerned. May you meet your pain with love and take good care of yourself and your children moving forward.
Anna Lawrence says
Thanks Gail. No real remorse was shown for a long time and even now there are more words been said than actual actions – and it’s actions that mean something. There was lots of assigning blame to me and even now after many many months There are still lies and deceit. Yet am still hesitating to leave- why is that? It’s the fear of failure and that I’m somehow unlovable. Even though there is this voice deep inside that says ‘hey! You’re awesome and don’t deserve this! Get out now!’ This fear keeps popping up throughout my life – I think it’s time I dealt with it.
Gail Brenner says
I see, Anna. I’m hearing your inner wisdom: it’s time to deal with this situation.
I understand your fears, but they don’t mean you shouldn’t act. The closer we get to living our truth, the more the fear voice will start screaming. So don’t wait until you’re unafraid, because that probably won’t happen. Instead, bundle up those fear thoughts and put them to the side. They’ll be in their little box pushing to get out, but that’s OK. Then get in touch with that knowing in you that tells you the truth. The fear may be there, but you can rise above it or walk around it and see what is your right next step.
Bernardo says
hi Gail : yes.
Fear could be a powerful driving emotion in our behaviour. Even more dangerous if we are not aware.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Bernardo! My point exactly.
Sending love…
RT says
What I found when going through fear was that just allowing and accepting it didn’t really help me let go or cope at the time.
Though by breaking it down and asking myself questions like: What am I feeling fearful of? Is it something I am dealing with now or concerned will happen in the future? Once I understand why (the thought/s attached) I then talk myself into working out what actions can I take right now that will help me to release it or let go.
I also find writing down these thoughts and actions help me see that I have choices and options. I try to be my own support team by also writing (and thinking) positive affirmations that will help me feel safe and peaceful, that I will be okay and things will work out.
I find that I need to have supportive thoughts in place more than just allowing and watching it which I find tends to keep me stuck in it.
Gail Brenner says
So much wisdom here, RT, and thanks for sharing it. Questioning these fearful thoughts from a place of really wanting to discern the truth is intelligent. We often automatically believe thoughts without asking if they are actually true. And what you’ve discovered is that often they aren’t. Then you can move forward without being trapped by them. So practical and logical!
And my philosophy is whatever works. So if coming up with supportive thoughts helps you, wonderful!
RT says
Thank you Gail for your positive feedback, your opinion means a lot to me.
April says
This rang true for me today. I live in a constant state of self doubt and believing that what I truly want cannot be achieved. It’s a constant battle in my head that I believe comes from fear. Fear of rejection, of being forgotten, of never being loved again, or that I will fail. I’ve read countless books and they say this is rumination. I’m always kicking my own @$s. Im always thinking that if I do this, or do that I will be happy. But nothing works.
Gail Brenner says
Hi April,
You sound like you’re in a trap that is so common. It’s the “if only” strategy that doesn’t work. If only I do the right thing… If only I follow what the books say…
Happiness is not to be found out there in the world. It’s always within, right here to be revealed. When we no longer buy into these limiting thoughts, when we don’t believe the stories our mind tells us, when we don’t let feelings rule our experience, what is left? Space, presence, peace. It’s a matter of shedding what doesn’t serve and discovering that peace is possible in any moment.
April says
I know it’s found within but can’t seem to shut off the negative thoughts that prevail. I know I need to shut off those thoughts and tell myself they are not true. I do this often but probably not enough. Thanks for the insight. Will try harder.
Harish Rangaswamy says
Hi Gail, Very thought provoking article and intriguing as well. Fear Is The Key…..and conquering/confronting Fear can rid one of many myths. There ate times when I have taken ‘fear’ headon and come up trumps. And there ate certain other times when I have understood the limitations and learnt to accept it and get on. Looking forward to your further posts….Luv
Gail Brenner says
Hi Harish,
It’s intelligent to bring attention to these fears if they are present. Why? Because they are present. We are always being invited to open to things as they are.
Miss Twiddle says
The fear to make mistakes, to be proven unworthy is sometimes overwhelming. The anger and rejection I fear from the outside world would echo the hidden beliefs that I keep within. I can be worthy but only and maybe when I work hard enough. And my hard earned worthiness can be taken away at any moment.
And the moment I wake up I begin scanning for problems. Am I feeling fit enough to tackle the day? Did I forget something? Offend someone? Will things go as planned? I am so tired of being vigilant all the time.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Miss T,
When you’re in one of these thought storms, maybe you can try, just for a moment, to press pause and take a breath. You are going along with the momentum of the mind, and the invitation is to stop doing that. Just a moment of peaceful awareness is enough to get started.
There is your attention and there are thoughts. Unglue your attention from the thoughts and stay with this awareness. Breathe here. It’s the doorway in to the peace you are looking for.
Bles says
Here’s me – “I’m venturing in my own consulting business, but what if you don’t get enough clients at this time? “Should I or shouldn’t I wait for a couple more of years?” I signed up to play adult soccer. “I never played soccer, what if you get hurt? Healing for mature ages takes slower.” See the pattern of fear here? Ah, dominated by “what ifs” and “should I or should I not.” Whether they come from my own thoughts or people around me, they make me “think” or waste my energy thinking. I grew up in a culture of over protectiveness, that perhaps I just see these as “warnings” and hence fear protects me. But I concluded these all makes me slow down, the physical and emotional feelings wear me down. You know what? How about, “I don’t know.” How will I know the future? At least that’s calming. But what else is there to know about fear? Its not my intention to be deterred by fear, but how do I treat fear? Does fear have a face? When does it arrive and what are the manifestations? Fear is a normal emotion, and can’t be stopped, but I need to be feel confident by being consistent. Fear is the unknown, isn’t it?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Bles,
The unknown is just the unknown. Fear projects negative outcomes and threat, but in its purity, the unknown just is.
Yes, make friends with fear. Get to know it so that it doesn’t overpower you. You get to stay in charge and see what the next wise step is, not the fearful one.
Fear thoughts are very black and white, which makes us feel stuck. Go to a higher level of consciousness than these thoughts and find wisdom. Maybe you won’t have enough clients (whatever enough is), but maybe you’ll have one amazing client. Or maybe you’ll learn something important about how to develop your business. Turn away from the thoughts and open to all possibilities. That’s where fulfillment lies…
MyPeaceOfFood says
I think for me, fear drives my Should car. I react to my children misbehaving, as if they *shouldn’t* act that way, because what if they do it in front of someone else/what if someone sees/etc. Or, I *shouldn’t* spend so much money on food. We’ve talked about this before…I *should* save more money (afraid of what, going bankrupt? my husband getting angry?) or I *shouldn’t* eat X thing because it’s not healthy. It always boils down to a fear of not being accepted, of being judged and feeling ashamed. Not feeling safe in being me, in accepting things as they are. There’s always this catch for me, fearing specifically that I’m spending too much on health food, when eating healthy is in alignment and overspending is not!
Gail Brenner says
Hi Peace,
Now it’s all out there in black in white. The next investigation for you is about your willingness. Are you willing to investigate the direct experience of fear, beyond the content of these thoughts? Are you ready to see the truth in them?
Love to you…
Chris Wheaton says
I was so glad to see you quote Byron Katie. The Work has helped me thru many “fearful” situations. The question “Who would you be without that thought?” instantly brings me face to face with my egoic self that feeds on fear. I love your columns of wisdom. Thanks Gail
Gail Brenner says
So sweet to hear from you, Chris. Thank you…
I love that question also: Who would you be without that thought? A beautiful place of inquiry.
manik nath says
Dear Gail, thank you ,for your posts of new discovery to deal with fear. the three question you have mentioned , I have found there a long list of fear ,even my entire past life which was full of negativity in the form of fear . yes I have found the answer in that valuable three equation’s. Yes,I used to runaway to get rid of fear, and thus I was twisted more by fear, and found myself in fully doubt. there was only fear ,full of fear and fear, it seemed as if life will end up in the darkness. And as a results great changes was in my behaviour inside, I was afraid of reveals it , though I kept hope to deal with it. Finaly by Grace of ,,,”GOD” I have found the love and care by “YOU” , to love own self and how to lovingly deal with fear ,,
as usual ,my loving wishes will always for you more and more,, Thank you!!!
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for writing this, Manik. It’s possible to be very fearful, then do the work do fear no longer rules. You are a testimony to that and so am I. It’s inspiring for people to know what’s possible. I’m very happy for your realizations.
Linda Jaffe says
Hi Gail,
Thanks for getting me to look at fear. I didn’t think there was that much of it involved in my indecision about whether to retire or not. But then, as was talking to a friend one day this week, I heard myself say very loudly “It’s scary! Leaving LAUSD is scary!” LAUSD has been my big MAMA for so many years. Leaving her (not always so warm) embrace is kind of frightening. How wonderful to realize those feelings were there. Seeing the fear makes it much easier to let go of it and to follow my gut instinct which tells me it’s time to move on. Thanks so much Gail!
And PS..It was great meeting you at the meet-up…
Love, Lin
Gail Brenner says
Wonderful to hear, Lin! It’s so freeing to see the truth of what is actually present. Now that you know fear is here, you meet it and it begins to lose its power. Thanks for the report! I was so glad to meet you. Sending love…
Sunny says
Hello Gail
Fear closed my heart many many years ago, now the heart actually suffers physically from this, I have learned that the heart actually can take a lot of sorrow and pain, thats a part of keeping it open to the many aspects of life, but closing it wounds it in a way that demands a solution, I am now on a journey to open its doors again, and I feel so blessed that I know the physical symptoms woke me up to the reality and the solution have been given to me, I hope to one day have a heart as open as yours and feel so lucky to have found your wisdom and ligt to guid me, thank you, Sunny
Gail Brenner says
Hi Sunny,
I know it’s been several months since you left this comment, but I just realized that I missed it and didn’t respond. I’m so sorry!
I hope your journey of opening is continuing, and I’m so glad you have discovered the solution and the light to guide you.
We will stay in pain as long as the heart is closed. I’m happy for you that you are taking concrete steps to discover this natural state of ease and openness.
Crystal Jones says
Very timely post! Let’s me know I’m on track.
Thank you! ~Crystal
Niro says
I had a fear many years ago.. I am afraid to lose my friends so i tried to please them. I would do any help for them to keep them with me…
later i got to know that they had used me only to gain advantage from me. They didn’t love me at all…
Oh that painful moment! No one was there to comfort me.
It took me years to recover from tht pain. but still i have that fear…to lose someone i love!
Gail Brenner says
That sounds like such a painful situation, Niro. If that fear is still powerful for you, then you are still at risk for being hurt. And if you fear losing someone you love, that could make you hold back in your relationships so they can’t fully thrive.
So let’s get honest. The truth is that you will lose the ones you love. As beautiful as a relationship is, it’s temporary. Something will happen to end it, and maybe it ends by you or the other dying. But is that a reason to not be intimate with others? When we act on our fear, we miss out on such a wonderful experience to let our hearts open fully.
So if you’re afraid of getting close, get to know that fear very well so you can decide what you really want – not what the fear wants. Then go into relationships not to get anything, but simply for the joy of closeness and sharing. Relationships are everything – messy, difficult, amazingly fulfilling, joyful, mundane. When we cut ourselves off from them due to fear, we’re limiting the fullness of our expression in this human life.
So look inside and be honest with yourself. What do you really want? Maybe you’ll find that you don’t have to be limited by fear and everything is still just fine. If a relationship ends, you will survive, and it’s an opportunity for further learning about yourself.
Merelyn says
My question lies in how to deal with the fear of physical pain. I have an intermittent, unpredictable pain issue, which means I can spend all day wondering if today I will be bowled over with debilitating pain.
I am learning to sit with it. Indeed last time I had an “attack”, I sat with the physical feelings until they passed. As you said, I sat with the physical feelings and gave them space and a loving environment to just be….until it passed. So I was pretty happy with that…. But in the ensuing days it is so hard to stop the inner dialogue of “when will it come back?”, “should I do less?”, how do I stop the attack from starting? The fear monkey reigns supreme. It is so hard to turn off the inner dialogue when physical pain is involved.
I would love your advice!
Gail Brenner says
Don’t bother trying to turn off the inner dialogue, Merelyn. It doesn’t work, as you have discovered.
I’m glad that you are allowing physical feelings, then noticing that, with space and love – not resistance, they pass. These are the feelings that underlie these thoughts that are troublesome to you. When the thoughts grab you with a lot of force, always go to the feelings/sensations and welcome them. You may have to shift your attention a million times, but that’s okay.
So you’re there welcoming sensations, now shift your attention to the welcoming presence and begin to explore it. Just dip your toe in with curiosity. This is about becoming conscious of all that is, including consciousness itself.
Work with the thoughts as I describe here, and in the moment when you are the welcoming presence, the thoughts are just a whisper and don’t disturb.