“Fear is the cheapest room in the house.
I would like to see you living in better conditions.”
~Hafiz
Note: This is the third in the series of posts on fear. Please find the first two here and here.
Get out the pumpkins. Bring on the ghosts. It’s Halloween, and we’re going to investigate the spooky nature of fear.
Boo!
Actually, the fear that you take so seriously in your life is just like a costume you put on. When you’re dressed as a dragon, are you really a dragon? No. You take off the costume, and here you are in your natural brilliance. You know what’s true and what’s not.
Fearful Thoughts Aren’t True
It’s exactly the same with fear. Believing fearful thoughts is like believing you’re a dragon because you’re wearing a dragon costume. Just because a thought appears doesn’t mean it’s true.
Turn your attention away from these thoughts, stop making them your reality, and what do you discover? You’re here—alive and enthusiastic for your life. You realize that you’re not the scaredy-cat you thought you were. You’re here as your natural brilliance.
So many of us live in perpetual fear, and as a recovered fear addict, I can tell you there is another way.
Let the Pain of Fear Inspire You
If you need some inspiration to turn toward fear, consider this. Unexplored emotions cause disease. They transmute your cells so your immune system doesn’t function properly. And they wear out your nervous system because it stays on high alert.
Add to that the effect of anxiety and agitation on your quality of life. It’s utterly exhausting to be afraid all the time.
Fear can be sneaky. It’s the feeling behind the subtle unease you feel, the precursor to a mind spinning in doubt and worry.
If you want to find your way through fear, here’s what’s most important. You need to participate fully.
Applying Guidance to Your Own Experience
Just reading these words right now and feeling hopeful or calm for the moment is not enough. For many people, fear is the underlying driver of their waking life. It may not even lose its grip on you when you’re asleep. And by now, the expression of fear in your body and mind is highly conditioned.
If you don’t bring your heart and soul to this process, fear will continue to reign, guaranteed. It’s not going to magically disappear.
Do you need to hear that again? Fear isn’t going to magically disappear. It requires your attention, your passion for truth, your love, your earnestness, your sincere desire for peace.
Make it a priority, above all else, to investigate, inquire into, and feel the sensations of fear. Commit to being consciously aware of fear until you see there’s nothing to be afraid of. Rinse and repeat a million times because each moment you bring conscious awareness to fear is a moment of freedom.
Then go out there and let your full authentic truth guide you.
My Journey with Fear
When I first realized how much fear had invaded me, I was on fire to be free. I refused to live one more second of my life with that constant anxious agitation I knew so well. Many times each day, whenever I felt an inkling of fear, I sat down on the sofa, closed my eyes, and let my attention rest in the vast field of awareness as the sensations came and went.
Sometimes there were a few sensations. Sometimes they were everywhere and strong. Nothing really happened—I was simply being with what was present in the moment. But it was a completely different way of approaching fear—an approach based on truth.
Eventually, the experience of fear subsided. I stopped worrying about the future because those thoughts got no attention. I no longer doubted myself because I didn’t play into the doubting thoughts. The fears about whether or not I was liked or if I was accomplishing enough were seen as not meaningful.
I realized that without these fear thoughts, everything is just fine. The peace I thought I would never know is my abiding experience.
Now I take none of the content of those thoughts personally. When they arise, they’re barely a whisper in my mind. I take a breath, open to sensations in the body, and melt into infinite being with a heart overflowing with love.
Fear was never who I am, and now I know that for sure.
What About You?
I see who you really are, and I know you’re not really the scared, limited one you think you are. You are whole, complete, lacking nothing. You might believe the mask of fear you wear, but I see right through it.
This truth is here for you to see in any moment. Abandon thoughts and welcome the physical sensations of fear with relaxed openness. Then be that openness. This is where peace lies.
I am happy to hear your insights, questions, reports, and frustrations. Please click here to go to GailBrenner.com to comment.
Always in love,
Ma Amrit Savito says
Gail, thank you so much for your articles, I start my day with them. I’m not well and they surely help me every day. Blessings and Love to you. Savito
Gail Brenner says
I’m so glad they help you, Savito. Sending so much love to you….
randy says
I don’t usually post comments to blogs but I just wanted to let you know I always appreciate your emails and felt the need to come here to let you know that.
I am a 6’6″ 280 lb grandfather now in his 60s.
It wasn’t until recently that I discovered just how fearful I am.
In the past I would have told myself I’m not even afraid of death…how fearful can I be?!
But then I kept catching myself being concerned about events in the future (worst case scenarios) and it dawned on me that I’ve done this all my life!
To take the time to sit down and invite the fear in not only diminishes that fear but can be down right comical : )
Thanks Gail,
Randy
Gail Brenner says
I’m so excited to read your comment, Randy, because it’s exactly the point I’m trying to make in these posts.
Fear is subtle and sneaky, as you now know. So you need to look at all the worries, anxieties, and general sense that things aren’t okay. Lurking there is undoubtedly fear. So step #1: see it, know it’s there.
Then invite it in. It’s so simple – not to be afraid of fear but to simply sit and allow it to be here. Fear can’t stand up to this loving, welcoming attention, so it dissolves. And I love that you can even see that getting all caught up in fear is funny. It’s just like playing at being scared when you encounter a friend with a scary mask on. It’s not real!
And what freedom to not have that whole pattern constantly nipping at your heels.
Now you get to simply enjoy yourself. A big virtual hug to you…
Silvia says
Fears are the building blogs of our society. They are everywhere, fostered by families, schools, church, the government, all kind of adds and news, TV, movies, literature, the Internet… It is a constant bombardment of scary stimulus resounding with the ones already submerged in our unconscious being. It would be great to be able to observe consciously all of that, but the very nature of fear is totally overwhelming. Fear is designed to make us react automatically from the unconscious and that reaction is able to dissolve immediately any conscious observation… We can come back and we should do it repeatedly -rinse and repeat, as you said- but it is kind of exhausting!
Gail Brenner says
Hi Silvia,
You are so right about the culture of fear that we live in. The place of connection that makes each of us so afraid is that in-built need to survive and the fear of death that comes with a human body. Really, the ultimate fear that all fears refer to is the fear of death. And to avoid this, we are constantly on alert, wanting to protect ourselves and feel safe.
The invitation here is to question, is that who I really am. If you believe yourself to be a separate person with a specific life span, you will experience fear. But who are you really? And if you look, you’ll see that fear and the belief that you’re a separate, limited person arise in pure presence. It is conscious awareness, the vast universal space that the “small” self arises in. Living here, from this perspective, fear is only a temporary experience that comes and goes. It’s no longer scary and you don’t get hooked by it.
Rather than getting exhausted by always finding your way through fear, maybe you can see each time as an opportunity to return to your true home. Sanity is always here, once you realize it. Then go further to experiment with living from this space. Question who you are and let what’s not absolutely true no longer define you. This is the invitation that fear offers us—to rest in pure being and not hook onto what makes us suffer.
You’ll find absolute trust and nothing to worry about.
Silvia says
Thank you, Gail.
manik nath says
Dear gail, thank you for all that you shared. yes off course fear itself is like a trap ,where all around we see hopeless thought, end of life as life is at end. this time, I also like to share my personal fear , I had gone through this many times. “”one particular morning , I was back from morning walk ,suddenly I started to feel something unnatural ,as I am out of life ,my all body became abnormal having no any interest on anything ,my mom offered me the breakfast but I couldn’t take that. I was in great doubt ,that some will make crazy ,moreover for one moment to take poison and I sheared this at last to my mom and my uncle, then my uncle gave me a magazine to read ,as soon as I start to read that sensation was no more , but I had gone through so many time ,whenever I be alone in day or at night , then I start to find the way by collecting book on inspiration, though it was not satisfactory, “””” And finaly I have learned a lot how to be with true , and to be with fear lovingly ,,,
I am really graceful to you “”Dear ,”GAIL”” for the consciousness and to live in peace with heart and soul,,,,,,,,, thanks!!!!!!!”
Gail Brenner says
Beautiful, Manik! Being with fear lovingly…then it loses its power to define us.
Nick says
I do not understand how to sit and welcome the fear and be aware can you explain how to do this
randy says
I’m assuming you’re referring to my post so I’ll give it a shot at explaining (but hope that Gail jumps in).
Here’s an example:
I’m a semi-retired videographer that occasionally shoots legal video depositions for a malpractice attorney. This guy by most peoples’ standards is a huge A-hole (but very rich and successful). He’s about 4′ tall and 3′ wide and I tower over him but he could flip my fear button on as soon as he entered the room. I would start dreading these depositions days in advance and check, re-check and then check again all of my equipment to make sure everything was working properly and have back-ups in case they were to fail… yet I was still anxious thinking about all of the things that could go wrong on my end. A couple of times I’m convinced that I generated enough negative/fearful anxiety that I actually malfunctioned equipment and had to resort to the back-ups (but that’s whole other story).
Anyway, people like Gail, Eckhart Tolle, Oprah, Joe Dispenza, etc are slowly convincing me how I’m cheating myself when I let my “monkey mind” go to these extremes. If I take the time to sit down and “think” about (traditional meditation is not my strong suit) about how silly it is to let my mind go there, I’m slowly able to relieve the anxiety…then I can realize things like, this attorney is a person doing the best he can with what he knows at this point of his life and that he was probably picked on all his life and has grown to believe being an A-hole is what he feels is his best defense.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, there were 2 depos scheduled to take all day. This time, I did my best to “send him” empathy and love instead of feeling/absorbing the negative energy of the room. The first depo took 25 minutes and the second one took 7 and he actually smiled at me while leaving (I didn’t know he was capable of smiling) and cheerfully said see you next time. I said okay, have a nice flight and felt an indescribable feeling I hope to have again soon.
I don’t know if I answered your question as it’s probably different for everyone (especially if you’re good at meditation) but science has already proven that fear and anxiety are products of the mind and that they were designed to tell us to run from the approaching lion… but hey, there ain’t no lions in my neighborhood!
Your pal,
Randy
Gail Brenner says
What a great story, Randy! You’re simply not taking these crazy thoughts seriously, which leaves you space for other options. You changed the whole dynamic in your relationship with this attorney by steeping yourself in empathy and love and willingly offering it out from a generous heart.
A few years ago I had a problem with online identity theft. These people were doing some things that were not very nice at all. I took all the measures I needed to to protect myself, but also sent them (whoever they were) love, caring, and understanding. It was a way of being in the situation that felt much more true than going into fear about someone taking my identity. Somehow it made me feel safe – it was a hassle, but I knew the most important thing couldn’t be stolen from me, which is the heart.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Nick,
I am sure you aren’t the only one with this question, so I’m going to address it in the next post. Please stay tuned…
randy says
I (for one) am looking forward to it Gail!
Thanks very much,
Randy
RT says
I so love reading your posts Gail,so much to learn and grow from,thank you.
I wanted to contribute again to these sequences of discussions in regards to fear because I feel it has become an over powering emotion during my journey.
I feel because I am starting my life again (after separating at the age of 53)that not having the security or financial support around has allowed fear to move in with me. There were many times I woke at night because of bad dreams about my future envisioning myself struggling or not coping.
And one day I realized if I didn’t stop fear dictating my future that I would not cope with things right now. That worrying was depleting my energy and I needed all the energy I had to get through now.
So I decided when I had fearful dreams I would change them to how I wanted to see myself, happy,healthy and strong. It’s amazing how the fear dissipates when your positive image overtakes. It’s like nothing allows it to get in its way.
So everyday I try to not focus on my concerns and fears about my future and as you said Gail:”We don’t know what’s going to happen because we’re not there yet” and put all my energy in what choices and steps I have control over right now. I have learned the best thing I can do for myself right now, to feel safe and supported, is to be there for me. By giving “my full attention”.
Gail Brenner says
This is so intelligent, RT! I love how you’re looking at the problem with a true intention to find the solution. This means changing – not buying into your worries, but focusing on the here and now. I’m very happy for you that your are meeting this situation like this.
It’s a myth to expect that life will never be difficult. But meeting what happens with clarity and intelligence is life-affirming – it’s love in action.
randy says
“It’s a myth to expect that life will never be difficult. But meeting what happens with clarity and intelligence is life-affirming – it’s love in action.”
ohhh, that’s good!
RT says
Thank you so much Gail for your kind words and support which mean so much to me.
I have been learning (and continue to learn& grow)from great and wonderful teachers,as yourself, who have guided and taught me along the way. So grateful to have you in my life and even more so during this challenging time. Thank you so much Gail.
Tristan says
‘It requires your attention, your passion for truth, your love, your earnestness, your sincere desire for peace.’
Reading that is like taking a deep breath of fresh air.
Where is everyone?? 10% present and 90% absent. I saw the movie “Jeff, Who Stays at Home” last night, and am so eager for that moment when we all wake up.
Gail Brenner says
And it happens in the moment, Tristan. All we can really be concerned about is our own awakening. As everything is interconnected, that changes the overall fabric. Love ripples out – it just seems to work like that.
Marie says
Hi Gail,
Any thoughts about what to do about fear that isn’t about a real and immediate danger but that has some validity on the horizon?
I have financial concerns but can do little about them right now because of serious present health concerns that will take a while to sort out. Some of my long term concerns have some truth to them that needs to be addressed. I can’t seem to keep these worries at bay even though it will be a while before I can really tackle them.
Any thoughts?
Thanks for your great posts.
Marie
Gail Brenner says
Hi Marie,
I’m a fan of not suffering, and thinking/worrying about some potentially negative outcome that you can’t now do anything about is a recipe for suffering. What’s true and needed now? Take good care of yourself, and when something needs to and can be done about your financial situation, deal with it then. This keeps it simple.
Marie says
Hi Gail,
Addition to question above ….
Do you think it is useful to ask “Is this fear a warning about something that is true and do I need to take an action about this?”
Are there any pitfalls to avoid or approaches to recommend when looking at whether there is validity to the fear?
Marie
Gail Brenner says
I’m not sure that’s the question, Marie: Is there validity to the fear? You either deal with the situation or you don’t. What I heard in your other comment is that you can’t take action right now. If you can, and intelligence tells you what action to take, then of course do it. If you can’t, focus on what’s right here in front of you and deal with that lovingly.
I can feel the fear in your comments. Take a breath, turn toward it, and say “hello.” It’s okay. Dial down the anxiety so you can see clearly what needs to be done now, if anything. You can’t know everything, and that’s okay. Dealing with it this way will only serve your healing.
Tricia says
I like your posts on freedom from fear! I’ve lived my whole life being scared and just this past year made a personal commitment to finally breaking free of my own made up problems. It’s a process and I’ve got a ways to go but I, definitely moving forward. I’m glad I came across this site, very empowering. 🙂
Gail Brenner says
I love hearing about your path, Tricia. It shows what’s possible once we make the commitment to discover the truth – that we can “break free of our own made up problems!”
Patrick Dorsey says
Hi Gail,
I am reading your book and utilizing the resources you are so kindly sharing and finding them all quite helpful. Thank you so much for your work in helping alleviate unnecessary suffering.
I have a question tho about this remark in the above post: “Unexplored emotions cause disease. They transmute your cells so your immune system doesn’t function properly. And they wear out your nervous system because it stays on high alert.”
I don’t doubt your statement just wonder if there are any actual scientific studies that confirm it.
If so, could you possibly cite them to me? I’m in the health care field myself and as you know these days scientific based studies are the gold standard.
Maybe they’ve always been but with all the chicanery that is going on these days and with all the outrageous claims being made about virtually everything, including so called enlightenment, I am curious from a professional standpoint where your statement is coming from.
You may want to keep this post a private communication, that’s fine by me.
Thanks again,
Gail Brenner says
Hi Patrick,
I appreciate your question. There is much research available now in the growing area called psychoneuroimmunology. This integrative area of study looks at the relationship between emotions, the immune system, and disease. This is mostly mediated through the stress response. We feel and can report psychological stress, and with that goes a number of reactions in the body that are implicated in disease when the stress is chronic.
One example is that expressed hostility is a strong predictor of heart disease.
Besides heart disease, there is evidence showing that stress is related to hypertension, asthma, diabetes, and gastrointestinal problems.
Research has shown how our nervous system and our hormones affect our susceptibility to diseases as varied as depression, arthritis, AIDS, and chronic fatigue syndrome. And what affects our nervous system and hormones? Emotions is clearly one factor. Researcher Dr. Esther Sternberg says in her book, “The Balance Within: The Science Connecting Health and Emotions,” that it’s not emotions themselves that cause disease (so perhaps my statement in the post is not completely correct), but emotions affect mediating factors such as the stress response and hormones. For a summary of her work, please go here.
And in the converse, there is evidence that techniques such as meditation, gratitude practice, and forgiveness create new pathways in the brain that promote physical and psychological health. Consider this quote, “‘There is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed,’ says Karen Swartz, M.D., director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The Johns Hopkins Hospital. Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.” Source
This response to your question barely touches the surface of the research available, but I hope it gives you a taste of this new and exciting field.
Patrick Dorsey says
Thanks so much Gail, I appreciate your thorough response. Wonderful that the research is validating the body mind connection
Gail Brenner says
I came across this video today, Patrick, with two expert researchers explicating in great detail about how the mind-body connection works.
Virginia says
I truly appreciate your writings and your mind!
My relationship with fear is a tough one that I can’t seem to figure out.
I backpack for hundreds and sometimes thousands of miles. When I encounter fear and anxiety, it’s so real I’m practically staring down its throat. The situations that are particularly fear- and anxiety-producing are when I am crossing rivers and when I’m climbing on exposed terrain. Sure, it’s natural to have fear in these instances, but there have been times when it’s escalated to produce hyperventilating, crying, and panic. This is NOT safe and NOT good to feel when the margin for error is small or non-existent.
I love backpacking so much, but I can’t seem to get over this fear of falling, fear of getting hurt, fear of dying.
As I mentioned, the probability of my fears playing out are relatively high if I don’t keep it together and move with confidence. My boyfriend moves through these situations with ease, so I know it is possible!
I’ve tried exploring this more, but feel stuck and unsure where to go.
Do you have any advice before I embark on a 5,200 mile backpacking trip next year?
Lengths of love!
Gail Brenner says
You’re obviously backpacking such long trips because you love it. Maybe view this fear as a sign to focus and get very present. Fear takes you out of the present situation by running through all the dire possibilities in your mind. Don’t listen to what the mind is telling you. Instead, reconnect with why you are there in the first place – your love of this activity – and focus on just the step you are taking. The mind may run on with negative outcomes, but breathe and bring your attention fully in the moment.
Hope you have a wonderful time!
Virginia says
Thank you so much for your care in addressing my question. I will use that advice, as I am on a journey to bring more present moment awareness into my life. I know you are right that this is what I need to overcome these fears.
I appreciate you, Gail, and I love your writings!
Gail Brenner says
Big hug to you, Virginia!
dhananjoy says
Dear Gail your words are so beautiful. I never miss your articles. I feel relaxed and sometimes wonder how you get all those ideas.
With a lot of admiration from dhananjoy
Gail Brenner says
I always share my own experience, dhananjoy. Lovely to hear from you!
Jeffrey says
So simple, yet so powerful : “just because a thought appears, it doesn’t mean it’s true “. Thanks for sharing.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, we make so much out of thoughts. They are just a string of sounds that we give meaning to. Even familiar thoughts that we have come to take as true our asking to be investigated and not taken for granted.
Jeff says
Awesome 3 part series. Enjoyed re-reading it.
Bev says
Hi Gail,
I am in the process of reading your book, Suffering is Optional and am unclear on the process of welcoming feelings. I understand being in the moment and how identifying with thoughts and stories take me away from the present moment. However, putting my intention on body sensations only, does not seem to connect me with my emotions. When I go inside I am aware of various sensations and can usually stay with them even if they are uncomfortable. If however I go into my body and think of an emotion like anger or shame (without a story attached) I get a much more forceful body reaction that feels like constriction (resistance and upset). As I believe this is labelling, which you say not to do, I am unclear if I should avoid doing so and to continue solely welcoming whatever sensations I feel. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Bev
Gail Brenner says
Hi Bev,
Beautiful question. I love how interested you are in connecting within and finding freedom.
Letting go of stories opens you up to being aware of the rest of your experience – feelings, sensations, and the experience of bring aware itself. This includes what comes in through your senses – hearing, seeing, etc., the sensations of the breath, energies in the body, and anything else you experience.
When you are aware of sensations in your body, just notice what is happening, including areas that might feel dense, numb, or shut down. Being aware of what’s happening in the body is being intimate with your present moment experience. If you notice a feeling, say anger, then shift into the body to see how anger is appearing in the body. If it’s strong or weak – it doesn’t matter, just be with what is.
I understand that the experiences in the body may be stronger when a feeling has appeared. The instruction is to just be lovingly as welcoming presence with whatever sensations arise, whether or not they’re associated with an emotion. Hope that’s helpful!