āLiberation is not an acquisition, but a matter of courage, the courage to believe that you are free already and to act on it.ā
~Nisargadatta Maharaj
How does your world look to you? Is it scary and uninviting? Filled with people who complicate your life? Does it leave you with a sense that something’s missing?
As a formerly unhappy and confused person, now recovered, here’s what I’ve learned: It has nothing to do with the world.
Our worlds are a projection of our inner state. That’s right. There’s no objective world “out there.” Take two people with two different histories and two different perspectives. They’ll see the exact same situation in two completely different ways.
It’s like you’re looking out through a window. If your window is layered with programmed habits that define your experience, your inner state is limited and edgy. If your view is pristine and clear, with nothing in the way, you’re open, expansive, and available to what is.
What is your window onto the world? Is it murky, filled with the smudges of emotions, fears, and distorted beliefs and expectations? Then you’ll find a disappointing world out there where people are driven by their own emotions and situations will fail to meet your needs.
Is your window clear? You’ll engage with open, loving people who aren’t steeped in drama. You’ll find fulfillment and happiness effortlessly.
How It Works: An Example
Say that your intimate relationships just don’t go well. Somehow you end up with someone who creates conflict, who triggers you unendingly, or who doesn’t treat you with love and respect. It’s no mystery as to why these patterns recur for you, and it has nothing to do with the other.
It’s about your own inner experience.
- Maybe you believe a sad story that you’re not deserving. Then you’ll choose someone who doesn’t appreciate you.
- Maybe you have lots of ideas about what your partner should say and do. There will be no way he or she can possibly satisfy you.
- Maybe you’ve been burned by relationships in the past. Your protective walls will prevent you from experiencing true intimacy. Your partner will want more from you than you’re willing to give.
And if you show up with a loving heart, with preferences but not expectations, you’re already fulfilled. You’ll choose wisely and flow like water when difficulties arise.
The Sacred Path to Clarity
I’m going to go out in a limb here and assume that what you want is ease and clarity. You want your window to be clear so you don’t get knotted up by situations that leave you spinning to try to figure them out. You want to feel okay about yourself, others, and the things that happen.
It may be easier than you think to experience this way of being.
There’s a spiritual practice called “neti-neti,” which means “not this, not that.” You take everything that arises in your experience, and you see it as not really you. A thought that you’re not good enough? Not you. A feeling of fear? Not you. A belief that you’ll get rejected if you get too close? Not you, as it’s a projection into the future and not about what’s happening now.
Neti-neti invites you to see what is actually true. And it’s not these distorted experiences that muck up your window.
Underneath all your patterns, your fears and hurt feelings, your rigid expectations is peace. When you see these habits as simply objects that pass through your consciousness, you don’t need to make them your reality, and you’re peaceful. The smudges come, but you don’t grab them so they don’t stick to your clear window. Neti-netiāthey’re not you.
Experience this right now, if you can. Take an old familiar thought you’ve been thinking about yourself for decades. Now, imagine it floating though your mind without taking hold of it. There it goes…and here you are, free of it in this moment.
Now, feel a familiar impulse to lash out or pull away. Let it move through, and it doesn’tĀ disturb.
You can inhabit the space of presence, the stable ground of being, where you’re free of these personal complications. Here, your window is clean. There may be shadows that cross it, but they move through without creating trouble.
See past them, and here you are…so crystal clear that your inner light shines brightly, everywhere. Let your life emerge from this clarity. It’s a blessed life in true service to love.
What About You?
How’s your window? Can you find the space of clear seeing? I’d love to hear… And if you’re reading by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.
Melanie says
Hi Gail!
I couldn’t have come upon your page at a more perfect time. I has been in a relationship with thd father of my child for about 8 years on and off…you would have thought we were in a contest for the most breaks ups followed by getting back together…it was quite ridiculous when I look back…we’ve been apart since May and I have been going through some really hard times…not really because I miss him and want to get back with him, but because it was a terrible relationsbip filled with verbal abuse, occasional physical abuse and manipulation. I was the receiver. I loved the guy, but I had to leave when we had a child because even though I took the abuse before, I couldn’t let our child grow up seeing this behavior…I’m also gling to state that although I wasnt abusive, I could have done many things better as well. I had expectations and sat back and waited for them to happen. But, recently I feel like I’ve been dating people just to show myself that I am lovable and I am pretty and desirable and all of this and I knew in the back of my mind that I was just going lut with these guys because I was trying to make myself feel good and I knew that it wasn’t the right thing to do…which brings me to the last few weeks…I started dating a long time friend and surf buddy. ..we’ve been friends and surfed together for at least 10 years and just recently decided to take it further…I have so many fears that I couldn’t even keep it together…I constantly think about the depression and sadness I felt in my previous relationship and the rejection I felt and it kept me from giving fully in this relationship. I held back my affection and love because I was afraid that something was about to go wrong like it always has I the past (I also was married to my first love at an early age and he had an affair…it took me yearsss to get over that). I just couldn’t feel comfortable in my own skin and give freely of myself because I don’t accept myself I guess…I don’t really know for sure yet…I say I love myself, but I am not sure I do…it hurts to say that, but I really don’t know…I constantly look lutsjde of myself for love and affection and it does come to me, but I have these walls built up because I’m afraid to be happy and then to get it ripped out from under me…this guy I was dating would have been perfect for the real me…I know this…but I’ve managed to block him from my true self too…and the silly thing is…even though I tried to lrotect myself from getting hurf…I got hurt anyways…I don’t know jf this makes sense…but I thanks for reading and thanks for your articles…I’ve already read half of them in one day. š
Gail Brenner says
I hear you, Melanie, and now you get that your world is a projection of your inner state. But that works in all ways. Your inner intelligence told you to leave this abusive man when you had a child, and you did. When we have those glimpses through conditioning and into the truth of ourselves, loving circumstances are created in the world.
I hear two core points in your comment: fear of being hurt again and looking outside yourself for love and affection. This is where your attention needs to go, to inquire into these emotions and habits and finally see that you are already whole.
I love your thirst for guidance. As you read, make sure you apply what you read to your own direct experience. Then it’s alive in the moments of your life and habits begin to subside.
Amanda says
Gail,
First of all Thank You for your posts. You’ve been a large part of helping me overcome several situations in my life and this recent post triggered me to get serious about another issue that’s been nagging at me.
I used to have a pretty loud and scary temper. I would lash out, throw things, say hurtful words, etc. behavior I’m embarrassed to admit that I did. After nearly two years of conscious and diligent work I no longer have that reaction. Yes, of course I still get angry, but I’m so much more at peace with that emotion. I let it sit, work through to the root and then create a solution. However there is one person in my life that can make me more angry than anyone else and there’s something about him that just makes my skin itch with agitation. Nearly every time we talk I feel judged by him and like I’m being talked down to.
Let me add that I have been able to love and forgive most everyone in my life that has hurt me – some of them seriously abusive for years, but I’ve forgiven them and can now wish them happiness. But with this one person I’m stuck. I think that somehow these two things are connected but I haven’t quite pieced together where. I want to forgive him. I want to accept him just as he is. I want to be around him without our conversations always turning to arguments.
Do you have any past posts that could help me with this? This post got me questioning if I’m looking at him through a murky window, but I’m sure there’s much more to it. In fact I’m sure of it as I’m trying to work through 30 years of this frustration.
Thank you for listening and I appreciate any insight and suggestions you may have.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Amanda,
First of all, good for you for all the work you’ve done to move through some very challenging situations. It inspires everyone to hear about your experience, so thank you for sharing it here.
It sounds like you need to go right into where you’re stuck with this person. I don’t know enough details to go much further with this, but there is something tangled up about him and/or how he relates to your past that hasn’t been fully seen. So, yes, I would call this a murky window that is asking for exploration. I hear that you want to be able to be around him without arguing. Again, I can’t really tell, but I would ask you to check inside and make sure that this is a wise goal for you. If you both are arguing, he is also involved in some kind of dance with you.
Here are a couple of posts that might relate: 10 Life-Changing Facts About Anger
The Graceful Path of Emotions
Feel free to let me know how it goes…
Marianna says
The knowledge that we are not our thoughts is so powerful for me. I think a lot of things that do not make me a stronger or brighter human. I am not those thoughts. If Ic an slow down enough to see myself falling into old beliefs and stories I can easily change those beliefs and stories into a clearer reflection of who and what I am. I really enjoyed this post, and I am always glad when I see your name in my inbox. Blessings, Mariannna
Gail Brenner says
This sentence made me smile, Marianna, because it defines the human condition: “I think a lot of things that do not make me a stronger or brighter human.” This is something that happens for all of us, so seeing the truth of these thoughts can be the inspiration to realize that they don’t actually define us.
I love that you see how easy it can be to be peaceful – so that you can live as a “clear reflection” of who you really are.
Blessed life….
Bles says
I that type who wants to be aware of what’s going on around me. So I watch new reports, listen to comments from the press, see what’s transpiring in Washington, DC , the seat of the federal gov’t , which I happen to live, hear about Ebola crisis, wars etc. With lots of information, my mind takes in, I develop fear, paranoia, even hatred. What’s going on in the world, in society, I always ask? No matter what the story of plot, I seem to energize dissonance3. And what this energy I’m exuding is really what I don’t want to happen! Notice in the sentence above where in I mentioned…..”my mind takes in…” Too many thoughts, ideas, feelings, fears. I realize what if I cultivate my energy towards the present moment, then to the next moment, then to the next. I remembered what you said in one of your blogs, Gail that “I am” is vast, spacious, limitless, inexhaustible. I am of infinite potential.
If “I am” could the outside world be just an indicator of my infinite ability to become the real, authentic Bles? realizing that perhaps the world may not be that valuable. That the world needs me, and I don’t need it. It’s all in my mind that I need to be this or that, or I am the one responsible for all that happens.
Let me suggest this to all — Re-visit Gail’s blog on August 4, 2014 titled “The Beauty and Ease of Accepting Things as They Are.” Under the heading “How To Accept”, and you find something that helped me see the world and will also help you do the same. It starts with something, “Acceptance is taking an honest look as what they are right now. You let go of the judging or interpreting…..” Accept that what you choose to energize comes from your mind whose sole responsibility is thinking, idealizing, and feeding emotions. Yes, it’s not going to be an overnight success, but the choice is yours, hopefully, that is a sacred choice.
Let me leave you with a quote from author Leo Tolstoy (War and Peace, Anna Karennina, etc). “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” Let me add that his excellent quote, how about the choice of being “always in the present?” I’m beginning to depend on it š
Happy Thanksgiving! —— Bles
Gail Brenner says
I love how you’re working your way through all of this, Bles. As my British husband would say, “The penny is dropping,” meaning that the true understanding that can set you free is landing in you. These are insights that can only serve you well.
Love to you…
Bles says
Indeed, the “penny is dropping.”
There were times I almost believe that the solution for human’s clamor for peace, enjoyment and serenity is always “being in the present.” Well, I’m aware, and one of these days, I will truly get there…..
Carol pitman says
Wow, patience. It changes the way l will live my life
Thanks.
Gail Brenner says
In all things, Carol. Take any moment. It’s just the right moment, tailored for you, and asks for our patience and acceptance.
Aun says
Hi Gail,
You are such a beautiful person! Your words have so much power. You have taught me a lot of beautiful ways of looking at this world!
Best wishes,
Aun
Gail Brenner says
So beautiful to hear, Aun! Thank you so much…
Omar says
Dear Gail
Congratulations on your new website, it looks amazing!
Your blog posts and comments have helped me so much in my healing, and I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I still apply many of your strategies to dealing with fear, anxiety, anger, etc. I have always been a person who felt a lot since childhood, and never knew how to deal with these feelings in a healthy way. Your words were a breath of fresh air and as I read your posts over and over again everything clicked. You taught me the right coping mechanisms in a time of confusion.
I wish you the best always in your career and personal life. Your generosity and deep sincerity are obvious to anyone who reads your words.
To your continued success!
Omar
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for all of your kind words, Omar. It makes my heart sing to hear how you are putting these strategies into practice. You’re an inspiration!
Much love to you….
Elise says
Thank you, I needed to read those words today.
My stressful thoughts, my worries and fears, are not me. They’re just thoughts passing by.
Thank you for your articles, they are a blessing.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, Elise, thoughts passing by, and you don’t need to grab them. Amazing that this is the possibility for all of us!
Mary Jaksch | A-List Blogging says
Inspiring post!
I love the quote: “Liberation is not an acquisition, but a matter of courage, the courage to believe that you are free already and to act on it.”
Gail Brenner says
Lovely to see you over here, Mary! I appreciate your comment.
Lynn Johnston says
Beautifully said, Gail!
Gail Brenner says
Thanks, Lynn! I appreciate your stopping by.
Sharon Greene says
Excellent post! I have not heard of neti-neti before although it is the same principle I guess used in mindful meditation. You got a new subscriber.
Gail Brenner says
A warm welcome to you, Sharon! Neti-neti is similar to mindfulness. In pure mindfulness, you rest as aware space, and all thoughts, feelings, and sensations come and go. These two practices meet, when you realize that none of those is you. It’s amazing to realize that you are the space, always at peace with itself.
PJ Reece says
Wow… starting with Nisargadatta and then followed quickly with “Thereās no objective world out there” — that’s radical stuff. Are you sure there’s more than a dozen people out there who will welcome this into their lives? I mean, non-dualism implies there’s only ONE. Which means there’s no separate me nor you. Are you prepared to hammer on this drum week in and week out? I hope so! We need it. Yikes, And I thought my blog was esoteric. Anyway, I like the clean look of your template. Congrats.
Gail Brenner says
The answers to your questions, PJ, “Yes, yes, and yes!” Everyone out there wants to know the end of suffering. There’s something in all of us that knows the truth that we’re not separate. It’s what spurs the spiritual search and impels us to keep looking for happiness. The only thing is – with conventional “wisdom,” we’re looking in the wrong place. The peace we’re looking for is not “out there,” it’s right here. And I try to make this possibility very practical and accessible to everyone in my writings.
Lovely to meet a fellow truth lover…
T.O. Weller says
Hi PJ! Really, isn’t this the same message you wrote in your last post? It’s how the story ends. It is, ultimately, a union that goes beyond the perception that we are isolated and separate: love.
T.O. Weller says
This is closely aligned with my recent message — you perceive what you believe.
The more I’m able to step back and observe, the more I experience that we are ONE, with each other and all that is around us. It’s when we forget this that we create suffering, for ourselves and/or for others.
This is not a new concept. Far from it! It’s just that here in the West, we’ve had blinders on … until now. š
Gail Brenner says
Hi TO. Thanks so much for stopping by. I agree, this isn’t a new concept – it’s reality, the truth of how things are. And understanding how our thoughts work to create separation and suffering shows the way to freedom.
It’s beautiful that you experience the oneness of everything, where suffering isn’t even possible!
Jake says
Gail, good luck with this..this could be challenging. I am a sport and exercise psychologist in mid-life, furiously combating my sport and exercise cynicism. I write to you for insight..how, why am I trapped by this negative thinking when mental and physical health is so absent in so many people who need help? I can say I feel passionate about bringing change and improvement to them, but my efforts feel futile. How’s that for starters? Jake
Gail Brenner says
Hi Jake,
I’ve been where you are many years ago when I started out as a psychotherapist. I would feel frustrated that people weren’t changing in ways I knew would benefit them. I have learned a lot about this over the years from a professional, practical, and spiritual perspective. What I know now is that I don’t have any control about what the other person says or does. I show up and do my best with heartfelt intent, but I am not attached to the other person’s outcome. I don’t take it personally at all whether they end up changing or not. In fact, that is not my business. My business is only to follow and express what I know to be true.
There has been so much freedom in not being attached to other people’s outcomes and it has brought tremendous joy to my work. So maybe you can explore within the attachment you have to people improving, as I think that is part of why you are negative and cynical.
Miriam says
I don’t even remember what I Googled to get here. It’s exactly what I needed. After some reflection on what consciousness is and our true nature beyond the human experience and programming: I was looking for resources to remind me of what we truly are, a divine collective.????