Note: I’m so happy to announce that my book, “The End of Self-Help: Discovering Peace and Happiness Right at the Heart of Your Messy, Scary, Brilliant Life” will be published this Thursday, April 16. If you’ve been helped at all by anything you’ve read on this blog, you can help others by purchasing a copy on Amazon.com. As people start buying it now, Amazon will promote it to an even wider audience who will hear about its messageâthat peace is truly possible in any moment. This is what I’d love everyone to know!
Here is an excerpt from Chapter 4, “Running and Staying.”
Always in love,
Gail
When you run from parts of yourself, you set up an inner war. Experiences appearâfeelings, sensations in your bodyâyet you deny them. You turn away and pretend they donât exist or you react to them with anger and resistance. Meanwhile, youâre preoccupied with your attention drawn into stories that make up your life circumstances, roles you play out, and behavior patterns that create the illusion of your limited identity. Itâs a kind of violence. Youâre fighting reality, evading the truth of the moment, cutting off a tender and valid experience thatâs part of the totality. And you mistakenly believe youâre limited.
Yet, in our everyday world, this seems normal. As avoidance of feelings becomes a habit, our lives feel pressured and off-track. We have to keep moving because weâre afraid to be quiet or alone. Society constantly bombards us with messages that pull us away from ourselvesâto buy more, do more, be more. And as soon as weâre unhappy, we think we need pills or the next self-help fad to fix it. Weâre told that reality as we actually experience it is not okay. This is what we call life.
Every time you move away from the essence of your true nature, you avoid some aspect of your experienceâand end up feeling fragmented. Part of you needs to stay hidden behind closed doors, while another part stands as sentry to make sure the secret feelings stay locked away. Meanwhile, youâre out in the worldâor stuck in your headâcompulsively keeping yourself occupied so you donât feel the feelings. Life seems complex, disconnected, and confusing.
Things get even more complicated when these avoidance strategies turn into ways that you define yourself. You take on an identity: unworthy one, self-absorbed one, or one who is overwhelmed or depressed. You fall victim to these ways of being until you feel like youâre imprisoned in a steel trap, and youâre completely distracted from your essential core as aware presence. Yes, youâre breathing, and the days pass. But who are you? Whose life is this? Were you meant to search and hope forever? You must be in there, somewhere.
The Root Cause of Habits
Take any problem you haveâanything you do or any tendency you play out that doesnât serve you. If you unwind it back to its source, youâll find a feeling that youâve been avoiding. And itâs this unexamined feeling that makes you think youâre separate. Say that you tend to be a people-pleaser. Shining a light on this tendency, youâll notice that sometimes you feel obligated to do what others want you to do. You might tell yourself a familiar story about what you have to do or whatâs expected of you. But if you look more directly at this feeling of obligation, youâll become aware of some inner discomfort, a sense of being ill at ease. And if you investigate even more closely, you might find feelings of fear, sadness, lack, or emptiness.
So there you are, out in the world, living through the lens of believing you need to please others. You might even feel resentful or depleted because of it. All your efforts are about trying to come to a place of peace within yourself, reasoning, âIf I make them happy, theyâll finally love and accept me.â But with your attention outside yourself, grasping what you think you need, youâre avoiding your innermost feelings. And you donât realize that the deepest peace is available, right here in any moment, by turning your kind and spacious attention toward understanding the nature of these feelings. Here is where you can discover that youâre already whole, and hereâs where the possibility for seeing through this painful way of being resides.
Consider addictions, self-defeating behavior patterns, or interpersonal strifeâavoidance of feelings is the culprit whenever youâre suffering. Take a look at any area of your life that isnât working for you, and youâll surely find some challenging feelings lurking.
- Do you limit your expression in the world? Fear is driving you.
- Do you drink or eat too much? Some feeling is eating away at you or drowning you.
- Do you complain? Youâre likely to be irritated or disappointed.
- Are you emotionally triggered by certain people? Do you continually make self- defeating choices? You havenât yet discovered the feelings hidden outside your conscious awareness.
This is why you feel like a hamster on a wheel. When feelings are suppressed, they donât disappear. Instead, they run the show from behind the scenes. Youâre like a puppet, with unexplored emotions pulling your strings. These feelings push you to engage in behaviors and thought processes that falsely define youâand block the happiness you desire.
Reclaiming Yourself
The journey back to wholeness, beyond the fragments and cut-off places within you, involves shining the light of presence on emotions that have been hiding out in the shadows. You realize pure presenceânot to heal or fix anything, or to change your behavior, or become a better personâbecause the truth of you has never been broken. These are traps that reinforce the false belief about who you areâand miss the possibility of resting in presence, available right now.
Instead, you reclaim these forgotten realms of unexplored feeling because theyâre here, real, and valid. Theyâre an aspect of pure reality that takes shape as feelings, a sacred manifestation of the whole of life to be honored, not shunned.
What About You?
Are unexamined feelings driving you? What happens when you welcome them in? I’d love to hear… And if you’re reading by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.
Richard Prosapio says
Frankly, I think I’ve spent way too MUCH time examining my feelings to the detriment of living my life in the moment. This kind of self-absorption has been a way of driving myself crazy….that’s why I call myself a “recovering therapist”. Tired of the look within, I want more time, the time that is left to me at 80, to look around.
Gail Brenner says
I love that you got to the point, Richard, where you were done with the analysis and decided you just wanted to live. Since there’s no problem, you’re living fully and happily, and there’s nothing to explore. Congratulations!
I completely agree that we can get self-absorbed in feelings, trying to figure them out. But, as you know, that’s not the way through them. We need to see what a feeling really is – a story and physical sensations. When we totally let the story go – and this is possible as I do it every day – the whole problem loses its oomph, and there’s peace. Peace is absolutely possible in any moment.
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. I love that you’re appreciating the simple joys of just looking around…
silvia says
I posted a comment yesterday and it is not showing…
I see only one comment here. Maybe something is not working with the posting function.
Gail Brenner says
I got this one, Silvia, but not one from yesterday. So sorry! There were some problems with the site that are now fixed. Can you repost?
manik nath says
Dear Gail,
That’s for your illustrations . I become happy every time reading your every blogs, you know that ,so many time I founded myself guilty in various circumstances, and then Repent like ,”this should be done in deferent way” !! experiencing this kind of emotion still makes me unfulfillment and unhappy . yes now I can understand keep in touch with real feelings it gives the inner peach, but still I fail to overcome the Fear,anxiety, criticized and sensitivity…
With more love and respect .
Thank you
Gail Brenner says
I always love hearing from you, Manik. These feelings feel so real, but when you take a breath and step back from them, they begin to lose their power. Then you can realize that you’re simply here, breathing, present. Let these feelings float off like clouds and you’ll notice a sense that things are okay as they are.
In love and support…
Bethany @ Online Therapy and Coaching says
Wow, Gail! I am definitely going to have to buy that book and recommend it on my site. So many people are trying to change and be more “positive,” when the real answer is to look deeply at WHY we do what we do. Thank you for this.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Bethany,
Yes, that’s what I’ve found helpful. We seem to not be able to just change – I wish it were that easy! But when we fully get how and why we suffer and the impact it has on ourselves and others, the stories start to break down, and we are open to making peaceful choices.
I love the feeling on your site – it would be wonderful to be a part of your resources. Thanks!
Love to you…
Rambabu says
Hi Gail
In the intenal family systems/self theraphy…… these feelings and thoughts are trated as coming from our sub personalities… a sub personality can be an inner critic, protector, manager or fire fighter or it can be a child who had painful experiance which the managers/critic etc.. are keeing away ro manage the pain.
You cane never be stren with the crtics/ protectors and heal the child. You need to listen to eveyone and understand their viewpoint.
Here the SELF takes the leadership and leades the life while all the sub personalities are given their space with respect and compassion so that they relax and trust the SELF to lead. They do particpate in the life lead by the SELF.
I listned to some of your interviews. I find , while you encourage people to allow feelings, you discourage them to listen to their stories.
Don’t you think stories are part of the sub personalities which needs, our compassionate listeng so that those parts heal, trust and integrate with the SELF.
Don’t you think, treating feelings/thoughts as coming from our part or sub personalities instead of a psychological phenomenon, there is better room for inner listening and unfolding and more humanising of our internal parts
Gail Brenner says
I do think it can be useful to work with stories, Rambabu, but they are limited. I think our interests might be different. In my experience, healing within the story can work to some degree, but all stories are limited. My interest in in awakening out of the story to discover our true nature – the truth of who we are beyond all stories. What you’re calling sub personalities are identities, ways that we define ourselves. Yes, these need compassionate listening. But if we are to experience unbridled happiness, all stories need to be seen through.
I think I understand and I definitely respect your view. And all views are welcome. In my own experience, the less the story, the greater the happiness.
Rambabu says
Thank you Gail for the clarifications.I have interest in Yoga/Non-dual Spirituality which is very akin to what you are trying to convey.
What happens to the parts/sub personalities once a person gets established in SELF/Presence/Awareness?.
Will they still be functional though free of all the baggage?
or do they dissolve in the PRESENCE for good.
Are these parts ( which are free from baggage) not required to function effectively to play the various roles we play in life?
Gail Brenner says
Rambabu,
Immersed in presence, which is free of form and space, there are no sub personalities or parts, no objects of any kind. The formless births itself into a diversity of forms, including the relative truth of humans existing who function in the world. No separate self or parts are needed to function. What is needed arrives. You wake up in the morning, put on clothes, eat breakfast, walk out the door. These are functions that happen. Individual personalities are part of the diversity of forms. Some conditioned patterns fall away entirely and some still come to be welcomed and met in love. There is a great simplicity to the unfolding of any moment.
Rambabu says
This needs some assimilation.for me… as i am not living from the same lived experiance as you are… đ
I will come back with few points on this.
Rambabu says
This needs some assimilation.for me… as i am not living from the same lived experiance as you are… đ
I will come back with few points on this.
Rambabu says
Gail
Do you mean to say the One essential and unitive Self will assume roles and sub personalities without losing its wholeness as life demands it, unlike the parts which do not have a sense of completeness.
One more Question…
Where is Devine in these scheme of things?… in Dualistic ( Dwaita as it is called in indian spirituality) approach, one always see God/Devine as the Other and relate to the Other/Devine… as one matures one may see the Devine and Self as one .. or Non dual ( Advaita as it is called).
Don’t you see there is a possibility of being struck in ego or limited self and mistake to be the Self, when we don’t see the devine as the other to start with.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Rambabu,
The unitive Self can’t lose its wholeness – this is impossible, as wholeness is its nature. The One plays as the many and can assume any role. The parts are illusions and will never be complete.
Seeing God as the other is a common misunderstanding. The ultimate knowing is that Self is the source of all things. Sure, ego can arise any time and can think it knows Self. I don’t think that seeing the divine as other is a necessary step, but that is the starting point for most people.
Rambabu says
Thank you Gail.
In Yogic approach, there are three endowments people have…..what you articulate is known as Path of Knowledge( Jnana Yoga)….some people can directly get it by this…..but for Many others, their Endowment of will and their Endowment of Love has to mature . For these , you have yoga of Works( Karma Yoga) and Yoga of Love/ Devotion ( Bhakti yoga).
.. There is no one way… it is a synthesis of these in different proportion depending on the individual’s state if heart, mind and body.
One issue i come across is , even though i don’t feel the Devine, when i dont remind myself of the Devine, i become isolated and feel struck in myself and my story and feel disconnected,…… It is in this sense that i meam by seeing the Devine as the other….. not as some body out there…but .some one/some thing above and behind my ordinary day to day mind body conciousness.
There was an Indian Sage called Sri Aurobindo(1872-1950). He Articulated that there is a Supreme Self or Devine ( Purushottama)beyond one’ Self.. Self is an integral part of the Sepreme self and intimately connectec with it.
So realising the Self is in a way not the end of Spirituality but a begining.
Gail Brenner says
The teaching of the direct path is to return attention to the Self, Divine, (whatever word you want to use) over and over. Yes, we get caught and feel disconnected. Conditioning has a strong momentum to it and for many of us has been the only reality we’ve consciously known for our whole lifetime. In the moments of being caught, we can’t look outside the conditioning to realize that Self is the source. But with a fire for awakening to our true nature as consciousness itself, when we wake up from those moments of isolation, we immediately return attention to the Source of all. This intention inclines one’s whole being toward awakening. Then the moments of isolation and being stuck serve freedom.
Those moments of isolation and stuckness may come, but ultimately we see that the suffering they bring is optional. We return home to the timeless now absorbed in presence.
Rambabu says
Thank you.
How do we realise our Self and live from our Self when most of us are struck in our narrow sense of our self and with out a taste of Self, though we have a felt sense that our narrow sense of being is not all right
Gail Brenner says
I love this question, Rambabu. First, realize that the narrow sense of being isn’t real, and turn away from that. It’s a good insight to realize that it’s not all right – because it isn’t and never will be. So don’t feed that narrow sense of self. It will keep you searching forever.
Explore your in-the-moment direct experience to see what is here beyond that narrow self. See if you can sense the aliveness, the consciousness that is here prior to thought. Also, open to the qualities of Self – wonder, peace, heart opening. Play with seeing everyone and everything as you. Turn away from the conditioned, and turn toward the unconditioned. You’re offering an invitation for grace to shine.