“Discontent, blaming, complaining, self-pity cannot serve as a foundation for a good future, no matter how much effort you make.”
~Eckhart Tolle
The problem of inadequacy is rampant in our society. Call it low self-esteem, need for approval, or the disease to please—if you believe that you are your conditioned habits, you’ll live with the sense that something’s missing.
The messages about lack are everywhere. Just watch ten minutes of commercials on TV. You’ll be told you aren’t young enough or thin enough, or that you don’t have the car or even cleaning product you need to be happy. We live in a culture of non-acceptance, which is supported by what many of us learn from our families of origin.
We’re taught that we’re not good enough, that we need exactly what we don’t have. It’s a legacy of lack.
The Pain Is Personal
Of course, this sense of lack seeps into our personal psyches. It might appear like this:
- Living steeped in thoughts about what you should do or be to be acceptable and complete;
- Needing others’ approval to feel okay about yourself;
- Constant self-criticism;
- Feeling that there must be something more to life;
- Compulsive behavior that tries to fill your emotional void.
It’s like the bucket is always leaking. You rarely feel full, relaxed, and at ease.
Lack and desire are at the root of unhappiness. And feelings of personal inadequacy keep you searching, struggling to fulfill your needs and desires.
In Buddhism, it’s called the hungry ghost— that gnawing hunger to seek what you think you’re missing but which can never really satisfy.
You Are Already Whole
The invitation I’m offering to you here, right now, is to stop living in the false identity of “not enough,” to stop searching to get what you think you need in order to finally be adequate.
Instead, turn your into into the core of inadequacy to find out if it’s true. (Hint: It’s not.) Realize the possibility that, outside of the sad stories and hopeless feelings, the truth has always been here, waiting to be discovered.
You have always been all that you were looking for.
You are whole and complete, more than enough, full and overflowing—just as you are. You can wake up from the dream of personal lack, which is precisely the healing you’ve been looking for.
The Path to Heal from the Pain of Inadequacy
How to do that? Don’t believe the thoughts that try to convince you that you’re inadequate. Question these thoughts, and they’ll start to lose their power.
- You observe them rather than believe them.
- You realize you don’t have to take them as true.
When you stop and question your thoughts, you’ve put on the brakes to this painful habit. And that changes everything.
You realize that these thoughts appear, but they are not who you are.
Beautiful You
And who are you? Naturally kind and open-hearted…pristine…unaffected by anything that might have happened to you.
We’ve all heard the saying that you can see the glass as half empty or half full. I say, don’t just see the glass as half full.
Stop trying to fix what’s not actually broken in you and realize that your glass is already completely full and overflowing. Recognize that your fulfillment is already here, available right now, then go out there and enjoy your life.
Are you troubled by inadequacy? Have you found the way to heal from it? I’d love to hear…And if you’re reading by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.
You may have noticed that there was a problem with posting comments on the site for the past few weeks, but this is now fixed. Feel free to stop by. I’d love to hear about your challenges and insights!
Always in love,
Gail
PS: This post is inspired by Chapter 7 of my book, The End of Self-Help: Discovering Peace and Happiness Right at the Heart of Your Messy, Scary, Brilliant Life. To purchase the book for yourself or a friend, please click here.
Maureen Moeller says
Hi Gail. I’ve been enjoying your blog for years and this is my first response. First off, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wise words. Secondly, this recent topic (inadequacy) cuts to the heart of my daily functioning. I cannot imagine NOT reading and studying to “improve” myself. It feels like I keep reaching for my best self but never quite get there, so I have vowed that your book is my LAST reach. No more unacceptance of who I am, no more trying to fill the voids with FB, shopping or eating. This is a true necessity now that I am retired and limited on income. I look forward to resding The END to Self Improvement. And again, thank you for service to others. You are a true gift to our world.
Gail Brenner says
So sweet to hear from you, Maureen! It sounds to me like you are starting to “get it.” You are realizing that it’s not about the next self-improvement book that will hopefully give you what you need to find your best self. You already are your best self! So it’s a matter of exploring within to see what’s in the way of knowing that – so you can know it directly.
I hear a fire in your words that I know will serve you well. And I’m here in support. Sending love to you…
Ken D says
I really think that your book is of help.
Each and every day I read your posts of being afraid, I am not a kid and my life fell apart 3.5 years ago…
Lost my house, my parents my ex and my dog.
I have not let anyone into my life and I am also suffering financially.
I have red your book and it has much merit.
Realizing that I have to like / love myself is tough.
I need to get my life back.
Your book and your help is always appreciated.
Gail Brenner says
Ken, I honor you for your willingness to be on this path in such a beautiful way. Life has put you here, and you have responded to the call. May your journey be fruitful….
Chaitanya says
Hi Gail! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your beautiful, inspiring messages and blogs!!
Gail Brenner says
So sweet to hear from you, Chaitanya! Love to you…
Paul says
Gail, first let me say that both your website and book are excellent. My question is I agree there is no self, but how do you DO THE EXERCISES without or AS IF there is no self doing them? It seem to me there is a catch 22 whic implies there is no self, but that in a sense keeps you locked in ‘a self.’ So what I am asking how so you act as if or do what is needed from the perspective of NO SELF?
THANKS PAUL
Gail Brenner says
I love this question, Paul! And I appreciate your insights that even make this question possible.
Here is the absolute truth: there never was a personal self doing anything – we just think there is. The exercises invite a greater and greater letting go of the idea of the personal self. They point to the truth that it’s only consciousness, life, the universe (whatever you want to call it, but it’s not an “it,” it’s everything) from which any forms arise.
So whether you are experiencing yourself as small and personal or as infinite consciousness when you try out the exercises, it doesn’t matter. Don’t think about it, just do them. And do them with vast openness in your mind, body, and heart. Imagine space between your brain cells available to experience things in an entirely new way.
Acting as if is a kind of trick that invites you to be what you already are. It’s not the personal self acting as if, it’s the truth of the all-encompassing, infinitely loving life force returning home to itself.