âDiscontent, blaming, complaining, self-pity cannot serve as a foundation for a good future, no matter how much effort you make.â
~Eckhart Tolle
Iâm a big fan of forgiveness, but I understand if it feels difficult or isn’t the right time for you. In my personal experience, letting go of a grudge against my parents opened my whole experience of life and paved the way for our relationship to be much more loving.
I never got an apology, and we never had âthe talkâ I thought I needed. I was just tired of feeling angry and resentful and wanted freedom.
Looking back, I can see that this grudge consumed my energy for many yearsâand now I rarely think about what happened. It no longer occupies my mental and emotional space.
If you are struggling with forgiveness, then this article is for you. Absorb these 10 facts, contemplate them, and experiment with putting them into action in your own heart and mind.
1. Forgiveness is life-changing.
When you turn toward yourself, notice how holding a grudge seeps into your thoughts and dominates your emotions.
Once youâre serious about forgiveness and make peace your priority, your energy naturally begins to open. Instead of chewing on thoughts about the past, youâre available to be compassionate with yourself and way more open to the wonders of the present moment.
2. Forgiveness is about your peace and happiness.
If you are stuck in bitterness, you are the one suffering. And once the knot inside untangles, youâre no longer living in distressing stories and painful emotions.
In a flash of insight, I realized how much anger I carried that affected my daily life. That was enough for me to commit to letting it go. I just wanted to feel better. That it changed my relationships for the better was a happy side effect.
3. Forgiving doesnât mean you approve of bad behavior.
Here’s the truth: people do nasty things, and what happens in life is not always fair.
Forgiving doesnât mean you approve of anyone’s behavior. Whomever is the target of your grudge needs to walk their own path.
The path of forgiveness is your own. You canât control what happened or other peopleâs behavior, but you can absolutely control how you meet your own experience.
If we persist in focusing on the story of blame, we’re hurting ourselves in our minds. Committing to making space for all that arises, including the joys and gifts present right now, we’re well on our way to opening our hearts.
4. If youâre having trouble forgiving, there is attachment to the belief that what happened shouldnât have happened.
If you fight the facts of what happened, you’ll continue to stay stuck.
Instead, take a deep breath, and bring awareness to your inner experience. Realize how painful itâs been for you. Let the sadness, grief, and anger come. And when youâre ready, step away from the pain refreshed and ready to live again. Can you feel how kind this is?
5. Being caught in not forgiving affects you more than anyone else.
Youâre holding a grudge when you feel locked into a story of what happened and you feed that story with your attention. Every definition of âgrudgeâ that I found talks about âill will and resentment.â
Not forgiving means youâre solidifying your experience of ill will and resentment.
6. You donât need an apology.
If you can have a heartfelt conversation with whomever you feel wronged you, then go for it. But often that isnât possible. The person may be unable to hear you, unavailable, or deceased. And you are likely to find that the apology isnât satisfying anyway.
Forgiveness is an inner letting go. In the state of not forgiving, youâre plying the hurtful story with your attention so it keeps feeling very real for you.
When you forgive, you stop thinking about the story, and you welcome your feelings in your own space of awareness. This is the kind and loving thing you can do in your own quiet moments.
7. Forgiving supports the health of your body.
Chronic anger and stress takes its toll on the body.
Research has shown that forgiveness reduces stress, decreases blood pressure, cholesterol, and heart rate, and improves sleep and immune system functioning. It also reduces anxiety, depression, and anger, and promotes a sense of well being.
8. Youâll probably need to express your feelings.
When weâre caught up in the story of anger and resentment, weâre actually avoiding the intensity of our feelings. Let yourself feel whatever you feelâanger, rage, sadness, grief. Express these feelings with a therapist, trusted friend, in a letter you donât send, or in front of an empty chair.
Then take a breath and breathe with the sensations you feel. Let these sensations rise up and pass on. Youâre untangling your attachment to the story and being present with your experience in a deeply loving way.
9. You may not need what you think you need.
By now, you probably have some distinct ideas about what you need in order for you to forgive. But consider other possibilities as well. And here are two for you to experiment with.
Try giving yourself what you think you need from someone else. If you think you need love, give yourself love. If you think you need understanding, spend some time in deep compassion and understanding with yourself. If you think you need an apology, imagine getting it and feel the effects in your body, mind, and heart.
Then see if you can give out to others what you think you need. Can you open to others with love, acceptance, and understanding? Is there anyone you feel moved to apologize to?
10. Itâs so freeing to forgive.
Not forgiving keeps you locked into feeling like a victim. You think that something was done to you, and you put the possibility of healing into someone elseâs hands.
When you embark on the path of forgiveness, youâre reclaiming your power. Youâre taking loving care of your own thoughts and feelings, and helping your own sense of peace to flourish.
When we bring our loving attention to the places inside that feel stuck, magic happens. Spaciousness…peace…intimacy…aliveness in the present moment…
IOANNOU Regina says
I liked your advises about forgiveness and I wish I would have known all that what I know now I definitely would not have had such a hard time to learn in a painful way how to forgive.You are so right that it is not us to judge other peopleÂŽs actions,let them be judged by the Divine law of justice.Forgive and move on.It seems so easy but it had taken me over 10 years to learn that “simple” life lesson.Well done Gail.Thank you Regina
Gail Brenner says
It took me a long time, too, Regina, so I totally understand. But I’m so grateful for what I know now. And what I know is that suffering is always optional. I’m happy for your insights whenever they appeared. Sending love…
Jasmine says
This really struck home for me. Three years ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. (I was his first, he was not my first, and that led to a strained sex life for us, seeing that we’re in our thirties.) However, we maintained “emotional ties,” although in hindsight, I wish I’d cut off contact. We did cut the obligations of a relationship and sexual contact, but we maintained a (unhealthy) friendship (we saw each other regularly and were in contact regularly). I always believed our relationship would work out, and I held on to that notion. I spent most of the breakup hoping for a reunion to happen, because in my head, there was no question that we’d get back together. I’d even admit that, given the circumstances, I didn’t fully admit to myself that it was over.
We eventually got back together six months later, and afterward I learned that he’d slept around – with “a lot” of women, according to him – while we were apart. Not only did he sleep around, but he was definitely dating some of these women. He traveled with them to other states, took pictures with them where they both look happy, did a lot of couple-y things with them. I even found some photos of them (some G-rated and some X-rated) on his computer. All while we were in regular contact and all while I was asking him whether or not he was seeing anyone else (which he always denied). All while we were hanging out as if we were the best of friends.
A few months after that discovery, we broke up again, and I assumed it was for good. I couldn’t get past the hurt from the prior breakup, we were spiraling out of control due to his dishonesty and the shame he carried around it, and I was crucifying him for what logical me knows is a very legitimate process of “finding yourself” that even I went throughâin my 20s, when everyone else does it, and not at anyone else’s expense.
During the second time we were apart, we cut off regular contact, we both dated, and we disentangled our lives. But once again, neither of us were happier without the other, so we reconciled for a second time a year later.
And now it’s been a year since we’ve gotten back together. And it’s working! But believe it or not, I’m still having trouble getting past that first breakup – the one where we were playing “best friends” and he was sleeping around. I can’t understand why I can’t move past a breakup from almost three years ago, even after so much time has gone by. It still stings and I can’t understand why.
If I’m being logical, sure, I never expected him to go through his entire life only sleeping with one woman (who does that anymore anyway?). But given his disinterest in/discomfort with sex when we were together, I’m really shocked that he turned to sex and women to figure out that he wanted to be with me in the end. He has a low sex drive, something that didn’t change throughout either breakup or our current relationship. So I never saw this coping mechanism coming.
It gnaws at me, because that first breakup never felt “real” to me, as we were in constant contact throughout the time we were “apart.” But I suppose it was very real to him. But my inability to cope with reality doesn’t make him wrong, I know.
I do want to be with him, and I’m glad we’re solid now. As cliche as it sounds, it truly is a brand new relationship, for which I am relieved. He’s been so much more forthcoming this second go ’round of our relationship and he’s obviously learned a thing or two about healthy and necessary communication.
But I still feel betrayed by his actions when we weren’t together three years ago. I’ve sought advice and counseling, and I’ve talked to him to the point where it’s cruel for me to bring it up anymore. I know he wants to put his sordid past behind him; he’s not proud of it or hurting me. Plenty of people say isn’t my right to feel betrayed. People tell me, “You weren’t together; you can’t be mad,” but given how close we were during the breakup, I can’t help but be upset.
So, your post really, really spoke to me. Because forgiveness has been so very elusive for me.
I’ll keep trying.
Gail Brenner says
You’re veiled by the past, Jasmine, and it’s keeping you from opening fully to what’s right in front of you in this very moment. You get to decide what you want. If you want to be present in your relationship, every time these thoughts and feelings come, stand in what you really want in that moment, and turn away from them. Then open to what’s actually here – not to this programmed voice in your head.
He’s done his learning and apologizing, now the rest is up to you. So there’s no need to bring it up again. The ball is in your court.
Joanna Frangos says
Reading Jasmine’s post, I has struck me that Jasmine used the word “sordid” in relation to her partner’s past. There is still much blame and criticism coming from her direction. Maybe the place to look is in her own heart. By holding onto the blame and judgement, Jasmine is keeping a wall up between them. True intimacy between two people requires a deeper enquiry, letting go of all judgement and blame, allowing the other to be fully themselves, past and all. He maybe needed to do what he did in order to be in relationship with her. If it wasn’t for those flings and “try-out” relationships with other women, he wouldn’t have been ready to re-connect with him. Without his “sordid” past, they might not be together.
Caroline O'Donnell says
What about someone who will not forgive you?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Caroline,
Make amends as completely as you can, say your apologies, and learn from what happened. When you’re sure you’ve done all that you can do, you realize you can’t control someone else’s behavior. Forgiveness, then, is the other’s choice.
And being the object of someone else’s grudge, know that they are suffering. By continuing to blame you, they are keeping themselves stuck. In your own quiet moments, keep offering them your love, care, and understanding.
Stan says
Wow. What a great article.
Lidia says
Gail – I truly loved this article! It strengthens what I’ve learned and you’ve worded it so wonderfully. My turning point came when my pastor gave a sermon about forgiveness and bitterness, he said being that not being able to forgive and holding onto bitterness is like drinking poison hoping the other person will die. That hit me with a mental force that completely turned me around. After dropping to my knees in forgiveness over years of abuse, I reaped all the benefits you talked about. It was truly liberating. The only other thing I would add is a quote I read that said “Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past”, as you said “what happened already happened”, we can’t change or control the past, it’s done – but we can control what we allow the past to do to our bodies, minds and our future. Thank you for this article!
Gail Brenner says
Beautiful, Lidia! Thank you so much for sharing your story of freedom.
Love…
Janet says
I know that all your statements are true and I try to live them. I’m only hurting myself by not forgiving. So, I forgive. Being that there has been no remorse, I can only forgive in my own heart. It doesn’t work, though. Sometimes I can slide through life thinking it’s all okay, For awhile, I’m smiling and loveable. Then something happens and I’ll flash back. Then, I’m one big ball of hurt and anger. A person can’t live that way. I want to stop being that ball.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Janet,
When you flash back and become a ball of hurt and anger, that is your moment to take a breath, step back, and realize that these thoughts and feelings have risen, but they are not you. These feelings arise in you, but they don’t have to define you. They are temporary – they will come and go.
I’ve written a lot on how to handle feelings when they are triggered. You can check out the archives for the articles. What’s most important is that you realize when you’re triggered. Then you rise up beyond the old story, hurt, and anger to access your wisest self. Then see what that wise self really wants and how it can help take care of these feelings.
You always, always have options, which is the most beautiful thing. Become aware of what’s happening in the moment and make the conscious, loving choice that supports peace.
sherill says
Hi, Thanks for sharing a great post. we should always forgive ouselves for whatever it is that we’ve done wrong but remember to learn from it. Great Read!