“Truth is by nature self-evident. As soon as you remove the cobwebs of ignorance that surround it, it shines clear.”
~Gandhi
As humans, we suffer when our attention is locked into painful thoughts and feelings. If you stop in any moment when you’re unhappy, you’ll be able to know exactly why you’re suffering.
You’ll notice that your attention is caught in thinking negative, agitating thoughts. You might be worrying about the future, ruminating about something that happened in the past, thinking about what you should have said or done, judging yourself or others in your mind.
You might be holding expectations about how you think things should be that aren’t being met. And you might be aware of emotions and tension in your body, feeling stressed, anxious, frustrated, or sad.
Waking Up to How We Suffer
We’re often unaware of where our attention goes unless we consciously take a look. And when we’re unaware, we mistakenly identify with limiting thoughts and emotions that just aren’t true.
They’re affecting our mood, how we show up in our lives and our relationships, and the decisions we make. Without our realizing it, these habits become our reality.
My experience of becoming aware of where my attention is focused makes it completely obvious why I’m not peaceful and happy in any moment. How could I possibly be happy if my experience is dominated by stress and negativity?
The first time I saw this, it was a huge and exciting revelation. If I knew how I was suffering, I knew that I could find my way to peace in any moment.
Ways to Peace
How to do that? Here are some of the ways I’ve found to be helpful. Try them out. Experiment. And know that it’s possible for you to be peaceful now…and now…and now…
- Develop a new way of relating to your experience. Make a U-turn with your attention away from the world. Tone down the drama and become curious about your in-the-moment experience instead.
- Become an expert in how you suffer. Notice what thoughts are consuming your attention. Realize how these thoughts affect your mood, how you show up with people, the life decisions you make. Now you’re motivated to find another way of being.
- These conditioned thought patterns don’t serve happiness. Shift your attention away from engaging with the content of the thoughts and instead just be aware that they’re present.
- Then get to know the experience of “being aware,” which itself is peaceful. Allowing thoughts to flow through you like clouds in the sky, you’re conscious and alive. Amazingly you realize that this “being aware” is not touched by the content of the thoughts. It remains peaceful no matter what thoughts and feelings are present. In the moments when you’re consciously aware, you’re not resisting your experience by believing it’s who you are.
- Use your breath and your senses to come alive to the present moment. What do you see, hear, and feel in your body?
- When you’re in the throes of a strong feeling, know that ruminating on the story about the feeling will only keep it locked into place. The experience of every feeling includes physical sensations. Instead of feeding thoughts, move your attention into your body. Notice the physical sensations and let them be present as they are without needing to get rid of them. This deep acceptance is a beautifully loving way to be with yourself. You stop resisting your experience, and you’re at peace.
- Our lives are way too busy, and our happiness is served when we slow down. Call it meditation or just sitting, but spend a little time every day being quiet.
- Reduce the mental and emotional noise around you. When we’re unconscious, we tend to move too fast and make decisions that don’t serve our peace and happiness. Becoming more aware, you might realize you want align your lifestyle to invite peace. This might mean you drink less, let go of people in your life who aren’t serving peace, watch less news and fewer violent movies, or reduce the drama in your life by gossiping less.
- Be on the lookout for spontaneous and natural experiences of joy, awe, wonder, tenderness, gratitude, heart-opening, and clarity—and experience them deeply.
- Relish in doing things you enjoy. Listen inside to how love, enthusiasm, aliveness, and creativity want to move you, then take action even if it’s scary.
- Have patience and compassion with yourself. It takes time to counteract decades of conditioning and unconsciousness. Stay committed to your desire for peace.
- Don’t feel frustrated when habits recur—that’s what habits do! Celebrate every sacred moment of waking up to the suffering so you can know peace.
Realize that you don’t have to be defined by unhappy thoughts and feelings. In any moment, let them go. And here you are, steeped in awareness, peaceful, and fully one with the unfolding of life.
What About You?
How do you find peace in any moment? Experiment with these suggestions and let us know in the comments how it goes. I’d love to hear… And if you’re reading by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.
Liz D says
Thank you for this WONDERFULpost Gail. You have summarized in 12 accessible practical points what many authors spend years trying to convey. I will use this in my own life and share it with people I work with – family members of people living with dementia.
Moe says
Good stuff.
Gail Brenner says
Wonderful! Thank you.
andre says
Beautiful Gail. Thank you!
Gail Brenner says
It’s my absolute pleasure, Andre!
Jane says
Thank you Gail you made a difference in my day today! I needed to hear this. Thank you
Gail Brenner says
Great, Jane! You are most welcome. Sending love…
adabe says
nice article
y76z815 says
Whenever I’m doing something bad, or in a bad place, phisically or mentally, I think back to the happiest time in my life: When I was twelve in 6th grade and I played with my 2nd grade friends at the YMCA after school in the cafeteria. — It can be a simple moment that I purposefully remember and it immediately stops me from doing something I now is wrong.
Kim says
For me, bringing awareness to my thoughts is the first step. Then, it helps if I hone in on the sensations in my body, like anxiety is first felt as a fullness in my head, whereas fear is felt as a tightening in my stomach. Getting to know my bodily signs/symptoms of negativity gives me something solid to identify with and work with to relax and then think more clearly about underlying beliefs, etc.
Gail Brenner says
Very useful, Kim. You’re discovering that you get some clarity about the thoughts when you first defuse them by bringing attention to the physical sensations. Once you’re not so attached to the thinking, you can see it more clearly. Beautiful steps to freedom….
Sylvia says
Thank you Gail for wonderful inspiration
Mamush says
Dear Gail
Thank you very much for the wonderful posts. It is like a mirror that I saw myself in the otherside . One of the most important things that inspires me while reading most of your posts is that I understand I am not the only person wrestling with those unstoppable thoughts. Recently, I found myself in the most depressing thoughts about my future. It all started when I remember the past and things I havent done, things I thought I lost because I fail to do in the expectations, things that I lost because of the bad choices I made in the past. As I unconsciously expose myself to this thoughts everyday, I lost my joy, i begin to perform poor in my working place, my relation with people become unsatisfactory . I began to be depressed and develop low self-esteem. I repeatedly decide to leave the past and engage in the present, it works for a while but uncosciously I found myself trapped in that same the cage over and over again. I am a very enthusiastic person, I found myself on the top and reach to the ground so fast. I really want to know how I can stay conscious of my present without distracted and regain myself believe ? Thank yoy
Gail Brenner says
Great to hear from you, Mamush!
Staying in presence happens on a moment-by-moment basis. I, too, get caught up in thoughts. My version is to focus comparing thoughts that make me think negative things about what is happening. I notice that whenever I give these thoughts a lot of attention and make them my reality, I’m not happy. When I realize I’ve been thinking them, I say “No thank you,” and the moment miraculously becomes a peaceful one. This peace and happiness is right here to be experienced once we’re not caught up in these thoughts.
So it’s not about getting rid of them. It’s about not making their content your reality.
I understand the need for support on this point – you’re not alone! There are a lot of articles in the archives about thinking.
Jeannie says
After a 2 decades of one difficult event after another, from an unwanted divorce to single parenting, job loss, financial problems, failed relationships, empty nest, and the death of a son I am trying to regain my balance and move forward. Its been a very long time since I experienced genuine peace and happiness. I find myself with negative expectations, actually bracing myself for the next big thing that will come along and cause further pain and grief. I know this is not rational thinking but I can’t seem to make that U turn. I used to reach out to other people, to initiate social gatherings but little by little people stopped accepting and did not reciprocate. I began to feel that the people in my life didn’t want me around any more because, as a former coworker stated, no one wants to be with someone who is down all the time. Even my sister said people don’t know what to say to someone who is grieving so they don’t say anything. I became embarrassed that I had forced my problems and my attention on others so I stopped reaching out. I have become very isolated and progressively more depressed. I have been reading numerous articles such as this one about how we should just banish unhappy thoughts and feelings by just “letting them go.” I am not sure what this means, or how to, in reality, do this.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for sharing here, Jeannie. You are being asked to find your inner resilience. Yes, you have been hit with a number of challenging life circumstances. And what happens afterward has all to do with how we meet the circumstances that arise. It’s natural to grieve. But we also get to choose how we want to live. It’s not about pretending everything is great. But you are being asked to see what you can learn from what has happened, to see what role any of your conditioned patterns have played, and to really, really want to be fully alive in your life. It may be hard work, but here you are, living, so why not?
See how your thinking might be contributing to feeling that you’re a victim. Then find that empowered place in you. Act as if you are that one who has risen up from challenges. Envision yourself having moved through and start living there.
There is much on this site that may help you. Two articles come to mind:
https://gailbrenner.com/2011/01/coping-with-challenging-life-circumstances/
In love and support…..
sherill says
Hi, Thanks for sharing a very helpful and informative post. Letting go of unhappy thoughts and feelings will definitely make a difference. Great Read.
Ann says
Thanks for this informative and enlightening article. It’s great to see how many ways we can actively take responsibility for our sense of peace and wellbeing.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, we absolutely can be peaceful when we bring our attention to that possibility. Thanks, Ann!
David Wagner says
Hey Gail! So happy I just found your site.
I have a question for you:
I, like many other people on this planet, tend to get stuck in the constant doing and the belief that whatever I have in my life right now is not good enough (The city I live in, my home, my current situation at work etc) and I really do believe that things can get better, but I’m causing my self a lot of suffering because I am demeaning the now and turning everything in my life into a means to an end where the Now is considered important, but only a stepping stone to where I want to be. I’m very aware of these negative and habitual behavior. When I’m at work, feeling like I’m not valued, not respected, not feeling like I belong there or using my talents in any way, I struggle to accept the now as it is. I have a really hard time accepting the situation while pursuing a job, an apartment that will be more fulfilling for me.
Do you have any everyday tips/reminders that I can use in my everyday life to make me feel more at ease and not hate the present moment and finding a balance between pursuing and being content in the now?
Love to hear from you,
David
Gail Brenner says
Hi David,
Welcome to you! The answer to your question is all about how you relate to your thoughts. Everything that you are describing that is negative and doubtful is a thought. And it is the nature of thoughts to run stories in the mind about people, situations, the world, yourself. Giving attention to thoughts will always take you away from the now.
There is the now, reality, which is always peaceful and always unfolding without the intervention of thoughts. It just is, the natural flow of life. This is the now. When you give attention to thoughts, your focus is on the content of the thoughts and not on what is your right-now experience.
These thoughts are bringing you suffering and they are not accurately describing the truth. So don’t pay attention to what they say. Say, “thank you, thought,” with a friendly nod to it, then take a breath and return your attention to what is actually here. Then get very curious about what is here. The mind will start telling you more frustrating stories, but instead see what is actually here. Without the story that the mind tells you, is there a problem? And without the story, you’re just here, not trying to get somewhere in the future.
Thinking has a momentum to it, so you may need to return your attention to presence thousands of times a day. This is OK, as each time brings you home.
Your question is an important one. I encourage you to read other articles on this site, as it is a topic I address often. And you’re free to keep asking questions.
Love to you…
Tanja says
Dear Gail,
As David I too struggle with my life situation and the thoughts I have about it.
As I am 52 I feel stuck in a job that doesn’t really satisfy me. But it pays the rent and I need to provide for my children. It is not a bad job, I don’t dislike it, I have nice colleagues and a boss that supports me and gives me freedom. It is just not where my passion lies and it does take up a lot of time and more importantly a lot of energy. What I would like to do, write a novel, will probably not give me enough income.
So now I have this deeply rooted believe that I have been and still are wasting my life, this one time glorious opportunity, by not making something of it.
Then I read in one of your other articles ‘you can make the choice to fully live’. And this feeds my believe that I am wasting my life.
I fully understand intellectually that thoughts are not telling the truth about me or about my life situation, but I have a very hard time shaking this one, because ignoring this thought, taking away my attention from it, would mean (another thought/believe, I know) to give up on the chance to ever having a life I can be enthusiastic about. It feels a bit like mourning my own life.
Can this be normal, that to stop believing in a deeply rooted thought about ones future causes a sense of loss, of mourning? And how should I deal with that? Should I just sit with the mourning until it gets lighter?
Thank you for your attention. And I much appreciate all your posts and emails, and elaborate answers to other questions
Gail Brenner says
Hi Tanya,
Your life is right here in this moment. So it’s not only about the big picture of standing back and wondering if your life is purposeful enough. Another way to look at it is: Can you live fully right now? And then, what would that look like? How can you show up fully in any interaction, in the moments when you’re bored at work, in being kind and welcoming of your own challenges. Happiness (acceptance, peace, ease) is not about the future – it’s what you can experience right now.
Right now, you are choosing your job, so take full responsibility for that. Find the love in it – of staying there so you can care well for your children. And if another choice is made at another time, then so be it. And if you want to write, then carve out some time to do it. Many works have been created consistently working on them an hour or two a day.
Don’t mourn the future that isn’t even here – celebrate now in the best way you can.
Tanja says
Thank you so much, Gail.
At first I was dissappointed with your answer.
Can you fully live right now? This sentence was immediately captured by my mind. ‘Fully live’, my mind said, means going out there, doing interesting stuff, meeting interesting people, 24/7 (minus some obligatory sleep). So it resonated exactly with what I was already thinking and not helping.
But, knowing what you write about, something knew this could not be what you actually mean. Intellectually I understood it, but I just could not get passed my minds notion of ‘fully living’. So I kept reading your answer. I saw being bored and showing up fully in the same sentence, I read the article here above again, and suddenly it hit me.
By thinking I am wasting my life, and thus standing back and looking at past and future, I am actually wasting the life that is taking place right now and here. Wasting it by not taking any notice of it and missing what is happening here and now.
How terribly simple it is. How could I have not seen this?
Again, thank you so much, Gail. It is such a relief to be freed of this loop of the mind.
Gail Brenner says
I love this, Tanja. You studied diligently wanting to understand, and understanding came. You got my point completely. It’s simple, but as you now know, you need to look past the mind for understanding. Yes, while you’re thinking about wasting your life right now, you’re missing the beauty of what’s here. See how there is always a way out of suffering? Let thoughts float like clouds and be the sky…endlessly here…
Karina says
Absolutely wonderful Gail as I’ve been suffering with a lot of anxiety so I truly enjoyed that read would love some more on the self help to help me move forward thank you for sharing
Gail Brenner says
Wonderful to hear from you, Karina! I love how you’re trying to figure out a way through the anxiety. It’s possible! xo