“The song is ended…
but the melody lingers on.”
~Irving Berlin
As I write this, I’m grieving the death of my mother who passed away six weeks ago. That familiar sense of steadiness that I always experience as I move through life has been present, but it’s been interspersed with times of sadness and just plain emotional pain.
In recent days, I’ve realized that I haven’t given these emotions much attention. I haven’t pushed them away, but I haven’t welcomed them in either. And I know they’ve been sitting there humming in the background, muting my usual zest for life.
I talk a lot with others about embracing all of our experience and not resisting anything. I know in my heart of hearts, and through my own experience, that avoidance sustains suffering and embracing brings peace. So I thought it’s now time to follow my own suggestions.
That means letting down any barriers that have been keeping my emotions at a distance and inviting these emotions fully into the field of conscious awareness.
I led a meeting called Living in Truth the other night where a woman described how she had recently been experiencing a lot of emotional turmoil. But during the guided meditation, things quieted down, and she became aware of the possibility of being with her emotions in a new way.
The phrase that came to her was, “There’s space for that.” Confusion, upset, panic about not knowing what to do? There’s space for that.
It was a phrase that resonated deeply with me, and it perfectly applied to my own experience. The sadness and loss that had been hanging around along the edges of my awareness? There was space for that.
Before I wasn’t ready and even enjoyed the idea of connecting to my mother through grieving. But now there is a shift. There’s space for the emotions and whatever else wants to come.
As I settle into the being aware of meditation, resistance falls away. I can feel how I’ve subtly turned away from these feelings, and now they are welcome in a great expansive space. There’s no dramatic insight or explosion of light. But there’s a sense of ease that comes as the doing of resistance comes to an end, and the feelings themselves become softer and more diffuse.
The sadness is sweet, and rather than being lost in my own story of loss, surprisingly, the connection with my mother is alive and joyful.
No matter how pure our intentions to be free, the events of life can catch us off guard. Without realizing it, we create division—between life as it’s actually unfolding and our stories about it, between awareness and our feelings, between what others are doing and what we want them to do.
But at any moment, when the time is right, it’s always possible to bring space to that. We put down the fight, and rather than letting anything go, we let it all come in, welcoming things just as they are.
What About You?
What can you bring space to in your own experience? What is that like for you? Please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.
Always in love,
Gail
Harbhajan S. Sangha says
My condolences on the death of your mother! Please send unconditional love to the departed soul. Thank her for giving you birth, upbringing you ( giving you essential life valves ), and giving you so many years of her life! Her spirit is always around you! Her memories will always be part of you life! Divine Love & Blessings to you!
Gail Brenner says
Thank you so much, Harbhajan. I so appreciate your kind words.
Llynde says
Native American Prayer (words to remember ….. when thinking about your Mother)
I give you this one thought to keep –
I am with you still – I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning’s hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone –
I am with you still – in each new dawn.
(Typically the attribution states ‘Author unknown’)
Scott McGregor says
Sweet. I find since my mom’s passing last year, I feel a kindredness to other’s who have had this experience. A universal experience that connects us.
Gail Brenner says
I totally understand, Scott. I feel like I’m a member of a club I never knew existed, and there’s a sweet connection in that.
Gail Brenner says
Such a beautiful prayer, Llynde. Makes my heart sing….
CK says
Thanks for your work, Gail! I really enjoy your posts and your book. I have gotten a LOT out of your writing & really appreciate you. 🙂
On the topic of space and making room – I have found that it is one of the most simple, yet most effective ways of bringing myself back into center. I think when we close parts of our experience off we become claustrophobic and feel like we are bumping elbows with something we don’t want to face and cannot quite see – which makes it quite a bit harder to deal with. Another way we do this is to try and force ourselves to accept whatever it is we are avoiding before we are really ready. When we just give space for even the experience of avoiding, it opens up a lot more room and takes a lot of pressure off yourself so you can gently and naturally come to terms with whatever it is your are experiencing in your own time.
When I notice I am all bound up like that, I take a few deep breaths and picture a huge sphere around me, like the atmosphere of earth. With every breath after that I imagine I am allowing that sphere to grow in size until I can no longer make out the border. Everything inside of that now has room. This includes stuff I can’t see yet as well! It is such an effective way for me to relax into the situation and really puts the brakes on my tendency to suppress feelings and such.
Anyway, I just wanted to throw in my two cents and also say Hi. Your writing is a breath of fresh air – thank you!
Gail Brenner says
I love your two cents, CK! Especially the part about making that expansive space even for avoiding.
Neela says
Hi! Gail, Deep prayers for your mother. May she be peaceful where ever she is, may she keep showering her blessings on you and may you feel it always.
I find we are all part of the same circle and today it is your turn to mourn and then through that find a way to learn to create expansive space for the unacknowledged stuff.
Your sharing brings soothing experience for me and teaches me to create such space in my life.
I find peace and connection when I read your posts. Thank you for being You. Lot of Love.
Martina says
Dear Gail , Sincere sympathies to you on the recent passing of your mother. The love you share will always be with you. Be very gentle with yourself, listen to the body which holds all the emotion,letting in a little at a time. Gentle bodywork like shiatsu can be very nurturing and gentle with the emotions too. Also remember good nourishing nutrition to support your system. I also would like to thank you for the lovely insights you gave me in care giving of elderly parents for which helped us all. Loving thoughts Martina
Gail Brenner says
I receive all of your loving thoughts, Martina. Thank you!
Gail Brenner says
So sweet, Neela. Thank you so much. xx
Pam says
So sorry for your loss Gail. When you write, you write so beautifully. You explain things so right. I’ve been on a spiritual jouney since the passing of my father almost twelve years ago. I loved him so much. I could not believe he was taken from us in his late seventies. I though he had longevity like his mother who lived till ninety three. I questioned life after that. Why are we here??? Wow! That just opened up a new beginning for me. It was tough yet so beautiful and fulfilling. I have mediated ever since my fathers death and asked many questions. I have sat through my anxiety and pain and let myself heal. I am in such a wonderful place right now. I am so excited to see so many others likeminded. Your column is wonderful and I know through what your going through you will help so many along their paths. Lots of love and light. Pam.
Gail Brenner says
I so appreciate this, Pam. Our teachers are everywhere and the opportunity for lessons unending. This makes me see over and over that when we just receive everything, life takes its course naturally. We never know what gifts are coming our way! I’m so happy for your insights and realizations. Your words sparkle with freedom.
Merala says
Your message today was such perfect timing for me…i am struggling with the suffering of my sweet older dog and how to be with her as she prepares to let go of her body. i want to block my feelings but instead am working hard to be open and not shut down. The phrase you shared “there is space for that” gives me peace and i am grateful to you for sharing that. I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. xo
Gail Brenner says
Thank you so much, Merala. Yes, there’s space for all of it – as you’re ready. I hope your dog isn’t suffering too much. Sending love…
Neil says
Hello Gail,
Have just read your message about the sad loss of your mother. I’m new to your web site and your book but it’s words resonate deeply with me. When i read about the passing of your mother and your resistance to the emotions that it had brought up i was reminded of the beautiful poem by Rumi called The Guest House. I’m sure you and others here know of it and it’s message to welcome all be it pain, hurt, grief or joy.
“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond”.
Blessings,
Neil
Gail Brenner says
Thank you so much, Neil. This is one of my favorites of Rumi, and I appreciate your sharing it here.
Tiffany sanborn says
Hi Gail.
I am so sorry to hear about your mom <3 . I appreciate you sharing it and opening up with this post.
I am wondering what you think about this. My twin girls are seniors in high school.. I was having a terrible time even thinking about the next year and them not being here.. huge waves of grief .. I could not even talk about it.. and every client would ask so it was very hard. I ended up going on lexapro. I am now able to talk about it and think about it without being so overwhelmed.. so am I dealing with it or numbing it because of the drug? Am I closing off to the grief of the change to come because it was to hard, or am I finding a way to deal with it the best way that I can?
Gail Brenner says
I can’t give you professional advice about this, Tiffany. But maybe you’re needing the Lexapro for a time so you can begin to deal with these feelings. It sounds like it’s helping. As the situation unfolds and you become more comfortable, maybe you won’t need the medication anymore. I’m not hearing that you’re closing off to the grief. I really appreciate that you want to open to these feelings and not avoid them.
Steve Szubert says
We each have only one mother, and losing her is an immense sadness, until we realise that indeed, we all have One Mother, and we are always within her arms.
Gail Brenner says
So beautiful, Steve. Thank you.
Harriet Bernstein says
When I lost my mother, I continued to share with her. She loved music,particularly piano. Whenever I go to a concert, I bring her with me thru my eyes and ears. Lost my husband 6 months ago. We had 43 great years together. Instead of mourning, as I move thru my day and experience the esoteric pleasures and material comforts, I say thank you Howard for helping to provide access to them and it keeps him in my mind and heart in a positive way.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Harriet,
What a beautiful way to keep your loved ones close. Thank you for sharing your experience here. It helps everyone.
Silvia says
Gail,
Thank you once again for writing this blog and sharing your experiences and the way to deal with our emotional dimension. It is really a hard dimension to deal with, as it belongs mostly to the unconscious, as well as our conditioned resistances, and all the mutual reinforcements that occur among them… It is also hard to give space to all of that, because it hurts so much and requires some conscience of what is happening, but I agree that the space is the only approach able to let us realize that even when the hurricane is at its worst and we can feel its pain, we are much more than that, we are the whole ocean and not only the wind, the waves, the pain.
But, I repeat, it’s difficult to realize the space in all its meaning. We can “know” it, visualize it, and still not being able to feel it…
Gail Brenner says
Hi Silvia,
I understand that it’s difficult and painful to feel certain feelings. But for me, it’s become less hard over time. I’m at the point now where I welcome all feelings and don’t want any of them to stay out of conscious awareness. Over time, it’s been a beautiful process of letting everything come out of the shadows. This is what softens the conditioned patterns and resistances and breaks down barriers to love and openness. Initially they are mostly unconscious, but eventually all is welcomed into the light. It starts out being hard, then becomes a huge relief and even a joy.
Discovering that space, the ocean that contains and is all, allows for everything.
Silvia says
Yes, definitely.
THANK YOU!
artemis says
Dear Gail,my heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is to let go of someone who was such a big part of your being. I too lost my mother many years ago and felt I lost a huge part of me because I missed her so much. But with time I allowed “this space” within me you speak about, which helped lessen the hold the pain had over me.
And with time, I felt she was just there with me.
Sending you lots of hugs for your pain for the many times you guided me to get through. Sincerely grateful and take care of yourself. xo
Gail Brenner says
Wonderful to hear from you with these beautiful words, Artemis. Thank you…
Bles Dones says
My thoughts and prayers to you, Gail. Your message is perfect and on target. My mother died last year and even at this present time, I am still not over it. The pain and sadness hovered over me. I miss my conversations with her, places we go, he phone calls, her jokes, etc. I spent more of my adult years with my mother because my father died when I was 12 years old. My sadness towards my mother demise has overtaken my being, I can’t get past grieving, and I feel my life is slipping away. It’s been a year she’s gone, but it was just like yesterday I was talking to her. Then I read what you wrote: ” We put down the fight, and rather than letting anything go, we let it all come in, welcoming things just as they are.” That’s what I needed to do….
Gail Brenner says
Glad this was helpful, Bles. I also discovered something recently in my own experience which is the need to “choose life.” I get how you can be dragged down by grief. But at some point, you can truly contemplate if this is how you want to live. It’s an option, and I love that I can choose life.
Nick Stokes says
Wow, nice article, really open and refreshing.
Gail Brenner says
Wonderful, Nick!
Mercury says
Facing your negative emotions head on is probably one of the most difficult things we as humans can do, but it’s just so necessary to do. If you try to ignore them, they’ll always be there – watching, lingering. Face them head on and do whatever you must to overcome them – cry, scream, hit things. Whatever it takes.
Gail Brenner says
I love your fire, Mercury! It is possible to not have emotions be in control of our thoughts and behavior.
And I appreciate your point about them watching and lingering if we don’t acknowledge them. Something not working in your life? Guaranteed there’s an unexamined emotion hanging out in the shadows.
Mike says
It occurs to me that our physiology is hardwired to avoid trauma i.e. at first fight or flight and then total shut down, foetal position (“playing dead” as reptiles do). And we do still have some reptilian nervous system.
My father is currently dying. We rarely get a rehearsal for how to be and do, so its all a bit improvised. I notice that although my mind is quiet and calm my gut is full of butterflies and there is tension in my hard muscles. My gut was telling me he was dying way before this was medically confirmed.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Mike,
Our physiology is all about survival, and seems to function on its own without our mind’s intervention. You had a gut feeling that proved to be right on.
I know exactly what you mean when you say it’s all improvised. I worked in nursing homes for years with people who were dying, but truthfully, none of that seems to have an effect when it came to my own mother. We’re asked only to keep our hearts open and be with things as they are. I wish you and your father well through this process. Sending love…