“At the deepest level, there is no giver, no gift, and no recipient . . . only the universe rearranging itself.”
~Jon Kabat-Zinn
How many of us burn ourselves out trying to do good in the world? We think that being of service means serving others no matter what. And we end up losing our boundaries and betraying our truth while strongly believing we need to keep giving.
It’s an exhausting conflict that has its roots in false ideas about how we define ourselves that ultimately lead to alienation and separation.
We start out with good intentions—to express love through our actions. But soon it gets messy. We feel rejected when our help isn’t received. We end up being taken advantage of. And we don’t believe we’re allowed to say no.
Our personal self is on the line because the results of what we do are attached to our happiness. We’re not giving just for the sake of giving. We’re giving so we can feel good or righteous or self-satisfied.
The problem here is the identity with the personal self, and the solution is to know that is not who we really are.
True Service
True service emerges effortlessly with complete surrender of everything personal. We take our beliefs about ourselves and the world, our stories, our expectations and needs, our attachment to any outcomes and throw all of it into the holy fire of truth. Because these are ideas created in our minds and none of them can begin to define the truth of who we are.
True service is revealed as simply listening. It’s about not knowing anything and being willing to be moved. It has nothing to do with thoughts or ideas. And it doesn’t come from lack, need, or the wish to feel good about ourselves. Actions happen with no regard to the outcome.
The Joy of Surrender
At the beginning of my career as a psychotherapist, I was confused about service. I felt frustrated when clients didn’t improve and considered that maybe my skills were inadequate. I’m so grateful for the help that changed my perspective entirely.
With no personal needs involved, I could show up fully in every moment. Without attachment to outcomes, the joy of doing this work blossomed. All that is being asked is complete surrender, and all that is left is emptiness and love. How that looks is none of my business.
True service is not only about how we relate to others. Every moment of surrender and listening is service. In these temporary human forms, we’re in service to the undivided, to the flow of life, to how love wants to move.
And it takes into account everyone and everything. It’s the energy you bring to driving in a traffic jam, the way you chop the celery, the kindest “no” that speaks what’s true.
Do you want to truly be of service? Then know who you’re not and discover who you are.
Malcolm cragg says
Seneca,wrote much about benefits,and to make sure your gifts go to who really wants and needs them.
I recently gave a relationship 110%,but my gifts became inappropriate,and I fired the second arrow many times since.Now healing slowly,and carefully.
Gail Brenner says
And that healing will set you free, Malcolm! Surrender to how life wants to move you, and you’re one with love.
Malcolm cragg says
Thank you for your care????
Sheryl says
I am burned out from giving to my immediate family. I love them both so much. So tired feeling empty myself and not good at asking for what I need- or feeling like it’s asking too much if I need anything. 🙁
Gail Brenner says
I know how painful it is to give with attachment, Sheryl. And the way out is through—through the fears and inadequacies you feel that are behind all this giving. You absolutely matter, and even if you don’t believe it, you can start acting as if that were true. Be so kind to yourself…
Sheryl says
Being kind to myself is fine but, lonely. How can someone need and not be attached to the outcome? If I could take care of this for myself I would have done it already. Since they are content and have their needs met there’s no reason for them to do more. I can care for myself but it’s very lonely place to be feeling like no one is interested in me or my life.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for your comment, Sheryl. You’re right – if there’s need, there will be attachment to the outcome. So it’s the need that is asking for exploration. It usually comes from a place of pain and often a pain from when we were very young.
Obviously, I don’t know anything about your situation, but I do know how good it feels to have friendships and community with like-minded people. It’s a very useful life skill for us to learn how to bring love and acceptance to our own experience. But if you’re also wanting to be around others where there is a mutual caring relationship, then maybe you can open up to that possibility.
Love to you…
Sheryl says
Thank you and love to you as well.
martina16 says
I am just comíng out of that same place although I believed in the value of my work & have been feeling the impact on every level. Stopping brought me into the deepest grief & despair fór a few months. Sheryl. My body & breath tighten still. I was so primed to the doing. This is all learning . I also have felt a lonelness & sense of abandoment .
with stopping. I can see now that the loss of myself is under all the grief & despair.All too
familiar to me.but the high stress stopped me seeing or feeling & all that has to surface now.. Being willing to try another
way feels like a big risk. But today I feel a little hope & joy . This post from Gail has just
boosted me to see the journey we all share.. i found affirmatiòn very helpful. to help my self worth ” I love & approve of myself. It is safe for me to take care of myself.” Thank you Gail for such welcome post
Gail Brenner says
You are most welcome, Martina! I love your insight and openness…
Mike says
Gail the first paragraph of your blog is a perfect description of who I was, and was actually largely fuelled by the ideology of a “spiritual path” I was following. I was a forensic Dr, working through long nights with victims of rape and child abuse. This was not all about wanting to feel good about myself, I genuinely loved serving and felt a lot of compassion, and I was often deeply listening.. But things did get really messy, the boundaries blurred and although burnt out, I carried on working.
Fortunately “LIFE” came to my rescue and hit me over the head with a debilitating depression. I was forced to stop. During this time there has been a lot of restructuring, beliefs have fallen away. Desires have fallen away. I can now calmly say “no”, when needed.
The “depression” has lead me by the scruff of the neck to show me surrender.
“The road to hell is paved with good intentions”
Gail Brenner says
Our teachers are everywhere, Mike, as you have discovered, and then we’re grateful when something like a debilitating depression comes, as it wakes us up to our false ideas about things.
Your point about giving and serving being a bit sneaky is well taken. We start off with these beautiful intentions, then they can get usurped by the personal self and made into something we never intended, burning us out. So it’s useful to be aware of what we’re actually serving. And it always serves to surrender and serve love.
Jude says
Hi Gail, I have got s little confused over needs and wondered if you could help me get further clarity? I am finding that by responding to my own preferences or needs (limits prescribed by my own personal story and/or an inner knowing of what is appropriate) that I am actually being more and more the presence which you describe. As I continue to learn to open to wellbeing, love and infinite possibilities, that capacity grows but there are also parts of me that have needs that I lovingly attend to ( for me it’s lots of silence and space and alone time) Are these the personal needs that you describe as being eventually thrown into the holy fire of truth or are they the necessary kindnesses to ourselves that can inform the kindest ‘no’ of which you speak and that nurture our beingness? Hope this makes sense!
Gail Brenner says
I love this question, Jude, as it is the essential question about the intersection between the absolute truth and the living of everyday human life. We are life forms in human bodies, and as such, we naturally have preferences. Are these conditioned? I think that is a point that could be debated.
What is most important on this spiritual journey is to know who you are – that you are not defined by any personal needs or voices that might appear in your mind – because in these identifications is where suffering lies. Throw everything in the holy fire of truth that falsely defines you as separate, then live as what remains. It becomes a play rather than a necessity. You may prefer silence and space, but you don’t resist more stimulation if it is present. You have preferences, but you don’t take a stand. Knowing yourself as formless being more and more, the peace you experience isn’t disturbed by anything that arises in it.
Jude says
Thanks for replying Gail. I am overthinking this perhaps but is it the case then, that from that state of beingness, eventually no ‘no’ arises? And no ‘yes’? Does the nervous system remain in a state of balance or is it simply not responded to as a motivator for anything. either way how or from where does doingness then emerge? would I simply not end up in a state of unmoving bliss? I’m not sure I want to surrender that far! I rather love my animal self, like I love my cat. I am hoping my mind is telling me a story that isn’t true about that holy fire of truth!
Gail Brenner says
Your mind is telling you a story, Jude! Doing emerges or it doesn’t. Whatever happens comes from an impersonal place that is not separate from the undivided. Maybe you’d like to test out your theory – that you’ll end up in a state of unmoving bliss. Set aside a few hours and sit until you feel moved to move. Don’t move from your mind or emotions. Just wait until you get up and something happens. And in rare instances some do experience unmoving bliss for some time (e.g. Ramana Maharshi for I think 14 years). Whenever bliss has come in my experience, there’s nothing there that resists it.
I hear you saying you love your animal self. That’s great, but are you willing to throw that love in the fire as well? This path asks us to be willing to give up everything we know and everything we take to be true and real. This doesn’t mean we end up without these things, but we’re asked to let go of our attachment to them. If you love your animal self, does that mean that you’re afraid of what things will be like without it? If so, then put that fear up to the light for exploration.
The “no” of resistance doesn’t arise, but a “no” that’s in alignment with the truth of the moment is certainly possible. Then there’s “yes” to everything – even the “no.” The nervous system will do what it does, so let it be.
What a truth lover you are!
Jude says
Thanks Gail, I appreciate your taking the time to reply with so much consideration. It’s been really helpful and raised my curiosity to play some more.
Ken Rubenstein says
Great column, Gail, thanks.
Gail Brenner says
So sweet to hear from you, Ken! xx
Tiffany sanborn says
I would love to hear more on this topic, and ways to surrender being so attached to out come? I am a hairstylist and now teaching some yoga classes.. I find I am very attached to my chair or class being full , other wise it affects how I feel about self;. I have Two thoughts I try to remember 1) let clients flow in and out of my chair, its not about me.. no clenched fist
2) my yoga mentor said to me once “those who are supposed to be in the class will be there” So if someone cancels its just that they were not meant to be at that class and has nothing to do with me.. so just show up, serve the community and be thankful for the experience no matter what! Some days I am better at this, but for the most part I forget!
Thank you so much for this!
Gail Brenner says
The advice you are getting sounds good to me, Tiffany. It’s not about you whether or not people show up.
But there is something personal that gets touched, so maybe you can go deeper. What gets triggered in you when someone cancels? What need does it fulfill in you to have a full schedule? What beliefs are you holding that is bringing about this attachment? There is some fear or anxiety you’re holding that’s yet to be discovered, and this is what is asking for your attention.
Emily says
Thank you so much Gail, for reminding me. I have struggled with this issue for the past few years. After spending a considerable amount of time serving from a place of the Self, which was effortless as you describe, later the whole experience shifted andI suddenly felt the need to serve in a different way, only there is no knowing of the “what” or “how”, only the feeling of being burned out and without energy needed to continue. I don’t know what is going to come next but I sense the need to say “no” to some of those depending on me now. The personal self has limits and it seems those are being reached in terms of capacity. Still, the saying “no” without knowing why is very painful and I still am in the midst of the process. Thank you so much for your post.
Gail Brenner says
The ego is very sneaky sometimes, Emily. It creeps in, then we wake up, in your case burned out, wondering how we got here.
To me, being burned out and not having energy to continue is enough of a reason to say “no.” In fact, you don’t even need a reason. It’s perfectly valid to say, “As much as I would like to help, it doesn’t feel true for me. I wouldn’t be doing it wholeheartedly.”
You might be concerned about hurting others if you withdraw your help. But from a universal perspective, everyone benefits from truth-telling. We feel it at some level when things are done from a place that’s false (e.g. obligation) and not in full presence and openness.
Susie says
Surrendering, quiet, still, silent, slowly opening my eyes allowing the world to come in, a fine boundary and felt in silence in body as the eyes slowly open, meeting the world. The beauty of this feeling is in everything, the trees, the road, a person a bird. To understand the body, its natural flow, its sensory input, it’s reactive output influenced by its body of internal and external experiences.
Like a car bought brand new, it gets dint’s, it becomes weathered, the paint begins to fade, it gets filled with bags, with papers with dust, with dirt. It doesn’t know this is happening to it, it believes all these things make itself a car until it hits a wall, is stopped, bringing it to stand still, bringing it to seeing itself exactly as it is in that moment. To stay, to see, to be.
Maggie says
I sought out this website tonight because I was so encouraged by your response to my post about anger (I was mad, and madder still because I’d been told that mad is bad, it’s a lower response, it only hurts me, etc., when I saw it as righteous and freeing in this particular situation). Anyway, your reply was golden, reassuring. I’m so grateful.
And so to the present.
I am being really sacrificial in a family situation right now, and what I’m doing is good and helpful. I’m talking majorly helpful: volunteering to take care of a sick parent, and letting a family member who’s financially stressed live in my place while I take care of Mom. I wish my siblings were grateful, but no.
Am I wrong to want to be thanked? I’m giving up a lot to be of service here, and boy, it bugs me that that no one recognizes how huge it is for me to take care of Mom while still trying to work (I’m a freelancer); to be on 24/7 call for very unpleasant duty; to live in Mom’s run-down house while the family member stays at my nice place at the shore; and then not get a thank you in return.
I believe service should be freely given without expectation of reward. Even so, this whole situation bothers me a lot, and I want to not feel this way.
I swear I’m not being a martyr! But I do feel I’m doing an awfully great, kind thing, and no one has noticed that.
Any ideas for me?
Gail Brenner says
Hi Maggie,
What you describe here is a classic situation of wanting what you don’t have. When you place your happiness and contentment into the hands of things and people you can’t control, there is a strong likelihood you will suffer. You have an opinion – that you should be thanked. It doesn’t matter if I agree with this or not (in fact I don’t have an opinion). What does matter is that this opinion conflicts with reality.
The truth is that you are beautifully caregiving and you are not getting thanked. This is what’s real. Also, you feel the way you feel, even though you don’t want to feel that way. Your job is to change what you can, and if you want to be at peace, the only thing you can change is your relationship to your own reaction.
I’m not sure what words you would use, but you sound frustrated and resentful and unacknowledged. What is being asked of you is this: recognize these reactions within you and meet them with love and understanding. See what these reactions are made of – what are these feelings exactly?
This situation is an opportunity to recognize how beliefs about how things should be bring suffering. Let these beliefs go, and be with what is. This isn’t saying you should not feel frustrated. Be open to what appears and be very kind with yourself.
There is much information on this site about meeting feelings and being present with our experience. The more we know and understand these hooks within ourselves, the more we shed them so we can flow like water https://gailbrenner.com/2015/12/flow-like-water/ with things as they are. And this is where peace lies.