“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.”
~Lao Tzu
Just about every single person I meet with is consumed in shame and self-doubt. It’s a dis-ease that’s rampant in our society today. We feel worthless and inadequate. The language in our minds that we use to describe ourselves is so harsh and disparaging.
And we’ve come to believe that what these thoughts tell us is the truth of who we are.
Right now, reflect on the possibility that these thoughts of brokenness and inadequacy don’t accurately describe you. They’re programmed ways of thinking about yourself, but they’re not an accurate reflection of the truth.
You absolutely did not come into the world believing yourself to be inadequate. You came in innocent, whole, and filled with potential. Thinking you’re unworthy and not good enough is an identity you learned through your interactions with others.
Returning to Your Natural State
So the medicine for this identity is to return to your natural state. This is the state of who you were before the identity took hold. And this state, your essential wholeness, has always been here and available to experience.
Distorted beliefs grab our attention and become our reality. But the invitation here is to untangle from these beliefs by withdrawing your attention from them.
Thoughts such as, “I feel worthless; I’ll never amount to anything,” might be very familiar to you. But what happens when you stop feeding them with your attention? What happens when you stop using them to label yourself?
They’re seen as a pattern of words that are random and meaningless. And amazingly you’re free of their impact!
Nothing to Get Rid Of
Every time you notice that you’re caught in thinking that you’re unworthy or lacking, it’s possible to relax your attention away from the story in your head and open to being here right now.
The story may recur many, many times. But don’t see that as a problem. Your job is not to get rid of these thoughts, but to soften your connection with them. And you do that by withdrawing your attention from them. You stop feeding the hopelessness and despair so you’re not reinforcing this way of being.
So here’s how it works. The thought comes, I’m inadequate, I’m worthless, I messed up again, I’m a failure, there’s something wrong with me. Then you stop, and say, “Wait a minute. This pattern of thinking isn’t serving me. I don’t want to believe this about myself. I don’t want this thought pattern ruling my choices any longer. I don’t want to feel so bad.”
With this fire in your belly to stop the suffering, you withdraw your attention from these thoughts. Let them float away like a cloud or burn in the fire of your intention to be free.
You don’t need these painful beliefs about yourself to function in the world. In fact, you might find you’re a whole lot happier without them. Not that they go away, but you don’t use them to define yourself.
The Simple Truth
These thoughts tell you that you’re broken and need to be fixed. But what you realize when you stop buying into them is that right now, you’re here, present, and okay. You don’t need to be fixed or improved.
You’re no longer stuck in the conversation in your head about how you’re inadequate or what you should or shouldn’t have done. Your attention opens to presence, to relaxation, and to the simple fact that without these thoughts, everything is okay. You are okay.
Now there’s space in this present moment. You release into your natural wholeness, into not knowing. Now, you wonder, “How can I be without these thoughts? What will I do? What will I say?”
These are beautiful questions that arise when you step out of limiting thoughts and into a world of new possibilities.
So right now in this moment, notice that without your attention feeding the thoughts of inadequacy and brokenness, you can’t possibly be inadequate or broken. Self-doubt disappears. You no longer need to strive for attention, approval, and validation.
The only true solution to any problem is to realize that your thoughts are not who you are. Then you’re available to the magnificent, never-ending river of life.
What About You?
How do you handle feeling unworthy and inadequate? How have you found freedom from these thoughts? I’d love to hear…
Note: I’ve received many beautiful emails about my new book, At the Core of Every Heart: Reflections, Insights, and Practices for Waking Up and Living Free. If it helped you, please consider leaving a review on Amazon to let others know.
So much love…
Gail
artemis says
Dear Gail, my in-laws made me feel unworthy in becoming their son’s wife from the first day I met them. They made sure to always tell me, treat me or make me feel I was never good enough for their son. But back then being young and because of my back ground I really wanted their approval. Until I got my wake up call.
I ended up with a spinal injury about 16 years into my marriage and was off work for a year. I wore a neck brace, could not drive and was on 12 pain killers a day. But what devastated me the most was that no one of his family came to help me. I was treated like a stranger. I had believed having done the right thing by them for so many years had made me family, but it did not. And that was when I came across a blog which wrote, “If you know who you are and live by your values the only opinion that should every matter is your own”. After that day I detached from these people because I finally realized I valued myself too much to continue being in a family who did not. I learned I did not have to prove anything to anyone. Today I have come a long way and learned, “When you know who you are, you don’t allow anything or any one to ever take your value away”. And I’ve made major changes by removing or changing any thing or anyone which does not serve my well being. Always believe in yourself,that you’re doing the best you can and you deserve the best. I know I do!
Kitty says
I so agree with you Artemis! I spent years dreading my husbands military retirement because it meant that we would be relocating to where he grew up. My father-in-law has always been extremely difficult, but when I decided I’d never have his approval, and it no longer mattered to me, it completely changed everything. I couldn’t believe the difference my attitude made! Now I don’t even see him but a few times a year and he steers clear of me. DH is okay with the situation and he is content to visit his father when he feels like it and leave me at home to do my thing. Life is too short to waste time seeking the acceptance and approval of people that really don’t add anything to my life. It took a while but I value myself more now than ever.
artemis says
Good for you Kitty! How great does it feel! When we realize who we are and what we deserve, we no longer step down or back for any one. We only make room in our lives for people as you say, “add to it”. Ditto!
Take care. xo
Gail Brenner says
You have had such a fierce journey, Artemis, and your willingness to keep doing the work is so inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing your story here.
Love…
artemis says
It’s amazing Gail someone happened to mention that the other day and I had never looked back on my life. I am realizing that now that I know better, I am standing up for my life and making better decisions until I get to where I want to be.
Thank you.
Kitty says
Some time ago, I became aware of how one disparaging thought about myself could set the tone for the whole day. I never spoke to other people the way I spoke to myself. Something had to change. I developed the habit of telling myself when those dark nasty thoughts rose in my mind that “I’m not going there.” Then I learned to steer my mind elsewhere; if others didn’t deserve to be spoken to so harshly and accusingly, then neither did I. At first that phrase sounded like a broken record. Now I rarely use it. I’ve been enjoying my journey over the last few years and changing my life for the better.
Gail Brenner says
Beautiful, Kitty, to recognize that the thoughts were bringing you down and seeing the option of not going there. You are a testament to that possibility!
Dona Swenson says
The timing of reading this article feels like a gift from God. Just yesterday I was thinking about how some women have this aura of confidence and their very presence draws people to them. With that thought came “How is it that other people like myself have always done their best, tried their hardest, been kind and thoughtful of others, yet are treated as though they are worthless. Extending any amount of civility is unnecessary because people like me don’t matter anyway. This is hard enough from family and others who know me but often from strangers. It baffles me and I wonder what kind of message am I sending that I am not even aware of that would provoke such negativity from others.” It has made me fearful of interacting with people and often I think “Please, just leave me alone and let me be.” I have tried to make connections with others but it seems I fall short. Thank you for putting words to painful feelings.
Gail Brenner says
You might want to read this article, Dona: Your World Is a Projection of Your Inner State. If you are treated as worthless by others, there must be something going on within. I appreciate your desire to find your way through this suffering.