“How long will you think about this painful life?
How long will you think about this harmful world?
The only thing it can take from you is your body.
Don’t say all this rubbish and stop thinking.”
~Rumi
An unexamined mind is a self-centered mind. If you’re unconsciously taking the content of your thoughts to be true, then you’re fully engaged in the story of me…me…me.
If you’re stuck in the machine of conditioning, without realizing it, you’re constantly thinking about what you need, what you want, and what you should or shouldn’t be feeling.
Your Personal Agenda
The “I” that you define yourself as is the reference point for everything, and all your thoughts are about your personal agenda.
- Am I okay?
- Am I getting what I need?
- Am I doing the right thing?
- Am I safe?
- I want more.
- I think he shouldn’t have said that.
- In my opinion, she should be doing it differently.
- It’s her fault, not mine.
Not only is this inner self-talk exhausting, it creates an agitated, unhappy mind.
If you identify with the contents of that mind and it becomes the sole focus of your attention, you will undoubtedly feel agitated and unhappy. Instead of engaging with a mind filled to the brim with personal thoughts of fear and dissatisfaction, consider the radical proposition of being empty.
Empty of the Story of “Me”
What if you were to empty out these personal thoughts? How? Take them in a big heap and put them aside because they’re not serving.
And here you are, pure and pristine. A mind infinitely open like the sky. Breath breathing itself. You might think you need a personal self with all of its preferences and opinions. But here’s the truth: you don’t.
Life goes along just fine whether or not the mind is chattering. And when you’re empty of the personal self, your experience will be so much more peaceful.
But don’t take my word for it. Find out in your own experience. Next time you’re lost in suffering, realize how much your attention is supporting the story of me…me…me. Subtract the “me” and all that goes with it, and you’re one with the seamless flow of life.
An Experiment
Try this experiment: become very familiar with the story of the separate self and how it wends its way into your mind and body. Then empty it out. Pour out the personal needs and strategies that aren’t serving. Throw away the needless opinions, demands, and expectations. Then experience yourself as fully here and available to life’s unfolding.
What About You?
I’d love to hear your reports and insights. And if you’re reading this by email, please click here to go to GailBrenner.com and to comment.
Love to you…
Gail
PS: This passage is Chapter 33 from my book entitled, At the Core of Every Heart: Reflections, Insights, and Practices for Waking Up and Living Free. For more and to purchase the book, please click here.
Deana says
I love this, but I’m trying to wrap my head around it. So, say you are in a relationship that doesn’t seem to be “meeting your needs”, “wanting more”, “maybe this isn’t the right relationship for me”…etc, me, me, me thoughts. How do you transform these type of thoughts or feelings or do you let go of them? Are they the truth, do you listen to them? Is it my truth telling me that there is something within me that is yearning to be loved and accepted?
Gail Brenner says
Great questions, Deana!
Your examples – meeting your needs, wanting more, etc – there are all stories about the true knowing. The personal “me” likes to take credit for everything. As an exploration, let go of this content, and go deeper into your core truth prior to the stories, and discover your deepest knowing about the relationship. This asks you to listen and not know.
And, as you suggest, there may be great benefit in exploring to see if there are conditioned patterns running in you that need to be explored – e.g. the yearning to be loved and accepted. If this story line keeps recurring, it’s a sign of a conditioned pattern. It’s a story of “me” that deserves questioning, by asking, Who is the “me” who thinks she need love and acceptance? What exactly is this sense of lack that these needs arise from? What is blocking the realization of the peaceful space of presence beyond all stories?
The exhausting story of “me” is the one that makes you think there’s always something lacking. What if you took that whole identity and let it go? Is there really lack or has the mind just created it?
Happy exploring!! Love… Gail
Deana says
Thank you for responding, I really appreciate your insight. Deeper exploring will definitely be happening! 🙂
Mark says
How? What is the first step and best way to begin letting go of the story of me? Every thought I have from morning to night is how am I going to solve the problems in my life personally and professionally. There is always the underlying feeling that I should be doing something. If I’m not working on these “problems” I feel that my mind just goes blank and I sit and do nothing. I don’t know how to let it all go.
Gail Brenner says
Thanks so much for this question, Mark. I am sure you are not the only one who is asking it.
When you pay attention to all of these thoughts, your attention takes you out of what’s here in this present moment and into your mind which tells you that you need to be doing something. So think of your attention like food: what you feed is what grows. And if you feed these thoughts with your attention and make their content (what they tell you) real, then you will be caught in them. But if you bring your attention to the breath or give yourself the opportunity for silence, stillness, and being aware of what’s here, then you are enjoying presence and not feeding the content of these thoughts with your attention.
Once you stop feeding these thoughts, even for a short time, you get a chance to notice what is underlying them. Your mind is going blank, and you sit and do nothing. But I am wondering what else is going on. What is happening in your body when your mind is blank? What does that impulse to do feel like in your body? What emotions are you experiencing?. Once we stop paying attention to all those thoughts, there is space for our attention to open up to the rest of our experience. And that includes what is happening in the body and the all-encompassing experience of just being aware.
Noticing the story of me and how it brings you suffering is a huge first step. Now that you can see the story of me, is it true? Do you need to solve all these problems? What if you did sit and do nothing? If you sit and give it time, eventually you will get up and something will happen.
The letting go part is in letting go of making these thoughts important and real. And when you do that, you are primed to be able to truly live whatever is in your experience in any given moment. This is a radical undertaking from the mind’s point of view, as the mind is highly conditioned to think, create problems, and keep you engaged with worries. But from the point of view of presence, it is sane and relaxing.
You can only live fully in the present moment. So the question is: where does your attention go? Is it taken away into thoughts about the past and future – or are you here, open, and available to the potential of what’s possible way beyond the mind’s content?
Happy to hear your thoughts about this….
Lisa says
I am so tired that all I feel like doing is sitting and doing nothing. I have such a fear of doing that, though. Such a fear that I won’t get all of the things done that I have to do. And then my world will fall apart.
Artemis says
So love the knowledge and guidance I always receive from you posts Gail. Thank you.
I find because of the situation I am going through (separated and doing it alone) that this uneasiness I constantly feel of having no stability and security, I constantly am talking to myself to cope and be strong.
“I’m okay”. “I’m safe”. “I am strong,I am coping”.
And I do agree it becomes very tiring and hard at times to constantly keep it up. And even more so when one is feeling the hurt and going through it alone.
But isn’t the reason we talk to ourselves is to give ourselves strength and courage to be able to keep going? Isn’t using encouraging thoughts during a challenging time a good thing?
How else can one cope to feel safe and stay strong inside when everything around them has fallen apart.
And I try very hard to calm myself when I feel overwhelmed or groundless by focusing on my breathing but sometimes find this is not enough.
I guess I am trying to find the best way to help and support myself through this.
Thank you.
Gail Brenner says
Yes, using these thoughts as your inner coach to help you cope can be very useful. I’m always of the mind that if something helps, then keep doing it. These are then supportive thoughts – not those exhausting ones that are filled with fear and lack.
What is tiring is the need to convince yourself that you are ok. That means there is a part of you who thinks you’re not ok. It can become a form of ping pong, where your attention goes back and forth between these two thought patterns.
So another way in toward peace is to fully acknowledge the part of you – the emotions – that are scared, hurt, shameful, and overwhelmed. Then “you” as the wisest part of you, the loving awareness that is not involved in these stories, can hold and embrace these emotions. This approach is more effortless. You’re not trying to change anything – you are just meeting your own experience as it is with wisdom and love. If you feel hurt, you might hold a pillow close to your belly and heart and let these emotions be. You might also talk to them, saying you’re here for them and have their back.
This welcoming can go very deep into the most shadow-y parts, inviting them into the light of awareness. And this is how separation ends when these emotions no longer need to hide out.
Here is an article about meeting difficult emotions. Welcoming is sometimes too much, so there are other things to try.
I love how you want to be a support to yourself – and I am here in support as well. Much love to you, my dear friend….
Artemis says
Lovely Lady you made me cry. When I think of the uneasiness it is fear and anxiety. I feel I am standing in front of openness. There is no foundation around me.
And I can see this is the part of me which feels I’m not ok because I’m not feeling okay.
And I so love when you say to “fully acknowledge this part of you-these emotions-fear,hurt” and “you”the wisest part of you,the loving awareness that is not involved can hold and embrace these emotions”.
Such beautiful comforting words of advice,thank you.
I guess I am trying so hard to stay strong to cope and try to not give too much attention to these emotions which I feel so deep and take a lot out of me. And as you say “welcoming is sometimes too much” because that’s the impact I feel when I try to.
From the bottom of my heart, I am so grateful for the guidance and direction you have given me during this challenging time.
Thank you so much for your big heart and your support which means so much to me.
Sincerely grateful. xo
Gail Brenner says
Hi Artemis,
It sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of work to cope, and that is perfectly appropriate. Maybe balance it with times of ease when you’re just here with what is. Even if it’s painful, you get to relax into what’s here a little more.
There is so much wisdom in this statement: “And I can see this is the part of me which feels I’m not ok because I’m not feeling okay.” There may be feelings that tell us we’re not okay, but that’s not the whole picture. The more expansive, open part can hold these feelings in love.
Holding you in love….
Artemis says
Thank you Gail for your inspirational words of advice.
And yes I agree there needs to be balance which I tend to forget a lot being so consumed on coping and staying strong.
I will try to be more aware of creating more balance and being there for myself with love.
Sincerely grateful. xo
Anil says
Your thoughts and insights are so crystal clear.The moment i read your posts, i could feel the peace among chaos. Its a divine blessing to read your posts and relish every moments of it.Sending regards from twenty thousand miles away.:-)
Gail Brenner says
So glad for you, Anil! You may be very far away, but there’s no distance in the one heart that holds all. Much love…
Mousami says
Hi Gail
Thank you so much for your post.
I try to follow your teachings slowly slowly it is working out to some extent and I definitely get more peace than before and my life is changing
But yesterday, my old patterns of becoming very anxious surfaced, with a trigger of a situation: my dear ones father and brother coming to my home, I felt as if I am drained completely, no strength in me, how will I alone do all the work at home, along with attending my clinic? I am totally incapable, now what will happen, how I will serve them , which actually I feel a good opportunity to serve my dear ones, but I am weak, incapable, slow….a big fear and tension arose in mind.
I didn’t know practically how this should be solved, I could see the lack of time, lack of my strength ( mentally more). The strength was going off from my legs by seeing the mess of work at home when I came back at 10.30pm to home.
There I could not be in peace. Sometimes things are really factual, it shows a lot of time lag is going to happen, the mess produces tremendous confusion in mind, unable to think or frame out anything. There, practically how this will be handled if we don’t want sufferings, fear, confusion, incapable feeling and if we want to be with the flow of life and be calm???
Regards Mousami
Gail Brenner says
What was needed in this situation, Mousami? It sounds like you were overwhelmed, stressed, and very tired. Acknowledging that, what is your next best step – to take care of yourself and rest or attend to your father and brother? Whatever decision you made, do it fully in acceptance. The stress in our lives comes from resisting what is, and resistance comes in the form of thoughts. Even if you were overwhelmed, but you wanted to continue to do more, you can make that decision cleanly and without frustration and conflict.
The mess is in our minds. It’s in how we interpret what’s going on. You can have a lot to do, but do it without a layer of thought. Then you are at peace.
Not that you should be perfect and never feel stressed. But when stress comes, know that you can untangle your thinking and find your way out of it.