“What a liberation to realize that the ‘voice in my head’ is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that.”
~Eckhart Tolle
We all hold identities about ourselves, and these are the filters through which we view the world.
Say that being capable is part of how you define yourself. That means you’ll show up in situations with confidence, believing you’ll be able to accomplish whatever is needed.
The Prison of Identities
Some of our identities are not so supportive.
If you believe you’re inadequate or unworthy of love, you’ll live as if these ideas are true, and you’ll feel and act like you’re inherently deficient. Here are some other examples:
- You think of yourself as independent, so you don’t ask for help or share your needs with others,
- You’re supposed to have it all together, so you think you have to hide your vulnerable side,
- You think you need to be perfect, so the inner critic constantly bashes you to keep you in line,
- You need to prove yourself, so you run yourself ragged creating a positive self-image.
Identities are made up of programmed thought processes and emotions that we wear like a skin that’s way too tight. And living them is exhausting.
We take the vast magnificence of who we are that expands way beyond these made-up identities and squish it to fit inside an imaginary boundary.
It’s like we’ve put ourselves in prison with the key sitting there right next to us.
Out of Prison
Believing these identities is optional because they are not who you are. Whatever you believe about yourself—you don’t have to believe it.
Couldn’t you take a breath and open to the fullness of the moment rather than ruminate about your inadequacy? Couldn’t you turn toward the inner critic, put up your hand, and say a firm, “No thank you?”
These self-beliefs are so familiar that we assume they are true. We can’t see outside of them, and we think we’re doomed to suffer forever.
The invitation always is to bring the light of conscious awareness to your in-the-moment experience. Notice what stories about yourself that you’ve taken to be true.
Then take the shortcut route to happiness. Have a mind that doesn’t believe what it thinks. Turn away from all of these identities, and you’ll find that things—right here and right now—are just fine.
Your Natural Brilliance
Putting on a limited identity separates you from others and the world and mutes your brilliance.
Step out of this skin that you pretend is real, and meet life as it is—generous, benevolent, and totally in love with itself.
How do you define yourself? How does that self-definition affect you? What would happen if you stepped away from this identity?
Leave it in a heap on the floor, as you enter the world innocent, full of wonder, and not knowing anything.
Questions? Comments about leaving the prison of your identity? I’d love to hear… And if you’re reading by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.
PS: I’ll be in London the week of May 22. If you’re around, please come to the meetup. I’d love to see you!
Deb S. says
When you say that if I turn away from identities I’ll find that everything is just fine, right here, right now….how does that fit in to obvious hardship that could be occuring at this very moment, like intense sickness, financial insecurity, violence? I know that there is a way to get underneath all that, to access the peace and stillness of nonjudgement and tap into inherent wisdom on the right course of action or reframing to take, but is this inherently obvious when you say a blanket statement like that? Does it turn some people off, thinking you’re a Pollyanna? I have my own way of coming to peace around hardship…similar to your way…but for another reader who doesn’t have that particular grasp, how can they be lead to open to your teachings if they may dismiss you as being too “warm and fuzzy” and not in touch with daily struggling with pretty intense hardship? Maybe a reference to another article for in depth explaining? Maybe a quick sidenote of explanation? I’m just wanting to see your message reach as many people as possible. Thanks. Deb S.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Deb,
I appreciate the point that you are making, and yes, this needs some explanation and fine tuning. The answer is exactly as you say. The place where everything is just fine is not necessarily in the events that are occurring – it’s in the peace and stillness that are here underneath the life situations. You describe it beautifully: accessing “the peace and stillness of nonjudgement and tap into inherent wisdom on the right course of action or reframing to take.”
As you know, this is not a Pollyanna point of view when you live it. In fact, it’s about fully meeting everything that arises in response to any situation, which is where the wisdom comes from regarding the course of action. I love your idea to write an article explaining this and your understanding of what others might need to know this peace. I will definitely keep this in mind.
Deb S. says
Thank-you, Gail!
Ann says
I rarely read anything that really relates to me at my stage in life. I don’t feel in prison, I have no fear of the unknown, I trust myself etc. I am at a strange place in life. I am 70 and found my passion in life at 20 and lived it until I retired at 62. Since then I have lost all my birth family (Mom, Dad and brother), all my best friends (4) and my life’s work which was giving quality of life and a life meaning to captive animals. (you can click on my website to see my past life!) I have never been a human relationship person, so not having this life’s work and no support of a best friend and family. I am kind of a square peg in a world of round holes! I feel lost.I have nice friends and do things with them but my heart just isn’t in life anymore. Any advice? 🙂
Gail Brenner says
You’ve had so many losses, Ann! I’m wondering if you’ve taken the time and attention to allow all these feelings to surface and be welcomed (and maybe with professional support or a grief support group). I wouldn’t expect that you would just move on and be fully satisfied with this new stage in your life with so many changes.
This time in your life strikes me as a turning point for you to reflect on how you want to live this next chapter. What is important to you now? Where do you get fulfillment and satisfaction now? How do you want your life to look? And making space for the answers while honoring all your past relationships, both human and non-human.
You’ve been blessed with work you love, family, and close friendships. Appreciate all these deeply as these are your roots. Where do you want to sprout from here?
Daniele says
Thank you ♡♡♡
Gail Brenner says
Love to you, too, Daniele!
Keith says
Thank you for this lovely article. It also brings to mind the statement that is mentioned at times in mindfulness – “You are not your thoughts”. Perhaps because it is like a prison without walls, that so often, we get stuck in it without realizing we are confining ourselves. I am still working to become more aware of my thoughts. There have been some glimpses and I hope that I will be able to spend most of my time outside of this prison instead of inside. 🙂
Gail Brenner says
You are well along this path to freedom, Keith. It takes the fire to become aware of your thoughts and to realize that they don’t actually define you. And you have that fire!
Yes, these thought patterns are automatic, and we don’t realize we’re stuck. Getting unstuck from them – and getting out of prison – asks for consciousness and the willingness to be in the unknown without them.
Wishing you a beautiful journey…
Helen Gennari says
Gail, thank you for this wonderful reminder of how strong our thoughts are~~and how easily we allow them to take us down those narrow paths of distorted beliefs some of us formed as children. Your words inspire me to remember my daily practice of trying to respond to life with awareness of my limitless possibilities.
Gail Brenner says
What a beautiful way to live, Helen!
Betty says
Hi Gail, This article is exactly what I just discussed with a friend today minutes ago, and how I get through my life now. I had panic attacks several times a day for 5 months last year, and was so depressed, My mind couldn’t think a positive thought. My body would react to high anxiety without even hearing the thoughts. I was feeling like there was a war inside me, and no matter how hard I worked to put my thoughts in there place, my mind would give me some even more horrific thought that would hook me, and I was devastated, powerless in fear and grief. I was so afraid of my thoughts. Even now I tpook antidepressants and anti anxiety meds but one day I took the right dose and the panic attacks just went away. But most important I kept yelling for help. Not in 3 months…I need it now. I was so scared I was loosing the battle and would have to take my life. Now that neurotransmitters are balanced out, I try not to think. I find peace in the moment. Otherwise my mind still churns up questions I can’t answer and fears that the future and Me, my actions will be wrong somehow. The present is the only place I can be in peace and able to meet and experience whatever comes my way. It seems pretty crazy but this is my reality now. I don’t allow negative thought to hold me back from doing what I want to, I DO have to work at it, but there is a whole new beautiful world of connection with others, synchronicity, and amazing possibility. Well worth working for! I don’t know who I am , or what I will do, but in the moment It doesn’t matter!. It just takes courage to walk this path and really live!!!
Gail Brenner says
Well said, Betty! I’m very happy for you that you have discovered that peace is sustainable. So glad you now really live! Thank you for sharing your experience.