âOut beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
~Rumi
Any belief that we hold onto makes us feel separate. We blame, criticize, and divide the world into right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable.
The pain of the judging mind runs rampant.
Every day I hear of people judging the decisions they made when they were younger, judging their appearance, judging every word that comes out of their mouth, and judging what other people say and do.
How Judging Thoughts Affect Us
How does it feel to judge? Check in with your own inner experience. Youâll find that you feel sad, contracted, shameful, separate, and alone.
Judgments contain a solid sense of the personal âIâ who thinks it knows what is right and wrong.
- Iâm right in thinking he should have acted differently.
- I know everyoneâs looking at me and thinking thereâs something wrong with me.
- I know sheâs shouldnât be so negative.
Do you want to be right or do you want to be close, connected, and aligned with the truth of things?
Finding Another Way
My invitation to you today is to turn away from judgments that appear in your mind. Why? Because it’s kind.
I know that might sound hard to do, but give it a try. Notice judging thoughts, but know that if you follow them, they wonât take you to happiness.
Say, âNo thank you,â to the pain of judging thoughts.
What do you do instead? You find another way.
Instead of staying stuck in right and wrong, look beyond those thoughts and bring compassion and understanding to the moment.
If youâre judging someone elseâs behavior, get curious. Wonder why theyâre doing what theyâre doing. Whatâs the feeling or intention behind the behavior?
Use the opportunity to break down your own mental ideas that divide and separate, and connect with the tender humanness of the other person. Can you simply say OK to them as they are?
And if youâre judging yourself, you already know that it doesnât serve your peace and happiness.
Whatever youâre judging about yourself needs your love and care. Hold that part of you like a loving mother holds her child. Bring compassion to the one who is hurting, to the one who is doing her best.
Be supremely kind with your own inner experience.
Leaning Into Love
One day as I was driving, I noticed that the car in front of me had a vanity license plate that sent a message about the driverâs self-importance. A harsh judging thought arose in my mind about how conceited that person must be. And immediately I felt a strong, almost physical stab of sadness and separation.
Letting that feeling be, I looked for another way.
I felt deep compassion for the human conditionâthe one who judges and the one who chose to publicize their views about themselves on a license plate. Did that license plate really matter to me?
This seemingly trivial experience led to a huge heart opening that included everyone and everything. My internal dividing walls collapsed, and I fell into an ocean of love.
Itâs the nature of the mind to judge, but you donât have to give those judging thoughts any of your interest and attention.
You donât have to engage with them at all.
Let them float off like a cloud moving across the sky. And find your way to your huge, natural, loving, open heart. Youâre going to love it, I promise you.
What About You?
Do you notice the pain of judging thoughts? What’s another way? I’d love to hear…. And if you’re reading this by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.
Desmene says
While I love this as an ideal, I’ve recently experienced a deep betrayal (stolen creative work, insults when I asked for attribution) by two women I thought were at least respectful colleagues, if not friends. I’ve lost a lot of faith in sharing and being open hearted. While I realize that this hurt will likely fade in time and I’ll be more open to your great concepts, I doubt I will ever trust or wish to be around either of them ever again. I also find myself feeling cynical about “oneness”– which is sad in itself. I read many things that advocate an open loving heart, but rarely discussed is the issue of whether some people are just not good to be around. I’d appreciate your thoughts on open heartedness and discernment.
Gail Brenner says
Hi Desmene,
Openheartedness is not passive or naive. It integrates with wisdom to navigate situations with the most appropriate response – which sometimes can be a desire to not be around certain people. There are no rules about how a loving heart is expressed – it’s about what response appears in a situation that takes into consideration everyone and everything (including you).
The true meaning of oneness is not at the level of form. It’s a new age concept when we say something like, “We are all one.” We are not one – we are, in a certain way, separate individuals, all with our own concepts, needs, and conditioned patterns. And at that level, it’s wise to be discerning about who we want to be relating to in our lives.
Oneness is beyond form and describes the nature of consciousness. Consciousness (or awareness) is life itself, the source of everything in form – but consciousness itself is formless. It’s what is realized to be here when we relax away from the mind and any ideas of separation. Awakening to this truth can inform how we experience the world of forms. The true nature of you as a person is the same true nature as a tree or someone who betrays you. Truly knowing this (not just as a concept) creates a huge heart opening where the illusion of forms is taken lightly. Yes, someone betrayed you, and it is seen that that is due to their own pain, fear, need, and conditioning. Knowing that, you can make a wise choice about how you would like to move forward.
How to decide who you want to be around? Let life lead you. Meet your own reactions with loving acceptance, and receive what’s offered as fodder for your awakening. Surrender into the One Heart, and let yourself be moved. There is an intelligence here that is way beyond the human mind.
All forms arise from the formless experience
Desmene says
Thanks for your reply, Gail. I’ll have to meditate on that. “Oneness” as energy I can understand, but others acting purposefully to diminish or wound is still a sticky concept for me. I find your writings sincere and so will keep open to “getting it” at some point– I guess physical separation (with its grief of loss) and working to love and forgive myself are my work right now. Good to lose illusions as well! Thank you so much for your thoughtful offerings.
Laurie rothberg says
You are so right about the judgments, Gail, i have finally attributed it to the human condition, that people are what they are.
I know I’ve mentioned this before but I find people quite strange in many ways.
My dearest friend is literally on death’s door and I went over to see her two weeks ago and didn’t call,first. I was so worried about her that I just drove up the road.
She wasn’t happy I came and told me so.
We’ve talked several times a week for years .
She knew she upset me and told me she was dying. She called me the next day and told me to call first to see if she felt ok.
Her family can be there and that’s ok. She called me and said I could come and later her daughter in law said no that she just felt too bad. Her daughter in law is ok.
Last year we drove to Manhattan a 2.5 trip each way. I’ve seen her sick.
Why do people act this way? I stopped calling and I did send cards. Now I know my friendship is done. I tried to get her son to keep me unadated and he doesn’t. Her daughter in law neither.
They never really liked my partner and I as we are lesbians. Don’t know if they might have kept me up on her condition otherwise.
Gail Brenner says
Like you say, Laurie. People judge. It’s the nature of the human mind. So our job is to meet our feelings/reactions with love and acceptance and have compassion for the suffering of others.
Marion says
Thank you Gail !
This article touched me deeply. Last weeks blew me away. Actually, every week you stop me in my tracks and reorient me to what’s truly important.
Deepest thank you for these weekly writings đ
Love, Marion
Gail Brenner says
I’m glad you find the articles so helpful, Marion! Love to you….
JP says
Thank you, Gail.
I appreciate the way out you suggested whenever in a mind judging situation- go beyond those thoughts and bring compassion and understanding. That’s such a good challenge that tells me that at any of these agonizing moments of judment I have a choice to either ruminate in misery or be at peace.
Thank you.
Gail Brenner says
I love that we always have a choice, JP!
Joyce Fairbrother says
Hi Gail, thank-you for your great articles every week- I’ve found great freedom from the book “Soul Without Shame” by Byron Brown. Stepping out of the judgement loop is stepping out of the whole relationship between the judge and the deficient me identities, basically from one paradigm into something entirely new. Happy Friday, Joyce ????
Gail Brenner says
Thanks for this, Joyce. Without judging, the deficient me has no legs to exist. And without that familiar “friend,” things are entirely fresh and new. Wonderful!
Helen Gennari says
Gail, this is such an important topic because the tendency to judge seems to be an integral part of our humanity. Because of my mom’s example, and with practice, I easily catch myself when beginning to judge, and stop that thought with the thought that I can’t read an other’s heart or mind. I struggle more with not judging myself. That’s a hard one. Again, it’s a matter of “awareness” of my inner dialogue and re-directing my thoughts to a kinder perspective.
Gail Brenner says
That awareness is so key, Helen. As we slow things down and become familiar with how our conditioning runs, we can spot it. Then there’s space for the kinder, truer perspective.
Dona Swenson says
Your article is spot on. What came to my mind fwas how the act of judging either others or ourselves is just the tip of the iceberg. Under the judging is where the process takes on a life of its own. Keeping in mind when judging is activated it is never out of a sense of goodness, rather it rises it’s ugly head with its roots in every negative thought we as humans can find. The process I referred to above is how first comes the judgement then the story that we attach to that judgement. The story we decide is based on our history that in fact has nothing to do with the person that has been targeted and everything to do with ourselves and our own perceived internal pain, anger, envy, etc. We as a species are so quick to find something wrong with anyone for any reason. What could our world be if instead we looked toward others and ourselves with kindness and compassion?
Gail Brenner says
These are essential truths, Dona. Thank you for sharing them.
Tristan says
I love the spirit of your posts always, Gail! There are some things worth your giving more focus to, tho. Many of our reactions exist for healthy reasons — for instance, I’m glad I’m astutely, sometimes painfully, aware when in the presence of many hurt people who, in turn, hurt people, here in Cape Town. When one is bighearted towards them, they can be so sweet: the child comes out in them, they love lapping it all up.
Naively, I used to then be willing to engage with them more, but do they change fundamentally?: usually, no. They’ll just be happy whenever there can be honey on the table to lap up. Some can become obsessed with you, and even violent. Most women see me as this loving object to capture for mating, and many men think women are to be tricked into sex/rape. It feels like living on The Island of Dr Moreau…
On the level of existence beyond form, all is swell and will always be well đ So it’s the world of form that now asks for our attention. There’s no depth in saying that a mirage really doesn’t exist. It does exist: it’s a pattern of refracted light.
I have a yet unidentifiable nasty woman stalking me, on email and twitter for over a year. She even used to email some of my family and friends to try to reach/manipulate me. I’m glad I have my instincts to protect me, as my kindhearted response to her first 2 emails only encouraged her obsession. What I do tho is “remove the poisonous feelings” from my inner assessment of the situation and I simply keep her abusive emails in my Legal folder.
If one simply lets go of one’s thoughts, they come back. One needs to gently say, “Thank you, feelings&thoughts for informing me. I have taken you seriously” and then they can disappear off.
I doubt you and I will have any essential disagreement, only a matter of what you emphasize. You’re so often focusing on the letting go of thoughts, when the heart of the matter is to heal those problems that are serious, so that they don’t have to keep coming back.
Please keep connecting with us in the complexities of the form world, while also floating free — I treasure the full, real you far more than any mantra đ
Much love to you always, and please come visit this beautiful “Island” some day,
Tristan
Why doesn’t the world beyond form not reveal itself more readily to all, beyond sending us a few “Gails” for guidance…? We dunno why, but it wouldn’t hurt for It to be more generous…
Gail Brenner says
We don’t disagree, Tristan, and yes it is a matter of emphasis. All of our experience wants to be acknowledged, so yes to saying hello to thoughts – but not letting their messages be the thing that guides us. The content of most thoughts is fear-based and divisive. I am much happier when I don’t listen to these thoughts!
Tristan says
Life does feel easier without them thoughts and the information they contain… I love flow. Gail, your ideas are great for freedom from unhelpful obsessive thinking.
I have lost such dear friends because their feelings for me became too strong â such that they suddenly âhad toâ ignore me. If I had thought more, I would have worked out that my being this unconditionally wonderful, caring person was not remaining properly cognizant of the intense self-obsession of women that one reads about, hears about. [If you’re a woman, you may experience more of the selfishness of men!]
I’m the white sheep in an awful family — did I judge them there with ‘awful’: it is a mild pointer at the truth of what each of them is, and even if you’d insist they’re not intrinsically ‘damaged’, they are utterly locked in ‘damaged patterns’. Infinite love has not found much expression in them. For them, almost everything important is ultimately about power.
Close friends I made over the years are wonderfully wholesome in comparison — I seem to connect with some truly exceptional souls. Indeed I connect easily with almost anyone, but nevertheless observe that the world at large seems dominated by emotions, with little effort made to care for the real someone. I think you are far, far greater than the “impression of Gail that I have in my head” and so I’d make the effort to care for the real you, not my illusion.
[Ooh, that sounds dangerous — is Tristan becoming too personal with Gail here? — no, it just sounds weird, because others are so selfishly locked in their own heads!]
A lot of people voted Trump because they let go of their thoughts: they felt “He could be our changer and hero”, while not thinking through: “The people I know in my life who say and do the things Trump does, do I trust them in important ways?”
Feeling “I don’t feel good about that political woman being president” instead of thinking through it: “She does at least try to be a decent person and has tremendous knowledge and a bright mind”.
What I would love you to write about is how do we kind, compassionate&loving people engage best in a world of people for whom Power is central? Do we float happily above it, or do we use all our feeling and thinking to gently move the Whole while being part of it?
[As a psychologist, you exercise due detachment while you enable your patients to find the light in their own ways, but most human beings are not professional counsellors — they’re negotiating the subsuming Balance of Power system out there. The robotic types will look at my comment and say simply, “Too long”!!] đ
Gail Brenner says
My experience is that we don’t move the whole, we are moved by it. The whole has an intelligence far greater than any human mind. And by definition, the whole contains everything and doesn’t exclude or judge. For me, I allow myself to be moved by the whole, and I don’t worry about the rest of it. And this way of being is not just for professional counsellors. In fact, many professionals don’t have this understanding. It’s our true nature and available to everyone.
Tristan says
Yes, of course, you as “Gail” don’t experience the moving of the Whole, because you are only a very small part/pattern in it all. And Tristan, the non-accomplished-artist, can nevertheless look at what he sees of it all and express how beautiful it is, and also how much of it is ugly. And accept that it is ugly, with an open, loving heart! It’s healthy to say truthfully when “the emperor has no clothes; please change” đ instead of praising larger wisdom that one is not in a position to appraise. One of the most unfortunate aspects of the “nirvana-directed” approach is the individual search to escape suffering. The self is a temporary pattern, some suffering is very worthwhile as part of fully engaging, and (as you pointed out before) let’s instead focus on allowing beauty and joy to flow and be created thru us!
Your floating above the world of suffering is wonderful in that you are not perpetuating the cycle of hurt people passing on their hurt. While you care for people’s hearts in such a wonderful way as a psychologist, you’ll also find that your implicit belief in “leaving the mind behind” instead of simply embracing it as a tool (as you would any other tool) keeps you disconnected from engaging reality fully. When confronted by girls&boys who are right now being raped every second night by their dads/”uncles”, you will remain partially disconnected. Your message theme will ring so off-tone in the reality of their lives…
Stan says
If I return to the moment a thousand times a day, will it get to be less times over time?
Gail Brenner says
I don’t know the answer to this, Stan, but I can tell you my own experience. I’ve gotten to the point where I enjoy returning to the moment. It doesn’t matter to me if I get caught or not because I know that it takes virtually no time to get un-caught. Once you have the knowing that peace is less than a millimeter away, the suffering around thoughts and feelings just doesn’t hold water anymore.
That said, for me the answer is yes, I get caught less now, and there’s a sustaining peace within.
Stan says
Thanks
brook river says
Beautifully written- judgement of anything; emotions, people, self, experiences. All of the aforementioned brings extreme stuffering.
I absolutely love this piece, so much ???????????????????????????????????????? thank you angel.
I always go a layer deeper. When people are rude to me, initially I may feel anger, then it quickly transcends into sadness for the person, and sending them love for their pain, as we are all one.
Gail Brenner says
Beautiful, Brook, to not stay in the anger and let the other emotions in. Thank you for sharing this!