“Whatever you resist you become. If you resist anger, you are always angry. If you resist sadness, you are always sad. If you resist suffering, you are always suffering. If you resist confusion, you are always confused. We think that we resist certain states because they are there, but actually they are there because we resist them.”
~Adyashanti
Note: In this post, I’m sharing the presentation I made at the Science and Nonduality Conference (SAND) in October, 2017. I hope you find it helpful! Love, Gail
Whether it leaves you seething inside or it explodes into your relationships, anger is a powerful emotion. But many of us are uncomfortable with anger, especially if we think we’re “spiritually advanced” enough to have moved beyond it.
How do we react to feeling angry? We fight it, justify it, deny it, or stuff it. We’re frustrated when anger overcomes us and we feel so out of control. We feel guilty if we believe it’s an unwholesome emotion we shouldn’t experience.
Anger is one of the ways the timeless, formless breath of life breathes itself into form. So let’s bring anger out of the shadows of shame and meet it with the endless embrace of love and understanding.
Anger is a normal expression of the human experience. And seen through the eyes of awakened awareness, it’s a doorway to embodying our essential aliveness beyond time and space.
We investigate the experience of anger that’s behind the actions it brings about. Anger consists of a narrative in the mind and strong physical sensations in the body.
We’ll explore how anger contributes to the pain of separation and learn ways to be with the elements of anger that are practical and enlivening.
Unexamined anger feeds the illusion of the separate, limited self. When we turn toward anger with curiosity, it’s no longer the raging beast driving us, but becomes a powerful ally for awakening and authentic living.
To download, click Download. The audio will open in a new window. Then for Mac’s, control-click, then “Save video as…”. For PC’s, right click.
What About You?
What is your experience of anger? What is it like to meet anger with love and understanding? I’d love to hear in the comments…
Follower says
Betrayal leaves me explosively angry.
Gail Brenner says
I understand that, follower. How would you like to meet your experience of anger? What do you really want?
Lisa says
I have a fear of anger since childhood. Because of it I have ended up in a lopsided 26 year marriage. I have been so afraid of anger and confrontation that I have let him get the upper hand. I am finally to the point where I know I have to change, but it is SO hard.
Jeanette says
In my experience, anger usually happens when someone is getting hurt. So my curiosity goes to: Who is being hurt, or who do I think is being hurt (is it me)? Then, instead of adding to the hurt by getting upset, I use the energy of anger to do something helpful.
Gail Brenner says
Great to see you here, Jeanette! I love this inquiry looking at what is underlying the anger and shifting the energy of anger to doing something helpful. What you’re describing takes a lot of awareness of your own inner experience. This is the key. Once we are aware of what is happening within and how we are reacting, we can make a choice that helps and serves, rather than one that hurts and divides.
Marty says
I can’t control my anger. I always promise my heart I will control it but once I get angry
Gail Brenner says
Hi Marty,
After you realize that you’ve just lost control of your anger again, take a breath. Then replay the situation in your mind and imagine how you would have reacted if you had control over your anger. Be as detailed as possible so a new response becomes available to you. Look at the situation with an expanded view about what is going on. Have compassion for everyone, including yourself. Realize that the need to be right triggers your anger, and have your connection with the other person be your highest priority.
Decide what your values are in life then live them as much as possible in every moment. If you practice these tools, eventually, you will become conscious enough so you can see the anger starting to strengthen and you choose peace instead. This is a process of relearning, so be kind to yourself.
Lisa says
One of the biggest problems I have had in my life is that I have not lived out my values due to fear, mostly.
carl james says
Anger and hatred is ruining my family life. My wife is falling out of love with me, my eldest daughter hates me.
I’m a British Soldier and have been since 1986. I’m not convinced I have PTSD but I believe that 4 tours of Northern Ireland, 3 tours of Iraq and 2 tours of Afghanistan have built up something demon like inside me. I’m so full of hate. I consistently moan at my wife and kids, when they fight back my anger is undiscribable. I use vicious words intending fully to hurt.
I have been to military counseling and am taking citalipram anti depressants, but I’m no better.
I never used to be like this, and I hate who I am now. I have tried Cognitive Behavior techniques, meditation, Hypnotherapy and self help books, but to no effect.
Something I read on one of your pages really hit home, “Anger ruins relationships”, it described how my wife and daughter are. I’m really hoping being in this community can help me. I’m desperate.
Gail Brenner says
I really appreciate you posting here, Carl. I know you have tried a lot of things, but something is interfering with these tools being successful for you, and I don’t know what it is. To deal with anger like you describe, you need to be able to apply skills in the moment to help you be as conscious as possible so you can make wise choices. By wise choices, I mean you get to do what you really want in that moment rather than being propelled by the demons you describe.
There is a lot here on this site that may help you, and I hope it does. But you may need more – and by that I mean help that’s ongoing and tailored to your particular situation. As I said, if you are interested in sessions with me, you can contact me at [email protected]. Getting through this anger involves a change in lifestyle and attention to the moments when you are most stressed so you can handle them without ruining your relationships. It often takes time and support to feel confident in this new way of being.
I fully believe that the peace you are looking for is possible for you…
"D" says
Anger which I suppressed for many years. Over 30 years to be exact. My then Fiancée and I were engaged to be married, when our wedding was cancelled. I felt so bad and my facial expressions would reflect that. A very good friend pulled me to the side and explained that we were not getting married because my then Fiancée was messing with a co-worker. I further learned he accompanied her and her brothers on a trip. One day I came home early to find her in the car with him. I confronted them both and asked did they love each other, in which they both replied yes. About two weeks afterward, she and I were able to work things out and about three months later we got married. Fast forwarding, we have two fantastic sons and an awesome grandson. She has been more than loving and supportive, but there are times such as now that those feeling of betrayal I suppressed surface. She will say her relationship was only emotional and not sexual. I believe none of that and feel she would be better off just telling the truth. How do I get beyond these feelings which re-surfaced after so many years, and how to get beyond them?
Gail Brenner says
These feelings are very old news, and they don’t serve the happiness of you or your wife.
When the story around these feelings comes up, don’t give it any attention. It’s just a dark cloud that happens to be recycling in your mind in that moment. Don’t go to your wife and bring up that old situation. It is up to you to make the choice to not let this story and the problems it brings affect your life now.
You are the one who your wife chose – for 30 years, and she chose to stay with you and create a beautiful family together. You have so much to be grateful for that is part of your here-and-now experience. This past story is over, so why keep it alive in you – especially when it brings disharmony to your inner experience and your relationship.
Many people would love to have a successful 30-year marriage with kids and grandkids. Appreciate what you have and forget about the past. Then go and enjoy yourself and all the treasures that surround you.
"D" says
Dear Dr. Gail, I do understand what you you’ve said is so very true. I am trying my best to focus on the now and not on the pass, but like old songs that bring wonderful memories to mind, they also bring painful ones, ex…..The O’jays, (Back Stabbers). Thank you Dr. Gail, for I continue to read your response to me and others, for you are so wise. I feel even though I am being a good husband, I could have, should have, and would have been even better if not for the deceit and the extreme measures taken to deceive me. I love her dearly, but she told me it was my fault for putting her on a pedestal, for I thought she was my Queen. Only to find out she was so one else’s as well. I’m a work in progress trying to do better. Thank you again Dr. Gail, you are awesome!
Gail Brenner says
I love how you are using these struggles for your growth and understanding. Keep walking your own path so you grow into all that you were meant to be.
"D" says
Thank you again Dr. Gail, for your words are words of wisdom and substance. They are motivating and of truth. I see how the past can continually damage the now, and that is so unhealthy. Thank you for what you do for so many. Mere words can not express my appreciation for you advice.
Gail Brenner says
So glad it’s helpful!
Amy Parkerson says
I listened to the 37 minute session on overcoming anger. It was exactly what I needed Gail. I’m in tears and feel quite ashamed of what my anger let me say and do tonight. My stories continue to fester long after the “fight”. So the problem is I walk in the next situation and I’m still angry from the last story.
Gail Brenner says
And now that you realize this, Amy, the door to changing is now open to you. The path is to turn inward toward your own experience of anger and meet it with love and understanding. You aren’t pushing it away – and you also are not letting it release into relationships and situations. Once you can recognize when the anger starts to show up, you get to choose a wise and loving response. This is excellent self-care.
P. says
Dear Gail,
I am writing you because i am getting so much strength and guidance and solace from your words and wisdom.
My husband is extremely suspicious, and I will not be surprised if it turns out he has a delusional disorder and/or has recently had a psychosis. Last months he has gone so, so far with his accusations. He is absolutely not believing something is wrong with him, he deeply beliefs he is correct, and it is extremely hard to deal with. And because of his belief that absolutely nothing is wrong with him, there has been no medical interference. He also shows a lot of signs of narcisism. Very rarely he seems to be open to constructive talk about it, that he recognises his own wrong behaviour, but overall he is totally blind for his destructive behaviour, and it is so so killing me and so destructive to our family. and it makes it so hard, or actually impossible, to “solve” this problem. Conversations about this are so difficult, because we are in one conversation but in total different realities. We have 3 children, and they love him so deeply, he just don’t have any idea of what he is causing. Everything is because of “my behaviour”, and “things I am doing underground” (with which he means: in a sneaky way, behind his back).
I love him so, so deeply, and i have given him my all and more and more and more. But in the end, all I have gotten back are the most hurtful accusations. These accusations have been so many, and are so painful, because they are totally the opposite of the truth. So for someone you love, and who should KNOW you, to think like that about you, and just ‘sweep’ the real truth away…it has broken me and hurt me so deeply. Like YOU (me, in this case), your soul, your being is not seen.
I do my best to always try to realise this is his poblem. This has nothing to do with my behaviour, or with me. He is battling with these demons inside of him. And I realise maybe this will cause us to break up. The thing that is holding me back from this, is the thought of him being alone out there. Despite his behaviour I know he loves me and our children so deeply. This is not ‘his choice’. He always says this is not how he wishes to feel about me, that is hurts him so deeply. And he lost both of his parents previous years, so he does not have anyone besides us. So that is what makes me to feel for him even more. We are his life Besides that, he is originally from a different country, and is here because of our relationship (for over 17 years).
So I cannot bare the thought of him living somewhere all alone in a small room, having his life totally broken. No matter how much more healthy it will be for me, because I realise the toxicity of this relationship. So especially those thoughts, about him and his feelings, are paining me so much. Although this situation itself and dealing with that part of him, is of course also so, so difficult and hurtful. And it makes my brain to go crazy, to run and run, without finding a solution. But dealing with the pain I will feel when he is all alone somewhere living apart from us. Because I know how much hurt and pain he already feels (because in his mind, the bad things I am doing and have been doing are real, so he feels already so deeply betrayed by me, which I also find so pity for him), and it will be even worse pain for him if it ends up with him being all alone and losing it all…. So it makes me feel so, so stuck.
I don’t know what I am asking from you exactly. Just some advice, any advice, anything. Because I really do not see any solution to this…Thank you so very much.
Gail Brenner says
I appreciate the intensity of your conflict, P, and you understand so well what is happening. I can’t give you advice – the way forward will arise from you, and it sounds like there is no easy solution that will leave everyone comfortable. One thing I hear is that perhaps you are taking a little more responsibility for him than may be accurate. Although he may not know it, he is constantly making choices and has responsibility for those.
I think this situation is asking for your deep soul-searching. What is most important to you? What do you feel and know in your heart of hearts in your silent moments alone? If you took off all inner blinders, what becomes apparent to you? It does sound like you are using this intense situation for your inner freedom. Keep doing that, as this is your path.
Sending much love…
MANJIT SINGH KHALSA says
According to Sikh teachings, anger, greed, false pride, worldly attachment, sexual desire are part of five enemies that every human being has. They are part of God’s creation and they can only be overcome through meditation on His name and His grace. Personally, Gurbani (Gurus’ words as enshrined in the Sikh holy scriptures called “Guru Granth Sahib”) helps me get through in life’s ups and downs whenever I get angry, too happy, too proud, too egotistical, sad, disappointed and so on. It just uplifts me every time by bringing things into perspective and let things be according to His will. I do think it is ok to be a perfectionist, but not ok to get angry. What is wrong with holding high human ideals and morals and try to perfect them as humans? I want to be the perfect human being, even though I know that it is not possible. everyone would be a saint if that was the case. Sikh Gurus referred to these five enemies as robbers who are robbing the human being every second of life and they ask the Creator to save us from these robbers.
Gail Brenner says
Hello Manjit. A warm welcome to you…
I love that you rely on these beautiful teachings to help you with life’s ups and downs. I hear that they help you surrender these personal reactions and identities (attachment, pride, etc) so you can let things be according to God’s will. You describe a deep devotion which I’m sure serves you well.
Thank you so much for sharing here….