“It’s good to do uncomfortable things. It’s weight training for life.”
~Anne Lamott
Inner peace. Isn’t that something we all want more of? Who doesn’t like feeling relaxed, happy, and at ease?
The reality for most of us is that inner peace seems to come and go. But if we take a very close look, we can see that peace is always here. In fact, it is our natural state. When our emotional reactions and conditioned patterns subside, here we are, peaceful once again.
Instead of peace being just another experience that pops up on the landscape of our being, consider this: peace actually is the landscape. It is the ground of being that everything else arises in.
Strategies Mask Our Reality
If we want to realize this endless well of peace, we must discover that there is great value in hard things. Our most challenging feelings, stories, and reactions mask the peace we long for. When we stop resisting and avoiding them, we end the inner war. We find that peace has always been here, available, patiently waiting.
Humans are infinitely creative, and sometimes we use this creativity to hide from ourselves. How many ways can you think of to avoid difficult inner experiences? The list is endless! We drink, smoke, snack, get busy, call someone, procrastinate, ruminate, plan, obsess, worry. We bring trouble to our lives in the form of addictions, relationship drama, and stress of all kinds.
The purpose of these strategies is to keep us from feeling pain. And in the avoidance of pain, we are denying ourselves the peace and contentment that are rightfully ours.
Take a look at anything you would define as a problem in your life, and I can guarantee that you are overlooking the feelings that are driving it.
Be in Harmony with Your Inner World
Inner peace means that there is harmony with all experiences that arise. Everything – and I mean everything – is included, accepted, and welcomed in. Nothing is left out. No strategies are used to ignore, push away, or manipulate. When we can relax in the face of any feeling or reaction that appears, peace remains undisturbed. The principle is very simple – if only we put it into practice.
Recently, I shared with a friend some frustrations I was wrestling with about my career path. Her response? “Everybody says they want peace. Then something hard comes up and they say, ‘No, not this.’” Her comment hit me right between the eyes – the issue was my avoidance of frustration and not a problem with my career. Now, that is a true friend.
How to Open to All Experience
Do you truly want to know lasting inner peace? Then your job is to learn how to be with challenging experiences. Consider these steps, and watch your life transform.
- Be willing. Find within yourself an openness to be with whatever experiences come your way. Vow to stay open, even if it’s hard.
- Know your strategies. Reflect inward to identify your particular avoidance strategies. Get to know them very well – what triggers them, how they work. Bring loving awareness to yourself as you see how you play out these strategies.
- Peel the onion. Start with an emotional reaction to anything, large or small. Create a huge field of compassion in your mind and heart, and feel the feelings. Don’t pay attention to thoughts about the feelings. Let the thoughts float away, and bring your attention into your body for the actual direct experience of the feeling. If this process is new to you, just try it out for a moment or two.
- Be in your experience. You will feel sensations in your body. You might have memories and feel like crying – or laughing. You might realize that what you have avoided for so long isn’t that painful after all. Know that the only way to be peaceful is to be in harmony with all experience.
What You Will Realize
You will notice a number of happy side effects that come from simply being with what is.
- Effortlessness. Being afraid of our feelings and using strategies to avoid them is exhausting. We are constantly on the lookout for any inkling of discomfort, then scurry to deflect from it. These inner dynamics sap energy, and simply being restores it.
- Truth. Avoidance strategies contain within them a subtle lie. We are lying to ourselves about what is actually happening in the moment, and at some level we know it. Telling the truth about reality as it is might be difficult in the beginning, but what we gain is a deep sense of integrity.
- Transformation. When we offer our loving attention to the most buried fragments of ourselves, we can’t help but change. When we are no longer driven by unconscious forces, we feel relaxed, whole, and clear.
- Empathy. When we welcome our own feelings, we connect with the universality of life. Fear is not just “my fear,” but we realize that everyone feels it. Same with sadness, loss, or inadequacy. We become so tender toward “others” who are suffering. And just as feelings are universal, so is the possibility of knowing lasting peace.
Practice Helps
Certainly, life offers us an array of experiences to wake up from; we don’t need to go searching for them. However, I have found great benefit in practicing. And my venue for practice is the yoga mat.
I have come to so appreciate the value of holding a challenging pose. I see so clearly that the mind wants to quit way before the body needs to. I open to the opportunity to recognize the stories that run through my mind and feel the terror and desperation without escaping. I experience that it’s OK to be uncomfortable, and discover that even that is a story. The power of simply being brings unimaginable peace and joy.
Whether through yoga, another form of movement, or just living life, allow yourself to discover the great value in hard things. And see if your light doesn’t shine brighter.
What have you discovered about facing the hard? Do you find it challenging? I’d love to hear…
Gail,
Love the “How to open to all experience” segment. That is a must read. Now, I am off to experience my day!
.-= OccasionallySerene´s last blog ..What could you do If you could embrace departed loved ones one last time =-.
Love your enthusiasm, OC! The world is a better place with you in it, for sure!
Hi Gail,
Being open to all experience is a profound lesson. It is a common occurrence to find problems between where we are in life, and where we want to go. That is part of evolution’s Grand Plan. How are we going to experience higher expressions of ourselves if there is no problem to overcome? It is the hard things create space for marvelous breakthroughs.
.-= rob white´s last blog ..Stop Pushing Money Away =-.
I love your last sentence, Rob! “It is the hard things that create space for marvelous breakthroughs.”
This invites us not to get rid of the hard or avoid it, but to welcome it and reap the lessons. Pushing away hard things is like refusing a precious gift that is being offered.
Your higher expression is always inspiring. What else to do but share it and help others?
Thank you for sharing this today, Gail! Really helpful and serene notes! 😉 I love the photo also, it really expresses the term “Being.” Have a blessed week! xx Jenn
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Whats Your Secret Wish- Just Waiting to Come True =-.
Lovely to hear from you, Jenn. I’m so glad you found the post helpful.
Wishing you well…
My goodness, it’s so true isn’t it? All the creative ways we can hide from ourselves and from our pain. Little do we know at the time, that our pain is caused by our hiding and ignoring our inner voice.
I like your way of practicing and learning — on the yoga mat. Mine is Chi Gung and Tai Chi. Those practices help me to be present more fully, more aware, more accepting, and more able to access that calm and powerful place where all is proper.
I enjoyed this 🙂
John
.-= John Rocheleau´s last blog ..What I Know For Sure About Life =-.
Great to hear from you, John!
You make an interesting point – we hide from our pain, yet at the time we don’t know that the pain is caused by the hiding. This is where grace comes in. For the lucky ones among us, we wake up to our suffering and our motivated to know the truth of it. Then we start to discover the great value in hard things.
I love hearing how your Chi Gung and Tai Chi practices serve you. All we need to do is follow what we enjoy…
Hi Gail,
I’ve always loved the expression “The only way out is through”. For me it sums up your post in a nutshell.
But unfortunately for me, loving the expression has not been the same as living the expression. Over time it became a concept, something to admire and aspire to, but rarely experienced or practised – thanks to some mindbogglingly well devised strategies.
And fortunately for me, I subscribe to your posts, so that I can be reminded (in a most eloquent way) of that, and my expression becomes a little bit less concept, a little bit more alive. Thank you. Great post.
Andre
PS: Agree with Jenn: the picture does express “being” beautifully
Hi Andre,
I love that expression also – “the only way out is through.” I hear how this can operate as a concept for you, but I also feel your willingness to explore and your love of being truly alive. It’s good to check, though: Are we really walking our talk?
I appreciate your kind words about my posts. It’s a joy for me to share on this blog and is so heartening to hear when people integrate what they discover here for deeper understanding and freedom.
I’m glad you and Jenn commented on the picture. I didn’t get this before, but it really communicates the great value in facing hard things – simply being.
Sending love your way…
Gail,
Very good insights here about how wehen we resist our difficulties, it’s worse, but when we accept them, we can move through and change and adapt. I think the hardest thing about facing hard things is the feelings. I had to learn how to deal with my feelings after years of suppressing and being down right terrified of them. It’s still challenging to come up against my fear, or sadness, or anger, or resentment. At least I now have a process for recognizing what’s coming up, letting myself have the emotions, express them as I need to, and let them go. Even with feelings, the worst thing is resisting them. Ahhh, letting go, that hardest of the hard.
Thanks so much!!
Linda
You have nailed it Linda. The feelings are the hardest – and the most essential – because they underlie our thought patterns and behavior choices. Most people find that feelings are much more difficult when we imagine what they are really like than when we meet them directly. It helps to get grounded in a loving inner space first, then move attention into the emotion.
Some feelings are harder than others. I have a pattern of thinking I am right and others are wrong. When I go right into the core of it, it’s a holy fire for sure. As it burns over and over, all that remains is ash, and the humility is felt even more profoundly. If what we truly want is freedom, we need to be willing to be open to everything.
Love hearing about your process – and progress…
Gail,
Powerful imagery there – holy fire, burning to ash and left with humility. I like it. Willingness, openness, you are right, it’s the only way to truth and emotional freedom. But it takes such guts!
What do you think leads some people to more intensely work on self-actualization than others?
Linda
.-= Linda Wolf (Insanely Serene)´s last blog ..Insanely Serene Takes the 7-Links Challenge =-.
That is the $64,000 question, Linda: What lights the fire? How to light it and keep it lit? As far as I can see, it is grace, unexplainable good luck. The possibility is here for everyone, but not everyone is bitten by the bug. The path involves questioning everything and going against all grains – society, culture, family, our own minds. Not everyone’s cup of tea.
In my case, I didn’t even know what was possible. Once I learned about it, I was completely on board. So I take the approach of getting the message out. What anyone does with it is out of my hands.
Do you have any other thoughts about this? I’d be interested to hear.
I’m just fascinated by the question. Like what you said, you didn’t even know it was possible – so what happened? Was it a sudden lightbulb or slow? For me, I’ve always had bits and pieces of what it takes – honesty, a desire to feel better inside, willingness to do something different, cautious risktaking….so I love to hear other people’s stories.
.-= Linda Wolf (Insanely Serene)´s last blog ..Insanely Serene Takes the 7-Links Challenge =-.
Happy to share about this, Linda.
I had been reading books about Buddhism and decided to start meditating, so I became involved with the Buddhist community in the Bay Area, where I was living at the time. I kept hearing the words of the Buddha – that an end to all suffering was possible. Somehow I knew in the deepest part of me that that was true. That was the beginning of my quest – to know the end of suffering. Now the seeking has stopped, as I realize that everything is right here, now, in this moment, in unlimited abundance. For me, it was not bits and pieces, but more like all or nothing.
Amazing, Gail. It sounds like instant surrender. For me, that’s an ongoing and slow process. A little bit of surrender at a time. A little success, a little more willingness, a littl more letting go. Thanks for sharing this piece of your story, I’m glad to know a little more about you.
.-= Linda Wolf (Insanely Serene)´s last blog ..Insanely Serene Takes the 7-Links Challenge =-.
Gail… Any comment is superfluous here…
I am just curious, if you do not mind that I ask, how much time you usually invest in this type of article?
Hi Marko,
It depends. Sometimes 3 full days or more, sometimes less. I am experimenting with organizing my thoughts more before I write, which seems to be making the overall process a bit more efficient.
My concern always is to offer something that is meaningful and helpful to the people reading it.
Dear Gail:
Such great material here. I can relate to every word in this post, so most of all I want to express my solidarity with you and with your enlightened contribution to peace and sanity.
I have had a number of experiences in life where it seemed at the time disaster was taking place or was looming.
But somehow I emerged the other side of the despair or whatever it was and just as you say — on the other side of it was light, a much greater joy than was present before the disaster struck!
So as the saying goes — God moves in mysterious ways his wonders to perform…
.-= Christopher Foster´s last blog ..22 favorite personal growth blogs- which one could change your life =-.
Beautiful, Chris. It sounds like you met these disasters with loving awareness somehow. The essential quality needed is openness. When we stay open, even if it’s hard, the lesson, and the beauty, have space to bloom.
I’m very happy to be getting to know a kindred spirit. What more important conversation could we be having?
Love to you…
Hi Gail. This post made me think of a quote that says, “Calm seas don’t make good sailors.” It’s definitely not easy to relax and allow peace in the face of tough times, but the internal payoff is astounding.
.-= Nea´s last blog ..Self Improvement Techniques to Reshape Your World =-.
Funny you should mention that quote, Nea. I’ve been on vacation in the Caribbean this week, doing lots of sailing, and I definitely see that sailors thrive on their challenges!
I love your conclusion: “the internal payoff is astounding.” So true. And what is the alternative? To resist reality and add another layer of unresolved feelings to our suffering? I choose peace and acceptance, and I have a feeling you do as well.
Lovely to have you visiting here…
Gail
I like your comments about yoga. Along with my internal journey I have been on an external one also – to become healthier. I have been doing exercise and strength training. I push myself to lift a bit more weight or run that extra step, knowing that it is difficult, but that I can make it through and will be one step ahead. Now I can see that I can use that with feelings also. Sometimes they are hard to get through, I want to push them away, but i can remember my physical exercise and know that I can get through.
My friend and I were recently talking about your $64000 question. I too find it interesting to think about my journey. I have been reading buddhist literature, it makes a lot of sense to me and it was a light bulb, a bright one. Plus, your writing always makes one more light go off. Thank you.
Hi Deb,
Your physical exercise seems to be serving you well in many ways. In the truth of who we are, we are inherently capable of meeting everything, and being in physically challenging situations can teach us to recognize this.
A further thought about why some people are interested and others aren’t (this is for Linda also): When we stand in our essential nature, there is no self and other – only oneness, wholeness, fulfillment, love…So this question can interest the mind and create further thinking, or we can let the question go altogether, allow our minds to relax, and experience the simplicity of now.
Just as my writing may inspire another light to go off, your comments go straight to my heart.
Gail: Great message. Thanks for sharing it. What you and your friend said really hit me right between the eyes too. You are so right that it is too easy to fall into the trap of saying we want peace and want to be open to anything that comes our way, but then a challenge and an obstacle arises, and deep down we prefer that it was not there. The reality is that whatever comes our way is there for a purpose and to help us grow and transform in so many ways. I do agree with you that we have to always find our way to being open to all experiences that come into our journey. Thanks for that message and those tips to manage through.
.-= Sibyl – alternaview´s last blog ..5 Different Perspectives alternaviews We Need =-.
Hi Sibyl,
This sentence is so right-on: “The reality is that whatever comes our way is there for a purpose and to help us grow and transform in so many ways.” If we live in that level of openness, the conditioned tendencies that keep us from seeing clearly and accessing our inner intelligence eventually fall away.
The only reason to explore challenging experiences is to know the truth of them, what they actually are. We can make the choice to live with a constructed, false sense of self, or we can investigate to uncover the truth that shines in every moment.
I love your article and it’s interesting that I found it today when I just posted a piece on inner happiness. You could almost interchange inner happiness with inner peace and it would still have the same effect. We need to be reminded that inner peace/happiness is already there and we don’t have to go looking for it. When I face challenging situations, feeling my inner happiness lightens up things.
This post is so rich and you’ve expressed it so well. Thanks for the reminders.
Welcome, Jeannette! So glad you stopped by…
Yes, inner peace and happiness both refer to the unspeakable knowing that becomes apparent when we contact our true nature. It is who we are, so we don’t have to go looking for it. What we can explore is how we are sometimes blocked from seeing it. The remembering of who we are, especially in challenging situations, is the light shining that helps us to see things clearly. From the perspective of inner peace and happiness, there is no problem, no matter what happens.
Thanks so much for adding to the conversation.
I call this ‘distress tolerance’ as a therapist. We try to teach people to be able to sit with emotions and let them pass over and through, in that way we are actually able to get through pain faster than stuffing/denying/drugging it.
Good blog!
.-= Toby Neal´s last blog ..Dog People =-.
A warm welcome to you, Toby!
Tolerating distress is such a valuable skill to develop. Thanks for bringing in that perspective. It is the antidote to hiding from pain in the myriad ways we humans have devised. And allowing our experience to be as it is is the end of resistance and the beginning of a journey back to reconnecting with ourselves.
I imagine that you are offering a much needed service to your clients. I wish you well…
I just discovered your blog site and this particular blog really spoke to me. I am on a path of self-discovery and spirituality and sometimes it feels like I am going backwards! Very good to hear your voice, thank you.
Welcome, Claire! Great to meet you.
I know that sense of feeling like you are going backwards, for sure. But we can use everything for self-discovery, even if it’s very hard. The challenges, the old patterns that seem to never go away, the same old feelings, the periods of unconsciousness – all useful. All are opportunities to welcome the abandoned parts of ourselves and realize wholeness once again. It doesn’t matter how many times – each is a chance to sink back into love.
Our paths are always unfolding, whether we realize it or not.
Sending love…